If Bava is the Father, Argento the Son, then Fulci must be the Holy Ghost! Seriously though, I am super psyched about finally getting around to this moviethon. Mario Bava was a genius of not only creating visually stunning masterpieces but he could also turn a mediocre script into something magical. He could also create richly rewarding films with nearly endless threads of ideas waiting to be uncovered and explored.

Despite all my enthusiasm, I still worry about Mario Bava or rather I worry about what his films will do to me. You see, his movies have this annoying habit of inducing sleepiness in me. They aren’t dull films but they have this ethereal quality that puts me in a drowsy state. This is why I’m nervous. Nodding off during a moviethon pisses me off. But what if the director wants me to dream?

I also have another problem: I’m totally intimidated when it comes to writing about Mario Bava. There are some Bava experts out there (like Tim Lucas, author of the massive Bava book, Mario Bava: All the Colors of the Dark) and I feel like a total amateur even approaching this stuff. So, in my usual moviethoner style, I will record the experience of watching these films and leave the critical thinking to someone else.

Genres as disparate as Gothic horror, peplum (AKA sword and sandal), science fiction, action, crime thriller, and even a sex comedy will all be explored here. Mario Bava became a sought after cinematographer early on in his career. Once he paid his dues as a cameraman, he moved into directing and proved that he could make gorgeous genre pictures cheaply. Bava worked in many genres but his greatest work can be found in his horror films.

Friday Night

My wife LeEtta and I go to CVS to get supplies. Do we do this every moviethon? Probably. She picks up some wine and I get Sunkist, Mountain Dew, and Vitamin Water. We also get some chips since my friend Matt and his wife Rubis are going to be dropping by tonight for some of the Bava action. We then go to Taco Bell for some dinner. I know that I said I would eat healthier for these things but oh well… This is the way of the moviethon.

Shit, I’m very agitated at the moment. Friday afternoons at work always get me all wound up. Everything goes wrong on Friday and none of it happens until the last hour of my shift. Back at home, I scramble around doing some minor chores so that our apartment will be presentable for guests. I also spend a lot of time cleaning my filthy glasses. When I’m finally done being a grumpy goof, we turn off an awful Clark Gable movie on TCM and get this party started. Quickly.

“My lips are dead without your kisses.”

5:34pm

Black Sabbath

Boris Karloff introduces us to the world of Mario Bava. The first story in this trilogy of horror tales is ‘The Telephone’. It features a crazy hot chick named Rosy (played by French actress Michèle Mercier) being menaced by a mysterious caller. No matter what she does to hide from her stalker, he seems to know every step she takes, every move she makes. I’m channeling Gordon Sumner.

This creep makes it very clear that he ain’t after her body for the sexy, he wants to kill her. This claustrophobic little tale is so exquisitely shot. I love her tiny apartment with the lovely and mesmerizing stucco walls. The hot and bright colors of Rosy’s gaudy décor are set off perfectly by this cold white backdrop. There’s that dang bed that Bava loved to use over and over again. It will be making numerous appearances in this moviethon. The caller reveals himself as Frank, Rosy’s ex-boyfriend who has just busted out of jail.

Good thinking, Rosy, call your lesbian friend Mary (played by Lidia Alfonsi). She will help you and only be hella creepy about being alone with you in the process. Mary shows up in her bulletproof dress looking absolutely stunning. They settle in for the night and Mary offers Rosy a lesbian tranquilizer. Frank (Milo Quesada) shows up in the middle of the night with murder on his mind. This neat little number wraps up perfectly.

The second story, ‘The Wurdalak’, is a much more gruesome tale starring the toothy Mark Damon as Count Vladimir, a strapping young traveler with incredibly shitty luck. He finds a decapitated corpse and decides to take it to a nearby house. There he finds out that the corpse belongs to a person suspected of being a wurdalak (that’s a vampire, by the way).

Boris Karloff is Gorca, the master of this household full of suspicious and superstitious folks. These people are very scared and- HOLY SHIT! Did I mention how hot Sdenka (played by Susy Andersen) is? Vladimir falls in love with her immediately. This segment of Black Sabbath is sumptuously lit and its gothic atmosphere is hypnotizing. Oh, the chills that run down my spine when the canned dog howls…

As night approaches, the tension inside the house starts to crank up one notch at a time. When Gorca returns, the fam immediately notices that there is something different about him. C’mon people, the guy is such a wurdalak! Make with the heart stabbing and the decapitating. Oops, too late. He just took the kid! Oh, you poor peasants. You’re all screwed now.

Vladimir has an idea: I’ll just take the hot chick and we’ll run off together. But Sdenka won’t go, she knows she’s already damned to share the fate of her family. One thing I love about this tale is that evil casually floats towards you because it knows you don’t stand a chance. The battle is already decided. U R FUKT.

Our final tale is ‘The Drop of Water’. Oh yes, we’ve saved the best for last. I hope you guys like flashing green lights. Who am I talking to? Our not so nice heroine is Miss Helen Chester (played by Jacqueline Pierreux). The mistress of the house where Helen is a maid died while conducting a séance. It’s too bad that her final séance didn’t take place on camera. I loves me a good séance!

The corpse of the lady of the house is as grotesque as she can be, her face frozen in a terrible death grin. There are cats everywhere in this old house and creepy baby dolls too. Miss Chester decides to steal a ring off the corpse (and stuff it into her ample bosom). I highly doubt that this is not going to end well.

A spilled glass of water provides the calling card of our vengeful spirit. The sound of dripping water lets you know that you done did some dead person very wrong and they are coming to get you, ayup. Everything about this little blood-curdling tale is perfect. The mood gets creepier and creepier every minute. The lighting is masterful, pulsing and persistent.

Hey there’s a familiar face (it’s Harriet Medin from Riccardo Freda’s The Ghost). Agh, good lord, this story has an unsettling final shot. Boris Karloff bids us farewell but not without a warning to watch our backs on our way home. I suddenly have the feeling that this is going to be a fucking awesome moviethon, y’all.

“I told you I’d cross your name off the human register.”

7:11 pm

Danger: Diabolik

I have fond memories of this film from when it would show up on Saturday morning TV when I was a kid. At the time, I had no idea that this was from Mario Bava or even that it was Italian. Diabolik is one of the most unique and bizarre action flicks ever made. The bank manager and the inspector have sent out a distraction, a fake police escort to trick the underworld and especially Diabolik (played by John Phillip Law) from guessing where the money is.

They send out these two idiots disguised as diplomats to guard the real $10 million. Oh shit, this soundtrack is bad ass. Some kickass Ennio Morricone jazz keeps things moving. Diabolik’s laugh is a killer. I hope I can still hear it when I try to sleep tonight. Deep deep dah! This music is orgasmic! And so are the sped up car chases! Marisa Mell is Eva, Diabolik’s special lady friend and she is five kinds of sexay!

