Terrible crap

Elvis is my copilot.

This is a chapter from the book called Doomed Moviethon. Get your copy right here!

For some reason, Elvis Presley has never really appealed to me. I’ve heard some songs I liked but it wasn’t until LeEtta and I started binging his films on cable when I realized that I kinda love the guy. The appeal of Elvis movies are really hard to explain. They’re basically great and the really bad ones are even greater. They’re like James Bond movies. Exactly like them. I didn’t pull any quotes from these movies because well, I don’t think they’re very quotable. This could also be called The Norman Taurog Moviethon.

FRIDAY

After a quick trip to the grocery store for weekend supplies and dinner (subs from a fancy restaurant called Publix), we eat and then I clean the litterbox. I may have washed my hands once or twice. Let’s get this shit started. There’s a stack of 25 Elvis movies that aren’t going to watch themselves. You’re the hound dog now, man!

6:31PM – JAILHOUSE ROCK (1957)

This black and white number features our beloved hero being a total dickhead. Elvis plays Vince Everett, a construction worker who accidentally kills a man with his bare hands and goes to jail. His cellmate named Honk or Hunk teaches him how to pay for sex with cigarettes. Then Honk or Hunk teaches Vince how to play a diminished 7th chord on the guitar and how to sing. Big shocker: the kid has a knack for it!

The dickishness begins when Vince immediately screws over Honk or Hunk when he gets out of prison by not honoring the contract they carved into a prison guard’s back. Now a famous rock and roller, Vince transforms into the terrible person we’re sitting through a movie about. His angsty sarcasm is grating but his dreamy eyes keep drawing me back in. This tedious melodrama is based on true events. The weirdest moment comes when Honk or Hunk walks Vince’s dogs until their feet bleed.

8:11PM – FLAMING STAR (1960)

Now here’s one we’ve never seen before. Elvis plays Pacer Burton, a half-Native American so yeah, this is going to get very topical. LeEtta is smitten with Steve Forrest who plays Pacer’s Caucasian bro who just doesn’t understand. I don’t blame her for her crush. Elvis looks like a stick figure next to him when they have their shirts off. The movie explodes when some Native Americans ride in and kill some of their friends. Tomahawks and flaming arrows are flying and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Can I turn this off now?

The incongruous fashions are fun at least. It’s a period piece but that all stops with the wardrobe department. The day for night filters are just confusing. Buffalo Horn wants Pacer to join their army because a war with the white man is coming. I think this film had its heart in the right place but the portrayal of Native Americans just ain’t working out. Hopefully, Elvis’s other westerns are better than this. Barbara Steele was going to be in this, but she was replaced by Barbara Eden and all of her scenes got cut. It’s probably for the best.

SATURDAY

Well, we’ve hit a snag. I woke up with a wicked sinus headache. Yardwork was almost impossible, especially since it’s July in Florida. When the back wheels of the mower fell off, I decided to stop.  After a shower and a nap for me, our friend Kat comes over and we go to a late lunch at Senor Tequila, my current obsession. We get home and I put on the first and rather late movie of the day.

3:11PM – VIVA LAS VEGAS (1964)

Elvis plays Lucky Jackson, a race car driver entering the Las Vegas Grand Pricks. That wasn’t a typo. Ann-Margret’s legs show up and lucky is immediately competing with an Italian count (Cesare Danova) for her affections. If you like tacky shit then this film is a feast for your senses. The best sequence is when Lucky and his boyfriend go looking for Ann-Margret by hitting all the shows in Vegas. Assuming that she is a showgirl and not a doctor or a lawyer is sexist. They finally track her down at a swimming pool where she works as a lifeguard. Now they are singing together? Is that a thing in these movies?

Lucky’s luck runs out when he loses a wad of cash in the pool and can’t buy a motor before the big race. It’s okay because Ann-Margret’s butt makes everything okay. When this fabulous couple dance on a giant roulette wheel, I think it’s a metaphor for anal sex. Ann-Margret can’t handle the idea of Lucky getting in a car wreck so they break up. It all works out when he buys her a tree. It’s a metaphor for 69ing.

4:45PM – BLUE HAWAII (1961)

In one of my favorite Elvis movies, Elvis plays Chad Gates, a G.I. returning home to Hawaii. Chad’s lady friend named Maile (Joan Blackman) is waiting for him on the tarmac just in time to see him macking on a stewardess. In the car, he sings to Maile about how he was “almost always true” to her. Unbelievable! Chad avoids his overbearing family because he doesn’t want to work in the pineapple factory. This movie is so good because almost nothing happens in it. I miss painted backdrops. This movie is so dreamy already and I want to doze off.

To piss off his overbearing parents (including Angela Lansbury as his mom), Chad takes a job as a tour guide. Things get complicated when a sexy teacher and her teenage jerk students need to be shown around the island. Our friend Kat has pointed out that Elvis’s face just looks confused when he’s rocking out and now I can’t un-see it. The World’s Biggest Fuckhead award goes to Ellie. She falls for Chad and tries to seduce him with her subtle-as-a-tidal-wave teen sexy ways. When Chad flips out and spanks her, we all start screaming. There’s 1000 songs in this movie and one of them is about Chad’s pal who eats too much.

6:29PM – DOUBLE TROUBLE (1967)

The only thing that I remember about this film is that it sucks. The opening credits are a swingin’ good time of camp and the opening musical number is guitar porn for me. Elvis plays Guy Lambert, a singer on tour in England. His manager is a British schlub. Elvis looks bored and I don’t blame him at all. Guy is romancing a girl named Jill and it’s like watching a funeral. A joke just happened in the movie and we all nearly smirked. It turns out Guy’s love interest is a schoolgirl posing as an adult. Woops!

There’s a stolen diamond plot that makes me excited about this movie. Now someone is trying to kill Jill. A black-gloved killer?! Giallo tease. There’s so much corduroy in this film that I’m starting to chafe. Elvis starts singing the rock and roll version of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and now I know why people hate these movies. Director Norman Taurog is the devil. Diamond smugglers and an inheritance scheme? Who cares? Elvis just jumped out of a window to escape this film.

8:05PM – SPINOUT (1966)

My brain is mush and this is only the fourth film of the day. I know I’ve seen this before but it’s all a blur. Elvis plays Mike McCoy, a musician slash racecar driver. Shelley Fabares is in this. You may know her as the voice of Martha Kent in that Superman cartoon. I like her. We’ll see her again in a more memorable movie later. Mike plays a friggin’ rad guitar and his band has a girl drummer that’s melting my heart. Some lady is following Mike around while taking notes and watching him through binoculars. I hate it when that happens.

Elvis has returned to his dickish ways in this movie! Mike refuses a $5000 gig because of his principles not even thinking about his bandmates. Take the money, goofus. The woman following Mike around is writing a book about the “Perfect American Male”. It’s Diane McBain. You may know her as Pinky Pinkston from the Batman TV show. Help me. I’m drowning in my own references. Bless you, Google™. The plot is this: Mike doesn’t want to get married. It’s dumb as balls and the shitty jokes are awesome. This is like watching every Elvis movie at once. I think the song “Smorgasbord” is about having multiple STDs.

SUNDAY

After sleeping in very late, we put on a Lawrence Welk record and have bagels and coffee. It’s French Vanilla iced coffee for me with, get this, NO SUGAR! I feel infinitely better than yesterday but I think 25 movies may have been a little overly ambitious on my part. Crisco pukes up his breakfast. After breakfast, I do chores and then make a horrible mistake: I put on Harum Scarum [sic]. Let’s get this bullshit over with.

11:31AM – HARUM SCARUM (1965)

This opens with a movie within a movie bit. So it’s like a turd-filled donut and the donut is made of shit. Elvis plays Johnny Tyronne, a singer/actor on a goodwill tour of a country called Kibblestan(?). He falls for a princess and gets kidnapped. This movie has more white people done up as middle easterners than I am comfortable with. To be fair, I’m comfortable with exactly none. The king of the assassins has seen Johnny’s karate and wants him to kill the king. He says no and so they whip him. The costume designer should be whipped. According to trivia, the director himself designed Elvis’s terrible costume in the movie. What?

“I must seize the doorknob of opportunity whenever I hear a knock.” Did Shakespeare write this? I’m very concerned about the safety of the peacocks in this film. Who was the peacock wrangler? I hate to say it but man, this movie sucks ass. This is still the worst Elvis movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Tickle Me (1965). Everything that happens in this movie is either flubbery embarrassment or vastly inappropriate. Next!

1:58PM – EASY COME, EASY GO (1967)

After grilling up some bacon, hotdogs, and asparagus, we start up a film. In this, Elvis plays Ted Jackson, a lieutenant in the navy who disarms underwater mines. After discovering some treasure in the ocean, Ted and his crew enlist the help of Jud, played by Pat Harrington Jr. AKA Schneider from “One Day at a Time”. This guy is an inventor and a scum-sucking pig. He invented the Wheel of Women™ that you spin to help you choose your next conquest. It has women, their phone numbers, and measurements. It’s nicer than the one LeEtta and I have in our rumpus room.

Some supporting actors make this movie bearable. The yoga song is completely insane. Elvis plays a real dick in this one too! He’s trying to steal the gold from the wreck which belongs to someone else. He also says that treasure hunting is no job for a girl. Boo! Everything gets even more convoluted when some Aryan Nation Blonde Ambition Tour looking motherfucker gets involved and wants to steal the treasure for himself. Plotty plot plot and I don’t care.

3:35PM- CHARRO! (1969)

Ooh, I’m digging that spaghetti western-style credit sequence. Let’s see. This was filmed in Arizona and Hollywood, California and not Italy or Spain. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess. Elvis plays Jess Wade, a cowboy going around asking if a woman has been asking for him. Huh? Victor French (of “Highway to Heaven”) is in this as the villain. He and his cronies have a golden cannon with silver wheels. Things get nasty when he burns Elvis’s neck with a hot poker which probably smelled delicious. Put some of that on a banana and peanut butter sandwich.

After taming a wild horse in 5 minutes, Elvis goes to meet up with someone who may or may not be his dad or something. Whatever, Elvis is pretty good in this. I wish he’d gone to Europe and had made a real spaghetti western or a Jess Franco film. I’m going to say this even though everyone knows it: ELVIS PRESLEY HAD FUCKING TERRIBLE MANAGEMENT. Ina Balin plays his love interest in this movie and hoo boy, she is frickin’ hot! I wish Charo was in Charro! Her cutchi-cutchi could have livened this up a bit. While I eat cherry pie that LeEtta made with ice cream, I dispassionately watch as this film drowns in its own stupid. I’m like Phil Collins!

5:16PM – CLAMBAKE (1967)

I’ve decided that we’ll only watch Elvis movies that we actually enjoy for the rest of the day so LeEtta picks Clambake. Wow, this DVD looks like complete shit. Elvis plays Scott Hayward. Scott doesn’t want to be vice president of his daddy’s oil company, so he switches places with his buddy Will Hutchins (who was in Spinout) so he can be a waterski instructor. Elvis’s rival in this is Bill Bixby! Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Oh snap, we’ve got a Florida movie on our hands. Well, some Florida exterior shots anyway that feature an Elvis stand-in that you can’t quite see so good.

Like most guys, Elvis just wants to know if a woman loves him for him and not for his millions of fancy dollars. Shelly Fabares is in this. Hell flippin’ yes! By my count this was Elvis’s 25th film. Holy shit. Boat racing? That’s his real passion. And mine! The highlight of this film is Elvis singing “Confidence” with a bunch of kids at a playground. It’s ridonk. More guitar porn in this film! I want to jump in the movie and steal all of these stringed things. We spotted a very picturesque mountain range in the old Florida skyline.

6:57PM – SPEEDWAY (1968)

Elvis plays Steven Grayson, a racecar driver. Enough bullshit, let’s have some fascinating racing footage! Nancy Sinatra shows up as an IRS stooge who has it in for Elvis after his manager (Bill Bixby again!) royally fucks up their finances. After the scintillating racing footage, everyone goes to Birdie’s, an insane diner/nightclub that looks like the inside of Herbie the Love Bug’s asshole. Speaking of insane, Nancy Sinatra’s hair in this is totally deranged. LeEtta says that she looks even more bored than Elvis. It’s not a huge surprise that this was her last movie.

While Elvis tries to save his pal and destitute family who’re now living in a station wagon, Bixby is trying to fuck everything in sight. At least I think that’s what is going on, I’m not really paying attention. Ross Hagen from The Side Hackers (1969) is in this. He’s always great. That’s still my favorite MST3K episode because I know you were wondering. There’s thunder rumbling outside and making me want to watch something gory and violent. Speedway is kind of great.

8:35PM – IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR (1963)

Now the E-Man is a pilot named Mike Edwards who cares more about divebombing girls than the chemicals he’s dumping on potato crops. His moron friend named Danny, who has a gambling addiction, runs afoul of some bad people so they have to leave town fast. Mike’s constant womanizing will likely get him killed as well, so whatever. My favorite scene: Elvis walking through a screen door. That got an actual laugh out of me. Mike and Danny’s plane gets impounded so they go out on the road to make some cash. I guess they’ll blow dudes for money or blow each other in front of other dudes for money.

They get a lift from a kindly Chinese man (Kam Tong) who has a niece AKA the most adorable little plot device that ever walked this planet. Her name is Sue-Lin and she’s oh so precious. Mike takes Sue-Lin to the World’s Fair because her uncle has to blah blah. This movie is how I got into World’s Fairs and now own several of my own. I’m funny!

Mike feeds the kid 85 pounds of junk food and then has to take her to the nurse’s station where he meets his love interest Diane (Joan O’Brien). She’s into him but because Mike is a walking penis, he fucks it up. Oh little Kurt Russel, you little scamp! Who knew that kicking Elvis in the shin would make you turn into him? What else? Um, Yvonne Craig is in this one and Danny is a real piece of shit. This isn’t my favorite Elvis movie but I think it’s one of his best.

MONDAY

Last night, my sinus headache returned so the idea of another movie was out of the question. There is also the possibility that Jason Voorhees -wearing a pair of blue suede shoes- kicked down my door and chopped my head off.  After sleeping in, we have breakfast at Brunchies and then go to Lowe’s for plants and replacement mower wheels. After some grueling yardwork, I quickly run out to pick up a cigar and some lunch.

