1980s horror

Slaughterhouse Rock

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of Native American medicine men. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead

More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead (2011)

For personal reasons, Return of the Living Dead disturbs me greatly but I still love it. More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead is a documentary on the making of the classic and influential 1985 zombie punk rock splatterfest. The documentary is also therapeutic and a proven psychiatric tool for me because it helped me to first realize and then to conquer my fears of ROTLD.

This documentary is a charming, funny, and nostalgic look at the production with outrageous and sometimes painful stories from the cast and crew. The hilarious true story surrounding Linnea Quigley’s genital-obscuring latex plug (their term, not mine) alone is worth the price of admission. More Brains! also has a huge amount of production stills and home video taken on the set which really gives one the feel for what it was like to be a part of the making of the film.

If you love Return of the Living Dead, if you hate Return of the Living Dead, or if you’ve never even seen Return of the Living Dead, this documentary will still be fascinating for you. This is one of the most comprehensive documentaries on a film I’ve ever seen and I think the DVD is absolutely essential for fans of the film. My therapist says that More Brains! is responsible for all the progress I’ve made in the last few days and that he refuses to accept any more of my money. Now that is one powerful documentary.

Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell

Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell (1987)

Two zombies walk into a movie theater- stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Hey gang, Mad Ron (Ron Roccia) is chained to the projector and is playing all of his favorite horror trailers! So sit back and enjoy the show. Our hosts Nick Pawlow and his zombie pal Happy Goldsplatt, are here with some ghastly jokes and ghoulish quips -uh oh- what’s that? It seems like those two zombies brought along their undead pals and things are getting out of control. Um, maybe you shouldn’t sit back too far, the ghouls in the back row aren’t content with their bloody popcorn anymore.

This movie makes me so angry! Where the hell was Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell when I needed it the most? I was 11 years old when this hit VHS and I realize that missing out on it stunted my horror growth. This compilation of trailers with its cheesy hosts and gory goofiness plus my steady diet of junk food and thrash metal could have made me into a horror man instead of the horror boy that I am today.

The collection of trailers here are perfect for a sleazy good time. Selections like the standard Texas Chainsaw Massacre are here alongside the more obscure picks like (the “stomach shocker of your life”) The Ghastly Ones, The Diabolical Doctor Z, and Mad Doctor of Blood Island. Of course, Lady Frankenstein is here which is always good for a devious grin and oh man, the trailer for Love Me Deadly is a dang riot. Also, the trailer for the double feature, I Drink Your Blood/I Eat Your Skin, is here and it is simply perfect.

The only thing that got on my nerves are the inclusion of Man from Deep River featuring real animal violence and Africa – Blood and Guts which features real human and animal violence. I know a lot of horror folks don’t bat an eyelash at these things but I personally count them as a detraction from the entertainment value of Prevues from Hell. Who is a wet blanket? Me!

So if you like your trailers wet and sloppy, then check this out. The interruptions from the hosts are pretty amusing (in a kitschy eye-rolling, ironic knee-slapping kind of way) and they come bearing gifts: dozens of classic trailers, gory setpieces, and goofy zombie antics. Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell is a perfect party favor when you have some fiends over with short attention spans and a lust for trash.

Ghost Ballroom

Ghost Ballroom (1989)

Okay, let me try and do this as painlessly as possible. Mei is a prostitute junkie who owes her employer and lover, Master Condon, a great deal of money. Condon and his cronies throw her out of her apartment window and she dies. When she shows up and starts making some serious supernatural trouble for her killers, Condon hires a monk to get rid of Mei’s spirit. Knowing that she can’t do it alone, Mei approaches her living friends to help her gain the strength to take her revenge on Condon.

The kooky circus/pop opening credit music should have been enough to tip me off to what I was in for when Netflix sent me Ghost Ballroom. The plot is as dumb as a bag of rocks and the tone is all over the place. Director Wilson Tong tries to blend gritty urban drama, comedy, horror, kung-fu, and magic in one film and he almost pulls it off. The biggest problem is that Ghost Ballroom is so spastic that it never develops any of its characters. There is no main character to follow. Instead of 2 or 3 leads, this film has 5 or 6 main people who are never painted in anything more than a superficial light. All of the characters are hookers, drug dealers, gamblers, gangsters, junkies, etc. so it’s kind of tough to find anyone to relate to.

