Curse of the Headless Horseman
Directed by Leonard Kirtman
Released: 1974
Starring Marland Proctor, Claudia Reame, Don Carrara, Lydia Rosenbloom
Running Time: 78 minutes

The Plot:

Mark Callahan (played by Marland Proctor), a young physician, was just informed by his family’s attorney that his uncle died, leaving him a ranch. The stipulation of the will is that Mark has to get the ranch to turn a profit in six months or he loses the rights to the property. So Mark, his hippie friends, and his fiance Brenda (Claudia Reame) head out to the old place to check it out. It turns out that the old ranch is a historical shitpile, complete with gun-toting reenactors. But wait, there’s more! The ranch also comes with a creepy old caretaker and semi-professional doomsayer named Solomon (B.G. Fisher) who tells a creepy (yet totally vague) tale about a headless horseman.

One of the hippies (the fat one with huge (not acting) chops) gets an idea about how Mark can turn the old ranch into a tourist hotspot by having their talentless selves perform for the sad amusement and patronizing entertainment of tourists. No sooner is this super plan put into action that a headless horseman shows up terrorizing and bringing about the deaths of some hippies. Who is this mysterious headless messenger of death? Is he a supernatural being from Hades or does this joker just want to scare the Deadheads off the property for some other reason?

Richard: Since it was my idea to watch this fucking thing, I will start. I first found out about Curse of the Headless Horseman when I got the DVD for a dollar at the Big Top Flea Market. When I got it home, I noticed that I already owned the dang thing in one of my Mill Creek 50 horror movie packs. The whole experience was pretty far out, man. That is hippie talk for when something quasi-ironic happens. The movie sat on my shelf for a couple months, staring at me, challenging my pathetic 21st century masculinity. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, so I suggested to Brad that we watch it together but apart and then talk about it.

The first thing about Curse is the absolutely atrocious shape the Mill Creek DVD is in. After a few minutes, I threw in my Alpha Video copy hoping to find something a little easier on the eyes. It worked but I felt guilty because I knew that Brad would probably go blind slogging through the Mill Creek one. The second thing about this film is the amazing narration. Before the film even truly starts you can hear some garbled reverb-heavy voice babbling about something. I was instantly intrigued. Once you can understand what the narrator is saying, he still isn’t very helpful with all of his heavy-handed ponderings. We are introduced to Mark his lovely lady Brenda for about two seconds before we end up at a bar where some terrible hippies are dancing to a bad version of “La Bamba”, eating pizza, and fighting over a chick. Wait a second! Since when do hippies fight over anything?

Brad: I thought at first my TV or DVD player was broken with the weird, blurry double image. Luckily this was just a stylish decision by our director to let us know we are in for a groovy time. And as far as the pizza goes, those hippies snatch it up like it was laced with LSD or at least patchouli flavored. When Mark explains about the will and it’s codicil, I thought, “This guy is a doctor AND has a working knowledge of the law? He is pretty together for a guy who hangs out with hippies.” It is as this point Mark invites all the hippies out to the ranch and as we arrive the narrator informs us that Mark is “living in the silence between ticks of a clock.” That’s when I knew we were in for a rollicking good time. My wife, at this point was not yet sold on it.

Richard: You see? That’s why you’re brave. I knew if I sprung this flick on my lady, we’d be headed for divorce, for reals. I can’t believe Mark said codicil instead of the English word condition when explaining to a bunch of illiterate mongrels about his inheritance. I think this is how he dominates their minds with those big words. You know what word I hate? Caveat. It also means condition. Why can’t people just speak American!?! Anyway, early on in the movie, I was bewitched by Mark’s fiance Brenda. She actually said the phrase: “Penny for your thoughts?” Be still my throbbing heart. I think more women in more movies about horseless headmen should only speak in asinine frivolities.

Brad: Oh, the divorce is pending. I chalk it up to the Curse of the Headless Horseman, the film and the actual curse. In Brenda’s first couple of scenes, I too thought she was a cutie. Anyway, can we talk about the rape scene? I thought hippies were all about peace and love, man. What is even worse is two hippie peeping toms are checking out the whole thing while some sub Carly Simon song about Genghis Khan is playing. My wife was forming a sure opinion at this point. And you are totally right about the transfer. Mill Creek spared no expense with the deluxe treatment. My copy looks like a 9th generation VHS dub that was stored in a working fishtank then tied, dangling off the back of the delivery truck, and drug to wherever they assemble these cheap sets that I love. So I apologize if I am at times as murky as the film is.