12:48PM – G.I. BLUES (1960)

Struggling with our yard has put me in a terrible mood. Make me happy or die, movie. Elvis plays Tulsa McLean, an army duder with a tank crew stationed in Germany. He and his buds are trying to raise some cold hard cash for a nightclub in Oklahoma. I’m not going to encourage these goofballs because they’re taking bets on who can bed a girl named Lili. They actually have money riding on whether or not Tulsa or some other creepo named Turk can nail this poor woman. The saving grace to all of this disgusting crap is that Elvis is on frickin’ fire in this one.

Ooh! Letícia Román from Mario Bava’s The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963) is in this one! There’s lots of silliness that makes the dumb bet get more complicated. While Tulsa is trying to woo Lili, he sings “Pocketful of Rainbows”. It’s a fantastic song. Holy shit. Then Elvis takes care of a baby and then he mocks people a lot. My buddy Nafa joins us (he’s an actual Elvis fan and a reason to keep going!) just in time for some dreadful post-dubbed dialog slapped clumsily into this film.

2:35PM – ROUSTABOUT (1964)

Elvis plays Charlie Rogers, a dick. His character is nowhere near the dickitude of Jailhouse Rock but yeah. He works in a dive bar where he angers some frat boys by utterly humiliating them. There’s lots of drama. Charlie gets arrested after using karate on the frat boys and the hot waitress lady bails him out. Then she slaps his face. Nice! It’s all very desperate. On the way to the way to the next town, he gets run off the road by the only guy in the movie who’s a bigger shithead than he is, a drunk carnival employee named Joe Lean (Leif Erickson).

Joe’s daughter Cathy will be our love interest for this 101 minutes of Elvisness. She’s played by Joan Freeman of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984). Maggie (Barbara Stanwyck) the owner of the carnival has the bright idea to give Charlie a job until his broken motorcycle is fixed. The carnival is in trouble with the bank and the competing carnival tycoon is a total doucheknuckle. More importantly, Charlie is treating Cathy like shit already. He didn’t even wait until marriage!

Drunk ass Joe Lean is bringing me down. I want to jump inside the movie and slice his throat to put everyone out of his misery but I don’t want to make him a martyr. We all have a good time soaking up the dreadful dialog featuring the secret language of carnies. The tension of the dunk tank sequence is palpable. I actually feel really anxious during it. Then the movie comes to a complete stop while Charlie drives his bike around the Wall of Death. Ugh.

4:18PM – FOLLOW THAT DREAM (1962)

It’s time to return to Florida. And there are actual Florida locations this time! Elvis plays Jethro Clampett. Just kidding, he plays Toby. He and his family of hicks are too dumb to function. This film establishes its tone super fast by slowing down. They find an abandoned beach and take advantage of a zoning loophole in order to do some expert squatting. This movie is quaint and kind of brilliant. Nafa points out that Elvis isn’t cool in this movie, he’s just a clever simpleton.

The mafia moves in and sets up trailers for some illegal gambling. Their cunning street smarts are no match for hillbilly wisdom. Queue the good natured fight sequence! The hot social worker lady has the hots for Toby but that’s too bad for her. He says he isn’t into girls because he doesn’t want all the bother. So he’s asexual. Just say it, movie! Arthur O’Connell is in this. I always mix him up with Jack Albertson.

CIGAR BREAK

I light up a Casa Fernandez cigar and drink some iced tea LeEtta made with a side of Gatorade. Nafa and I shoot the proverbial poop while we watch the rain come in. I’m definitely not asexual! I try to count how many films we’ve covered so far and I literally don’t know. Let’s just say that it’s not the projected 25 titles. Woops! It got nice and cool out when it rained, then it went back to being hot again. Time to get back to the Elvis creature.

6:52PM – KISSIN’ COUSINS (1964)

The military wants to put a missile base on Big Smoky Mountain. Since Admiral Josh Morgan (Elvis) comes from hillbilly country, they want him to negotiate with the Tatums, some stubborn mountain folk, for the deed to the area. The likelihood of tomfoolery and hijinks is very high. Hold on! There’s two Elvises in this one!? Or is that Elvi? Jody Tatum is Josh’s cousin and he’s blond. This is ridiculous! I’ve never seen the great Elvis Presley in something as silly as this before! I hope these two cousins start kissing soon. Yep, two Elvis Presleys kissing. Talk about your special effects!

Arthur O’Connell and Jack Albertson are both in this one! WTF? Are they cousins? Did they kiss? LeEtta and Nafa say that they’ve both seen this film before but wow yeah, it’s new to me. The female cousins are hot! Jody looks like he stole a wig from William Shatner. The negotiation scene with the Tatums and the military is turning my hair gray. Kissin’ Cousins is the most sexually charged film in this moviethon. Even for Elvis, this is a weird one. I’m not sure where I end and this movie begins. Nafa and I agree that this is a prequel to Rambo.

8:39PM – GIRL HAPPY (1965)

I’m calling it. This is the last film. It’s my favorite Elvis film of all time so we might as well go out with a bang. I wouldn’t call this my most successful moviethon. Much like Elvis Presley’s film career, it was equal parts wildly fun and fucking terrible. Elvis plays Rusty Wells, a musician in Chicago. He and his band travel to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to keep an eye on their boss’s daughter. Their boss is Big Frank (Harold J. Stone) who’s a professional sexist. His daughter is an enchanting “nerd” named Valerie (Shelley Fabares once again). Of course, she’s actually super cute so Rusty and his band of goofballs will have to earn their money.

I really want to check into the Sea Drift Motel. This is the greatest film ever made. All of the fake sets, rear projection, and kooky idiocy of Hollywood corniness that we need is right here. Pair this with Spinout and you’ll never need to see another Elvis movie again. I must say that Brentwood Von Durgenfeld AKA BVD is an MVP. Rusty’s pals aren’t a big help when it comes to being helpful. Their idea of keeping Valerie distracted from her Italian stud suitor is to chase after wild chicks in padded 60s bikinis. Nothing spells “beach time fun” like Elvis refusing to take his windbreaker off. You need to see this.

The Spirit Of ’76 Moviethon

spirit-of-76

In the summer of 1976, when I was 2 weeks old, men in black cloaks came to take me away. My family was living in Great Falls, Montana when one afternoon someone banged at the front door. My mother answered with me in her arms and asked these mysteriously garbed individuals what they wanted. They told her that they had come for her son. Frightened but headstrong, my mother held me closer and told them to leave immediately. Perhaps it was something in her eyes or her voice that stole their resolve but the men in black cloaks quickly retreated from the yard. Only feeling safe after she had shut and locked the front door, my mother looked at her young son and realized that he was something special.

Now the story keeps changing and I’m probably embellishing it here. When I first heard this tale from my mother, there were men in black cloaks. But recently they have morphed into just one man dressed as a monk who came to take me away. I have no idea if this story is true and my mom is very vague on the details. But that’s what she told me. Whatever really happened that day, it seems to me that it had something to do with horror.

The theme of this moviethon is all things 1976 but there is a twist. The rules are simple: 1) the horror films in question have to have been released sometime in 1976 (not just in theaters at the time) and 2) they have to be titles that I’ve never seen before. So many fantastic things happened in that magical year such as The Omen, Carrie, Werewolf Woman, Plot Of Fear, and Burnt Offerings but I’ve already friggin’ seen them. Oh well, this moviethon is about mining for the unknown in hopes of beholding the wonderful (and terrible) discoveries waiting for me in my birth year.

For further preparation, I looked at newspapers from 1976 on microfilm to see what was playing in theaters that year and I also watched 1976 TV on the blessed Youtube. “The Charo TV Special” was especially entertaining although almost all of the jokes centered on how no one could understand what she was saying. In order to truly envelop myself in half-assed research I picked up the 1976 edition of one of those Remember When booklets at our local Bob Evans (random facts appear below). That’s like receiving a master’s degree for the entire year!

Friday

The usual Friday afternoon post-work stuff is made particularly awful by the wicked humidity. We hit the CVS on 56th street so LeEtta can have wine and then we quickly pick up some dinner (Wendy’s salads are almost healthy). Once dinner is consumed and everything seems to be in order, it is time to begin. The lousy foulness I’ve been experiencing all through the day have melted away now that things are about to start. This horrible hypochondria has been haunting me ever since the werewolf moviethon was almost ruined by a dang head cold.

makojawsofdeath

“Okay, shark-boy, I’m gonna break your fin.”

5:17pm

Mako: The Jaws Of Death

First, a little back story on obtaining this film. I found a VHS copy of The Jaws Of Death on Amazon used for less than a buck. When I got the tape and tried to convert it to DVDR, everything went to shit. My VCR started making this high-pitched whine and the film was playing in a terribly distorted and unwholesome manner on my TV screen. Even though I figured it was a lost cause, I brought the tape to my friend Nafa who is something of an expert at VHS repair. After unspooling and re-spooling the entire tape and running it through an impressive looking tape-cleaning machine, we got it to play again and I managed to get it on DVDR, finally.

After just a few minutes into this flick, I’m already regretting having Nafa go to all the trouble rescuing this piece of shit. Sonny (played by Richard Jaeckel) loves sharks. I mean really, really loves them. He gives them names like Mattilda and Sammy. Unfortunately, he’s totally naïve to the ways of the world (that’s putting it nicely) and puts his trust in a pretentious scumbag like Mr. Whitney.

Down at the world-renowned Rustic Inn, we have the lovely Karen (played by Jennifer Bishop), an underwater dancer, and her sickeningly obese husband Barney (played by someone named Buffy Dee). They soon discover what a total sucker Sonny is and quickly take advantage. These people want to use him and his sharks for some reason or another and it’s all going to end in tears and blood.

Whoa, this movie almost just redeemed itself. Getting to see Sonny’s 1,000 yard stare is pretty priceless. I love how everyone takes turns shitting on this guy when he is clearly deranged. Sonny rescues Karen from some would-be rapists and one of them is Harold “Oddjob” Sakata. After an awkward kiss between Sonny and Karen, I realize that Sonny has probably never kissed a non-shark person before. Uh oh, things are going south as Sonny realizes he shouldn’t have trusted these evil people.

Man oh man, between the endless underwater scenes and all the poorly lit nighttime scenes, this is one murky ass movie. Take the poor quality of the film and match it with the cheapness of the videotape and the end result is more than a little challenging to watch. Thankfully, I can still see Barney in all of his sensual glory. Of course, Mako: The Jaws Of Death has all the tension and drama of a bathtub fart. Oh good, a flashback sequence! This explains everything! I want to go to sleep now. If there was ever a time to nap during a moviethon, it is right now.

As the climax of this ass festival gets closer and closer, a horrible realization has just hit me: I’ve seen this film before. How depressing is that? I go out of my way to avoid films I’ve seen before and this sneaky bitch turns out to be a (happily) repressed memory or some shit. Oh Florida, why do you want to hurt us with your hurricanes? And it’s over. Sonny got his revenge but the angry townsfolk got their comeuppance when he was eaten by his own sharks. I hope that by revealing a big whopper of a spoiler like that encourages everyone to avoid Mako: The Jaws Of Death.

Random 1976 Fact: The “Son of Sam” claims his first victim in July.

Cigar Break

After that Jaws Of Death business, an early cigar break is essential. The father-in-law hooked me up with a fistful of cigars last time I saw him so I’m all set in that department. The weather has changed. A steady breeze has kicked in and the humidity has been lifted making this July evening quite pleasant. I smoke a Bohio cigar and wash it down with some Arizona green tea. Very nice. The cigar isn’t rolled very well and is falling apart in my hands but the flavor holds out so I’m satisfied. Once that’s done, I head back in for another flick.

driveinmassacre

“Do you really wanna talk to that piece of puke?”

7:32pm

Drive-In Massacre

Drive-In Massacre introduces itself with some fake Santana opening credit music. Seeing that the magic of the drive-in has been captured on film forever, I’m already feeling good about this one. The couple getting hot and heavy in their car at the beginning has a problem: the guy is too busy watching the movie while his chick wants to jump his bones. This is the 70s, you friggin’ moron, you’re supposed to get it on. Better hurry before the AIDS comes. That is just so sad and it’s even sadder now that they’ve just been brutally murdered by a psycho killer who is stalking the drive-in. Whoa, that cheap gore sure is sweet and sassy.

The miserable cops, Detectives Mike and Larry, show up to question the owner of the drive-in, Mr. Austin Johnson, who is described as being the “perfect asshole”. Johnson just said “wang-bangers” and I think I’m going to have to strive for perfection myself. We are introduced to Germy, our special buddy, who’s wearing what looks like a Peter Pan hat minus the feather and who has the illustrious job of waving the cars in and picking up trash. Now the soundtrack sounds like three disjointed organ grinders playing at once. So it’s as perfect as Mr. Austin Johnson.

The film slows down for some psychobabble and some dull police procedural stuff but it hasn’t thrown me yet. The cops are a real riot shaking down their chief suspect, the local pervert who utters the line: “I just wanted to beat my meat!” I just saw some boobs; the first of the moviethon. In order to catch the killer stalking the drive-in, one of the detectives dresses up in drag for a goofy stakeout. You’ve got to love a slasher flick where half of the characters are ex-carnies.

Drive-In Massacre slows down AGAIN for a carnival sequence and then some boring crap in a warehouse. Hello Arlene! Why hasn’t she been in the rest of the picture? Oh yes, this is all going to end in tears. The open-endedness of the finale is absolute genius. A little nod to William Castle, I think. This is a marked improvement over Mako: The Jaws Of Death, to say the least.

Random 1976 Fact: Life expectancy is 72.9 years.

deathatlovehouse

“She’s evil and this house is rotten with her memories.”

8:56pm

Death At Love House

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, E.W. Swackhamer and Aaron Spelling AKA The Dream Team! Joel (played by Robert Wagner) and Donna (Kate Jackson) visit the mansion of Lorna Love to help Joel write a book about the dead Hollywood legend. There’s a cat named Nosferatu, a ghostly figure running through a courtyard, and some mention of the Malleus Maleficarum (which LeEtta points out as being totally out of context here). Spooky stuff, let me tells ya. But I’m really just afraid of Joel and Donna’s friend Oscar who always shouts when he speaks.

John Carradine kicks ass as usual which is good since the plot just ain’t doing it for me. Joel’s dad was one of the mysterious Lorna Love’s lovers and… Well, there are some sepia-toned flashbacks. That’s great. Beware the duder in the black goat’s head cloak. His name is Father Eternal Fire and he was a holy man “of sorts”. Was he the one who tried to steal me as a baby?

