American horror

Night Angel

Night Angel (1990)

The newest model at Siren Magazine just happens to be Lilith (Isa Jank), a man-devouring demon. Despite the fact that the leading men at the magazine office are being killed in horrible ways, a new romance springs up between Siren reporter Craig (Linden Ashby) and jewelry designer (and boss’s daughter) Kirstie (Debra Feuer). Soon, Craig and Kirstie discover that everyone at Siren Magazine has become obsessed with Lilith and are becoming increasingly deranged and violent. The two are approached by Sadie (Helen Martin), an old mystic whose husband was devoured by Lilith many years ago. Sadie vows to destroy the demon before she breaths her final breath. When Kirstie is kidnapped by one of Lilith’s zombie-like followers, it is up to Craig and Sadie to send her back to Hell.

Oh, Night Angel, where have you been all my life? Probably at the video store. This film is one of those forehead-slappers I should have checked out ages ago. Directed by Dominique Othenin-Girard (Halloween 5, After Darkness), this very odd film goes the distance with strangeness, trashiness, as well as some eye-opening gore and special effects sequences. The writing is decent enough despite some thinly conceived characters and wince-inducing dialogue. Camerawork by David Lewis (Night of the Demons) is excellent with some tricky editing (read as: pointless slow motion) from Jerry Brady (also Halloween 5).

The acting isn’t great but it’s serviceable considering the material. Isa Jank gets pretty hot and heavy (well her blatantly obvious body double does anyway) in her role as the evil Lilith. Linden Ashby (of Mortal Kombat fame) is here to play our hero-ish guy, Craig. Debra Feuer is suitable as his love interest, Kirstie (yawn). Ken, the resident nerd, is played by Doug Jones (Hellboy) who grows quite creepy after he is enslaved by Lilith. The wildly prolific cult actress, Karen Black (Trilogy of Terror, The Pyx), turns in an outlandish performance as Rita, editor of Siren Magazine. Then there’s sassy Sadie, played by Helen Martin who’s been in everything from Death Wish to “Good Times” to Repo Man to 50 other thankless bit parts.

What amazes me about Night Angel is just how outrageous it gets. Subtle it is not! Just when I thought things were starting to slow down, the film goes bonkers. There’s a nightmarish bondage orgy-like scene with poor Craig looking awfully disturbed as all kinds of monstrosities are rolled out merely for the sake of some sweaty soft-focus weirdness. There is a gifted (well endowed, that is) young actress named Susie Sparks (of Smothering Tits 1 and 2) who plays a character called “Woman with Faces under Breasts”. Mm-hmm, you get the idea. Don’t listen to all those knuckleheads on IMDB, this one satisfies all your deepest darkest desires of late 80s horror (or early 1990s horror) and then some.

“Oh my gosh, would you look at the rib melons on this babe!”

Office Killer

Office Killer (1997)

Carol Kane plays Dorine Douglas, a proofreader for the struggling magazine, Constant Consumer. One night, while working late to get an article finished on time, Dorine accidentally electrocutes blowhard Gary (David Thornton), one of her co-workers. Instead of calling the police, Dorine takes Gary’s body home, unbeknownst to her crippled and senile mother (played by Alice Drummond).

Now, Dorine is bent on removing all the cruel and dishonest workers from her office. One of the writers, Kim (Molly Ringwald) sees right through Dorine’s mousy exterior but can’t find any proof of foul play. Norah (Jeanne Tripplehorne), a consultant who is responsible for the company’s downsizing, soon learns that her embezzlement may carry a punishment worse than prison once Dorine finds out.

The multi-talented Cindy Sherman directs this very quirky and dark horror comedy. Despite its hokey and often unbelievable plot, the amount of style dedicated to Office Killer is incredible. The many subtle, quiet moments and creepy scenes mix very well with the campy feel of the storyline. The cinematography of Russell Lee Fine is sharp and well realized, often giving the film a documentary feel.

Carol Kane (When a Stranger Calls, Pandemonium) is perfect as the very disturbed Dorine. Kane really cranks up the crazy dial, especially during the scenes in which she talks to the corpses in her basement. Molly Ringwald does a fair job of playing the skeptical and bitchy Kim but comes off as overly whiny and distracting in places. The beautiful Jeanne Tripplehorne also has some trouble with the role of Norah and her performance seems forced. Luckily, Tripplehorne gets it together for the film’s climax and portrays a thoroughly terrified and desperate person.

Although it has its faults, Office Killer is a fun horror flick. Some of the performances are too mechanical and the plot has some stretches of the imagination. But its offbeat style will appeal to those looking for something strange to watch. Surprisingly, there are some gory and brutal moments that add to the pulp novel feel of the film. I can only hope that Cindy Sherman returns to the genre and delivers another pulpy and goopy horror flick.

