1970s horror

Tragic Ceremony

Tragic Ceremony (1972)

One stormy night, four friends, led by rich boy Bill (Tony Isbert), run out of gas while returning from a camping trip and stop at a mansion for help. The lord of the house (played by Luigi Pistilli) invites them in but he is distracted by the group of Satanists he is entertaining. When one of the four friends, Jane (Camille Keaton), is to be used as a sacrifice in a ritual, Bill and his friends step in. After Bill accidentally kills the lady of the house (Luciana Paluzzi), the entire group of Satanists goes berserk and the night ends in bloodshed. The four friends flee the mansion with their lives but have no idea that there are still in grave danger.

One of Italy’s unsung heroes of horror, Riccardo Freda, directs this follow up to his 1971 giallo The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire. Though Tragic Ceremony takes a while to get going and is a little confusing (intentionally?), I can’t help but be happy about its DVD debut. The film is definitely a bizarre one. Its plot is as shaky as the sometimes inept yet elegant cinematography. How does that work? The lighting is acceptable but there are some occasional moments of brilliance. I really like Stelvio Cipriani’s sweeping, melodramatic, and overly sentimental score for the film.

Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave is quite good as Jane, the haunted, strange, and sometimes callous young woman that everybody (especially the Satanists) wants a piece of. Surprisingly, the main male actors in Tragic Ceremony are pretty dang good (not what I was expecting). While they may have some weak dialogue to contend with, Tony Isbert (I find that very amusing (is he really Bert?)), Máximo Valverde, and Giovanni Petrucci, all still manage to perform competently in this weird and somewhat wandering horror film.

My only gripe about the casting is that the late and oh so very great Luigi Pistilli is totally wasted in his brief role. Maybe he did it as a favor to the director but I was kind of disappointed by what is little more than an extended cameo. What can I say? This intense and charismatic guy is one of my favorites. Check out Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key for one of his finest performances.

Those uninitiated into the world of Eurohorror might be alienated by this odd little number but diehard fans of the genre (and fans of Riccardo Freda especially) need to check out Tragic Ceremony. This flick has got some silly ass psychobabble, gratuitous nudity, supernatural hokum, ludicrously over-the-top gore, and even some sweet, sweet gothic excesses tossed in for good measure. Don’t let the meandering and fairly obvious plot put you off. I’m telling you, this one is worth it.

“The lady had exceptional mediumistic powers.”

Spirits of Death

Spirits of Death (1972)

Mariale (Ida Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart) has recurring visions of her mother’s murder at the hands of her father when she was a child. The grief and the horror of this incident has turned her into something of a shut-in. Her husband Paolo (Luigi Pistilli) keeps her in their castle away from others and keeps her doped up for her own good. When Mariale decides to throw a party with a bunch of she and Paolo’s wacky friends, things quickly get out of hand. The party turns into a decadent feast. Did I mention that Massimo (Ivan Rassimov), Mariale’s old flame, is one of the guests attending this little soiree? Oh shit! Tensions begin to rise and soon the party guests start dropping like dang flies at the hands of a brutal murderer.

The languidly paced yet beautiful Spirits of Death creeps across my TV screen and I can’t help but love it. Stuck somewhere between giallo and gothic horror, this film is both eerily nightmarish and sleepily dull (thanks to its substandard ironic plot). Unfortunately, director and cinematographer Ramano Scavolini would go on to direct only one other horror outing: the elusive slasher Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. Because you know what? I really liked where he was going with this one. Then there’s the haunting and phantasmagorical score by Fiorenzo Carpi and Bruno Nicolai which is impossible to forget once you’ve heard it.

I can’t recommend Spirits of Death (AKA A White Dress for Mariale) for anyone just getting into Italian horror films starting with this one but I think this is worth a look for you seasoned experts out there. The cast kicks ten different kinds of ass with Galli, Rassimov and Pistilli on hand. There’s also plenty of sex and violence to make up for some of the drowsy bits. But the pacing is really out of whack with its moments of noise and freakishness followed immediately by scenes of shaky and strange calmness. This would make a fine double feature with Francesco Barilli’s The Perfume of the Lady in Black.

