Ghosts

Slaughterhouse Rock

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of Native American medicine men. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

Spirits of Death

Spirits of Death (1972)

Mariale (Ida Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart) has recurring visions of her mother’s murder at the hands of her father when she was a child. The grief and the horror of this incident has turned her into something of a shut-in. Her husband Paolo (Luigi Pistilli) keeps her in their castle away from others and keeps her doped up for her own good. When Mariale decides to throw a party with a bunch of she and Paolo’s wacky friends, things quickly get out of hand. The party turns into a decadent feast. Did I mention that Massimo (Ivan Rassimov), Mariale’s old flame, is one of the guests attending this little soiree? Oh shit! Tensions begin to rise and soon the party guests start dropping like dang flies at the hands of a brutal murderer.

The languidly paced yet beautiful Spirits of Death creeps across my TV screen and I can’t help but love it. Stuck somewhere between giallo and gothic horror, this film is both eerily nightmarish and sleepily dull (thanks to its substandard ironic plot). Unfortunately, director and cinematographer Ramano Scavolini would go on to direct only one other horror outing: the elusive slasher Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. Because you know what? I really liked where he was going with this one. Then there’s the haunting and phantasmagorical score by Fiorenzo Carpi and Bruno Nicolai which is impossible to forget once you’ve heard it.

I can’t recommend Spirits of Death (AKA A White Dress for Mariale) for anyone just getting into Italian horror films starting with this one but I think this is worth a look for you seasoned experts out there. The cast kicks ten different kinds of ass with Galli, Rassimov and Pistilli on hand. There’s also plenty of sex and violence to make up for some of the drowsy bits. But the pacing is really out of whack with its moments of noise and freakishness followed immediately by scenes of shaky and strange calmness. This would make a fine double feature with Francesco Barilli’s The Perfume of the Lady in Black.

“Mariale, what is on your mind?”

Something Creeping in the Dark

Something Creeping in the Dark (1971)

During a terrible storm, a group of obnoxious strangers are stranded at a mysterious house in the middle of nowhere occupied only by a lone hippie butler named Joe (Gianni Medici). Among them is a murderous criminal named Spike (Farley Granger) accompanied by two police detectives trying to haul him in. While playing a haunting melody on the piano, Spike makes a strange connection with Sylvia (Lucia Bose), a bored bourgeois lady, much to the dismay of her husband Donald (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). Things get really strange when Sylvia holds a seance and they make contact with Sheila Marlowe, the recently deceased owner of the house. It seems that Sylvia’s spirit is not the restful type and she wants a new body to possess. People start dropping like flies under strange circumstances and the chances that anyone is going to survive until dawn are slim.

I want to love this movie, I really do. Oh yeah, it’s gonna be one of those reviews. The kind where I can’t be trusted. Director and writer Mario Coluuci only directed one horror film and it’s easy to see why. Something Creeping in the Dark has some great and very weird moments but the pacing is so off, it is almost funny. Almost. There is very little blood but there is plenty of violence with all the strangulation, bludgeoning, and shooting going on. What this movie has a great deal of is sex. Most of it is suggested and it’s as subtle as a sledgehammer (the Peter Gabriel kind).

There’s a little skin on display from Joe’s girlfriend, played by the adorable Giulia Rovai (who went on to star in nothing). The cast is also blessed with two lovely vixens: Lucia Bose and Mia Genberg (who plays Susan, the repressed nerd whose inhibitions come out and play once the ghost is in control), who both get to wear some very skimpy outfits. Lucia Bose participates in the film’s freakiest scene. While Spike is charming Sylvia’s panties off with his piano playing skills, the two of them share a disturbing fantasy sequence. In this daydream (?), Spike chases Sylvia around, slaps her around, and is about to rape her when she stabs him with a knife. She stabs him again and again and again while Spike just laughs maniacally. Genius!

The seance is where this film really kicks into high gear. (Don’t get used to it.) As you may have figured out by now, I love seance sequences in horror movies and this one is pretty superb. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart kicks all kinds of ass here when his character Donald, a natural medium, becomes possessed by the spirit they are contacting. Donald is a little ball of misery and rage and the ghost takes advantage of that with deadly results. It’s nice to see Rossi-Stuart actually getting into his role for a change. When directors didn’t know what to do with him, duder really phoned it in. Check out The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (totally awful) and Death Smiled at Murder (better film, same result) to see what I mean.