Richard: Duder, I was afraid to talk about the rape scene because it made me feel conflicted. First of all, we are dealing with some pretty half-assed hippies here. First with the brawling and then with the raping. Free love isn’t something you take, free love is something you have to buy with pot or ren fest admission fee. Secondly, the worst thing about the rape scene is that John The Rapist actually wins the heart of Lydia The Victim. Their entire relationship is built on unwanted advances and normally that works out for everyone involved but not this time. Jeez, I wasn’t going to talk about this now but I think this movie needs a new title. Instead of Curse of the Headless Horseman, it should be called The Ranch Where Innocence Died. I’ll go into more of this later. What did you think of Solomon, the caretaker?

Brad: Oh Solomon the caretaker. What a multi-faceted character. When the hippies congregated in the auditorium for a little impromptu improv from the characters that thanks to horrible audio I will call Mickey Mouse and ZAP (I never caught their names but that is what is on their shirts) and the fat hippie declares that this is obviously THE plan to save the ranch, that is when Soloman and I became friends. He hates drama. And seeing him closer up while he relates the nonsensical curse which I didn’t understand I took a good look at him. His face is very dirty. I don’t know if it is actual dirt or makeup but that is when it hit me: This is a real life Scooby Doo episode. Hippies, ghosts, rape. It all fits. I figured at some point he would take off his mask and Solomon would be revealed as Old Man Johnson or Chuck Mangione. Before we get any further, what did you make of Lee Byers, wandering minstrel?

Richard: I liked that Lee Byers played himself because that’s all any man can do, am I right? I was actually trying to follow along with the lyrics of his song but it was a fruitless venture. His song is better than any of the substandard acoustic hippie folk in the rest of the soundtrack. And Solomon’s face isn’t dirty, that’s method acting and he’s a walkin’ talkin’ foreshadowin’ machine. The guy in the “ZAP” shirt is Randy, my favorite character (next to Brenda, of course). He gets hassled a lot in this movie. Randy is the first to have blood thrown on him by the headless horseman. And his reaction is perfect: he gets annoyed and a little whiny. This headless horseman isn’t cutting people’s heads off, he’s just a prankster with a bad sense of humor.

Speaking of Scooby Doo-esque red herrings, what is up with The Baroness (played by Ultra Violet)? She shows up with a Superman lunchbox and a vaguely European male companion pretending to be a tourist. And then just when you think she may be involved in this horseman conspiracy, she lets out a bloodcurdling scream when Solomon looks in the window, and that’s the last we see of her. Though the director wasted her talents, The Baroness made the most of her screen time. I did like the reenactors who stage those shootouts every day in honor of some vaguely historical event. I was trying to follow that flashback with all the bloody squibs and what the hell the horseman had to do with any of this shit but I don’t think the narrative was very strong. How about that first death though? The chick in the boots gets blood thrown on her, goes bonkers, and runs in front of a speeding RV or something. That was good stuff.

Brad: I am so relieved that you enjoyed Lee Byers awesome music. Expect a Lee Byers Greatest Hits CD come August. I also didn’t understand a word he sang. I like the fact that he put his name on the guitar as I can only imagine how many times Lee Majors ran off with the wrong guitar. Speaking of peripheral characters there are a couple I’d like to mention. One is the girl who says, “I’ll speak to the gods for you. I often speak to the gods for my friends.” I thought whoa, this is going in a new direction. But that’s all we see of her as far as I could tell. A rare missed opportunity for this film. The other is Yo-Yo, the girl who “ZAP” Randy goes to for laundry advice with his blood spattered shirt. She suggests pre-soaking and I wrote that down for my next bloodstained laundry issue.

Speaking of the story of the Curse of the Headless Horseman, I too had no idea what the jibberish was about. The narrator says at the first that 8 men killed the Horseman but then in the flashback the gunslingers break into 2 groups of 4 and have a shootout, killing each other. Not too far from where I live we have a Wild West town and amusement park called Guntown Mountain. I went when I was a kid and while I did see some shootouts, I do not remember if one of them got up and became The Headless Horseman. I can do some checking though. The hippies do not seem to be scared by this nonsensical story, I think all the drugs they were on may have been a contributing factor and Solomon seems a bit annoyed that they are not taking this bloodcurdling tale to heart.

