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“Jesus Christ on a bicycle!”

6:41pm

Ginger Snaps

Fast forward about 60 years to Ginger Snaps. The subtle black and white days are shattered in the first few minutes. I love the suicide pact-makin’ Fitzgerald sisters. Oh man, why do I own the full screen version of this film? Always read the fine print, kids. The opening credit sequence with all of their faux death scenes is pretty amazing.

The high school guys are painfully bad but I’m guessing they’re supposed to be. This really is one the best horror films of the last decade. An odd actress, Mimi Rogers, is perfect as the Fitzgerald sisters’ slightly unhinged mom. Oh doctor, the whole cringe-inducing period business is pretty rough. Hell, I think I’m starting to menstruate myself.

Drug dealer to the rescue! Just about everything about this movie is perfect. Dang, I didn’t know that becoming a werewolf makes you hot! Move over Ginger, Brigette is for me! What a fantastic actress. You really feel her pain as she watches her sister change right before her eyes. Do all girls have to tie their tails down when they go through puberty?

When chicks play field-hockey, watch out yo, there’s gonna be a beat down. Finally, we get to the topic of the dangers of unprotected werewolf sex. These are the issues of our generation. LeEtta says that nobody in these movies know about wolfs bane. Case in point: monkshood is the same thing as wolfs bane. Get it straight, people.

Did I mention how funny this flick is? Well, it is. And the gore! The sweet, sweet gore. God bless Canada. I love how the Fitzgeralds' typical suburban house at the end of the movie becomes this dark and freaky labyrinth. And what great lighting! The ending is pretty intense ending with lots of tears and werewolf breathing. Wow, I feel drained.

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8:30pm

Cigar Break

My father-in-law gave me a fistful of awesome Gurkha cigars last time I saw him, so I have a really great smoke. Everything goes down easier with Mountain Dew. LeEtta joins me on the patio with her clove cigarettes and rum and coke. We’re out there talking about everything but werewolf movies. We should really stay on topic but what can you do? Okay, back to the dang movies.

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“A naked American man stole my balloons.”

9:35pm

An American Werewolf In London

Screw that there fancy DVD, I have this sweet old tape of An American Werewolf In London. It looks so awesome and grubby on tape. Wait, wasn’t I just bitching about full screen? Fuck it, let’s hit up the Slaughtered Lamb Pub and see what’s new. It’s time to face the music and see if I actually like this one. For some reason, I’ve always talked trash about this flick even though I haven’t watched it since I was a teenager.

Why is Nurse Price so interested in David Naughton anyway? He’s a pepper! I can’t help but love these jump scares. They’re still pretty awesome, even when you know they’re coming. And the nightmare fake outs were pretty ahead of their time. They are relentless and shocking, keeping you on edge for the rest of the movie.

I think that I may have made peace with this film. John Landis, I forgive you (but not for Into The Night). This movie comes from that magical and wonderful year, 1981. Hey, what do ya know? They just referenced The Wolf Man! By golly, this here is a self reflexive moviethon. Do you think this movie has enough spooked local yokels? Jeez!

The greatest werewolf transformation sequence? I'm not sure just yet. We’ll see if The Howling can compete. The guy getting chased in the underground is so well done. Whoa, I just saw an English Beat poster in the tunnel. Boy oh boy, we sure do get to see a whole mess of nude Naughton in this movie. The scene in the porno theater with all of his undead buddies is genius. What the hell was the bug up my butt about this movie anyway? It still isn’t a favorite but it is a quality horror flick.

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“Go away now! Awooooooooooo!”

11:18pm

The Werewolf Of Washington

LeEtta is off to bed a little early but I’ve got one more in store for tonight. Thank God someone released the old "Movie Macabre" episodes. Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark, is just what I needed to keep things moving. This is a really bizarre and surreal little film. I’m diggin’ on the low budget lighting and the smoke machine. The one smoke machine. Dean Stockwell, you’re amazing.