Things start getting freaky when we meet the nutty Marcella (played by the legendary Joan Blondell) and hey, hang on a minute! That’s the luscious Marianna Hill from Messiah Of Evil as Lorna Love. Score! The scene where one of Lorna’s films comes to life and starts calling to Joel is surprisingly well done and hypnotic. Oh shit, Donna is getting the cold shoulder as Joel becomes more and more obsessed with the dead actress.

Death At Love House is pretty tame and the plot is convoluted as hell but I’m having a good time. The film has a decent full-bodied soundtrack and the climax (despite the cheese) is awesome. Of course, everything has to go up in flames. Whoa, that denouement was abrupt. LeEtta expresses her dissatisfaction with that super quick wrap-up and I am in total agreement. So I guess everything just turned out okay then. That’s just like in real life.

Random 1976 Fact: “Afternoon Delight” by The Starlight Vocal Band is a number one hit.

Saturday

You know, I’m starting to get sick of the whole “something must go wrong every moviethon” bit. We decided to call it quits early last night so that we could get a jump on the films. Ha ha, a jump indeed. We get up bright and early, go to the gas station, fuel up, and the car won’t start. Luckily, a guy there is nice enough to get my 1978 (not ’76) Ford Thunderbird going again with a jumpstart. At AutoZone, we find out that my battery is toast. Luckily, it was still under warranty, so we get a new battery for $2. We immediately get breakfast, hit the grocery store for moviethon supplies, and head back home.

foodofthegods

“My name is Morgan and I play football.”

10:10am

The Food Of The Gods

Bert I. Gordon brings us a flick that I could have sworn that I’d seen before but after only a few moments of this schlocky nonsense, I realize that I’ve seen its 1989 sequel. Morgan (played by Marjoe Gortner of Starcrash) delivers some crummy foreshadowing in his voiceover. To sum things up: nature is sick of mankind’s BS and is making animals grow all big and stuff. The end. Okay, there’s more to this film than that but it’s all logic free cheese.

Attack of the giant rats! Attack of the big rubba bug! Attack of the giant rooster! This is anything but dull, that’s for sure. Oh crap, those giant maggots are really nasty. Ida Lupino is very charming as the perpetually freaked out Mrs. Skinner. Careful lady, they’re using the old good scientist/bad scientist routine on ya. Some of these lame effects are starting to get to me already. Well, look at that, the homely chick named Lorna the actress I had a major crush on from Legend Of Hell House! She fell down a hole? What a dumbass.

Why do giant rats make cat noises? Whatever the reason, these rat attacks prompt my wife to start laughing like a madwoman. I am starting to strongly dislike the treatment of the rats in this movie. They’re shooting them with paintballs, knocking them about in little explosions, and drowning them for the climax. Hmm, that really took the fun out of this one. I rarely get worked up about animal rights but that seemed excessively cruel to me. God, I’m such a whiner. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: A new car costs $4,557.

clownmurders

“I’m sick of his God-damned jokes.”

11:45am

The Clown Murders

Any film that starts with a rousing game of polo has got to be good, right? Ugh, 7 minutes in and I already don’t care. Come on, duder, this has a good ominous soundtrack, give it a chance. I’m talking to myself already. Speaking of animal violence! There’s a gratuitous chicken beheading. Hmm, is that better or worse than the rat torture from Food Of The Gods? Whatever, this film is Canadian, they don’t have the same rules that we do. Fat jokes and headless chickens? Can do.

This strange ass flick is well acted but the plot is ridiculous. Our “heroes” cook up a plot to kidnap the lovely Allison in order to stop some land deal from going through. This is one of those seemingly innocent but idiotic schemes where things invariably go very wrong. It doesn’t help matters much that one of their gang is crazy Charlie who still has a thing for Allison. I think my initial allergic reaction to The Clown Murders may have been too hasty. This is such a bizarre little thriller with a knack for building tension. After the POV stalking kicks in, I feel more at home.

This Rosie guy is a complete piece of shit. LeEtta would like him to be the first one to die. His name is Rosie. You know what? There is some creepy business buried in this movie. There’s a killer stalking these folks but that’s not central to the plot. Or is it? I’m certainly surprised by all of this. Adventurous viewers, this batshit flick is waiting for you. Then it just goes on this total exploitation bender. Okay, that’s John Candy rape.

Oh, this would have been perfect for Doomed WTFiethon. I’m not sure about this film. It’s gone from horror to exploitation but I… I’m speechless. It’s the weirdest one so far. Either way, this is equal parts boring, entertaining, and painful to watch. Talk about your roller coaster shifts in tone. This beast is unclassifiable.

Random 1976 Fact: The Pittsburgh Steelers are the Pro Football champions.

Short Break

Nafa calls to say that he will be joining the moviethon festivities in a little while. He informs me that people are crashing their makeshift planes into a nearby lake. That sounds reasonable but way less entertaining than this hot movie action. LeEtta makes some guacamole dip which we devour and then it’s back to the flicks.

creaturefromblacklake

“All right, big creature, here we come.”

1:42pm

Creature From Black Lake

This soundtrack is very, very special. Could this film like actually be good? My expectations for a Bigfoot movie are rock bottom, so this flick’s got a fighting chance. Our two main goofballs, two old college students named Reeves and Pahoo, are traveling to the swamps of Louisiana to find Bigfoot. Is Pahoo slang for something? ‘Cause it sounds awfully dirty. Pahoo is obsessed with hamburgers and French fries. And just like me, he’s all fired up about Cajun women!

This flick is done surprisingly well and well acted even. Legendary lazy-eyed Jack Elam plays Joe, the crazy old freak who had a negative experience with the creature (it ate his friend). So, I guess that explains why he has a doll in a noose in his shack. Them there Bigfoot creatures do that to a man. Holy crap, that is one hot waitress there. Pahoo and Reeves are going to gather evidence with the height of 1976 technology: a tape recorder.

Orville is a good old boy with a story to tell (strictly off the record). We meet his pappy who is played by the incredible Dub Taylor. Don’t even mention the creature around this guy. Whoa, Pahoo just flipped out. Now Reeves and Pahoo are picking up chicks. Two bad one of the girls is the daughter of the sheriff. That might be problematic. Jeez, these guys are crappy anthropologists. Maybe they can tell me what hole the company that released this shitty pan and scan DVD are hiding in.

This movie is entertaining as hell… sometimes. There’s lots of comic relief. Guys, come on, stop arguing! We have got to stick together! Well, the creature isn’t all that impressive but at least they keep it hidden pretty well. Wow, what an awful ending. So that’s it. Really? To answer that question, we are tortured with some wimpy ending song with pitiful lyrics that I’ve already forgotten.

Random 1976 Fact: Nelson Rockefeller is the Vice President of the United States.

Almost Nap

I decide to take one of my world famous power naps. I get about 10 minutes into it when LeEtta knocks on the door and tells me that Nafa has already arrived. So, I don’t get my nap or the fantastic disorientation that comes afterwards. Boo hoo! Nafa brings me an awesome bicentennial flag which I immediately hang up to inspire us. Thanks to that flag, 1976 is so much closer now.

embryo

“I don’t want to kill! I don’t want to kill! I just want to live!”

3:38pm

Embryo

Uh oh, this one opens with a very important message that sends chills up my… Well, not my spine, that’s for sure. Ladies and gentleman, Rock Hudson. Sadly, Doris Day will not be joining us for this bleak and muddled little movie. Hudson plays Paul, a doctor who seems to have lost his way since the death of his wife. So one dark and stormy night, he runs over a pregnant Doberman and gets inspired to try and save the unborn puppies with science. Maybe that constant boom mike dipping into the shot can help.

Things fall apart when Dr. Paul calls his son in the middle of the night and asks for a million cc’s of dog plasma. DOG. PLASMA. His son Gordon is more than happy to oblige. He and his pregnant wife Helen (who was the mom on “Alf”) show up to see a puppy fetus in a big tank and they aren’t fazed at all. I guess when you’re drowning in pseudoscience, everything just seems normal. Paul manages to do a bunch of stuff to so that the puppy fetus is full grown in a week. My God, he’s created a super pooch!

So what do you think our newly mad scientist will do next? Get a human fetus and try it again. This is such a sad little film. He’s smoking in the same room where the baby is developing in the tank. That can’t be good. Okay doctor, we are no longer listening to your gibberish. This movie is dragging. The entire suspense at this point is the horror and revulsion we’re supposed to be feeling at this unnatural birthing. Gee, I wonder why this wasn’t a huge hit.

Now it’s the Helen Keller story as Paul teaches his instant woman (played by the lovely Barbara Carrera) to speak. He names her Victoria and it isn’t long before we know something ain’t right. She tends to hide behind doors with sharp scissors when someone frightens her. Poor Diane Ladd (yeah, she’s in this too). Her character, Martha, is the nails on the chalkboard in this flick. Between Victoria’s wide-eyed disconnectedness and Martha’s smarty pants cattiness, we’re really in a pickle here.

Roddy McDowall is in fine form here (read as: he gets to look incredulous and shout a lot). NO! We’re back in the poorly lit laboratory again. Half of this movie is hard to see and this busted ass DVD doesn’t help either. Can we please just go back to the dog plasma? No we can’t because Victoria needs human fetus extract because Dr. Paul fucked up the growth acceleration procedure because… I think this movie will defeat us.

I love the synthesizer in the soundtrack and there are some eerie moments but damn, this shit will just not end. Victoria starts aging really quickly and her list of victims grows because she just can’t get enough fetus juice. The ending finally comes with a car chase and the rest is just painfully hilarious and overblown melodrama. Nafa, LeEtta, and I are totally confounded. It ends and we’re kind of ruined but the bad movie adrenaline is pumping. Nothing to do but go to Taco Bell.

Random 1976 Fact: Bacon is $1.05 per pound.

Dinner

It’s bright out and very hot. The clouds in the sky aren’t substantial enough to give us any relief from the sun. Nafa and I head out to Athenos to get LeEtta a veggie platter. Like a dumbass, I forget the spanakopita. We park in the Taco Bell parking lot and walk next door to CVS. Nafa grabs some Powerade and I get a 20oz Sunkist (the caffeinated orange soda). After getting stuck in line behind a scattered and bizarrely behaving Spanish family, we walk back to Taco Bell.

Despite experiences from previous moviethons where fast food has done me wrong, I order way too much food for myself and get a big Mountain Dew. Nafa and I jump in the car and head back home. On the way down 56th Street, we pass the legendary Morrisound Studios where death metal bands such as Deicide and Malevolent Creation have recorded their albums. Nafa and I decide that our very un-death metal band should record there as well. Back at the apartment, we find that Shelly has arrived. She and LeEtta are on the patio smoking while Nafa and I dig in. Once LeEtta has eaten and Shelly has ordered her Chinese food, we move on to the next movie.

nakedmassacre

“Who dares come between an Irishman and his drink?”

6:33pm

Naked Massacre

This movie is political because it takes place in Belfast. We see some hot Irish nurses and I begin to suspect that we’re in for a trashy ride. This disgruntled Vietnam vet is going to make some trouble. There’s lots of dialogue about nothing in particular and jump cuts galore. The most priceless scene in the history of film: the bad guy (does he have a name?) paying an old hooker to dance naked while he plays “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica. Okay, she isn’t really dancing so much as spasmodically jerking to the music while her big saggy everything shimmies to and fro.

Things are starting to look very grim for the four of us viewers as this trashy piece of trash finally reveals itself. So this guy kidnaps a bunch of nurses living together and starts raping and killing them. Even worse, he tells them bad jokes. Was Richard Speck really this “charming”? This is some seriously horrible shit. I’d had a just a tiny taste of exploitation with The Clown Murders, this is the real rapetastic deal.

We are all heckling Naked Massacre to keep from screaming. Talk about a totally wrong selection for a moviethon but that’s what happens when you pick a bunch of unseen titles. This is just unpleasant as hell and we’re all mortified and pretty embarrassed. I will say this in the movie’s defense: if I was watching this alone, I probably wouldn’t feel so totally miserable right now. But honestly, this movie just sucks. The end.

Random 1976 Fact: Reese Witherspoon is born on March 22nd.

Cigar Break

We are more than happy to go outside after that. I light up my H. Uppman cigar which is really, really good. It’s got a ton of flavor and it goes very well with Sunkist orange soda. Shelly joins me in the smoking with her cloves while Nafa just hangs out. The summer sun is finally going down and it is much cooler outside. Thank God. I apologize profusely about the Naked Massacre incident but nobody is too upset about it. The “Oh Susanna” scene was almost worth the pain of the rest of the film. It was shitty but not gloriously shitty like Embryo. After the break is over, Nafa takes his leave but Shelly hangs on for more flicks.

landoftheminotaur

“There’s nothing wrong with my capacity!”

9:04pm

Land Of The Minotaur

Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing go to Greece. Flame on, minotaur, flame on! We are treated to a ceremony featuring some retarded KKK-like duders in multi-colored robes. This breathy and weird Brian Eno soundtrack is seriously friggin’ awesome. Then a trio of hippies show up. They disappear and Father Roche (Pleasence) goes looking for them. He calls up Milo, a detective friend from Boston, who looks like Father Ted. Feck!

The locations for this flick are beautiful and there’s plenty of atmosphere to spare. “You’re out of line, Tom!” So Peter Cushing is Carpathian? That’s nice. Of course he’s the ringleader of this busted ass minotaur cult that needs human sacrifices for some reason. He’s the one who is responsible for all the suspicious glances in the village too. Damn, that Laurie chick (played by Luan Peters of The Flesh And Blood Show) is so crazy hot. She’s in peril, people. We need to keep a better eye on her. Mm-hmm.

I refuse to believe you, sensible priest! This movie is really strange and- Ha! I knew it! There are men in black cloaks! Finally, they are here. My mom was right. They came from Greece to get me. So much freakin’ oddness going on here. I want to say that this movie is boring but it is just so awesome. And explosive! So the only minotaur in the movie is a statue? That is rather lame but yet I can’t wait to watch this one again. I think we’re finally out of the rut. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: The Supreme Court votes to reinstate the death penalty.

houseofmortalsin

“None of us is without sin, be sure of that.”

10:32pm

The House Of Mortal Sin

Oh Jenny (played by Susan Penhaligon), you could so much better. Man, this chick is whipped by her scumbag boyfriend. Enter one seriously creepy priest who happens to be one twisted and murderous motherfucker. Father Xavier Meldrum is his name and he kills the boyfriend in a very brutal manner. Father Meldrum isn’t alone in his lunacy. Miss Brabazon is helping the priest keep it real. Brabazon is played by the incredibly creepy Sheila Keith from Frightmare.

