Splatter

Faceless

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Faceless (1987)

Helmut Berger plays Dr. Frank Flamand, a plastic surgeon who will go to any lengths to help repair the scarred face of his sister, Ingrid. He is drugging and kidnapping women to find the perfect candidate for a facial transplant. His assistant, Nathalie (the stunning Brigitte Lahaie), and his henchman, Gordon, are willing to do anything to assist the good doctor in his scheme. When they kidnap an American fashion model named Barbara (played by Caroline Munro), her father (Savalas) hires a private eye named Sam (Mitchum) to find her. Dr. Frank manages to track down a Nazi doctor who is more than happy to perform the potentially deadly operation. Can detective Sam find Barbara and rescue her before she loses her face?

Wow, what an evil creature this is. Faceless is a sadistic tribute (Tribute? Remake? Parody? Whatever!) to Georges Franju’s Eyes Without A Face. It’s difficult to compare this gorefest with Franco’s earlier works. Clearly, he was trying to tap into the splatter trend of horror flicks of the 80s and I’m sure glad he did. Franco fills this wacky flick with cornball pop music, ludicrous characters, and opportunities for softcore lovin’ wherever he can.

The worst part about this movie, without a doubt, is Christopher Mitchum. He is the hammiest ham that ever hammed a ham and I can’t figure out how he got involved in the project. The part of Sam Morgan, private eye seems to have been written for a much older actor and Mitchum never even comes close to fitting the bill. The only scene where he seems at home is when he gets into a fistfight with the stereotypically gay fashion photographer’s muscle-bound bodyguard.

The kitschy quality of Faceless may put off some viewers. For instance, the cornball pop music that is interspersed throughout the film should produce mild hysterics or nausea. Luckily for Franco, the horrifying elements of the film are truly horrifying. Most of the special effects are very well done; although there is a certain rotting severed head that could have used a little more work. Dang, it looked good when it came off but now I’m not sure. Well, just throw some maggots on it. Perfect!

If you’re looking to get into the films of Jess Franco, then please choose another gateway such as Vampyros Lesbos or The Diabolical Doctor Z. Faceless is not very much like his other films although it has some traces of his style. Don’t expect a classic here but get ready to enjoy some nice Euro-cheese with several gory moments that you won’t soon forget. Plus anything with Brigitte Lahaie (Grapes Of Death) is worth watching. Right?

The Last Supper

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The Last Supper (2005)

Dr. Yuji Kotorida (Masaya Kato) is a ‘Godsend’ of plastic surgery. He is well-respected by both the medical community and the media but what no one knows is that he is a vicious and cannibalistic serial killer. In an anonymous blog, Dr. Kotorida describes the act of eating human flesh as the equivalent of making love. When his horrible secret is discovered by an insane detective (Hiroki Matsukata), Kotorida devises a plan to make himself famous as well as to escape from the police.

Finally, cannibalism is sexy again! Directed by Osamu Fukutani (The Suicide Manual), The Last Supper sports a menacing soundtrack and a somber (and sometimes chilling) mood. This shot-on-video cannibal horror flick may look cheap but it got my stomach churning (not an easy thing to do). The plot doesn’t get too bogged down in ‘realism’ like some of the CAT III Hong Kong gross-out flicks (Human Pork Chop, in particular).

The cast of The Last Supper may be somewhat stiff but all in all manage to turn in some decent performances. Horror actress Hitomi Miwa (Ju-On, Embalming) is excellent and I really liked newcomer Hibiki Takumi. Chinese actress Zuki Lee is quite good as Dr. Kotorida’s Hong Kong fling (and meal). Of course, it’s Masaya Kato’s show and he definitely goes the distance in one hell of a sick role. The award for the strangest performance in the film goes to Hiroki Matsukata (The Yakuza Papers). His detective character is one sick (very, very sick) bastard.

The only thing that keeps this movie from being a splatter cannibal classic is its low production values. Cheap sets and digital photography are perfectly acceptable for this trash film lover but when you skimp on the gore effects, now that’s an entirely different story. The severed heads suffer the most and are clearly mannequin heads with wigs tacked on. Also, the film’s fleshy finale isn’t exactly impressive but hey, the effort is there.

So my theories about cannibal nightclubs in Hong Kong have proven to be true. The idea that devouring a person’s flesh is a sexual act really sleazes up this one. Some of the flesh-eating is pretty dang gross (wait, when isn’t it?) and there’s a whole lot of blood and bargain-priced gore. The Last Supper is somewhat disappointing but a few nauseous and shocking surprises make it a worthy entry in the cannibal movie canon.

Red Riding Hood

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Red Riding Hood (2003)

After the death of her politician father and subsequent abandonment by her mother, 12 year old Jenny (Susanna Satta) feels that it is imperative that the guilty are punished because God forgets their sins (no matter how miniscule) too easily. With the help of her mysterious friend, George, Jenny begins terrorizing Rome by punishing sinners with deadly justice. All is going well for Jenny until her grandmother, Rose (Kathleen Archebald), comes to take Jenny back to New York with her. Jenny imprisons Rose in her apartment so that she won’t interfere with her plans to confess her love for her tutor, Tom (Roberto Purvis). When Tom starts to suspect that something is terribly wrong with Jenny, he tries to stop her and George’s killing spree before he himself becomes a victim.

For a first time director, I have to compliment Giacomo Cimini. Although flawed, Red Riding Hood is a fine first feature and shows great promise. Some of the credit goes to one of the films co-cinematographers, Sergio Salvati (Fulci’s The Beyond and The Black Cat), who manages to add some of the old school Italian horror flair to the filming. The script and the plot are well done and become especially tense in the final act.

The role of Jenny is a difficult one and is handled fairly well by the young Susanna Satta. Unfortunately, many of her lines are delivered too mechanically. But to Satta’s credit, she portrays an evil little girl perfectly and has great control over her expressions and the physical aspects of her screen presence. This was a tough first film role for her and I’m interested to see what she’ll do next.

Kathleen Archebald is very good as Rose who suffers a great deal of torment from her twisted granddaughter. The actor I’m least impressed with is Roberto Purvis. The character of Tom isn’t developed well in the script and isn’t given much depth by Purvis until his last few moments of screen time.

The music of the film is creative but distracting. It is some merry sounding business with lyrics that seem to refer to the plot but overall just doesn’t work in the film. The incidental music is fine but this jaunty theme keeps coming back. Some upbeat music would have been perfect for many of the strange scenes in the movie but the filmmakers have made a poor choice here.

Jenny’s companion through much of the film is George, a mysterious figure in a black jumpsuit, red galoshes, black cloak, and a white wolfish mask. George looks pretty silly and just isn’t creepy at all. My last complaint is about the film’s pacing. It slows down a little in the middle but not for too long. Just long enough for a viewer to wonder when the film is coming to an end.

Okay, enough griping, why is this film worth seeing? For one thing, the murders are very cool and bloody. The effects aren’t over the top or disgusting but a couple of them are inventive and memorable. The movie has some very twisted humor in it that will appeal to horror fans. And finally, this film is just plain nuts. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie this odd in a while.

Red Riding Hood is a likeable flick with some very strange elements thrown in to keep it from being just another slasher. The setting of Rome and the Italian crew give this film just a hint of Giallo, which is always pleasant. Despite a couple of flaws (some wooden delivery from a couple of the actors and George’s costume), I had a great time watching this. Prepare to be weirded out and enjoy the show.

Embalming

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Embalming (1999)

Reiko Takashima plays Miyako Murakami, an embalmer who discovers a needle in the eye socket of the corpse of a young man named Yoshiki, the son of a prominent official, believed to be a suicide. The same day, Miyako is threatened by a religious crackpot named Chief Jion (Kojiro Hongo) because he believes that embalming is a sin. While she is away at this meeting, thieves using knockout gas steal Yoshiki’s head from his body from the hospital in broad daylight.

Her suspicions raised, Miyako shows the needle to Detective Hiraoka (Yutaka Matsushige) who is now convinced that there is more to the case than simply suicide. One of the key suspects is Dr. Fuji (Toshio Shiba), a once-prominent surgeon who now works in the black market organ trade. Soon, clues point to the Yoshiki’s girlfriend, Rika (Hitomi Miwa), as the one who not only stole the head but also has an even more awful secret to hide. As Miyako and Hiraoka dig deeper into the details of the case and the number of suspects grows, they enter a situation even more dangerous than they could have imagined.

Shinji Aoyama masterfully directs this enthralling and complicated film. EM – Embalming evokes a cold and clinical theme with its emotionally detached characters, brooding music, and nonchalant presentation of an embalmer’s trade. The camera never shies away from the gruesome tasks of Miyako or Dr. Fuji and the effects are well done.

The acting in the film is top notch. Reiko Takashima is a fine actress, able to portray a character confronted with death on a daily basis but still vulnerable to uncovering her past. Veteran actor Kojiro Hongo (Wrath Of Daimajin, Destroy All Planets) puts in an unsettling performance as the hypocritical and Jim Jones wannabe, Chief Jion. The scene-stealing award goes to Yutaka Matsushige (Ringu, One Missed Call) whose sniffling and wisecracking Detective Hiraoka adds some much needed noir-inspired characterization to the ensemble. The part of Rika is played by Hitomi Miwa (Ju-on, Crazy Lips) and is no easy task given the complexity of the character. The cast is rounded off by a dual role from Masatoshi Matsuo (Tomie: Replay, Kaïro).

The outrageous plot contains layers of storyline, numerous flashbacks, and even doubling of certain characters to keep the audience on their toes. The mystery of EM – Embalming may be confusing the first time around but not unpleasantly. This is a wholly satisfying film and is rewarding with each viewing so picking up those missed details doesn’t feel like a chore. This is a challenging film but one that delivers with its grotesque embalming scenes and moments of extreme violence. Gorehounds will be richly rewarded by these sequences but this film has so much more to offer. The grim tone is effectively contagious and will stick with the viewer long after the film is over.

Eccentric characters, a haunting soundtrack, and clever cinematography also serve to make EM – Embalming an unforgettable film experience. It’s plotting is over the top but is braced with rich imagery and impeccable performances from the cast. Although director Shinji Aoyama has been at work for many years, this film is a sign that he has much more to offer Japanese film fanatics in the future.

 

The Ken Foree Interview

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To horror fanatics and zombie enthusiasts, Ken Foree is best known for playing the indomitable Peter Washington in the original Dawn Of The Dead. However, Ken has been working steadily for nearly three decades in television and film. From playing Roger Rockmore on “Keenan and Kel” to Leroy Brown in Stuart Gordon’s From Beyond, he’s done it all. Recently, Ken landed a role in Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects as Charlie Altamont. Luckily for me, Ken took the time for an interview with Doomed Moviethon.

