Italian horror

Red Riding Hood

redridinghood

Red Riding Hood (2003)

After the death of her politician father and subsequent abandonment by her mother, 12 year old Jenny (Susanna Satta) feels that it is imperative that the guilty are punished because God forgets their sins (no matter how miniscule) too easily. With the help of her mysterious friend, George, Jenny begins terrorizing Rome by punishing sinners with deadly justice. All is going well for Jenny until her grandmother, Rose (Kathleen Archebald), comes to take Jenny back to New York with her. Jenny imprisons Rose in her apartment so that she won’t interfere with her plans to confess her love for her tutor, Tom (Roberto Purvis). When Tom starts to suspect that something is terribly wrong with Jenny, he tries to stop her and George’s killing spree before he himself becomes a victim.

For a first time director, I have to compliment Giacomo Cimini. Although flawed, Red Riding Hood is a fine first feature and shows great promise. Some of the credit goes to one of the films co-cinematographers, Sergio Salvati (Fulci’s The Beyond and The Black Cat), who manages to add some of the old school Italian horror flair to the filming. The script and the plot are well done and become especially tense in the final act.

The role of Jenny is a difficult one and is handled fairly well by the young Susanna Satta. Unfortunately, many of her lines are delivered too mechanically. But to Satta’s credit, she portrays an evil little girl perfectly and has great control over her expressions and the physical aspects of her screen presence. This was a tough first film role for her and I’m interested to see what she’ll do next.

Kathleen Archebald is very good as Rose who suffers a great deal of torment from her twisted granddaughter. The actor I’m least impressed with is Roberto Purvis. The character of Tom isn’t developed well in the script and isn’t given much depth by Purvis until his last few moments of screen time.

The music of the film is creative but distracting. It is some merry sounding business with lyrics that seem to refer to the plot but overall just doesn’t work in the film. The incidental music is fine but this jaunty theme keeps coming back. Some upbeat music would have been perfect for many of the strange scenes in the movie but the filmmakers have made a poor choice here.

Jenny’s companion through much of the film is George, a mysterious figure in a black jumpsuit, red galoshes, black cloak, and a white wolfish mask. George looks pretty silly and just isn’t creepy at all. My last complaint is about the film’s pacing. It slows down a little in the middle but not for too long. Just long enough for a viewer to wonder when the film is coming to an end.

Okay, enough griping, why is this film worth seeing? For one thing, the murders are very cool and bloody. The effects aren’t over the top or disgusting but a couple of them are inventive and memorable. The movie has some very twisted humor in it that will appeal to horror fans. And finally, this film is just plain nuts. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie this odd in a while.

Red Riding Hood is a likeable flick with some very strange elements thrown in to keep it from being just another slasher. The setting of Rome and the Italian crew give this film just a hint of Giallo, which is always pleasant. Despite a couple of flaws (some wooden delivery from a couple of the actors and George’s costume), I had a great time watching this. Prepare to be weirded out and enjoy the show.

The Sweet House of Horrors

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The Sweet House of Horrors (1989)

After their parents are brutally murdered by a burglar, Marco (Giuliano Gensini) and Sarah (Ilary Blasi) are put in the care of their Aunt Marcia (Cinzia Monreale) and Uncle Carlo (Jean-Christophe Brétigniere). While their Aunt and Uncle are waiting for the children’s home to sell, Marco and Sarah are contacted by the ghosts of their dead parents who don’t want the children to leave. Once they witness some supernatural phenomenon for themselves and begin fearing for the children’s safety, Marcia and Carlo hire an exorcist to cleanse the house of evil spirits.

Along with House of Clocks, Lucio Fulci directed The Sweet House of Horrors for Italian television. After reading a very negative review of this film several years ago, I put it on the imaginary “oh well, I’ll never watch that one” shelf. Well, after Doomed Fulci-Thon, I say all bets are off, people. It’s time for me to buckle down and watch every dang thing that the “Godfather of Gore” ever directed.