“Mariale, what is on your mind?”

Something Creeping in the Dark

Something Creeping in the Dark (1971)

During a terrible storm, a group of obnoxious strangers are stranded at a mysterious house in the middle of nowhere occupied only by a lone hippie butler named Joe (Gianni Medici). Among them is a murderous criminal named Spike (Farley Granger) accompanied by two police detectives trying to haul him in. While playing a haunting melody on the piano, Spike makes a strange connection with Sylvia (Lucia Bose), a bored bourgeois lady, much to the dismay of her husband Donald (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). Things get really strange when Sylvia holds a seance and they make contact with Sheila Marlowe, the recently deceased owner of the house. It seems that Sylvia’s spirit is not the restful type and she wants a new body to possess. People start dropping like flies under strange circumstances and the chances that anyone is going to survive until dawn are slim.

I want to love this movie, I really do. Oh yeah, it’s gonna be one of those reviews. The kind where I can’t be trusted. Director and writer Mario Coluuci only directed one horror film and it’s easy to see why. Something Creeping in the Dark has some great and very weird moments but the pacing is so off, it is almost funny. Almost. There is very little blood but there is plenty of violence with all the strangulation, bludgeoning, and shooting going on. What this movie has a great deal of is sex. Most of it is suggested and it’s as subtle as a sledgehammer (the Peter Gabriel kind).

There’s a little skin on display from Joe’s girlfriend, played by the adorable Giulia Rovai (who went on to star in nothing). The cast is also blessed with two lovely vixens: Lucia Bose and Mia Genberg (who plays Susan, the repressed nerd whose inhibitions come out and play once the ghost is in control), who both get to wear some very skimpy outfits. Lucia Bose participates in the film’s freakiest scene. While Spike is charming Sylvia’s panties off with his piano playing skills, the two of them share a disturbing fantasy sequence. In this daydream (?), Spike chases Sylvia around, slaps her around, and is about to rape her when she stabs him with a knife. She stabs him again and again and again while Spike just laughs maniacally. Genius!

The seance is where this film really kicks into high gear. (Don’t get used to it.) As you may have figured out by now, I love seance sequences in horror movies and this one is pretty superb. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart kicks all kinds of ass here when his character Donald, a natural medium, becomes possessed by the spirit they are contacting. Donald is a little ball of misery and rage and the ghost takes advantage of that with deadly results. It’s nice to see Rossi-Stuart actually getting into his role for a change. When directors didn’t know what to do with him, duder really phoned it in. Check out The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (totally awful) and Death Smiled at Murder (better film, same result) to see what I mean.

I started out looking for a giallo and found whatever this is instead. But I’ve watched Something Creeping in the Dark twice now and I still can’t get a hold on it. Yes, it’s boring. All of the good stuff: the trippy possession and poltergeist sequences, the loungy/eerie soundtrack by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino, the painfully obvious model house, the catty and banal dialogue, the always welcome presence of Farley Granger (Amuck!), and general disjointedness, just doesn’t make up for the snooze factor involved. Thanks to a couple of well-crafted scares though, I will be returning to the house of Sheila Marlowe against my will. It’s almost as if she has possessed me as well. What’s that, Sheila? You want me to eat more bacon? Okay!

“This kind of morbid exultation can be harmful to the nerves. I advise against it.”

Shadow of Illusion

Shadow of Illusion (1970)

Advertising executive, Gail Bland (Daniela Giordano), travels to Cairo to do a business deal with a company called Isis Cosmetics. Once there, Gail is beset by all manner of bizarre occurrences and weird people. A cult led by a creepy brother (Antonio Cantafora) and sister (Krista Nell) believe that she is the reincarnation of Isis and want to sacrifice her. Enter Caleb (William Berger), a swingin’ cool cat professor to her rescue. He takes Gail to see the sites, always just one step ahead of the mysterious cult. Every time Caleb leaves her alone, danger rears its heavily eye-shadowed head.