This film “borrows” just a little from The Wolf Man. Okay, it’s more like a remake of The Wolf Man with a werewolf who just happens to be the president’s press secretary. Forget silver bullets, Slavic bureaucrats are a werewolf’s worst enemy. Okay, now you’re just asking for it! Who the fuck flushes an amulet of protection down the dang toilet?

What planet is this movie from? Well, I’m sure it is a cheap planet. This is some obtuse and sometimes disastrous nonsense but a fun little no-classic. It’s very satirical and genuinely funny in some moments but most of this film is really painfully dull and nearly bloodless. And some painful wallpaper as well. Boy, the president sure does have a crummy looking office. Poor guy. Poor Dean Stockwell. Poor everybody!

This is some great stuff. I like the hot chick getting menaced in the phone booth. I start to lose it during the transformation sequence. I am filled with doubt and my happy thoughts are leaving me. And that is a surprise midget. Golly gee, this movie really does drag. I love Stockwell’s love interest. She seems kind of… distant.

Before there was Snakes On A Plane, there was Werewolf On A Helicopter. I love and hate this film a whole bunch. The 70s vibe is great but holy shit, I feel destroyed. Good dang night, y’all. It’s one o’clock in the morning and I need to get my rest for tomorrow’s flicks. Later.

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Saturday

9:35am

Breakfast

Rough start this morning. I feel like I’m coming down with the cold that’s been going around at work. Wonderful. No cigar for me today but the moviethon must go on. LeEtta has a bit of a hangover from smoking and drinking with me last night, so we make a helluva miserable pair at Einstein Bagels this morning. I get my usual: an Asiago cheese bagel, toasted, with plain cream cheese, lettuce, tomato, and bacon. We run some more errands and I get myself a Slurpee at our last stop, 7-11. Oh thank Heaven, y’all, I think I'm going to live through the day.

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“They came and took him while he was making water, when a man is at his most defenseless.”

11:45am

The Company Of Wolves

I am so glad the library had a copy of this fantastic film. This movie is one long extended dream sequence. What a great way to start day 2. Oh yeah, German Shepherds are not wolves, you silly bitches. Maybe this chick should sleep with a little less makeup on. We’ve got Angela Landsbury as the cryptic granny and Graham Crowden (Tom from the awesome Britcom, “Waiting For God”) as a vicar. And David Warner (The Omen)? Everybody’s in this one.

I love the terrifying fairy tale aspects of this film. Oh Stephen Rea, I hope your wedding night doesn’t go all Crying Game on you. Ew, crap! That is probably the nastiest transformation sequence we’ll see today. Nice job ripping your skin off there, buddy. Holy crow, that’s Terence Stamp as the devil. Genius.

Oh snap, this wedding party just turned into a werewolf wedding party! I’m experiencing some major fits of violent laughter when the dogs abandon the party. Hey peacock, look out! I just had to rewind that one a few times to take in the complete insanity of the moment. I found an all too brief clip of this on Youtube (just watch until around the 2:20 mark and you’ll see some of the chaos). Does no one see how ugly this terrible kid is?.

This movie goes out of its way to make me uncomfortable. I’m diggin on the score. Wow. The best part of this movie is its take on Red Riding Hood. The Company Of Wolves is creepy, horrifying, and downright freaky! I love it. Jesus, this gentleman werewolf is such a creepy duder. When the wolf starts squeezing out of this guy's mouth… Classic!

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“If you don’t bite me again, I’ll untie you.”

1:25pm

Werewolf Woman

We have now left everything behind for our trip to Italy: Production values, filmmaking integrity, a cohesive plot, a proper script, etc. I have been waiting for this one. The makeup is the worst part of this movie. They sprayed this poor woman with glue and covered her in dog hair. And instead of going subtle on the werewolf boobs, we get weird fur domes and candy bar nipples. Did I just type that sentence?

