Doomed Movieblog

Oh my God! What did I eat? What did I drink? Forget Thanksgiving and Christmas, as far as decadent eating and partying goes, I think Halloween is where it’s at. Without touching so much as a drop of alcohol this year, I still get my ass handed to me. Thanks to a work Halloween party, our yearly Halloween moviethon, and a Halloween/birthday party the wife and I attended on November 1st, I feel really awful. Good times but oh, the repercussions. Oh yeah, the above photo is from the party on Saturday. That’s me in black metal form.

Although we watched more Halloween TV specials and Halloween-related horror movies than humanly possible throughout the month of October, we still had a few leftovers. While it rained and rained pretty much all day on Sunday, the wife and I stayed in to see if we could milk the holiday just a little bit longer. We watched another of the many Sabrina The Teenage Witch Halloween episodes, the disastrous episode of No Reservations where Anthony Bordain goes to Romania (and spends Halloween in Transylvania), and we viewed the Rankin-Bass animated classic Mad Monster Party.

In order to properly celebrate Halloween this year, my wife LeEtta and I are going bonkers with Halloween-related films and TV specials. Thanks to the miracle of DVR, I am able to catch a bunch of Halloween episodes from sitcoms and cartoons that I haven’t watched in years or may have never even known about. With this searching comes the delightfully painful discovery of the truly awful crap that some channels roll out every year. We even watch the friggin’ hilarious Martha Stewart Halloween craft episodes. Why Saturday Night Live even bothered parodying them is a mystery. Anyway, here are a few very good and very stupid things we’ve watched this year.

Tales From The Darkside
Episode: “Trick or Treat”

This is an odd little number from director Bob Balaban (Parents) who brings “Trick or Treat”, the pilot episode of the series, to the small screen. An Ebenezer Scrooge-like character (played by Barnard Hughes) holds an entire town in his grasp with his collection of IOU’s. Every Halloween, he gives the kids a chance to get their parents out of debt by searching his house for the IOU’s. Or course, he has the house rigged with all kinds of traumatizing scares making the task impossible. A witch, a zombie, and the devil himself step in and makes things right.

The Fairly Oddparents
Episode: “Scary Godparents”

This is quite an enjoyable Halloween episode though not spectacular. I’ve always loved this show and this could have been better. Jimmy gets tired of he and his friends’ lame costumes so he wishes that everyone’s costumes were real and scary. His fairy godparents grant the wish and hilarity ensues. The best bit is Jimmy’s dumb toilet paper mummy costume becomes real and he keeps rotting and falling apart in well-timed gags.

The Grim Adventures Of Billy & Mandy
Episode: “Underfist: Halloween Bash”

Stupid toilet humor, running gags, ridiculous characters, self-referential asides, over the top action sequences, etc. This one is great! A bunch of supporting characters from the show get together to form Underfist: a team of heroes with more than a few… let’s call them challenges to overcome before they can save the day. They must stop an evil marshmallow bunny from taking over the world with an army of evil chocolate bars. This one runs a little long but the plot twists are so ludicrous that it stays entertaining throughout.

iCarly
Episode: “Halloween”

I have never watched this show before but the Halloween episode sure is hilarious. Carly (played by Miranda Cosgrove) and her friends decide to do their Halloween webcast from a supposedly haunted apartment. They quickly discover that something very creepy is going on. Meanwhile, Carly’s brother/guardian (?) Spencer (played by Jerry Trainor), spends his Halloween carving a giant pumpkin while fighting off a gang of angry trick-or-treaters. This episode is genuinely funny, very silly, and a real charmer.

SpongeBob SquarePants
Episode: “Scaredy Pants”

Patrick tries to help SpongeBob “Scaredy Pants” finally be scary for Halloween. Unfortunately, they anger the Flying Dutchman with SpongeBob’s pathetic costume thus endangering the guests at the annual Krusty Krab Halloween party. The Flying Dutchman tries to steal the souls of everyone at the shindig but soon gets his surprising comeuppance from SpongeBob himself. Loaded with great one-liners and madcap schemes, you just can’t go wrong with SpongeBob.

Histories Mysteries
Episode: “The Haunted History Of Halloween”

Ah yes, educational television… Why does it have to be so fucking lame? The History Channel desperately needs to update this one. There are some great moments in the archival footage from 1950s and 1960s Halloweens and also some cool facts about the origins of Halloween. But this is as dry as they come, folks. The most embarrassing sequences involve the neo-Pagan ceremonies of a bunch of medieval clubbers which are so cringe-inducing and pathetic that they border on comic genius.

Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide
Episode: “Halloween & Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts and Zombies”

Hey, where did this come from? This is my favorite of the bunch. Like a Parker Lewis Can’t Lose for the millennium, this show kicks ass! On Halloween, Ned and his friends are put in charge of the school’s annual party and they have by the end of the day to organize it. While scrambling to get things organized for the party, they accidentally scare their principal to death. Or did they? In the next half of the episode, the school becomes a monster party when all of the students costumes become real. This is one irreverent and energetic show and it delivers a superb Halloween episode directed by Savage Steve Holland, the man behind Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer.

The Lawrence Welk Show
Episode: “Halloween Party”

This is absolutely the worst Halloween offering ever made. This episode (which originally aired in 1978) is proof that Lawrence Welk HATED Halloween. Aside from 2 or 3 musical numbers, this episode has very little to do with Halloween. Most of the songs have nothing to do with Halloween whatsoever. The poor bastards in the cast get to deliver songs such as “Old Devil Moon” and “Me And My Shadow” while wearing leftover Shakespearean costumes. One more thing: who the hell put Lawrence Welk on television? The guy was so terrible at hosting his own dang show. You can actually see him dying inside every time he looks at that teleprompter.

Thanks to Nafa for this one.

In order to properly celebrate Halloween (30 days ahead of schedule), I must examine the Halloween episode from the second season of Beverly Hills 90210. Oh, there’s a new 90210? I don’t care. I’ll never care. You can put as many original cast members you want in it, the only thing I care about is the original. I was a closeted 90210 fan back in the day. I would make fun of the show in front of my friends but the truth is, I never missed an episode.

The episode titled “Halloween” aired on October 31st, 1991 (when I was 15) and it has always been one of my favorites. Is it scary? Well, not really. It’s just kind of there. Although things did get a little scary for Kelly who dresses like a trollop to a Halloween party and nearly gets raped by a douche college duder. But that’s just a small part of this monumentally bad episode.

Of course there’s David and his soon-to-shoot-himself-accidentally buddy Scott who show up for an egg fight that never happens. They spend the entire evening reminiscing about when they were kids and how much it sucks to grow up. It is all very sad and sweet but also terrible and stupid. Anyway…

My whole reason for loving this episode and pretty much why I’m obsessed with this show is Emily Valentine. She’s the “bad girl” who steals Brandon’s heart and gives him drugs but that’s a different episode. She’s also the one who trashes the homecoming float and nearly immolates herself with gas but that’s another episode as well.

Emily Valentine was played by actress Christine Elise (of Child’s Play 2) who got the short end of the stick on 90210. She had one of the best written characters but unfortunately, she never became a regular cast member. In “Halloween” she is babysitting her cousins and makes a stop at the Walsh house where Mrs. Walsh is handing out raisins instead of actual Halloween candy.

Brandon does his traditional “scaring the trick or treaters” routine. He throws on a black cape, puts some cheap vampire teeth in his mouth, and pathetically tries to frighten kids. The guy is priceless. But oh lookie look Brandon, look who’s here? It’s the girl you like. OMG, how embarrassment can you get?!?! This kind of scene makes me stomach lurch (in a good way).

Brandon and Emily go out with her cousins but they’re really irresponsible and lose the kids in two seconds. They spend some very harrowing moments looking for them but they just went back to the Walsh house. Everything’s gonna be okay, so let’s make out. Kissy kissy! Okay, I might be imagining that last part.

I’m kind of shocked that I was attracted to Christina Elise at this point in her career. Her hair looks brittle and very boyish. Maybe that says something about me. Yikes. From her pictures on IMDB, I’d say that she has moved on from that look and is looking hot. And judging from watching more and more of this show, I don’t think anyone looked good in the 90s.

Okay, this is absolutely terrible. What a hideous Halloween episode but I guess I had to start somewhere. So there’s no supernatural nonsense or even a creepy dream sequence. There is some Afterschool Special-type poignancy in the almost-rape of Kelly and some great comic relief with mullet Steve as Zorro and Donna as a mermaid but damn, this just blows.

October 31st isn’t Halloween. OCTOBER IS HALLOWEEN. Thank you, Brandon.