This film contains the most amazing sets ever. Diabolik’s lair is a feast for the eyes. Beautiful painted backdrops and kooky devices abound. Legendary British comedic actor Terry Thomas plays the idiotic Minister of Finance. Diabolik and Eva really, really like each other a lot. They just made that pile of dirty money even dirtier! They gas the press conference with “exhilarating gas” but Eva and Diabolik are not affected because they took their “anti-exhilarating gas” pills? Diabolik, you crazy!

Our friends, Matt and Rubis arrive and are amazed by our little comic book adventure tale. The police crack down on the criminal underbelly. That means stopping all those evil hippies from doing their crazy dances and smoking their wacky weed. The bad guy, Valmont (Adolfo Celi of Who Saw Her Die?) is a pretty bad guy, let me tells ya. This dialogue is outstanding! You can predict almost every line before it’s spoken.

What I remember the most is Diabolik’s numerous jumpsuits that match his environments (which was parodied to great effect by the Beastie Boys). Them goofy gadgets sure is a hoot, ain’t they? Attack of the blue screen! Diabolik’s leg just disappeared. He’s all about this Jingko man. Diabolik’s pursuers are really persistent. It’s like they’re more than just a little attracted to him. I know I am.

This is the sweet miracle of this movie. Mario Bava’s visual effects are totally genius. This man cannot be caught. Not even death (or a really convincing coma) can stop him. They be blowin’ up the fake ass model buildings y’all. To protect the gubbment and the economy, the Minister of Finance and his cronies are transporting this giant hunk of gold to somewhere. Of course, Diabolik has other plans for the gold. Man, this is Eurotastic!

Cigar & Dinner Break

Matt and I head out for a smoke. He bums a clove from LeEtta’s stash while I smoke a huge Casa Fernandez cigar while drinking a Vitamin Water (XXX flavor). It’s cold out so Matt ducks back in while I do battle with my Nicaraguan delight. Dang, it is really friggin’ cold out here. I turn off the patio light and look up at the sky. The clouds are very high and wispy. They’re being stretched out like brush strokes. Suddenly it occurs to me that Bava painted this backdrop. I’m in a dang matte painting.

We get pizza from Vocelli’s and we harass the delivery guy because we are confused by the order. Matt tips him well which is good because we immediately realize that the order is just fine. I’m getting my eat on with one hand when while putting the next movie in the DVD player with the other.

“I cling to my hatred as I cling to this dagger.”

10:27 pm

The Whip and the Body

Mr. Bava is credited here as John M. Old. Giorgia (Harriet Medin again) is our haunted housekeeper. Luciano Pigozzi has finally showed up. You can bet your sweet bippy that we’ll be seeing a great deal of him in this moviethon. Christopher Lee plays Kurt, the prodigal son who has returned and will bring about the destruction of this damaged family. He sexed up a servant girl (Giorgia’s daughter) and she committed suicide with a dagger that Giorgia keeps in a commemorative glass case. What the hell is that centerpiece? Donuts and baby skulls? Please papa, give me my patrimony! The lovely beach scenes are so melodramatic it hurts and this soundtrack by prolific composer Carlo Rustichelli is getting into my bloodstream.

Oh yes, Navenka (the insanely sexy Daliah Lavi) likes it but only the way Kurt can give it to her. She is Kurt’s ex and she is a dirty, dirty girl! Whip her! Whip her real good! Katia, the spurned and lovelorn girl, is played by the gorgeous Ida Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart (star of many Giallos). She wants to marry Christian (Tony Kendall) but he’s all hung up on masochistic Nevenka. Dang, this is Midsummer Night’s Dream Italian style. We’ve got some serious atmosphere here, folks. The wind never stops blowing.

Oh snap, Kurt just got a dagger in the neck! And not just any dagger either; THE DAGGER! We are treated to a great funeral scene. Sound design is an important factor in this movie as we hear the faint sounds of the whipping which torment Navenka. Now Kurt’s ghost is all up in her grill. I can’t believe those footprints just disappeared. I simply REFUSE to believe it! The color palette of this film is so decadent that it is interruptive. The red light falling on Navenka’s neck… Tony Kendall is super fantastic by the way.

This is precisely what an Italian horror movie is supposed to be: sexy, confusing, and ridiculously melodramatic. Man, what is up with these dang garbled subtitles? The story winds around and around. It builds and keeps building wonderfully. Secret passages, cobwebs, and coffins; what more could you ask for? This is one of Italy’s finest moments. The Whip and the Body gets better every time I watch it. The ending (which I won’t spoil for you here) is full on rockin’ awesome.

Short Break

Matt and Rubis have left us but their gifts include leftover desert pizza and more leftover pizza. They are good people. Take the beer with you, Matt. Beer is repellant. Those are my words. Why do people think I’m being sarcastic when I say I hate beer? Anyway, we turn the heat on as I try to get some feeling back in my frozen toes. This is Florida by the way. So you can just imagine how cold it’s getting.

“A woman should live only until her wedding night. Love once and then die.”

11:57 pm

Hatchet for the Honeymoon

The opening credits tell me all I need to know: DAGMAR LASSANDER! The opening music is a cascade of lounge schmaltz trash on the rocks with a twist of polyester and cheese. This is Bava in late ‘60s drive-in mode and Hatchet for the Honeymoon is one of his most underrated films. John Harrington (played by Stephen Forsyth), our main duder is haunted by blurry memories and is quite in touch with his craziness. He knows he is a madman and he seems to like it. John is compelled to kill women on their wedding night by something he can’t quite remember.

There is much technical trickery from director/cinematographer Bava to be found in this little piece of brilliance. Sweet Dagmar plays Helen Wood (yeah, I bet she WOOD), a lovely little lass. John’s got a secret hideaway place and it’s not his butt. I feel I have to mention that this movie makes me sleepy though I refuse to fall asleep. We’ve just drifted into something sweet and strange. John’s mannequin makeout sessions are adorable. Then the crazy echo guitar and synthesizers kick in. This segues right into a séance and I couldn’t be happier. What a delight!

John’s wife Mildred is played by the very odd Laura Betti (who we’ll see again later in Bay of Blood). Mildred talks to the spirit world while someone hums a lullaby. Classic. The inspector (Jesús Puente) shows up and starts nosing around. John kills brides! And now we’ve got fashion models that dress like brides. Oh you silly bitch, don’t tell your boss that you’re getting married. He is totally going to kill you! But I guess it’s okay. John is killing because he has to. The trippy camera tricks are so totally bitchin’ like I can’t like believe my eyes and stuff. Wait a second, shouldn’t this be called Meat Cleaver for the Honeymoon?

I ask: “Um, if that cremator is so hot then how can he pull the tray out with his bare hands?”

LeEtta whispers: “Supah powahs!”

Mildred is just begging to get hit with his meat cleaver. Mainly, it is because she really hates grapes. Helen likes to amuse herself doing ‘crazy’ things! I’m the same way. The non-horror sections of the soundtrack are elevator drone frenzy. LeEtta is starting to doze off. She’s so lucky! I want to be the one dreaming of this movie, not watching it! Hey look at that, John’s watching a scene from ‘The Wurdalak’ on TV and the dialogue has been changed to make it sound like a soap opera.