Haunts

Haunts (1977)

A mad slasher is wreaking havoc in a small town and the investigation is slow-going with alcoholic Sheriff Peterson (Aldo Ray) on the job. The list of suspects keep growing and it seems like every attractive lady is in danger. One of the town’s most eligible bachelorettes, Ingrid (May Britt), only narrowly escapes becoming another victim herself. Things get worse when local bad-boy Frankie (William Gray Espy) takes a break from his shenanigans with the sheriff’s daughter to give Ingrid his unwanted attentions. The already unstable Ingrid begins to crack as more and more of her horrible past comes back to haunt her.

Herb Freed directs Haunts, a bizarre little piece of filmmaking from the wonderful 1970s. More than just a proto-slasher, the film seems influenced by Robert Altman’s Images and Polanski’s Repulsion but with a trashy small town twist. What caught my attention with Haunts is the amazing editing job here. There is excellent use of intercutting between the present day and Ingrid’s memories of her painful past. The score by Pino Donaggio (Dressed to Kill) is very good and helps to give the film a much needed emotional edge. A kitschy and flat synthesizer score would have not been as welcome here.

May Britt is a great looking actress and can physically convey the emotional rollercoaster that her character is going through but her odd delivery of dialogue is really off-putting. Her Swedish accent isn’t so thick that I can’t understand her. No, the problem lies in the emotionless way that she speaks. Even though Britt sounds like a dang robot, she still manages to hold her own in a fairly difficult role. The worst line in the movie is when someone explains that Ingrid’s accent is due to the fact that she was raised in a “European orphanage up the coast”.

The rest of the cast of Haunts keep it together including Aldo Ray as Sheriff Peterson, who is a total drunken mess. Aldo Ray is actually pretty good here, especially when Peterson finds out his daughter has been making whoopee with Frankie, the town screw-up. My favorite actress in the film is Susan Nohr as Nel, the brazen but loveable hussy who falls prey to the scissor-wielding killer. Every scene with her is a treat.

Of course, the wacky scenery-chewer himself, Cameron Mitchell (Blood and Black Lace, Minnesota Clay), is on board and he is as painfully cheesy as usual. Not that anyone could steal Mitchell’s crazy fire but he is just one of many small town wackos in this flick. For instance, William Gray Espy makes an awesome ne’er-do-well and plain old lascivious duder. And there’s always the shy and creepy new guy in town, Bill Spry, played efficiently by Robert Hippard.

Much like his 1981 slasher flick, Graduation Day, director Herb Freed’s Haunts is a near miss, an almost-classic with a lot of potential that never really hits its stride. There are some great ideas but they just aren’t executed all that well. For instance, the movie has two endings with a labored final denouement that will have you begging for mercy. When all is said and done, Haunts is a kooky but sleepy pre-Halloween slasher (with gratuitous goat-milking) that’s worth a look if you happen to stumble across a copy at the flea market.

“Go back to Baltimore, you dumb creep!”

The Driller Killer

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The Driller Killer (1979)

Reno Miller (Abel Ferrara) is a sensitive artist trying to get by in New York City. No one around him, not even his girlfriend Carol (Carolyn Marz), knows that Reno is starting to lose his mind. Armed with a large drill and a portable battery (called a “Porto-Pack”), he heads out onto the seedy streets at night murdering homeless people. Things only get worse (yes, even worse) after his art dealer passes on buying Reno’s latest masterpiece and Carol leaves him for her estranged husband. Now, Reno is mad.

Smear on some white pancake makeup, throw back a fistful of uppers, and most importantly: “play this film loud”! Before directing his cult masterpiece, Ms. 45, director and actor Abel Ferrara made this nihilistic vomit-poem for his beloved New York City. The Driller Killer is a trash cinema classic with a big chip on its shoulder. Thanks to this film’s infamous censorship problems in England (making the Video Nasty list), most viewers are under-whelmed (to say the least) when they catch a glimpse of The Driller Killer.

The major problem with the film is pacing. It runs about 10 minutes too long with the seemingly endless rehearsal footage of Tony Coca Cola and The Roosters (the punk band that moves in next door to Reno). And I actually like the band (for some reason) but it’s just too much. However, the high body count, Reno’s hellish hallucinations, the bristling soundtrack, and the sheer delusional nature of the whole film more than make up for the slow pace.

This disgusting heap of a film fearlessly revels in its excesses with its exploitative footage of New York’s homeless (you guys all signed release forms, right?), a gratuitous lesbian shower scene, and even a pointless animal carcass dissection. But you know what? It couldn’t have happened any other way. Bloody, offensive, overlong, overrated, and sometimes even genuinely funny, I love The Driller Killer as much as it can be loved which is completely and not at all.

“No, no, no, no, this isn’t right. This is nothing! This is shit!”