Where Ghost Ballroom does succeed is in its energy. Once it gets going, the pace never lets up. For the benefit of the Western viewer, there are multiple moments lost in translation that are worth a laugh or two. There are also some genuinely funny parts (some clever, some straight out of the gutter) but the tone problems I mentioned make it difficult to really enjoy them. The horror and magic sequences are cool enough but are usually pretty weak and the sleazy sex is kept to a minimum as well. Had director Tong pushed the envelope in either direction, this film might make a little more sense, entertainmentally (is that a real word?) speaking. It’s not the worst I’ve seen from that wild planet called Hong Kong but it certainly could have been much, much better.

Hollywood’s New Blood

Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)

An actors’ seminar at a remote house in the woods is interrupted by a series of murders. Legend has it that many years ago, a movie crew got drunk and accidentally blew up a house belonging to the Glouster family. The bodies of the three brothers, Emil, Jeb, and Lou were never recovered. That’s because they weren’t really killed. No, no, no, no, no, NOOOOO, it’s not true. The Glouster boys just got burned real bad and now they are killing the actors one by one.

Sometimes when a store is liquidating their VHS stock, people get hurt. I am one of those people. Hollywood’s New Blood may have cost me only a dollar on that fateful day but what I was really losing was much, much more. My sanity, my dignity, the respect of my wife, and even my ability to have children (lawsuit pending) were all things I lost when I sat down to watch this monotonous slab of death-cheese.

Director James Shyman, in league with the devil, brings us 10 minutes of plot in a 77 minute film. Thanks, fucker. Punctuating nearly every line of dialogue are endless shots of the forest. The editor (some joker from L.A. Video-Grams) is brilliant. One of his finest juxtapositions comes when he superimposes the image of one of the actors roasting marshmallows with that of the burned face of one of the Glouster brothers. That shit is chilling, yo.

Okay, so what else is wrong with Hollywood’s New Blood? Well, I’ll tell you! There are inappropriate and totally unnecessary jungle sound effects for the forest. Is this the most generic musical score ever composed for a horror film or is it a keyboard factory farting and dying? I can’t decide. The makeup effects are pitiful with the un-menacing Glouster boys shuffling around in hobo clothes with paint and strips of latex hanging off their faces.

Instead of sending the actors to a real acting seminar, Shyman decides to put these incompetent fools in a movie together. This ensemble cast really comes into their own when they are all sitting on the couch and staring at the fire. Our hero, Brett Standish (played by Bobby Johnston), is a real stick in the mud with his little ghost stories but don’t worry, he’s gonna save the day after almost everyone is already dead. Brett is also really dreamy with that hot mullet of his. Why did it take Liz so long to fall for this super-hunk?

The final needle this movie jabs into my eyes is a clip show at the end. Because Hollywood’s New Blood obviously did not make the required amount of footage for a full feature, the fuckers in the editing room completely recap the whole dang thing after the story ends. For the next ten minutes, I am treated to the theme music of Hollywood’s New Blood (lyrics below) and a quick run through of scenes, both major and minor (they’re all minor), that I may have missed (or slept through). If anyone is reading this, I implore you, please don’t watch this movie.

“The dishes are dry. Why don’t we get wet?”

Lyrics to the Hollywood’s New Blood theme:

Yes
Hollywood bows to the flood of new blood
The new blood won’t survive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood stays alive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood

 

Death Warmed Up

Death Warmed Up (1984)

In order to continue his morally questionable experiments on prolonging human life, Dr. Archer Howell (Gary Day) decides to eliminate his colleague Dr. Tucker (David Weatherley). Dr. Howell brainwashes Dr. Tucker’s son Michael (Michael Hurst) into killing his parents with a shotgun. Michael is put into an insane asylum and after his release, seven years later, is looking to kill the mad doctor. He travels with a couple of friends to Dr. Howell’s huge island medical facility. It is here where Michael discovers that the mad doctor’s test subjects have become violent mutants that only Dr. Howell can control.