This mansion is gorgeous and boy does that headboard look familiar (probably because we saw it in ‘The Telephone’). Mildred wants some action but John can’t give it to her. Ha ha, they’ve never made love. What a couple of idiots! People who have marital problems are all serial killers. Marital strife reaches a fever pitch as John is coming after Mildred with the meat cleaver. Hmm, I can’t tell if she’s scared, happy, or horny about it. I’m feeling all three of those myself right now.

The cops show up for a little Telltale Heart action as Mildred’s body is dripping blood from the top of the stairs. Why don’t they just start tearing Mr. Harrington’s goddamned mansion apart? Since when do Italian cops do things by the book? John is such a lucky bastard. I need a little doppelganger of my younger self hanging around me constantly. Cool and spooky moments abound as Mildred’s spirit doesn’t stay departed for long. LeEtta wakes up and announces that she is going to bed.

Broads with loose morals are drawn to the dreamy lady-killer John like flies. There is a shape coming up the stairs getting more and more tangible as it gets closer to the room and John is paralyzed by fear. Later, John goes clubbin’ with his wife’s ashes and some more ghostly hijinks ensue. These are the wonder years, my friends. It seems that his destroyed childhood drove him butt ass crazy. Creepy toys! This is supposed be taking place in France? I think someone’s mental condition is deteriorating rapidly. Taste the sweet irony of death, you dirty rat bastard. Well that’s it for tonight. I’m going to go to bed now. BAAAVAAAA!!!!

Saturday

We wake up at a reasonable hour. I slept like a rock! I try to remember my dreams but they’re gone before I can jot them down. Sorry, Mario. Maybe I’ll try making something up: Last night, I dreamed of hot air balloons and train tunnels. What do you think that means? LeE and I go to Einstein’s (big surprise!). After that, we go to Cigar Castle (which opens nice and early on Saturdays) and I get a couple of snobby expensive selections for today and tomorrow.

Finally, we go to 7-11 so I can get us lottery tickets, some Vitamin Waters (they have the Formula 50 flavor!), and a modest sized Slurpee for me. Enough doddling, time for Bava! I am going to be entering his world completely with my Saturday morning features. Gods, devils, and space vampires? Bring it.

“Well, I didn’t think Hades would be anything like this!”

10:44 am

Hercules in the Haunted World

I draw the curtains to shut out the morning sun and get knee deep in the peplum cinema. This is a genre I know absolutely jack squat about. The dubbing is priceless. Hercules (played by Reg Park) and Thesus (George Ardisson) got some problems. Evil duders are raiding! Oh noes! Jocasta is hot as hell! But the miniatures are even hotter. Go get Dianara you magnificent bastard. Christopher Lee is back in the moviethon as King Lico, the evil and scheming uncle of Princess Deianira. That’s good. Real good.

Deianira (played by Leonora Ruffo) rises from her stone coffin and she is a haunting vision of goddessness. Hercules tries to get through to her but she is cursed and thinks that he is dead. This delicious hunk of man is not dead, you silly beyatch! Hercules goes to the oracle to get some dang answers. Zeus, help me! He gets his list of instructions but before he can go save the day, he needs his buddy Thesus. Damn, Hercules just cock-blocked Thesus but for some reason he’s happy about it. I don’t understand these giant oily dudes.

Okay yeah, this is one beautiful Hercules movie. They get out onto the sea and everything goes red and blue. This strange world is so soothing and gorgeous yet it is tinged with danger. I think you just got dosed, Hercules. We all sleepy now. The film kindly delivers a dash of sexiness from the fine womens of Hesperides. Look lady, just tell me where the G-damn golden apple is! Oh, it’s up this giant tree right here? Thanks so much!

The creature that tries to eat Hercules’s buddies looks like something out of a Japanese monster movie. Oh my Gods, that friggin’ thing just talked! Don’t trust Hades, it be schemin’. I don’t think I’ll become a fan of this genre anytime soon but this is just so freakin’ cool. Evil ladies in chains, bubbling lava, the fetid winds of Hades, and tree roots that bleed. Sign me up. Oops, scratch that. Man down! Man down! We just lost Thesus. Nooooooo!

Okay, never mind. Thesus is back and is dumber than ever (there’s a spoiler for you). He has pissed off Pluto by taking his favorite daughter without mentioning it to anyone. Now King Lico needs to steal Deianira’s blood by flaying her and then somehow transfusing it into his veins. I doubt we’re going to see that happen today. The flying undead (which are actually pretty frightening) come after Hercules as he tries to save the day from the evil Licos. This is one rollicking adventure, I tells ya. Christopher Lee’s skeleton hand dagger is cool as shit. It’s all fun and games until somebody offends the Gods.

“Emergency, emergency! Conditions desperate. Little chance of survival. Help us!”

12:21 pm

Planet of the Vampires

I must confess that this movie destroyed me the first time I watched it. First, it bored me to tears and then it eventually lulled me into a deep sleep long before the final credits rolled. Now I return to it and I think that this highly stylized spaceship goofiness is just what I need right now. “In 60 fractions of megon, we’ll start the landing maneuver.” Okay, fucker, when the hell is that exactly?

Those leather outfits are pretty impressive. They manage to crash land the ship safely but the crew starts going bonkers. They are suddenly murderously violent, bent on destroying one another. I think I know what happened: They must have landed on the planet of Everyonzadouche. The landscape of this alien world is superbly realized. It’s all colored lights and fog machines and it’s brilliant.

Hey Captain Mark (played by Barry Sullivan), why don’t you tell us to calm down again? It will do us a whole lot of good, you magnificent son of a bitch. I can’t believe what a fool I was not to be completely gaga over this hot slice of eye candy and ridiculous dialog. I should have teamed this with Hercules in the Haunted World and Diabolik for a seriously sweet triple feature. The shot of the fog rolling over the silver graves of their comrades is magnificent!

The undead spacemen rise from their cellophane tombs in grand slow motion. This is where Dr. Bava earned his PHD from the school of Kickassiness. Giant skeletons of unearthly creatures and their ghostly voices mumbling in a horrid unknown language echoing through giant decaying catacombs- I mean, a spaceship. H.P. Lovecraft, anyone? I wonder if someone was inspired by this film and then made millions off of it. I’m looking at you, Ridley Scott.

“Empty faces! Dead faces!” Tiona (played by Evi Marandi) screams while lying naked and sweaty under some very thin sheets as her super sexy redhead ladyfriend Sanya tries to calm her. Hey Sanya looks familiar and it’s probably because she’s Norma Bengell (of Sergio Corbucci’s Hellbenders). God damn it, this movie (a perfect blend of science fiction and gothic horror, by the way) is a super good time! There’s even some gory surprises and cool jumps scares.