Here’s the paragraph where I slam the film. The writing is quite confusing and lame. Some of the comedy works but the backhoe scene is unspeakably stupid. Here’s another script featuring characters speaking their painfully obvious thoughts out loud for the audience‘s sake. The subplot with the burglar’s comeuppance is okay but seems more like an afterthought. There is a plethora of cheesy and mostly embarrassing optical effects if you’re into that kind of thing. Most annoying though, is the film’s terrible English dubbing rendering most of the characters even dumber than their dialogue.

And now I must praise the film. There is some attention-grabbing gore in the first few minutes and a couple more gruesome moments later in the film that were excellent. The lighting, Sebastiano Celeste’s camerawork (fisheye lens and soft focus!), and the set design are all surprising good for an Italian television production. Most importantly, a clearly inspired Fulci establishes a very bizarre and often creepy atmosphere that holds up throughout most of the film.

The lovely Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond and Beyond the Darkness graces us with her presence. The kids, Ilary Blasi and Giuliano Gensini, aren’t terrible child actors by any means but when they’re voiced by adults pretending to be children, things get ugly. The most bizarre casting has to be the Abraham Lincoln lookalike in a turtleneck (French actor Vernon Dobtcheff) as the Russian (who speaks German) exorcist.

Once again, I’ve done myself a disservice by avoiding a Fulci film based on a poor review I barely even remember reading. Without a doubt, The Sweet House of Horrors has its problems but it’s definitely a watchable title. There’s a lot to like here especially for Fulci completists like myself. As my standards have been severely lowered by Door to Silence, I’m probably not the most reliable reviewer of this stuff anymore. Shocked? Me neither. But I know one thing… I do loves me a séance sequence! I can’t wait to watch this again.

“Don’t believe him. Grownups are all liars.”

Night of the Devils

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Night of the Devils (1972)

A man suffering from amnesia (Gianni Garko) staggers out of the woods, injured, and catatonic. He is brought to a hospital where a doctor (Umberto Raho) runs tests which determine the man has suffered a terrible shock that has reduced him to this agitated and paranoid state. The only person who can identify this man is Sdenka (Agostina Belli), a lovely young woman who claims she met the patient a just few days ago. She identifies him as Nicola, a business man from Italy, but then disappears after the very sight of her drives Nicola into a frenzy.

The film then flashes back to a few days before to the events that drove Nicola mad. While purchasing lumber for his company, Nicola’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he seeks help from a family returning from a funeral and living in a nearly abandoned village in the woods. Jovan (played by Roberto Maldera) agrees to help Nicola but it must be in the morning because there is said to be a blood-drinking witch who prowls around at night. This turns out to be true when the patriarch Gorca (Bill Vanders) returns from attempting to kill the witch but is now a vampire himself. As each member of the family falls prey to vampiric forces, Nicola tries to rescue the lovely Sdenka, the lovely daughter of Gorca with whom he has fallen in love with.

Night of the Devils kicks in with one of the most attention-grabbing opening scenes in Italian horror. Gianni Garko (or Sartana to you spaghetti western types) comes stumbling out of the woods into a clearing. He passes out near a stream and wakes up in a hospital where he is being examined by doctors. During his tests, we see into his mind where he is tormented by horrific visions of rotting corpses, a woman’s face getting shot off, ghoulish figures ripping the flesh from a naked woman’s body. This sequence is spell-binding. Its cheesy for sure but it is impossible not to wonder just what happened to this guy. Curiosity = piqued? You know it.

Director Giorgio Feroni (Mill of the Stone Women) remakes the ‘Wurdulak’ segment of Mario Bava’s Black Sabbath but makes it his own by amping up the sex, the gore, and the cackling madness of the vampires. The soundtrack by Giorgio Gaslini (So Sweet, So Dead) is great with its haunting vocal pieces and tense and minimal freakouts. Spanish cinematographer, Manuel Berenguer, keeps things nice and claustrophobic. While the countryside is nice, it is never pretty. Instead, the entire film is very somber and cast in shadows (without being overly dark). When there is a brightly lit scene, it screams danger and madness. If I have to find faults with this flick then it would be that the pacing is a little slow and the gore effects are looking a bit gamy.

