Doom It Yourself Moviethon

For years now, I’ve been defining a moviethon as a movie marathon of 5 films or more, preferably watching those five films in a single day. If you need to stretch the viewing over a 2-day period, then you should bump it up to 6 movies or more. Many of the moviethons I’ve written about over the years were between 13 and 18 films between Friday night and Sunday evening.

The main rule of a moviethon is that you have to sit through all of the films at normal speed. No cheating by having a movie playing at 10x speed or whatever abominable settings that modern technology has provided. Of course, you can pause for bathroom breaks and meals, and even leave yourself time to take a nap but I recommend setting an alarm (or two) just in case your body revolts and wants to crash for like 8 or 9 hours.

Obviously, you can do a moviethon any way that you see fit with any theme that you can imagine. But why not stage a Giallo Meltdown and burn through all those wonderful Italian thrillers you’ve been hoarding? Or watch all of those The Fast and the Furious films in an epic, brain-melting weekend of vroom vroom stuff. You could even do a “The Worst of ‘82” marathon with titles like Jerry Lewis’s nightmarish Slapstick of Another Kind (1982) and the paranormal high school sleaze fest Zapped! (1982) with a pre-“Charles in Charge” Scott Baio and Willie Aames. Does that sound too random? Good! The tenuous connections between your title choices is purely up to you.

Don’t have any ideas for your own moviethon? I got you covered. Want me to challenge you with a customized moviethon of my own making? Ditto. So yeah, I thought it might be fun to develop a playlist for a proper 10 film Doomed Moviethon-style moviethon based on the criteria I came up with below. The theme I’m providing you with is that there is no theme other than a collection of various horror, cult, and genre films.

The Very Official Doom It Yourself Moviethon Criteria:

1 giallo or 80 slasher – My two favorite genres!

1 Asian horror film – This is how your worldliness can be increased.

1 British horror film – Never underestimate how crazy British horror films can get.

1 zombie movie – There’s only a million of these to choose from.

1 non-horror film – This is your wild card and a chance to get truly freaky.

1 Spanish horror film – You need some Paul Naschy.

1 haunted house or ghost film – Save this one for after dark so you get spookefied.

1 Italian horror film – How can you choose just one?

1 action film – Some sweaty, machine gun-toting, macho bullshit.

1 vampire movie – Get sucked.

There are no rules in terms of the order or the scheduling with that criteria. Do two movies Friday night and then the other 8 all day on Saturday. Or save a couple for Sunday. Heck, if you were having trouble deciding between two many choices, don’t stop at 10 films. Go for 12 or 13 before you have to actually get some sleep and then go back to work. I do recommend putting the shorter films near the end of the marathon and/or saving your favorites or most anticipated titles for last.

Hopefully, I left you with some vague enough sub-genres so that you will be overwhelmed with choices. List making is fun! Speaking of being overwhelmed, here is my list as a curated challenge for you. Do you dare to get this doomed? The following playlist is what I am currently in the mood for right now. Every time I think about those criteria, I come up with different films, but I need to stop somewhere.

The Doomed Moviethon Challenge Playlist:

The Initiation (1984) – Dumb and overly serious slasher that is so much fun.

The Seventh Curse (1987) – You will never forget this Hong Kong splatterfest.

Terror (1978) – One of the weirdest British horror films ever.

One Dark Night (1982) – Very odd little zombie movie.

Spinout (1966) – This is like watching every Elvis Presley movie at the same time.

The Fury of the Wolfman (1973) – Paul Naschy hated making this dopey shit.

House on Haunted Hill (1999) – Something kooky from the tail end of the 1990s.

Aenigma (1987) – Fulci’s Carrie (1976) rip-off that is wacko.

Cyborg (1989) – Science fiction AND action in one movie. Van Damme it!

Vamp (1986) – This is about as offbeat as it gets.

So, there it is. Please let me know if you attempt this moviethon or a variant of it. I would be super jazzed to see how far you got or what titles you chose with my criteria. Before I wrap this up, don’t forget to watch these movies with some pals, either in the real world or in the virtual Internet space. Having someone along for the ride to react to your crazy picks makes staying awake much easier.

Giallo Meltdown: Slashing Back To You

Before we get started, I just wanted to let you know two things. One: this will have some minor spoilers, but I tried to make it so that I wouldn’t ruin the whole plot or the identity of the killer if it’s part of the mystery. Two: this is going to be the ninth chapter of the upcoming book, Giallo Meltdown 2. What’s a Giallo Meltdown? You can find out by picking up the first book right here. Thanks for hanging out!

In the 1980s, the giallo went through a rough patch but it definitely didn’t die. My beloved genre became a gorier and more insane -or just trashier- version of itself. Italian and Spanish genre filmmakers segued into the slasher business by doing what they do best: make a giallo but gorier. And the Americans, having spent the 1970s being bombarded with rereleases and retitlings of gialli, did what they do best: make a giallo but gorier. Of course, not all slashers from Italy and Spain were just gialli in new packaging. Some of them are actually freakin’ awesome card-carrying members of the slasher club. The goal of this moviethon is to delve deep into that blood spattered gray area that’s somewhere between giallo and slasher. And I don’t care if get lost in it forever.

FRIDAY

It’s a breezy (though typically warm and Tampa-esque) November night which can mean only one thing: death is coming! I’m sitting here feeling very stuffed and sluggish. I will ultimately be easy prey for the killer. Oh well, that Mexican pizza I ordered from Senor Tequila was worth my impending slaughtering. But let’s not focus on such morbid things for it is time to watch other people die (and not just me slowly)! Personally, I’ve been simply dying (EDIT: please stop talking about dying!) to get this moviethon going for a long while now and hoo boy, the time is here. I’ve got an overly ambitious stack of movies, a good attitude, and a pleasing countenance. Ready, steady, go!

“What did shithead say?”

5:55PM

BODY COUNT (1986)

Ruggero Deodato is personally assisting me in the beginning of this bloodbath. That opening theme by Claudio Simonetti is kicking my ass, dood! I have a feeling that I’m going to regret having put this one off for so long. Boy am I glad that this opens with some basketball. I was beginning to worry if I wouldn’t get my daily recommended sports footage intake. John Steiner is in this, so I guess he’s the killer. Just sayin’. There is a character named Bob and another one named Ann? I feel like I’m in heaven. Speaking of heaven, David Hess and Mimsy Farmer play the owners of a campground that was built on an “Indian burial ground”. This film has an amazingly disorienting mix of live sound and post dubbing. And I just saw a bottle of J&B.

A group of teenagers in an RV are headed to that accursed campsite with their hitchhiker pal Ben. He grew up there, but he also witnessed a couple getting murdered in the woods. I’m sure that won’t come up later. Ivan Rassimov plays a grumpy sheriff’s deputy, and my heart is melting. I love him so much. America’s treasure, David Hess, is extra insane as Ben’s dad. He’s obsessed with catching an old shaman who stalks the woods. The killer I saw for a split second earlier looked more like a deflated Nick Nolte to me than a shaman. These teenagers are extra horny. One girl just fellated a sausage, but only just the tip. We’re all just sucking on the tip tonight. Charles Napier and Mimsy Farmer are super-secret lovers, but I don’t think my feeble mind can process such a thing.

One of the girls is doing the worst aerobics I’ve ever seen. She looks like she’s auditioning for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Close your eyes and imagine what that looks like. All of these characters are terrible and lovable at the same time. Thanks to a prank played on the fat comic relief character, we’re able to start the wiener count. If it turns out that it’s the only peepee we see during this entire moviethon then so be it. This is a damn good slasher and has set the mood for this weekend perfectly. I really hope that Body Count gets a proper release someday because this is one pretty film. This full frame shit is for the birds. The shitty ass birds!

“You have quite a repertoire of chilling tales.”

7:21PM

BLOODY MOON (1981)

Give me that holiday feelin’. Horrific snake murder aside, this is one of Jess Franco’s best films. Don’t listen to those folks who say otherwise. Bloody Moon is a G dang masterpiece. Just like Miguel, I feel like a disco king in my Mickey Mouse mask. After he murders a young lady, Miguel is shipped off to an insane asylum. Luckily, his doctor is Jess Franco, so he doesn’t have to stay there very long. His sister Manuela takes him back to the language school/mansion that their curmudgeonly old aunt owns. It’s full of sexy young ladies that are just begging to get murdered. Someone just set the old lady on fire. I miss her already.

Studly Antonio has his pick of the ladies, especially when he’s in his tennis gear. Speaking of ladies, the girls in this are some of the daffiest slasher movie vixens ever. And the dubbing of every character is broken and extra weird. Heck, this whole thing is just unhinged. The producers wanted Pink Floyd to do the film’s soundtrack. Pink Floyd was… unavailable. Manuela and Miguel have a very special relationship. Incestuous thoughts are okay if your sister looks like Manuela. Those are the rules. Cut to the night club where the DJ is spinning a nightmarish song that commands me to shake my baby. Antonio makes a crack about chocolate syrup and Inga, this movie’s VIP, freaks and storms out of the club. If you’re confused, then just imagine how I feel!

Inga may be my favorite character, but my second favorite is the giant Styrofoam rock that falls down the side of the mountain. Such charisma! The scene where the snake gets killed just gets harder to watch every time. Ugh. Damn it, Franco. Why must you hurt me so? Jeez Louise, even the outfits in Bloody Moon are loud and stupid. There’s an adorable cat scare AND a dummy fakeout. More of that stuff, please. It’s all so wonderful and daft that I’m ridin’ high. Don’t get me wrong though, the allergy medicine I took is making my eyes feel like they have lead weights tied to them. This is requiring all of my concentration. The killer’s motivation is so giallo that it hurts. The only way this could be any better is if this was a modelling school and not a language school.

“Here comes the bullshit!”

8:49PM

NIGHT SCHOOL (1981)

It has been a very, very long time since I’ve seen this one. All that I remember is that the killer looks like the one from What Have They Done to Your Daughters? (1974) and it contains a certain food-based lovemaking/shower scene. There are probably other things that happen in this film. Manly Leonard Mann plays Judd, a police detective investigating the brutal murders of lovely coeds at a Massachusetts college. He questions Vincent, a professor of archeology at the school, to find out more about one of his female students that got beheaded. The professor isn’t suspicious at all. Nope. He’s just creepily showing too much affection to one his students in front of the detective.