Ah, poor aliens. “Hey dudes, can you guys give us a lift? IN YOUR DEAD BODIES!?!?!” There’s one hell of a throwdown as the remaining humans and the space vampires battle for the only working meteor rejecter on the planet. Oh, the deliciously evil irony at the end of the film is quite delightful. I am kind of an idiot for not loving this movie the first time around.

Lunch

LeEtta bakes red potatoes and fresh Brussels sprouts for a healthy lunch which will hopefully balance out last night’s junk food transgressions. Oh, the sprouts are fantastic! They are perfectly cooked all the way through and covered in Cavender’s Greek seasoning and olive oil. The red potatoes are also perfect. They are lighter than regular potatoes and not nearly as starchy as what I’m used to.

“Come here, Miss Innocent, and I’ll teach you a new game!”

2:05 pm

Four Times that Night

Mr. Space Vampires directs this swingin’ sex comedy take on Akira Kurosawa’s Rashômon. What was that? No, I am not making this up. Once you hear the sassy jazz soundtrack of the animated credit sequence, you’ll be powerless to resist this film’s seductive powers. This creepy perv bastard likes to drive around the park trying to score. But he’s Gianni (played by Brett Halsey) and he can have any woman he wants.

Gianni manages to convince the luscious but innocent Tina (the lovely Daniela Giordano) to go on a date with him. Off to the disco they go. When Tina decides that it’s time to go home is where the story takes off in a new direction. We flash ahead to 3:30 in the morning where she comes home with a torn dress and a story to tell her worried mother. In Tina’s side of the story, Gianni is pretty creepy bastard.

Shouldn’t someone be concerned about that freaky janitor/security guard (played by trash producer extraordinaire Dick Randall)? He looks like a professional sex maniac. Uh oh, pervert Gianni takes Tina back to his place, strips down to his bikini underwear, and tries to molest her. We rewind back to the park for Gianni’s side of the story. Now Gianni is the shy one. Even Tina’s spinster mother is transformed into a ravenous vamp in his version.

The way Gianni tells it, Tina is an aggressive sex kitten but it’s totally understandable. What woman can resist a man with a badass bachelor pad and a bottomless supply of J&B? Four Times that Night is sexy and funny! It’s like a comedy with sexual situations! And now it’s time for the less-than-reliable and lascivious janitor to tell his side of the story. This should be good.

According to this degenerate, Gianni’s date with Tina turns into a foursome with Gianni’s weird friends back at his place. Gianni is gay and wants his friend Giorgio while Tina is seduced by Esmerelda (French actress Pascale Petit), the lesbian. Esmerelda: “I met Gianni in a club full of gays.” Hold on, was that a flashback within a flashback? Now that is good storytelling, my friends.

Okay, so this is just a little politically incorrect. Luckily for us confused and offended viewers, a psychologist steps in to give us the ‘truth’. He shows us the fourth and final possible story of the events of that night. Of course, the final version, where everything from the subjective tales comes together, is the best. This definitely isn’t one of my favorites from Bava but it is just kooky and fun enough for an old stick in the mud like me.

Nap!

Four Times That Night almost got me! I was starting to get really snoozy by the end. I tell LeEtta to wake me by 5:00 if I’m not up already. One delightful power nap later, I wake up on my own exactly when I want to. Groggy but in good spirits, I’m ready for the next movie. LeEtta takes a break from her computering to rejoin the moviethon.

“Only murders kill.”

5:13 pm

5 Dolls for an August Moon

This wild and wacky giallo is a classic case of Bava taking a shit script and turning it into gold. With interchangeable characters and a convoluted plot, there’s almost nothing to it at all. Professor Farrell (played by William Berger) has a secret formula and everyone wants to buy it. When he won’t sell, people start turning up dead. A few twists and then it’s over. Goodnight, everyone!

But wait! Did I mention that the succulent Edwige Fenech is in this one? LeEtta asks me if that means she’s relatively hearty in dry climates. I say yes and I truly mean it this time. There are love triangles, some straight and some lesbian. The sexy soundtrack by Piero Umiliani melts in your mouth like ribald candy. The fashions and set designs were chic for about 5 seconds in 1970.

LeEtta: (to Edwige Fenech) “Put your dress on, lady.”

Me: “No! Don’t you EVER tell her to do that!”

I love the jaunty music they play when they start stashing the murder victims’ bodies in the freezer. George (Teodoro Corrà), you suave son of a bitch. Your wife only has eyes for the raging lesbian affections of Trudy (played by Ira von Fürstenberg of The Fifth Cord) who also happens to be the professor’s wife. Okay Mr. Bava, is it day or is it night? The whole movie seems to take place in this perpetual twilight. Has it been days or has it been hours since the murders started?

A knock at the door (our real door, not one in the movie) means that our friend Shelly has just joined us for yet another moviethon. I sure hope she likes characters that like to buy formulas for industrial resins and who may or may not be willing to kill for them. I know I do! Those day for night filters aim to please. Don’t fuck with Trudy. She will super karate your ass! Jack (Howard Ross of New York Ripper and Werewolf Woman) is frightening but his underwear frightens us even more. We are all very happy when he puts some dang pants on.

This is the first film in the moviethon that is truly slumber inducing. Strange and unexplained things happen, murders even, and none of the characters gets all that bent out of shape about it. Speaking of weird, here is my run on sentence: The killer spikes the alcohol so that three of the remaining folks pass out and then makes the three unconscious characters disappear while they could have been rescued by some sailors passing through and then this mysterious person also manages to put everything back EXACTLY as it had been before these characters wake up again. This is some fucking confounding and convoluted bullshit right here.

And what’s with that freezer that keeps bodies and meat frozen but a barrel of fruit fresh at room temperature? These are the questions that 5 Dolls for an August Moon inspires. Getting shot causes George to make some weird noises. Industrial espionage and microfilm; they go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Hey, nice carrot placement! The big reveal at the end is astoundingly stupid but hella fun.

Cigar Break & Dinner

I smoke a cigar but it doesn’t have a label and I can’t remember what the hell it is. LeEtta and Shelly smoke clove cigarettes. LeEtta is drinking wine and Shelly is drinking Diet Mountain Dew. I drink regular Mountain Dew. This is the high life. Shelly and I go out for subs from Publix. The grocery store at night is so great. It is brightly lit but it is damn near empty. After we eat, Shelly switches to J&B which is an excellent way to go all things considered.

“Do you still think that I’m delusional? Or that I’m crazy?”

9:15 pm

The Girl Who Knew Too Much

We finally get to what is considered by some to be the very first giallo. The opening song is a nice and slinky slice of rock and roll. Thank you, Mr. Bava for the best TWA commercial ever. While flying to Rome to visit a sickly family friend, Nora (played by Letícia Román) mistakenly takes a pack of marijuana cigarettes from a stranger on the plane. Judging by her horrible snakeskin coat, she smokes them all the time. A young and strapping John Saxon (of Tenebre and A Nightmare on Elm Street) plays Dr. Marcello Bassi who clearly has a thing for Nora.

