Genki Genki Panic – The Munge

Your favorite Chattanooga-based surf punk trio is back! Truth be told, they didn’t actually go anywhere. But they have been festering in a pit of DNA-covered broken guitar strings, bloody drumsticks, and mostly inedible mutant bat meat. Their new three song EP entitled The Munge is the best horror surf movie soundtrack for a film that doesn’t exist you’ll hear anytime soon. I’ve been following this band for quite a while now and every time they have something new, it’s better than their previous efforts. So if you crave twisting creepazoid guitars, eerie ghoul keyboards, creeping deceased basslines, and bombastic zombified drums (and really who doesn’t?), then I urge you to check out The Munge. At the time of this review, you can get The Munge on green splatter vinyl. Get ‘em while they’re hot and stinky.

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of Native American medicine men. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

The Vampire and the Ballerina

The Vampire and the Ballerina (1960)

A rock and roll ballet troupe stays in the countryside in order to practice before their next gig. The nearby village lives in fear of a local vampire who inhabits a medieval castle nicknamed “the Castle of the Damned”. One of the dancers, Louisa (Helene Romy) gets bitten by the vampire and her friend Francesca (Tina Gloriani) tries to save her from becoming enslaved by the undead. If I go any further into this convoluted plot with its extraneous characters, we’ll be here for a couple of hours.

Equal parts early 1960s pop-kitsch and gothic horror, Renato Polselli’s The Vampire and the Ballerina is a wacky good time flick. Aside from its silliness, the biggest problem with this movie is the pacing. It drags towards the end but it’s worth sticking it out. Bad movie enthusiasts will no doubt be able to get a laugh out of the incredibly cheesy dialog and half-assed dance sequences. Fans of the Italian gothics will enjoy the beautiful scenery, moody cinematography and effective lighting. The soundtrack by Aldo Piga is nothing to get excited about as it seems just a tad old fashioned though the upbeat pieces for the dance numbers are decent enough.

While it is completely tame by today’s standards, this flick is quite the sexualized little vampire tale and things get pretty hot and heavy. The vampire’s bite causes a rapturous sexual frenzy in his (always female) victims. Ladies affected by fangy charms look like they’re about to cream their dang jeans (or leotards, in this case). To add to the naughtiness, all of the female characters in this movie show a lot of skin. There’s plenty of practically see-through nighties and low-cut gowns (don’t forget those leotards!) to keep you perverts out there satisfied (or thoroughly teased).

Polselli would go on to direct some real trash in the 70s like the idiotic giallo Delirium and the supernatural head scratcher The Reincarnation of Isabel. On a much more successful note, this is insanely prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi’s first writing credit and I have to say this is pretty good, all things considered. The Vampire and the Ballerina is a humble, awkwardly plotted but fun beginning of a nearly 40 year screenwriting career. This man lent his talents to so many incredible films, that it is simply mind-boggling for an Italian film nut like me to even ponder.

The Vampire and the Ballerina is a lot of fun thanks to its hilarious badness but there is enough decent material stashed in the camp to make this a worthwhile Italian horror film. There is also strange twist to the vampire legend here (elaborated on below) and some weird, painfully obvious sexual overtones. I can’t say much good about the makeup though; the vampire looks like a crappy old lady with a skin condition. It just made me sad and I want to wish him luck. Good luck, buddy.

“Get back into your coffin; it is your coach to the land of the living dead!”

Zombie Night

Zombie Night (2013)

Patrick (Anthony Michael Hall) and his wife Birdy (Darryl Hannah) must fight for their lives and the lives of their children during a zombie outbreak. If you feel as though you need to know more about the plot of this film then let me assure you that you don’t. Look, I’m on your side. Don’t get all riled up, duder. Just relax and keep reading.

To the credit of director John Gulager (Feast), Zombie Night wastes no time getting started. In fact, I found it very amusing how people start looting the city immediately. There’s lots of cringe-inducing acting and super awkward moments from the cast. The script is insanely silly and there are so many inexplicable moments that will amuse you if you’re the kind of crazy and insane weirdo who thinks bad movies are funny. There are some tense scenes and effective moments but the rest of the ghoulish goings-on are greatly goofy.

The cast is an 80s dream with Anthony Michael Hall, Darryl Hannah, Alan Ruck, and Shirley Jones- Wait a minute! Shirley Jones, what are you doing here? Oh, you’re trying to break the world’s record for overacting? Good luck! Some of the zombie makeup is pretty good and some is really bad. Speaking of inconsistent, the movie sets up some strange rules for the zombies. Does a zombie bite make you turn into a zombie or not? Why does the sun coming up mean that the zombie apocalypse will be over?