This rather different little film sports some great cinematography from Erico Menczer (The Dead are Alive, The Cat o’ Nine Tails) and a jazzy, fun score from the ever-reliable Carlo Savina (Lisa and the Devil). The plot is very simple and it’s peppered with a lot of foolish behavior on Gail’s part to keep it moving. This gets frustrating after a while but all of it can be explained away by her goofy state of mind (never smoke cigarettes from a stranger in Cairo) so whatever. Luckily, Mario Caiano’s direction is solid and everyone involved delivers decent performances.

There is very little blood but there is some violence and even a little sleaze. Oh and there’s a miserable dance number during a ritual that will have you groaning or cheering depending on your state of mind. I’m sure that the rampant dope-smoking and LSD trip sequence will appeal to a certain type of audience. That’s right, I’m talking to you, druggie!

I can’t imagine that casual viewers will like Shadow of Illusion. But if you’re like me, you’re on a constant quest for every giallo ever made (and I’m not saying this is a giallo) and don’t mind stumbling upon mostly entertaining Italian horror nonsense then you’ll probably get a kick out of this one. This film limps along surprisingly well and just barely stays ahead of its thin premise and awkward dubbing the whole time. About an hour in, I thought to myself, “This is something Jess Franco should have directed.” So you can take that for what it’s worth.

Satan’s Wife

Satan’s Wife (1979)

The film opens with a disco satanic ritual featuring some nude dancers. Then we meet Carlotta (Anne Heywood), a former Satanist, and her daughter Daria (Lara Wendel), who Carlotta suspects is the child of Satan. Daria spends her time being a total asshole (so she has to be the devil’s kid) by torturing her teacher (Valentina Cortese) and a boy from her school. Carlotta seeks help from her witchy friends and even an evil priest (John Phillip Law) but Daria is too strong for them all. There is a final showdown but you’ll only see it if you’re still awake at the end of the movie.

If you were looking for the worst satanic horror film ever made, you’d meet up with Satan’s Wife AKA Ring of Darkness on your way down the list. Way, way down. Pier Carpi serves as both director and writer on this one and botches them both pretty good. The film is also edited poorly and it feels as though scenes are out of order but they probably aren’t. The dubbing is particularly atrocious as are the lame visual effects. Stelvio Cipriani’s score is a synthmare (which I normally appreciate) but sounds awfully familiar. It may be made up outtakes from other better film scores.

One reason to check out this mess is for all the great actors on hand. Anne “Chiseled Cheekbones” Heywood of The Killer Is On the Phone is great as the exasperated mother of the daughter of Satan. Heywood is always good for some Joan Collins level silliness and this film is no exception. Dig on her rocker makeup for the big final ceremony. Valentina Cortese of Juliet of the Spirits and Irene Papas of Oasis of Fear are pretty great and do a fine job in this terrible flick. John Phillip Law and Marisa Mell of Diabolik? What the hell? Were they bored that year or something? The insanely beautiful Paola Tedesco of Watch Me When I Kill is here as well but I wish she wasn’t. Tedesco, who hasn’t acted since the early 80s, is totally underused in this film.

Lara Wendel would show up for a grisly death scene in Tenebre a few years after this nightmare. She would even get starring roles in Umberto Lenzi’s wacko Ghosthouse and the completely ridiculous Joe D’Amato-produced Zombie 5: Killing Birds. In Satan’s Wife, Wendel has some pretty cool moments but mostly this child of the devil doesn’t act very evil. Daria just seems like a smug teenage jerk who is obsessed with dolls and occasionally talks directly to the camera. The potential is there for a really creepy performance but Pier Capri’s confused script just isn’t up to the task.