That nightie you got there is hella sexy, Miss Nora. But not such a great job taking care of Ethel, you jackass! She dies the first night you’re there? Bava’s black and white photography of Rome is razor sharp. After being knocked senseless by a purse-snatcher, Nora witnesses a murder. She passes out again and some helpful goofus gives her whiskey to help her wake up. Now the cop doesn’t believe her story because he thinks she’s a drunk.

Lookie there, another incredible funeral scene. There are all these little subtle touches that make the whole setting tangible and creepy. I don’t think I trust this weirdo named Laura (played by Valentina Cortese), who claims to be dead Ethyl’s friend. Nora decides to accept Laura’s offer to stay in her house. Now our heroine is alone and everything is getting wonderfully suspicious and creepy.

Nora is awesome! She is so obsessed with her murder mystery novels that she decides to treat this very dangerous situation like a game. Her complicated trap made with a maze of string and flour that she sets up to catch the killer is hilariously overdone. Poor love struck Marcello falls into the running joke (literally) by getting injured over and over again throughout the film.

An outstandingly eerie atmosphere creeps in at the deserted building with the swinging light fixtures. The voice guiding her through the building with the constantly shifting light is outstanding. Every clue leads to another twist of the story. But there’s comedy to keep things light. When Nora gets too close to the truth, the game isn’t so fun anymore.

“Child, do you think you can destroy me with a TRINKET!?!?!”

10:50 pm

Baron Blood

Let the soothing muzak of this lovely Pan Am commercial (I guess Bava lost his contract with TWA) that is passing as the opening credits take you to a special place. Peter (played by Antonio Cantafora) shows up in Austria to claim his newly inherited castle. Of course his castle is known as the ‘castle of the devils’ but that’s just a name, right? Elke Sommer (of Lisa and the Devil), is a truly magnificent woman! She plays Eva, an architectural student. Student? She looks old enough to be the teacher.

Luciano Pigozzi, you impish prankster! Little (freaky looking) Nicoletta Elmi of Deep Red and The Cursed Medallion is in this one too. The story of the evil Baron Otto von Kliest is pretty dark and twisted. He tortured people real good yeah he did. Elke Sommer is kind of um… bad in this movie. I love her, I really do but damn. Peter says: “Don’t worry, Eva, my turtleneck will protect us from any ancient incantations that I might read aloud in a haunted castle. I must never remove my turtleneck!”

Look, you two fuckin’ cheeseballs, do not read that incantation! Oops, too late! Eva and Peter just totally read the incantation summoning the naughty baron. Queue the wind and the fog machines. These locations are gorgeous. This castle is a godsend and, of course, it’s perfectly lit and shot. Hey, what the shit? They’re reading the spell to summon the malignant baron AGAIN? Really? You stupid asses deserve whatever comes your way.

The makeup on the baron is pretty dang grotesque. And he is certainly a force to be reckoned with. This guy is going through victims like something that goes through things fast. Joseph Cotton (of The Hellbenders and A Whisper in the Dark) is all up in this one, my friends. Did I mention how good this organ-laden soundtrack is? Composer Stelvio Cipriani is a man among men who are way, way not as cool as he is.

We are nearing the last phase of Bava’s film career and he is still in top form. There are strange, blurry moments of foreboding that are warnings that nobody pays attention to. The chase sequence through the campus at night is a foggy dream. Kristina the clairvoyant will help us. She will save the day in one of my favorite séance sequences of all time. Kristina is played by Ivan Rassimov’s frickin’ sister! I can’t even wrap my mind around that much awesomeness.

They summon the witch to fix this shit. I like how the little girl figures out the mystery. She tells the adults and they start to put everything together. They saved Eva’s worst outfit for last. The ending is the bomb. The baron’s victims come calling and they want to make him pay for his torturous crimes. Bless you, fish eye lens. The movies are over for tonight.

Sunday

I wake up around 8:30 and try to remember my dreams. The most distinct one is where this chick needed a face transplant (like in Eyes Without a Face) because of this degenerative face condition she had. This has nothing to do with Bava but at the worst stages she did kind of resemble the mutilated mug of the bloody Baron. In the same dream, I got arrested (I don’t know why) and my cousin Bonnie had to come bail me out and drive me back to Tampa which she wasn’t too happy about. Anyway…

We head out to Bob Evans (another surprise for a moviethon!) where I get a hotcake, their world famous biscuit sandwich with sausage, egg and cheese, and unsweetened iced tea. LeEtta gets the spinach and bacon benedict, coffee, and orange juice. Healthy? No, but these are soul fortifying foods. We need them because it isn’t just any Sunday. This is Black Sunday, y’all. I draw the curtains yet again, plunging our living room in the all too familiar dim reddish glow.

“Come, kiss me! My lips will transform you.”

10:37 am

Black Sunday

For some, this is the be all, end all of Mario Bava’s entire legacy. For me, it is proof that for a brief but wonderful time, the Italians had everyone trumped when it came to gothic horror. Don’t believe me? Take Black Sunday and Riccardo Freda’s The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock and compare them to anything the States had to offer at the time. Big eyed Barbara Steele will be our witchy woman for this horror classic. The terror is coming. It is going to be nailed to your face for all eternity. Enjoy.

Here is yet another example of Bava’s masterful command of black and white photography. Every single detail is captured by his meticulous eye and presented in stark hyper reality. Andre (a strapping young John Richardson (of Umberto Lenzi’s Eyeball)) and the Dr. Jackass (played by Andrea Checchi) just awakened a timeless evil in the form of a dead sleeping witch but I don’t hold it against them. Without dumbasses to stir up some shit, there’d be no horror movies.

The inhabitants of the village who are also the ancestors of the witch’s brother who condemned her to death 200 years ago are starting to get a little spooked. There is some nasty churning going on in them there rotting eye sockets, y’all. And now the witch’s evil cohort Igor (Arturo Dominici) has risen from the grave in a truly fabulous manner. What an entrance! I can still smell the syrup from my pancake on me. Now that’s terrifying.

Slow motion stagecoach! Doctor Butterkiss (yeah, I know that’s not his name) decides to get inside this strange coach and go along with the zombie duder. That’s smart. Now you’re totally trapped and our favorite vampiric witch is gonna feed on ya. “You will be dead to men but you will be alive in death!” Sounds like a pretty sweet gig to me.

The melodramatic music kicks in as Andre carries the lovely Steele after a wee fainting spell. This is some righteous gothic awesomeness. The funniest thing is that these superstitious people don’t like to talk about what they fear may be happening. They KNOW what’s going on, for God’s sake. Grab the pitchforks and some torches and let’s settle this shit, you friggin’ rednecks!

Secret passages, eh? I didn’t expect to find any of those in this CREEPY OLD CASTLE! Yes, let’s explore it! Let us arm ourselves with candles. That’s funny, I never noticed that nudie portrait of the witch before. That’s kind of trashy. But you know what, that is exactly what bitches do when they’re in league with the devil.

