Zombie Death House

Directed by John Saxon

1987

90 minutes

Plot: Vietnam vet Derek Keillor (Dennis Cole) pays the bills by working as a driver for mob boss Vic Moretti (Anthony Franciosa). When Vic discovers that his driver has been sleeping with his wife, he kills her and frames Derek for the crime. The jail he is sent to houses Vic’s brother Franco (Michael Pataki) and which also happens to be the most corrupt prison in the world. Colonel Gordon Burgess (John Saxon) is using the inmates to test a mind control virus. He calls in scientist Tanya Karrington (Tane McClure) to confirm and report on the success of his research. But everything goes wrong, the inmates turn into zombies and it is up to Tanya and Derek to come up with a cure. When Burgess begins to fear that he can’t contain the virus, he sends in the military to blow up the joint. Will anyone survive? Will anyone notice that I just skipped over about 90% of the plot of this convoluted ass movie?

[Please note: There are spoilers in this article because the warden short-sheeted us.]

Nafa: Right from the get-go you know you are in for a treat when the title screen pops up with the words ‘Zombie Death House’ but you notice the word ‘Zombie’ was added at some point later, probably for DVD release . Rather than make a completely new title screen they just threw the word ‘Zombie’ in with a similar but not matching font. They could have used a scary font or a different font, or played it off as intentionally different, but no- the viewer won’t notice, they’ll be too busy marking out for John Saxon (which I always have, but only because his name in the ‘80s reminded me of the video game Zaxxon). But we’ll deal with the cast in a moment. The other 800-lb. gorilla in the room is the feeling that you’re watching a made-for-TV film. I’m thinking one episode of “Hardcastle & McCormick” probably had a bigger budget, not that that’s a bad thing. Herr Sliz?

Richard: Duder, are we connected at the butt or what? Oh sorry, this is a prison film after all. But I did notice the font change. I think it was intentional. The slightly different font just makes the inclusion of the word ‘Zombie’ all the more terrifying. The next thing that struck me (slightly more interesting than fonts anyway) is the music by Chuck Cirino. Check out this dude’s IMDB page and bear witness to the supremely awesome movies he has lent sassy keyboard skills to (Chopping Mall, Sorority House Massacre II, etc.). All we need to know about our main character Derek Keillor is that he’s a Vietnam vet. I freakin’ love that about 80s movies. Just show that the duder was in ‘Nam and you can flush all that unnecessary character exposition right down the shitter. Instant depth!

Nafa: I am soooooo not buying the intentional font change theory. It’s totally there to appeal to a bigger audience on DVD. But I digest. ‘Nam vets make the best -erm- everything. There wasn’t an ‘80s action flick or TV show that didn’t have at least one kick ass guy who served in ‘Nam-Rambo, the “A-Team”, the soldiers from the original Predator, Sloth from The Goonies. The formulaic thing about these HollywoodNam vets is that they always end up working for a bad Italianesque mobster. I don’t know if there is a hook-up book for these pairings but it seems like a thing with them all. Oh, and hot, if not dated (in the fashion sense), blondes.

Richard: The blond women of Zombie Death House are pretty amazing. First up is Genelle (Dana Lis Mason) who has this really odious make-out scene with her gangster boyfriend Vic Moretti (Anthony Franciosa). Of course, Genelle hooks up with Derek “I just drive” Keillor and the sparks fly. And by sparks I mean awful sex scenes. This affair leads to Genelle’s untimely drowning in the bathtub by Vic. And just like this movie, she’s a floater.

The most significant hottie in the film is Tanya Karrington or TK for short. Tanya is played by Tane McClure, who is the daughter of actor Doug McClure and the inspiration for Journey’s classic piece of shit “Faithfully”. Useless trivia? Not at all. I couldn’t figure out if TK was a scientist or a journalist. I guess she’s kind of both but whatever, the main thing is that TK has trust issues. You see, she got burned by Colonel Burgess (John Saxon) before when they were working together on the previous version of the mind control virus. You just can’t trust da gubment.

And finally, we have the soul-crushing, ball-busting, mega supreme power of Warden Hagen’s wife, Mary (June Chandler, who portrayed Barbara Walters in the Mike Tyson made-for-TV biography). She threatens to take away Christmas if Hagen doesn’t abandon his job for some family time. Okay, I’ve spent too much time talking about chicks. Nafa, would you care to enlighten us on some of the fabulous dudes in this film?

Nafa: The cast is a veritable who’s who of people you think you’ve seen in other roles but can’t quite place. There’s the head guard, Raker (Howard George, best known in recent years for his work as ‘Stripper Auditioner’ on “Roswell”), who brings new meaning to the word ‘corrupt’- if the new meaning meant the same as the old meaning. Then there’s the “guy you want to survive to the end but know won’t though he gets his revenge” Adams (Earl Johnson), a Rastafarian sage and the only thing with even a vague sense of a spiritual soul in this film. And then there’s Franco Moretti (Michael Pataki), flamboyant brother of Vic Moretti, who runs his brother’s business inside the big house. He proves that behind every good man is another man doing his hair. The rest of the cast is consists of people who you’d use other celebrities to reference- such as the gang duder in the red headband who looks like George Lopez, the soldier with one scene who looks like Michael Ian Black, or Colonel Burgess’ assistant who I swear is Andy Richter.