It’s impossible not to be a little underwhelmed and/or insulted by Satan’s Wife but if you’re like me, you’ll ignore the bad reviews and watch this sleazy crap anyway. Pier Carpi’s film is a bottom of the barrel Exorcist/Omen-clone but it does feature some unintentional comedy from the terrible dialogue, pitiful overacting, and wacky opening dance number. Pretty much everyone involved (except the director/writer) has done better work elsewhere. There are some interesting elements like how all of Carlotta’s old satanic buddies’ lives are destroyed because of their alliance to the dark lord. Hey, you know what? This film features a chess analogy! Okay, okay, don’t watch this one.

“Where did you get my sword? I told you never to go near that cupboard!”

The Queen of Black Magic

The Queen of Black Magic (1979)

A wedding party falls under a black magic curse. The bride has horrific visions and the entire ceremony is in shambles. The groom, Kohar, took Murni’s virginity and then spurned her for his new woman. Now he accuses her of casting the curse upon his fiancé. Kohar encourages the villagers to capture Murni, set her mother on fire, and then throw her off a cliff. She is rescued from death by a witch doctor who teaches her the arts of black magic. Murni uses her newfound abilities to get vengeance on Kohar and the people who tried to destroy her.

Obviously not big on women’s lib, Murni (played by the lovely Suzzanna) is first manipulated by the man she loves and then becomes a pawn of the evil sorcerer. Thankfully, Kohar, the unrepentant prick gets what he deserves. Permana, the holy man, comes preaching that prayer is the best defense against black magic and he’s right. The ignorance of the villagers and their refusal to pray will spell out their doom.

The Queen of Black Magic has excellent direction and pacing. The movie flies by as we are treated to one wild scene after another. Somebody please, buy me this soundtrack! The score for The Queen of Black Magic is some wild synthesizer action mixed with a killer string section and awesome percussion. It’s freakin’ great!

The gore effects are simple but gruesome with some wicked splatter moments. One evil bastard is killed when giant blood-filled boils appear on his body and burst all over the place. Another choice scene comes when someone rips his own head off. The head starts flying around and bites a strip of flesh off the leader of the village.

This was my first foray into Indonesian horror and it will not be the last. The story reminded me of a 70s Shaw Brothers gore flick but more conservative like an Indian horror film (just without the musical numbers). Other than the crazy gore and Murni’s wacky training montage, the most outlandish aspect of The Queen of Black Magic is a totally unnecessary melodramatic twist at the end that just makes the story a little more confusing and a little more strange. Overall, this is a fun flick that folks with a taste for international horror will go bonkers over. Highly recommended!

“All men are traitors!”

Lucifera: Demon Lover

Lucifera: Demon Lover (1972)

Helga (Rosalba Neri) and her friends are out sightseeing one day when they pass by a lovely castle in the countryside. Inside they find a creepy butler (John Benedy) who invites them to dinner. Suddenly, Helga doesn’t feel very well and she is encouraged to have a rest in one of the bedrooms. She falls asleep and is transported to another time. In this past life, Helga is about to marry a handsome man named Hans (Ferdinando Poggi) but she is afraid that her marriage is cursed after a mysterious hooded stranger sees her wedding dress.

Desperate to prevent bad things from befalling her marriage, Helga approaches an old crone who tells her of a good luck spell. Helga needs her two friends to carry out this sketchy magic and they agree to join her at the gallows. Once the spell is cast, her friends are taken away by a coven of witches/vampires. Thinking that she has it made, Helga prepares for her big day but then a mysterious stranger named Gunther (Edmund Purdom) shows up and presents her with a new proposition. He offers her limitless pleasure and all she has to do is sacrifice Hans on her wedding night. Will Helga be tempted by the DEVILish man?