I started out looking for a giallo and found whatever this is instead. But I’ve watched Something Creeping in the Dark twice now and I still can’t get a hold on it. Yes, it’s boring. All of the good stuff: the trippy possession and poltergeist sequences, the loungy/eerie soundtrack by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino, the painfully obvious model house, the catty and banal dialogue, the always welcome presence of Farley Granger (Amuck!), and general disjointedness, just doesn’t make up for the snooze factor involved. Thanks to a couple of well-crafted scares though, I will be returning to the house of Sheila Marlowe against my will. It’s almost as if she has possessed me as well. What’s that, Sheila? You want me to eat more bacon? Okay!

“This kind of morbid exultation can be harmful to the nerves. I advise against it.”

House of Voices

House of Voices (2004)

A young woman named Anna (Virginie Ledoyen) begins her work as a cleaning lady at Saint Ange orphanage. She meets the strict headmistress Miss Frachard (Catriona MacColl) who informs her that the place is being shut down due to the death of one of the children. Anna is to clean the place before the new owners arrive. As strange, inexplicable things begin to happen, Anna begins to realize that something is very wrong at Saint Ange.

Surprisingly, this ethereal horror film comes from Pascal Laugier, the writer and director of the violent and harrowing Martyrs (2008). Effectively chilling and beautiful, Saint Ange requires some patience due to a thin storyline and trite dialogue. Characters are thinly written but the odd acting style makes up for it. It’s nice to see veteran Euro-horror queen Catriona MacColl giving a good (though slightly stiff) performance. The ending of this film is some cold, overly brightly lit craziness!

The trailer for House of Voices (AKA Saint Ange) caught my eye but it wasn’t until after reading the bad reviews and the scathing user comments on IMDB that I was convinced that I had to seek this one out. This film’s emphasis on a somber mood and lush gothic imagery at the expense of a cohesive plot doom it to this kind of reaction and will severely limit its appeal. However, fans of atmospheric French horror in the vein of Jean Rollin (like yours truly) will be richly rewarded by giving this little gem a chance.

Ouija Room (2019)

Ouija Room AKA Haunting Inside (2019)

After the death of their parents, aspiring novelist Sammy (John Bradley Hambrick) takes care of his autistic sister Sylvia (Joni Durian). Sylvia has severe agoraphobia and a host of other issues, so her brother brings her board games to help her stay calm and focused. Unfortunately, a Ouija Board (dun dun dun!) is mixed in among the stack of games and supernatural hijinks ensue.

Sylvia is visited by three spirits, though none of which are Christmas-related. They teach her how to cook and how to play some new games. But it isn’t long before these games take a dark turn causing Sylvia and Sammy’s happy life together to unravel. Are the spirits trying to help Sammy or do they have ulterior motives? I won’t tell!

Ouija Room is a very impressive indie horror film but that’s not too surprising since director Henrique Cuoto has been making films since the mid-2000s. The script by Daniel Wilder is funny, creepy, and heartfelt. I dig the ominous score by composer Ray Mattis which contributes to the overall atmosphere of tension and dread that begins to build almost immediately. The film also has excellent pacing and energy to spare on its side.

The cast is committed to their roles and turn in consistent performances. Joni Durian is excellent as Sylvia. She really carries the movie and deftly portrays a sympathetic character without being schmaltzy. Hambrick is also very good as Sammy, a dude who loves his sister but is barely holding it together. Dear reader, keeping a bottle of mystery booze and a frickin’ Glock within arm’s reach of your bed are kinda ill-advised even at the best of times. Just sayin’.

Get the DVD.

 “Spirits, do you like chalk?”

Les Démoniaques (1974)

The film opens with a brief description of the wreckers, a group of pirates who, instead of cruising the seas to plunder, light fires on the beaches to lead passing ships into the rocks and then loot the wreckage. This particular group of wreckers is led by The Captain (John Rico) and is a particularly nasty and bloodthirsty bunch. While they are looting a wreck one night, two survivors (Lieva Lone and Patricia Hermenier) are washed ashore. Upon discovering them, the wreckers proceed to rape and assault the girls then leave them for dead. The two girls make their way to an abandoned cathedral where a swarthy demon is kept prisoner by a clown (Mireille Dargent) and a hippie. They make a deal with the demon in order to get their revenge on the wreckers.

Jean Rollin (Requiem for a Vampire, Grapes Of Death) directs this very weird yet visually stunning tale of pirates, a demon, the undead, psychic powers, and a clown. The soundtrack is composed of jazz and what sounds like stock horror movie music. Jean-Jacques Renon’s cinematography is gorgeous and he makes excellent use of the haunting locations. The already modest pacing of the film is hindered by some softcore sex moments but never slows to a crawl like some of Rollin’s artier efforts.