I’ve probably already said too much about this film. Beyond the surprise that Syfy Channel made something this watchable, there isn’t any reason for you to go out of your way to watch this. A zombie movie is a zombie is a zombie movie but you’ll get a few laughs at all the stupid shit that doesn’t make sense and there is enough atmosphere and gut-munching to keep you from getting too bored.

“You just think the best of people, baby. Don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

Tragic Ceremony

Tragic Ceremony (1972)

One stormy night, four friends, led by rich boy Bill (Tony Isbert), run out of gas while returning from a camping trip and stop at a mansion for help. The lord of the house (played by Luigi Pistilli) invites them in but he is distracted by the group of Satanists he is entertaining. When one of the four friends, Jane (Camille Keaton), is to be used as a sacrifice in a ritual, Bill and his friends step in. After Bill accidentally kills the lady of the house (Luciana Paluzzi), the entire group of Satanists goes berserk and the night ends in bloodshed. The four friends flee the mansion with their lives but have no idea that there are still in grave danger.

One of Italy’s unsung heroes of horror, Riccardo Freda, directs this follow up to his 1971 giallo The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire. Though Tragic Ceremony takes a while to get going and is a little confusing (intentionally?), I can’t help but be happy about its DVD debut. The film is definitely a bizarre one. Its plot is as shaky as the sometimes inept yet elegant cinematography. How does that work? The lighting is acceptable but there are some occasional moments of brilliance. I really like Stelvio Cipriani’s sweeping, melodramatic, and overly sentimental score for the film.

Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave is quite good as Jane, the haunted, strange, and sometimes callous young woman that everybody (especially the Satanists) wants a piece of. Surprisingly, the main male actors in Tragic Ceremony are pretty dang good (not what I was expecting). While they may have some weak dialogue to contend with, Tony Isbert (I find that very amusing (is he really Bert?)), Máximo Valverde, and Giovanni Petrucci, all still manage to perform competently in this weird and somewhat wandering horror film.

My only gripe about the casting is that the late and oh so very great Luigi Pistilli is totally wasted in his brief role. Maybe he did it as a favor to the director but I was kind of disappointed by what is little more than an extended cameo. What can I say? This intense and charismatic guy is one of my favorites. Check out Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key for one of his finest performances.

Those uninitiated into the world of Eurohorror might be alienated by this odd little number but diehard fans of the genre (and fans of Riccardo Freda especially) need to check out Tragic Ceremony. This flick has got some silly ass psychobabble, gratuitous nudity, supernatural hokum, ludicrously over-the-top gore, and even some sweet, sweet gothic excesses tossed in for good measure. Don’t let the meandering and fairly obvious plot put you off. I’m telling you, this one is worth it.

“The lady had exceptional mediumistic powers.”

Tell Me Something

Tell Me Something (1999)

A series of hideous yet insidiously precise murders are taking place in the city and two detectives, Cho and Oh (played by Suk-kyu Han and Hang-Seon Jang, respectively) are on the case. The clues lead them to a lovely artist named Chae (Eun-ha Shim), who was romantically involved with all of the victims. She tells them about Ki-yeon (Jun-Sang Yu), her possessive ex, who happens to be a surgeon and has the medical knowledge to pull off the crimes.

Of course, things aren’t so simple. Detective Cho, the younger of the two cops, is a mess. Internal affairs has been after his ass for years over some screw-up from his past. And he can’t resist the morose charms of Chae, the poster child for damaged goods. Will he be able to keep his head (both of them) on straight and solve this case before anyone else ends up sliced and diced and on display for the world to see?

I first heard about this film (directed by Youn-hyun Chang) while reading an old Videoscope magazine and it sounded intriguing. Tell Me Something is a gruesome little thriller with some giallo influence for sure. The acting from all involved is very good. My only complaints are that the film is wee bit pretentious (though it is earned for the most part), the pacing lags a bit towards the end, and the score is pretty dated. But even with those minor quibbles, I’m glad I checked this one out. There is a lot of tension, ghastly gore setpieces, and the atmosphere is gritty and full of dread. Recommended despite its minor flaws.

Spirits of Death

Spirits of Death (1972)

Mariale (Ida Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart) has recurring visions of her mother’s murder at the hands of her father when she was a child. The grief and the horror of this incident has turned her into something of a shut-in. Her husband Paolo (Luigi Pistilli) keeps her in their castle away from others and keeps her doped up for her own good. When Mariale decides to throw a party with a bunch of she and Paolo’s wacky friends, things quickly get out of hand. The party turns into a decadent feast. Did I mention that Massimo (Ivan Rassimov), Mariale’s old flame, is one of the guests attending this little soiree? Oh shit! Tensions begin to rise and soon the party guests start dropping like dang flies at the hands of a brutal murderer.

