Slashers

Hollywood’s New Blood

Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)

An actors’ seminar at a remote house in the woods is interrupted by a series of murders. Legend has it that many years ago, a movie crew got drunk and accidentally blew up a house belonging to the Glouster family. The bodies of the three brothers, Emil, Jeb, and Lou were never recovered. That’s because they weren’t really killed. No, no, no, no, no, NOOOOO, it’s not true. The Glouster boys just got burned real bad and now they are killing the actors one by one.

Sometimes when a store is liquidating their VHS stock, people get hurt. I am one of those people. Hollywood’s New Blood may have cost me only a dollar on that fateful day but what I was really losing was much, much more. My sanity, my dignity, the respect of my wife, and even my ability to have children (lawsuit pending) were all things I lost when I sat down to watch this monotonous slab of death-cheese.

Director James Shyman, in league with the devil, brings us 10 minutes of plot in a 77 minute film. Thanks, fucker. Punctuating nearly every line of dialogue are endless shots of the forest. The editor (some joker from L.A. Video-Grams) is brilliant. One of his finest juxtapositions comes when he superimposes the image of one of the actors roasting marshmallows with that of the burned face of one of the Glouster brothers. That shit is chilling, yo.

Okay, so what else is wrong with Hollywood’s New Blood? Well, I’ll tell you! There are inappropriate and totally unnecessary jungle sound effects for the forest. Is this the most generic musical score ever composed for a horror film or is it a keyboard factory farting and dying? I can’t decide. The makeup effects are pitiful with the un-menacing Glouster boys shuffling around in hobo clothes with paint and strips of latex hanging off their faces.

Instead of sending the actors to a real acting seminar, Shyman decides to put these incompetent fools in a movie together. This ensemble cast really comes into their own when they are all sitting on the couch and staring at the fire. Our hero, Brett Standish (played by Bobby Johnston), is a real stick in the mud with his little ghost stories but don’t worry, he’s gonna save the day after almost everyone is already dead. Brett is also really dreamy with that hot mullet of his. Why did it take Liz so long to fall for this super-hunk?

The final needle this movie jabs into my eyes is a clip show at the end. Because Hollywood’s New Blood obviously did not make the required amount of footage for a full feature, the fuckers in the editing room completely recap the whole dang thing after the story ends. For the next ten minutes, I am treated to the theme music of Hollywood’s New Blood (lyrics below) and a quick run through of scenes, both major and minor (they’re all minor), that I may have missed (or slept through). If anyone is reading this, I implore you, please don’t watch this movie.

“The dishes are dry. Why don’t we get wet?”

Lyrics to the Hollywood’s New Blood theme:

Yes
Hollywood bows to the flood of new blood
The new blood won’t survive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood stays alive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood

 

Haunts

Haunts (1977)

A mad slasher is wreaking havoc in a small town and the investigation is slow-going with alcoholic Sheriff Peterson (Aldo Ray) on the job. The list of suspects keep growing and it seems like every attractive lady is in danger. One of the town’s most eligible bachelorettes, Ingrid (May Britt), only narrowly escapes becoming another victim herself. Things get worse when local bad-boy Frankie (William Gray Espy) takes a break from his shenanigans with the sheriff’s daughter to give Ingrid his unwanted attentions. The already unstable Ingrid begins to crack as more and more of her horrible past comes back to haunt her.

Herb Freed directs Haunts, a bizarre little piece of filmmaking from the wonderful 1970s. More than just a proto-slasher, the film seems influenced by Robert Altman’s Images and Polanski’s Repulsion but with a trashy small town twist. What caught my attention with Haunts is the amazing editing job here. There is excellent use of intercutting between the present day and Ingrid’s memories of her painful past. The score by Pino Donaggio (Dressed to Kill) is very good and helps to give the film a much needed emotional edge. A kitschy and flat synthesizer score would have not been as welcome here.

May Britt is a great looking actress and can physically convey the emotional rollercoaster that her character is going through but her odd delivery of dialogue is really off-putting. Her Swedish accent isn’t so thick that I can’t understand her. No, the problem lies in the emotionless way that she speaks. Even though Britt sounds like a dang robot, she still manages to hold her own in a fairly difficult role. The worst line in the movie is when someone explains that Ingrid’s accent is due to the fact that she was raised in a “European orphanage up the coast”.

The rest of the cast of Haunts keep it together including Aldo Ray as Sheriff Peterson, who is a total drunken mess. Aldo Ray is actually pretty good here, especially when Peterson finds out his daughter has been making whoopee with Frankie, the town screw-up. My favorite actress in the film is Susan Nohr as Nel, the brazen but loveable hussy who falls prey to the scissor-wielding killer. Every scene with her is a treat.

Of course, the wacky scenery-chewer himself, Cameron Mitchell (Blood and Black Lace, Minnesota Clay), is on board and he is as painfully cheesy as usual. Not that anyone could steal Mitchell’s crazy fire but he is just one of many small town wackos in this flick. For instance, William Gray Espy makes an awesome ne’er-do-well and plain old lascivious duder. And there’s always the shy and creepy new guy in town, Bill Spry, played efficiently by Robert Hippard.