Exchange student Eleanor (Rachel Ward) hates how all the girls fawn all over Vincent because she’s his very special teaching assistant. She really knows how to grade his papers! She really knows how to load his slide projector! She really knows how to notate his lectures! Maybe I should just go to bed. A gratuitous shower scene happens and LeEtta is very offended by it. It’s not the nudity on display, it’s the fact that Rachel Ward didn’t take off her earrings beforehand! Vincent joins her in the shower and starts rubbing raspberry jam all over her while the synthesizer plays a creepy dirge. Why does every slasher movie have raspberry jam lovemaking shower scenes?! I’ve never understood that trope.

Watching this film is like jumping on a grenade but instead of shrapnel, your body is pierced by deadly shards of melodrama. The best character is Carol, the kindly but sassy waitress at the Lamplight Restaurant who gives out worldly advice while refilling your coffee. I sure hope that nothing happens to her. The killer likes to decapitate his victims and put the heads in water. They call him “The Wet Bandit”! We’ve seen two neon signs for Schlitz in two movies tonight. Classy. There’s so much soft focus and diffused lighting in this movie that it’s making me feel like I’m floating. Floating like a head in a toilet. Damn it, I need to watch this one more often.

SATURDAY

After a night of confusing and boring dreams, I wake up feeling expertly rested. We had a nice jam experiment for breakfast. LeEtta made calamondin jam and pineapple jam. On our English muffins, I put butter and then calamondin on the bottom slice and then butter and pineapple on the top slice. The calamondin was a total failure. But the pineapple was a huge success. So, it all worked out. Was I ready for more movies? Hell no, brother! I came here to do chores! My plan to do my cleaning duties on Thursday night was a complete failure. Woopsie doodle. So, after cleaning the toilets and vacuuming the house, I ran out to get our lottery tickets. After that, I didn’t want to see the sun anymore!

“The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot
and fucking on a waterbed at the same time!”

10:03AM

PIECES (1982)

I am one bold son of a biscuit by starting the day with a stone cold favorite, but this is what it takes to be a hero. I love Pieces so much that my band has a song about it! The VHS tape for this one leered at me on the shelves of the video store when I was a kid. But the cover freaked me out too much, so I never rented it. In the early 2000s, I picked up the Diamond DVD for seven dollars and I’ve loved it ever since. It’s always a big hit at parties. The black-gloved killer likes to fondle his trophies. To be completely honest, it took me multiple viewings before I understood that the girl on the skateboard crashing into the giant mirror on the street is what triggered the killer’s bloodlust. And hell, it might have even been somebody else’s review that explained it to me. I’m not THAT bright or whatever.

At a very un-prestigious college campus in Boston, our murderer is chopping up the female students and stealing one PIECE of their bodies at a time. Everyone’s favorite pasty Englishman Edmund Purdom plays the dean of the university and Jess Franco regular Jack Taylor plays a very suspicious professor encased in a turtleneck. Somebody is gonna have to crack this case and who better than green cigar-chomping detective Christopher George and undercover policewoman/tennis pro Lynda Day George? Oh, hello there, swimming pool at night! You’re one of my favorite characters. The girl by the pool looks alarmed by the dark figure approaching her with a chainsaw, but not alarmed enough to jump back in the pool to evade the maniac. Maybe she thought it was her time.

Nearly every line of dialogue and just about every character in Pieces is a heckin’ riot. I don’t want to get into everything because this entry would be a whole chapter’s worth of writing. The creepy horror synths, progressive rock breakdowns, and the kooky pieces of library music by CAM, a collection of musicians including Fabio Frizzi, Stelvio Cipriani, and Carlo Maria Cordo, are excellent. The way the gore is filmed in this is so grotesque and yet elegant. Let’s call it “grotelegant”. This film makes my heart do cartwheels or maybe that’s just some blockage I’m trying to clear. Director Juan Piquer Simón was a mad genius. One of these days, I need to check out his film called Pod People (1983). I’ve heard that it stinks. I throw a frozen pizza in the oven to feed LeEtta and I because we be hungry.

“I’m full of surprises today.”

12:30PM

MADHOUSE (1981)

This might as well be a first time watch for me. I remember enjoying it and brief flashes of the story, but that’s about it. Back in the 90s, I had a bad case of Assonitis. Holy crud, Madhouse doesn’t waste any time getting to the gore. Whoa! I look forward to comparing this one to Happy Birthday to Me (1981), which was released months after this one and has similar story elements. A music score by Riz Ortolani? Bam! TV actress Patricia Mickey plays Julia Sullivan, a teacher at a school for the deaf. Julia gets a letter from her uncle urging her to visit her twin sister Mary in the hospital. Mary has contracted a virus that has disfigured her face but she’s still the same old sis, a cruel and violent psychopath! In a few days, it will be the twins’ birthday and Mary says that has a very special ritual planned for Julia.

Back at Julia’s place, the building’s super Mr. Kimura, played by Jerry Fujikawa, is tinkering with the fuse box. Fujikawa’s Asian stereotype game is tight. A rottweiler just appeared out of nowhere and killed a security guard at the hospital that Mary just escaped from. Apparently, Mary had a huge, mean dog back when the girls were kids that would obey her every command. If it’s the same dog, then it should probably be in a frickin’ museum because it’s gotta be in its mid to late 20s. One thing I love about this movie is that Julia’s and Mary’s backstory feels like it was based on a 70s pulp horror novel. Riz Ortolani brought all of his farty bass plucks and gurgley stomach synth burps to this party. The owner of the building where Julia lives is a new age nightmare woman with a Southern accent that’ll peel the skin right off your ears. She’s great.

Julia’s cute friend Helen comes over to stay the night and keep her company. This actress is named Morgan Most, and she looks so darn familiar. I know her best from a film called Madhouse (1981). Julia’s cat gets gotten and there’s a brief shot of it hanging by its neck. The cat isn’t dead, but it looks rather pissed off at the filmmakers. Boo. Come on, people. Just get a fake cat. You got a fake dog! The scene is crazy creepy though as a mystery woman is stepping slowly towards Helen in the dark of the basement. Mild animal cruelty aside, this one is a lot of fun. The villain takes such perverse pleasure from evildoing that I discover I’m smiling from ear to ear. When this film gets wild, it gets very wild. I kinda love it. Suddenly I’ve got a craving to watch another Ovidio Assonitis favorite, Beyond the Door (1974), but not today!

“I make real good midnight snacks. You hungry?”

1:57PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

Speaking of films that I don’t watch often enough, here’s one of them. This Mill Creek Blu-ray looks so damn nice, BTW. A black-gloved killer is stalking a college campus and I’m struck by how original that plotline sounds. The first girl gets it right in the throat zone with a straight razor. She was a member of The Riches or The Elites or The Top Dogs. Whatever their name is, they’re a group of snooty college jerkwads. Luckily for us, the viewing public, these pricks are going to die horribly. The only nice one is Virginia Wainwright (Melissa Sue Anderson) and she’s got some darkness in her past. I can’t judge her too harshly because I once saw C+C Music Factory in concert. The headmistress of the school has it in for the gang and I don’t blame her at all. She has a giant bulldog and he’s such a cutie.

A demonstration with electricity applied to frog legs in class brings back Virginia’s memories of her time she spent in the hospital after a traumatic head injury she suffered as a kid. Her psychologist is played by Glenn Ford. He’s hot. Forget all the psychobabble about Virginia’s fragile mental state, let’s get to the motocross scene. If your movie doesn’t have dirt bikes, did you even make a movie? Speaking of motorized vehicles, don’t get so close to a revving engine when you’ve wearing your Hogwarts scarf. Happy Birthday to Me has both weightlifting and soccer. Is it MY birthday? I can’t believe that this film’s director also directed the sleazetastic 10 to Midnight (1983), a movie I watched with my family when I was way, waaaay too young.

Why am I watching this trash? It features the main cast smoking doobies. I’m scared. Is this even legal to watch in the privacy of my own home? Even though this film is just a little over 110 minutes long, I never find it boring. Virginia’s birthday is quickly approaching, and her dad is too busy organizing the cleanup efforts of some dumb bullshit involving an oil rig on fire. What a selfish bastard! Holy carp, I forgot about the scene at the dance. It contains some delicious disco dancing. The movie delivers what its poster promises with the shish kabob of death which gives LeEtta and I a lot to discuss. What a tasty way to go. While this does have a somewhat similar ending to Madhouse (1981), I think this one is better at delivering the gruesome thrills, and it’s just so darn well made.

“You want me to stick my head in a fucking trash bag?”

4:27PM

DOUBLE EXPOSURE (1982)

I have been saving this DVD from Scorpion Releasing for a very long time. I suppose that this might be a good time to watch it. After an undercover cop disguised as a hooker gets killed by a maniac, the filmmakers get all trippy and keep with the double exposure theme by laying on some nausea-inducing special effects over the opening credits. Once that’s over, we meet Adrian (Michael Callan), a photographer who’s been having strange dreams and vague impotency. His therapist is Seymour Cassel so things can’t be all that bad. Adrian acts like a complete psycho while hitting on a lady named Mindy (Joanna Pettet) who’s just trying to get to her car in the parking garage. She foolishly agrees to see him later. LeEtta made us kielbasa, sauerkraut, and spaetzle for dinner because of all these German movies we’re watching.

Meanwhile the colleagues of the dead uncover cop are getting grief from the police chief, who’s played by Cleavon Little of Once Bitten (1985)! His character’s name is “Police Chief”. That’s creative! Adrian has a dream about murdering a model he’s supposed to be photographing. That’s bad but his homophobic brother B.J. (James Stacy) is worse. He treats Adrian’s gay co-worker like dogshit. What a cool guy. Victoria Jackson has a tiny part in this. More importantly, Frances Bay of Blue Velvet (1986) plays an old woman named “Old Woman”. How did the screenwriter think of that!? Adrian has ghosted Mindy for some reason and has now hooked up with some other chick. He’s a real piece of work.

Holy forking shirt, Grady Fletcher’s fiancée just got killed. I wonder if Aunt Jessica will turn up to solve the mystery! The only mystery is why I wanted to watch this movie. Michael Callan just started monologuing the movie right into the fucking ground. Did he take an acting class? He’s chewing the scenery like it was the last stick of beef jerky hidden in his couch cushions. I don’t like the term “overindulgent” because people use it to describe me all the time. Hold up, Mindy has taken Adrian back after all of his bullshit? Why would she do that? Why is she rubbing her crotch with his foot? LeEtta theorizes that the reels of the film are out of order.