The Baroness’ appearance is where this film raises itself from a cheapo film to a truly surreal cheapo film. One of the hippies goes running through the ranch screaming about rich tourists arriving and The Baroness strolls through with a Superman lunchbox. I know that lunchbox is full of gold. Her offer to buy the place seems totally outlandish but would be a good way for Mark to get out from under his burden of having to run the world’s first Hippie Cowboy Ranch. He declines her offer and only then does Brenda helpfully offer that The Baroness is the richest burlesque queen in the world, worth millions. That would have been good to know a minute ago Brenda since The Baroness looked like just your run of the mill crazy bag lady.

After suffering cruel humiliation and the degradation of his shirt by the hands of The Horseman, Randy actually gets shot while the resident gunslinger reenactor is goofing around. I found it hilarious that this accident is blamed on the spooky story and Solomon, while Solomon blames it on the tomahawk moon. Or the Tamal moon. I never did understand. But it’s about then that a character I called Harmonica shows up. I think his name was John. What are your thoughts on John?

Richard: I actually wrote in my notes: “Ask yourself this: Where was I when Randy was shot?” When he talks Mark out of reporting the little shooting incident to the cops might have been my favorite scene involving Randy. And did you mean John The Rapist? Because I think he and John The Harmonicist are the same person. I like how he kept a joint in his harmonica case. Then the fucking guy finds a nugget of gold and tries to take the place off of Mark’s hands. Mark is all like, “I don’t even own the place yet, you tie dye wearin’ harmonica blowin’ rapist pile of hippie shit!” And this is what is so annoying about this movie, characters like Yo-Yo and The Baroness get introduced and then cast aside while total fuckwads like John get to move the storyline. Then his poor lady, Lydia The Victim, gets a dose of LSD from the horseman and dies. Well, I think she dies. The movie gets all trippy and then she just sort of falls over. I love this scene by the way.

If you do hook me up with a Best of Lee Byers mixtape, I need you to put the rest of the soundtrack on there for me. The musical score for Curse is so amazing with its rickety organ, ethereal guitar, and freaky old synthesizer bits. These tiny moments of brilliance go great with the color filters and lightning fast editing during the dreamy sequences which themselves are delivered so crassly and awkwardly they are undeniably charming. Just imagine, Brad, we are talking about the same film that features all of this good stuff and a narrator who says: “How innocently he chooses the silence of the moonlight.” Okay, there is all that boring hippie stuff but damn, aren’t you glad I picked this one? Huh huh, aren’t you?

Brad: First of all, above all else, I am very happy that you chose this for our discussiethon. I had always given it a good hard look in the Mill Creek pack, but it’s the kind of film that, without this assignment, I probably wouldn’t have made it through. And that would have been a shame. They get enough right, accidentally I presume, that the good and bad parts mesh very well with the ridiculously trippy vibe.

I would say that John is the rapist and the harmonica player. Sorry, it’s hard to see. He plays the harmonica for a while and I liked the part when he smokes the joint and his actions suggest he’s trying to hide it. He is not very good with sharing. And Mark should be very suspicious of John’s offer to buy the place. Where is he going to find the cash to buy it? He’s a dirty hippie rapist harmonica player. I don’t see that in the help wanted section of the paper often.

I had some difficulty following Lydia’s death scene. I didn’t catch where she took the drugs. John falls over and then she dances around for a while. In fact my notes say: “frolicking hippie has a drug dream(?) and is possibly killed” and then a line later I have: “frolicking hippie dead, acid confirmed.” Still the Horseman is not all that menacing at this point.

It’s here that a few of the menfolk hippies decide to ambush the Horseman. Although at first I thought they were talking about ambushing Solomon. Yes it is hard to follow. Anyway, they do ambush the Horseman and it is revealed to be…………….. Do we spoil it, Richard?

Richard: I think that the horseman was mixing LSD in with the fake blood he sprays on people but I can’t confirm this. This is hilarious because Randy doesn’t actually react at all when he gets covered in blood which means he is immune to LSD. Genius. But yeah, let’s spoil this thing. If you’re reading this and you actually want to avoid having the sort of terrible, sort of great ending ruined for you then skip the parts in italics.