Joëlle Coeur (Seven Women for Satan) is awesome and extremely sexy as Tina, the most psychotic and violent of the wreckers. Tina’s pursuit of the two girls is unrelenting and when she screams “I’ll bring you back their heads!” well, I’m perfectly convinced she would have, if given the chance. John Rico is great as the Captain, a man who is haunted by his past misdeeds. Paul Bisciglia (Grapes Of Death) is very cool as Paul, the drunkard of the group, whose bloody (albeit highly unlikely) fate is perfectly ironic.

The two beautiful actresses, Lieva Lone and Patricia Hermenier, play their parts mute for whatever reason. According to the film these two demoniacs lose their ability to speak after getting their powers from the demon which is funny because in most of Rollin’s films, the heroines are almost always completely silent anyway. Either way, it’s kind of silly and a shame that these two actresses didn’t do more horror films. Their performances are haunting and very well played.

Les Démoniaques is an incredible film but I have to warn viewers not accustomed to Jean Rollin to put on their patience pants. Although this is certainly easier to jump into than say Rape of the Vampire or The Shiver Of the Vampires. A better Rollin starting point for casual horror fans may be found in Grapes Of Death or The Living Dead Girl. The dreamlike quality of this one may be too much for folks looking for splatter. However, what Les Démoniaques lacks in arterial spray and squewered intestines, it delivers with frightening brutality and disturbing rape scenes. There’s also gratuitous clown makeup and a disco fab “demon” man. So, if you’re looking for some trashy Eurohorror delivered with style and an unforgettable ending, then check this one out, people.

The Cursed Medallion (1975)

Young Emily Williams (Nicoletta Elmi) has been acting very odd since her mother burned to death in a freak accident. Her father, art historian Michael Williams (Richard Johnson), believes that she is just grieving in her own way. Things begin to get worse when Michael travels with Emily and her nanny Jill (Ida Galli)to a village to film a TV show about a mysterious painting. This painting has a strange effect on his daughter. She becomes jealous of her father’s new lover, Joanna (played by Joanna Cassidy), and behaves erratically and violently as though possessed by a spirit. What’s left of the Williams family seems doomed by a centuries old curse but Michael isn’t ready to accept defeat and will fight for his daughter’s soul.

I search far and wide for imperfect gems like The Cursed Medallion. Director Massimo Dallamano (What Have You Done to Solange?) shows that he can easily direct modern gothic chillers like this one. With an emphasis on gorgeous cinematography and flawless lighting, the film is almost decadent in its richness. Throw a plot reminiscent of great gothic literature and some picturesque scenery into the mix and we’ve got something special. While far from a perfect film, I was right at home with this Italian rarity.

It’s always a pleasure to see the odd-looking Nicoletta Elmi of Bay of Blood and Profondo Rosso on the screen. Like every great Italian actress she can also push things way, way over the top. Adding some class to the proceedings is Richard Johnson of Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. Another familiar face belongs to Ida Galli (AKA Evelyn Stewart) of The Bloodstained Butterfly and Knife of Ice who plays Jill, the hapless nanny. And I really liked Russian actress Lila Kedrova as the eccentric Contessa Cappelli.

The film is quite schizophrenic with it being both subtle at times and comically obvious at others. Like most Italian horror films, The Cursed Medallion shoots itself in the foot; though only twice. First, there is a totally unconvincing visual effect when a certain character falls off the side of a cliff. Second, the film’s finale (this is not a spoiler, by the way) is kicked in the tits by the phrase “Perché?” (“Why?”) which is splashed across the screen in huge blue letters.

Since the plot involves possession (ghostly not demonic), there are just a few Exorcist-like moments but nothing in the vein of Beyond the Door or any of the other Italian films “inspired” by the William Friedkin film. This is a tragic tale of a family’s inescapable fate with a piece of prophetic art (and a medallion!) at the center of it all and that’s about it. Italian horror fans looking for atmosphere over splatter, will be very happy with The Cursed Medallion. Instead of rotting zombies and arterial spray we get ghostly dream sequences and some wildly overwrought melodrama. Some may call it boring but I call it Heaven.

“Why must destiny be so relentless?”

Ghost Ballroom

Ghost Ballroom (1989)

Okay, let me try and do this as painlessly as possible. Mei is a prostitute junkie who owes her employer and lover, Master Condon, a great deal of money. Condon and his cronies throw her out of her apartment window and she dies. When she shows up and starts making some serious supernatural trouble for her killers, Condon hires a monk to get rid of Mei’s spirit. Knowing that she can’t do it alone, Mei approaches her living friends to help her gain the strength to take her revenge on Condon.