Adrian and B.J. take their dates to a bar that has female mud wrestling. B.J.’s date named Bambi gets him to bet $230 that he can wrassle and win against the reigning champ in the ring. Spoiler alert: he loses. Damn it, Double Exposure is pretty dreadful and has almost lost us completely. But we’re hangin’ on, damn it. And for what it’s worth, the ending is pretty decent and there’s some surprisingly good atmosphere on display. But I have to wonder what the heck happened to this movie. There’s a lot of extras on the disc that might explain things. So now we’re watching those. Just kidding. We’re moving right along.

“Stop kvetching, honey. You could always go back to
microwaving chili at Mexico Joe’s.”

6:08PM

STAGEFRIGHT (1987)

Now, this feels like coming home. I’ve seen this wondrous film so many times that I’ve practically got it memorized. A group of dancers is getting ready for a big show by pulling an all-night rehearsal. Hey, this is just like Noises Off (1992). The show that they’re rehearsing is some crunked up garbage with hookers, murder, and a killer in a huge owl mask. Barbara Cupisti plays Alicia, one of the dancers who sneaks off with her pal so that she can have a doctor look at her injured ankle. They go to a mental institution because they think that psychiatrists treat sprained ankles. After the doctor feels her up, they head back to the theater not realizing that a homicidal killer has escaped from the hospital and secreted (Ew, bro!) himself away in the backseat.

Good old Michele Soavi directed this masterpiece of murder, and he did it just for me. What a good guy! No wait, he did it for Joe D’Amato who produced it. But George Eastman, who wrote this, said that he dedicated the screenplay to me. Giovanni Lombardo Radice plays Brett, one of the dancers. The screenwriter gives Brett all of the best lines. He’s so damn funny. Brett has an antagonistic friendship with his pal Laurel, played by Mary Sellers of Ghosthouse (1988). They attempt to see which of them can be cattier than the other. It’s a stalemate. The killer steals Brett’s owl mask and kills one of the dancers right in front of everyone. Now the key to the only door out is lost and these silly goofs are trapped in the theater.

I’m not the kind of guy who has to upgrade every single DVD in my collection but this old Anchor Bay disc ain’t lookin’ so hot. Normally I wouldn’t care but dang it all, my eyes are so tired right now. The scene where Laurel and Alicia hide from the killer in the showers is so good. Then there’s the whole tableau with all of the victim’s bodies arranged onstage while classical music is blaring, and feathers are blowing around by the fan. I think this is anime because feathers = anime. There’s a black cat in this named Lucifcer but I think he’s played by two cats because one of them is a tabby that’s been dyed black. That’s Hollywood for ya.

QUICK BREAK

LeEtta and I went outside to look at the stars and the mostly full moon. It was very cool outside and windy. I was feeling both elated by the barrage of movies I’ve been shoving into my brain and in pain from another cold front moving in. Those sinus infections I had back in the day really destroyed my shit forever. But the tops of the trees swaying to and fro were so gorgeous that I laid down on our driveway and stared at them while LeEtta looked for constellations. The light pollution and some pesky clouds weren’t helping her. After a little while, we went back inside.

“Enjoy the show, creep.”

8:15PM

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1983)

Here’s another one that I’ve never seen before. The cover art for this one and Double Exposure (1982) are so damn gialloriffic that I couldn’t resist. We have nudity and pot smoking in the first few seconds. That’s unacceptable. We are turning this off! The straight razor starts flying and we are off to the last film of the day. Welcome to the world of strippers and prostitutes and Canadians. This dude named Eric is looking for his missing sister (who we just saw killed). She was involved in some skeevy shit, and he wants to find her. This movie is as grubby as the VHS that it was ripped from. Another gay stereotype! These things happen.

Michael Ironside just showed up as a cop and I’ve made a bet with LeEtta that he’s the killer. And minutes later, I am proved wrong. Oh well, good thing I didn’t mention how many thousands of dollars I had intended to wager. Eric turns to Louise (Lora Staley), his sister’s friend to help him and they both take turns giving each other guilt trips. Good gawd, it looks freakin’ COLD up there in that Canada place. I’m starting to fall in love with all of these characters. A decent script and some solid performances are things that movies have sometimes. What’s that all about? Sure, it’s a little bad TV cop drama but I’m very much enjoying this.

I keep seeing Christmas decorations and that excites me very much. If American Nightmare could be a part of our Christmas viewing every year that would make me happy. While running around town trying to get more info, Eric and Louise are accosted by a mugger. Eric makes quick work of this punk by nearly ripping his ear off. Later that night, after arguing about how stripping is bad and how he’s a hypocrite, Eric and Louise meet halfway by having a really long sex scene. Well, this just took a nasty turn. I truly didn’t see that coming. I need a shower now. I mean, I always NEED a shower but this time, it’s because a movie made me feel dirty. Canada, you naughty.

SUNDAY

We went to bed as soon as American Nightmare (1982) AKA Canadian Nightmare (or Hoser Nightmare as David Assassino calls it) was over. I stayed awake for a little while to read a bit more of The Tea Party by Charles L. Grant. I have read many, many books by Grant and I highly recommend him if you can track down his stuff. Anyway, I went to sleep and had many dreams of social awkwardness and paranoia. My giallo killer is being afraid of hanging out with people. LeEtta gave us both a break from yard work for the day, and there was much rejoicing. For breakfast, I drove out and picked up sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches from Panera Bread (not my sponsor). It was a lovely morning but already warmer than it had been the night before but there was rain and cooler weather in the forecast. I decided to stay indoors where it was much safer for my delicate constitution.

“Once the cerebral cells are destroyed, they cannot regenerate.”

9:19AM

ABSURD (1981)

Here’s a cozy little number. I first saw this marvelous Joe D’Amato joint way back in the day as a little kid and it got lodged in my brain. When I got back into horror movies around 2002, I asked about it on a horror message board, giving as many details as I could about the plot. Someone identified it as Absurd (AKA Rosso Sangue AKA Monster Hunter AKA George Eastman vs. Mechagodzilla) immediately and I was shocked that it was so hard to find. I bought the VHS and fell in love with it all over again. Now I have this swanky ass Severin Blu-ray and the soundtrack on red and black swirl vinyl (a gift from my friend Sam). So yeah, I kinda like this one.

This movie is about true love between two men. One is played by George Eastman and the other is Edmund Purdom. Eastman is an undying rage-filled beast and Purdom is a priest out to stop him at any cost. Michele Soavi is back as a young man on a motorcycle. Because his portrayal won him so many awards, he would reprise this game changing role in Tenebre (1982). One thing about this movie is the annoying kid in it. Everyone bitches about Bob in The House by the Cemetery (1981) but he doesn’t hold a candle to little Willy played by Kasimir Berger, son of the great William Berger. His sister Katia is played by his real-life sister Katya Berger. Katia is in traction from some anomaly in her spine and likes to draw circles! Bless her heart.

Mmm, Nurse Emily. She’s played by the lovely Annie Belle, who was more known for her roles in erotic films. I would injure myself forever if she was the one operating on me. Most of this film takes place at night and it’s all just lovely. I wish I could stroll around some cozy looking streets in Italy with George Eastman all night. There’d be no trouble since he’s 9 feet tall. Fun fact about me: it took many, many viewings of Absurd before I realized that it was D’Amato trying to cash in on the success of Halloween (1978). This is also a vague sequel to Antropophagus (1980), but Eastman didn’t want to have the gnarly makeup on this time around.

When my buddy Brad and I were talking about this film on the podcast, we talked about its ridiculous obsession with American football. And of course, the Italians got it completely wrong but football fucking sucks, so who cares?! You have adults dressing up in their finest duds to go to a football watching party which starts at 10pm and where they eat big bowls of spaghetti. All of the play-by-play commentary from the TV is complete gibberish. And bonus, the fanfare they play at the game is the same as the music from Pieces (1982). It’s not too surprising since a lot of that score was borrowed from this one. Meanwhile, there’s a whole subplot involving Willy’s dad being racked with guilt after hitting Eastman with his car and fleeing the scene. I’d be racked with guilt too if my seed had brought the curse upon the world known as Willy.

LUNCH

I went out to get some food from Simply Pho. I picked up egg rolls, chicken with fried rice for LeEtta, and pork with stir-fried noodles for me. So, I guess I didn’t get simply pho but whatever. There were lots of Vietnamese families enjoying lunch there and I did a little sneaky people watching while I was waiting. Probably creepy or maybe I was just hungry. Whatever everyone was ordering looked amazing. So maybe more pathetic than creepy? Who knows? On the way back, I listened to Edsel. There are few things from the 1990s that I enjoy more than that band. Look up their album called Techniques of Speed Hypnosis. It’s great. I’m so full of recommendations this moviethon.

“You haven’t kissed me goodnight for a long time.”

12:37PM

SCHIZOID (1980)

I have been staring at this one on my shelves for what seems like forever. Good old Canon Films. This opens with a lady hunched over her typewriter while writing on her couch. She’s just like me! You fill a hot tub with lovely ladies sipping glasses of wine and you’re creating a situation where anything can happen. Now that one of the girl gang are alone, she’s being pursued by a man with black gloves wielding a huge pair of scissors. He chases her to the California version of the Sawyer Ranch. Hot damn, Marianna Hill of Messiah of Evil (1973) is in this. She plays Julie. She writes the advice column for a newspaper that her ex-husband Doug (Craig Wasson) runs. My God, they would’ve had beautiful children together. Julie is getting anonymous letters from a psycho. He talks about wanting to kill people and he wants her advice for some reason.

Julie and her pals are in a group therapy session led by Dr. Peter Fales. I suspect that their session will not be successful because Fales is played by Klaus Kinski. He may know more about madness than anyone, but I think he mostly just causes it. Dr. Fales likes to sneak a peek at his daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes) whiles she’s undressing. That’s not good. Christopher Lloyd plays one of the members of the group and he sounds like the loneliest man on the planet. He’s so good but I’m glad the movie isn’t about him. That’d be a bit of a bummer. After the session is over, Julie shows Dr. Fales the psycho letter and he gives her a big surprise kiss. His secretary walks in and catches them. He acts all cool and leaves but Julie looks like he hit her with a two-by-four. Another gay stereotype! Damn, these North Americans are giving Italy a run for their money.