Doomed Moviethon: Who is Charlie Altamont?

KF: Charlie Altamont is one of the Firefly family. He’s Captain Spalding’s brother. He is a character who is not violent or at least not murderous. He is a more of a scam man than anything else. He’s a jackleg business man, in other words, he moves from business to business, all of which are on the edge of illegality. He usually ends up going to jail or gets his brother in trouble and they go to jail. Or get caught in a scam he can’t get out of or a scheme that doesn’t work out but they have a lot of fun. He’s that kind of guy. No one you want to bring home to family dinner. No one you want to introduce your mom to but he’s not going to slash your throat either. That’s Charlie.

DM: It looks like he’s running a strip joint or a whorehouse in The Devil’s Rejects.

KF: Charlie’s big idea was that it was supposed to be a frontier fun resort. He was going broke so he thought, “What can I do to bring up revenues?” He says, “Hey, what about a whorehouse? A whore ranch? A whore town? Oh that’s it.” And that’s how he came with it. They have the little town that’s full of whores and little interesting things. Quite disgusting but quite humorous if you’re a guy and you can laugh. And hope your wife doesn’t smack your face.

DM: What kind of research did you do for the character or did you just channel your inner pimp?

KF: My inner pimp! [Laughs] Well, I guess we all have an inner pimp somewhere. I don’t know where mine is? Charlie is not necessarily a good pimp. Even though he ends up being a pimp for this period of his life, this is probably a five year deal before he’s out again doing something else. Maybe an insurance agency or selling bibles door to door. In terms of research, I really researched it as a guy that is a marketer, does scamming, and has a background like Charlie has. That gave me plenty of choices to make on how to form the character and then get into it.

DM: How was the Devil’s Rejects shoot? Any difficulties?

KF: No, absolutely not. One of the best times I’ve ever had on a shoot. Great caterer, great crew, and just nice people all the way around. A classy group of people and it was a joy to come to work everyday. I wish it could have gone on and on and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

DM: Recently, some excised gore footage from the R-rated version of From Beyond was recovered. Also, I’ve seen the censored scenes from Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III. What’s your take on film censorship, especially in horror movies?

KF: It’s kind’s of crazy when you talk about censorship in horror movies. When we came out with Dawn Of The Dead, the censors went wild. They came up with an X-rating, or an un-rating, or something like that. It was a big brouhaha. I think censorship is important. I think we can’t just let just anything on screen influence those who may not be ready to digest what they’re seeing visually. I’d hate to have an eight year old or a five year old kid see some of the stuff that I’m famous for. You don’t want kids exposed to certain kinds of material. It’s not time for them yet. But yeah, the censorship goes a little crazy.

I know they’ve got to have it, I know that everybody goes through it. I know that depending on how well you fight, the lawyers you’ve got, how long of a fight you put up, what you might be able to sneak in, and how much they let you get in, they’re going to hold strongly against things that they have absolute objections to. I think it’s a necessary evil. I think censorship is something we all have to go through. I don’t think they’re always right and I think they can demand a lot. It’s politics. You get a guy on a great day, his kid got an A in school or he got a raise, he’ll say “Okay, I’ll work with you on this and we’ll work it out”. If they guy has a horrible day or a horrible week, you might end up on the short end of the stick. It’s like a civil servant’s job. Just hope that you get the right civil servant. [Laughs]

DM: Any experiences from your work on From Beyond you’ld like to share?

KF: I was in Rome. My first time overseas. Brian Yuzna and Stuart Gordon had just finished Re-Animator. Barbara Crampton, Jeffrey Combs, and Ted Sorel, we were all there. It was one of the more interesting shoots of my life. We had a fairly good time. I went through every motion you can imagine from getting a very bad cold to injuring my back. A lot of stuff happening during that shoot that was crazy. Fell in love with Rome, of course. Yuzna took very good care of us. Stuart owes me a bet for 3,500 lira and one day I’ll collect from him.

DM: You played Benny in Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III where I heard there was a lot of producer interference with the film. How was the shoot? Any tension?

KF: Jeff Burr covered that up very well while we were shooting. He just made sure that we were doing what we were supposed to do, getting shots out, and getting the job done. I didn’t hear about the real problems until much later on when they went into editing and that kind of thing. First thing was that they spelled my name wrong in the credits. Instead of Ken Foree, it was Ken Force! That was one of the first things that I noticed. Then I heard about all the people having problems and wanting their names taken off of it. Then people changing it. I had to go back as a matter of fact, I had to come back and shoot another scene.

DM: Yeah, Benny just comes back at the end of the film.

KF: I was in the pool with R.A. Mihailoff getting my head cut with a chainsaw then the next thing I’m back driving the car to save Kate Hodge from the maniac killers. It was an interesting shoot. We killed a lot of rattlesnakes up there behind Magic Mountain. Kate Hodge I really liked and one of the nicest ladies I’ve ever worked with. Bill Butler was in it and that was fun having him in it. Viggo Mortenson was in it and he’s a gentleman and a good guy. One of the best guys I’ve ever met. Clu Gulager’s wife, Miriam Byrd-Nethery, played the mom of the crazy family in the movie. Joe Unger and I knew each and he was in it. It wasn’t bad and it was fun. A lot of people I knew working together and trying to get a job done.

I heard about the politics of that thing only afterwards. I knew something was going to happen but I didn’t know what it was. I thought “What can I do?” They paid me and they told me to leave. [Laughs] As an old acting friend of mine told me once, while he was working in Vancouver, that he called the producers to get an extra day in a hotel because he thought he was owed it because of his contract. The guy in L.A. told him “We’re through with you, get out!” But that’s what being an actor is about. Unless you helped produce a film or run a studio then you don’t have any power what’s going to happen to a movie. How it’s going to be cut, etc. So yes, I heard some things about what happened to TCM III but only after it was already out.

DM: Do you have any aspirations to write or direct?

KF: I have been told that my true talent is writing. I first wrote something as a joke. A Christmas present for family members using their names as the characters. Along with the other presents, I would send this horrible script. Next thing, I got into the story development thing and all of a sudden, one of the vice presidents of HBO said it was one of the five best scripts they’d read. The Twentieth Century Fox head of development said they wanted it first when it was finished. I was getting writer’s crazy, writing 8 hours a day so it went from a joke, to a bigger joke, to a mini-series. I took it around to a few people. The former head of CBS and NBC, about ten different people I took it to. About 99.9% of the people said “Yeah, this is great, you could do this as a mini-series.” But that’s when I got the big head and said, “Well, I really want to do this as a movie.” When you get the opportunity, bite. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, just go ahead and get on the ride. I wrote a situation comedy to see if I had any talent outside of the docu-drama. It was also well received. I’ve written an action adventure and a police story.

Then a restaurant opportunity came into my midst and it was such a great deal. If I told you what the deal was, you’d say “What is it, I’d like to invest?” It was that impressive and that alluring so I put the scripts down for a minute thinking I’ll come back to my acting career. Well, three and a half years later, after I’d been beaten and mauled by the restaurant industry, I came back.

At this point I’m writing [Sighs] a zombie film. It’s a particular piece that I want to get out there that’s zombie related. Hopefully, you know every time I turn around somebody’s got the same idea I’ve got. I’m sorry I’m just going to have to put it out there. They can accuse me of plagiarism or whatever, I’m tired of changing mine. Mine starts on an island and I read the script of the remake of Dawn Of The Dead, which ends on an island. So I was very upset by that since I was already on my way. There were zombies plotting and zombies able to launch campaigns and I hear that George Romero is coming out with that in Land Of The Dead. [Laughs] What can you do? I have my ideas and I just didn’t get mine out first. I’m glad that they have theirs out there, the Dawn Of The Dead remake, and certainly George’s as well. Very happy about that. I’ve just got to get mine out there. So there’s your question, yes, I am writing.

DM: I was familiar with your work on “Keenan and Kel” but I had no idea about the extent of your television appearances with everything from “Kojak” to “Matlock” to “X-Files”. Do you enjoy working in television or are you just trying to pay the bills?

KF: Oh no, I always enjoy working in television. Like being on the stage, you really feel the feel the charge, the electricity, and the creative juices flow and the audience helps you make that happen. There’s something different about being in front of the camera. You don’t have the audience there but you’re still looking for that creative connection with your fellow actors that make a scene very special. Some of the work I had to do because I had to pay my mortgage. Some things I wish I didn’t take, some things I’d like to burn. But some others like an episode of “Hunter” I did where I only grunted “Guilty!” because I’d had my vocal chords cut. And they nominated that for an Emmy and I enjoyed it. It was one of my better performances. I enjoy television and I would still like to get involved in a long series.

DM: What was “Report To Murphy”, a sitcom with Michael Keaton?

KF: There were a lot of good people in it. I did four episodes, one of which revolved around my character, which I thought I was very good in. [Laughs] We had good people behind it but it just didn’t go. So, I’ve been around. I’ve done Soap Operas, Comedy, Dramas where I’ve played cops and robbers. I’ve even been a voice on Sandra Bernhard’s “Without You I’m Nothing”. I’ve been around and I don’t think they even know where to place me. “Where do we put this guy?”

I haven’t been typecast to one genre. Everybody says, “Oh, you’re always the bad guy.” No, not really. I’ve been the good guy as much as the bad guy. They say, “Oh, you always do horror films.” Yeah, but I don’t always do horror films. I do comedy sometimes and sometimes I’m good at it. I do sitcoms. It’s not like I do horror films and sci-fi as the staple of my career. I wish it had have been. In many cases, where many people had it as their staple, it has been very good to them. Like Kane Hodder and Gunnar Hansen, they were Jason and Leatherface but they’ve been able to carry that on throughout their career. It’s nice to be the hero but I’d like to be a monster once.

DM: Your voice is now forever captured in the world of video games with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Did you enjoy voice acting and would you take more video game or animation offers?

KF: Oh, absolutely. Two of the fields I think I should explore more. I’ve been often told that I should do voiceovers since I have the pipes, or rather, the timber, for it. I want to get something ready for animation, I certainly would like to do one of the Anime characters. Voiceovers are fun and doing San Andreas was fun.

DM: If you chose the right Anime series, you’d be set. Some of them go for years with 50 or 100 episodes.

KF: Well, put in the good word for me. [Laughs] I certainly am looking for one. That would be great.