Wood Chipper Massacre

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Wood Chipper Massacre (1989)

When dad goes on a business trip, he leaves Aunt Tess (Patricia McBride) in charge of his three kids for the weekend. John (Jon McBride), the oldest, is doing some yard work and is using the woodchipper (heh heh heh) to take care of some dead branches. Denise (Denice Edeal), the middle kid, is more concerned with her crush on a boy than anything else. And Tom (Tom Casiello), the youngest, is eagerly awaiting his mail order survival knife.

Much to the three kids’ dismay, Aunt Tess turns out to be a total battleaxe. She tries to get the kids into shape by attacking how their father has raised them since their mother died. John and his siblings put up with her as best they can until Tom accidentally stabs Aunt Tess to death. The three decide to dispose of her body with the woodchipper. Everything is about to return back to normal when Aunt Tess’s deadbeat son, Kim (Kim Bailey) turns up looking for money to pay off his gambling debts.

I think every kid has accidentally stabbed an unpleasant relative to death and then shoved the body into a conveniently-placed woodchipper at least once in their lives. It’s a common “coming of age” moment that everyone can relate to. Well, maybe not but Woodchipper Massacre makes it all look so easy and so dang fun. Jon McBride (Cannibal Campout, Among Us) directs this very 80s shot-on-video horror film. The soundtrack is wildly silly, the gore effects are nearly nonexistent, the acting is strictly after school drama club (even the adults), and the budget is miniscule at best. However, Woodchipper Massacre has got a bizarre charm that is as hard to deny as it is to identify.

I can’t help but love the cast on this one. Denice Edeal and Tom Casiello both missed their calling on “You Can’t Do That On Television”. Edeal makes up for lack of experience on camera by shouting her lines and forcing her every facial expression to the breaking point. Awesome. Tom Casiello is the 80s Everykid (perhaps just a little more geeky) and is easily the one having the most fun on camera. Jon McBride plays eldest brother John pretty well but his mom, Patricia McBride, really steals the show. Aunt Tess is one of those unnerving characters that you just want to strangle the minute they open their mouths.

Woodchipper Massacre is quite entertaining with only a few missteps in the pacing. The film takes a little while to get going but the 80s vibe certainly saves it for me during these (thankfully) short stretches of awkwardness. While essentially free from gore and exploitation (other than the lurid title and bloody cover art), the film is actually funny and charming. The interaction of three “kids”, McBride, Edeal, and Casiello, helps add to the sitcom feel which actually makes the film an even stranger experience. I can’t get over the ballsiness of McBride and company to actually put a heartwarming and decidedly happy ending on this one.

“Call that little tramp and tell her to corrupt somebody else tonight!”

 

Slaughterhouse Rock

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Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of “Indian medicine men”. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

Doomed Discussiethon: Curse of the Headless Horseman

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Curse of the Headless Horseman
Directed by Leonard Kirtman
Released: 1974
Starring Marland Proctor, Claudia Reame, Don Carrara, Lydia Rosenbloom
Running Time: 78 minutes

The Plot:

Mark Callahan (played by Marland Proctor), a young physician, was just informed by his family’s attorney that his uncle died, leaving him a ranch. The stipulation of the will is that Mark has to get the ranch to turn a profit in six months or he loses the rights to the property. So Mark, his hippie friends, and his fiance Brenda (Claudia Reame) head out to the old place to check it out. It turns out that the old ranch is a historical shitpile, complete with gun-toting reenactors. But wait, there’s more! The ranch also comes with a creepy old caretaker and semi-professional doomsayer named Solomon (B.G. Fisher) who tells a creepy (yet totally vague) tale about a headless horseman.

One of the hippies (the fat one with huge (not acting) chops) gets an idea about how Mark can turn the old ranch into a tourist hotspot by having their talentless selves perform for the sad amusement and patronizing entertainment of tourists. No sooner is this super plan put into action that a headless horseman shows up terrorizing and bringing about the deaths of some hippies. Who is this mysterious headless messenger of death? Is he a supernatural being from Hades or does this joker just want to scare the Deadheads off the property for some other reason?

Richard: Since it was my idea to watch this fucking thing, I will start. I first found out about Curse of the Headless Horseman when I got the DVD for a dollar at the Big Top Flea Market. When I got it home, I noticed that I already owned the dang thing in one of my Mill Creek 50 horror movie packs. The whole experience was pretty far out, man. That is hippie talk for when something quasi-ironic happens. The movie sat on my shelf for a couple months, staring at me, challenging my pathetic 21st century masculinity. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, so I suggested to Brad that we watch it together but apart and then talk about it.