Speaking of character actors, John Regalbuto of “Murphy Brown” and Richard Herd of “T.J. Hooker”, are both in this! Ooh, a strip club. We definitely didn’t get enough of that action yet this moviethon. Kinski just had sex with a stripper against a hot water heater. LeEtta is making candles in the kitchen, so she only heard the sound effects of them making the sex act. She said, “Those didn’t sound like sexy sounds!” Holy shit, this was directed by the dude who did Savage Weekend (1979)?! That’s amazing. Julie and Dr. Fales are actually starting up a romance. Duder, I gotta tell ya, that is some weird, inhuman shit. His daughter Alison certainly thinks it’s weird. She’s spying on them from her bedroom window while holding a huge revolver. My brain just reminded me who Donna Wilkes is. She’s Angel from Angel (1983)!

While Julie is getting Kinski’d by Dr. Fales, Doug is snooping around the fire escape, trying to get a look at them in The Bone Zone. A neighbor who looks a lot like Martin Scorsese chases him down the street with a baseball bat screaming, “I’ll fix your ass!” The members of the group therapy session are gettin’ gotten and Kinski saying, “Where is everybody?” to the surviving members cracks me up. Donna Wilks almost looks like she’s trying to cosplay as Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris (1972) in one scene. Now that was a fun first-time watch. I want to own this soundtrack. It’s by some dude named Craig Huxley and damn it, it’s so damn cool.

“I’m depressed and I have a headache.”

2:17PM

EDGE OF THE AXE (1988)

I love how José Ramón Larraz got into the slasher game in the late 80s with this little gem. The killer looks super cool with his creepy expressionless mask. But the real magic of this movie comes from all of the computer rigmarole and wacko character interactions. Gerald is a computer geek with a hipster haircut. He and his friend Richard (no relation) run around town earning extra money exterminating vermin. Today, the owner of the local bar wants them to investigate a foul stench coming from somewhere at his establishment. Surprise, it’s a corpse! Ugh, I hate Richard. No, I’m not talking about myself though I do hate myself. This Richard is such a sleazebag. He brags about only having married his wife, played by Patty Shepard for her money and he’s obsessed with tits. Not his wife’s tits but all the other tits in town. No one ever married Patty Shepard for any other reason than Patty Shepard!

This movie has a love story even sweeter than the one between Eastman and Purdom. Gerald meets Lillian another computer geek just like him. Their online chats are the stuff of legend. Perhaps you’ve heard of The Hunger Games and 50 Shades of Grey. Those hit properties are both based on Gerald and Lillian. Thanks to Arrow Video I was able to retire my VHS rip of this film. This Blu-ray is kinda blowing my mind right now. It just looks so damn nice. And I get to hear the soul deflating country songs and the garbled dialogue of some of the locally sourced actors in HD. Jack Taylor returns to the moviethon! He’s also in HD, glaring suspiciously.

My pal Sam has arrived to partake of this craziness. He is witnessing the blossoming yet complicated love of Lillian and Gerald. LeEtta says that old Ger looks like Jim Carrey and Sam says he looks like Evan Peters of “American Horror Story”. Meanwhile, Patty Shepard and Jack Taylor are having the best interaction ever filmed at the bar. He’s practically making love to her whiskey glass. The computer voice coldly narrating the online chats of the young lovers just blew Sam’s mind. Gerald looks as tired and distraught as the manager at Panera did this morning. Although I suspect that she was just really hungover. Gerald has no excuse.

GYROJETS AND DINNER

Sam and I retreated to the music room where we worked on some new parts of new GYROJETS songs. It was as loud and ridiculous as always. Then we talked about Laser Tag and synthesizers and horror manga. Sam ate one of the pumpkin spice bourbon muffins that LeEtta made, and he found them to be amazing. I could do nothing but agree. They were that good. And then Sam had to take his leave of us. I heated up the leftover beans and rice from Senor Tequila and we made burritos. It was finally time for the last movie of the moviethon.

“Look, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

6:25PM

NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (1981)

And now I must tussle with Romano Scavolini and his Video Nasty classic. He directed A White Dress for Marialé (1972)?! That kinda blows my mind. I’m loving the hand-painted 21st Century Distribution Corp. logo at the beginning of this. Somebody’s cousin was a skilled draftsman. Or draftsperson. A young man in tighty whities wakes up with a woman’s severed head in his bed. But then he really wakes up in a straitjacket in an asylum. After some diseased jazz plays over the credits, a title card proclaiming “The First Night – Florida” boldly flashes on the screen. I love me some Florida movies, y’all. You know this! Some maniac is running around and scares the Bujebus out of a poor babysitter. One of the kids she’s babysitting looks very amused by all this as the cops are running around outside looking for the aforementioned maniac.

So Mr. Tighty Whities is named George Tatum and he lives in New York City. He is the first quote unquote success with a combination of new anti-psychotic medications. Sadly, his list of mental problems is as long as my arm, so let’s just say things are likely not gonna go well for him on the outside. George goes out in the world to a peep show and he’s haunted by visions of the dead woman tying a man to a bed and slapping the shit out of him. Holy crud, this has some serious dildo on lady bits action happening here. Paging, Dr. Franco! He drives down to Florida and goes to a bar. A country singer armed with an acoustic guitar croons, “I’m feelin’ tired and beat” to which I say, “Fuck you!” George follows a woman home from the bar and brutally kills her to death. But then he apologizes. So, it all works out.

Someone thought it would be a good idea to have some recorder on this soundtrack. And here I thought the harmonica was the worst instrument ever invented. There’s a lady named Susan who likes to leave her kids locked out of the house while she’s on a boat getting groped by a guy who looks like a roadie for The Eagles. When she realizes that she needs to get home to feed her children, he says, “Let them eat Mallomars.” I’m not gonna lie, her kids, especially C.J. the little terror, are pretty awful. Never blame the parents! JK LOL. Susan really sucks. Her boyfriend suggests that they go to McDonald’s, but they dub over him so he’s saying “McDuff’s”. I thought C.J. was making pipe bombs in his bedroom but LeEtta explained that he’s wiring up one of his masks for a prank. Someone show this to my mom so that she will thank the Lord for what a well-behaved child I was.

George feels bad for killing people. He takes his victim to the beach and just screams at the night sky. Nice to see that sometimes a killer has remorse. Sometimes. The babysitter freaks out on Susan after C.J. pulls another prank and I have to laugh. She looks like a true Floridian. I’d say perfect casting, but they probably just grabbed her off the street out of desperation. We get some great impossible computer crapola as a cigar chomping detective is hunting for George by typing questions into a computer and getting instant answers. LeEtta has had it with Susan, but I think she’s mother of the year. This movie gets so weird as the police question C.J. about his dead friend at the scene of the crime in front of a camera crew and reporters. Wut? This is the best prequel to Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) ever made. I seriously don’t know I feel about this fuckin’ movie. It is exquisite suffering.

CIGAR AND FINAL THOUGHTS

I sat out in the carport in the dark smoking an Eiroa cigar and drinking a lime Jarrito. The temperature was already starting to drop. Winter was coming or at least the Florida version of it. I was giddy. After 13 films, 102 murders, and 4 wieners (almost five if you count George’s peepee bouncing round in his tighty whities), I was in splatter heaven. In fact, I had just experienced one of the best moviethons I’d had in years. Slashers and gialli are always battling it out for the open spot in the happy hole in my head but also heart. Intentionally getting lost in that happy space between my two favorite subgenres was fascinating and stupid. It was a snotty and unimaginably selfish gesture to enrage giallo diehards and make myself happy.

On one end of the spectrum, you have Stagefright (1987) and Body Count (1986) which were very successful slashers; and then on the other, you have Pieces (1982) and American Nightmare (1983) which were totally latecomers to the giallo game. Then you’ve got Nightmares in a Damaged Brain (1981) and Double Exposure (1982) which I don’t have a clue what the actual fudge category they fit into. As for new favorites, I will definitely be revisiting Schizoid (1980) and Body Count again. Hell, I’m still trying to talk LeEtta into letting me slip American Nightmare into our regular Christmas sleaze watchin’. Only time will tell.

Slashers in the Night

slashersinthenight-main

The slasher movie is the giallo’s more famous, coked up, and slightly more demented lovechild (we still don’t know who the father is). I’ve been meaning to have a slasher moviethon for years now but could never figure out which angle to approach it from. I decided to limit the titles by two criteria: 1. these slashers must be unseen by yours truly and 2. they were released between the years of 1979 and 1989. Not surprisingly, I have somewhere around 30 titles that meet those criteria. But now I can finally get around to some of those dang flicks that have been getting dusty on my shelves. Alright, I have picked 21 movies from that list and I am now ready to rock this bitch.

Friday

It is 7:32am. Sparkles almost woke me up much earlier this morning by putting her front paws on my shoulder and just standing there. I ignored her. I don’t know how much time passed before she just started meowing over and over again. When I rolled over and told her to shut the fuck up, I felt bad because she’s just so adorable. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I got up. I went out into the world to get some moviethon supplies from 7-11.

You see, I took the day off today for Slashers in the Night. I’d be a fool not to. My wife LeEtta is working today as is my mother-in-law Margie. She works from home so I’ll be hearing her from the office and probably running into her occasionally today. After retrieving a bevy of drinks and a sausage biscuit from 7-11, I come home. I got a Simply Lemonade to go with breakfast, a can of Arizona Watermelon drink or whatever in case I get a cigar to smoke this weekend, and two sodas: a Coke and a Mountain Dew. My goal for Slashers in the Night is seven movies per day for the next three days so I better stop dicking around and get started.

final-exam

8:54am

Final Exam

A couple making out in the middle of nowhere, bickering and being really annoying. “Shh, what was that? I heard something.” This is the perfect way to start this shit. The first kill scene is bloodless but surprisingly well done. The music in this movie is phenomenal. It shifts from menacing to hokey happy from one scene to the next and everything feels perfect. I don’t think I could have picked a more perfect movie than this. Twelve minutes in and Final Exam is already a charmer.

The goofy professor is having an affair with Lisa, the hot chick but more importantly, there is a rapist van cruising around campus. Then the fraternity stages one of the most elaborate and irresponsible pranks the world has ever seen. This film was made back when campus shootings were still funny. The nerd named Radish could just as easily be a gay character. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. Too many character alert! The scene where the sheriff confronts Wildman on his little stunt has so many people in it and then some redneck security guard shows up to fill up some empty space left in the frame.