The worst parts of this movie come in the form of the awful dialogue between Daniella’s father and the doctor. This shit goes on and on. But there are vast rewards to be found in Werewolf Woman, damn it. For instance, there's the luscious Dagmar Lassander and the way out 70s schlock soundtrack just owns. LeEtta has made her awesome spinach dip and we’re seriously chowing down on it with some tortilla chips.

Humped by a lizard? Yeah, me too. It happens to every woman eventually. I have to admit that I’m cheating with this film just a little. The werewolf aspects are kind of abandoned and Daniella just turns out to be just plain old batshit crazy. Yet, I am comforted by the clunky but enthusiastic Italian gore. Oh no pseudoscience, you have finally reared your ugly head.

Daniella’s voice actress is off the chain. Such a filthy mouth she has. Whoa, all of a sudden, it’s an Exorcist rip off. Okay, maybe just a little. I love the friggin’ nymphomaniac in the mental hospital. She seems stable. Ah yes, softcore porn disguised as a horror movie. That just comes with the territory. You’ll get used to it just like you’ll get used to the horrifying décor! The sappy love story that comes out of nowhere is much appreciated.

In the end, she’s more like a cavewoman than a dang werewolf. I still love this unlovable flick. Maybe it has something to do with the constantly nude Annik Borel. Whatever it is, I’m proud to have a special place in my heart for Werewolf Woman. The ending is so great. I wish I could find the complete soundtrack somewhere.

Read the full review.

Here’s a short soundtrack clip.

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“They tore them to pieces right in front of my eyes!”

3:15pm

Dog Soldiers

Now this is a classic. Here is the most action-packed film in the marathon. Beautiful wooded scenery, heavily armed soldiers, and werewolves. This was me and LeEtta’s first encounter with the awesome Kevin McKidd (from the series “Rome”). I have a man crush! There’s lots of gore, blood, and bullets here. I can’t think of anything to criticize. It’s just so damn good.

The cinematography is top notch and the lighting (other than some day for night nonsense) is practically perfect. The family dog trying to make off with Sean Pertwee’s intestines is some evilly funny shit, it is. Beware of those joining eyebrows, people. I quickly phone in an order in to Vocelli’s Pizza. A broccoli and spinach pizza for LeEtta and a ground beef and Italian sausage one for me. I have to feed the animal inside me and vegetables will just piss it off.

The first of the final showdowns is upon us. Wait, what? How many are there? The werewolves in this one are just fucking cool. They’re all impossibly tall, sleek, and totally ominous. Speaking of gore, damn this movie is wet. Holy shit, this is one manic flick. Greasy pizza and werewolves? Life is good, people.

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“It’s tough for a girl to avoid the fancy notion of cash when she needs it.”

5:03pm

Werewolf In A Girl’s Dormitory

We go back to Italy and Luciano Pigozzi is the first actor we see. He’s playing a creepy crippled groundskeeper. Be careful, girls. Show him a little knee and you never know what might happen. I thought we’d seen enough of Pigozzi in Giallo Meltdown but clearly this is not true. I don’t know, this movie looks like some wide-eyed craziness to me. There is some sweet black and white photography to pleasure my eyes. It sounds like the werewolf is growling, “Mama!” which is wrong on so many levels.

You gotta love Alfred’s scowling creature-wife. Retro-Media’s DVD presentation of this film is nice and scratchy and full of gorgeous missing frame jumps. It adds to the strangeness that the inexplicably suspicious glances between the characters already provide. Mmm, Priscilla is some hot stuff, y’all! She’s like almost Barbara Steele hot. Almost. This is a fun little mystery. Nothing too exciting but I’m engrossed.

The dialogue is hideous and the actors are pitiable. LeEta just discovered the formula of the dialogue. Deliver line, count to four, deliver next line, and repeat. The plot feels like an old German Krimi film. Not surprising considering when this was released and it’s Italian/Austrian origins. There is no shortage of shifty-eyed red herrings. That is one weak ass werewolf. And now the pseudoscience kicks in with some claptrap about “psycho-physical transformations”. Surprisingly, the ending is quite satisfying.