There are some pretty gory moments in this one. We get a nasty eye-gouging and a man is thrown into the fire where we get to see his head burn in all of its nasty and melty glory. Okay, so NOW the townspeople are all riled up. Took them freakin’ long enough. Everything’s gonna be all right! Rockabye!

“You guys are obnoxious pigs!”

12:14 pm

Rabid Dogs

Please Note: There is an alternate cut of this movie called Kidnapped. Do not under any circumstances watch this version. Though his intentions were good, Lamberto Bava totally fucked up his dad’s film by recutting, shooting new footage, and slapping a new and shitty soundtrack over the top.

We are now about as far away as we can get from Black Sunday. This is the versatile Bava keeping up with the times. As the crime film genre dominated the popular cinema, Bava directed this brutal thriller. Unfortunately, Rabid Dogs had some terrible production and casting problems and it took a very long time before it saw the light of day. This sweaty and grim crime drama is so different from everything else in Bava’s canon that I can’t help but love it.

These scumbag bandits (led by Maurice Poli) pull off a heist and turn to carjacking after their driver is shot and their getaway car is disabled. They take a female hostage, Maria (played by Lea Lander (who we’ll be seeing later in Blood and Black Lace)) after knifing her friend in a parking garage while surrounded by police. Next, they hijack a car with a man named Riccardo (Riccardo Cucciolla of Sacco and Vanzetti) at the wheel and his ill son in the backseat. Now we’re all good and ready to go on a little road trip straight to hell.

While the car (where most of this movie takes place) is loaded with excellent actors, my money is on George Eastman (AKA Luigi Montefiori). The guy is a giant and his character named 32 is an unhinged madman. Eastman is one of my favorite actors and this performance is one of his freakiest. His crazy competition comes in the form of the equally unhinged Bisturi played excellently by Don Backy AKA Aldo Caponi.

Bava expert Tim Lucas’s awesome audio commentary on this DVD is a major temptation for me. The guy’s encyclopedic knowledge about the entire Bava catalog is staggering and I want to get the scoop on the trivia for Rabid Dogs. But I’ll have to be an even nerdier nerd than I already am some other time as this intense film requires my total attention.

Damn it, these degenerates are driving me up the fucking wall! Their acts of savagery and general awfulness are very hard to watch. But that’s the nature of this film (and the entire Italian crime thriller genre for that matter). If these characters were cool or admirable for their callous and sick behavior then this would be a very different and much less rewarding film. Uh oh, 32 picked up a bottle of J&B. Now the shit is really going to hit the fan.

The look of horror on Bisturi’s face after 32 is shot intercut with the shots of a pinball machine is a sign that there is some unholy genius at work behind this one. It’s astonishing to me that this cut of the film, as it is presented here on this DVD, is a workprint. Thanks to some disastrous distribution issues, this isn’t even Bava’s final cut and it is still a brilliant movie. And the ending is so savagely ironic, it is wonderfully satisfying. Rabid Dogs may be a lot of work but it pays off big time.

Lunch

Nothing fancy. I boil some pasta, pour some sauce and sprinkle cheese over it. LeEtta joins me for a little food and then she heads back into the other room to get back on the computer. I occasionally interrupt her to let her know what she’s missing.

“Mama, I have to kill you.”

2:24 pm

Shock

Bava’s final horror film? Why, yes it is. “Marco, that’s my name.” And thus, we are introduced to one of the most annoying kids in Italian horror history. The throne eludes Marco (played by David Colin Jr. of Beyond the Door) because of the woefully irritating Bob in Fulci’s House by the Cemetery. I made sure to schedule this movie today because Shelly HATES Marco and I wouldn’t her want to suffer through him again. You know, I try to be somewhat accommodating to my moviethon guests.

Marco’s mother Dora (played by the lovely Daria Nicolodi) and her new husband Bruno (John Steiner of Tenebre) move into her old house. This house just happens to be where she and her dead husband Carlo used to live her. You see, Carlo was a junkie who killed himself and something tells me that his spirit hasn’t like moved on. Marco gets possessed by his dead daddy’s spirit and all sorts of ghostly gobbledygook takes place.

There’s a squirm-inducing incestuous theme running through this film. And that Punch and Judy show Marco and Dora watch in the park is far more traumatizing than that. There are some great jump scares hidden in this one. I’ve always felt that Shock was as much a product of Mario’s son, Lamberto Bava (who served as assistant director), as it was his own, especially when comparing it to Lamberto’s excellent psychosexual thriller Macabre.

My biggest issue with this film is that while it is very well shot, the vibrant color schemes that Bava once saturated his supernatural tales with are nowhere to be found. Luckily, the freaky sequences (like the rotting hand of Carlo’s corpse caressing Dora’s neck) are excellent and give this film the creepy edge that it needs. The presence of Ivan Rassimov, the film’s wild prog psychedelic score, and a case of J&B place this firmly in 70s Italian genre cinema.

Even though Daria Nicolodi’s dialogue is dubbed, her terrified and robust screams are not. When she is menaced by a flying boxcutter (I guess that would be her 9/11), Dora lets the world know of her terror by belting out some real blood-curdlers. As her son’s behavior gets more and more demented and the unexplainable occurrences become more frequent, Dora’s sanity begins to fracture.

Shock does have its low points. For instance, the psychobabble that Dr. Aldi (played by the super mega awesome badass Mr. Rassimov) spouts off in regards to Marco’s condition are lame as shit. And the Slinky. What is up with the friggin’ Slinky? Meh, I don’t even want to talk about it. I’m nitpicking. The last third of this film kicks so much ass that its boot is soaked in blood and poopoo. I must say that I regret typing that last sentence.

The strangeness… The strangeness… The ending makes me wish I’d found this one as a pre-teenager at the video store like I did with Pupi Avati’s Zeder. This movie’s climax gives me that wistful, haunted feeling from my childhood I used to get when watching horror movies. Bless you, Mario Bava.

“Die, you damned bitch! You and all your demonic creatures.”

4:03 pm

Kill Baby Kill!

This was the first Mario Bava film I ever watched (not counting Diabolik). I picked up the cheap Diamond DVD (along with Fulci’s House by the Cemetery and Seven Doors of Death) at Suncoast Video in the University Mall and it totally blew me away. Now Anchor Bay has finally, finally put this out in a nicely restored widescreen version. Kill Baby Kill! never lets up on its eerie atmosphere and it is easily one of Bava’s finest films.

Dr. Paul Eswai (played by Giacomo Rossi-Stuart of Death Smiled at Murder) has been called in to aid Inspector Kruger (Piero Lulli of My Dear Killer) in his investigation of some mysterious deaths in a small rundown village. The townspeople are suspicious of these two outsiders and are terrified by some unspoken horror lurking in the village. The doctor performs an autopsy (against the wishes of the superstitious locals) on a woman who recently died and finds something strange: a coin stuck inside her dang heart.