The priest secretly tape records people’s confessions, is stalking Jenny, and is killing all the men close to her. Now he’s killing to cover up his other killings. That isn’t very holy behavior, dude. This might be director Pete Walker’s finest hour. We’ve got some great kill scenes, cool cinematography, and priestly temptations. I think the director may have been taking notes from the Giallos for this one. The cyanide sacrament! I saw that one comin’ a mile away.

Unbeknownst to Father Xavier, Mrs. Brabazon is going behind his back and torturing his poor decrepit mother. His mother, mute from a stroke, tries to warn people. The subplot with Father Bernard and his love affair with Jenny’s sister comes to a horrible end as well. Wow, this movie is outrageously cruel, malevolent, and dark. The House Of Mortal Sin accomplishes what many strive but fail to be. I’m looking at you, Naked Massacre!

Random 1976 Fact: “Happy Days” is the number one TV show.

Very Short Break

Shelly is leaving and LeEtta is getting ready for bed. That leaves little old me to fend for myself. Hey, how about if I eat a taco? Buying too much food at Taco Bell earlier was a blessing in disguise. I put sour cream and hot sauce on this taco. I eat this taco. I put another movie in the DVD player. Things are going to be okay.

whocankillachild

“The world is crazy.”

12:23am

Who Can Kill A Child?

Things are not going to be okay. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The very real and very horrifying news footage at the beginning of this film lets me know in an extremely unsubtle way that the fun is over. My God, this introduction is 8 minutes long! The world is chaotic and filled with hate. You will be destroyed exquisitely.

Our biologist buddy, Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn, arrive in a small village in Spain for a vacation. They head out alone to an island nearby where there seems to be no adults anywhere. The children are oddly quiet and very suspicious. The beautiful scenery has given way to an undeniable eeriness. Things are so very wrong on this picturesque island and the children are so ominous, I would have bugged out already.

Who Can Kill A Child? is one of the most frightening and claustrophobic films I’ve seen in a while. The tension just keeps growing. Those kids are gonna be so disappointed. There’s no candy in that old man they’ve strung up and are now beating like a piñata. Tom is trying to protect Evelyn from the things he’s seen. Fuck it, man, these kids is evil. This is like Village Of The Damned on meth.

They find one living adult who relates the chilling story of when the children woke up one night and starting killing all the adults. When Tom finally lashes out against their attackers, it isn’t cathartic like in a regular horror movie. There is no relief. This is a bold and challenging film from beginning to end that shows you inconceivable horrors awaiting our protagonists around every corner. And it only gets worse at the end. Amazing.

Random 1976 Fact: Stephen Wozniak and Steven Jobs found Apple Computers.

whisperinthedark

“Death is a place where no one’s ever happy.”

2:21am

A Whisper in the Dark

I need you right now gothic Italian horror movie. My God, this movie is pretty already. A fog enshrouded mansion? Thank you! We are introduced to a typical Italian family. Normal except for their son, Martino, who insists that his invisible friend Luca is real. Whoa, Martino is one freaky and angry little kid. Well, with horrid sisters like his, I’d be freaky and angry too. Mom of the feathered hair is clueless and dad is John Phillip Law of Diabolik (but is also clueless). Their marriage is on the rocks and their son going nuts is really quite bothersome.

That was strange. Martino describes a dream that sounds like a scene out of Who Can Kill A Child? A self-referential moviethon? It’s hard to focus when this kid is so dang hypnotic. The score by Pino Donaggio is very haunting and adds to the dreamy atmosphere. I know something terrible is going to happen. The family is starting to fall apart and things are becoming more and more surreal. Ha ha! The sisters don’t get to go to the party!

Some comic moments come out of nowhere. I realize that I can no longer be trusted. My notes are getting more and more erratic and it is clear to me that only folks really, really into Italian horror will enjoy this. No, even they won’t like this one. A Whisper In The Dark is visually stunning but is there any substance? The spell of the mysterious specter of Luca is taking over. Joseph Cotten (of Mario Bava’s Baron Blood) is here as the professor whose come to study Martino’s condition. How could a duder this unsettling ever make it as a child psychologist?

The party sequence is so outlandish and beautiful that I have ceased to wonder what happened to the plot. Drinking vodka and smoking in the bath? Jeez professor, when are you going to fix that dang kid’s crazy brain? Oops, he’s dead! I have a funny feeling about this movie but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I love the POV camera angles letting you know that someone is always watching. Leave mom alone, she’s goth. No wonder the reviews for this film were so bad. That ending wasn’t really an ending at all. Mom and dad have screwed and all is right with the world.

Random 1976 Fact: Sonny and Cher resume their TV show, despite their real-life divorce.

Trouble

It’s 4:15am and I just put in the last film of the Moviethon: Mansion Of The Doomed. I’m about 5 minutes into it when I realize that I can’t even look at the screen, my eyes and head hurt so bad. This isn’t fun anymore. I stop the movie and write down this gibberish: “I can barely moves. My eyes are distant shores. Nobody feels this way while my cat coos in his sleep. Sorry almost made it.” I am now going to haul my ass off to bed.

Many Hours Later…

I wake up around 10:00am Sunday morning and I really need to get out of the house. I’m pretty depressed when I wake up. I realize that I have one movie to go and that I should have been able to get through all ten movies yesterday. But then LeEtta reminds me that I should just start giving myself a schedule for these dang things. I feel run down but alive as the wife and I run to breakfast and go catch Hellboy 2: The Golden Army at the theatre. How un-moviethon and 1976-inappropriate is that? Oh well, we get back home and I return to the final film.

mansionofthedoomed

“No! I’m a scientist! No more nightmares.”

3:37pm

Mansion Of The Doomed

The movie opens with some stock footage of eye surgeries that are just plain old nasty to behold. Something tells me that we’re gonna be violating some eyes very soon. Oh great, another mad scientist. I hope this one doesn’t have to send out for his dog plasma. Richard Basehart plays Dr. Chaney who has to conduct illegal and experimental eye surgery on his daughter Nancy. He feels just a tad guilty for breaking her eyes in a car accident.

A very young Lance Henriksen (from Pumpkinhead and a million other awesome things) is on board as Nancy’s fiancé. Dr. Chaney drugs the guy, steals his eyes, and then locks him up in a cage (with electrified bars!) located in the filthy basement of his mansion (of the doomed). When the eye transplant doesn’t take, the very evil doctor starts kidnapping more and more people. God, this movie is great. It’s claustrophobic and perfectly grungy in almost every way.

I sure hope Lucio Fulci got to see this one with all the eye violence and gaping blood-filled eye sockets we get to see. I really don’t like Nancy at all. Waa, I’m blind so my life is over, waa! Well, at least she’s better than the doctor’s washed out assistant, Kathy, who assists the evil bastard in all of his bastardliness. Mad scientists should never have children or wives or friends or colleagues. They’re a goddamned liability. Character actor Vic Tayback is totally underused as the detective trying to find out what’s up with all these empty eyeholes.

Seriously, duders, this movie is messed up. Instead of Eyes Without A Face, this is Face Without Some Eyes. This is just one of the most satisfying horror experiences I’ve seen in a while. Why is Mansion Of The Doomed so friggin’ obscure? Could be that crappy soundtrack. I am consumed by the evil badness of these people keeping their eyeless victims alive in the basement until they starve to death or kill each other. Things go just as bad as they should and everything falls into place just as horribly as it should. It’s all about the eyes.

Random 1976 Fact: Tawny Godin of Saratoga Springs, NY becomes the next Miss America.

The End

This will forever be known as the moviethon that made John Candy cry or at the very least, the cruelest of all moviethons. Sure, I got burned a couple of times but by watching 13 unseen films (with Mako being the sneaky exception) but that’s just part of the adventure. The most startling aspect was their brutality. There were more than a few eye-opening scenes as well as entire films that were just painful to watch with their unrelenting torture of their characters. What can you do with a moviethon with a mean streak a mile wide?

So, have I beaten 1976, the year of my birth? I have to say no. There are too many horror titles released that year that remain out of print and will have to be acquired for a sequel. And once again, I’ve learned that poor scheduling, evil junk food, and OD’ing on caffeine can screw up the whole scene. With Marjoe Gortner as my witness, I will conquer my inadequacies as a moviethoner and become the man that I was always meant to be. I will not let the men in black cloaks win. And mother, I promise, you did not save your son’s life for nothing.

The Doomed Divas Moviethon

doomeddivas-art

I don’t remember the exact moment when I decided to stage the Doomed Divas Moviethon but a dark cloud began to form on the horizon. And it was filled with blood (and chunks of stuff). This sadomasochistic idea of watching Gigli, Crossroads, and Glitter in a row usually elicited groans in the people I told. Some sickos however, were strangely enthusiastic of my proposed endeavor. The response: “Holy shit, please tell me when you’re doing that!” came as something of a surprise to me.

When I got past the fear of submitting myself to something truly soul-destroying and started to actually plan the thing, I conferred with my trusted pop culture guru and friend, Nafa, about what other titles should join the wretchedness. He immediately came up with From Justin to Kelly and winced when I told him that Swept Away would open the festivities. There were other Madonna disasters mentioned such as Shanghai Surprise and Desperately Seeking Susan (which is actually too good to be included). He then suggested Spiceworld and Xanadu while I insisted on Purple Rain (yes, Prince is a diva too) and Can’t Stop the Music (Village People!). Clearly, there is going to be a sequel someday.

So the playlist was set: Swept Away, From Justin to Kelly, Crossroads, Gigli, and Glitter. The key elements here are financial disappointment (unfortunately, Crossroads actually made money, god damn it), unanimous critical disdain, and my own allergic reaction to even contemplating watching these craptacular flicks. So why only 5 titles? Well…

After Giallo Meltdown 3 came and went, the ideas for moviethons were plenty but our new living arrangement made the logistics of a full length moviethon a little more complicated. Back in October of 2009, my mother-in-law Margie moved in with LeEtta and I. At first, I was unsure of what her tolerance would be for some of the truly sick viewing I had in mind. I was also concerned about how she would take to me bogarting the TV for 2 and a half days (standard moviethon length). So what better way to break the ice than with something short and blissfully terrible? Our glittery and bedazzled acid test was about to begin.

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

I’m so glad I set the alarm this morning. We woke up at 9:00 and I could have gone for another couple hours at least. But no time for that, we had errands to run, damn it. This moviethon is different thanks to our new location. We hadn’t had a moviethon yet at the new Doomed Moviethon HQ. We’ve also never had one of our moms joining us for the duration. That’s right, my mother-in-law Margie is our new housemate and she has promised to cook lots and lots of food today. That is different and new. We also have Shadow, our first canine moviethoner. Hell, even our ride is new. That’s right, the 1978 Ford Thunderbird (Frida) has gone to Car Heaven. We now have a Scion xD (Howard) as our official moviethon vehicle.

In the miserable cold rain, LeEtta and I drove out to deliver the recycling over on campus. We still don’t know where a recycling center is on this side of town but we made the trip worth our while. We went to our old usual Saturday morning haunt – the Einstein Bagels on Fowler and 50th – and hit Cigar Castle for old times’ sake. I miss hanging out there and BSing with the owner, Atul, and NOT talking about football with his other patrons. I picked out some fine smokes and we head back home.

sweptaway

12:09pm – Swept Away

Released: 2002
Budget: $10 Million
Box Office: $600k
IMDB Rating: 3.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 5%

In the 80s, Madonna was a god. In the 90s, she ruined sex for everyone. I remember seeing the ‘I Hate Madonna Handbook’ in the grocery store once and actually being tempted to buy it. She got so overexposed and annoying that she just made me seethe with anger whenever she was on TV. That ‘Sex’ book, that friggin’ ‘Erotica’ album, and that topless outfit she wore at that fashion show. Ugh. She kept pushing the envelope until everyone vomited at the very mention of her name. Remember when Drew Barrymore flashed her boobs at David Letterman? That cruel and pointless act. Madonna’s career during the 90s was just like that only more nauseating.

But what about redemption? Certainly, “Ray of Light” and “Hung Up” are reasons to rejoice. When I hear those tunes, I remember what I love about the old girl. There are bright spots in the gloom. But then she did that odious duet with Justin Timberlake. “Tick tock tick tock tick tock!” Worse than that, she covered “The Day the Music Died”. Woops. I don’t even like that song but I sure as fuck hated her cover of it. So Madonna, you’re still on my shit list. Will Swept Away sweep your sins under the rug?

Our friend Kat has arrived. We start the movie and I immediately knock over and break a figurine of a Japanese lady that rests in front of the volume control on the speakers. Damn it, Madonna gets me so excited! I apologize profusely to Margie who takes the pieces away. This might be a bad omen. In Swept Away, Madonna plays an asshole rich lady who curses a lot on a yacht she and her also rich husband rented. Pepe is the Italian fisherman who hates her. But you know he’s gonna fall in love with her. This movie is pretty awkward so far. All of the scenes seem really lethargic and tense. Guy Ritchie could have picked a better actress than Madonna for this movie but it would still be dull and freakish.

“You don’t need eyes to bake cakes.”

The best part of the movie is the crew. The captain and the cooks who work below are hilarious and you can see the director had a good time with their scenes. There’s a great montage set to the rhythms of the rocking boat and it occurs to me that when there is no dialogue this movie is watchable. The first 20 minutes of Swept Away feel like 2 hours. We’re in for the long haul on this cruise. You know what would help this boring ass movie? If only the two people who hated each other could get stuck together somehow. Then the plot could really just come to a complete stop. Oh goodie! They get stranded on a desert island. Just the two of them. And once again, the best scenes are when no one is speaking.

“Let the cold of the night wrestle the last of the beast within you.”

This movie is agony by the way. Kat is astonished by how awful Madonna is. Since Pepe is the fisherman, he is most likely to survive on the island so he immediately establishes his dominance over Madonna. He intends to punish her for being such a beyatch on the boat. But then he takes his game too far. “Call me ‘master’,” Pepe says and my stomach lurches. Where is Tom Hanks when you need him? Next we have an almost rape scene. Pepe wrestles Madonna to the ground and begins to force himself on her. This really disconcerting rape scene begins but stops when he gets her to admit that SHE WANTS HIM TO RAPE HER! Man overboard! Alarm!

What the shit is this shit? Is this one of Madonna’s erotic fantasies played out on the screen for our entertainment? What a kinky freak! Now she’s crawling around on her hands and knees and kissing his feet. Why am I being tortured like this? This is like alien sex or something. Maybe if this was 1976 and Pepe was played by Tomas Milian and Madonna was played by Anita Strindberg, I’d find some enjoyment maybe. But don’t think for an instant that I would be watching this pukefest with my wife, my mother-in-law and one of our female friends. This is really embarrassing.