Okay, so now I think New Zealand is the weirdest place on Earth. This wonderfully cheesy, oddly disjointed, and completely manic sci-fi horror flick comes from director David Blyth (Red-Blooded American Girl). Death Warmed Up is an action-packed and splatter-filled romp through Kiwi country with great stunts, lots of wet gore, and plenty of imagination. The cinematography by James Bartle (The Quiet Earth) is excellent and the synthesizer-infused soundtrack fits the film perfectly. I can’t help but dig on those wild sets and fierce lighting schemes.

On the down side, the script leaves much to be desired as the dialogue is very silly and there are way too many confusing moments in the film. The loose ends and logic lapses make it feel like the movie was a 2 hour epic that someone sliced up. I’m not saying the film would be better with more footage. After all, one of the highlights of Death Warmed Up is its dizzying pace.

Although actor Michael Hurst’s intensity is appreciated, it reaches comic proportions in some points. And yes, his character, Michael, is written rather poorly. From his declaration of love for Sandy (Margaret Umbers) to his nihilistic ramblings at the end of the film, I’m just friggin’ lost. Also, if he is on a quest for bloody revenge against Dr. Howell, why the hell did he bring his girlfriend and another young couple along? Thank God for Spider (David Letch), his mutant rival, who is clear, concise, and deadly.

When I told my friend Nafa about this New Zealand-born horror film, he said “Oh, is Bruno Lawrence in it?” I laughed because it seems like the superbly talented Lawrence (The Quiet Earth, Utu) was in every flick from New Zealand until his death in 1995. Then, while writing this review, I noticed that Bruno Lawrence is indeed in Death Warmed Up. He plays Tex, one of the original mutants in Dr. Howell’s experiments but is almost completely unrecognizable. Yep, awesome.

When all is said and done, I found Death Warmed Up to be a lot of fun despite its downer ending and confusing story. The film is visually arresting, surprisingly gory, and determined to get your attention with its outlandishness. Wait, was Dr. Howell trying to cure death or was he trying to create an army of mind-controlled mutants? Your guess is as good as mine. Just beware of the sexy and evil Kiwi nurses, okay?

“I’ll get you! I’ll get you, bastards!”

Frankenstein 90

frankenstein90

Frankenstein 90 (1984)

Set in France’s near future, Victor Frankenstein (Jean Rochefort) is stealing body parts from the government lab where he works in order to complete his monster. With the help of a corrupt police inspector (Ged Marlon) he finally obtains the final body part he needs. Once he succeeds in bringing his monster named Frank (Eddy Mitchell) to life, he tries to teach him manners and how to behave in proper society.

Victor’s girlfriend, Elizabeth (Fiona Gélin), discovers what Victor has done and together they build Frank a mate named Adelaide (Herma Vos). But Frank isn’t satisfied with their creation and he goes on a rampage in the city, only to disappear afterwards. Victor, Elizabeth, and Adelaide travel to Castle Frankenstein in Germany with hopes to bring Frank back before he does any more damage.

This French horror comedy is as surprising as it is hilarious. Alain Jessua is a fine director and pays homage to the earlier Frankenstein films by poking fun at them wherever he can. The sets are intricate and the effects (although restrained) are superb. The movie is impeccably filmed with nearly flawless cinematography and good lighting.

The actors are all adept at comedy. The lovely Herma Vos is great as Adelaide, the spurned “bride of Frankenstein”. Jean Rochefort is unlike any Dr. Frankenstein I’ve ever seen. He’s more interested in teaching Frank proper table manners and how to drive than announcing his discovery to the scientific community.

Much of the film’s charm comes from Eddy Mitchell’s portrayal as Frank. Instead of a lumbering beast with bolts sticking out of his neck, this Frankenstein monster is just this really ugly French guy in blue jeans and a sweater. Despite having the capacity of a child, Frank is well-spoken and often bored with the world around him instead of intensely curious. It takes a fine comic actor to take this character where it goes and Mitchell does one hell of a job.