Oh, this cast is great. Gianni Garko is always good. The lovely Agostina Belli of Holocaust 2000 and Scream of the Demon Lover is excellent as the sweet (or possibly evil) Sdenka. You might remember Roberto Maldera from The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave where he played the very unlucky groundskeeper. The luscious and hypnotic Teresa Gimpera of Crypt of the Living Dead gets ripped to shreds in this one (and it’s not by the critics). The always dependable Umberto Raho who usually plays police inspectors gets to flash his skillz by playing a doctor! And then there’s Maria Monti as ‘The Witch’. This is a truly eerie performance from an underused actress who had a small role in What Have You Done to Solange? I also have to mention young Cinzia De Carolis who grew up and played the freaky jailbait who tries to seduce John Saxon in Cannibal Apocalypse.

Night of the Devils is one of those forgotten masterpieces and a genuinely gore-soaked relic. This is the kind of cinema that drives me nerdily on. This film proves that if you think you’ve seen every last scrap of Italian junk, chances are there is one more title out there you need to see. Creepy, sleazy, bloody, melodramatic, nasty, and, as an added bonus: mind-fucky! The somber tone never lets up for a second and you just know that this ain’t gonna end well for our deranged hero. This is good stuff, y’all.

“Television? Now that’s something I’ve never seen!”

Plot of Fear

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Plot of Fear (1976)

A sudden series of brutal homicides baffles police but the obsessive Inspector Gaspare Lomenzo (Michele Placido) is determined to catch the killer. The inspector also has to compete with Pietro Riccio (Eli Wallach), the head of a private detective agency who always seems to be one step ahead of his investigation. The only pattern for the crimes is that all of the victims were members of an exclusive sex club called The Fauna Lovers led by eccentric author Hoffmann (played by John Steiner). Inspector Lomenzo falls for Jeanne (Corinne Clery), a beautiful model who just happens to be involved with this club. She witnessed the accidental death of Rosa, a hooker who may be the key to cracking the case.

Paolo Cavara, you amaze me. After the excellent Black Belly of the Tarantula, director Cavara comes back with a vengeance with Plot of Fear. Whoa, dig that abrasive and frightening music score by Daniele Patucchi (Deep River Savages)! One has to assume that Patucchi is also responsible for those horrid disco numbers as well. Wow. The prolific cinematographer, Franco Di Giacomo, responsible for other Gialli such as Who Saw Her Die? and Four Flies on Grey Velvet, shines once again with his versatility. Whether it’s a gritty and hooker-filled police station or a fog-enshrouded stretch of highway, the man has a beautiful eye.

Michele Placido’s performance as Inspector Gaspare Lomenzo has instantly become one of my favorites in all of the Giallo genre. Lomenzo is hotheaded, high strung, egocentric, and yet is a totally brilliant detective. The beautiful Corinne Clery (Hitchhike, The Devil’s Honey) is excellent as Jeanne, the girl of questionable morals that Lomenzo falls for despite her involvement with the case. Eli Wallach (though hideously dubbed) is very good as the scheming and suspicious Pietro Riccio. An inexplicable American actor cameo in this film comes from Tom Skerritt (also dubbed) who does little more than wave his arms around in frustration. Last but not least, one of Italian genre flicks’ elite, John Steiner of Tenebre and Mario Bava’s Shock, delivers another fine performance.

Giallo fans will be quite pleased with this film as it has plenty of plot twists, a few brutal death scenes (immolation!), odious 70s fashion, garish set designs, beautiful ladies, sleazy sex, J&B sightings, and a slew of politically incorrect moments. Plot of Fear also sports a pretty dismal view of the world with its bleak snapshots of urban life and its rather sickening portrayal of the decadent wealthy. Sounds like fun, eh? Don’t worry, the addition of some dry comedy and a fast-paced, entertaining mystery keep this one from getting too serious.

“Criminals want to get caught. It’s a macabre invitation to a treasure hunt.”