Poor Kat. First, she thought this was the Madonna movie with Rupert Everett (a hope she abandoned after the first 15 minutes or so). Then they ruin one of her favorite songs, “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star when Madonna and Pepe start falling in love. That’s right. The Italian jerk and the rich beyatch are now in love. Madonna spots a boat and decides not to tell Pepe about it because she’s so happy being subjugated by this horrible man who we’re supposed to like. Later, they get rescued and Pepe freaks out because he doesn’t know if she ever really loved him. Let the guy go, he has PMTSD (Post Madonna Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Did I mention that we are all in very real physical pain this movie is causing us? We only have 10 minutes to go and they are gearing up to be the longest of our lives. I wish I was at the post office or the DMV right now. So Madonna’s mean husband hatches the most transparent scheme ever concocted to keep Pepe and Madonna apart. AND IT WORKS! They don’t end up together. Kat points out that this plot device may have worked if the movie was set in 1820 or something. What a terrible ending. Nice going, Guy Dickie. They’re perfect for each other and they should be able to be together because you know they’re just going to destroy whoever they end up with. Did I mention this a remake?

fromjustintokelly

2:07pm – From Justin to Kelly

Released: 2003
Budget: $12 million
Box Office: $5 million
IMDB Rating: 1.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 8%

Kelly Clarkson… That’s Elvis’s daughter, right? I suspect that she might be the least evil of all the divas in this moviethon. But she’s still young. There is still time for her to destroy the Earth. So in this movie, Elvis’s daughter waitresses in a country and western bar but she sings sometimes. Her crappy friends Kaya and Alexa want her to go to spring break. This redneck dude named Luke clearly has a crush on her. Justin also has two equally crappy friends. One is a nerd and the other is a douchebag named Brandon who can’t button his shirt. Oh look, there’s a party on the beach where people break out into song. Oh yeah, this is a musical. I forgot.

I won’t even go to a party unless there is going to be inline skating. We are 9 minutes into this little film and it has already blown Swept Away out of the water. Did I mention that Brandon is a douchebag? He’s the only one on the planet who doesn’t know he’s gay. I’m going to go ahead and guess that the ‘gay Brandon’ issue will not be covered during this film. Oh snap, he just buttoned his shirt! Okay, it was only one button but I consider it an epic plot point. There is talk of WHIP CREAM BIKINIS!

Kelly’s friend just accused her of ‘clenching’. Later at another party, we notice the hilarious extras in this movie. Holy shit, was that an internal songologue? Justin and Kelly are both looking for something that will last longer than a spring break fling. LeEtta suggests they try a venereal disease. Kelly’s friend Kaya is nearly single-handedly ruining this movie. For some reason, Justin is the ‘mayor of spring break’ which- oh fuck, Brandon is rapping.

Kaya gets her own romance with some hot bartender duder and he takes her salsa dancing. Later, Kelly gets mad at Justin because he and his friends are throwing a WHIP CREAM BIKINI contest. More singing and I notice that there is way too much ‘WHOA, WHOA YEAH!’ in all of the songs.. Kelly gives JoJo another chance and they go on a boat ride. I have a panic attack that they might get stranded on a desert island. I will probably never trust Madonna again. Margie has made one hell of a relish tray for us with pickles, cheese, crackers, and olives.

Watch out, Kelly, your best bud Alexa is actually a frenemy. Now Alexa is singing about being a tramp. Fuckin’ a, people, give the bad girl a decent song at least. I am reaching my breaking point on this movie. In a rip-roarin’ and knee-slappingly hilarious subplot, the nerdy guy is giving some guy dating advice. Now Kelly is mad at Justin again so she starts singing angrily about love or bomb diggity or something. This is hard to follow. I’ve seen episodes of “Saved by the Bell” that had more complex plotlines than this.

Oh good, a HOVERCRAFT RACE will decide who is the better man and who will end up with Kelly. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Luke, the redneck pitifully in love with Kelly showed up. The friggin’ country bumpkin gets injured during the thrilling HOVERCRAFT RACE and they have to send him over to Beach Patrol Headquarters to get stitched up. Kaya’s boyfriend is mad because she got him fired from his job and he needs the work. Apparently, this spring break deal is a class war thing and he’s the proletariat. What the fuck?

Kelly finally discovers that Alexa has been intercepting Justin’s texts and trying to steal him away from her. And her excuse is that she never meant to hurt Kelly, she just wanted Justin to like her because then she’d be just as good as Kelly because no one ever sees her for who she really is because like all anyone ever sees is her party girl side and no one wants to get to know the real Alexa. What a god damned slut! So From Justin to Kelly doesn’t really have an ending. It just sort of stops.

3:47pm – Cigar Break

I run over to 7-11 and get a 24 ounce Shasta Cola and return to smoke my delightfully dark and aromatic Cain cigar. The world outside of Doomed Moviethon HQ is a little off. Everyone seems really unfriendly and there’s a lot of tension in the air. Maybe they’re all scared of Gigli too. On the phone, Nafa said that me watching Swept Away caused the tsunamis but I think that was the earthquake in Chile. This Shasta cola is cheap and caustic but it has that old school cheap cola flavor that I love. The rain has stopped but the weather is overcast and cool out. Perfect moviethon weather. Back inside, Margie lets me try a sample of the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies she’s made and they’re freakin’ amazing.

crossroads

5:14pm – Crossroads

Released: 2002
Budget: $12 million
Box Office: $37 million
IMDB Rating: 2.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 14%

Britney Spears is not evil, she is just misunderstood. I think. This movie kicks off with three little girls burying their dreams in a box. I guess they are burying their dreams so that they will never come true. Flash forward to Britney dancing in her underwear to a Madonna song. Under the pitiless gaze of a Madonna poster, Swept Away comes back to haunt us. It’s high school graduation and Britney is the valedictorian (oh yeah) and Dan Akroyd is her father. One of friends is pregnant and the other one is a popular jerk. So much for the future. After the graduation dance (do they have those?), Britney is having second thoughts about getting deflowered by her boyfriend played by that dude. He’s a dopey and nerdy nice guy. He’s her lab partner and he is begging for it.

The three friends unite and dig up their box of shitty dreams. The pregnant one wants to go to California to get an audition for a record contract. The dreamy guitarist (who supposedly murdered a guy) is driving out there. Britney wants to go to Arizona and find her mom who abandoned her as a child. And the bitchy one wants to go to UCLA and visit her boyfriend (a college guy, oooooooooo). Hey, what the fuck is this? This movie doesn’t suck! I did not sign up for a good movie.

The most interesting thing about Crossroads is that the setup is so perfect for a slasher flick. There is the seedy hotel room and the whole thing about their male escort duder being a murderer and all. The gang gets stranded by the side of the road and need $350 to repair the car. And there’s only one way to make that kind of green in The Big Easy. Unfortunately, I’m not talkin’ about hookin’. There is a karaoke contest that pays cash money to the winner.

Britney has to save the day because the loser pregnant chick chokes on stage. They sing that Pat Benatar song “I Love Rock and Roll” and they remove all traces of ‘rock’ from it. They get a better hotel after winning the contest. We don’t get to see the other contestants, WTF? We did get to see the creepy guy dancing like an epileptic and scaring a waitress though. After some TEEN DRINKING, the girls have a heart to heart. Several heart to hearts actually. Oh thank God, they’re bonding again. This movie is kind of good. Shit.

“Y’all, somethin’ bit my ass!”

Oh, why did her mom have to be Kim Cattrall? Wait. Why would Kim Cattrall sleep with Dan Akroyd? Was Akroyd like really, really desperate or something. Unrealistic! Ha ha, her mom doesn’t love her. Shit, this is the worst episode of “The Locator” ever. So the bitchy one goes to see her jerk fiance who is a total jerk. He turns out to be the rapist that got the pregnant one pregnant. Oh, bitter irony. Then the pregnant one falls down the stairs and loses the kid. I laugh heartily. Sad sad sad.

Akroyd flies out to LA to yell at Britney for running away. Thanks for crushing my dreams, daddy. It’s only slightly worse than when you did Blues Brothers 2000. Britney says FUCK YOU DAD because she has to make the hard choice and stays in LA. I mean, the guitar guy is dreamy and they love each other. Did I mention that she lost her virginity to him? Yeah, she did. Her big finale song keeps insisting that she’s ‘not a girl’ and I think this is supposed to be important. Wait, what am I saying? She is proving herself, man. The end. Did I mention that this isn’t the Crossroads movie starring Ralph Macchio. I didn’t. Okay. Well, it’s not.

6:48pm – Dinner Break

Holy crap. We have a feast! Margie has made the most delicious pork roast ever. I get to take a knife to it and decimate the thing so that we can have pulled pork sammiches. We also have coleslaw and BBQ sauce and cheddar cheese and mayo and a bunch of other heart-stopping things. Ladies and gentlemen, moviethon meals have changed forever. Sweet damn.

gigli

7:44pm – Gigli

Released: 2003
Budget: $54 million
Box Office: $6 million
IMDB Rating: 2.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 6%

Jennifer Lopez is the devil or at least a demonic robot. When the Julia Roberts robot became too rusty to function and the Sandra Bullock robot broke down, they built the Jennifer Lopez robot. But she went mad and killed her creators. Now she is J-Low and she has the power to bring about the apocalypse. Ben Affleck isn’t talking to us, the audience, he’s talking to a man in a dryer. How clever? He is a gangster because he wears a leather jacket. But he’s a softie. He has to harass this mentally challenged kid in order to make his boss happy. He kidnaps the mentally deficient guy and starts talking to his flashlight about ‘The Baywatch’. I am getting scared.

“I gotta pee, Larry.”

Jennifer Lopez shows up and I’m even more scared now. She’s trying to seduce me. Something bad is going to happen, I just know it. The word ‘excoriate’ has been used. Is this supposed to be like Rain Man? Is J-Low supposed to be Italian? This movie is a mess. And no one is likable. Okay, except maybe Brian the mental handicapper. He’s cool. So Affleck and Lopez are ‘contractors’. I guess that means they are paid to do something. When Affleck tries to seduce J-Low, we find out that she’s gay. That’s the twist. We can turn the movie off now!

Christopher Walken shows up and tears this movie a new asshole (like it needed another one). Then he’s gone. Crap. This movie has some major shifts in tone that are just annoying. The dialogue however is what really takes the shit-cake in this masterpiece of cinema. J-Low’s badass routine is embarrassing and lame. We get to see Affleck’s mom’s butt in a thong when she gets an insulin shot. His mom is that actress who is too good for this movie. She and J-Low share a little lesbian connection which is probably going to be the best scene in the movie.

It’s fun to watch Afflex and J-Low set their careers back 10 years (I’m being generous here) with this nonsense. Her vagina speech just ruined sex for me. Now I’m convinced that Lowpez and Madonna are in cahoots to screw me over (in a bad way). Then her psycho girlfriend shows up and slits her wrists. Yay blood! Gigli is now a really bad play written by a bisexual college student. This is just vulgar and boring. This movie is like Rain Man, Midnight Run (same director as Gigli, I shit you not!), and Chasing Amy.

The line I had heard about is actually very real. “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.” That’s right, J-Low is demanding that Afflex perform oral sex on her. I can’t fucking believe this. This is Swept Away Part 2: The Gobbling. Affleck’s apartment is the desert island. Kat just said that I used to remind her of Ben Affleck back when I was first dating LeEtta. I am crushed. How can that be? Al Pacino just made his entrance and I’m going to die. Now Brian is rappin’. You see, he’s retarded and knows every rap song by heart. This is not funny. This is interminable.

The similarities between Gigli and Swept Away are glaring. Both movies could have slipped under the radar had they been some indie director’s vanity project. But somehow, someone threw millions of dollars at these films and it blew up in their faces. Throw in a couple of big names who don’t know any better than to rape their careers in public and voila, you have swill. Gigli sucks. Big time. I haven’t seen a movie this repulsive since Swept Away.

glitter

9:56pm – Glitter

Released: 2001
Budget: $22 million
Box Office: $4 million
IMDB Rating: 2.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 7%

Here are five words I never thought I would ever type out loud: “Mariah Carey, please save me.” In this movie, young Mariah’s mom is a drunk mom. That’s very sad. At least that is what the depresso-filter over these past scenes seems to indicate. But at least they have music to keep each other happy. Until mom’s drunken cigarette sleeping burns the dang house down and Mariah goes into a foster home. She makes a couple of friends and they bury a box with their dreams inside it.

Mariah grows up and its 1983 now. She’s a dancer in a nightclub but not a stripper. She does not strip. She and her budz from the foster home (one of them played by Da Brat) get jobs as backup singers. A scumbag record producer (played by Terrence ‘Baby Wipes’ Howard) notices that Mariah can sing so he uses her voice to cover up the fact that his talentless star can’t sing at all.

“I don’t soup girls up.”

We meet Dice the corny DJ. The guy has no skillz whatsoever. How the fuck did he become such a popular DJ. Okay, Glitter definitely has the best soundtrack of this entire moviethon. It’s amazing how much some old school cutz can improve even the shittiest piece of shit. Dice (who is clearly some kind of a British actor) sees Mariah’s talent and becomes her love interest manager. Let me guess, he’s gonna mismanage her career. He agrees to buy her from ‘Baby Wipes’ and gets her a record contract.

Oh this is so flippin’ predictable. The Diceman is going to fuck up her career. It’s like a time-bomb, this plot. Why do they keep dressing him up like that? Is he supposed to be gay or what? We all agree that the production designer has no fucking clue what the 1980s looked like. The hair, makeup, and clothes are all wrong, especially on Mariah. I’m guessing she was too diva to cheese it up for a period piece and it is actually distracting. Boo.

Holy shit, Da Brat is awful in this movie. Everyone else is dull but Da Brat is just awful. To make her look unattractive, they dress her up like a yard-sale Patti LaBelle. Diceman still owes ‘Baby Wipes’ the money for buying Mariah off of him. This movie is actually going by pretty quickly. I think we are in safer territory here. After Swept Away, we should have gone directly to Gigli to get it over with. Then Glitter, Crossroads, and ended on From Justin to Kelly. I now see the error of my ways.

