"She-demons: damned if you do, damned if you don't." by Richard Glenn Schmidt

At some point in a man’s life, if he’s lucky, he gets to have a second childhood. For me that happened when I found a copy of David DeCoteau’s 1988 masterpiece Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama for $5.99 at Suncoast Video (now closed) in the University Mall (here in Tampa). The cover of this Cult Video DVD release is an unwholesome burgundy with some lurid artwork that would be perfect for a bowling-themed softcore romp were it not for the giant demonic hand reaching out to grab the blonde bimbo in the torn tank top and tights. My eyes widened and I cackled like a madman as I clutched my prize in my hands and made my way to the register.

I first became aware of SOBASLIBO while watching “Stephen King’s World of Horror” on MTV back in 1989. There were clips from the film and interview segments with Linnea Quigley. I didn’t know who the hell this perfect woman was but I sought out her films. At the time, all I could find of Miss Quigley was the amazing Night of the Demons (which became a top ten favorite horror movie of all time) and eventually I just gave up looking. So it wasn’t until that fateful day at the mall thirteen years later that I would finally discover what I had been missing.

The story goes a little something like this: Nerdy Calvin (played by Andras Jones) and his loser buds, sex obsessed Keith and fat Jimmie, sneak into the Tri Delta sorority to house to spy on the girls’ initiation ceremony. There they find Babs (Robin Stille) and her cohorts, Frankie and Rhonda (played by Carla Baron and Kathi O’Brecht), humiliating their two newest pledges, Taffy (Brinke Stevens) and Lisa (Michelle Bauer). The guys get caught and as punishment they must join the pledges as they break into the mall, sneak into the bowling alley and steal a trophy in order to complete the initiation ceremony. What these fools don’t know is that Babs’s father owns the mall and she and her Tri Delta minions plan to do some spying and mischief-making.

In the seemingly deserted bowling alley, Calvin discovers Spider (played by Linnea Quigley) robbing the place blind. She begrudgingly agrees to help the pledges break into the shop so that they can steal a trophy. Jimmie drops a large bowling trophy, cracking it open and unleashing an evil imp (voiced by Michael Sonye) AKA Uncle Impie who promises to fulfill everyone’s wishes. Instead the imp possesses the Tri Delta girls turning them into murderous demons and the bowling alley turns into a slaughterhouse. Calvin and Spider get a little help from the mall’s janitor (George ‘Buck’ Flower) who instructs them in how to recapture the imp but they have to fight off the newly possessed and very deadly Babs first.

The inimitable Linnea Quigley practically steals the movie as Spider, a tough as nails chick who curses like a sailor and dresses like Lita Ford. Oh I get it now, that was supposed to be her in the tights on the front cover. Nice try. Quigley is accompanied by fellow scream queens and fellow costars of DeCoteau’s Nightmare Sisters, Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer, who both get naked for the sake of the plot. As if that wasn’t enough female horror star power, Robin Stille of Slumber Party Massacre rocks as Babs the S&M sorority sister who uses her position as president of Tri Delta to do what she loves the most: deliver the spankings. I start to swoon just putting all the names of these amazing ladies in one paragraph and I have to remember that it isn’t just a dream, this dream team really did get to work together.

I just can’t go on without mentioning Frankie and Rhonda. One would think that Bab’s goons wouldn’t be a huge part of why this film kicks so much ass but these two chicks are integral to one’s enjoyment of SOBASLIBO. Rhonda’s vanity bites her on the ass when she gets possessed by Uncle Impie. Her face is twisted and mangled but more importantly she has her own catchphrase: “Get ready for Rhonda!” However, it is Frankie that steals my heart. She transforms from just another hair-obsessed sorority beyatch into the bride of Frankenstein. Oh so that’s why her name is Frankie! Why did that lame ass revelation take so long to sink into my dumb head? What matters here is that while Frankie is tormenting Taffy, she goes into overdrive, taunting her with my favorite line in the film: “You’ll never be a Tri Delta girl now, Taffy!”

What young man doesn’t identify with Calvin? He’d rather watch horror movies than go see real girls get spanked and he gets violently ill after one beer. But all is not lost because beneath that geeky exterior beats the heart of a true ladies’ man. The moment this duder lays his eyes on Spider trying to pry open the bowling alley diner’s register with a crowbar, he is smitten and immediately makes a corny pass at her. He is shot down but somehow by the end of the movie, he wins her heart. And that is precisely why SOBASLIBO is such a magical film. I can imagine that it is I sitting on the floor of the men’s room flirting awkwardly with Spider while demonically possessed sorority chicks are tearing my friends apart.

Before anyone runs out to experience the glory of this splendiferous film, please allow me quickly run through the negatives. The crew did skimp on blood spillage even though there are two decapitations. Taffy is cheated out of a grandiose death when she is torn in half by demonic dames… off camera! The soundtrack is a cheap and silly synthesizer mess (that I adore) but the excrementable song “Here in Darkness” is where the heart and soul of the film truly lies. Speaking of darkness, where are the dang lights? Much like DeCoteau’s Creepozoids (released in 1987), this film is bathed in inadequate lighting through most of its running time. Though peppered with un-witty retorts and ludicrously foul language, the script is actually really bad and none of the actors involved are good in the way that actors are supposed to be good.

But you see, I’m not embarrassed because this is all just so fucking good. Everything about Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is exactly as it should be and I’m proud to have this DVD on my shelves. This is my Say Anything. This is my Sixteen Candles. Hell, this is my Dirty Dancing. This isn’t just another movie for me; it is one hour, nineteen minutes and twenty seconds of schlock heaven. There are better bad movies out there but they just don’t crumble my cookie like this one does.

Sources

Sorority Babes IMDB

David DeCoteau IMDB