By the early 1970s, the Italian gothics had lost their edge. The budgets got smaller, the gore (yay!) and the sex (meh.) got more explicit, and things just seemed to be winding down for the subgenre. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. Obviously, I wish that more directors slumming in this crap had made some cheap gialli instead. And yet there are some magnificent films from this era (such as The Devil’s Wedding Night and Blood Castle) but they are usually campy and more than a little rough around the edges. Paolo Lombardo’s 1972 film, Lucifera: Demon Lover, is a particularly clunky example of compensating for a lack of suspense and scares by throwing in more skin.

The title card promises the audience a film in the tradition of the Grand Guignol. Well, this mishmash of Satanic horror, vampirism, sex, torture, and low cut gowns is definitely entertaining once it gets going (after the friggin’ half hour mark). The cinematography by Antonio Modica is a little drab for my tastes but he gets the job done. I really dig the musical score by Elvio Monti. He gets points for keeping things nice and tacky. The plot is a little gamy with its reliance on adding too many characters and trashy sex scenes (not that I was all that surprised).

I love Rosalba Neri (Amuck!) and she is definitely the best thing about this movie (despite some busty competition from some of her co-stars). I really love how her character Helga is willing to sacrifice her friends because she thinks it will protect her. Nice job spoiling your innocence, you dumb stupid idiot. Of course, I would be a fool not to mention the awesome Edmund Purdom (of Rosso Sangue) who makes his Gunther AKA Satan character into a real charmer. There are some other kind of cool actors involved here but none of them get to do much acting. Plus, there’s just too much going to keep track of everybody. How many sped up sword-fights can one man handle? The answer is none but this film has more than that.

While picking on the logic of a film with a setup as thin as Lucifera: Demon Lover is a little too easy, I have to call this one out on a few doozies. First up is one actress complaining about how dark it’s getting outside and how she and her friends should hurry home. Lady, it ain’t even dusk! It continues to look like 2 in the afternoon for the next few scenes and boy is it distracting. The other mistake that I cannot overlook is the cellophane window. There is a scene where someone is standing in a doorway and the windowpanes of the door are covered in cellophane stapled to the frame. I did not realize they had that stuff back in medieval Italy.

What can I say? I hate to be a jerk to Lucifera: Demon Lover but this is one mediocre flick. As usual, I’m trying not to let my love for Italian trash override my ability to judge this sexed up and only slightly bloody junk objectively. If you can’t get enough of Rosalba Neri (and seriously who the hell can?), then check this one out. You’ll be better off with something more fun (and more lucid) like her classic performance in Lady Frankenstein. All the thunderstorms, candelabras, graveyards, and see through negligees can’t save this one but you could definitely find worse ways to waste 80 minutes. Oh and what the hell was with that last line? Paolo Lombardo (who also wrote this ass-terpiece) had no idea how to gracefully end his film and so we get Edmund Purdom spouting some gibberish and smirking at the camera before the “FINE” pops up.

“My wedding dress. It was contaminated.”

The Devil Within Her (1975)

Ex-stripper Lucy Carlesi (played by Joan Collins) has just given birth to a healthy baby boy named Nicholas. The newborn has incredible strength and is prone to violence causing Lucy to believe the child is possessed, possibly by Satan himself. Of course, no one (including her husband, Gino (Ralph Bates)) believes her but what they don’t know is that Hercules, a dwarf (George Claydon) from her strip club days, placed a curse on Lucy’s firstborn child because she wouldn’t return his affections. Despite his best efforts, Dr. Finch (Donald Pleasence) cannot determine what is causing the child to exhibit such horrible behavior. As mysterious “accidents” continue to happen to those taking care of Nicholas, Lucy’s sister-in-law, Sister Albana (Eileen Atkins), believes that the child’s problems are more than just scientific.

Peter Sasdy, director of Hammer entries such as Taste the Blood of Dracula and Hands Of the Ripper, brings this transcendentally trashy Joan Collins vehicle to the screen. Even though The Devil Within Her is a tasteless The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby-inspired romp, the talent behind the cinematography, lighting, and editing are all competent. Veteran film and TV composer, Ron Grainer (The Omega Man), provides the excellently surf/prog/pop score that seems to have been written for an entirely different movie. So that leaves us with plot. Oh doctor! The plot is unbelievably insipid as evidenced by the gratuitous sex scene between Bates and Collins (character development!). The life-draining script crashes and burns so often that even the actors actually look stunned reciting it.