Hey, nice Toolbox Murders poster in Radish’s room. The frat guys in this movie are the scum of the Earth with their stealing prescription drugs and cheating on exams. They are also very gay. They make Radish look like Gary Cooper. Wildman is especially touchy feely with his bros. If these guys could un-closet themselves, they would probably be nicer people. This reminds me of Girls Nite Out with all the college junk. The first murder doesn’t occur until past the 45 minute mark. It doesn’t bother me though, I like this. I love the way the killer stalks his victims in this flick.

Jeez Courtney, you are such a fucking whiner! Boo hoo, Lisa is so beautiful, she has things so easy! All she has to do is get by on her looks! Grow a pair of balls, you morose beyatch. Oh man, Radish is not gay after all. He just half-assedly confessed his feeling for Courtney and by doing so made me realize that the actor playing him is definitely gay. Once the ball gets rolling, this film really comes together. Courtney, our final girl, is left all by herself to run around and look for help while shrilly screaming and screaming. I feel prone to yell out advice for her at the screen; the sign of a great slasher. Its corny, painfully typical, but totally awesome.

bloody-birthday

10:47am

Bloody Birthday

I don’t trust this DVD. What is up with these obviously newly generated titles? Weird. The eclipse is coming and with it comes creepy wind and the birth of three children. Flash forward ten years to another obnoxious couple making out and being stupid. They decide to climb into an open grave to do some more making out. What the hell? They die horribly and I couldn’t be happier.

In a classroom full of obnoxious kids, there are three particularly smug little shitheads: Curtis, Debbie, and Steven. They are the three eclipse babies grown into three ten year old freaks. OH WOW, an extended nude scene with Julie Brown. I have waiting all my life for this moment. My childhood crush is butt naked. Thank you, Bloody Birthday! This is the best present ever. She plays Debbie’s older, ditzy, and decidedly trampy sister.

The three little monsters kill the sheriff in a very, very improbable way. It’s kind of hilarious. Joyce talks about spooky crap, astrological gobbledygook, the eclipse, and fate. After an action sequence in the junkyard and more evil children running amok stuff, I come to the conclusion that it is impossible not to love this movie. I love the scene where Curtis is running around the suburbs at night with the revolver, looking for victims. He’s our neighborhood friendly Son of Son of Sam.

Curtis makes Joyce look like a loony in front of everyone during the Ant Poison in the Cake Icing Birthday Party sketch, I mean scene. Now Joyce’s boyfriend Paul shows up to scare the crap out of her and try to score. Looks like he is going to get to do both. I cannot stress enough how hot Julie Brown is in this movie. Her death scene is fucking brilliant too. It’s not a spoiler, you knew it was coming!

rocktober-blood

“Okay Billy. Time to rock and roll, here we go.”

12:24pm

Rocktober Blood

The movie opens with those words and then some really boss metal comes screaming from a totally shitty metal band called Rocktober Blood. Billy is a douche frontman and of course, he has banged the cute backup singer chick, Lynne Starling. She goes into the studio to belt out some bitchin’ lyrics: You’ve got rainbow eyes! You’ve got RAINBOW EYES! She and the producer decide to call it a night. The killer wears combat boots! The producer gets his throat slashed while she gets nekkid for a dip in the hot tub. Yup, everything is just fine.

Billy is one creepy psycho bastard. He apparently kills 25 of his fans (off camera), kills the engineer, some random rock chick, tortures Lynne, gets caught, and is executed. Two years later, Lynne is now the leader of Rocktober Blood. At their tour announcement party, Lynne gets harassed by Billy. But wait! He’s supposed to be dead! What gives? My copy of this film is a little gamy. The whole top of the screen is just slightly purple and makes every scene look a little trippy. Someone is definitely trying to drive Lynne crazy.

Break out the leotards and the Flashdance routines, Lynne and her buds are working up a sweat. The girls are arguing and it’s pretty amusing because they have these adorable southern accents. Uh oh, watch out for those very scary combat boots. This is kind of slow. Oops, I just dozed off there. I don’t think I missed anything.

They decide to dig up Billy’s body. The body in the grave looks like a funhouse skeleton (its eyeballs are still intact). Hilarious. Lynne is kind of a bitch. She hollers a lot. If she was a little nicer, people might be more inclined to protect her from danger. She might even be able to convince someone that Billy is back from the dead. The twist of this movie is absolutely horrid and insulting to the viewer.

All hell is breaking loose on stage and the drummer just plays right on through it all. Wow! What this movie lacks in excitement it makes up for in comedy and a high body count. I love the killer’s microphone stand/axe thingie used to gut the dancers. I get up and dance to the closing song. I promise you there was air guitar in my performance.

hideandgoshriek

“Fear? Fear!?! Fear is not in my vocabulary!”

1:59pm

Hide and Go Shriek

Some duder who likes to wear makeup picks up a hooker and knifes her. Now we’re off to the suburbs where some rad high school aged teens are getting together for a partay. Screw the spell check, I know what I’m doing. They hop into a minivan because they are going somewhere, I guess. Oh wait, the teens are gonna hide out in the store that is owned by one of the goofball’s dads. Sorry there’s a lot of mumbled dialog in this one. What they don’t know is that the guyâ€™s dad has hired this super creepy ex-con dockworker and he lives in the freakin’ store!

If I were to judge this movie just on the quality of the teenage victims then I would call it AMAZING. Some meathead just stood up and shouted how they are about graduate from high school and go on to do “great things”. Lovely. What better way to liven things up in a dark and creepy furniture store than with a game of hide and seek. The couples are sneaking around, getting it on, drinking champagne, being obnoxious, etc.

Well, the killer isn’t the creepy dockworker in the basement. He has a tattoo of a snake on his hand and this killer doesn’t. Or maybe there are two killers. Or maybe I have no idea what the damn hell is going on. There are lots of creepy mannequins (which I like) and overly dark scenes (which I am not as fond of) in this flick. The characters are just running around and being friggin’ morons. The virginal chick just did a striptease for her boyfriend. This is just like real life.

Every time the killer claims another victim, he takes their clothes and their identities just long enough to kill someone else. That is the saving grace of this movie. That and the funny performances. First Bonnie was screeching and now everyone is screeching. Perhaps they are shrieking. Whoa, nice decapitation! Oh, ha ha ha! You will never guess the ending of Hide and Go Shriek, my friends. It is wrong on so many levels.

Nap Time

I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Four movies down, yahoo! I crash out on the bed for about 45 minutes. When I wake up and go out into the living room, LeEtta walks through the front door and hands me a small Styrofoam container full of leftover sushi from lunch. And she has brought me Vitamin Water. It’s like waking up into a magical dream. She heats up her leftovers from Gino’s (the Italian place next door) and Margie has tuna fish and a tomato. My lunch was so huge that five pieces of sushi are just fine for me. Time for the next movie.

sweetsixteen

5:14pm

Sweet Sixteen

The film opens with the completely agonizing song called “Melissa” and a nude scene from Melissa herself. Then Sweet Sixteen turns into an entirely different movie. There are a bunch of redneck fuckwads attempting to commit a hate crime on a cool old Native American duder but his hunky grandson, Jason Longshadow, steps in and kicks some ass. Melissa is there and she picks up some kook named Johnny. They get high and her dad catches them. Wait, she is fifteen years old? Wow. Oh yeah, duh, the title of the movie.

Anyway, Johnny gets wacked (and not the good kind) while he drinks alone out in the old burial ground. His buddy Hank and Hank’s sister Marcy are moderately upset about Johnny’s death. They live with their dad, Sheriff Dan who is played by Bo freakin’ Hopkins. This movie is pretty different from other slashers I’ve seen. The Native American angle is very unique and not too exploitative.

I love Melissa’s fake bad girl routine. She hits on a jock duder and it is funny as hell. Of course, any boy who gets involved with Melissa gets offed. Suspicion falls on old Grayfeather, Jason Longshadow’s grandpa and the rednecks decide to dole out their own brand of justice. Marcy and Melissa have it out at Johnny’s funeral and it is melodramatic magic. This means Melissa can finally stop being a total asshole. At her sweet sixteen party, Melissa is radiant. I think everything is going to be all right. Oh wait. There is some cool slow motion stuff happening. Uh oh, all is not right. I won’t spoil ANYTHING for you. This is a very, very different slasher. I dig it.

aerobicide

6:48pm

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout)

I think this was made in the 80s! After an amazing opening song, there is a tanning bed malfunction. Next up is some super sexy aerobics footage with lots of women wearing leotards and lots of makeup. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a magical place called Rhonda’s Workout. After closing, a beautiful black chick gets killed with a giant safety pin. One of the females employees of Rhonda’s likes to go through the men’s lockers to inspect and admire the jockstraps.

Morgan the detective is a bad ass duder. He shows up to question people about the murder. Everyone suspects some chick named Diane because she is super creepy. Rhonda Johnson owns the place and she is a super bitch. Whoa. There is an awesome fight scene between Chuck (the new guy) and Jimmy (the creep). Their muscle-bound brawling would kill a normal, wimpy guy instantly.

This movie features lots of crappy music and more aerobics footage. Aerobicide totally blows but it is also completely brilliant. The bodies just keep piling up and then Jimmy (the creep) has a weird sex fantasy after getting a concussion. After this scintillating insight into the mind of Jimmy, he gets killed. Damn, this movie is like watching a Member’s Only jacket fuck a pair of legwarmers, only not as sexy. Oh wait, Jimmy is alive. Then who the hell was that other guy?

I know he’s supposed to be our hero or whatever but Chuck (the new guy) is a jerk. You can’t have a rake fight with only one rake you fool! The aerobics footage remind LeEtta of the classic film, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I command her to log onto Amazon immediately and purchase that DVD. There is a chase scene and I hate this movie so much that I just start scribbling in black ink over whatever notes I was taking. When the Aerobicide theme song starts playing again (Aerobicide! Working out until you die!), I get up and do some mock-aerobics for the amusement of LeEtta and Margie. It feels good and only moderately humiliating, especially after how traumatizing this film was.

slumberpartymassacre2

“This Sunday is my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”

8:21pm

Slumber Party Massacre 2

Her name is Courtney. She is a dreamer. She is dreaming about horrible things, especially events from the first movie. She is the little sister all grown up. She is in a cool band with her friends. That is the good news. Her mom is an overprotective weirdo and her sister Valerie is in a loony bin. Courtney has to beg her mom to let her go away for a weekend with her band. She gets what she wants so she and her band go to a big empty condo. Courtney’s nightmares get worse.