The Long Hair of Death

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The Long Hair of Death (1964)

As noblemen, Count Humboldt and his son Kurt Humboldt (played by George Ardisson), burn a witch at the stake, she places a curse upon them. The witch’s daughter, Helen Karnstein (Barbara Steele), vows to make sure that curse is carried out but she is soon put to death. Her younger sister, Elizabeth (Halina Zalewska), survives and years later, is forced to marry Kurt Humboldt. One night, during a thunderstorm, Helen Karnstein’s grave is struck by lightning and a mysterious woman named Mary (also Barbara Steele) appears at the castle. Kurt is immediately smitten with Mary and takes her as a mistress not suspecting that she might have a little something to do with a certain curse that was placed upon him.

Director Antonio Margheriti, the man responsible for Castle of Blood, Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye, and Cannibal Apocalypse, brings us this gothic chiller. The plot isn’t anything spectacular and the dialogue is pretty standard. However, the ending ties everything together very nicely and the film’s atmosphere is pregnant with dread. Ah, I’ve always wanted to say that. I love the music score though it is pretty generic. Composer Carlo Rustichelli hits all the right cues with either the scary strings or the eerie organ. There’s also a bounty of excellent castle locations and detailed gothic sets which add to the creepy mood.

This film features more of that wonderful Italian cinematography that drives me absolutely bonkers (in a good way). The amazing Riccardo Pallottini (The Killer Must Kill Again, Massacre Time) lensed this one and I am astounded by his ability to create such stark compositions in black and white. The scene where Kurt Humboldt walks through the town square towards Elizabeth’s tomb is brilliantly framed and almost dizzyingly detailed. It reminds me of some of Joe D’Amato’s camerawork in Death Smiled at Murder.

Two lovely ladies, Barbara Steele and Halina Zalewska, lead the charge in this Italian goth-assault. As usual, Steele’s presence steels the show but Halina Zalewska is certainly no slouch. It’s a shame that Zalewska did little more than supporting roles for the rest of her career. When Steele, as Helen Karnstein, visits the spot where her mother was burned alive and raises a fistful of her ashes to the sky…Oh, I get chills. Then you got scenery-chomper, George Ardisson (Django Defies Sartana). Oh man, this guy is intense.

The Long Hair of Death has one major problem: it draaaaaaags in its middle section. A plague that strikes the kingdom and the machinations of the noblemen will stretch any attention span to the breaking point. The fine pacing of the first 40 minutes hits this lull and it takes a little while before the film’s climax lifts us out of the muck. On the plus side, keep an eye out for the really nasty looking corpse (shown in odious detail) and the not-so-subtly implied necrophilia. Aw yeah! Barbara Steele fans, if you enjoyed The Faceless Monster, The Ghost, or Terror Creatures from the Grave, you’ll dig on this one.

“She’s the cause of all our trouble. I curse the shrew that brought her into this castle of hell.”

Killer Nun

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Killer Nun (1979)

After her recent brain surgery, Sister Gertrude (Anita Ekberg) is having some trouble readjusting to her life as a nun serving in a geriatric hospital. It seems that the surgery has left her with terrible headaches, a wicked addiction to morphine, and a propensity for casual sexual encounters in the city. When patients start turning up dead and Sister Gertrude’s behavior becomes even more erratic, the staff and surviving patients begin to suspect the worst. With only the unrequited love of Sister Mathieu (Paola Morra) to protect her from herself, Sister Gertrude’s life begins to spin completely out of control. But is she really capable of murder?

Hey there, Sister Gertrude! Why do all the boys pass you by? Is it because you’re a track mark-laden nymphomaniacal Killer Nun!?! What the damn hell did I just watch? As entertaining (for me) as it is mystifying (for everyone else), it’s not surprising that this film has had a hell of a time finding an audience that can appreciate its… um… specialness. Truly a love-hate experience, Killer Nun comes from co-writer/director Giulio Berruti (editor of Corrado Farina’s Baba Yaga) who never directed another feature film. Go figure.

The plot is a coin toss of scenes thrown together with an ultra-thin mystery going on in the background. That’s not to say that Killer Nun isn’t smarter than it looks. Not when there is some seriously twisted religious imagery mixed into all that sweet exploitation to be found here. Killer Nun has a thoroughly strange film score comes from Alessandro Alessandroni, composer for films such as The Devil’s Nightmare and Any Gun Can Play.