The languidly paced yet beautiful Spirits of Death creeps across my TV screen and I can’t help but love it. Stuck somewhere between giallo and gothic horror, this film is both eerily nightmarish and sleepily dull (thanks to its substandard ironic plot). Unfortunately, director and cinematographer Ramano Scavolini would go on to direct only one other horror outing: the elusive slasher Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. Because you know what? I really liked where he was going with this one. Then there’s the haunting and phantasmagorical score by Fiorenzo Carpi and Bruno Nicolai which is impossible to forget once you’ve heard it.

I can’t recommend Spirits of Death (AKA A White Dress for Mariale) for anyone just getting into Italian horror films starting with this one but I think this is worth a look for you seasoned experts out there. The cast kicks ten different kinds of ass with Galli, Rassimov and Pistilli on hand. There’s also plenty of sex and violence to make up for some of the drowsy bits. But the pacing is really out of whack with its moments of noise and freakishness followed immediately by scenes of shaky and strange calmness. This would make a fine double feature with Francesco Barilli’s The Perfume of the Lady in Black.

“Mariale, what is on your mind?”

Something Creeping in the Dark

Something Creeping in the Dark (1971)

During a terrible storm, a group of obnoxious strangers are stranded at a mysterious house in the middle of nowhere occupied only by a lone hippie butler named Joe (Gianni Medici). Among them is a murderous criminal named Spike (Farley Granger) accompanied by two police detectives trying to haul him in. While playing a haunting melody on the piano, Spike makes a strange connection with Sylvia (Lucia Bose), a bored bourgeois lady, much to the dismay of her husband Donald (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). Things get really strange when Sylvia holds a seance and they make contact with Sheila Marlowe, the recently deceased owner of the house. It seems that Sylvia’s spirit is not the restful type and she wants a new body to possess. People start dropping like flies under strange circumstances and the chances that anyone is going to survive until dawn are slim.

I want to love this movie, I really do. Oh yeah, it’s gonna be one of those reviews. The kind where I can’t be trusted. Director and writer Mario Coluuci only directed one horror film and it’s easy to see why. Something Creeping in the Dark has some great and very weird moments but the pacing is so off, it is almost funny. Almost. There is very little blood but there is plenty of violence with all the strangulation, bludgeoning, and shooting going on. What this movie has a great deal of is sex. Most of it is suggested and it’s as subtle as a sledgehammer (the Peter Gabriel kind).

There’s a little skin on display from Joe’s girlfriend, played by the adorable Giulia Rovai (who went on to star in nothing). The cast is also blessed with two lovely vixens: Lucia Bose and Mia Genberg (who plays Susan, the repressed nerd whose inhibitions come out and play once the ghost is in control), who both get to wear some very skimpy outfits. Lucia Bose participates in the film’s freakiest scene. While Spike is charming Sylvia’s panties off with his piano playing skills, the two of them share a disturbing fantasy sequence. In this daydream (?), Spike chases Sylvia around, slaps her around, and is about to rape her when she stabs him with a knife. She stabs him again and again and again while Spike just laughs maniacally. Genius!

The seance is where this film really kicks into high gear. (Don’t get used to it.) As you may have figured out by now, I love seance sequences in horror movies and this one is pretty superb. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart kicks all kinds of ass here when his character Donald, a natural medium, becomes possessed by the spirit they are contacting. Donald is a little ball of misery and rage and the ghost takes advantage of that with deadly results. It’s nice to see Rossi-Stuart actually getting into his role for a change. When directors didn’t know what to do with him, duder really phoned it in. Check out The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (totally awful) and Death Smiled at Murder (better film, same result) to see what I mean.

I started out looking for a giallo and found whatever this is instead. But I’ve watched Something Creeping in the Dark twice now and I still can’t get a hold on it. Yes, it’s boring. All of the good stuff: the trippy possession and poltergeist sequences, the loungy/eerie soundtrack by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino, the painfully obvious model house, the catty and banal dialogue, the always welcome presence of Farley Granger (Amuck!), and general disjointedness, just doesn’t make up for the snooze factor involved. Thanks to a couple of well-crafted scares though, I will be returning to the house of Sheila Marlowe against my will. It’s almost as if she has possessed me as well. What’s that, Sheila? You want me to eat more bacon? Okay!

“This kind of morbid exultation can be harmful to the nerves. I advise against it.”

Shadow of Illusion

Shadow of Illusion (1970)

Advertising executive, Gail Bland (Daniela Giordano), travels to Cairo to do a business deal with a company called Isis Cosmetics. Once there, Gail is beset by all manner of bizarre occurrences and weird people. A cult led by a creepy brother (Antonio Cantafora) and sister (Krista Nell) believe that she is the reincarnation of Isis and want to sacrifice her. Enter Caleb (William Berger), a swingin’ cool cat professor to her rescue. He takes Gail to see the sites, always just one step ahead of the mysterious cult. Every time Caleb leaves her alone, danger rears its heavily eye-shadowed head.