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The first thing about Curse is the absolutely atrocious shape the Mill Creek DVD is in. After a few minutes, I threw in my Alpha Video copy hoping to find something a little easier on the eyes. It worked but I felt guilty because I knew that Brad would probably go blind slogging through the Mill Creek one. The second thing about this film is the amazing narration. Before the film even truly starts you can hear some garbled reverb-heavy voice babbling about something. I was instantly intrigued. Once you can understand what the narrator is saying, he still isn’t very helpful with all of his heavy-handed ponderings. We are introduced to Mark his lovely lady Brenda for about two seconds before we end up at a bar where some terrible hippies are dancing to a bad version of “La Bamba”, eating pizza, and fighting over a chick. Wait a second! Since when do hippies fight over anything?

Brad: I thought at first my TV or DVD player was broken with the weird, blurry double image. Luckily this was just a stylish decision by our director to let us know we are in for a groovy time. And as far as the pizza goes, those hippies snatch it up like it was laced with LSD or at least patchouli flavored. When Mark explains about the will and it’s codicil, I thought, “This guy is a doctor AND has a working knowledge of the law? He is pretty together for a guy who hangs out with hippies.” It is as this point Mark invites all the hippies out to the ranch and as we arrive the narrator informs us that Mark is “living in the silence between ticks of a clock.” That’s when I knew we were in for a rollicking good time. My wife, at this point was not yet sold on it.

Richard: You see? That’s why you’re brave. I knew if I sprung this flick on my lady, we’d be headed for divorce, for reals. I can’t believe Mark said codicil instead of the English word condition when explaining to a bunch of illiterate mongrels about his inheritance. I think this is how he dominates their minds with those big words. You know what word I hate? Caveat. It also means condition. Why can’t people just speak American!?! Anyway, early on in the movie, I was bewitched by Mark’s fiance Brenda. She actually said the phrase: “Penny for your thoughts?” Be still my throbbing heart. I think more women in more movies about horseless headmen should only speak in asinine frivolities.

Brad: Oh, the divorce is pending. I chalk it up to the Curse of the Headless Horseman, the film and the actual curse. In Brenda’s first couple of scenes, I too thought she was a cutie. Anyway, can we talk about the rape scene? I thought hippies were all about peace and love, man. What is even worse is two hippie peeping toms are checking out the whole thing while some sub Carly Simon song about Genghis Khan is playing. My wife was forming a sure opinion at this point. And you are totally right about the transfer. Mill Creek spared no expense with the deluxe treatment. My copy looks like a 9th generation VHS dub that was stored in a working fishtank then tied, dangling off the back of the delivery truck, and drug to wherever they assemble these cheap sets that I love. So I apologize if I am at times as murky as the film is.

Richard: Duder, I was afraid to talk about the rape scene because it made me feel conflicted. First of all, we are dealing with some pretty half-assed hippies here. First with the brawling and then with the raping. Free love isn’t something you take, free love is something you have to buy with pot or ren fest admission fee. Secondly, the worst thing about the rape scene is that John The Rapist actually wins the heart of Lydia The Victim. Their entire relationship is built on unwanted advances and normally that works out for everyone involved but not this time. Jeez, I wasn’t going to talk about this now but I think this movie needs a new title. Instead of Curse of the Headless Horseman, it should be called The Ranch Where Innocence Died. I’ll go into more of this later. What did you think of Solomon, the caretaker?

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Brad: Oh Solomon the caretaker. What a multi-faceted character. When the hippies congregated in the auditorium for a little impromptu improv from the characters that thanks to horrible audio I will call Mickey Mouse and ZAP (I never caught their names but that is what is on their shirts) and the fat hippie declares that this is obviously THE plan to save the ranch, that is when Soloman and I became friends. He hates drama. And seeing him closer up while he relates the nonsensical curse which I didn’t understand I took a good look at him. His face is very dirty. I don’t know if it is actual dirt or makeup but that is when it hit me: This is a real life Scooby Doo episode. Hippies, ghosts, rape. It all fits. I figured at some point he would take off his mask and Solomon would be revealed as Old Man Johnson or Chuck Mangione. Before we get any further, what did you make of Lee Byers, wandering minstrel?

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Richard: I liked that Lee Byers played himself because that’s all any man can do, am I right? I was actually trying to follow along with the lyrics of his song but it was a fruitless venture. His song is better than any of the substandard acoustic hippie folk in the rest of the soundtrack. And Solomon’s face isn’t dirty, that’s method acting and he’s a walkin’ talkin’ foreshadowin’ machine. The guy in the “ZAP” shirt is Randy, my favorite character (next to Brenda, of course). He gets hassled a lot in this movie. Randy is the first to have blood thrown on him by the headless horseman. And his reaction is perfect: he gets annoyed and a little whiny. This headless horseman isn’t cutting people’s heads off, he’s just a prankster with a bad sense of humor.