Anita Ekberg (Death Knocks Twice, French Sex Murders) friggin’ rocks as Sister Gertrude, a woman torn between her religious conviction, her morphine habit, and her insatiable sexual desires. A highlight in Killer Nun is the dizzyingly hot Paola Morra as Sister Mathieu. I may never, ever stop drooling. The excellent Massimo Serato (Autopsy, The Bloodstained Shadow) doesn’t get nearly enough to do here as Dr. Poirret, a man whose career is going completely to pot as the hospital seems to be self-destructing around him. And yes, that’s Joe Dallesandro of Blood For Dracula in one of his greatest appearances due to fact that he’s been dubbed by another actor! Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Alida Galli (Suspiria, Lisa and the Devil) as Mother Superior, who is more annoyed than concerned with Sister Gertrude’s problems.

Killer Nun is a cursed beast trapped somewhere between giallo and nunsploitation and will likely annoy fans of both. The film’s positives barely outweigh its negatives; yet, in some strange way, Killer Nun thoroughly entertained me. Although bloodshed is relatively low, the brutality of the murders is impressive and the seediness of the sex scenes will ultimately impress the rogues’ gallery. Not to mention the bizarre moments of cruelty such as kicking a crippled man to death and stomping an old woman’s dentures to pieces in front of her. Good times! Folks who dig blasphemous Italian garbage should check this one out but please, whatever you do, don’t expect a Eurotrash classic.

“I need more… Morphine!”

Zeder

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Zeder AKA Revenge of the Dead (1983)

After receiving a used typewriter for an anniversary present, Stefano (Gabriele Lavia) discovers a bizarre treatise on raising the dead imprinted on the ribbon. He convinces his wife, Alessandra (Anne Canovas), and his best friend, Guido (Alessandro Partexano), to aid him in his search for the “K Zones”, areas where the dead return to life. Meanwhile, a group of scientists are conducting their own research in this phenomenon with deadly results. As Stefano gets closer to finding the truth, he uncovers a conspiracy which someone is willing to kill in order to keep hidden.

Pupi Avati (The House with the Laughing Windows) directs this superb and very odd little horror film. The eccentricities of Zeder come mainly from how the film never really moves when and in what direction you expect it to. Even the brilliant (though wholly bizarre) soundtrack by Riz Ortolani (Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye) defies expectations by laying out a Goblin-like bass riff that gives way to a seriously maladjusted string arrangement.

The plot gets shaky as the scenes with the scientists don’t quite gel with those of Stefano. I think the problem lies in the amount of mystery surrounding their research. I’m glad the film doesn’t go too far explaining every little detail but I’m just left wanting more. I like it when movies do that.

Gabriele Lavia (Deep Red, Beyond the Door) plays Stefano, another one of Avati’s damned heroes (see Laughing Windows), perfectly. It is amazing to watch Lavia as Stefano, this obsessive character who becomes intrigued by a mystery only to be totally consumed by it. Another doomed individual is Dr. Goodman, played by Paola Tanziani, whose contact with the undead left her physically and emotionally scarred. I really dig this actress and it astounds me that didn’t make anymore films after this one.

Wow, Zeder has slowly crawled its way into my top ten favorite Italian horror films of all time. I rented this film under the misleading Revenge of the Dead title at my local video store when I was a kid and it really didn’t sit well with me. Aside from disappointment of the zombie onslaught the VHS cover art promised, I was genuinely creeped out by this one. Zeder managed to stay with me years after watching it. The idea that death is a patient creature willing to let you sprint ahead only to catch you the moment you collapse combined with its amusement at humankind’s futile attempts to escape the inevitable is some dang creepy shit.

What we’ve got here is Zeder, an atypical zombie film. Sure, there’s a couple of undead creatures wreaking havoc in Bologna but don’t expect any brain-eating, flesh-eating, or gunshots to the head. Like I said before, this film does not behave in a normal horror movie manner but that is exactly what makes it so awesome. Patient viewers will be rewarded with a sense of dread that only the Italians know how to deliver. Nice job, Pupi.