After the hippies and reenactor’s capture the horseman, they take off his costume and it’s John The Rapist. Huh? Of course, he’s not the one. It turns out that there is no supernatural cause behind all this shiznit. Mark has been coveting this gold-laden land since he was a kid and has been dressing up like the headless horseman to chase off people which is weird because he fucking brought them there! Confronted with an insurmountable mountain of evidence that he is guilty as hell, Mark goes psycho and explains (again in very Scooby Doo fashion) about how he has been the villainous villain all along. He then steals a gun from Sandy the reenactor and goes on a wild shooting spree. Brenda is totally heartbroken since she just married the guy like minutes before all this shit rises to the surface. All the exposition in this scene is dang riot.

Brad: I will be honest. I did not suspect Mark. I did not suspect anyone actually. I thought it was the real Headless Horseman. I’d like to back up and talk about the bits that led up to the big reveal. SPOILER: After the hippies discover John is the Horseman, John stabs Solomon and reveals that he found some gold. Then they have another hippie meeting and Zap Randy makes a very convincing argument that John could have only gotten a horse from the hills so he couldn’t be the Horseman. Mark is unimpressed by the gold but does decide that he and Brenda can get married now. And as they do my head spins around and pops off.

It is around this point after the wedding that you can actually see the drug haze start to lift and the hippies start to think something does not make sense. They all start to wonder where Mark was during all the killing and one lady hippie says, “who other than a doctor has access to so much blood?” Mark doesn’t take too kindly to this naturally and who can blame him? There were all kinds of hippies that weren’t around when the murders happened. Mark being the Horseman kind of comes out of nowhere from the story’s point of view. I also thought it was a terrible idea to bring the hippies along if you were trying to hide the gold from everyone. At the end of the film our trusty narrator tells us that this WAS the work of the curse of the Headless Horseman after all and it is only a matter of time before the curse will strike again, again, again, again…. So Mark being greedy for gold that was on his land was the work of the Headless Horseman’s curse? I’d love to hear what you made of that.

Richard: These questions will ring throughout the ages, my friend. You know the damn hippies behind the camera would try to make greed the cause behind this crap and not something supernatural and that pissed me off completely. However, the narrator does try to save the day by saying that the horseman was to blame all along, I do like that. How sad is it that I wanted to believe that he was real? I guess that the fact there was a narrator at all means that there is some omniscient presence watching over everything. A holy spirit of sorts keeping us informed (barely) of what was going on. Maybe that chick was talking to the gods after all.

Okay, spoilers over. I was pretty impressed with Curse of the Headless Horseman. I can’t friggin’ believe that it didn’t shake me with all of its boring scenes. But then again I also cheated and watched a better copy of it than you did. I guess that makes you more of a bad ass. Dang, I had it easy, yo. If only there had been more acid freakouts and more from the awesome supporting characters like The Baroness, Brenda, Yo-Yo, or that half-Native American chick who claims to speak to the gods. And, of course, I wanted more Randy. Any hippie that is immune to a headless horseman attack is essential to any story. And less rape! I wanted there to be less rape. Any final thoughts, Brad?

Brad: My wife thought it was ridiculous. When it was over I told her it would grow in her mind. We had a very much postponed Christmas party to go to that day and when we got home she said it had indeed grown in her mind. It is not a film you watch, but one that sort of unfolds before you. Divorce averted.

The film takes several missteps, some of which you mentioned like neglecting The Baronesss, Yo-Yo, and Randy in favor of less likable characters like John The Harmonica Rapist. My wife thought she caught some dialogue that implied The Baroness had come back to see where one of the characters were killed and called the ranch “a macabre paradise.” I heard some dialogue but I am not sure. If so it was a wasted chance to get her onscreen again. I also wonder how much of the plot was hard to follow by design and/or my crappy disc. The Headless Horseman bit was an odd choice and at times it seemed shoehorned in. No one ever wonders why The Horseman, who is very much a New Englander in any version I’ve seen or read is haunting a ranch in southern California. I have to say as poor as the film was at times it did have its strange charms and I ultimately liked it. And I would have never finished it if it hadn’t been for the discussiethon. Thank you for asking me to participate, I really enjoyed it.

Richard: Nicely done, heezy. Discussiethon = over! Curse of the Headless Horseman = pwned. Squares should never mix with hippies and vice versa.