The kooky circus/pop opening credit music should have been enough to tip me off to what I was in for when Netflix sent me Ghost Ballroom. The plot is as dumb as a bag of rocks and the tone is all over the place. Director Wilson Tong tries to blend gritty urban drama, comedy, horror, kung-fu, and magic in one film and he almost pulls it off. The biggest problem is that Ghost Ballroom is so spastic that it never develops any of its characters. There is no main character to follow. Instead of 2 or 3 leads, this film has 5 or 6 main people who are never painted in anything more than a superficial light. All of the characters are hookers, drug dealers, gamblers, gangsters, junkies, etc. so it’s kind of tough to find anyone to relate to.

Where Ghost Ballroom does succeed is in its energy. Once it gets going, the pace never lets up. For the benefit of the Western viewer, there are multiple moments lost in translation that are worth a laugh or two. There are also some genuinely funny parts (some clever, some straight out of the gutter) but the tone problems I mentioned make it difficult to really enjoy them. The horror and magic sequences are cool enough but are usually pretty weak and the sleazy sex is kept to a minimum as well. Had director Tong pushed the envelope in either direction, this film might make a little more sense, entertainmentally (is that a real word?) speaking. It’s not the worst I’ve seen from that wild planet called Hong Kong but it certainly could have been much, much better.

Nightmare Zone

Nightmare Zone (1998)

This trilogy of horror stories begins when May Ho (Emily Kwan) becomes bored and calls her family’s old phone number only to find herself on the other line. In the next story, Mr. Tin (Lai Yiu Cheung) and his wife, Lily (Cheung Yuen Man), are just trying to get by in their failing marriage and squalid apartment. Tin’s urge to murder innocent people after they even slightly offend him and Lily’s need to carry a meat cleaver around with her at all times don’t help matters much. Lastly, Simon Chu (Max Mok) is haunted by dreams of the past and finds that the only one who can help him is the con artist, Feng Chin (Yvonne Yung).

I can’t even say “Nightmare Zone” without screaming, falling to my knees, and shaking my fists at the sky. Director Yuk Jan Lee’s horrifyingly bland and terrifyingly lame Nightmare Zone runs less than 90 minutes but feels just under 90 years long. Come to think of it, other than some stylish (yet very brief) moments in the cinematography department and amusing flubs in the subtitles (“Yeah, human is never up to the Heaven.”), there is nothing even remotely valuable about watching this picture. Well? Hold on, maybe I can come up with something.

The first story is filmed very nicely in a moody blue hue. Unfortunately, the script is gray and tan paisley. The unluckily named, May Ho (played by Emily Kwan of The Untold Story and Dr. Lamb), goes goth while feeling lonely without her boyfriend around (codependent!). Pretty sad to watch someone bottoming out in Hong Kong because she called herself and herself answered the phone. Confused? You won’t be but you’ll wish you were. May’s whipped boyfriend, Chi On, is sufficiently dreamy but man, get a life. The finale at the “Tin Tin Building” couldn’t come any sooner with an open or closed ending that hurts if I think about it too much. Not a good way to start the trilogy.

The best story of the three (and that isn’t saying much) is up next. The story of Mr. Tin (Lai Yui Cheung of The Stewardess) and his crazy wife has the plot of a Cat III flick but none of the extreme sex and violence. This is a damn shame since the best performances in Nightmare Zone are wasted on a tame and bloodless storyline. Other than a couple of quick murder scenes and some implied cannibalism, we’re left with a quick and unsatisfying ending to a decent story.

They saved the best for the last if you happen to hate entertainment. The gorgeous Yvonne Yung (Chinese Torture Chamber) plays Feng Chin, a fake psychic who cheats people out of their hard earned money. It’s amazing to watch such a beautiful woman playing a money-grubbing scumbag like this. Poor Simon Chu (Max Mok of Ghost Fever), he has to follow this biznitch around and try to find the answer to his dreams. Hell of a hobby. The ending will simply not stop taking its sweet time wrapping up and pretty soon the whole thing just induces giggles and eye-gouging.

If you feel you have to see every Asian horror movie ever made then put this one at the top of your list so you can get it over with quickly. Nightmare Zone gives all Hong Kong horror movies a bad name just by its very existence. I keep trying to figure out why I have watched this one twice when twice is three times too many. That’s it, screw this, I’m going out to have some “monkey affairs” of my own, whatever that means.

Slaughterhouse Rock

slaughterhouserock

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of “Indian medicine men”. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”