There is a whole Nightmare on Elm Street vibe to this one. It is all very surreal. Champagne and corndogs and a slow motion pillow fight. Two idiot jerks show up and spoil all the fun. During her first night at the condo, Courtney has even more dream sequences and literally gallons of blood. LeEtta points out that there would be no movie without the dreams. I agree but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This film is trippy as hell and I love it. Everyone thinks Courtney is crazy. Sally’s pulsing little pimple turns into one of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen in a horror film. There is a Sixteen Candles moment and then everything just goes nuts. Nothing and everything is real. The killer looks like a skinny Andrew Dice Clay. This is an absurd music video. This has great lighting and great everything. Slumber Party Massacre 2 needs less rockabilly and more metal. Oh snap! It was all just a dream. Or was it. There really is no answer!

Goodnight

After the supreme majesty of Slumber Party Massacre 2, I decide to call it a night. I could go for another film but I made my 7 films per day quota for this moviethon plus I still have chores in the morning. I spend the rest of the evening organizing my notes and thinking about SPM2. I guess the only real dud today was Rocktober Blood. But was it really a dud? How could anything that bad be bad? You know what I’m saying? Now that I think on it, Hide and Go Shriek maybe wasn’t so good. Shut up, Richard! You’re not being nearly gnarly or radical enough for this moviethon.

Saturday

I woke up early and felt very refreshed this morning. I didn’t dream of a man with a drill guitar which is rather surprising. After a trip to 7-11 where I get an apple fritter the size of my head and LeEtta gets coffee for herself and Margie, I finish the morning chores. It is very hot outside and the air is pretty rank. Wow, it isn’t even June yet and it is sweltering. Well, everything is taken care of. Let’s do this!

cheerleadercamp

10:03am

Cheerleader Camp

I really like the music for this one. Allison is going through lockers in a dark gymnasium while the camera stalks around her. She is having a really obvious dream with heavy-handed symbolism. In the first 6 minutes of this film, a fat man gets his ass stuck in a van window. Miss Tipton welcomes us all to Camp Hurrah. Chicks are bickering and Brent is “hot to trot”. I love Cory. She is the mascot who has to “go through life as an alligator”. I will use quotes in every sentence from now on.

There is a moment when the girls are sunning themselves and it is the most unnatural scene ever staged in a film. One girl is already dead and it looks like a suicide but you and I know differently. Allison is full of doubts about herself. She pops pills, brushes her hair too hard (which reminds me of Tawny Kitaen in Witchboard), and has visions of bleeding out of her face. Oh no, why are Brent and Timmy the fat duder rapping? Allison goes looking for sodas. The creepy chef tells her to the freezer which she does. Inside, she starts chugging milk. Oh yeah, and she discovers the dead chick’s body.

Miss Tipton is banging the sheriff in a very funny scene. What the hell kind of a cheerleader camp is this? I hope they aren’t paying much for tuition. Allison and Cory are so deep. They have great philosophical talks. I’m wondering if this is a slasher movie. Oops, spoke too soon! Someone just got hedge clippers jammed into the back of her head.

At the big party, the camp has hired a band that is part punky, part metally, part new wavey, and all terrible. For lack of a better term, I refer to this band as “badical”. Bodies start piling up and everyone flees the scene except for our trusty cheer crew because someone has sabotaged their van. Timmy is a genius. Instead of running for his life, he stays in the woods in hopes to film the killer. We’ll miss you, Timmy. Holy shit, awesome ending. What a great way to start the day!

sororityhousemassacre

12:43pm

Sorority House Massacre

We start with some excellent music and a girl in a hospital bed. She is Beth and something bad has happened. Next thing we see, she shows up at a sorority house. Meanwhile, a madman in an asylum named Robert AKA Bobby starts howling and generally freaking out. Wow, this is really trippy too. Lots of dreamy slasher moments in this moviethon. Weird mannequins, dripping blood, and lots of slow motion photography. There are even shots from SMP2.

Next we meet Sarah, a plucky sorority cutie and my favorite character in the movie. This takes place on Memorial Day weekend. How ironic since we are watching this on Memorial Day weekend. Beth is having visions of a killer duder but her biggest problem is her awful outfit. I am digging this film already. There is all kinds of psychobabble and pseudoscience in this. It seems that Beth and this killer are psychically connected.

While Cindy (the stuck up chick) is gone, Beth and the girls sneak into her closet and try on her clothes in a sweet montage full of big shoulder pads and big boobies. I feel conflicted. The madman escapes from the asylum (“That was easy!” LeEtta comments (and she’s totally right)). The boyfriends show up and couples are arranged by height. There’s Andy, a goofy dumbass. Come on, Sarah! You can do better than that. A text from my friend Brad says that people call this film a Halloween rip-off. Ha! That’s pretty funny, I didn’t even think of that.

LeEtta the perfectionist notices that none of the lights are on in the house but the TV works just fine. The idiots find the murderer’s weapon hidden under a brick in the fireplace. They hypnotize Beth and she sees more and more of her past. She is the sole survivor of her brother’s massacre and- Whoa! Those are some huge bobbins on Tracy. They’re like titacular flesh missiles with nipple warheads.

Bobby shows up and the fun begins! This film mixes dreams with reality quite nicely. The revelation comes and it is pretty heavy handed at this point. The writers think the audience are a bunch of morons and are too stupid to follow along. Man, where would slasher movies be if people just kept hitting the killer when he’s down? How about we sever the head or bash a skull in for a change? Oh well.

curtains

2:10pm

Curtains

Brad (who is several states away) and I synchronize our DVD players and fire up Curtains. This film opens up ostentatiously enough with curtains opening. Very nice. A director, Johnathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), and his lead actress, Samantha (ohhhh, Samantha Eggar), go to see a psychologist and she flips out. Oh wait, she wants to get committed so she can study for her role. That, my friends, is a bad plan. So she’s in the loony bin and preparing for her role in the lead in the play called Audra. Of course, Stryker abandons her there.

Months later, Stryker is auditioning some chicks for Audra (at his house?) and oh snap, Samantha has escaped from the asylum with revenge on her mind. A rape scene turns out to be just a bored couple role-playing. Isn’t that sweet. Creepy doll moment! Hey, this movie is awesome. Patti, the comedienne chick, is great. She will probably be getting the best lines in this film and then the “perverted kid at the gas station” scene happens and I am totally right!

At the creepy old house, the tension between the actresses all vying for the same part is cranking up. Samantha makes her big entrance and I have to say she deserves to kill the shit out of Stryker. The guy is a major douchebagel. In a standout scene, the ice-skating chick finds that creepy doll buried in the snow and then the super freaky killer comes after her in ice-skates, wielding a scythe. That is what I call slasher perfection. Why the fuck is this film so hard to find? The stalking scene in the theatrical prop storage room reminded me of Blood and Black Lace. This is really good.

Short Break

I take Shadow out for a walk and it is very weird outside. It is also excruciatingly muggy out. The clouds are just hanging in the sky. If there is a breeze, I sure as shit can’t feel it. Once Shadow has finished relieving himself, I rush home as quickly as possible. Time for another movie. This next one is brought to us by the magical internet. I’ll be watching it on my computer.

hospitalmassacre

4:10pm

Hospital Massacre

Harold gives a little girl a valentine and she doesn’t respond very positively. So he kills her little brother. Flash forward 20 years and the little girl is all grown up. Her name is Susan (Barbi Benton). She has a freaky ex-husband and a daughter. This music is fantastic and this acting feels very TV movie of the week. Susan is going to the hospital for a routine checkup and things are immediately very bizarre. Yay! Another weird flick for the moviethon!

She gets on an elevator with some crazy person who is eating a hamburger dripping with ketchup. The killer shows up and he is a freaky duder in full surgeon’s regalia who grunts and breaths heavy. The killer switches Susan’s test results with that of a dying patient so that she has to stay in the hospital for more tests. This friggin’ movie is so damn strange. It is hospital freaky freaky!

Susan is on a table while a creepy doctor (who may or may not be the killer) is giving her an examination. It is cold, clinical, tense, and very off-putting. In fact, this movie is starting to get under my skin. It is making me uneasy and not in a good way. Susan gets lost in the seemingly endless halls of this hospital. The killer’s manipulations of the hospital bureaucracy is pretty brilliant. And the music! Every time the killer claims a victim, this odd chorus of female voices plays over the soundtrack. It’s rather Suspiria-like. I will never set foot in a hospital again.

Cigar Break

Shelly has come over though she is not exactly joining the moviethon. She, LeEtta, and Margie are going to a drag show. Yeah, I typed that correctly. I will be left alone with the slashers for a little while this evening. Out on the patio, Shelly smokes clove cigarettes (now marketed as clove cigars because of some ridiculous law) while I smoke a very dark Cain cigar. It is muggy and my Arizona watermelon drink is no help in cooling me off. When we get back inside the girls take off for true adventure.

slayerthe

7:05pm

The Slayer

I text Brad to let him know that I started this film and he does the same. You see, I’m not alone! The Slayer starts with a wicked nightmare sequence and I am hooked already. Our main lady is named Kay and she is haunted by some crazy visions. She and her husband David and another couple (her brother Eric and his wife Brooke) are going to spend a their vacation in an isolated beachside house. Kay might be disturbed. She is definitely an artist. They arrive on the island and it is gloomy and creepy. Major foreshadowing here. This is gonna be so good.

The guys are chill (even though Eric is a total dick) but the women folk are real complainers. The creepy caretaker is warning them about the coming storm but you know he’s talking about so much more. Some weirdo on the book is talking to himself when- Whack! Oar crushes skull! Take that, under-developed character. Where has this movie been all my life?

Brad makes a good point: “Nice to see adult characters in a slasher.” The storm comes and things get super spooky. Severed head awesomeness! Okay, that was just cool as hell. David is gone so everyone goes looking for him. Kay’s hair is almost as frightening as this movie – major helmet-head. She thinks the thing from her dreams is going to kill them all. Oops, they gave her sleeping pills. The dread is creeping in. Now Kay is alone and fighting to stay awake. This easily the scariest film I’ve seen in a while. Fucking awesome.