Frankenstein 90 twists the Frankenstein legend wherever it can. Much of the humor is subtle but breaks out into slapstick at the right (and usually totally unexpected) moments. This is definitely not a straight horror film with almost none of the heavy atmosphere one expects from Frankenstein films. The music is corny AM funk removing the last traces of seriousness from the whole affair.

I can’t help but recommend Frankenstein 90. Be warned, if you don’t like French style comedy, this may get under your skin. However, the humor here has a very dark tone and can get quite wicked in some places, so horror fans shouldn’t have to test their patience too much. This also has one of the most outlandish satirical endings I’ve ever seen delivered with such a deadpan expression.

Faceless

faceless

Faceless (1987)

Helmut Berger plays Dr. Frank Flamand, a plastic surgeon who will go to any lengths to help repair the scarred face of his sister, Ingrid. He is drugging and kidnapping women to find the perfect candidate for a facial transplant. His assistant, Nathalie (the stunning Brigitte Lahaie), and his henchman, Gordon, are willing to do anything to assist the good doctor in his scheme. When they kidnap an American fashion model named Barbara (played by Caroline Munro), her father (Savalas) hires a private eye named Sam (Mitchum) to find her. Dr. Frank manages to track down a Nazi doctor who is more than happy to perform the potentially deadly operation. Can detective Sam find Barbara and rescue her before she loses her face?

Wow, what an evil creature this is. Faceless is a sadistic tribute (Tribute? Remake? Parody? Whatever!) to Georges Franju’s Eyes Without A Face. It’s difficult to compare this gorefest with Franco’s earlier works. Clearly, he was trying to tap into the splatter trend of horror flicks of the 80s and I’m sure glad he did. Franco fills this wacky flick with cornball pop music, ludicrous characters, and opportunities for softcore lovin’ wherever he can.

The worst part about this movie, without a doubt, is Christopher Mitchum. He is the hammiest ham that ever hammed a ham and I can’t figure out how he got involved in the project. The part of Sam Morgan, private eye seems to have been written for a much older actor and Mitchum never even comes close to fitting the bill. The only scene where he seems at home is when he gets into a fistfight with the stereotypically gay fashion photographer’s muscle-bound bodyguard.

The kitschy quality of Faceless may put off some viewers. For instance, the cornball pop music that is interspersed throughout the film should produce mild hysterics or nausea. Luckily for Franco, the horrifying elements of the film are truly horrifying. Most of the special effects are very well done; although there is a certain rotting severed head that could have used a little more work. Dang, it looked good when it came off but now I’m not sure. Well, just throw some maggots on it. Perfect!

If you’re looking to get into the films of Jess Franco, then please choose another gateway such as Vampyros Lesbos or The Diabolical Doctor Z. Faceless is not very much like his other films although it has some traces of his style. Don’t expect a classic here but get ready to enjoy some nice Euro-cheese with several gory moments that you won’t soon forget. Plus anything with Brigitte Lahaie (Grapes Of Death) is worth watching. Right?

Wood Chipper Massacre

woodchippermassacre

Wood Chipper Massacre (1989)

When dad goes on a business trip, he leaves Aunt Tess (Patricia McBride) in charge of his three kids for the weekend. John (Jon McBride), the oldest, is doing some yard work and is using the woodchipper (heh heh heh) to take care of some dead branches. Denise (Denice Edeal), the middle kid, is more concerned with her crush on a boy than anything else. And Tom (Tom Casiello), the youngest, is eagerly awaiting his mail order survival knife.

Much to the three kids’ dismay, Aunt Tess turns out to be a total battleaxe. She tries to get the kids into shape by attacking how their father has raised them since their mother died. John and his siblings put up with her as best they can until Tom accidentally stabs Aunt Tess to death. The three decide to dispose of her body with the woodchipper. Everything is about to return back to normal when Aunt Tess’s deadbeat son, Kim (Kim Bailey) turns up looking for money to pay off his gambling debts.