DM: What kind of upcoming projects can we expect to see you in?

KF: That’s what I’m starting to work on now. People are talking to me now and want me to sign letters of intent to a lot of stuff. There’s nothing that I can say definitely right now. There are people that say they have money here and there. As of yet, I’ve seen no bonded money yet. As an actor you learn not to count anything until the first check is cashed. So, I hear a lot and there are things that are circulating. Things that I can’t really talk about now because they might not come together. Most of them are horror but there is an American revolutionary thing there as well. I can talk about The Darkness Between The Stars because we were practically there. If we can get that done, it will be great for sci-fi and horror. I’m working on so many other things like getting this script written. My hands are full and my head is swimming. So many things in the works. My next project is to find my next project.

DM: Well, Ken, I really appreciate you talking to me today. Good luck on getting the next big thing together.

KF: Thanks. I appreciate that and it’s been good talking to you, Richard.

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A huge Doomed Moviethon thanks goes out to Ken for granting us our first interview for the site. Be sure to check out Ken Foree’s website for more information on one hell of a career and one hell of a nice guy. Don’t forget to check out the Devil’s Rejects site as well.

My Doomed Moviethon

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I first became hooked on horror movies watching Elvira’s “Movie Macabre” when I was a kid (around 9 or 10 years old). She was making fun of Flesh For Frankenstein and I was totally flipping out. I was laughing at her gags (and oggling her goodies) but I was also really enjoying the movie (despite the fact that it was cut to ribbons for television). After that night, I tuned in every weekend to catch her shtick and I always ended up enjoying whatever movie she hosted.

Soon after, my parents gave me their old TV and I started up staying up all night to watch whatever was on the local channels. Some of you who remember the 1980s may also remember that there used to be horror movies on ALL THE TIME on late night TV. I have this vague memory of catching the creepy mannequin-filled Tourist Trap just before dawn. Good or bad, damn it, they were always on.

There were two films which aired in the middle of the night that caused me to slip over the edge and become completely obsessed with horror movies. The first one was Zombie 6: Monster Hunter (AKA Joe D’Amato’s Absurd) and the second was Girls Nite Out (a dull yet atmospheric slasher flick with the killer wearing a bear costume circa. 1984). Granted, neither of these are the best examples of horror but these two movies totally blew me away. I can still hear the announcer’s voice saying “We now return to Zombie 6: Monster Hunter” in a laughably menacing voice. I know George Eastman is out there somewhere stuffing some babysitter’s head into an oven.

Although I’m sure she has no idea, my sister Lora also had a hand in altering my filmic fate forever. While she was babysitting me one night, her boyfriend came over with a copy of Nightmare On Elm Street. Before they started the tape my sister told me the story of their “friend” who still sleeps in the same bed with her mother after watching the film. That didn’t scare me and neither did the first Elm Street flick. Later, my sister and her boyfriend took me to the local drive-in for a weird triple feature: Hot Pursuit (John Cusack, huh?), Cut And Run (yep, the Ruggero Deodato flick), and Creepshow 2. “Thanks for the ride, lady!”

By this time, my parents and I were renting 4 movies every weekend. Well, that all changed when I caught the horror bug. When I was 11, my parents gave me my own VCR. They had just purchased a new VCR, so, once again, I got the hand-me-down. Lucky for me the old one was in terrific shape and soon the thing was running nearly every time I set foot in my room.

There, at the video store (a Video-X-Tron before Blockbuster bought them out) was something that thrilled me: the HORROR section. There is something devious and alluring about an entire set of shelves full of dead teenagers, dark places, unholy incantations, and severed heads. Oddly enough, my parents had no problem with allowing me to watch whatever I wanted (sure, blame the parents!) so I had no trouble getting started on my mission which was to rent every single horror movie in the store. Nowadays, this would be easy since it is rare to find a decent selection of horror titles anywhere.

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My family’s rental program changed one weekend. Two movies for my parents, one for the whole family, and four horror flicks for me. The ones I remember loving the most were Evil Dead 2, the Friday the 13th series, Halloween, The Masque Of The Red Death (1964), Rabid, Night Of the Creeps, Hellraiser (both 1 and 2), From Beyond, Critters (both 1 and 2), Night of the Demons, Dawn of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Ghoulies, Warlock, Creepers (aka Dario Argento’s Phenomena), Munchies (terrible I know but I must have watched this one 4 or 5 times), Lamberto Bava’s Demons, Forever Evil (actually scared me!), April Fools Day, Dario Argento’s Trauma, Revenge Of The Dead (AKA Zeder) and many, many more.

Several years later, my buddy Scott (the original Moviethoner) and I started renting enough movies and buying enough junk food to get us through the night. Scott introduced me to Peter Medak’s The Changeling starring George C. Scott. We often tore through the entire Omen trilogy (yes, I still like to pretend Omen IV: The Awakening never happened) as well as Phantasm and Phantasm II before the night was through.

Then, I just stopped watching horror movies. I have no idea why I gave up on them. Perhaps films like Pulp Fiction and Clerks steered me into Indie land. Or maybe it was the sixth entry in the Halloween series or Hellraiser: Bloodline. I could just as easily blame the Leprechaun series or The Mangler for ruining horror movies for me.

I was still a film buff, watching tons and tons of artsy cinematic masterworks. I would sit through Last Tango In Paris, Rashômon, A Woman Under The Influence, Touch Of Evil, Amacord, etc. I was always searching for something with meaning and depth. Then one day (about three years ago) I was watching Fellini’s Satyricon and I just snapped. Sure, it’s a disturbing film filled with frightening characters and some gory moments but it (like Fellini’s other films) is half an hour too long. I didn’t want to endure the lofty and pretentious any longer. I wanted something fun and something gory that I could ingest in 90 minutes or less (preferably less).

One day, I was talking my friend Nafa about horror movies. He was a former moviethoner who had stopped watching horror flicks years ago but had been quite a connoisseur in his own time. Charged from the conversation, I decided to start renting horror movies again. My first surprise: I was appalled at how little horror Blockbuster Video actually carries nowadays. The company is reducing their VHS stock to make room for DVD but not restocking their shelves with the DVD versions. This corporate giant had bought out nearly all of the ma and pa video stores but it didn’t keep the one thing that gave them their strength in the first place:, their selection.

Frustrated, I went on the internet and started to poke around for horror facts and trivia. I suddenly noticed just how many of those old horror flicks I used to love had been censored long before I ever got a chance to watch them. As a child of the 80s, I absolutely despise censorship (thanks to the PMRC), so I decided to track the uncensored versions of these flicks down. No easy task, especially considering that I wasn’t into collecting. Yet.

Nafa told me about this horror/eurosleaze/porn video store across town and decided to check it out. Well, the situation looked grim. The place, Unique Video, as cool as it is was way out of my jurisdiction and had a 24 HOUR return policy. The duder wanted the movies back by closing time, THE NEXT DAY and I’m 20 or 30 minutes (of shitty Tampa traffic) away.

Figuring that I’d never see this type of selection again, I bit the bullet and rented four (only four! I was such an idiot) movies: Zombi 2, Phenomena, The Stendhal Syndrome, and Ms. 45, albeit not a horror movie but a classic piece of trash if ever there was one. This is one of the reasons why Doomed Moviethon extends its reach into the cult genre as well. So, I watched Ms.45 first to get it out of the way. That isn’t to say it wasn’t a perfect film to start my moviethon with. Next, I jumped into the horror with Zombi 2, Phenomena, and then finished everything off with The Stendhal Syndrome (not a fan favorite but one of my top 10).

So, I returned the tapes on time (barely) and made a decision not to return to the place. It was just too difficult to get across town every time I needed to return a tape. This decision was painful because none of the video stores I’d ever been to had this kind of selection. Hell, I had never even heard of Lucio Fulci before that night. The seedy looking covers of the Italian horror, German gorefests, and Giallo VHS tapes pulled the trigger in my brain. I was sold. I wanted my own horror movie library.

Of course, staying a horror purist is impossible with so many genre jumping directors and films (so yeah, Takashi Miike), one gets lead into other territory so easily. The yakuza film has ruined the American gangster movie for me forever. I even find myself craving the occasional spaghetti western, kung-fu flick, or even some trashy exploitation garbage.  Also, I found that it takes a lot of fact checking and reading up to find the uncut versions of films and that it is easy to get bogged down in “Special Editions” and “Director’s Cuts”.

And that’s my horror story. My collection is now past the 500 mark and I’m loving every gore-soaked and scream-filled minute of it. I’ve almost located everything that inspired me to start this here website. However,  I keep uncovering forgotten movies buried in the recesses of my brain. As more and more obscure as hell titles start coming to DVD, I’m sure I’ll be able to put all the pieces of my horror film geekhood together. Anyway, I’ve already spent too much time writing this and not watching something. Thanks for reading, moviethoners.

Slashers in the Night

slashersinthenight-main

The slasher movie is the giallo’s more famous, coked up, and slightly more demented lovechild (we still don’t know who the father is). I’ve been meaning to have a slasher moviethon for years now but could never figure out which angle to approach it from. I decided to limit the titles by two criteria: 1. these slashers must be unseen by yours truly and 2. they were released between the years of 1979 and 1989. Not surprisingly, I have somewhere around 30 titles that meet those criteria. But now I can finally get around to some of those dang flicks that have been getting dusty on my shelves. Alright, I have picked 21 movies from that list and I am now ready to rock this bitch.

Friday

It is 7:32am. Sparkles almost woke me up much earlier this morning by putting her front paws on my shoulder and just standing there. I ignored her. I don’t know how much time passed before she just started meowing over and over again. When I rolled over and told her to shut the fuck up, I felt bad because she’s just so adorable. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I got up. I went out into the world to get some moviethon supplies from 7-11.

You see, I took the day off today for Slashers in the Night. I’d be a fool not to. My wife LeEtta is working today as is my mother-in-law Margie. She works from home so I’ll be hearing her from the office and probably running into her occasionally today. After retrieving a bevy of drinks and a sausage biscuit from 7-11, I come home. I got a Simply Lemonade to go with breakfast, a can of Arizona Watermelon drink or whatever in case I get a cigar to smoke this weekend, and two sodas: a Coke and a Mountain Dew. My goal for Slashers in the Night is seven movies per day for the next three days so I better stop dicking around and get started.

final-exam

8:54am

Final Exam

A couple making out in the middle of nowhere, bickering and being really annoying. “Shh, what was that? I heard something.” This is the perfect way to start this shit. The first kill scene is bloodless but surprisingly well done. The music in this movie is phenomenal. It shifts from menacing to hokey happy from one scene to the next and everything feels perfect. I don’t think I could have picked a more perfect movie than this. Twelve minutes in and Final Exam is already a charmer.