It really shows the dedication of the cast to put up with all this crap. The faith vs. science debate between Dr. Finch and Sister Albana is quite inspired considering the horrible dialogue. As usual, Donald Pleasence can deliver anything with unshakable sincerity. Even Eileen Atkins (Equus, Cold Comfort Farm) is able to lend her incredible talent to this drivel. I recommend putting this entire scene on mute and imagining something inspiring.

It’s hard to get around Ralph Bates’ (Lust for a Vampire) awkward pseudo-Italian accent to tell if he’s actually giving a good performance here. I wanted to see more of Caroline Munro (Maniac) as Lucy’s stripper buddy, Mandy, but there wasn’t much for her character to do. John Steiner (Tenebre, Shock) is also present as the vile Tommy, Lucy’s ex-lover whose bloody nose at the baby’s hands is well deserved.

And then there’s Joan Collins. First of all, one doesn’t merely watch a Joan Collins film, one experiences it! The Devil Within Her is Collins’ last foray into the horror genre and what a shame (that’s not sarcasm)! Her awe inspiring ultra-melodramatics are quite comical during the narration of Lucy’s flashbacks and her expressions of terror steamroll across the screen.

And finally, the most misused and abused actor in the film (besides the uncredited baby playing Nicholas) is George Claydon as Hercules. The exploitative nature of his role is propelled into the stratosphere when (through painful jump-cuts) Hercules takes the place of Nicholas in the crib wearing baby clothes. Other than being an evil little person there’s absolutely nothing to his character at all. And when Hercules cops a feel on Lucy, how does she react? With revulsion!

The Devil Within Her (AKA I Don’t Want to Be Born or even better It’s Growing Inside Her) is an extremely derivative and unintentionally hilarious anti-masterpiece. The sleaze factor is quite high in this movie. There’s attack-baby violence, dejected strippers, and a lecherous curse-spewing dwarf all for your entertainment. I highly recommend this beastly and warped little film but only because of its mega-campy merits. The Devil Within Her is quality entertainment and is painful fun tailor made for anyone with twisted ideas of what constitutes a good time in front of the TV. I love every minute of it.

“I’ve got to find someone like Gino before I bump and grind myself to death.”

The Cursed Medallion (1975)

Young Emily Williams (Nicoletta Elmi) has been acting very odd since her mother burned to death in a freak accident. Her father, art historian Michael Williams (Richard Johnson), believes that she is just grieving in her own way. Things begin to get worse when Michael travels with Emily and her nanny Jill (Ida Galli)to a village to film a TV show about a mysterious painting. This painting has a strange effect on his daughter. She becomes jealous of her father’s new lover, Joanna (played by Joanna Cassidy), and behaves erratically and violently as though possessed by a spirit. What’s left of the Williams family seems doomed by a centuries old curse but Michael isn’t ready to accept defeat and will fight for his daughter’s soul.

I search far and wide for imperfect gems like The Cursed Medallion. Director Massimo Dallamano (What Have You Done to Solange?) shows that he can easily direct modern gothic chillers like this one. With an emphasis on gorgeous cinematography and flawless lighting, the film is almost decadent in its richness. Throw a plot reminiscent of great gothic literature and some picturesque scenery into the mix and we’ve got something special. While far from a perfect film, I was right at home with this Italian rarity.

It’s always a pleasure to see the odd-looking Nicoletta Elmi of Bay of Blood and Profondo Rosso on the screen. Like every great Italian actress she can also push things way, way over the top. Adding some class to the proceedings is Richard Johnson of Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. Another familiar face belongs to Ida Galli (AKA Evelyn Stewart) of The Bloodstained Butterfly and Knife of Ice who plays Jill, the hapless nanny. And I really liked Russian actress Lila Kedrova as the eccentric Contessa Cappelli.