Crypt of the Vampire

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Crypt of the Vampire (1964)

Young women are being drained of their blood and all signs point to the Karnstein family. Count Ludwig Karnstein (Christopher Lee) enlists the help of historian Friedrich Klauss (José Campos) to explore his lineage. Klauss finds out that one of Ludwig’s ancestors was executed for witchcraft but not before she placed a curse on the family line. Ludwig’s daughter Laura (Adriana Ambesi) believes that she is possessed by the witch and is developing a taste for the red stuff.

Annette (Véra Valmont), the count’s mistress, knows that something is wrong with Laura. She is also suspicious of Laura’s new friend, Annette (Ursula Davis), who arrived under mysterious circumstances and has been at Laura’s side ever since. The family’s maid, Rowena (Nela Conjiu), thinks she’s helping the Karnstein clan with her black magic rituals but people keep dying despite her appeals to the dark lord.

Camillo Mastrocinque (who directed Barbara Steele in An Angel for Satan) delivers an effective and enjoyable though not entirely original gothic horror film. The convoluted story from prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi (The Whip and the Body) has its chilling moments and takes inspiration from the classic horror story Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The dialogue is predictable and hampered by the awkward dubbing. There is also some totally unnecessary narration which is abandoned very quickly (thanks). What Crypt of the Vampire does have going for it is good pacing and superbly eerie sets and locations.

Christopher Lee (who thankfully dubbed his own voice) is quite good in Crypt but that’s no surprise as the man rarely disappoints. I really, really liked Adriana Ambesi as Laura whose flimsy nightgown threatens to explode throughout the nighttime scenes. Her dumbass black magic schemes led by her scary maid are pretty amusing. How about next time we DON’T invoke the spirit of a witch to possess anyone, okay?

Véra Valmont, who plays Count Ludwig’s lover Annette, is very arresting. She goes all out with the terror faces and I wish that she had done more horror movies. José Campos is a little bland as Friedrich, the heroic (?) genealogist. Luckily, Lee is around to keep the appropriate levels of badass dude in a smoking jacket right where they need to be.

With its cheesy Sunday afternoon horror thrills (and some wild-eyed and voluptuous ladies), Crypt of the Vampire is a whole lot of fun. There’s melodrama, mysterious manuscripts, and some gruesome business involving the severed hand of a hunchbacked beggar. This would make a terrific double feature with either Alberto De Martino’s The Blancheville Monster or the sleepy Barbara Steele vehicle: Terror Creatures from the Grave.

“I must kill you. That was my promise. I must kill you.”

Emanuelle’s Revenge

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Emanuelle’s Revenge (1975)

Carlo (George Eastman) is a scumbag actor who is using his girlfriend Françoise (Patrizia Gori) like a prostitute. He uses her body to pay off gambling debts and to get parts in films until he gets bored and dumps her. Françoise is heartbroken and throws herself in front of a train. When her sister, Emanuelle (Rosemarie Lindt), finds out, she seduces Carlo and then kidnaps him. Instead of killing him, Emanuelle forces him to watch her bizarre sex games. Carlo thinks this is his fate, to watch forever until thirst (or horniness) gets the best of him. That is until Emanuelle reveals the final and most demented part of her plan of vengeance.

We enter the twisted world of director/cinematographer Joe D’Amato (Anthropophagus) once again to find that he has double-dipped us into sleazy sauce with Emanuelle’s Revenge. Psychosexual torture, anyone? As usual, D’Amato’s camerawork is sumptuous and the almost blindingly bright lighting is near perfect. While the plot is pretty clunky and painfully simple, this film still manages to entertain. And thankfully, it takes a detour into horror with a sweet hallucinatory sequence full of blood, violence, and cannibalism. Thank you, Joe.