This rather different little film sports some great cinematography from Erico Menczer (The Dead are Alive, The Cat o’ Nine Tails) and a jazzy, fun score from the ever-reliable Carlo Savina (Lisa and the Devil). The plot is very simple and it’s peppered with a lot of foolish behavior on Gail’s part to keep it moving. This gets frustrating after a while but all of it can be explained away by her goofy state of mind (never smoke cigarettes from a stranger in Cairo) so whatever. Luckily, Mario Caiano’s direction is solid and everyone involved delivers decent performances.

There is very little blood but there is some violence and even a little sleaze. Oh and there’s a miserable dance number during a ritual that will have you groaning or cheering depending on your state of mind. I’m sure that the rampant dope-smoking and LSD trip sequence will appeal to a certain type of audience. That’s right, I’m talking to you, druggie!

I can’t imagine that casual viewers will like Shadow of Illusion. But if you’re like me, you’re on a constant quest for every giallo ever made (and I’m not saying this is a giallo) and don’t mind stumbling upon mostly entertaining Italian horror nonsense then you’ll probably get a kick out of this one. This film limps along surprisingly well and just barely stays ahead of its thin premise and awkward dubbing the whole time. About an hour in, I thought to myself, “This is something Jess Franco should have directed.” So you can take that for what it’s worth.

Satan’s Wife

Satan’s Wife (1979)

The film opens with a disco satanic ritual featuring some nude dancers. Then we meet Carlotta (Anne Heywood), a former Satanist, and her daughter Daria (Lara Wendel), who Carlotta suspects is the child of Satan. Daria spends her time being a total asshole (so she has to be the devil’s kid) by torturing her teacher (Valentina Cortese) and a boy from her school. Carlotta seeks help from her witchy friends and even an evil priest (John Phillip Law) but Daria is too strong for them all. There is a final showdown but you’ll only see it if you’re still awake at the end of the movie.

If you were looking for the worst satanic horror film ever made, you’d meet up with Satan’s Wife AKA Ring of Darkness on your way down the list. Way, way down. Pier Carpi serves as both director and writer on this one and botches them both pretty good. The film is also edited poorly and it feels as though scenes are out of order but they probably aren’t. The dubbing is particularly atrocious as are the lame visual effects. Stelvio Cipriani’s score is a synthmare (which I normally appreciate) but sounds awfully familiar. It may be made up outtakes from other better film scores.

One reason to check out this mess is for all the great actors on hand. Anne “Chiseled Cheekbones” Heywood of The Killer Is On the Phone is great as the exasperated mother of the daughter of Satan. Heywood is always good for some Joan Collins level silliness and this film is no exception. Dig on her rocker makeup for the big final ceremony. Valentina Cortese of Juliet of the Spirits and Irene Papas of Oasis of Fear are pretty great and do a fine job in this terrible flick. John Phillip Law and Marisa Mell of Diabolik? What the hell? Were they bored that year or something? The insanely beautiful Paola Tedesco of Watch Me When I Kill is here as well but I wish she wasn’t. Tedesco, who hasn’t acted since the early 80s, is totally underused in this film.

Lara Wendel would show up for a grisly death scene in Tenebre a few years after this nightmare. She would even get starring roles in Umberto Lenzi’s wacko Ghosthouse and the completely ridiculous Joe D’Amato-produced Zombie 5: Killing Birds. In Satan’s Wife, Wendel has some pretty cool moments but mostly this child of the devil doesn’t act very evil. Daria just seems like a smug teenage jerk who is obsessed with dolls and occasionally talks directly to the camera. The potential is there for a really creepy performance but Pier Capri’s confused script just isn’t up to the task.

It’s impossible not to be a little underwhelmed and/or insulted by Satan’s Wife but if you’re like me, you’ll ignore the bad reviews and watch this sleazy crap anyway. Pier Carpi’s film is a bottom of the barrel Exorcist/Omen-clone but it does feature some unintentional comedy from the terrible dialogue, pitiful overacting, and wacky opening dance number. Pretty much everyone involved (except the director/writer) has done better work elsewhere. There are some interesting elements like how all of Carlotta’s old satanic buddies’ lives are destroyed because of their alliance to the dark lord. Hey, you know what? This film features a chess analogy! Okay, okay, don’t watch this one.

“Where did you get my sword? I told you never to go near that cupboard!”

Doomed Moviethon

Horror and Cult Movie Reviews for the Casual Insomniac

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