Much like his 1981 slasher flick, Graduation Day, director Herb Freed’s Haunts is a near miss, an almost-classic with a lot of potential that never really hits its stride. There are some great ideas but they just aren’t executed all that well. For instance, the movie has two endings with a labored final denouement that will have you begging for mercy. When all is said and done, Haunts is a kooky but sleepy pre-Halloween slasher (with gratuitous goat-milking) that’s worth a look if you happen to stumble across a copy at the flea market.

“Go back to Baltimore, you dumb creep!”

The Driller Killer

drillerkiller

The Driller Killer (1979)

Reno Miller (Abel Ferrara) is a sensitive artist trying to get by in New York City. No one around him, not even his girlfriend Carol (Carolyn Marz), knows that Reno is starting to lose his mind. Armed with a large drill and a portable battery (called a “Porto-Pack”), he heads out onto the seedy streets at night murdering homeless people. Things only get worse (yes, even worse) after his art dealer passes on buying Reno’s latest masterpiece and Carol leaves him for her estranged husband. Now, Reno is mad.

Smear on some white pancake makeup, throw back a fistful of uppers, and most importantly: “play this film loud”! Before directing his cult masterpiece, Ms. 45, director and actor Abel Ferrara made this nihilistic vomit-poem for his beloved New York City. The Driller Killer is a trash cinema classic with a big chip on its shoulder. Thanks to this film’s infamous censorship problems in England (making the Video Nasty list), most viewers are under-whelmed (to say the least) when they catch a glimpse of The Driller Killer.

The major problem with the film is pacing. It runs about 10 minutes too long with the seemingly endless rehearsal footage of Tony Coca Cola and The Roosters (the punk band that moves in next door to Reno). And I actually like the band (for some reason) but it’s just too much. However, the high body count, Reno’s hellish hallucinations, the bristling soundtrack, and the sheer delusional nature of the whole film more than make up for the slow pace.

This disgusting heap of a film fearlessly revels in its excesses with its exploitative footage of New York’s homeless (you guys all signed release forms, right?), a gratuitous lesbian shower scene, and even a pointless animal carcass dissection. But you know what? It couldn’t have happened any other way. Bloody, offensive, overlong, overrated, and sometimes even genuinely funny, I love The Driller Killer as much as it can be loved which is completely and not at all.

“No, no, no, no, this isn’t right. This is nothing! This is shit!”

The Guard from Underground

guardfromunderground

The Guard from Underground (1992)

Akiko Narushima (Makiko Kuno) just started her new job in the art acquisition department of the Akebono Corporation and things couldn’t be weirder. The department doesn’t exist according to her unfriendly coworkers and the management is no help at all. Mr. Kurume (Ren Osugi), the head of her department, is a pervert and Mr. Hyodo (Hatsunori Hasegawa), the president, couldn’t be any more apathetic about running the company. To make matters worse, Fujimaru (Yutaka Matsushige), the security guard and ex-sumo wrestler, has gone berserk and is murdering Akebono employees one by one. Now locked inside the building, Akiko, Hyodo, and a handful of survivors must find a way to escape before they too become human pretzels in Fujimaru’s hands.

Kiyoshi Kurosawa (Cure, Pulse) writes and directs The Guard from Underground, an odd slasher potboiler with a pinch of comedy and a fistful of bizarreness tossed in. The film’s pace is quite deliberate; building the tension very slowly breaking only for dry humor and unexpected moments of extreme violence. Logic is not a strong point here and the plot does not hold up to very much scrutiny. The swirling score is quite odd and has a circus-like feel to it. Gore effects are mostly decent but some of the bone shattering moments look awkward and unrealistic. Luckily, the kill scenes here rely on brutality and not special effects wizardry.

Makiko Kuno plays Akiko, the heroine of the story, who senses something is wrong in the office building long before anyone else. Kuno is a pretty good actress (and maybe it’s a problem with the script) but it’s difficult to get much of an impression of her character in the film. The frighteningly talented Ren Osugi (MPD Psycho, Uzumaki) is very funny as the eccentric and perverted middle manager, Mr. Kurume. In his first film role, Yutaka Matsushige (Ringu, One Missed Call) makes for an imposing killer through menacing behavior and coolly delivered lines. Hatsunori Hasegawa (Gamera: Gaurdian of the Universe) plays Mr. Hyodo, the one person who seems thoroughly disinterested in running the company, quite well.

While The Guard from Underground may not make a great deal of sense and the pace isn’t exactly lightning fast, the film is moody and twisted enough to hold the attention of horror fans looking for something strange. Although nowhere near as violent or wild as something like Evil Dead Trap, it’s still interesting to see the Japanese take on the slasher formula with the seemingly unstoppable killer (Fujimaru) and the final girl (Akiko). The bleak and claustrophobic feel of the film is a sure sign of things to come from Kurosawa who later caused more than a few theater seat soilings with Pulse.

Bad Girls from Mars

badgirlsfrommars

Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.

Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.

Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.

Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.

SPOILERS (and some trivia)

According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.

“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”