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“Hey, Satan! Hey, Lucifer! We’re here, baby!”

6:28pm

Werewolves On Wheels

Wow, this movie opens up with a bad ass intro and an excellent soundtrack. There’s no shortage of motorcycle action, that’s for sure. Lesson number one: Do not F with the G damn bikers. Especially not The Devil’s Advocates. We’ve got our requisite biker debauchery and shenanigans. It’s a cheese-fest for sure but it’s too late, I’m already hooked on this ludicrous movie.

I wasn’t expecting this to have such great camerawork. Shit, I don’t know what I was expecting. There is a wicked sense of foreboding established already. Who wants some Satanic bread dipped in cat’s blood? Anybody? This movie has bikers, Satanists, a sexy biker chick, and werewolves. Can someone give me a “hell yeah”? This movie sure is an odd one.

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon on the soundtrack. Now it sounds like Cosby, Steals, Nads, and Dung. Whoa! Blood and gore! I was wondering when werewolves (well, their shadows anyway) would show up and stir some shit up. The gas station guy is hilarious. Talk about your natural actors. Uh oh, I think we’ve hit a slump. The movie slows down a bit. The werewolf makeup isn’t much to get excited about but it serves its purpose.

This all seems kind of anticlimactic to me, so far. Eh, never mind my pickiness, this is pretty sweet. Holy shit, there's a werewolf driving a motorcycle! This wacky film fulfills its promise. Go, werewolf, go! Don’t you never let nobody tell you how to live your life!

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“Everybody’s cursed, Jimmy. It’s called life.”

7:45pm

Cursed

Mommy, mommy, look at that huge embarrassing failure! Yes, Cursed had some major production problems but that just means that it needs our love even more. The wife and I have loved this movie since we caught it in theaters. And the unrated version is definitely worth checking out (more gore and foul language!). Yeah, this one gets a lotta play in our house.

Christina Ricci in a horror movie? Count me in. Aw, her bro is sad. Poor guy. The threads are showing but dang, this is a well-made flick. And we have yet another reference to The Wolf Man. This is why Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven shouldn’t work together anymore.

The movie may have turned out to be really awkward and more than just a little off but it is so entertaining. When you’ve got Craig Kilborne and Scott Baio playing themselves, you don’t exactly have a winner. But, all is not lost because Judy Greer is in this one. Even when she’s playing a bitch, she can just charm yer pants off. And there’s no way to say this without sounding gay: I really like Milo Ventimiglia.

There’s some funny shit going on in this film. Some scenes work much better than others. The CGI ain’t gonna be winning any awards either. The transformation sequence in this one is particularly awful but the end result is pretty cool. There are some nice surprises and goofy shit.

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“Give me a nice death in bed. Preferably with a partner.”

9:30pm

Wolfen

I haven’t seen this one in so many years. It is yet another magical movie from 1981. Wolfen scared my pants off when I was a kid. This film looks so beautiful. God bless the decadent rich for being such great werewolf chow. The wolf-vision in this is actually pretty cool. Albert Finney, you magnificent son of a bitch. The best casting choices in this movie: Gregory Hines and Edward James Olmos.

This a nice, gruesome little number. It alludes to more than it shows, especially in the morgue sequence (with the dad from “Family Matters” as a sarcastic attendant). It’s excellent how they keep the creatures so close. They’re always watching. Whoa, that burned out church is hella creepy. The sound design is really well done with some eerie shit going on in the mix. Coupled with a fine soundtrack by James Horner (Aliens), you can’t go wrong.

Being derived from a Whitley Streiber novel, Wolfen is a bit more cerebral than the other films in this moviethon but it still packs a punch. I love the technology (M16s with night vision scopes) versus nature bit. The scene with Finney and Hines staking out the abandoned buildings has stayed with me since I was a kid.