Mariah is a chipmunk puppy. I’m sorry but she looks freakin’ weird. There’s not enough drug use in this movie. It’s set in the 1980s, there are record executives everywhere, and no one is doing coke. What the fuck is that about? Everyone is trying to steal Mariah away from Dice and rightfully so. The guy is a loser. Wait. Hold the phone. Why is he acting so erratically and getting all angry and stuff at the drop of a hat? I bet the original screenplay had him doing a bunch of drugs and they took it out to save them from an R rating. They could have made this like Star 80. Oh, oh no, put that shotgun down.

‘Baby Wipes’ comes to collect the money for Mariah. Sigh. Do you remember when I said this movie was moving pretty quickly? Well scratch that. The pacing just ate shit and now we’re discussing Terrence ‘Baby Wipes’ Howard’s preferences for female cleanliness. Just Google ‘Terrence Howard’ and ‘Baby Wipes’ to read about what we’re talking about. Duder is a creep.

So the Diceman gets murdered. He sees ‘Baby Wipes’ beckoning to him in the street, walks up, and gets blown away. Thank God. Worst junkie without drugs ever. Dice, you will be missed. So Mariah gets a real producer and gets famous without the Dice. This story is so fucking generic and insufferable. I think that Mariah Carey’s real life story is probably more interesting than this shit. I am totally drained. Oh, the pain. I now completely regret ever wanting to watch this fucking bullshit. Sorry everyone.

sweptaway2

Aftermath

The following day, I had a foul taste in the back of my mind. I had learned many, many things that fateful Saturday. For starters, the next time we do one of these Diva moviethons, there will be no movies rated R again. To say that watching Gigli and Swept Away with other people (including my wife’s good friend and her mother) humiliating and sickening is an understatement. Sorry kids, we will NOT be watching Body of Evidence.

So what else did I learn? Oh yeah, the other thing. The unexpected result of our ten hours of terror was that the world seemed a little brighter and prettier. I began to appreciate entertainment that comes without suffering. Any film that doesn’t make my soul vomit-cry is a masterpiece. I have a renewed appreciation for fluffy and silly things. At times like these, Fred Astaire is my favorite actor.

But there, in the distance, something is calling to me. I can just barely make out the voice of Olivia Newton John. She’s there with the cop, the construction worker, and the rest of the Village People. And Madonna is there too. And look how young she looks. Oh, she’s holding hands with Prince. And they’re calling me. What is it? What do you guys want?

Please note: I returned Crossroads and Glitter to Netflix (boy oh boy, those are going to screw up my recommendations from now on). I’m going to keep From Just to Kelly because it was so much terrible fun. But rest assured, good people, I destroyed my copies of Gigli and Swept Away. After tearing up the covers, I took a black magic marker to the data side of the discs. Then scratched them with my keys and tossed them out. I got both films used for around $3 apiece, so no great loss. Trust me, the world is now a better place.

Disco of Death

discoofdeath-art

I don’t know what it is that attracts me to disco movies. Being born in 1976, I was too young to enjoy all that wonderful cocaine. When I was a very young kid though, my two favorite songs -thanks to my mom’s record collection- were Abba’s “Take a Chance on Me” and Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” so maybe that’s where it started. Currently, my favorite disco songs are Raffaela Carra’s “Rumore” and “More, More, More” by The Andrea True Connection. Chances of hearing those two songs in this moviethon: not so good. There is definitely something fascinating about a film subgenre (or is that a sub-subgenre?) created to cash in on a musical trend. My criteria for this playlist is the films have to be released between 1976 and 1981, they must feature disco music or disco dancing prominently, and be at least somewhat easily obtainable. Movies starring disco musicians (like The Bee Gees or The Village People) are welcome as are movies that revolve around disco songs (Car Wash). All right, brothers and sisters, I am about to get funky (pronounced fown-kay).

Friday Night

I have a bottle of Mountain Dew Livewire (the orange cream flavored one!), my my my my my boogie shoes, and a pile of movies. I love the nightlife, I will survive, and I’m staying alive! Burn, baby burn! Ring my bell! Whatever, I’m ready to start this shit.

carwash

“Honey, I’m more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever get.”

7:01pm – Car Wash (1976)

For some reason, I was dreading this film (which is why I picked it first) but the moment it starts I’m kind of feeling the um groove or whatever. Whenever I mentioned that I was doing this moviethon, folks kept asking me if I was going to include Car Wash and every damn disco movie list includes it too. The plot: a day in the life of the employees of a car wash. Throw on a killer soundtrack and you have a masterpiece. LeEtta points out that this is kind of like the structure of films like Dazed and Confused. You know, those slice-of-life films that have no basis in reality whatsoever.

At 11 minutes, the word “disco” is mentioned. The first in the moviethon so far. There are some kooky and zany characters in this but this movie is so light that I have no idea what to say about it. There is a guy in a mouse hat, a cowboy with the clap, a crazy gay stereotype, two Sam & Dave wannabes, and Garrett Morris. My favorite is the political loudmouth (played by Bill Duke) with a secret. His secret? He plays the saxophone! There, I spoiled it even though it has nothing to do with the plot.

Right around 39 minutes, the Pointer Sisters show up with Richard Pryor and the first (and only! WTF?) musical number kicks in. That kind of tosses the whole slice-of-life shit I was talking right out the window. My favorite character is the scratchy-voiced Lonnie. He is a tough but wise old dude with a past full of regrets. Just like me. That performance by Ivon Dixon is way, way too good for this movie.

skatetownusa

“This is The Wizard saying: ha ha, boy what an idiot this guy is!”

8:50pm – Skatetown USA (1979)

Ugh, is this a movie? This film opens like a commercial for the end times and is like barbed wire for the eyes. A young black man wearing one hell of a snood is skating onto the screen and into our hearts. The credits introduce us to a young fellow named Patrick Swayze as Ace. They also promise us Flip Wilson. Oh my goodness. A weirdo wizard in a white afro wig materializes and starts DJ-ing this party in hell. He commands the lights to come on and the last roller rink before oblivion, Skatetown USA, explodes into life. My copy of this film looks like it was rode hard and put away wet. I predict a migraine in our future.

We got some Scott Baio action in this and freakin’ Maureen McCormick. When Swayze shows up, he’s some kind of roller-bully in charge of a gang of leathermen called the Westside Wheelers. The comedy relief comes from an old drunk and the disgustingly obese fry cook. Speaking of disgusting, Scott Baio is mackin’ on some chick and it’s making me sick. I really hate that fucking guy. He is managing his buddy Stanley’s (played by Greg Bradford) roller-skating career. All Stanley cares about is being a terrible actor and fantasizing about a magical disco girl in white. Also, my wife LeEtta says that his jaw looks like it was plastic mold injected and they left the nozzle in his face too long.

This movie pretends it’s just a goodtime flick but man, this has a sleazy streak a mile wide. My brain hemorrhaged happy juice when Ace and Stan had their now infamous deck of cards metaphor battle. You see, Ace is the king of Skatetown USA and Stan is gonna go after his crown. And, as an added bonus, that mystery girl in white is Ace’s little sister. The plot thickens! Just kidding. It really doesn’t thicken. It just kind of stays limp and deflated. Speaking of hideous, the running jokes in this film are the worst. They are so bad that they could cost Skatetown USA its Best Movie award. Ruth Buzzy AND the Unknown Comic just showed up and I feel as though my childhood is stopping by just to kill me.

Saturday

We get up pretty early but that is just fine by me because LeEtta makes us coffee and breakfast sandwiches. These sandwiches are amazing. They have fried egg, bacon, and cheese on frozen waffles (for the bread). Good thing I will be dancing during the movies because I gotta keep them arteries unclogged. After breakfast, we feed the cats their special breakfast (wet cat food!) and do chores. I take out the trash and run to the gas station for some moviethon drinks in the form of Mountain Dew tallboys. I also buy lottery tickets because I’m feeling lucky.

That reminds me, we are living in a new apartment now. That’s right, Doomed Moviethon HQ has moved once again. We are still in Tampa but we are in Carrollwood now. We are moving up in the world. Don’t get me wrong, Forest Hills was great but our old apartment was not. I already miss my old 7-11 on Armenia and Waters and the awesome crew that work there. The Hess station on the corner of Bearss and Zambito is a dump and the people there are aloof at best. Maybe their management will read this and force them to get their shit together.

thankgoditsfriday

“Ooh, would I love to jump on her bones!”

10:37am – Thanks God it’s Friday (1978)

This is the first of two of my friend Nafa’s picks for this moviethon. He is the only certified disco film expert that I know. The Columbia Pictures logo-lady just started dancing lamely and we’re off to a great start? They mixed the song really shitty on here so the computerized voice saying “THANK GOD IT’S” comes shouting out of the speakers louder than the rest of the music. All kinds of people are getting ready for some disco dancing. Why? Because it is Friday and there is a disco dance contest at a place called Disco Disco Disco Disco. Bobby Speed (played by Ray Vitte (who I just saw in Car Wash)) is the DJ spinning at this gig and he is under a lot of pressure because this show is going out live over the radio for the first time. Whoa, that’s pretty serious.

Speaking of serious, two very underage teenage girls, Franny and Jeannie (played by Valerie Landsburg and Terri Nunn), are hoping to win the dance contest so that they can pay for their KISS tickets. Man, the 70s were tough on everybody. There’s a girl named Jennifer (Debra Winger) who wants to meet a nice guy and a guy named Ken who wants to meet a nice girl. Good luck, fuckers. Jeff Goldblum is Tony, the owner of the disco, and he is a total prick. He makes some poor schmuck wear a gorilla costume and he’s banged every dumb chick within 10 miles of this nightclub. Bobby Speed challenges Tony to try and bang some dude’s wife. Nice job, everybody.

Donna Summer just arrived and she looks doped up. Maybe that’s just her face. She has aspirations to be a singer. Gee, if only someone would give her a chance. By the way, this is from the director of Weekend at Bernie’s II. It’s obvious that he mastered his craft on this film. The Commodores arrive to save Bobby Speed’s career but none of their equipment showed up. Some goofball named Floyd (played by Otis Day) is driving the van with all of their instruments in it and he is hilariously (I’m exaggerating) lost. With the help of Marv Gomez (Chick Vennera) the Leatherman (my favorite character in this whole movie), Franny and Jeannie sneak into the nightclub through the men’s room past a four alarm fire of a gay stereotype.

Wow, I’m getting pretty bored here. Let me talk about Marv Gomez the Leatherman because he is the only thing going on right now. He is a crazy Spanish dude wearing leather from head to toe and his catchphrase is “Life is dancing! All the rest is bullshit.” He is trying to teach Ken the nerd how to dance in the parking lot and it’s pretty life-affirming. The rest of this flick is just flat and depressing. Donna Summer gets to sing “Last Dance” (an overrated disco song if there ever was one) and I couldn’t give less of a fuck. For lunch, LeEtta and I heat up leftovers from last night’s dinner (at GrillSmith) and they are delicious.

sgtpepper

“One thing I tell you is you got to be free.”

12:38pm – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

In 1918, Sargent Pepper’s band managed to bring peace to Europe. They played in Heartland through the 20s, and the Great Depression, WWII, and then uh George Burns shows up as Mr. Kite. Who in the darn heck thought that this movie was a good idea? The moment where Sgt. Pepper drops dead mid-song got a laugh out of LeEtta and I. Years later, somebody decided to start up the Lonely Hearts Club Band again and who better to do it than the Bee Gees? Honestly, this isn’t too bad so far but really, a whole movie of this? I think I’d rather be listening to the Beatles than people covering the Beatles, especially in an awkward musical schlockfest. I’d also rather be watching this director’s other music flick: Krush Groove! Wait, that’s Peter Frampton? I thought it was Andy Gibb. Woops.

When the band gets offered a chance to come out to Hollywood and be big stars, mean Mr. Mustard (played by Frankie Howerd) uses the opportunity to take over Heartland. Man oh man, this movie is why people hate musicals. Donald Pleasence as a disco-dancing record executive? Now that I can get down with. In a trippy sequence (probably the first of many), the band signs to the evil record label and Billy Shears immediately starts cheating on his girlfriend with some record company floozy. Meanwhile, mean Mr. Mustard is getting a massage from his lady robots when his computer screen commands him to steal all of Sgt. Pepper’s instruments. For some reason, this is bad news for Heartland and the whole place starts going to pot. LeEtta explains that George Burns said that as long as they have the instruments, the town will be happy. Okay… Sure, why not?

Just got a text from my mom confirming that she did indeed own the soundtrack record to this film. I thought so! I remember looking at the cover but I don’t recall ever having listened to it. The arrangement for “Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds” is pretty special. It’s just the kind of horrible disco shite that I like. Billy Shear’s lady friend shows up and tells the band what’s been happening in Heartland so they go after the missing instruments. They steal mean Mr. Mustard’s RV and access its computer system. It leads them to Dr. Maxwell Edison (played by Steve Martin). He is using his silver hammer to turn old people into sexy young people in Boy and Girl Scout uniforms. This is either the worst thing I have ever seen or the best.

Billy gets electrocuted and it’s up to his lady friend to sing “Strawberry Fields” at him in order to wake him up. I have no idea why. LeEtta explains to me that her name is Strawberry. Apparently, George Burns has been explaining the plot the whole time to help stupid people like me but I haven’t been listening. I haven’t listened to a word that George Burns has had to say since Damsel in Distress and that was in 1937. “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” is used as a happy song to announce a benefit concert to save Heartland but that minor key just really gives the whole thing a creepy, foreboding vibe. Even though this film is cringe-inducingly bad, it is never boring. I’ll give it that much. Thanks, Nafa!

wiz

“I’ll send you to the taxidermist, you jive turkeys!”

2:34pm – The Wiz (1978)

I am very cautiously approaching The Wiz. This garish spectacle scared me when I was a kid. If I recall correctly there are some seriously freaky characters in this. Wait a second! Joel Schumacher wrote this film AND Car Wash? That is literally crazy. At a Thanksgiving dinner, Diana Ross gets all mopey and runs off by herself to sing a song about being lonely. Her Aunt Em (played by Theresa Merritt) is trying to convince her to get a better job and get a man and stop being a loser and take Toto with her. Toto is a dog, by the way. Not the band Toto. In the middle of a snowstorm, Dorothy gets swept up in a tornado and is whisked off to the land of Oz. She is immediately harassed by some really creepy living graffiti children.

So this is the Wizard of Oz remade with shitty songs, grotesque makeup, and an overwrought and frankly unlikeable performance from Diana Ross. Michael Jackson’s scarecrow makeup is just gross. He is the scarecrow and the crows taunt him and make him sing their theme song. Fuck, I just want to turn this odious and shrill film off. I fall asleep for nearly an hour and wake up to find that this damn movie is still going on. There’s a whole sequence where the Wicked Witch of the West tortures Dorothy’s friends (sawing the Scarecrow in half and crushing the Tin Man) and threatens to burn Toto alive. Who is this movie for? What the fuck was I thinking when I chose this bullshit? I don’t even like the original Wizard of Oz.

