Aliens | Doomed Moviethon

badgirlsfrommars

Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.

Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.

Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.

Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.

SPOILERS (and some trivia)

According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.

“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”

alienpredator1985

Alien Predator (1985)

When Skylab crashes to Earth containing an alien parasite that causes people to go mad shortly before their heads explode, NASA steps in to clean up the mess. Unfortunately, the monstrous parasite proves to be too much for the scientists and their temporary base in Duerte, Spain is abandoned and the entire town is infected. Three American college students: Damon (Dennis Christopher), Michael (Martin Hewitt), and Sam (Lynn-Holly Johnson) just happen to be driving their RV through Duerte when they discover that the town is full of raving lunatics. They meet Dr. Tracer (Luis Prendes), a specialist from NASA, who believes he can develop an antidote to the parasite. Now the four of them must fight off the insane inhabitants of the town while working on the antidote before the rest of the world becomes infected.

Seeketh splatter and ye shall find it. But at what cost? I finally tracked down Alien Predator (thanks to the help of Uncle Sam at B-Headed). You see, I had nothing more than a couple of half-remembered scenes to go on. My mind was snagged on some images of mutilated corpses and dreary Spanish scenery from a movie I hadn’t seen in 20 years. So here I am, reunited (and it feels so good?) with Alien Predator at last. Why don’t we scavenge this corpse together? Chicken violence!

Deran Sarafian directs Alien Predator (about a million miles away from Alien Vs. Predator), a horror/sci-fi film that is dark, surreal, splattery, and pretty dumb, all at the same time. The story, based on a screenplay called “RV Park Massacre” or some BS, is pretty clunky, somewhat padded, and wildly unoriginal. Hey, how about another car chase!?! There are some disturbing and quite nasty gore setpieces scattered throughout the film but they just aren’t enough to catapult Alien Predator into the halls of classic splatter flicks. The soundtrack is ominous and perfectly suited for a horror movie until it suddenly dips into some 80s ass pop. Decent lighting and workmanlike cinematography come together quite well to provide a handful of eerie moments. The Spanish locations are especially drab adding to the sickening and hopeless atmosphere of the film.

Dennis Christopher (Fade To Black, Doppelganger) delivers as Damon, a goofy but rarely irritating “ladies man” (read as: subdued and charming crackhead). Veteran Spanish actor Luis Prendes does a fine job as Dr. Tracer but I’m sure glad he ditched his sidekick early on. I’m talking about J.O. Bosso. I don’t know who he is but I know that I couldn’t have been any happier when his character, Captain Wells, blows his brains out. Bond-girl Lynn-Holly Johnson (The Watcher In The Woods) is great with her spunky portrayal of (bad hair) Sam.

Now this is where the casting of this film is even more damaging than the script: Martin Hewitt as Michael. Holy shit, this guy is a terrible performer and astoundingly bland. His only believable scene is at the beginning when he is asleep at the wheel of the RV. Once the romance between Michael and Sam starts heating up, it’s all over. The fact that this is supposed to be our hero couldn’t be more pitiful. Dennis Christopher is clearly the romantic lead, dang it! I probably shouldn’t elaborate on my feelings.

Even though this movie was scratching at the back of my mind for 20 years and even though I really enjoyed it, I’m still having a tough time working up a good recommendation. As creepy and gory (exploding faces!) as Alien Predator is, it is also painfully stupid. The film gets bogged down in lame car chases and a romantic sub-diversion that will have you screaming for (“Hollywood’s #1 Driver!”) Michael’s head on a platter. In the film’s favor, there is an undeniable aura of weirdness throughout (dig those locals) and I’m astounded that the filmmakers got so much right. Alien Predator delivers quite a few genuinely haunting moments and downright freaky gore effects but folks looking for a lost 80s classic will be disappointed. I just can’t believe that I snuck this one past my parents all those years ago. Suckers!