Paul is assisted by the pale-lipped Monica (Erica Blanc of The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave), a local girl who has just returned from her schooling abroad. She will become the doctor’s love interest as well as a big part of the plot later in the film. Don’t believe me? Just you wait and see, yo. Excuse me, burgomeister Karl (Luciano Catenacci of Almost Human). You’re not fucking helping the situation so just step aside, duder.

Then there’s the wickedly creepy little ghost girl. She is a vicious little spirit whose very presence causes people to kill themselves. No wonder the morons in this village are scared. This smiling and giggling little princess will bring about your demise, bitches. And she’ll do it by your own hands!

Ruth (played by Fabienne Dali) is the local sexy, sexy witch who the people turn to for help in spiritual matters. Her methods of protecting people from evil spirits are cruel AND unusual. Some very bad shit be goin’ down at the Villa Graps. Man, this movie’s got everything: spiral staircases, a kickass mansion, potions, arcane exorcism rites, etc. E getter inbegstigate dids slizinvo gggggggg

Woops, dozed off for a little bit there. See, I told you these flicks were dreamy. I got too comfortable and the giggling of that murderous spirit caused me to drift into a light slumber. That is a tad disconcerting to me. If this actually took place in real life, I’d be an easy mark. There is an evil wind blowing through the village just as the breeze outside picks up just behind the window behind me.

This supernatural horror tale is exquisitely scripted with a great deal of thought put into it. Obviously in love with the material, Bava delivers everything one could ever hope to find in a film of this variety. The sets are deliciously gothic, the moody lighting is always perfect, and the tension never lets up. Even the soundtrack is awesome.

The best and strangest scene is when Dr. Paul gets caught in a spiritual loop in the house. Every time he leaves a room, he runs through it again. It seems as though he is chasing someone: HIMSELF! Next, he bumps into a painting of the house and then into it, transporting him outside where he passes out. This is a truly bizarre and memorable sequence.

Time for the final showdown! Ruth is mad as hell and she’s not gonna take it anymore. Yay! Creepy baby dolls! Who doesn’t like those in their scary ass house? Okay, that ending was fucking awesome. Everyone needs to run out and watch this movie immediately. Do it or the little girl will make you kill yourself!

Dinner

LeEtta makes some lo-fi quesadillas for us with spinach tortillas, two different kinds of cheese, and Cavender’s seasoning (we kind of put this on everything). We discuss the curse of Blood and Black Lace. LeEtta has never managed to stay awake through it. Will tonight be any different? Let’s hope so.

“I never thought I had it in me to kill.”

5:48 pm

Blood and Black Lace

This is Bava’s model-slashin’ masterpiece and it’s also his most garishly lit and sumptuously designed film. While The Girl Who Knew Too Much was technically the first giallo, it is Blood and Black Lace, released in 1964, that defined the genre. The credit sequence introducing the characters posing alongside mannequins and seamstress’s dummies is the bomb. Hmm, that swinging sign makes me think this is supposed to be a comedy. Hey it’s Cameron Mitchell (of Minnesota Clay and Maneater of Hydra) before he was a washed up loser. Luciano Pigozzi is in the house and yes ladies, he’s keepin’ it real!

A ‘respectable’ fashion house is the scene of a brutal murder. Peggy (Mary Arden), stop crying! Did your best friend just get killed or something? Oh shiznit, the cocaine is involved. COCAINE! I feel so dirty just thinking about it. Actually, the drug factor in this movie is so abstract that it could be anything: heroin, LSD, crystal meth, etc. You know, the entire string of murders could have been prevented if the first victim, Isabella (Francesca Ungaro), hadn’t kept a dang diary. Now all of you fuckers have to die!

There are about a million suspicious glances just in the first 20 minutes of this flick. Everyone looks so guilty. And they should be. They’re all dang junkies, especially Marco (Massimo Righi of Black Sabbath). He’s a nice guy, has a thing for Peggy but he needs his fix. Yeah, he needs a fix real bad.

Gee, Nicole (played by Ariana Gorini) is kind of annoying. I think that she deserves to die. The lighting in the antique shop is to die for. This kill scene is saturated in green, purple, blue and red. The part where the killer vanishes into thin air. Yeah, that didn’t work very well. Our masked killer is on the warpath!

Oh wow, Harriet Medin is here too? She’s been all over this dang moviethon. Medin plays Clarice, Peggy’s guardian. Huh? All I know is that everyone has something to hide. People threaten each other with blackmail every couple of minutes. I’m getting kind of confused here. LeEtta is awake so far. The movie has not defeated her yet but I think I’m in trouble. Holy shit, the killer just smacked Peggy across the room!

For some reason, Greta (Lea Lander) isn’t too concerned about the body in her trunk. The killer is especially sadistic; beating, stabbing, bludgeoning, smothering, drowning and burning his way through fashion models like they were going out of style. I don’t think Marco is going to be too good in a police lineup. The guy’s too squirrelly. Oh, he’s got epilepsy. That explains a few things. Sorry, Marco. I judged you too harshly. So epileptics act just like junkies? Okay, got it.

This Tao Li chick, is she supposed to be Chinese? The actress’s name is Claude Dantes. Sounds kind of Asian, I guess. The thought of a sex maniac in their fashion house doesn’t please her at all. Oh thank you, Tao Li, you died so exquisitely just now.

The plot comes together very nicely once all is revealed. But it’s not over yet. We still have a few loose ends. Oh snap, there’s the double cross! WTF? You just can’t trust murderers these days. Uh oh, the camera is moving slowly through the room. A creeping presence; someone or something is trudging along. The killer is here!

Cigar Break

Out on the patio, I light up an amazing Rocky Patel cigar, crack open a Sunkist orange soda, fire up my iPod and listen to my giallo mix. It’s a god damned good time. LeEtta finally conquered Blood and Black Lace but it almost destroyed me. Seems as though I needed this break more than I thought. I wander down the steps of my patio and onto the path and very suspiciously trudge along looking up into the evening sky. I’m trying to figure out how to light the path to make it appear sufficiently eerie on film.

“Gee, they’re good at playing dead, aren’t they?”

8:35 pm

Bay Of Blood

While the most appropriate title for this film is Chain Reaction, I prefer one of its alternate titles: Twitch of the Death Nerve. It always gets the most bizarre looks from people whenever I mention it. In a recent medical journal, scientists have actually located and have managed to isolate the ‘death nerve’ in the human body. Millions of lives have been spared.

I played this film for a group of friends once and it went over like a lead balloon. I can’t really explain it. This fast paced giallo with a very high body count and gratuitous nudity bored everyone (a bunch of haters) to tears. It was a very traumatic experience for me and is the sole reason why I’m the shut-in that I am today.

Oh, Stelvio Cipriani, you’re soundtrack is so soothing especially when I hear it and think of all the carnage this flick has. Poor old lady, I sure hope someone puts her out of her misery soon. But what does she have to be upset about? Look at the opulent and wonderful house she has. Aren’t all rich people happy? Hey look, someone put her out of her misery. And now her killer has been killed. Everyone wants to inherit the bay and will kill to get their hands on it.