Long Break

I call up Brad so we can discuss The Slayer and we end up bullshitting for an hour and a half. Woops. I guess I could have watched a movie in that time but hey, we talked about slashers! I get off the phone so I can walk to 7-11 for some dinner. I get a hot dog and a Coke Slurpee. There is a storm in the distance and there is lightning in the clouds. For some reason, the parking lot of 7-11 and the parking lot of Gino’s are jumping. People really freak me out. I keep waiting for the machetes and knifes to come out. After laying waste to my dinner, I put on another film.

slaughterhigh

10:25pm

Slaughter High

Bitchin’ metal music, man! Caroline Munro pretending to be a high school student? All right. She and her dickhead friends stage a rather elaborate prank on Marty Rantzen, the school’s biggest nerd. Oh great, I just saw that dude’s dick. Man, these high school students are ancient. And the cruelty just won’t stop. The next prank goes too far and Marty gets blown up and hideously burned in the science lab. Fast forward some years and Caroline Munro is an actress with a sleazy manager. I love the way this is filmed.

I can’t tell if Munro is really awful or if it is her putrid American accent. Everyone in this movie is so obnoxious. And now the music sounds like plonky fart sounds. All these prankster assholes show up at the reunion and no one else. They break into the now condemned high school to party while a thunderstorm kicks up outside. The British actors are all trying to pretend to be Americans. This is the high school reunion that you bring a machine gun to.

A douchebagel drinks a poisoned beer and his guts explode. How quaint. All kinds of crazy shit starts happening. The idiots are locked in and the bars on the windows are electrified. Nice gore effects! If you decide to watch Slaughter High, prepare yourself to root for the villain and youâ€™ll do just fine. All the bodies disappeared! Queue the theremin. The chase sequence at the end goes on too long but the ending is excellent. The biggest problem in this movie is Caroline Munro’s wardrobe. She is wearing this white Abba paintsuit with Bea Arthur shoulder pads. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.

Goodnight

The girls return from their evening at Hamburger Mary’s where they witnessed a drag show. Once Slaughter High is over, I grab my guitar and strum along while listening to the stories of the crazy stuff I missed. When things die down and folks have sufficiently sobered up, we call it a night.

Sunday

Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t get the characters from Hospital Massacre or Slaughter High out of my head. It was a slasher crossover of epic proportions and it was more than a little hallucinatory. To calm my racing mind, I thought about guitar pedals and effects loops. BAM! Instantly asleep. And then BAM! Acid reflux. Less than an hour later, I was in the kitchen munching on saltines and chastising myself for eating garbage after 10pm. Sigh, thems are the breaks. I slept like a rock until 10 in the morning. I know I dreamed but I don’t remember my dreams. My body needed the sleep but I’m still annoyed. Only 6 movies yesterday? Lame. That just means I have got to get righteous today. Okay kids, bring on the corpses and boobs!

splatteruniversity

10:54am

Splatter University

Somewhere in New York City, or Jersey, or some other godforsaken place, there is a crazy people ward with a bunch of annoying patients acting stupid. One of the patients finds a knife. Then some nurse with a terrible attitude gives an orderly and another nurse some grief while she smokes casually in the hallway. She is unbelievably hot. The orderly gets stabbed in the dick and we’re off. After a charmingly simple synthesizer-infused credit sequence, I fall in love with this film. Then it’s St. Trinians College three years later. Then a chick gets killed. Then it’s St. Trinians College one year later. What the hell?

Miss Parker aces her interview with the priest at St. Trinians. He warns her that her classroom is jinxed and that a girl was murdered there. I like this chick. She’s a little frumpy but she’s got a lot of class. But maybe she’s a secret hottie. Oh no, we are introduced to our future victims and they are horrible. It’s a bunch of lunkheads that weren’t charismatic enough for their Jersey Shore audition. I am going to tell you right now, I fucking hate the fuck out of these fuckers. I can’t tell if Splatter University is funny or thinks it’s being funny. We might have a case of unthinkable sarcasm or sub-irony here. I’m guessing this is a comedy. That makes me feel sad.

The first day on the job, Miss Parker gets in trouble when the students bring up abortion for debate topic in her sociology class while a priest is observing. My favorite character is Tony. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with a girl with huge hair. She asks him if he brought a condom and he tells her he’s already wearing it. He’s just a genuinely charming guy. Speaking of charm, this movie has loads of it. The cheap look, crappy sound, recycled footage, and infantile performances actually work.

I thought Slaughter High had the least likable characters of the moviethon but oh no, this is where all the jerks are at. Miss Parker is cool and I was right, she is totally a secret hottie. And she’s the only person that doesn’t make my skin crawl. She starts dating Mark, the suspicious professor who lies about knowing the teacher who got killed in her classroom. The murders are piling up and I’m just thinking to myself, “I wonder what the next flick in the moviethon will be.” Splatter University is good for a laugh or two but it’s not what one might call essential. I am very happy when it is over.

memorialvalleymassacre

“Besides those yayhoos couldn’t punch their way through a wet cracker anyways.”

12:19pm

Memorial Valley Massacre

From dirt cheap to only moderately cheap. The opening sequence has wretched muzak and stock footage. Cameron Mitchell? That’s all I needed to know! Cam is a big blowhard who is opening Memorial Valley for the public before it’s ready. His son David shows up looking for work and he is required by law to give him a job. David takes a lot of grief for being boss’s son from Ranger Webster. Oh, what’s this? There is some kind of a caveman causing trouble for the campers. No seriously. Did I mention this is a comedy?

Memorial Valley Massacre is a parade of wrong down a dead end street. The caveman is kind to the animals and all of the campers are stupid scumbags. It’s nature vs. city folk and we are all going to lose no matter what the outcome. The terrible fat kid goes for a spin on an ATV and the caveman takes him out. I’ll be damned if this isn’t entertaining. Deke, the cool old black guy, tells David about how Ranger Webster’s kid was kidnapped but never found and the police suspect that his body is buried somewhere in Memorial Valley. I’m ashamed for the screenwriters now.

A bear is blamed for the fat kid’s death and Ranger Webster refuses to shut the place down. He rounds up a posse of idiots with guns to go looking for the bear. This film is incalculably terrible and yet I like it. I just wish Cameron Mitchell would come back. Sigh. Today is going to be long and painful. One guy gets speared in the stomach AND throw into a pit of spikes. Margie asks if that’s overkill and I say that there I no such thing as overkill in a slasher movie.

The caveman finally meets a girl trampy enough to talk him through lovemaking but he gets too excited and breaks her back. Ugh, when is this going to end? Margie, LeEtta, and I have lots of questions for this movie. Why does the caveman not have a beard? How does he know how to operate a bulldozer? These will never be answered but at least we have them. That one chick notices that it’s Memorial Day and for some reason all hell breaks loose immediately. Stuff happens, the credits roll, and I feel like trying crystal meth for the first time. Screw it! Time for the next film.

dormthatdrippedblood

2:03pm

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

I don’t know who to trust. I don’t want to get attached to any of these characters. I’ve been hurt so many times before. Some guy gets strangled and just for an added bonus the killer cuts off a couple of his fingers. The movies are happening to fast for me to process them. That cute chick from other movies is in this. Her name is Debbie. She is somebody named something. Zuniga! Daphne Zuniga. There are people cleaning out a dorm, I think. There’s a girl on the phone and she is upset because they were going to take 75 tables and now they don’t know what they’re doing. SHIT. Maybe the crystal meth wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Debbie is going home for the holidays with her ugly parents. I’m not kidding, her parents are insanely ugly. Oops, now they’re all dead! See, that’s why I shouldn’t get close to people. Now that Debbie is gone I don’t know I’m be able to keep going. So now Joann is the girl we are supposed to be following. I feel so ashamed. I don’t want anyone else to die. This movie is pretty good so far.

Let me just make it clear right now that I am having trouble writing down my thoughts because they are nonsense. Joann is having doubts about her relationship with a guy who looks vaguely like Krist Novoselic (before he want bald). Some creepo has been sneaking around Dayton Hall and causing problems but he really just wants to be around people. He lacks the social graces! And he might have stolen a drill. I like Patty. She is cute and she has the hots for somebody. Her boyfriend Bryan isn’t going to be too happy about that.

So they’re in the dorm, the phone line it cut, and the lights are out. It is that simple, my friends. There are some cool scenes and I know that I am not doing this one justice. Gruesome kills. Nicely shot. Awesome score. Smart final girl which is always a plus. And that ending is wicked brutal. Oh jeez. I did not see that coming.

preythe

“Gypsies always go away, don’t they?”

3:34pm

The Prey

I put on this DVD from Cinema de Bizarre. It looks like their source is either the Japanese VHS or the laserdisc. Oh goodie, kids going camping. Gayle (beyatch), Bobby, and some dudez. And there’s a park ranger. Nature footage. The killer has monstrous creature hands. This is okay. A snake eats a mouse and people are mumbling around the campfire. One dude starts telling a story and we get a flashback to some gypsies telling a story about a killer. Levels of reality, my friends. Levels. Fuck, these fuckers can’t tell a fucking story to save their lives. The sepia tone for the flashback fades away but we’re still in the past.

Some gypsy has sex with a lady. It was totally consensual but she claims rape. Now everyone hates the gypsies. The people who shot this crap were in love with making movies and not watching them. Where’s Johnny Depp? He’s supposed to be a Chocolat gypsy, right? LeEtta points out that these are decidedly European gypsies. What are they doing in Great Depression era America or whatever? This damn gypsy party is going on forever and forever.

I am getting the distinct impression that this was two unrelated films joined together to make a mountain of suck. There’s lots of sex in this movie and everyone is panting and moaning and hissing. I fast-forward through a couple of these sex scenes. Sorry. Most of the music for this film sounds like stuff from the library archives. Despite the unrelated gypsy footage and the obviously padded storyline, I still love the ending.

Short Break

Me walk dog. Me hear screams of children. Happy screams. The sun is burning my brain. Me come back. Me wash face. Me get second wind. There is a dead snake.

dontgointhewoods

5:36pm

Don’t Go in the Woods

[The following is a transcript of audio captured with a handheld voice recorder.]

[beep]

Richard: My name is Richard. It is 5:36 on a Sunday afternoon and I am about to press play on Don’t Go in the Woods. But before I do that, I am going to mention that my wife LeEtta and I went outside and picked up a dead snake. It was not something that we are collecting but we decided to pick it up and throw it away because it was going to rot and get all stinky. And the maintenance people are off today because of the holiday weekend so we took care of the rotting corpse of the snake.

And now we are going to have some dinner shortly- Oh, we washed our hands. Let me make that abundantly clear. And we are going to watch a movie. There’s a pork roast in the oven and LeEtta is frying up some vegetables and I believe there is going to be some rice. So, I will start this movie now.