Stan Winston did the makeup. Why didn’t anyone tell him he wasn’t making a horror movie? There are so many unsettling aspects to this damn film that I guess he couldn’t possibly be responsible for them all. LeEtta figures that Dorothy’s companions to Emerald City are different parts of her psyche. I tell her she’s right. Partly because it’s probably true (the underlying psychology in this screenplay is horseshit) and partly because she made me a delicious dinner of salad and ground sausage with white rice and water cress. I want to know which butt-slapper put the 2 hour and 15 minute version of this soul-killing crud up on Netflix so I can punch him or her in his or her dick.

rollerboogie

“Well, if anybody wants me, I’ll be at the city morgue.”

5:10pm – Roller Boogie (1979)

This is the first roller-skate fetish movie I’ve ever seen. The way this opens with those wheels getting oiled up and I gotta say that I’m getting pretty hot here. A bunch of roller-skaters are rolling through town and having a gay old time. The fashions in this are particularly heinous. Everyone’s shorts are pulled so high, their testicles are hanging out. Especially the women. They pass by a couple making out on a dumpster. But don’t worry, the guy is sensitive because he put some cardboard down for her to lay on before he mounted her WITH HIS ROLLER-SKATES ON! Linda Blair turns up as a cute little rich girl named Terry who likes to go skating in the bad part of town when she’s not winning awards for her flute playing. She catches the eye of Bobby, a fancy roller-skating dude and all around stud.

Terry doesn’t fit in in snooty society and she humiliates some horny guy named Franklin. She only really comes alive at the roller rink. Her friend Lana was in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. This Bobby guy (played by Jim Bray), who Terry is totally playing hard to get with, is really a great actor. He’s so great he went on to star in the VHS tape of this movie. And now he’s starring in the DVD of this movie. He is so ugly and uncharismatic that Linda Blair has to carry the whole movie with her cuteness. The DJ at the roller rink is a guy in a safari hat. What is that all about? He’s not a wizard or anything! His name is J.D. though. Get it? It’s DJ backwards! LOL! LMFAO! ROFL! WIFLOP!

The miserable acting in Roller Boogie is directly proportional to the atrocious screenplay. The director of this mess went on to do Class of 1984 and Commando. Why didn’t this kill his career? Terry tells her bitchy rich mom that all she wants to right now is win a roller boogie contest and that the rest of her life can wait. I say that every day too. But I don’t mean it. Oh shit! Roller-skating conga line! This isn’t even remotely impressive in any way but yet I am smiling from ear to ear.

The plot actually shows up to say hello. Some shady guys are hassling Jammer, the owner of the roller rink, to sell out so they can build a strip mall. Terry, Bobby, and Phones (named after his huge headphones) overhear the convo with the shady bros and decide they are going to help save the rink. Jammer gets drunk and throws all the kids out of the rink. It is one of those serious moments that are really, really funny.

The gang asks Terry to ask her lawyer father to help Jammer out of his jam. Terry’s father (played by Roger Perry of Count Yorga, Vampire) is a loon. He blames roller-skating and disco music for poisoning her mind but he agrees to help her friends out. Of course, this whole scheme hinges on Bobby and his buddies behaving properly at Terry’s music recital. Oh boy, this is gonna be such a silly time! Things take an insane turn when Bobby does a solo skate dance in an empty roller rink to homo-erotically cheer Jammer up. Wow. Just wow.

Cigar Break

I take one of my Mountain Dew tallboys and an Inch cigar (so named for width not length, I think) out to our sexy screened in patio. The new apartment isn’t facing a busy road like our old one so it’s nice and quiet outside. Just the sounds of summer: cicadas and neighbor kids playing in the distance. I sit and smoke while watching the clouds roll by. I’m also reading The Worst Movies of All Time by Michael Sauter. It’s a fun read and there are three movies in this moviethon included in its pages: Xanadu, Can’t Stop the Music, and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. The Wiz gets a brief mention. I highly recommend the book. I don’t agree with all of the dude’s opinions but he sure does stick it to Hollywood’s shittier moments.

xanadu

“We can’t go on pretending any of this is real.”

8:23pm – Xanadu (1980)

About twenty years ago, a girl I was dating made me watch this candy coated nightmare with her. I made her watch Akira so I guess that’s fair. All I remember about this movie is making out with her. So maybe I haven’t really seen this before. The film opens magically with a spaceship coming down to Earth and then it cuts to a lousy artist tearing up a painting of his dream girl. The torn up pieces float away across town and they somehow cause a mural of disco chicks to come to life. They are lined with purple lights and they are super fantastic. One of the dancers is my favorite Aussie munchkin: Olivia Newton-John. Wow, Electric Light Orchestra did the soundtrack for this one. I’m not gonna lie to you, kids. I am down with ELO.

Olivia Newton-John rides a stream of light and some roller-skates to the park and kisses the artist guy. His name is Sonny (played by Michael Beck of Warriors and Megaforce AND Battletruck!) and when he tries to speak to her, she disappears. Sonny goes back to his old job painting shitty album covers because he’s broke. You see, he was the best and fastest painter in the biz but Sonny is a real artist. But artists gotta eat! He sees Olivia Newton-John on an album cover and then decides to go looking for her, totally walking out on his job. Well, I guess he didn’t need to eat that badly. He goes to the boardwalk and meets a bum named Danny who plays the clarinet. That bum is Gene Kelly. LeEtta and I are in shock when we notice that.

This movie does not take place on the Earth that you and I live on. No, on this planet, Sonny can borrow a complete stranger’s motorbike and then wreck it. No big woop. He also bums a ride from his buddy who is going east. But Sonny is going west. Opposite direction? No problem! He just hangs onto the back of the van and roller-skates across town. Why the hell didn’t he get IN THE VAN? Sonny is an infuriating motherfucker. He finds an empty roller rink where Olivia Newton-John is skating to one of my favorite pop songs of all time: “Magic”. She tells him her name is Kira and then she magically disappears again.

Sonny runs into Gene Kelly again and he finds out that he is not just a bum, he is a rich bum. They go to his mansion and Danny coerces Sonny into giving him a blo- just kidding! They talk about Glenn Miller. Danny asks Sonny to help him find a spot to open a nightclub. It turns out that Danny had a girl that was his muse back when he was in Glenn Miller’s orchestra. In a photo, the girl looks a whole lot like Kira! Could it be the same girl? Could it? Is she magic or what? Is this film going anywhere? Oh goodie, a flashback. The tap-dancing scene with Danny and Kira is just precious. Don’t get me wrong, I like it but I’m choking to death on all this saccharine, man.

The way Kira seems to be stalking Sonny is actually pretty unnerving. There is a shot where she appears in the shadows, watching him paint. Magical or not, this chick is going to slit his throat while he’s sleeping. They start playing “Suddenly” and it occurs to me that my mom had the Xanadu record too. I was doomed at birth! Sonny finds Danny a place for a nightclub and Kira suggests they call it Xanadu. While Kira and Sonny are drinking champagne and talking, they turn into animated characters and my heart sinks. Okay, this movie may be bad but at least it’s not bad at heart like the majority of titles in this moviethon so far. Xanadu wants you to be happy. Kira reveals to Sonny that she is a moose. Ew, bestiality! Oh wait, she said muse. Sorry.

cantstopthemusic

“Anyone who can swallow two snowballs and a ding dog shouldn’t have any trouble with pride.”

10:07pm – Can’t Stop the Music (1980)

This is a Village People movie and yet we just got Guttenberged! Stevie G plays a dork named Jack who works in a record store but he quits when he gets a chance to DJ in a club and his boss won’t let him skip out on inventory. But he’s not just a DJ, this fuckwad is a composer. His roommate Samantha (played by Valerie Perrine) -who I honestly thought was supposed to be his girlfriend- doesn’t believe in him but then she does believe in him. Let me back up a second. Samantha is a former model and she lives with a mostly nude man named Phillipe. She thinks Jack is a loser until she hears him play his horrid song for her (appropriately named “Samantha”) at a nightclub filled with hot girls and obviously gay men. Now she plans to help his career by sleeping with her old entertainment industry connections.

It gets weirder. Sam and Jack aren’t lovers. Wait a second. What is going on here? LeEtta thinks that Jack is gay. If he is, they are playing it way down. My theory is that none of the Village People are going to be gay in this film. They’re just gonna be crazy fun guys. Sam tells Jack that he needs good singers on his demo or he’ll never get a record deal. She goes around recruiting some dudes that can sing. Each one has a different crazy look. I suspect they might be members of the Village People. A guy named Ron (played by Bruce Jenner) gets robbed at gunpoint by an old lady. Sam’s old boss gets her finger stuck in the rotary dial of a phone booth. Sam drops her contact lens in the lasagna. This movie is odd, very odd.

Damn it, I can’t type fast enough to describe all the crazy shit happening in this film. Some of the films in this moviethon have been insane but this is just demented. My favorite character is Sam’s friend Lulu (played by Marilyn Sokol). She is horny, smokes dope, and is very attracted to Felippe. She gets Jack really high during the group’s first rehearsal and nothing happens. It was totally a pointless gag. Jack’s mom (June Havoc) shows up and she is very supportive of her non-gay but totally gay son. Everyone is asexual and violently aroused in this. The women flirt with and grind on guys on the dance floor but the guys aren’t interested in women and they certainly aren’t interested in other dudes. This might be a new favorite film. I don’t know what to make of it.

Ron, who is a friend of a friend of Sam’s, is a homophobe and he doesn’t like the Village People, not because they’re gay but because they’re *cough cough* weirdos. Sam swallows her pride and goes to see her ex named Steve (Paul Sand), a record executive. He agrees to help out their group but only after Sam kind of says that she’ll sleep with him when the group and Jack’s music are a success. Even though Ron was a total jerk, Sam is really into him. About a dozen innuendos later, they get it on and it is just awkward. Oh yeah, the Village People haven’t been in their own movie for the last half hour or more.

The missing piece of this gay puzzle comes in the form of the Leatherman. He stands on a piano and sings “Oh Danny Boy”. I give LeEtta a look and she returns it. We both know that we are in the presence of greatness. Ron is holding the auditions at his law firm and his both tells him that he doesn’t approve of his *cough cough* choice of clients. So Ron up and quits so that he can manage the Village People. Next time we see him, he is wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes. These are weapons grade jorts, dear reader. During the YMCA sequence, we see a lot of naked dude butts but we also see Sam’s bare boobies. Who the hell were they marketing this movie for? The target audience must have been definitely not gay schizophrenics and sexless tramps.

Sunday

I woke up hard this morning. No, not like that! I mean I woke up like I’d only been asleep for 2 hours. My mind feels like a sponge and I don’t mean one that is soaking things up. It’s more like an oversaturated sponge that is dripping and running all over the sink. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday. LeEtta and I go to Brunchies (a local diner) for breakfast. I get an iced coffee and a San Diego omelet. LeEtta gets coffee, grapefruit juice, grits, eggs, and duck bacon. A quick run to the grocery store for some groceries and birthday cake making supplies and then it’s back home so I can watch the last 18 minutes or so of Can’t Stop the Music.

stud

“Does that give you a hard-on? My my my, are you embarrassed?”

10:07am – The Stud (1978)

I’m so pissed off right now. I had to wait a whole two minutes to see a naked woman. WTF? Oliver Tobias plays The Stud. He wakes up with a beautiful woman whose name he doesn’t know and it’s all groovy and awesome. We see his closet and his 60 pairs of shoes. LeEtta says: “So is this guy a metrosexual or what?” Yes, yes he is but it’s before they had a name for it. The Stud gets his own theme song and it is overloaded with chicka wacka guitars. This award winning film comes from the mind of Jackie Collins. And it also stars her sister (and Doomed Moviethon Hall of Famer) Joan Collins as Fontaine Khaled. That name is fucking spectacular.

Fontaine and The Stud are lovers! He is her private stud and when she calls, he drops what he’s doing doing to go be with her. Oh I get it, she owns the nightclub and she demands certain favors from him when her rich husband isn’t home. Their first sex scene is oddly rapey with the odds in Fontaine’s favors. Apparently, British people had bad disco music and shitty exclusive nightclubs too. The worst disco song ever written is in this movie. Here’s a sample of the lyrics: “Let’s go disco. Let’s go disco. Move your body to the beat. See that foxy lady, y’all. Sure knows how to use her feet. Drivin’ people crazy.”

This movie has an overabundance of catty rich people dialog. The nightclub sequences are pretty great though with heavy fuzz guitars and Brits grinding on each other. There’s also a reggae cowboy. I think he’s The Stud. Uh oh, there’s trouble in paradise. You see, Fontaine is taking advantage of The Stud. She likes playing games and dominating him. If you buy someone fancy clothes and give them a job, you are allowed to own them, sexually. That is offensive to me. It’s okay if men do that to women but not the other way around! I find powerful women threatening. Of course, I’m joking. What this movie thinks are provocative sexual politics are just faux steamy nonsense. It is grownups acting naughty in a movie that was dated the day before it came out. Now it’s all just stuffy and crass and loaded with unintentional comedy.

The Stud has plans to strike out on his own and open his own nightclub. Fontaine isn’t going to like that at all. If he isn’t wrapped around her little penis -oops, I mean finger- she will predictably try to destroy him. Even more predictably, The Stud is eyeing Fontaine’s stepdaughter Alex. The whole scene of him gazing at her across the dinner table is ridiculous. For starters, she is obviously jailbait and she is also kind of homely looking. I refer to her as “The Little Monster” but LeEtta says she’s not that bad. Alex finds out that The Stud and her stepmother are having an affair after she finds one of Fontaine’s sex tapes. This pisses her off so she decides that she is going to fuck The Stud.

I’m trying to figure out why this has (almost) the lowest rating on IMDB than all the other films in this moviethon. A 2.7 out of 10 is pretty spectacular in my book. Trashy as this is, The Wiz is way worse in my book. Now people are giving The Stud some uppers. He travels to Paris to hook up with Fontaine at an orgy her friends have planned. This makes the soundtrack go crazy. It sounds like someone is trying to molest a synthesizer. The orgy sequence is musically insane but pretty disappointing in terms of numbers of orgy particpants. The Stud passes out and wakes up to find that he’s being pleasured by a dude. He freaks out and takes off. In that one scene, this movie has more gay in it than Can’t Stop the Music. Meanwhile, back in England, Fontaine’s husband finds her little sex tape. Wuh woh, this could be twouble!