The goofy professor is having an affair with Lisa, the hot chick but more importantly, there is a rapist van cruising around campus. Then the fraternity stages one of the most elaborate and irresponsible pranks the world has ever seen. This film was made back when campus shootings were still funny. The nerd named Radish could just as easily be a gay character. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. Too many character alert! The scene where the sheriff confronts Wildman on his little stunt has so many people in it and then some redneck security guard shows up to fill up some empty space left in the frame.

Hey, nice Toolbox Murders poster in Radish’s room. The frat guys in this movie are the scum of the Earth with their stealing prescription drugs and cheating on exams. They are also very gay. They make Radish look like Gary Cooper. Wildman is especially touchy feely with his bros. If these guys could un-closet themselves, they would probably be nicer people. This reminds me of Girls Nite Out with all the college junk. The first murder doesn’t occur until past the 45 minute mark. It doesn’t bother me though, I like this. I love the way the killer stalks his victims in this flick.

Jeez Courtney, you are such a fucking whiner! Boo hoo, Lisa is so beautiful, she has things so easy! All she has to do is get by on her looks! Grow a pair of balls, you morose beyatch. Oh man, Radish is not gay after all. He just half-assedly confessed his feeling for Courtney and by doing so made me realize that the actor playing him is definitely gay. Once the ball gets rolling, this film really comes together. Courtney, our final girl, is left all by herself to run around and look for help while shrilly screaming and screaming. I feel prone to yell out advice for her at the screen; the sign of a great slasher. Its corny, painfully typical, but totally awesome.

bloody-birthday

10:47am

Bloody Birthday

I don’t trust this DVD. What is up with these obviously newly generated titles? Weird. The eclipse is coming and with it comes creepy wind and the birth of three children. Flash forward ten years to another obnoxious couple making out and being stupid. They decide to climb into an open grave to do some more making out. What the hell? They die horribly and I couldn’t be happier.

In a classroom full of obnoxious kids, there are three particularly smug little shitheads: Curtis, Debbie, and Steven. They are the three eclipse babies grown into three ten year old freaks. OH WOW, an extended nude scene with Julie Brown. I have waiting all my life for this moment. My childhood crush is butt naked. Thank you, Bloody Birthday! This is the best present ever. She plays Debbie’s older, ditzy, and decidedly trampy sister.

The three little monsters kill the sheriff in a very, very improbable way. It’s kind of hilarious. Joyce talks about spooky crap, astrological gobbledygook, the eclipse, and fate. After an action sequence in the junkyard and more evil children running amok stuff, I come to the conclusion that it is impossible not to love this movie. I love the scene where Curtis is running around the suburbs at night with the revolver, looking for victims. He’s our neighborhood friendly Son of Son of Sam.

Curtis makes Joyce look like a loony in front of everyone during the Ant Poison in the Cake Icing Birthday Party sketch, I mean scene. Now Joyce’s boyfriend Paul shows up to scare the crap out of her and try to score. Looks like he is going to get to do both. I cannot stress enough how hot Julie Brown is in this movie. Her death scene is fucking brilliant too. It’s not a spoiler, you knew it was coming!

rocktober-blood

“Okay Billy. Time to rock and roll, here we go.”

12:24pm

Rocktober Blood

The movie opens with those words and then some really boss metal comes screaming from a totally shitty metal band called Rocktober Blood. Billy is a douche frontman and of course, he has banged the cute backup singer chick, Lynne Starling. She goes into the studio to belt out some bitchin’ lyrics: You’ve got rainbow eyes! You’ve got RAINBOW EYES! She and the producer decide to call it a night. The killer wears combat boots! The producer gets his throat slashed while she gets nekkid for a dip in the hot tub. Yup, everything is just fine.

Billy is one creepy psycho bastard. He apparently kills 25 of his fans (off camera), kills the engineer, some random rock chick, tortures Lynne, gets caught, and is executed. Two years later, Lynne is now the leader of Rocktober Blood. At their tour announcement party, Lynne gets harassed by Billy. But wait! He’s supposed to be dead! What gives? My copy of this film is a little gamy. The whole top of the screen is just slightly purple and makes every scene look a little trippy. Someone is definitely trying to drive Lynne crazy.

Break out the leotards and the Flashdance routines, Lynne and her buds are working up a sweat. The girls are arguing and it’s pretty amusing because they have these adorable southern accents. Uh oh, watch out for those very scary combat boots. This is kind of slow. Oops, I just dozed off there. I don’t think I missed anything.

They decide to dig up Billy’s body. The body in the grave looks like a funhouse skeleton (its eyeballs are still intact). Hilarious. Lynne is kind of a bitch. She hollers a lot. If she was a little nicer, people might be more inclined to protect her from danger. She might even be able to convince someone that Billy is back from the dead. The twist of this movie is absolutely horrid and insulting to the viewer.

All hell is breaking loose on stage and the drummer just plays right on through it all. Wow! What this movie lacks in excitement it makes up for in comedy and a high body count. I love the killer’s microphone stand/axe thingie used to gut the dancers. I get up and dance to the closing song. I promise you there was air guitar in my performance.

hideandgoshriek

“Fear? Fear!?! Fear is not in my vocabulary!”

1:59pm

Hide and Go Shriek

Some duder who likes to wear makeup picks up a hooker and knifes her. Now we’re off to the suburbs where some rad high school aged teens are getting together for a partay. Screw the spell check, I know what I’m doing. They hop into a minivan because they are going somewhere, I guess. Oh wait, the teens are gonna hide out in the store that is owned by one of the goofball’s dads. Sorry there’s a lot of mumbled dialog in this one. What they don’t know is that the guy’s dad has hired this super creepy ex-con dockworker and he lives in the freakin’ store!

If I were to judge this movie just on the quality of the teenage victims then I would call it AMAZING. Some meathead just stood up and shouted how they are about graduate from high school and go on to do “great things”. Lovely. What better way to liven things up in a dark and creepy furniture store than with a game of hide and seek. The couples are sneaking around, getting it on, drinking champagne, being obnoxious, etc.

Well, the killer isn’t the creepy dockworker in the basement. He has a tattoo of a snake on his hand and this killer doesn’t. Or maybe there are two killers. Or maybe I have no idea what the damn hell is going on. There are lots of creepy mannequins (which I like) and overly dark scenes (which I am not as fond of) in this flick. The characters are just running around and being friggin’ morons. The virginal chick just did a striptease for her boyfriend. This is just like real life.

Every time the killer claims another victim, he takes their clothes and their identities just long enough to kill someone else. That is the saving grace of this movie. That and the funny performances. First Bonnie was screeching and now everyone is screeching. Perhaps they are shrieking. Whoa, nice decapitation! Oh, ha ha ha! You will never guess the ending of Hide and Go Shriek, my friends. It is wrong on so many levels.

Nap Time

I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Four movies down, yahoo! I crash out on the bed for about 45 minutes. When I wake up and go out into the living room, LeEtta walks through the front door and hands me a small Styrofoam container full of leftover sushi from lunch. And she has brought me Vitamin Water. It’s like waking up into a magical dream. She heats up her leftovers from Gino’s (the Italian place next door) and Margie has tuna fish and a tomato. My lunch was so huge that five pieces of sushi are just fine for me. Time for the next movie.

sweetsixteen

5:14pm

Sweet Sixteen

The film opens with the completely agonizing song called “Melissa” and a nude scene from Melissa herself. Then Sweet Sixteen turns into an entirely different movie. There are a bunch of redneck fuckwads attempting to commit a hate crime on a cool old Native American duder but his hunky grandson, Jason Longshadow, steps in and kicks some ass. Melissa is there and she picks up some kook named Johnny. They get high and her dad catches them. Wait, she is fifteen years old? Wow. Oh yeah, duh, the title of the movie.

Anyway, Johnny gets wacked (and not the good kind) while he drinks alone out in the old burial ground. His buddy Hank and Hank’s sister Marcy are moderately upset about Johnny’s death. They live with their dad, Sheriff Dan who is played by Bo freakin’ Hopkins. This movie is pretty different from other slashers I’ve seen. The Native American angle is very unique and not too exploitative.

I love Melissa’s fake bad girl routine. She hits on a jock duder and it is funny as hell. Of course, any boy who gets involved with Melissa gets offed. Suspicion falls on old Grayfeather, Jason Longshadow’s grandpa and the rednecks decide to dole out their own brand of justice. Marcy and Melissa have it out at Johnny’s funeral and it is melodramatic magic. This means Melissa can finally stop being a total asshole. At her sweet sixteen party, Melissa is radiant. I think everything is going to be all right. Oh wait. There is some cool slow motion stuff happening. Uh oh, all is not right. I won’t spoil ANYTHING for you. This is a very, very different slasher. I dig it.

aerobicide

6:48pm

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout)

I think this was made in the 80s! After an amazing opening song, there is a tanning bed malfunction. Next up is some super sexy aerobics footage with lots of women wearing leotards and lots of makeup. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a magical place called Rhonda’s Workout. After closing, a beautiful black chick gets killed with a giant safety pin. One of the females employees of Rhonda’s likes to go through the men’s lockers to inspect and admire the jockstraps.

Morgan the detective is a bad ass duder. He shows up to question people about the murder. Everyone suspects some chick named Diane because she is super creepy. Rhonda Johnson owns the place and she is a super bitch. Whoa. There is an awesome fight scene between Chuck (the new guy) and Jimmy (the creep). Their muscle-bound brawling would kill a normal, wimpy guy instantly.

This movie features lots of crappy music and more aerobics footage. Aerobicide totally blows but it is also completely brilliant. The bodies just keep piling up and then Jimmy (the creep) has a weird sex fantasy after getting a concussion. After this scintillating insight into the mind of Jimmy, he gets killed. Damn, this movie is like watching a Member’s Only jacket fuck a pair of legwarmers, only not as sexy. Oh wait, Jimmy is alive. Then who the hell was that other guy?