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Speaking of Scooby Doo-esque red herrings, what is up with The Baroness (played by Ultra Violet)? She shows up with a Superman lunchbox and a vaguely European male companion pretending to be a tourist. And then just when you think she may be involved in this horseman conspiracy, she lets out a bloodcurdling scream when Solomon looks in the window, and that’s the last we see of her. Though the director wasted her talents, The Baroness made the most of her screen time. I did like the reenactors who stage those shootouts every day in honor of some vaguely historical event. I was trying to follow that flashback with all the bloody squibs and what the hell the horseman had to do with any of this shit but I don’t think the narrative was very strong. How about that first death though? The chick in the boots gets blood thrown on her, goes bonkers, and runs in front of a speeding RV or something. That was good stuff.

Brad: I am so relieved that you enjoyed Lee Byers awesome music. Expect a Lee Byers Greatest Hits CD come August. I also didn’t understand a word he sang. I like the fact that he put his name on the guitar as I can only imagine how many times Lee Majors ran off with the wrong guitar. Speaking of peripheral characters there are a couple I’d like to mention. One is the girl who says, “I’ll speak to the gods for you. I often speak to the gods for my friends.” I thought whoa, this is going in a new direction. But that’s all we see of her as far as I could tell. A rare missed opportunity for this film. The other is Yo-Yo, the girl who “ZAP” Randy goes to for laundry advice with his blood spattered shirt. She suggests pre-soaking and I wrote that down for my next bloodstained laundry issue.

Speaking of the story of the Curse of the Headless Horseman, I too had no idea what the jibberish was about. The narrator says at the first that 8 men killed the Horseman but then in the flashback the gunslingers break into 2 groups of 4 and have a shootout, killing each other. Not too far from where I live we have a Wild West town and amusement park called Guntown Mountain. I went when I was a kid and while I did see some shootouts, I do not remember if one of them got up and became The Headless Horseman. I can do some checking though. The hippies do not seem to be scared by this nonsensical story, I think all the drugs they were on may have been a contributing factor and Solomon seems a bit annoyed that they are not taking this bloodcurdling tale to heart.

The Baroness’ appearance is where this film raises itself from a cheapo film to a truly surreal cheapo film. One of the hippies goes running through the ranch screaming about rich tourists arriving and The Baroness strolls through with a Superman lunchbox. I know that lunchbox is full of gold. Her offer to buy the place seems totally outlandish but would be a good way for Mark to get out from under his burden of having to run the world’s first Hippie Cowboy Ranch. He declines her offer and only then does Brenda helpfully offer that The Baroness is the richest burlesque queen in the world, worth millions. That would have been good to know a minute ago Brenda since The Baroness looked like just your run of the mill crazy bag lady.

After suffering cruel humiliation and the degradation of his shirt by the hands of The Horseman, Randy actually gets shot while the resident gunslinger reenactor is goofing around. I found it hilarious that this accident is blamed on the spooky story and Solomon, while Solomon blames it on the tomahawk moon. Or the Tamal moon. I never did understand. But it’s about then that a character I called Harmonica shows up. I think his name was John. What are your thoughts on John?

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Richard: I actually wrote in my notes: “Ask yourself this: Where was I when Randy was shot?” When he talks Mark out of reporting the little shooting incident to the cops might have been my favorite scene involving Randy. And did you mean John The Rapist? Because I think he and John The Harmonicist are the same person. I like how he kept a joint in his harmonica case. Then the fucking guy finds a nugget of gold and tries to take the place off of Mark’s hands. Mark is all like, “I don’t even own the place yet, you tie dye wearin’ harmonica blowin’ rapist pile of hippie shit!” And this is what is so annoying about this movie, characters like Yo-Yo and The Baroness get introduced and then cast aside while total fuckwads like John get to move the storyline. Then his poor lady, Lydia The Victim, gets a dose of LSD from the horseman and dies. Well, I think she dies. The movie gets all trippy and then she just sort of falls over. I love this scene by the way.

If you do hook me up with a Best of Lee Byers mixtape, I need you to put the rest of the soundtrack on there for me. The musical score for Curse is so amazing with its rickety organ, ethereal guitar, and freaky old synthesizer bits. These tiny moments of brilliance go great with the color filters and lightning fast editing during the dreamy sequences which themselves are delivered so crassly and awkwardly they are undeniably charming. Just imagine, Brad, we are talking about the same film that features all of this good stuff and a narrator who says: “How innocently he chooses the silence of the moonlight.” Okay, there is all that boring hippie stuff but damn, aren’t you glad I picked this one? Huh huh, aren’t you?

Brad: First of all, above all else, I am very happy that you chose this for our discussiethon. I had always given it a good hard look in the Mill Creek pack, but it’s the kind of film that, without this assignment, I probably wouldn’t have made it through. And that would have been a shame. They get enough right, accidentally I presume, that the good and bad parts mesh very well with the ridiculously trippy vibe.