Who wipes their nose on a squid? Did Simon (played by Claudio Camaso) actor improvise that or did Mario Bava direct him to wipe his nose on that poor, defenseless squid? Paolo Fosatti (Leopoldo Trieste) is a great comic character. He chases bugs around. Oh goodie, a carload of fun-loving young people. Thank God, they are marked for death. Brunhilda (Brigitte Skay) is totally hot and was also naked in Four Time That Night. All is not right at this quaint decrepit villa. Someone is watching these trampy tramps with angry evil eyes.

Laura Betti, the horny wife from Hatchet for the Honeymoon is here as Paolo’s drunk (and possibly horny) wife. She’s my favorite (and gets the best death scene (almost))! She reminds LeEtta of Medusa. Every inch of this film’s décor is wickedly tacky and I can only dream of stepping into this freakishly ugly world to live forever. Brunhilda’s death scene is completely awesome. She gets abandoned by her ‘friends’ and this makes her an easy target for the killer (or killers or whatever).

I love the dissolves in this movie. Sometimes a shot will dissolve into darkness and then the film fades back in… on the same scene! Every movie should do this. Oh shit, machete to the face! I can dig that. Then the killer pins the lovers together with a spear and their death squirms look like they’re still making love which is 1. erotic, 2. repulsive and 3. totally bitchin’. Twitch of the Death Nerve isn’t about who the killer is; it’s about who the killer isn’t.

Luigi Pistilli (Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key) is in this one. All the paths and all the storylines are intersecting. Characters coming into contact with one another invariably leads them to their death. Geez, every one of these scenes is so perfectly shot and lit, it makes my eyes dance. The camera never stops moving. I think Simon gets the best death scene. His is an agonizing and brutal death. Renata? Is that her name? She is played by Claudine Auger of Black Belly of the Tarantula and what a beauty she is. Oops, she’s dead too. One thing I’ve learned from Italian horror cinema is that all paths lead to Nicoletta Elmi. Bava, you so crazy!

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this nightmare.”

10:13 pm

Lisa and the Devil

This dream is coming to an end. Fortunately, there’s one more very important film left. Lisa and the Devil is hands down my favorite Bava flick. This unlucky film was recut and released as The House of Exorcism, a complete travesty. There are so many weird ass horror films in the 70s, why did this one have to suffer the fate of being raped and deformed to become an Exorcist clone? Don’t get me wrong, I love Exorcist rip-offs way more than the original but Lisa and the Devil deserved better treatment.

After an awesome opening credit sequence (check it out), we meet Lisa (Elke Sommer), a tourist who steps off the bus straight into hell (actually Toledo, Spain). Telly Savalas is the devil. He carries a dummy around with him which occasionally turns into the corpse of a real person and back again. Nice going, Lisa, your first day in Spain and you shove Carlo (played by Espartaco Santoni of Blood Castle) down the stairs and kill him.

When night falls, the fog rolls in and poor lost Lisa meets some nice strangers who she begs for a lift. Awkward silences abound until the car breaks down in front of a mysterious mansion. Oh look Telly Savalas (the devil) is the butler. Good lord, look at the giant collar on Maximillion (Alessio Orano). His mom is Alida Valli of Suspiria and that’s a very, very good thing.

Hey Sofia (Sylva Koscina), don’t sleep with your driver. That simply isn’t done. Maximillion tells Lisa that he is glad she’s back. But Lisa seems to think she’s never been there before. But we know don’t differently, don’t we? Look, you fucking goofballs, my name is Lisa not Helena. I’ve never been here before in my life and I certainly don’t know any of you. Fuckin’ A! This movie is a big old bag of weird!

You must watch Lisa and the Devil over and over again until it all comes together in your mind. I want to watch this until I can’t remember anything else. This film never stops for me. It goes on and on and hypnotizes me without even trying. A dream sequence in this movie is like putting bacon on a hotdog. In other words, it’s delicious. LeEtta calls it gratuitous. It’s delirious delicious stupendous wondrous. Thank you, Satan.

Make up yer dang mind, Lisa. You can have either Carlo or Maximillion. You can’t have both! Ah, poor Sofia. This is why you should never fall in love with the help. They always end up with scissors in their neck. We are given a nice (yet completely surreal and hilarious) impromptu funeral procession through the house, into the garden and straight to the chapel.

The blackly sardonic humor runs rampant through this movie. And who better to supply it than Telly Savalas? The guy is a dang weirdo. Hey, that headboard sure does look familiar. Perhaps it’s the one from Black Sabbath and four or five other Bava flicks. Lousy women drivers! Well, at least Sofia is finally letting her husband Frank (played by Eduardo Fajardo) know how she feels by rolling the car over his body again and again and again.

Sofia’s death scene got cut pretty short in this version. I blogged about the differences between her violent fate here and in The House Of Exorcism. I blog about things because they are important to me. What if Maximillion had a blog? It would probably be about Lisa and necrophilia and his mom and his broken dreams. So yeah, it would be pretty emo.

Things take an even stranger and sicker turn as Maximillion takes Lisa to meet Helena. We are spinning out of control here. The more we learn about this screwed up family, the more lost we become. Not even our faux blind matriarch can withstand the sheer killing force of her almost comically fucked up son. Cockroach death cake!! No one will escape.

This is transcendent horror. Lisa sleeps and the world moves on without her. There is no time here. Was it always like this? Was this all a dream? She awakes in the ruins of the mansion like the new Eve without an Adam. And just like Eve, she calls bullshit on all this and gets on the first flight out of this fucking madhouse! But these are totally unfriendly skies, duder. Okay, that’s it. This moviethon is finished!

Conclusion

Well, this sucks. It is Monday and the world is normal again. LeEtta and I both took the day off today but there are errands and chores to do. So it feels like a really shitty Sunday except everyone else in the world is at work. At the grocery store, I keep looking for signs that Bava is still with me but no. Thanks to my proper scheduling (for a change) of the films, I don’t even have a moviethon hangover or the usual delusional behavior to fall back on.

While I’m doing laundry, I can’t help but notice that the lighting isn’t interesting at all. The rows of dryers aren’t bathed in a purple glow and there isn’t a garish neon green floodlight pulsing in through the windows. There isn’t even a fisheye lens to tweak my perspective of the rows of washers. There is a Coke machine so it’s kind of like the castle in Baron Blood. If ever I was convinced that the real world friggin’ blows, it is now.

The rest of the day I spend half-watching the old “Freddy’s Nightmares” TV series (not good) and even trying and sit through Joe D’Amato’s Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals (really, really not good). Meh. I settle on The Sixth Sense (which I’ve never seen before) and now I know I’m lost. The aftereffects of this moviethon are a graying and flattening of my surroundings and an especially snobby depression where nothing is good enough. This is the other side of sensory overload. Things have never been this grim before. Oh Bava, what have you done?