I know he’s supposed to be our hero or whatever but Chuck (the new guy) is a jerk. You can’t have a rake fight with only one rake you fool! The aerobics footage remind LeEtta of the classic film, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I command her to log onto Amazon immediately and purchase that DVD. There is a chase scene and I hate this movie so much that I just start scribbling in black ink over whatever notes I was taking. When the Aerobicide theme song starts playing again (Aerobicide! Working out until you die!), I get up and do some mock-aerobics for the amusement of LeEtta and Margie. It feels good and only moderately humiliating, especially after how traumatizing this film was.

slumberpartymassacre2

“This Sunday is my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”

8:21pm

Slumber Party Massacre 2

Her name is Courtney. She is a dreamer. She is dreaming about horrible things, especially events from the first movie. She is the little sister all grown up. She is in a cool band with her friends. That is the good news. Her mom is an overprotective weirdo and her sister Valerie is in a loony bin. Courtney has to beg her mom to let her go away for a weekend with her band. She gets what she wants so she and her band go to a big empty condo. Courtney’s nightmares get worse.

There is a whole Nightmare on Elm Street vibe to this one. It is all very surreal. Champagne and corndogs and a slow motion pillow fight. Two idiot jerks show up and spoil all the fun. During her first night at the condo, Courtney has even more dream sequences and literally gallons of blood. LeEtta points out that there would be no movie without the dreams. I agree but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This film is trippy as hell and I love it. Everyone thinks Courtney is crazy. Sally’s pulsing little pimple turns into one of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen in a horror film. There is a Sixteen Candles moment and then everything just goes nuts. Nothing and everything is real. The killer looks like a skinny Andrew Dice Clay. This is an absurd music video. This has great lighting and great everything. Slumber Party Massacre 2 needs less rockabilly and more metal. Oh snap! It was all just a dream. Or was it. There really is no answer!

Goodnight

After the supreme majesty of Slumber Party Massacre 2, I decide to call it a night. I could go for another film but I made my 7 films per day quota for this moviethon plus I still have chores in the morning. I spend the rest of the evening organizing my notes and thinking about SPM2. I guess the only real dud today was Rocktober Blood. But was it really a dud? How could anything that bad be bad? You know what I’m saying? Now that I think on it, Hide and Go Shriek maybe wasn’t so good. Shut up, Richard! You’re not being nearly gnarly or radical enough for this moviethon.

Saturday

I woke up early and felt very refreshed this morning. I didn’t dream of a man with a drill guitar which is rather surprising. After a trip to 7-11 where I get an apple fritter the size of my head and LeEtta gets coffee for herself and Margie, I finish the morning chores. It is very hot outside and the air is pretty rank. Wow, it isn’t even June yet and it is sweltering. Well, everything is taken care of. Let’s do this!

cheerleadercamp

10:03am

Cheerleader Camp

I really like the music for this one. Allison is going through lockers in a dark gymnasium while the camera stalks around her. She is having a really obvious dream with heavy-handed symbolism. In the first 6 minutes of this film, a fat man gets his ass stuck in a van window. Miss Tipton welcomes us all to Camp Hurrah. Chicks are bickering and Brent is “hot to trot”. I love Cory. She is the mascot who has to “go through life as an alligator”. I will use quotes in every sentence from now on.

There is a moment when the girls are sunning themselves and it is the most unnatural scene ever staged in a film. One girl is already dead and it looks like a suicide but you and I know differently. Allison is full of doubts about herself. She pops pills, brushes her hair too hard (which reminds me of Tawny Kitaen in Witchboard), and has visions of bleeding out of her face. Oh no, why are Brent and Timmy the fat duder rapping? Allison goes looking for sodas. The creepy chef tells her to the freezer which she does. Inside, she starts chugging milk. Oh yeah, and she discovers the dead chick’s body.

Miss Tipton is banging the sheriff in a very funny scene. What the hell kind of a cheerleader camp is this? I hope they aren’t paying much for tuition. Allison and Cory are so deep. They have great philosophical talks. I’m wondering if this is a slasher movie. Oops, spoke too soon! Someone just got hedge clippers jammed into the back of her head.

At the big party, the camp has hired a band that is part punky, part metally, part new wavey, and all terrible. For lack of a better term, I refer to this band as “badical”. Bodies start piling up and everyone flees the scene except for our trusty cheer crew because someone has sabotaged their van. Timmy is a genius. Instead of running for his life, he stays in the woods in hopes to film the killer. We’ll miss you, Timmy. Holy shit, awesome ending. What a great way to start the day!

sororityhousemassacre

12:43pm

Sorority House Massacre

We start with some excellent music and a girl in a hospital bed. She is Beth and something bad has happened. Next thing we see, she shows up at a sorority house. Meanwhile, a madman in an asylum named Robert AKA Bobby starts howling and generally freaking out. Wow, this is really trippy too. Lots of dreamy slasher moments in this moviethon. Weird mannequins, dripping blood, and lots of slow motion photography. There are even shots from SMP2.

Next we meet Sarah, a plucky sorority cutie and my favorite character in the movie. This takes place on Memorial Day weekend. How ironic since we are watching this on Memorial Day weekend. Beth is having visions of a killer duder but her biggest problem is her awful outfit. I am digging this film already. There is all kinds of psychobabble and pseudoscience in this. It seems that Beth and this killer are psychically connected.

While Cindy (the stuck up chick) is gone, Beth and the girls sneak into her closet and try on her clothes in a sweet montage full of big shoulder pads and big boobies. I feel conflicted. The madman escapes from the asylum (“That was easy!” LeEtta comments (and she’s totally right)). The boyfriends show up and couples are arranged by height. There’s Andy, a goofy dumbass. Come on, Sarah! You can do better than that. A text from my friend Brad says that people call this film a Halloween rip-off. Ha! That’s pretty funny, I didn’t even think of that.

LeEtta the perfectionist notices that none of the lights are on in the house but the TV works just fine. The idiots find the murderer’s weapon hidden under a brick in the fireplace. They hypnotize Beth and she sees more and more of her past. She is the sole survivor of her brother’s massacre and- Whoa! Those are some huge bobbins on Tracy. They’re like titacular flesh missiles with nipple warheads.

Bobby shows up and the fun begins! This film mixes dreams with reality quite nicely. The revelation comes and it is pretty heavy handed at this point. The writers think the audience are a bunch of morons and are too stupid to follow along. Man, where would slasher movies be if people just kept hitting the killer when he’s down? How about we sever the head or bash a skull in for a change? Oh well.

curtains

2:10pm

Curtains

Brad (who is several states away) and I synchronize our DVD players and fire up Curtains. This film opens up ostentatiously enough with curtains opening. Very nice. A director, Johnathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), and his lead actress, Samantha (ohhhh, Samantha Eggar), go to see a psychologist and she flips out. Oh wait, she wants to get committed so she can study for her role. That, my friends, is a bad plan. So she’s in the loony bin and preparing for her role in the lead in the play called Audra. Of course, Stryker abandons her there.

Months later, Stryker is auditioning some chicks for Audra (at his house?) and oh snap, Samantha has escaped from the asylum with revenge on her mind. A rape scene turns out to be just a bored couple role-playing. Isn’t that sweet. Creepy doll moment! Hey, this movie is awesome. Patti, the comedienne chick, is great. She will probably be getting the best lines in this film and then the “perverted kid at the gas station” scene happens and I am totally right!

At the creepy old house, the tension between the actresses all vying for the same part is cranking up. Samantha makes her big entrance and I have to say she deserves to kill the shit out of Stryker. The guy is a major douchebagel. In a standout scene, the ice-skating chick finds that creepy doll buried in the snow and then the super freaky killer comes after her in ice-skates, wielding a scythe. That is what I call slasher perfection. Why the fuck is this film so hard to find? The stalking scene in the theatrical prop storage room reminded me of Blood and Black Lace. This is really good.

Short Break

I take Shadow out for a walk and it is very weird outside. It is also excruciatingly muggy out. The clouds are just hanging in the sky. If there is a breeze, I sure as shit can’t feel it. Once Shadow has finished relieving himself, I rush home as quickly as possible. Time for another movie. This next one is brought to us by the magical internet. I’ll be watching it on my computer.

hospitalmassacre

4:10pm

Hospital Massacre

Harold gives a little girl a valentine and she doesn’t respond very positively. So he kills her little brother. Flash forward 20 years and the little girl is all grown up. Her name is Susan (Barbi Benton). She has a freaky ex-husband and a daughter. This music is fantastic and this acting feels very TV movie of the week. Susan is going to the hospital for a routine checkup and things are immediately very bizarre. Yay! Another weird flick for the moviethon!

She gets on an elevator with some crazy person who is eating a hamburger dripping with ketchup. The killer shows up and he is a freaky duder in full surgeon’s regalia who grunts and breaths heavy. The killer switches Susan’s test results with that of a dying patient so that she has to stay in the hospital for more tests. This friggin’ movie is so damn strange. It is hospital freaky freaky!

Susan is on a table while a creepy doctor (who may or may not be the killer) is giving her an examination. It is cold, clinical, tense, and very off-putting. In fact, this movie is starting to get under my skin. It is making me uneasy and not in a good way. Susan gets lost in the seemingly endless halls of this hospital. The killer’s manipulations of the hospital bureaucracy is pretty brilliant. And the music! Every time the killer claims a victim, this odd chorus of female voices plays over the soundtrack. It’s rather Suspiria-like. I will never set foot in a hospital again.

Cigar Break

Shelly has come over though she is not exactly joining the moviethon. She, LeEtta, and Margie are going to a drag show. Yeah, I typed that correctly. I will be left alone with the slashers for a little while this evening. Out on the patio, Shelly smokes clove cigarettes (now marketed as clove cigars because of some ridiculous law) while I smoke a very dark Cain cigar. It is muggy and my Arizona watermelon drink is no help in cooling me off. When we get back inside the girls take off for true adventure.

slayerthe

7:05pm

The Slayer

I text Brad to let him know that I started this film and he does the same. You see, I’m not alone! The Slayer starts with a wicked nightmare sequence and I am hooked already. Our main lady is named Kay and she is haunted by some crazy visions. She and her husband David and another couple (her brother Eric and his wife Brooke) are going to spend a their vacation in an isolated beachside house. Kay might be disturbed. She is definitely an artist. They arrive on the island and it is gloomy and creepy. Major foreshadowing here. This is gonna be so good.

The guys are chill (even though Eric is a total dick) but the women folk are real complainers. The creepy caretaker is warning them about the coming storm but you know he’s talking about so much more. Some weirdo on the book is talking to himself when- Whack! Oar crushes skull! Take that, under-developed character. Where has this movie been all my life?