[beep]

This is what is known as a backwoods slasher film. The reason it is called backwoods is because it was filmed in the woods out back behind the community college. There were over 6 backwoods slasher movies make during the 1980s. This is one of those 6. What you need to know about this movie is that it takes place in the backwoods. There are trees, creeks, sticks, branches, water, sunlight, there are probably caves, and there might be nighttime when the sun goes down. If that is a spoiler, I apologize.

[beep]

I should mention that there are campers in this movie. Campers are people that go into nature in order to camp. They often like to bring short shorts or sleeveless shorts. Sometimes they are prone to humping. Sometimes they are prone to arguing and getting lost. These particular campers are very attractive people. They were born in the 80s and therefore the movie takes place in the 80s.

So far we have seen one person get killed. This person was not a camper. This person appeared to be a nature observer or a scientist. This person was killed with an object of sharpness. It was not clear what it was but his face got hurt and his arm was cut off. Then there was screaming and the camera cut away. I’m not sure what we missed but I am sure it was very exciting what we didn’t see. This is a movie.

[beep]

One surprising aspect of Don’t Go In The Woods is the presence of cameras in urban settings. In something that resembled a police station in a city or town there are people talking and there is a woman who is dubbed. That is not her voice. I’m not sure how they can show an acting without sharing their voice. There is a man with curly blond hair who is talking but I can’t hear what he is saying because I am recording this. There is a fat sheriff in this movie. A frighteningly fat sheriff.

This is film is made with film and it is old looking despite the fact that it was made sometimes in the 80s. It looks old as though, for instance, there were things that look old about it. Sometimes the camera is out of focus. I believe that this is an artist measure to keep us squinting and fearful of what is going to happen in this horror movie. Please wait while I watch the horror movie.

[beep]

I just want to say here and now that this is probably the greatest film ever made out in the woods with a Farah Fawcett rug on the ceiling of a camper. There is a woman who says things. She has a hawk-nose and she says horrible things. And there’s this guy named Dick who’s her lover and he keeps repeating himself over and over again. And I think perhaps he has earn an Oscar for his performance several times over. Fifteen honorary Oscars for every moment he is onscreen. And now Dick is dead. Poor Dick.

[beep]

My mother-in-law believes that aviator sunglasses are racist because more than just aviators wear them. It seems an unfair stereotype to refer to those sunglasses as aviator sunglasses. I need to point something out about this movie while I am talking about it. There are people being stabbed and there is blood flying everywhere.

LeEtta: Furry hands!

Richard: My wife said something about furry hands. She may be saying something-

LeEtta: The attacker had furry hands.

Richard: She may be saying something not related to the movie. But I believe she said the attacker had furry hands which means that the attacker is one of those people that dresses up like a panda bear and has sex in convention halls.

[beep]

One thing that many people don’t realize about Don’t Go in the Woods is that it is a dialog driven movie. For those of you who are dialog lovers, this DVD has provided you with the remastering . The music is loud, the screaming is loud, the sound effects are loud, um… Unfortunately the dialog is mixed very quietly so you may want to turn on the subtitle option so you can figure out what’s going on the movie. There is no subtitle option on this movie because deaf people can’t hear. So who is going to type it up? A bunch of listeners? I don’t believe that’s fair or right or just. This is American, people, let’s see what we can do.

[beep]

One of the aspects of Don’t Go in the Woods is the wondrous music used throughout this film. In particular is the music used when the killer -who is a mountain man- shows up in his fur-wrapped baton talon knife javelin sword with the people he is trying to kill. It is a curious sound and my wife has identified it as a bouncy rubber ball. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. This sound when you hear it, it means run because that means the killer is coming.

There are t-shirts in this movie and tents and roots of trees. Um… I haven’t seen any insects but I am assuming there are insects. There are jeans and t-shirts and rocks in this movie. There are also branches of trees. LeEtta asked the question why do women have the baggy shirts and why do men have the tight shirts. And the answer is obvious. Those aren’t women. Those are men. Very, very sultry men.

LeEtta: In aviator sunglasses.

Richard: Don’t be a racist. It’s not about aviator sunglasses. Do you want to be in a street fight? Then don’t wear your aviators! Don’t wear your aviators!

[beep]

Hellos this is Richard again. We have reached the hour mark and we are done with this movie. I just want to make a note of that. This movie should be ending. Um… So… Just letting you know that.

[beep]

Far be it from me for criticizing a movie for being different but- Wait a minute! What the fuck? I was just about to talk shit about this movie because the girls are out of commission. One girl dead. One girl in the hospital. But they just went on this little hunting party to go find Joanie and they brought Ingrid along to help collect evidence. And of course, she’s completely traumatized, wrapped in a blanket, and staring at a bloody machete. And… there’s one other thing. She looks like a boy!

LeEtta: She does. She looks like one of the Weasley twins.

Richard: Ohhhhh. Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

[beep]

Okay, this is Richard and the movie is over. LeEtta would you like to share your thoughts on this film?

LeEtta: Oh my God.

Richard: Could you elaborate?

LeEtta: There’s a little girl in the woods and she’s-

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: No, there was always a little girl in the woods.

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: In the beginning there was… axe. Axes?

Richard: Axe me a question, I’ll tell you no lies.

LeEtta: I forgot what the [unintelligible] was. [laughing]

Richard: That was my wife. So Margie, would you care to comment on the movie?

Margie: I didn’t get to see the whole thing.

Richard: What did you think of what you saw?

LeEtta: The Teddy Bears’ Picnic!

Margie: It would be a spoiler.

LeEtta: It’s the Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Richard: That is awesome. That is a perfect closing song for this perfect movie.

[beep]

initiationthe

7:28pm

The Initiation

This movies starts off with some neato synthesizers and dolls with their heads ripped off. A little girl is seeing her mommy bang a strange man. Her father walks in, flips out, fights with the stranger, and then dies in the ensuing fire. It was a dream! Flash forward to some awesome sorority chicks in lingerie standing over the waking Kelly (Zuniga again) and chanting.

Next thing, we go to a madhouse with some crazy patients. Could Kelly’s dad be alive? No way! The mean old nurse can’t control the patients. Zuniga has more dreams/nightmares. Hey, this is a smart movie. But don’t fret, there is time for melodrama (dead serious confessions) and clowning around (sorority and fraternity pranks).

She has to help the sorority girls break in to her father’s department store. The pledges’ mission is to steal the uniform off the hunky security guard there. They don’t know that the poor bastard is already dead. The bitchy sister from hell has something up her sleeve so the girls get a big scare. This is really good. How the hell did I wait so long to watch this? Time just flies. Never a dull moment. I wish I had more to say.

houseonsororityrow

“Aim at that sack over there.”

9:13pm

The House on Sorority Row

Please note: For some reason, I lost the ability to take notes during this movie. I could neither type nor write them down by hand. After I begged her to help me, LeEtta agreed to take over. Here is what she wrote down:

Hello, this is LeEtta reporting.

Sorority babes just graduated and stick around to help clean up the house.

Balloon looks like a boob.

Hey, so the house mother is the lady giving birth in the first scene.

It’s an uprising!

Uh oh! Doc is giving the lowdown on Ms. Frazier’s (the house mother’s) craziness.

A GUN, A GUN.

Hey, that gun is loaded.

Oh damn, accidental death.

Richard says: The one thing that really dates this movie is the band.

Richard says: That’s more Peter than I can handle!

Richard says: Ah! I love the knowing glances.

Hey look, old fuses.

What’s with the saggy bottom boys?

“I’m a sea pig.”

That is a fantastic figure to put clothes on.

Yeah! Put the body in the dumpster.

Dead bird in cage.

Richard is making suppositions about Peter.

In case of emergency, call Doc.

Hide body in open grave – ingenious!

Why the hell is Doc sneaking up on people with hypodermic needles, yo?

Crazy awesome lighting cool hallway shot killer in a mask head in toilet

OH NOES – KILLER ISN’T DEAD!

The Last Short Break

Margie heads off to bed, wishing us the best of luck. We hit the showers for a last bit of energy to get through the last movie. We are relatively delirious. I slam my Mountain Dew just to make sure I can stay on the ball.

intruder

11:01pm

Intruder

I found the laserdisc of this for 50 cents once and started watching it. During the first few minutes I checked IMDB and found out that it was the censored version. I immediately turned off the movie and then totally forgot about it. So here it is, finally. Uh oh Jen is having guy trouble. Her ex, Craig, shows up at her job at the grocery store just before closing and starts making trouble. In fact, he pretty much kicks the asses of all the dudes that work there and then takes off to parts unknown in the store. LeEtta wakes up (I didn’t even noticed that she had dozed off) and decides to call it a night.

The tension builds immediately and you just have to wonder where the hell this is going. The Raimi boys are in this and they are friggin’ great. They catch Craig and throw him out of the store. While waiting for the cops to come, the boss drops the bomb on them; he’s selling the store and their employment ends at the end of the month. As an added bonus they have to stay late repricing the entire store. Jen reveals to her pal Linda that her jerky ex actually killed a guy in a bar brawl so she broke up with him.

This movie is an indie spectacular. There are lots of crazy experimental shots and all kinds of character dynamics and development that you don’t normally see in a slasher. I love the way this is building. What in the world is going to happen? When does this turn into a horror movie? Okay, Linda just got whacked. The dark sense of humor of Intruder just showed itself.

One by one everyone is getting knocked off in increasingly gory ways. There is a table saw scene that reminds me of the one in Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue only done way better. This film is just cool and clever and bad ass. This flick is just way, way over the top. What I love about Intruder is that it feels like something I would have caught on cable back in the day and loved immensely. I love it now (even if it’s a little long-winded).

12:41am

Conclusion

This moviethon, more than all the others before it, feels like it was a very long journey. I can’t remember what movie I started with. And I feel like a different person than the guy I was on Friday morning. When I turn off the lights and walk across the bedroom, even the darkness is disorienting. I can feel the blood of all those murders swirling around me as my brain pulses and these invisible waves roll through, distorting my senses. And to think, people take drugs to feel this way. Fools! Good freakin’ night, my friends. Thank any and all of you for joining me on this ultra-slashy 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day.

Final Stats

Total Body Count – 175 (approximately)
Nude Scenes – 37 (boobs, butts, bush, and wieners)

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Warning: Contains graphic language.