The film is quite schizophrenic with it being both subtle at times and comically obvious at others. Like most Italian horror films, The Cursed Medallion shoots itself in the foot; though only twice. First, there is a totally unconvincing visual effect when a certain character falls off the side of a cliff. Second, the film’s finale (this is not a spoiler, by the way) is kicked in the tits by the phrase “Perché?” (“Why?”) which is splashed across the screen in huge blue letters.

Since the plot involves possession (ghostly not demonic), there are just a few Exorcist-like moments but nothing in the vein of Beyond the Door or any of the other Italian films “inspired” by the William Friedkin film. This is a tragic tale of a family’s inescapable fate with a piece of prophetic art (and a medallion!) at the center of it all and that’s about it. Italian horror fans looking for atmosphere over splatter, will be very happy with The Cursed Medallion. Instead of rotting zombies and arterial spray we get ghostly dream sequences and some wildly overwrought melodrama. Some may call it boring but I call it Heaven.

“Why must destiny be so relentless?”

The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (1975)

It’s 1902, in Ireland, and a group of actresses are invited to stay at the castle of Count Richard Marnack (played by Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). He is especially attracted to Evelyn (Patrizia Webley) because she reminds him of his dead wife. Or maybe she’s missing. Something. Oh yeah, there’s a curse in the Marnack family bloodline where the men go crazy and cut their wives’ heads off. I think that’s what it was. Anyway, it isn’t long before members of the group start turning up with their heads cut off. Ugh, I can’t even summon up the energy to describe this bag of crap.

Man oh man, this is one busted-ass Italian cinematic nightmare. I’ve seen many gialli with weak plots, tepid scripts, awkward actors, painfully over-the-top performances, cheap gore effects, listless direction, bland sets, unimaginative lighting, lame dubbing, and a complete lack of suspense. However, all of these factors rarely occur in the SAME DANG FILM! Alfredo Rizzo, I’m calling you out! The curiously (and severely misleadingly) titled The Bloodsucker Leads The Dance is one dreary movie experience. If you can even get through the longest 89 minutes on Earth, you’ll wonder why you did.

As to why these actors ever showed up to work everyday… Well, it must be some kind of a miracle. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart of The Night Evelyn Came Out of Her Grave and Death Smiled at Murder has certainly been much better in other films. I can’t really blame him for sleepwalking through this one. Krista Nell (Night of the Devils) seems to be the only one having any fun as Cora, the slutty actress. Redhead hottie Femi Benussi (Strip Nude for Your Killer) seems utterly confounded as to the “complex” nature of her role as Sybil, the maid. Shhh, she’s got a secret love for Count Marnack! God help poor Evelyn, played by the beautiful Patrizia Webley in her film debut (ouch).

Comic relief comes from Leo Valeriano as Samuel, stagehand and manager for the actresses. No, wait. I actually have no clue what this duder’s purpose is. Anyway, this sad schmuck is ridiculed by the ladies throughout the film. They refer to him as being “half a man” (?) and never miss an opportunity to remind him that they think of him as a eunuch. As an actor, Valeriano is awful but he does manage to put some of the most bizarre and hilariously inappropriate facial expressions I’ve ever seen into his performance.

The plodding pace of Bloodsucker will destroy your happy thoughts. As for the film’s “finale”, um… no. The big reveal goes off like a wet firework. For those of you brave souls out there who insist on seeing every Italian horror movie ever made and for those that will ignore my warnings about the unfathomable suck that is The Bloodsucker Leads The Dance, here is the only reason to watch this film: sex and nudity. Oh yeah, and there a couple of really pathetic and cheap severed heads. Dang, this may just be the worst giallo ever made. Yeah, don’t watch this… unless you want to.

“The world is a stage but sometimes it isn’t.”