Brad makes a good point: “Nice to see adult characters in a slasher.” The storm comes and things get super spooky. Severed head awesomeness! Okay, that was just cool as hell. David is gone so everyone goes looking for him. Kay’s hair is almost as frightening as this movie – major helmet-head. She thinks the thing from her dreams is going to kill them all. Oops, they gave her sleeping pills. The dread is creeping in. Now Kay is alone and fighting to stay awake. This easily the scariest film I’ve seen in a while. Fucking awesome.

Long Break

I call up Brad so we can discuss The Slayer and we end up bullshitting for an hour and a half. Woops. I guess I could have watched a movie in that time but hey, we talked about slashers! I get off the phone so I can walk to 7-11 for some dinner. I get a hot dog and a Coke Slurpee. There is a storm in the distance and there is lightning in the clouds. For some reason, the parking lot of 7-11 and the parking lot of Gino’s are jumping. People really freak me out. I keep waiting for the machetes and knifes to come out. After laying waste to my dinner, I put on another film.

slaughterhigh

10:25pm

Slaughter High

Bitchin’ metal music, man! Caroline Munro pretending to be a high school student? All right. She and her dickhead friends stage a rather elaborate prank on Marty Rantzen, the school’s biggest nerd. Oh great, I just saw that dude’s dick. Man, these high school students are ancient. And the cruelty just won’t stop. The next prank goes too far and Marty gets blown up and hideously burned in the science lab. Fast forward some years and Caroline Munro is an actress with a sleazy manager. I love the way this is filmed.

I can’t tell if Munro is really awful or if it is her putrid American accent. Everyone in this movie is so obnoxious. And now the music sounds like plonky fart sounds. All these prankster assholes show up at the reunion and no one else. They break into the now condemned high school to party while a thunderstorm kicks up outside. The British actors are all trying to pretend to be Americans. This is the high school reunion that you bring a machine gun to.

A douchebagel drinks a poisoned beer and his guts explode. How quaint. All kinds of crazy shit starts happening. The idiots are locked in and the bars on the windows are electrified. Nice gore effects! If you decide to watch Slaughter High, prepare yourself to root for the villain and you’ll do just fine. All the bodies disappeared! Queue the theremin. The chase sequence at the end goes on too long but the ending is excellent. The biggest problem in this movie is Caroline Munro’s wardrobe. She is wearing this white Abba paintsuit with Bea Arthur shoulder pads. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.

Goodnight

The girls return from their evening at Hamburger Mary’s where they witnessed a drag show. Once Slaughter High is over, I grab my guitar and strum along while listening to the stories of the crazy stuff I missed. When things die down and folks have sufficiently sobered up, we call it a night.

Sunday

Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t get the characters from Hospital Massacre or Slaughter High out of my head. It was a slasher crossover of epic proportions and it was more than a little hallucinatory. To calm my racing mind, I thought about guitar pedals and effects loops. BAM! Instantly asleep. And then BAM! Acid reflux. Less than an hour later, I was in the kitchen munching on saltines and chastising myself for eating garbage after 10pm. Sigh, thems are the breaks. I slept like a rock until 10 in the morning. I know I dreamed but I don’t remember my dreams. My body needed the sleep but I’m still annoyed. Only 6 movies yesterday? Lame. That just means I have got to get righteous today. Okay kids, bring on the corpses and boobs!

splatteruniversity

10:54am

Splatter University

Somewhere in New York City, or Jersey, or some other godforsaken place, there is a crazy people ward with a bunch of annoying patients acting stupid. One of the patients finds a knife. Then some nurse with a terrible attitude gives an orderly and another nurse some grief while she smokes casually in the hallway. She is unbelievably hot. The orderly gets stabbed in the dick and we’re off. After a charmingly simple synthesizer-infused credit sequence, I fall in love with this film. Then it’s St. Trinians College three years later. Then a chick gets killed. Then it’s St. Trinians College one year later. What the hell?

Miss Parker aces her interview with the priest at St. Trinians. He warns her that her classroom is jinxed and that a girl was murdered there. I like this chick. She’s a little frumpy but she’s got a lot of class. But maybe she’s a secret hottie. Oh no, we are introduced to our future victims and they are horrible. It’s a bunch of lunkheads that weren’t charismatic enough for their Jersey Shore audition. I am going to tell you right now, I fucking hate the fuck out of these fuckers. I can’t tell if Splatter University is funny or thinks it’s being funny. We might have a case of unthinkable sarcasm or sub-irony here. I’m guessing this is a comedy. That makes me feel sad.

The first day on the job, Miss Parker gets in trouble when the students bring up abortion for debate topic in her sociology class while a priest is observing. My favorite character is Tony. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with a girl with huge hair. She asks him if he brought a condom and he tells her he’s already wearing it. He’s just a genuinely charming guy. Speaking of charm, this movie has loads of it. The cheap look, crappy sound, recycled footage, and infantile performances actually work.

I thought Slaughter High had the least likable characters of the moviethon but oh no, this is where all the jerks are at. Miss Parker is cool and I was right, she is totally a secret hottie. And she’s the only person that doesn’t make my skin crawl. She starts dating Mark, the suspicious professor who lies about knowing the teacher who got killed in her classroom. The murders are piling up and I’m just thinking to myself, “I wonder what the next flick in the moviethon will be.” Splatter University is good for a laugh or two but it’s not what one might call essential. I am very happy when it is over.

memorialvalleymassacre

“Besides those yayhoos couldn’t punch their way through a wet cracker anyways.”

12:19pm

Memorial Valley Massacre

From dirt cheap to only moderately cheap. The opening sequence has wretched muzak and stock footage. Cameron Mitchell? That’s all I needed to know! Cam is a big blowhard who is opening Memorial Valley for the public before it’s ready. His son David shows up looking for work and he is required by law to give him a job. David takes a lot of grief for being boss’s son from Ranger Webster. Oh, what’s this? There is some kind of a caveman causing trouble for the campers. No seriously. Did I mention this is a comedy?

Memorial Valley Massacre is a parade of wrong down a dead end street. The caveman is kind to the animals and all of the campers are stupid scumbags. It’s nature vs. city folk and we are all going to lose no matter what the outcome. The terrible fat kid goes for a spin on an ATV and the caveman takes him out. I’ll be damned if this isn’t entertaining. Deke, the cool old black guy, tells David about how Ranger Webster’s kid was kidnapped but never found and the police suspect that his body is buried somewhere in Memorial Valley. I’m ashamed for the screenwriters now.

A bear is blamed for the fat kid’s death and Ranger Webster refuses to shut the place down. He rounds up a posse of idiots with guns to go looking for the bear. This film is incalculably terrible and yet I like it. I just wish Cameron Mitchell would come back. Sigh. Today is going to be long and painful. One guy gets speared in the stomach AND throw into a pit of spikes. Margie asks if that’s overkill and I say that there I no such thing as overkill in a slasher movie.

The caveman finally meets a girl trampy enough to talk him through lovemaking but he gets too excited and breaks her back. Ugh, when is this going to end? Margie, LeEtta, and I have lots of questions for this movie. Why does the caveman not have a beard? How does he know how to operate a bulldozer? These will never be answered but at least we have them. That one chick notices that it’s Memorial Day and for some reason all hell breaks loose immediately. Stuff happens, the credits roll, and I feel like trying crystal meth for the first time. Screw it! Time for the next film.

dormthatdrippedblood

2:03pm

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

I don’t know who to trust. I don’t want to get attached to any of these characters. I’ve been hurt so many times before. Some guy gets strangled and just for an added bonus the killer cuts off a couple of his fingers. The movies are happening to fast for me to process them. That cute chick from other movies is in this. Her name is Debbie. She is somebody named something. Zuniga! Daphne Zuniga. There are people cleaning out a dorm, I think. There’s a girl on the phone and she is upset because they were going to take 75 tables and now they don’t know what they’re doing. SHIT. Maybe the crystal meth wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Debbie is going home for the holidays with her ugly parents. I’m not kidding, her parents are insanely ugly. Oops, now they’re all dead! See, that’s why I shouldn’t get close to people. Now that Debbie is gone I don’t know I’m be able to keep going. So now Joann is the girl we are supposed to be following. I feel so ashamed. I don’t want anyone else to die. This movie is pretty good so far.

Let me just make it clear right now that I am having trouble writing down my thoughts because they are nonsense. Joann is having doubts about her relationship with a guy who looks vaguely like Krist Novoselic (before he want bald). Some creepo has been sneaking around Dayton Hall and causing problems but he really just wants to be around people. He lacks the social graces! And he might have stolen a drill. I like Patty. She is cute and she has the hots for somebody. Her boyfriend Bryan isn’t going to be too happy about that.

So they’re in the dorm, the phone line it cut, and the lights are out. It is that simple, my friends. There are some cool scenes and I know that I am not doing this one justice. Gruesome kills. Nicely shot. Awesome score. Smart final girl which is always a plus. And that ending is wicked brutal. Oh jeez. I did not see that coming.

preythe

“Gypsies always go away, don’t they?”

3:34pm

The Prey

I put on this DVD from Cinema de Bizarre. It looks like their source is either the Japanese VHS or the laserdisc. Oh goodie, kids going camping. Gayle (beyatch), Bobby, and some dudez. And there’s a park ranger. Nature footage. The killer has monstrous creature hands. This is okay. A snake eats a mouse and people are mumbling around the campfire. One dude starts telling a story and we get a flashback to some gypsies telling a story about a killer. Levels of reality, my friends. Levels. Fuck, these fuckers can’t tell a fucking story to save their lives. The sepia tone for the flashback fades away but we’re still in the past.

Some gypsy has sex with a lady. It was totally consensual but she claims rape. Now everyone hates the gypsies. The people who shot this crap were in love with making movies and not watching them. Where’s Johnny Depp? He’s supposed to be a Chocolat gypsy, right? LeEtta points out that these are decidedly European gypsies. What are they doing in Great Depression era America or whatever? This damn gypsy party is going on forever and forever.

I am getting the distinct impression that this was two unrelated films joined together to make a mountain of suck. There’s lots of sex in this movie and everyone is panting and moaning and hissing. I fast-forward through a couple of these sex scenes. Sorry. Most of the music for this film sounds like stuff from the library archives. Despite the unrelated gypsy footage and the obviously padded storyline, I still love the ending.

Short Break

Me walk dog. Me hear screams of children. Happy screams. The sun is burning my brain. Me come back. Me wash face. Me get second wind. There is a dead snake.

dontgointhewoods

5:36pm

Don’t Go in the Woods

[The following is a transcript of audio captured with a handheld voice recorder.]