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I would say that John is the rapist and the harmonica player. Sorry, it’s hard to see. He plays the harmonica for a while and I liked the part when he smokes the joint and his actions suggest he’s trying to hide it. He is not very good with sharing. And Mark should be very suspicious of John’s offer to buy the place. Where is he going to find the cash to buy it? He’s a dirty hippie rapist harmonica player. I don’t see that in the help wanted section of the paper often.

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I had some difficulty following Lydia’s death scene. I didn’t catch where she took the drugs. John falls over and then she dances around for a while. In fact my notes say: “frolicking hippie has a drug dream(?) and is possibly killed” and then a line later I have: “frolicking hippie dead, acid confirmed.” Still the Horseman is not all that menacing at this point.

It’s here that a few of the menfolk hippies decide to ambush the Horseman. Although at first I thought they were talking about ambushing Solomon. Yes it is hard to follow. Anyway, they do ambush the Horseman and it is revealed to be…………….. Do we spoil it, Richard?

Richard: I think that the horseman was mixing LSD in with the fake blood he sprays on people but I can’t confirm this. This is hilarious because Randy doesn’t actually react at all when he gets covered in blood which means he is immune to LSD. Genius. But yeah, let’s spoil this thing. If you’re reading this and you actually want to avoid having the sort of terrible, sort of great ending ruined for you then skip the parts in italics.

After the hippies and reenactor’s capture the horseman, they take off his costume and it’s John The Rapist. Huh? Of course, he’s not the one. It turns out that there is no supernatural cause behind all this shiznit. Mark has been coveting this gold-laden land since he was a kid and has been dressing up like the headless horseman to chase off people which is weird because he fucking brought them there! Confronted with an insurmountable mountain of evidence that he is guilty as hell, Mark goes psycho and explains (again in very Scooby Doo fashion) about how he has been the villainous villain all along. He then steals a gun from Sandy the reenactor and goes on a wild shooting spree. Brenda is totally heartbroken since she just married the guy like minutes before all this shit rises to the surface. All the exposition in this scene is dang riot.

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Brad: I will be honest. I did not suspect Mark. I did not suspect anyone actually. I thought it was the real Headless Horseman. I’d like to back up and talk about the bits that led up to the big reveal. SPOILER: After the hippies discover John is the Horseman, John stabs Solomon and reveals that he found some gold. Then they have another hippie meeting and Zap Randy makes a very convincing argument that John could have only gotten a horse from the hills so he couldn’t be the Horseman. Mark is unimpressed by the gold but does decide that he and Brenda can get married now. And as they do my head spins around and pops off.

It is around this point after the wedding that you can actually see the drug haze start to lift and the hippies start to think something does not make sense. They all start to wonder where Mark was during all the killing and one lady hippie says, “who other than a doctor has access to so much blood?” Mark doesn’t take too kindly to this naturally and who can blame him? There were all kinds of hippies that weren’t around when the murders happened. Mark being the Horseman kind of comes out of nowhere from the story’s point of view. I also thought it was a terrible idea to bring the hippies along if you were trying to hide the gold from everyone. At the end of the film our trusty narrator tells us that this WAS the work of the curse of the Headless Horseman after all and it is only a matter of time before the curse will strike again, again, again, again…. So Mark being greedy for gold that was on his land was the work of the Headless Horseman’s curse? I’d love to hear what you made of that.

Richard: These questions will ring throughout the ages, my friend. You know the damn hippies behind the camera would try to make greed the cause behind this crap and not something supernatural and that pissed me off completely. However, the narrator does try to save the day by saying that the horseman was to blame all along, I do like that. How sad is it that I wanted to believe that he was real? I guess that the fact there was a narrator at all means that there is some omniscient presence watching over everything. A holy spirit of sorts keeping us informed (barely) of what was going on. Maybe that chick was talking to the gods after all.

Okay, spoilers over. I was pretty impressed with Curse of the Headless Horseman. I can’t friggin’ believe that it didn’t shake me with all of its boring scenes. But then again I also cheated and watched a better copy of it than you did. I guess that makes you more of a bad ass. Dang, I had it easy, yo. If only there had been more acid freakouts and more from the awesome supporting characters like The Baroness, Brenda, Yo-Yo, or that half-Native American chick who claims to speak to the gods. And, of course, I wanted more Randy. Any hippie that is immune to a headless horseman attack is essential to any story. And less rape! I wanted there to be less rape. Any final thoughts, Brad?

curseoftheheadlesshorseman_09

Brad: My wife thought it was ridiculous. When it was over I told her it would grow in her mind. We had a very much postponed Christmas party to go to that day and when we got home she said it had indeed grown in her mind. It is not a film you watch, but one that sort of unfolds before you. Divorce averted.