This movie sure does have a big bleeding heart and it’s hugging the trees every step of the way. But don’t forget, this is still a bad ass horror movie. The intensity of the actors’ performances is stunning. The script kind of beats you over the head a little too much. You think it’s over but it ain’t… Holy shit, good thing they had that dynamite in the trunk! Isn’t it nice when you destroy someone’s drafting project and all the monsters disappear?

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11:26pm

Very Short Break

Okay, I’m operating with a full-blown head cold now. My head feels like a brick. I finally have hit my second wind so I’m not totally useless yet. I’m pissed about getting sick tonight but at least it’s not as bad as the whole aborted Spaghetti Western moviethon incident. I took two days off of work so that I could pack as many films into the extra long weekend. But as luck would have it, I came down with the flu. Being sick, really, really sick as a dang dying dog, the whole moviethon came apart completely. Right, back to the task at hand.

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“I wanna end it. It just goes on and on.”

11:37pm

The Howling

We finally get to the last of the 1981 classics. I think this was the highest grossing of the three and for good reason. I love the super eerie and jarring credit sequence. It feels important; as though something terrible is coming. Dee Wallace is so hot and her performance is top notch. The seediness of the city with all the porn shops is so gorgeous. Oh yeah, look at the garish lighting of the porn shop... In fact, all of the lighting in this movie is outstanding. It’s really, really a gorgeous movie.

So what is up with all of the Howling sequels? Maybe if Joe Dante hadn’t done stupid Gremlins, maybe Howling 2 could have been more than just an unholy camp oddity. I almost included it just because it is so unbelievably terrible. Though he was 512 years old at the time, John Carradine gives one hell of a scene-stealing performance in this one. Marsha can be my alpha-bitch anytime she wants. The Wolf Man again! The references never stop.

Oh yeah, speaking of hotties: Belinda Balaski! Wow, this chick is gorgeous. Beware the evil happy face stickers. Oh yes, the makeup and gore effects are astounding. The transformation sequence is really awesome, disgusting, and totally gratuitous. I love how Karen just stands there the whole time, watching it. LeEtta wonders why their skin is bubbling like they have gas trapped inside them. Alas, I have no answer for her.

The silver bullet surprise is funny as hell. My favorite part is when they’re trapped inside the cop car with the werewolves scraping their claws on the windows and the paint. I remember that scene from when I first saw this film so many years ago. It didn’t scare me, even when I was a kid. It is just so dang cool and exhilarating. Oh God, this ending is perfect. Out of the three 1981 werewolf movies, this one easily has the best ending. Shit, I feel too awful to comment any further. Good night, blessed peoples.

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Conclusion

Sunday is kind of muddy in my mind. We went to Bob Evans and I remember ordering oatmeal. The previous night’s pizza left me in a unholy hell of acid reflux through most of the night. That, along with my head cold, has ruined me, possibly forever. You’d think I would have learned by now to load up on vitamins and health food for these events.

In a haze of cold medicine and antacid tablets, I leisurely watched a couple of werewolf monster mash movies: Paul Naschy’s Night Of The Werewolf and Underworld. If I had included movies featuring werewolves versus vampires and/or other classic monsters, I could have added another day onto the moviethon easily. The thing is, I’m kind of building a stack of Paul Naschy flicks for a future moviethon but that’s for another time.

LeEtta says that she likes werewolves but Hollywood hasn’t done them justice yet. I think that in 1981, they came pretty dang close to perfection a couple of times. We both agree that Dog Soldiers and the Ginger Snaps trilogy are the best of the more recent werewolf movies that we’ve seen. Though modern science has failed to analyze the extent of the physical effects of this moviethon on my body, I’ve definitely undergone a change of some kind. In the end, I have a much greater respect and even a deeper affinity for werewolves and their flicks. Wait, that's not what's different. My skin is bubbling, my bones are cracking, my muzzle is lengthening, and there's hair springing forth from my every pore! Grr! Roar! Foam at the mouth! Grr! Howooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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