[beep]

Richard: My name is Richard. It is 5:36 on a Sunday afternoon and I am about to press play on Don’t Go in the Woods. But before I do that, I am going to mention that my wife LeEtta and I went outside and picked up a dead snake. It was not something that we are collecting but we decided to pick it up and throw it away because it was going to rot and get all stinky. And the maintenance people are off today because of the holiday weekend so we took care of the rotting corpse of the snake.

And now we are going to have some dinner shortly- Oh, we washed our hands. Let me make that abundantly clear. And we are going to watch a movie. There’s a pork roast in the oven and LeEtta is frying up some vegetables and I believe there is going to be some rice. So, I will start this movie now.

[beep]

This is what is known as a backwoods slasher film. The reason it is called backwoods is because it was filmed in the woods out back behind the community college. There were over 6 backwoods slasher movies make during the 1980s. This is one of those 6. What you need to know about this movie is that it takes place in the backwoods. There are trees, creeks, sticks, branches, water, sunlight, there are probably caves, and there might be nighttime when the sun goes down. If that is a spoiler, I apologize.

[beep]

I should mention that there are campers in this movie. Campers are people that go into nature in order to camp. They often like to bring short shorts or sleeveless shorts. Sometimes they are prone to humping. Sometimes they are prone to arguing and getting lost. These particular campers are very attractive people. They were born in the 80s and therefore the movie takes place in the 80s.

So far we have seen one person get killed. This person was not a camper. This person appeared to be a nature observer or a scientist. This person was killed with an object of sharpness. It was not clear what it was but his face got hurt and his arm was cut off. Then there was screaming and the camera cut away. I’m not sure what we missed but I am sure it was very exciting what we didn’t see. This is a movie.

[beep]

One surprising aspect of Don’t Go In The Woods is the presence of cameras in urban settings. In something that resembled a police station in a city or town there are people talking and there is a woman who is dubbed. That is not her voice. I’m not sure how they can show an acting without sharing their voice. There is a man with curly blond hair who is talking but I can’t hear what he is saying because I am recording this. There is a fat sheriff in this movie. A frighteningly fat sheriff.

This is film is made with film and it is old looking despite the fact that it was made sometimes in the 80s. It looks old as though, for instance, there were things that look old about it. Sometimes the camera is out of focus. I believe that this is an artist measure to keep us squinting and fearful of what is going to happen in this horror movie. Please wait while I watch the horror movie.

[beep]

I just want to say here and now that this is probably the greatest film ever made out in the woods with a Farah Fawcett rug on the ceiling of a camper. There is a woman who says things. She has a hawk-nose and she says horrible things. And there’s this guy named Dick who’s her lover and he keeps repeating himself over and over again. And I think perhaps he has earn an Oscar for his performance several times over. Fifteen honorary Oscars for every moment he is onscreen. And now Dick is dead. Poor Dick.

[beep]

My mother-in-law believes that aviator sunglasses are racist because more than just aviators wear them. It seems an unfair stereotype to refer to those sunglasses as aviator sunglasses. I need to point something out about this movie while I am talking about it. There are people being stabbed and there is blood flying everywhere.

LeEtta: Furry hands!

Richard: My wife said something about furry hands. She may be saying something-

LeEtta: The attacker had furry hands.

Richard: She may be saying something not related to the movie. But I believe she said the attacker had furry hands which means that the attacker is one of those people that dresses up like a panda bear and has sex in convention halls.

[beep]

One thing that many people don’t realize about Don’t Go in the Woods is that it is a dialog driven movie. For those of you who are dialog lovers, this DVD has provided you with the remastering . The music is loud, the screaming is loud, the sound effects are loud, um… Unfortunately the dialog is mixed very quietly so you may want to turn on the subtitle option so you can figure out what’s going on the movie. There is no subtitle option on this movie because deaf people can’t hear. So who is going to type it up? A bunch of listeners? I don’t believe that’s fair or right or just. This is American, people, let’s see what we can do.

[beep]

One of the aspects of Don’t Go in the Woods is the wondrous music used throughout this film. In particular is the music used when the killer -who is a mountain man- shows up in his fur-wrapped baton talon knife javelin sword with the people he is trying to kill. It is a curious sound and my wife has identified it as a bouncy rubber ball. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. This sound when you hear it, it means run because that means the killer is coming.

There are t-shirts in this movie and tents and roots of trees. Um… I haven’t seen any insects but I am assuming there are insects. There are jeans and t-shirts and rocks in this movie. There are also branches of trees. LeEtta asked the question why do women have the baggy shirts and why do men have the tight shirts. And the answer is obvious. Those aren’t women. Those are men. Very, very sultry men.

LeEtta: In aviator sunglasses.

Richard: Don’t be a racist. It’s not about aviator sunglasses. Do you want to be in a street fight? Then don’t wear your aviators! Don’t wear your aviators!

[beep]

Hellos this is Richard again. We have reached the hour mark and we are done with this movie. I just want to make a note of that. This movie should be ending. Um… So… Just letting you know that.

[beep]

Far be it from me for criticizing a movie for being different but- Wait a minute! What the fuck? I was just about to talk shit about this movie because the girls are out of commission. One girl dead. One girl in the hospital. But they just went on this little hunting party to go find Joanie and they brought Ingrid along to help collect evidence. And of course, she’s completely traumatized, wrapped in a blanket, and staring at a bloody machete. And… there’s one other thing. She looks like a boy!

LeEtta: She does. She looks like one of the Weasley twins.

Richard: Ohhhhh. Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

[beep]

Okay, this is Richard and the movie is over. LeEtta would you like to share your thoughts on this film?

LeEtta: Oh my God.

Richard: Could you elaborate?

LeEtta: There’s a little girl in the woods and she’s-

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: No, there was always a little girl in the woods.

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: In the beginning there was… axe. Axes?

Richard: Axe me a question, I’ll tell you no lies.

LeEtta: I forgot what the [unintelligible] was. [laughing]

Richard: That was my wife. So Margie, would you care to comment on the movie?

Margie: I didn’t get to see the whole thing.

Richard: What did you think of what you saw?

LeEtta: The Teddy Bears’ Picnic!

Margie: It would be a spoiler.

LeEtta: It’s the Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Richard: That is awesome. That is a perfect closing song for this perfect movie.

[beep]

initiationthe

7:28pm

The Initiation

This movies starts off with some neato synthesizers and dolls with their heads ripped off. A little girl is seeing her mommy bang a strange man. Her father walks in, flips out, fights with the stranger, and then dies in the ensuing fire. It was a dream! Flash forward to some awesome sorority chicks in lingerie standing over the waking Kelly (Zuniga again) and chanting.

Next thing, we go to a madhouse with some crazy patients. Could Kelly’s dad be alive? No way! The mean old nurse can’t control the patients. Zuniga has more dreams/nightmares. Hey, this is a smart movie. But don’t fret, there is time for melodrama (dead serious confessions) and clowning around (sorority and fraternity pranks).

She has to help the sorority girls break in to her father’s department store. The pledges’ mission is to steal the uniform off the hunky security guard there. They don’t know that the poor bastard is already dead. The bitchy sister from hell has something up her sleeve so the girls get a big scare. This is really good. How the hell did I wait so long to watch this? Time just flies. Never a dull moment. I wish I had more to say.

houseonsororityrow

“Aim at that sack over there.”

9:13pm

The House on Sorority Row

Please note: For some reason, I lost the ability to take notes during this movie. I could neither type nor write them down by hand. After I begged her to help me, LeEtta agreed to take over. Here is what she wrote down:

Hello, this is LeEtta reporting.

Sorority babes just graduated and stick around to help clean up the house.

Balloon looks like a boob.

Hey, so the house mother is the lady giving birth in the first scene.

It’s an uprising!

Uh oh! Doc is giving the lowdown on Ms. Frazier’s (the house mother’s) craziness.

A GUN, A GUN.

Hey, that gun is loaded.

Oh damn, accidental death.

Richard says: The one thing that really dates this movie is the band.

Richard says: That’s more Peter than I can handle!

Richard says: Ah! I love the knowing glances.

Hey look, old fuses.

What’s with the saggy bottom boys?

“I’m a sea pig.”

That is a fantastic figure to put clothes on.

Yeah! Put the body in the dumpster.

Dead bird in cage.

Richard is making suppositions about Peter.

In case of emergency, call Doc.

Hide body in open grave – ingenious!

Why the hell is Doc sneaking up on people with hypodermic needles, yo?

Crazy awesome lighting cool hallway shot killer in a mask head in toilet

OH NOES – KILLER ISN’T DEAD!

The Last Short Break

Margie heads off to bed, wishing us the best of luck. We hit the showers for a last bit of energy to get through the last movie. We are relatively delirious. I slam my Mountain Dew just to make sure I can stay on the ball.

intruder

11:01pm

Intruder

I found the laserdisc of this for 50 cents once and started watching it. During the first few minutes I checked IMDB and found out that it was the censored version. I immediately turned off the movie and then totally forgot about it. So here it is, finally. Uh oh Jen is having guy trouble. Her ex, Craig, shows up at her job at the grocery store just before closing and starts making trouble. In fact, he pretty much kicks the asses of all the dudes that work there and then takes off to parts unknown in the store. LeEtta wakes up (I didn’t even noticed that she had dozed off) and decides to call it a night.

The tension builds immediately and you just have to wonder where the hell this is going. The Raimi boys are in this and they are friggin’ great. They catch Craig and throw him out of the store. While waiting for the cops to come, the boss drops the bomb on them; he’s selling the store and their employment ends at the end of the month. As an added bonus they have to stay late repricing the entire store. Jen reveals to her pal Linda that her jerky ex actually killed a guy in a bar brawl so she broke up with him.

This movie is an indie spectacular. There are lots of crazy experimental shots and all kinds of character dynamics and development that you don’t normally see in a slasher. I love the way this is building. What in the world is going to happen? When does this turn into a horror movie? Okay, Linda just got whacked. The dark sense of humor of Intruder just showed itself.

One by one everyone is getting knocked off in increasingly gory ways. There is a table saw scene that reminds me of the one in Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue only done way better. This film is just cool and clever and bad ass. This flick is just way, way over the top. What I love about Intruder is that it feels like something I would have caught on cable back in the day and loved immensely. I love it now (even if it’s a little long-winded).

12:41am

Conclusion

This moviethon, more than all the others before it, feels like it was a very long journey. I can’t remember what movie I started with. And I feel like a different person than the guy I was on Friday morning. When I turn off the lights and walk across the bedroom, even the darkness is disorienting. I can feel the blood of all those murders swirling around me as my brain pulses and these invisible waves roll through, distorting my senses. And to think, people take drugs to feel this way. Fools! Good freakin’ night, my friends. Thank any and all of you for joining me on this ultra-slashy 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day.