The film takes several missteps, some of which you mentioned like neglecting The Baronesss, Yo-Yo, and Randy in favor of less likable characters like John The Harmonica Rapist. My wife thought she caught some dialogue that implied The Baroness had come back to see where one of the characters were killed and called the ranch “a macabre paradise.” I heard some dialogue but I am not sure. If so it was a wasted chance to get her onscreen again. I also wonder how much of the plot was hard to follow by design and/or my crappy disc. The Headless Horseman bit was an odd choice and at times it seemed shoehorned in. No one ever wonders why The Horseman, who is very much a New Englander in any version I’ve seen or read is haunting a ranch in southern California. I have to say as poor as the film was at times it did have its strange charms and I ultimately liked it. And I would have never finished it if it hadn’t been for the discussiethon. Thank you for asking me to participate, I really enjoyed it.

Richard: Nicely done, heezy. Discussiethon = over! Curse of the Headless Horseman = pwned. Squares should never mix with hippies and vice versa.

The Spirit Of ’76 Moviethon

spirit-of-76

In the summer of 1976, when I was 2 weeks old, men in black cloaks came to take me away. My family was living in Great Falls, Montana when one afternoon someone banged at the front door. My mother answered with me in her arms and asked these mysteriously garbed individuals what they wanted. They told her that they had come for her son. Frightened but headstrong, my mother held me closer and told them to leave immediately. Perhaps it was something in her eyes or her voice that stole their resolve but the men in black cloaks quickly retreated from the yard. Only feeling safe after she had shut and locked the front door, my mother looked at her young son and realized that he was something special.

Now the story keeps changing and I’m probably embellishing it here. When I first heard this tale from my mother, there were men in black cloaks. But recently they have morphed into just one man dressed as a monk who came to take me away. I have no idea if this story is true and my mom is very vague on the details. But that’s what she told me. Whatever really happened that day, it seems to me that it had something to do with horror.

The theme of this moviethon is all things 1976 but there is a twist. The rules are simple: 1) the horror films in question have to have been released sometime in 1976 (not just in theaters at the time) and 2) they have to be titles that I’ve never seen before. So many fantastic things happened in that magical year such as The Omen, Carrie, Werewolf Woman, Plot Of Fear, and Burnt Offerings but I’ve already friggin’ seen them. Oh well, this moviethon is about mining for the unknown in hopes of beholding the wonderful (and terrible) discoveries waiting for me in my birth year.

For further preparation, I looked at newspapers from 1976 on microfilm to see what was playing in theaters that year and I also watched 1976 TV on the blessed Youtube. “The Charo TV Special” was especially entertaining although almost all of the jokes centered on how no one could understand what she was saying. In order to truly envelop myself in half-assed research I picked up the 1976 edition of one of those Remember When booklets at our local Bob Evans (random facts appear below). That’s like receiving a master’s degree for the entire year!

Friday

The usual Friday afternoon post-work stuff is made particularly awful by the wicked humidity. We hit the CVS on 56th street so LeEtta can have wine and then we quickly pick up some dinner (Wendy’s salads are almost healthy). Once dinner is consumed and everything seems to be in order, it is time to begin. The lousy foulness I’ve been experiencing all through the day have melted away now that things are about to start. This horrible hypochondria has been haunting me ever since the werewolf moviethon was almost ruined by a dang head cold.

makojawsofdeath

“Okay, shark-boy, I’m gonna break your fin.”

5:17pm

Mako: The Jaws Of Death

First, a little back story on obtaining this film. I found a VHS copy of The Jaws Of Death on Amazon used for less than a buck. When I got the tape and tried to convert it to DVDR, everything went to shit. My VCR started making this high-pitched whine and the film was playing in a terribly distorted and unwholesome manner on my TV screen. Even though I figured it was a lost cause, I brought the tape to my friend Nafa who is something of an expert at VHS repair. After unspooling and re-spooling the entire tape and running it through an impressive looking tape-cleaning machine, we got it to play again and I managed to get it on DVDR, finally.

After just a few minutes into this flick, I’m already regretting having Nafa go to all the trouble rescuing this piece of shit. Sonny (played by Richard Jaeckel) loves sharks. I mean really, really loves them. He gives them names like Mattilda and Sammy. Unfortunately, he’s totally naïve to the ways of the world (that’s putting it nicely) and puts his trust in a pretentious scumbag like Mr. Whitney.

Down at the world-renowned Rustic Inn, we have the lovely Karen (played by Jennifer Bishop), an underwater dancer, and her sickeningly obese husband Barney (played by someone named Buffy Dee). They soon discover what a total sucker Sonny is and quickly take advantage. These people want to use him and his sharks for some reason or another and it’s all going to end in tears and blood.

Whoa, this movie almost just redeemed itself. Getting to see Sonny’s 1,000 yard stare is pretty priceless. I love how everyone takes turns shitting on this guy when he is clearly deranged. Sonny rescues Karen from some would-be rapists and one of them is Harold “Oddjob” Sakata. After an awkward kiss between Sonny and Karen, I realize that Sonny has probably never kissed a non-shark person before. Uh oh, things are going south as Sonny realizes he shouldn’t have trusted these evil people.