The not-so-gentle giant, George Eastman (Rabid Dogs, Baba Yaga), plays another piece of shit frighteningly well. I really love Rosemarie Lindt’s performance as Emanuelle. Lindt manages to portray a woman whose mission of vengeance is wearing her down and is making her careless. Did someone say depressing? Wow, Patrizia Gori is fantastic as the doomed Françoise. While it is impossible to feel too much pity for someone who is throwing their life away (literally) for a destructive relationship, I couldn’t help but feel twinges of pain for her. That’s right, this softcore trash made me a little misty. What of it?

I must say that when a movie makes you feel this dirty, it has to be good. While nowhere near my favorite of Joe D’Amato’s efforts (try Death Smiled at Murder instead), Emanuelle’s Revenge definitely has its plusses. Like any Euro-sleaze worth its salt, this film has the required amount of J&B, cool cars, a brazenly funky film score, scuzzy sex scenes, and even a cameo by Italian genre cinema regular (and my hero), Luciano Rossi. As far as erotic thrillers go, you could certainly do worse.

Church, The

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The Church (1989)

Sometime in the 12th century, a group of Teutonic knights slaughtered a group of Pagans thinking them to plagued by a Satanic curse. A church was built on top of the site of the massacre. 800 years later, Evan the librarian (Tomas Arana) uncovers an ancient document that details a horrifying incident which inspired the design of the church. The closer Evan gets to uncovering the truth, the more bizarre and horrifying events begin to take place. When blood is shed inside the church, an automatic locking system traps everyone inside. Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie) tries to do his best to find the secret of the church’s architect in order to destroy the demonic plague before it spreads outside the church and destroys the world.

Michele Soavi (Stagefright) directs The Church AKA La Chiesa, an exercise in unholy atmosphere and gory entertainments. Visually, this film is nearly perfect: the razor-sharp cinematography, moody lighting, and must-be-seen-to-be-believed setpieces all come together in a dizzying explosion of hot and goopy damnation. The soundtrack provided by Keith Emerson, Philip Glass, Fabio Pignatelli, and Goblin is fantastic without a trace of any inappropriate heavy metal or silly pop.

Where the film goes wrong is in the writing. There are 8 or so writing credits (some credited, some not) heaped on The Church and you can really tell. This is one confusing film with many, many unanswered questions. The best unintentionally hilarious moment comes when Barbara Cupisti’s character calls the police from her (seemingly remote) cabin and their response time is around 30 seconds. Those viewers who need to understand what they’re watching will want to avoid this film. Oh, and the English dubbing. Holy crow, there are some awful voices and performances in this one.

TV and film actor, Hugh Quarshie, is excellent as Father Gus but where’s the dang character development? It’s pretty obvious that he’s the hero of the story once Evan the librarian goes south but the film could have easily devoted some time to giving some background to what drives Father Gus. Put Tomas Arana (Body Puzzle) on the list of actors that I don’t trust. Seriously, this guy is really creepy and I really hope he gets some more starring roles in horror films.

The Church sports quite a familiar faces from the Italian horror world. With an unforgettably menacing visage, Feodor Chaliapin Jr. (Dario Argento’s Inferno) is great as the creepy bishop. The queen of the overbites, Barbara Cupisti (Stagefright), plays Lisa, a young woman working at restoring the church’s frescos. The lovely and criminally underused actress Antonella Vitale gets all messed up in her role as “Bridal Model”. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for even more Italian horror awesomeness: John Richardson of Fear, Giovanni Radice of House On The Edge Of The Park, and of course, Asia Argento of The Stendhal Syndrome and Trauma.

The Church is a visually stunning film with a seriously battered and neglected script. The plot trails off several times and the WTF? factor is quite high throughout the running time. Thanks to Dario Argento’s producer credit, this film is quite lavish when compared to much of the late 80s Italian horror output. (Note: Supposedly, Dario Argento imposed some cuts to the film against Soavi’s wishes which might explain much of the film’s confusing narrative.) Also, you’ll have a tough time trying to find a film with as much blasphemy, perversion, and gore as The Church. The extremely talented Soavi went on to do even more amazing films such as The Sect and Cemetery Man before spending time directing made-for-TV action and drama films. We should all collectively pray that he returns to horror very soon.

“C’mon, have a biscuit! They’re groovy!”