Richard: That guy is so Andy Richter. Awesome. Hey, is the phrase “tearing him a new asshole” code for something? Michael Pataki (of Sidehackers) is a god among other gods in this movie. Franco Moretti is such a fancy character. I have to agree with you about Adams. He’s my favorite character in the movie and he gets killed off way too soon. It’s actually pretty sad: “They stuck me!” The guy who looks like George Lopez is Rickey Pardon and he plays Hector, the kickass bastard who says “Hey mamacita, I’m you’re date for the prom!” Raker seemed pretty harmless and ineffectual until he RAPES Franco’s cellmate/life partner. His best line: “Save your spit, you’re gonna need it in Hell.”

Anthony Franciosa (of Tenebre) is the real catch here. The guy has the most fascinating voice ever to slide its way out of a human head (with awesome immovable hair). He is completely committed to this role and exudes evil in every scene. John Saxon (also of Tenebre) is in pretty amazing form here as well. The dude is in the director’s chair for this one and his character is the mastermind behind all this mind control zombie nuttiness. Of course, Saxon ensured that Colonel Burgess would get a monologue that is nothing short of breathtaking.

[The rest of this very Doomed Discussiethon is being written literally 3 and a half months later.]

Nafa: Have we watched this film yet?

Richard: Oops! Yeah, we totally watched this film already. I guess the holidays kind of put a screeching halt on this discussion. Let me refer to my notes and see what we haven’t talked about yet.

Nafa: Yeah, I’m sorry about that- I totally dropped the ball on this. I guess the terrorists win.

Richard: We need to talk about the chef. “Don’t touch my twinkies!”

Nafa: Ah yes, the chef. Probably one of the most expected-yet-unexpected scenes in the film and by far the best line in the film. The thing that creeped me out most about the chef is that I started to think that he wasn’t a zombie, just a Twinkie-lover (wow, that last word pairing was very close to another prison term, though not entirely divergent). The thought that he was cooking the food just as he is makes it all the better in my mind. Re-butt-al?

Richard: Yeah, I foolishly assumed that the chef duder was a zombie. But he could have just been a total dick with a skin condition. I wanted him to kill that fucking annoying Luke look-at-me-I-can-has-skateboard-kid. Did I mention that dream sequence yet? Oh my god. You think that we’re going to get some R rated lovin’ between hero Derek and TK the sexy scientist but oh no, that’s just a dream. Like the duder didn’t get enough action from his boss’s wife (which landed him in jail in the first dang place), now he has to have the hots for the heroine. What a pig! But he gets his when her face is all zombified which probably wouldn’t slow me down in a fantasy sequence.

Nafa: Which reminds me of another point. I sort of got confused with the blondes once they were thrown into the mix together. That happens sometimes, but I sort of lost track which was which. Maybe I’m thinking of another movie, but probably not. Probably both. That’s the thing about 1970s-1980s films like this, sometimes the characters aren’t all that indistinguishable. Just like having a cave in a mountain for a prison that’s located in the middle of the desert (smooth segue, no?).

Richard: Don’t worry. You’re just having a perfectly normal reaction to what some doctors refer to as TERRIBLE or CHILDLIKE screenwriting. Don’t get me wrong, I frickin’ love the cheese and the whole quasi-epic nature of Zombie Death House but I was perfectly satisfied and ready for this shit to be over. And then it goes on for another 19 minutes! The army gets called in and instead of just nuking the fucking prison off the map, they send in a squad to plant bombs. Timed bombs?!?! As if we weren’t bored enough; now we have to wait for a bunch of clocks?

Nafa: I was about to skip all the wait to the very end, but the bomb squad- and not the music producers for Public Enemy kind- what was that all about? Were they Special Forces? Spetsnaz? Tzahal? I mean, what was that? They weren’t very good, but they were awfully special. Urgh. OK, the end. We can assume that this prison in the middle of the desert was at least 12 miles away from any isolated caves or mountains. If not, then this was the worst protected prison ever. (And why did it remind me of the end of Silent Rage?) I think I was watching this ending and making up a different one in my head to go along with it. Bah, I’ve got no more to say. I’m thoroughly spent on this film. Can you put a bow and name tag on this for us, Sliz? Any thoughts on the ending?

Richard: It sucks and it takes forever? Hmm, I will admit to the overall awesomeness of the entirety of Zombie Death House but with the CAVEAT that the shit is just too friggin’ long. And then the weirdest non sequitur of all: they play Dead Kennedys over the end credits! Even that can’t help John Saxon recover. I can only hope that the duder will return to directing and give this gig another go. The writers shouldn’t ever write again though. I’m assuming that they are probably in their mid-20s by now. I guess what I really want to say is that Zombie Death House is what Missing in Action could have been or perhaps what that “Oz” show could have been. Sigh.

Goodnight, folks!