Terrible crap

Skeleton Man

skeletonman

Skeleton Man (2004)

A hooded skeletal creature is killing people in the woods near a research base. A team of soldiers, lead by Captain Leary (Michael Rooker), is sent in to find and destroy this creature. Unfortunately, this creature is the possessed spirit of a mad Native American warrior and is virtually unstoppable. It is up to the surviving members of Leary’s team to find a way to destroy the creature.

This disaster of a movie was directed by longtime stuntman and first time director, Johnny Martin. The dialogue is laughable, the plot is inane, and the performances from the actors lack any personality or gumption. The film contains some brief gory moments but nothing outstanding. There is a nasty exploding head, impalements, and even a grotesque (yet half-assed) pit of bodies. Even the gratuitous machinegun fire and explosions can’t make Skeleton Man even remotely exciting.

There are an uncountable number of opportunities for viewers to go “huh?” and “what?” during the film. At around 45 minutes, the film’s already shaky narrative completely breaks down when Casper Van Dien’s (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stunt double goes for a little joyride in a tractor trailer which results in a nice explosion. I can’t imagine Van Dien being too busy to be filmed driving a truck. But sure enough, shots of a faceless stunt actor and shots of Van Dien making faces from different parts of the film are intercut into this unholy abomination of a scene.

Now onto the creature that terrorizes the protagonists (and viewers) of Skeleton Man. First of all, there’s nothing scary about a monster in a shiny black polyester bonnet and cape ensemble. Also, despite the silliness of the creature’s mask, there are shots in the film where the actor’s nose can be seen where the skeleton’s nasal cavity should be. And finally, the whole Predator thing really hurts the film. For instance, the skeletal creature can cloak (or perhaps it’s teleporting?) and the POV shots through the creature’s eyes are very familiar (complete with what appears to be thermal vision).

Skeleton Man will horrify but not in the way that it was intended to. This movie may turn up on someone’s guilty pleasure list due to the fact that it is so mistake laden and logic free. And of course, it features an unmitigated Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Shadow Builder) running rampant throughout the film as the rugged (and more than just a little nutty) Captain Leary. So, if you think you’re man enough to take on a bewildering plot and embarrassingly trite dialogue (as well as ludicrous action sequences and vapid special effects), then try Skeleton Man on for size.

Slaughterhouse Rock

slaughterhouserock

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of “Indian medicine men”. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

To Sleep with a Vampire

tosleepwithavampire

To Sleep with a Vampire (1993)

A vampire named Jacob (Scott Valentine) approaches a stripper named Nina (Charlie Spradling) but not merely to drink her blood. Jacob has lived for so many years without the sun that he needs Nina to describe it to him. Nina agrees but only because Jacob plans to suck her dry before dawn and she needs to stall for time. In a desperate attempt at survival, Nina tries reasoning with the vampire and even tries to seduce him. As the night comes to a close the pair discovers more and more about each other. Could this be more than just Jacob’s need for blood and more than Nina’s drive to live through the night? Could this be love? Googy?

Erotic thriller my ass! Director Adam Friedman took some time off from directing Playboy specials to fart out this unintentionally comical vampire flick. The plot moves along awkwardly and maligns the viewer by keeping the two leads in one room long enough for some “deep” conversation about vampires. And then there’s the script… Holy living ass, this is some of the funniest and most quotable garbage I’ve ever heard. Not to mention that our actors deliver this tripe with utmost sincerity.

An important revelation from the script is that apparently strippers aren’t trying to sincerely seduce the men they’re dancing for. You’re blowing my mind, duder! From the cheap sound to the even cheaper special effects to the minimal locations, To Sleep With A Vampire is some half-assed nonsense. At least the cinematographer got to have some fun by sneaking in some interesting camera tricks here and there.

They say it takes two to tango or rather; it takes two to ruin a movie. Charlie Spradling and Scott Valentine have all the chemistry of a broken Rock’em Sock’em Robots game. Spradling (Meridian) must have graduated from the Shannen Doherty School of Scowl-Acting and Valentine (My Demon Lover), well, I don’t know where the damn hell they found this guy. While his Jacob character is busy shattering many of the myths that surround vampires, Valentine himself is shattering many viewers’ preconceived ideas about the immortal creatures as well. Vampires that are cool, dark, mysterious, and sexy are miles away from this picture. You won’t find a dorkier or more spastic vampire than Jacob with his contortionist facial expressions and knack for pushing the boundaries of scenery chewing. Oh God, he looks like a mouth-breather! And that tiger print Speedo?!?

To Sleep With A Vampire is a comedy. Don’t let IMDB fool you with words such as “Drama”, “Horror”, “Romance”, or “Thriller”. No, no! These are all lies. The only real drama comes from my sincere pity for Nina who has to spend the night talking (and much more!) with the lamest vampire in film history. Once you have tasted the forbidden fruit of Jacob and Nina’s doomed night together, you will forever be altered. Part of you will be screaming maniacally at your television and the rest will be trying to climb the walls. Oh yeah, Charlie Spradling gets naked. There you go. Exquisitely painful. Enjoy.

“What does it feel like to have a friend?”