Everything goes to shit for The Stud and it is easily the most interesting part of the movie. Seeing him humbled and actually heartbroken over jailbait Alex is pretty fun and embarrassing. His friend tells him there are two types of women: the kind that pick you up and screw you and the kind that pick you up and screw with your head. I have to agree with him. I simply cannot think of a third type of woman. The end of this movie is pretty great. The Stud doesn’t come out on top but he learns a lesson. (I can’t believe I’m rooting for this fucking guy.) This film is educational.

bitch

“Do you like to fuck, Ricky?”

1:30pm – The Bitch

I guess The Stud must have been a hit because the most despicable character from that film gets their own sequel. Joan Collins is back as Fontaine AKA The Bitch. Her theme song is even more funky fresh than The Stud’s. This film is a soft focus sleazefest with an even crappier script than its predecessor. Fontaine flies from New York to England and meets a scheister named Nico on the plane. He is a debonair sort with a penchant for lifting ladies’ jewelry. He steals some crazy expensive ring from Fontaine while she’s asleep on the plane. More problems face her back in England as she finds that her nightclub called Hobo (???) is doing really shitty. In a scene that is amazingly appropriate for this film, Fontaine and her friend dance together on a mostly deserted dance floor.

That night, Fontaine goes home and has sex with her driver named Ricky (played by Peter Wright). The next morning she gives him the cold shoulder and puts him in his place. Meanwhile, Nico hooks up with Hal (played by John Ratzenberger from “Cheers”) who is going to help him fence the ring he stole. But he’s lost it? What? It’s a plot point that is so dumb that I probably missed something. One thing I know for sure, Nico is in trouble with the mob and needs a big score. Anyway, he and Hal are planning something criminal and start following Fontaine around. There is a scene where her lawyer advises her that she is losing money like crazy. For you Eurohorror fans out of there: Nico is played by Antonio Cantafora of Baron Blood and Demons 2.

We get lots of super colorful nightclub scenes as Fontaine is checking out her competition in the nightclub circuit. Ah, poor Ricky seems to have fallen for The Bitch. Big mistake. Fontaine calls up Nico and asks him the age old question: “Nico, have you ever played backgammon in bed?” They have sex and she keeps her nightgown on during it. She was naked like 5 minutes ago. Why the modesty now? The following morning, she catches him going through her valuables and she’s not overly enthused about it. Okay, this movie is apparently a 2.4 on IMDB and I see why. It’s just boring. Mixing in the mafia just makes it more obvious that there is nothing going on. Seeing Ratzenberger tear up the dance floor is the best part of the movie. Mental note: I need to steal that duder’s moves.

xanadu

“We want Abba! We want Abba! We want Abba!”

3:06pm – Abba: The Movie (1977)

Ladies and gentleman, your palate cleanser has arrived. After that dull slice of trash, I hope something as wonderful and pure as an Australian film starring Abba will clear the air. From what I’ve read, this is a tenuous plot stapled onto concert film. It’s a clever (not really) way to disguise a documentary about Abba. A dumbass DJ named Ashley is supposed to interview the band for his radio station. He has no clout and no clue what the hell he is doing. Damn it, when Abba hits the stage in this movie, it is just awesome. I really do love this band. Their music has been with me my whole life. This film almost makes up for that Mamma Mia! movie bullshit. Anyway, I’m going to sit back and just enjoy the show. I took a little nap just now, woke up, and then I got all teared up during “Fernando”. I definitely dig this flick. What a wonderful way to spend 95 minutes of my birthday.

nocturna

“Give it to her, Theodore, right smack in the entertainment center!”

4:50pm – Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula (1979)

Just a few minutes into this and we realize three things: 1) this is likely a rip-off of Love at First Bite, 2) Nai Bonet, the woman who plays Nocturna, is already up for Worst Actress of the moviethon, and 3) the director goes by the name of Harry Tampa. Brother Theodore (of The ‘Burbs) plays Theodore, a werewolf servant of the Dracula family that is in love/lust with Nocturna and John Carradine plays an aging and whiny Dracula who wears dentures and has to go pee pee when he wakes up from his coffin. Times are so tough that Castle Dracula is now open as a hotel. They have hired a disco band to entertain the guests and Nocturna takes a liking to the hunky guitar player named Jimmy (played by Antony Hamilton). He teaches her how to dance and it is seriously pure genius. She claims not to know how to dance but Jimmy looks like a half rigor mortis chicken out on the floor.

Theodore has this horrible habit of literally wagging his tongue at Nocturna and I have to look away. At the disco party, Nocturna actually clears the floor by spinning like a top, her pink gown keeps hitting people in the face and they are forced to get the fuck out of her way. Of course, she has fallen in love with Jimmy and they fly away to New York together. She has to stay with a distant relative named Jugulia Vein (played by Yvonne De Carlo). This movie can’t possibly go on and yet it does. Nocturna cannot fucking act. She just smiles like a fool during entire scenes of dialog. It’s embarrassing to watch. Everyone (except for Theodore) is out-acting her. She attends a meeting of the BSA: Blood Suckers of America. Hee hee hee, so funny.

Man, this moviethon is killing me. I can’t remember ever sitting through this many piss poor movies ever. Even Doomed Divas was easier than this. The only character I like in this fart sandwich of a movie is R.H. Factor, the vampire pimp. He is played by Sy Richardson from Repo Man (that just blows my mind)! He owns a club called the Tricky Hickey. The scene where R.H.’s ladies trick a john into thinking he is gonna get some and drain his blood instead is pretty uncomfortable. It plays out like a porno but there’s no music or screwing. The disco scenes in New York are good and luckily, they don’t feature Nocturna at all. I bet Theodore and Count Dracula are gonna come to New York to try and force Nocturna to give up Jimmy. I hope they succeed or fail or whatever.

discogodfather

“Sweetmeat, I don’t believe that shit! Anywhere there’s a dollar
concerned you rhinestone studded punks is out to get it and I know it!”

7:07pm – Disco Godfather (1979)

Here is another film that I have actually seen before. I rented this Blaxploitation gem on VHS from Blockbuster back in the day as The Avenging Disco Godfather and it was a huge hit with my friends and I. Rudy Ray Moore is the Disco Godfather and his entrance is outstanding. He enters the disco and the place is lit up by the sequins on a jumpsuit that Elvis would have been too shy to wear even on his most drug-addled day. Julius Carry is in this as Bucky. He is known around this apartment as Lord Bowler of The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Bucky is the nephew of the Disco Godfather, star of the basketball team and he’s been smoking too much of that stuff. What stuff? I don’t know.

When the Disco Godfather isn’t rhyming and working the equalizer at the DJ booth, he is telling people over and over to again to “put your weight on it”. The fun is spoiled by Bucky when he overdoses on that bad stuff he was smoking. He sees zombies and a crazy vampire lady with a samurai sword. It is sublime. A very informative doctor explains to the Disco Godfather that the drug Bucky had was “Angel Dust” AKA “PCP” AKA “The French Spider Cookie” (I might have made that last one up). In the hospital, Bucky’s hallucinations continue. This time the witch chops off his hand so he can’t play basketball anymore. That’s it! The Disco Godfather has had it! He’s going to take on this Angel Dust phenomenon and put a stop to it once and for all.

The DG (that’s short for “Disco Godfather”, BTW (and that’s short for “by the way”)) comes back to his club to find two suckas posing as telephone repair men. He beats the living shit out of them but they manage to get away. He knows that he has made somebody nervous but who? Not that any of this matters because the film treats us to some subpar roller boogie. You know what though, who am I to judge? Maybe there is no such thing as subpar roller boogie. The camera guy is in love with some these ladies in leotards. Shots of their booties just linger on and on. FYI (that’s short for “for your informativeness”), I ain’t complainin’. The Disco Godfather is wearing a new jumpsuit. This one is purple and exposes his chest all the way down to his belly for all the world. LeEtta wonders if he shops at Frederick’s of Hollywood. A gentleman named Sweetmeat (played by Jimmy Lynch) is the villain of the film. I don’t know what else to say about that except he is probably the dumbest badguy ever.

DG is also a quick change artist because when goes back to his office, he is instantly back in a suit and tie. He hooks up with a community group called Angels Against Dust. They want to “Attack The Wack” and stop this drug. One lady at the press conference gets the slogan wrong and keeps saying “Wack the Attack”. At yet another disco sequence, DG really gets a little too into his speech and it is friggin’ magical to behold. Someone in charge of continuity should have noticed that the token white guy hasn’t changed clothes since this movie began. A hit is put out on DG but then someone puts a hit out on the hitmen. I’m not making that up. This plot point is actually spelled out for you in the dialog. Anyway, this all goes down at the nightclub with bullets flying and really crummy editing. The close-ups of Rudy Ray Moore during this sequence are priceless.

At a party at Sweetmeat’s place there is a big pile cocaine (baking powder) on a Saturday Night Fever record. Nice snub, duder. Have I even mentioned all the kung-fu fighting in this film? Well, there is a plethora of it. DG gets pushed too far when his old friend is killed and his old friend’s dead dog is nailed to his door. He goes after the pushers and he starts yelling at a drugged out kid named Richard (Bucky’s best friend). I pretend that he’s yelling at me. The cops and DG figure how who the snitch on the force is and the tension really starts heating up. Sweetmeat captures Tucker and gives him a mega-sized dose of Angel Dust and the whole movie goes totally batshit crazy. While it is about 10 minutes too long, this movie will tear you a new one, I promise.

discofever

“You can never have enough women, Rich. The more you have,
the less in touch with reality you are.”

8:51pm – Disco Fever (1978)

My brain is thrashed right now. I can barely go on… And yet… I must…

At a nightclub called Cybil’s there is disco dancing. Wow. Really poorly choreographed and bad disco dancing. The audience is clapping along like zombies. The owner of club, named Cybil (played by Phoebe Dorin), tries to make a sexual innuendo but fails miserably. Enter Fabian as Richie Desmond, a washed up rock star from the good old days. He is bearded and looking pretty surly. Fabian goes method? Enter Casey Kasem as Brian Parker, his scumbag manager. Kasem goes method? These two actors have another thing in common: they don’t give a shit about this movie. The faded print of this bootleg and the obscurity of this title both contribute to the stink of failure hanging pouring out of my television right now.

They show a TV special about Richie Desmond on TV and it gets Cybil interested in him. Maybe this could be his lucky break. Cybil is a dang jerk. She bosses around her assistant Renny like she was her slave. Cybil wants to help Richie make a comeback but she is being a total fuckface about it. I really hate her. She takes Richie to a tarmac and shows him a plane. This plane is going to be a nightclub and she wants Richie to perform his old songs for the people at 35,000 feet. That’s her plan? Is this going to be a disco disaster movie? Cybil wants to fuck Richie but he is not interested. Of course, she’s an asshole about that too.

Some chick is getting harassed by a bunch of pieces of shit in a van. They want her to get high but she doesn’t want to. She runs away and Richie helps her get into the nightclub. Her name is Jill and she is falling for Richie. LeEtta baked me a delightful birthday cake today. It was yellow cake with vanilla icing. I am so happy and fat right now. When Richie performs his new song called “Movin’ On” at the nightclub, all of the people dancing start sharting blood out of their mouths. When Jill’s old boyfriend tries to harass her, Richie kicks the guy right in the dick. That was awesome. In the very next scene, Brian is half-raping some terrible chick he brought home from the club. He tricks her into snorting talcum powder off the shag carpet. Cybil shows up drunk just to be a bitch again.

Then the movie explodes into life with what I’ve been waiting for all through this moviethon: Motocross! LeEtta says that since there hasn’t been any roller-skating, they had to do something! Jill is a motocross chick and her old friends are too. They show up at the race and try to kill her on the track. A car gets wrecked and lots of stunts happen. It is simply enthralling. Cybil shows her hand and it is revealed that poor old Richie Desmond is going to open for some other singer and he can’t play any of his new material. Her contract (which his “friend” Brian tricked him into signing) stipulates that she controls the content of Richie’s live performances for not just the night of the big show but also FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS! Does no one else think that this whole nightclub in an airplane thing is nuts?

People are piling onto the plane and all I can think of is did anyone give the pilot some talcum powder to snort? That (hopefully) could lead to some tragic results. The tragic results are Richie chucking his contract and playing his new songs. This shit is mesmerizingly bad. Renny stands up to Cybil and quits (the best part of the movie). The movie ends with Renny and Richie on the tarmac. She secretly stole the contracts and everything is gonna be okay! Last line of the movie: “You wanna go split a cheeseburger?” None of the stuff with Jill is resolved. Is Richie with Renny now? Why is that I can secretly enjoy something this bad? Perhaps, we’ll never know.

Conclusion

I am a broken man. I feel like someone with shit on their shoes did The Hustle on my mind. Saturday Night Fever is sitting there, looking at me. You know what? I do not give a dang. LeEtta told me that she thinks she had disco dreams last night. What have I done? I suspect that I have dug deep, deeeeep into a subgenre that no one should ever have looked into. How can films from a subgenre meant to make people dance in the aisles and have fun be so painful to sit through? All of these “Me Generation” dickwads deserve a beating. I have a sneaking suspicion that the best disco movies out there are probably just late 70s pornos. Oh well, I still love disco music and I have found a couple of movies that I will happily add to my collection so maybe I should just stop complaining. Thanks for reading, y’all. Now go and shake your groove thangs.

The Last Annual Disco of Death Awards Ceremony

Best Song: Abba – “Waterloo”

Worst Song: Fabian – “Movin’ On”

Best Actor: Ivan Dixon as “Lonnie” – Car Wash

Best Actress: Lorraine Gary as “Hysterical Woman (AKA Puke Hater)” – Car Wash

Worst Actor: Jim Bray as “Bobby” in Roller Boogie

Worst Actress: Nai Bonet as “Nocturna” in Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula

Best Musical Number: “Lucy In The Sky with Diamonds” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Musical Number: Nocturna learns to dance – Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula

Best Dressed: Donald Pleasence as “B.D. Hoffler” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Dressed: Fabian as “Richie Desmond” – Disco Fever

Worst Title Sequence: Skatetown USA

Best Surprise Casting: Carole Channing as “Guest at Heartland” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Surprise Casting: Scott Baio as “Richie”- Skatetown USA

Best Film: Skatetown USA

Worst Film: The Wiz