Final Stats

Total Body Count – 175 (approximately)
Nude Scenes – 37 (boobs, butts, bush, and wieners)

That Freudstein House!

thatfredusteinhouse

Let me go ahead and show my hand here. Lucio Fulci’s The House by the Cemetery (from 1981) is my favorite film of all time. It’s not just my favorite horror film. It’s my favorite film. Period. Exclamation mark. While The Beyond is a bigger spectacle and Don’t Torture a Duckling is a better film, the tale of Dr. Freudstein, for my money, represents the best of Fulci’s gory golden age. I’m also particularly attached to this film because it reminds me so much of autumn. You see, I live in Tampa and fall around here just means more summer so anything that can jumpstart my autumnal heart is essential. Think of this as Fulci’s It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown except the pumpkins are rotting corpses and Linus Van Pelt is Bob Doyle, the most irritatingly dubbed kid in the history of Italian horror cinema.

In the film, Dr. Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco of New York Ripper) is called to continue the work of Dr. Peterson, a colleague who killed himself while researching old houses in Boston. Norman, his wife Lucy (Catriona MacColl of City of the Living Dead) and their young son Bob (Giovanni Frezza) relocate to Boston for six months so that he can finish his work. Almost immediately, Bob meets and befriends a little ghost girl named Mae (Silvia Collatina) who warns him not to go into the house? What house? Why the Freudstein house, of course!

A crooked realtor named Laura Gittleson (Dagmar Lassander of The Frightened Woman) sets up the Boyle family for a whole mess of trouble by putting them in the former home of Dr. Freudstein, a place where people have been dying violently and/or disappearing. It turns out that Norman’s former colleague was so obsessed with Dr. Freudstein, a mad scientist who was exiled from the medical community 80 years prior, that he committed suicide. In walks Ann the babysitter (Ania Pieroni), apparently sent over by Laura to look after Bob.  Lucy can’t help but notice Ann’s bizarre demeanor but Norman can’t be bothered.

Strange noises echo throughout the house and Lucy (who is already hopped up on mood stabilizers anyway) begins to lose her grip on her sanity. In order to help his wife keep her shit together, Norman agrees to go into the basement that has remain locked the entire time. While Lucy and he are down there, they are assaulted by a bat that looks like turds and fur with a pair of wings. The bat latches onto Norman’s hand; he then rushes upstairs and starts stabbing the thing with a kitchen knife. He appears to be taking great joy slaughtering the thing and flings blood all over the place including Bob (who looks just a tad shell-shocked by the spectacle).

That evening, while the Boyle fam is at the doctor, Laura the shitty realtor shows up when everyone is out and gets royally killed to death by an unseen Dr. Freudstein who drags her body down to the basement. The following morning, Ann is wiping up the blood but nobody notices because… um… the coffee is ready. As it starts to look like she may be in on the conspiracy of murders, Ann gets her friggin’ head chopped off which Bob sees rolling down the stairs. Of course, Lucy can’t find any evidence of the babysitter’s decapitation and convinces him it all just in his imagination.

To make sure that his college fund is a complete waste of time, Bob decides to head down to the basement that night and search for Ann (or at least her head). This time, Bob comes face to face with Dr. Freudstein and the charnel house that he has made of the basement. Norman, armed with proof that Freudstein is alive and using human remains to recharge his cells, and Lucy, armed with a mother’s love, rush to Bob’s rescue. But are they too late to save their irritating little boy? And more importantly, just who will save them?

Seems pretty straight forward, right? Well, it ain’t. There is so much more to this moody gorefest that every time I watch it, I have to wonder what planet it came from. Frequent Fulci collaborator, Sergio Salvati, is a fantastic cinematographer and doesn’t miss a beat here. The man knows how to pick up the minutest details and knows when to slap on the old fish eye lens to distort the truly terrifying sequences. Salvati is also complicit in feeding Fulci’s eye fetish and there are many, many close-ups of peepers. He also captures the amazing Freudstein house in all of its exterior Massachusetts glory (interiors filmed in Rome). It’s such an amazing house, I want to live there- oh fuck me, is that a tombstone built INSIDE the house? I still want to live there.

You’d think that child actors would get dubbed by child voice actors but no, that’s too expensive. Bob and Mae’s voices are provided by adults pretending to be children and they are both outrageously irritating. Bob wins out as the most annoying dubbing job in Italian horror history (his only rival is Marco in Mario Bava’s Shock). But screw the dubbing, all that matters is that Catriona MacColl’s trademark scream comes through loud and clear in this flick. Oh, I better mention the soundtrack by Walter Razatti. The House by the Cemetery has the quintessential early 80s horror score with a bevy of eerie synthesizer and piano pieces.

Lapses in logic and obtuse exchanges between characters make for a confounding viewing experience the first time around but after you let the magic set in, it all makes sense. Okay, maybe ‘sense’ is too strong of a word. The embodiment of incomprehensibility is Ann the babysitter. Ann is played by the captivating Ania Pieroni whom you may remember from Dario Argento’s Inferno where she played another weird role as the Mother of Tears. What the hell is the secret that Norman and Ann seem to share? Why does Norman deny that the Freudstein house looks exactly like the one in the photo hanging in his office? Why is Lucy on crazy pills? Can we trust her? Why doesn’t Bob get run over by a car in the first five minutes of the film and spare us the pain of listening to his ass-feather voice? The answer to all of these questions comes in the explanation of how Dr. Freudstein has stayed alive all these years: “He needs human victims to renew his cells.”  Well, aren’t you satisfied?

As soon as we see down in that basement with all those chunks of people scattered all over the place, my eyes light up like it’s my 10th birthday forever. While I did pick this flick up in a bargain DVD bin for chump change back in 2003, the basement sequences feel so strangely familiar that I keep trying to convince myself I’ve seen this before. Some of my favorite childhood memories are fighting insomnia by catching horror movies in the small hours. Two of the most important were Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue AKA Horrible and Girls Nite Out (the one where the killer wears a bear costume). Could it be that I tuned in just in time to see Bob and his mom desperately trying to evade the rotting grasp of Dr. Freudstein?

Well, if I first discovered this film when I was just a pup or not until my mid-20s makes very little difference. The House by the Cemetery has a zombified mad scientist, a grand old haunted house, a ghost with psychic abilities (is that special or do they all have them?), numerous gore setpieces, and a plethora of themes and hidden meanings to explore and dissect. Add all that up and you’ve got one seriously essential piece of Italian gore-art. The house awaits you; creaky doors, an inch of dust, cobwebs, intestines, and all. Come for the splatter but stay for the intangible horrors and the unmistakable Lucio Fulci-ness of it all. And I tell you, good people, that gory and bleak finale is one of the most satisfying in all of horror filmdom. If you call yourself a horror fan, then check this one out. Or else.

Night of the Devils

nightofthedevils

Night of the Devils (1972)

A man suffering from amnesia (Gianni Garko) staggers out of the woods, injured, and catatonic. He is brought to a hospital where a doctor (Umberto Raho) runs tests which determine the man has suffered a terrible shock that has reduced him to this agitated and paranoid state. The only person who can identify this man is Sdenka (Agostina Belli), a lovely young woman who claims she met the patient a just few days ago. She identifies him as Nicola, a business man from Italy, but then disappears after the very sight of her drives Nicola into a frenzy.

The film then flashes back to a few days before to the events that drove Nicola mad. While purchasing lumber for his company, Nicola’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he seeks help from a family returning from a funeral and living in a nearly abandoned village in the woods. Jovan (played by Roberto Maldera) agrees to help Nicola but it must be in the morning because there is said to be a blood-drinking witch who prowls around at night. This turns out to be true when the patriarch Gorca (Bill Vanders) returns from attempting to kill the witch but is now a vampire himself. As each member of the family falls prey to vampiric forces, Nicola tries to rescue the lovely Sdenka, the lovely daughter of Gorca with whom he has fallen in love with.

Night of the Devils kicks in with one of the most attention-grabbing opening scenes in Italian horror. Gianni Garko (or Sartana to you spaghetti western types) comes stumbling out of the woods into a clearing. He passes out near a stream and wakes up in a hospital where he is being examined by doctors. During his tests, we see into his mind where he is tormented by horrific visions of rotting corpses, a woman’s face getting shot off, ghoulish figures ripping the flesh from a naked woman’s body. This sequence is spell-binding. Its cheesy for sure but it is impossible not to wonder just what happened to this guy. Curiosity = piqued? You know it.

Director Giorgio Feroni (Mill of the Stone Women) remakes the ‘Wurdulak’ segment of Mario Bava’s Black Sabbath but makes it his own by amping up the sex, the gore, and the cackling madness of the vampires. The soundtrack by Giorgio Gaslini (So Sweet, So Dead) is great with its haunting vocal pieces and tense and minimal freakouts. Spanish cinematographer, Manuel Berenguer, keeps things nice and claustrophobic. While the countryside is nice, it is never pretty. Instead, the entire film is very somber and cast in shadows (without being overly dark). When there is a brightly lit scene, it screams danger and madness. If I have to find faults with this flick then it would be that the pacing is a little slow and the gore effects are looking a bit gamy.

Oh, this cast is great. Gianni Garko is always good. The lovely Agostina Belli of Holocaust 2000 and Scream of the Demon Lover is excellent as the sweet (or possibly evil) Sdenka. You might remember Roberto Maldera from The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave where he played the very unlucky groundskeeper. The luscious and hypnotic Teresa Gimpera of Crypt of the Living Dead gets ripped to shreds in this one (and it’s not by the critics). The always dependable Umberto Raho who usually plays police inspectors gets to flash his skillz by playing a doctor! And then there’s Maria Monti as ‘The Witch’. This is a truly eerie performance from an underused actress who had a small role in What Have You Done to Solange? I also have to mention young Cinzia De Carolis who grew up and played the freaky jailbait who tries to seduce John Saxon in Cannibal Apocalypse.

Night of the Devils is one of those forgotten masterpieces and a genuinely gore-soaked relic. This is the kind of cinema that drives me nerdily on. This film proves that if you think you’ve seen every last scrap of Italian junk, chances are there is one more title out there you need to see. Creepy, sleazy, bloody, melodramatic, nasty, and, as an added bonus: mind-fucky! The somber tone never lets up for a second and you just know that this ain’t gonna end well for our deranged hero. This is good stuff, y’all.

“Television? Now that’s something I’ve never seen!”