I think every kid has accidentally stabbed an unpleasant relative to death and then shoved the body into a conveniently-placed woodchipper at least once in their lives. It’s a common “coming of age” moment that everyone can relate to. Well, maybe not but Woodchipper Massacre makes it all look so easy and so dang fun. Jon McBride (Cannibal Campout, Among Us) directs this very 80s shot-on-video horror film. The soundtrack is wildly silly, the gore effects are nearly nonexistent, the acting is strictly after school drama club (even the adults), and the budget is miniscule at best. However, Woodchipper Massacre has got a bizarre charm that is as hard to deny as it is to identify.

I can’t help but love the cast on this one. Denice Edeal and Tom Casiello both missed their calling on “You Can’t Do That On Television”. Edeal makes up for lack of experience on camera by shouting her lines and forcing her every facial expression to the breaking point. Awesome. Tom Casiello is the 80s Everykid (perhaps just a little more geeky) and is easily the one having the most fun on camera. Jon McBride plays eldest brother John pretty well but his mom, Patricia McBride, really steals the show. Aunt Tess is one of those unnerving characters that you just want to strangle the minute they open their mouths.

Woodchipper Massacre is quite entertaining with only a few missteps in the pacing. The film takes a little while to get going but the 80s vibe certainly saves it for me during these (thankfully) short stretches of awkwardness. While essentially free from gore and exploitation (other than the lurid title and bloody cover art), the film is actually funny and charming. The interaction of three “kids”, McBride, Edeal, and Casiello, helps add to the sitcom feel which actually makes the film an even stranger experience. I can’t get over the ballsiness of McBride and company to actually put a heartwarming and decidedly happy ending on this one.

“Call that little tramp and tell her to corrupt somebody else tonight!”

 

Evil Cat

evilcat

Evil Cat (1987)

A construction crew unwittingly frees an evil cat spirit when they move an ancient stone tablet. Master Cheung (Lau Kar-Leung), the descendant of the mystics sworn to fight the cat, shows up to try and destroy his enemy once and for all. Things look bad as the cat spirit invades the bodies of unsuspecting people, gives them supernatural strength, and then uses them for evil until it casts off their bodies in an explosive spray of body parts. Cheung enlists the help of loser limo driver Ah Long (Mark Cheng), whose boss was possessed and destroyed by the cat spirit, to help him put an end to the evil feline.

This is just what I needed! While it is far from a groundbreaking film or an essential Hong Kong genre classic, Evil Cat is perfect for shaking out the cobwebs. From director Dennis Yu (Beasts, The Imp) comes this wild and fun blend of supernatural horror, slapstick comedy, kung fu, and explosive action. Oh man, some of those stunts looked pretty painful. And yes, this flawed beast also comes loaded with goofy special effects, ridiculous makeup, shrill female characters, stupid cops (and security guards), tame sex scenes (it’s only a Category II after all), ideas lifted from a dozen other films, and a wicked cheesy synthesizer score.

The lunacy of Evil Cat works thanks to some great performers. Lau Kar-Leung is excellent as Master Cheung, a man who has waited fifty years for his chance to prove himself against a supernatural foe. Mark Cheng (Peking Opera Blues) is perfectly cast as Ah Long, limo driver, wannabe playboy, and reluctant hero. And the very silly Jing Wong (Tricky Brains) is awesome as the main source of comic relief: Inspector “Handsome” Wu. Not much can be said for actress Lai-Ying Tang who plays Master Cheung’s daughter. She brings a bland performance to an even blander character.

Folks looking for some really weird and energetic entertainment will dig on Evil Cat. Don’t expect a life-changing experience, just enjoy the ride. The bloody rampage in the police station, the pursuit through some labyrinthine tunnels, and the surprisingly downbeat ending are all highlights of this eccentric flick. Watching this film with Ngai Kai Lam’s The Cat, an even more insane horror-action-sci-fi-whatever film, would make one hell of an amazing double feature.

“No lady will like you. Go back to your working place.”