Man oh man, between the endless underwater scenes and all the poorly lit nighttime scenes, this is one murky ass movie. Take the poor quality of the film and match it with the cheapness of the videotape and the end result is more than a little challenging to watch. Thankfully, I can still see Barney in all of his sensual glory. Of course, Mako: The Jaws Of Death has all the tension and drama of a bathtub fart. Oh good, a flashback sequence! This explains everything! I want to go to sleep now. If there was ever a time to nap during a moviethon, it is right now.

As the climax of this ass festival gets closer and closer, a horrible realization has just hit me: I’ve seen this film before. How depressing is that? I go out of my way to avoid films I’ve seen before and this sneaky bitch turns out to be a (happily) repressed memory or some shit. Oh Florida, why do you want to hurt us with your hurricanes? And it’s over. Sonny got his revenge but the angry townsfolk got their comeuppance when he was eaten by his own sharks. I hope that by revealing a big whopper of a spoiler like that encourages everyone to avoid Mako: The Jaws Of Death.

Random 1976 Fact: The “Son of Sam” claims his first victim in July.

Cigar Break

After that Jaws Of Death business, an early cigar break is essential. The father-in-law hooked me up with a fistful of cigars last time I saw him so I’m all set in that department. The weather has changed. A steady breeze has kicked in and the humidity has been lifted making this July evening quite pleasant. I smoke a Bohio cigar and wash it down with some Arizona green tea. Very nice. The cigar isn’t rolled very well and is falling apart in my hands but the flavor holds out so I’m satisfied. Once that’s done, I head back in for another flick.

driveinmassacre

“Do you really wanna talk to that piece of puke?”

7:32pm

Drive-In Massacre

Drive-In Massacre introduces itself with some fake Santana opening credit music. Seeing that the magic of the drive-in has been captured on film forever, I’m already feeling good about this one. The couple getting hot and heavy in their car at the beginning has a problem: the guy is too busy watching the movie while his chick wants to jump his bones. This is the 70s, you friggin’ moron, you’re supposed to get it on. Better hurry before the AIDS comes. That is just so sad and it’s even sadder now that they’ve just been brutally murdered by a psycho killer who is stalking the drive-in. Whoa, that cheap gore sure is sweet and sassy.

The miserable cops, Detectives Mike and Larry, show up to question the owner of the drive-in, Mr. Austin Johnson, who is described as being the “perfect asshole”. Johnson just said “wang-bangers” and I think I’m going to have to strive for perfection myself. We are introduced to Germy, our special buddy, who’s wearing what looks like a Peter Pan hat minus the feather and who has the illustrious job of waving the cars in and picking up trash. Now the soundtrack sounds like three disjointed organ grinders playing at once. So it’s as perfect as Mr. Austin Johnson.

The film slows down for some psychobabble and some dull police procedural stuff but it hasn’t thrown me yet. The cops are a real riot shaking down their chief suspect, the local pervert who utters the line: “I just wanted to beat my meat!” I just saw some boobs; the first of the moviethon. In order to catch the killer stalking the drive-in, one of the detectives dresses up in drag for a goofy stakeout. You’ve got to love a slasher flick where half of the characters are ex-carnies.

Drive-In Massacre slows down AGAIN for a carnival sequence and then some boring crap in a warehouse. Hello Arlene! Why hasn’t she been in the rest of the picture? Oh yes, this is all going to end in tears. The open-endedness of the finale is absolute genius. A little nod to William Castle, I think. This is a marked improvement over Mako: The Jaws Of Death, to say the least.

Random 1976 Fact: Life expectancy is 72.9 years.

deathatlovehouse

“She’s evil and this house is rotten with her memories.”

8:56pm

Death At Love House

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, E.W. Swackhamer and Aaron Spelling AKA The Dream Team! Joel (played by Robert Wagner) and Donna (Kate Jackson) visit the mansion of Lorna Love to help Joel write a book about the dead Hollywood legend. There’s a cat named Nosferatu, a ghostly figure running through a courtyard, and some mention of the Malleus Maleficarum (which LeEtta points out as being totally out of context here). Spooky stuff, let me tells ya. But I’m really just afraid of Joel and Donna’s friend Oscar who always shouts when he speaks.

John Carradine kicks ass as usual which is good since the plot just ain’t doing it for me. Joel’s dad was one of the mysterious Lorna Love’s lovers and… Well, there are some sepia-toned flashbacks. That’s great. Beware the duder in the black goat’s head cloak. His name is Father Eternal Fire and he was a holy man “of sorts”. Was he the one who tried to steal me as a baby?

Things start getting freaky when we meet the nutty Marcella (played by the legendary Joan Blondell) and hey, hang on a minute! That’s the luscious Marianna Hill from Messiah Of Evil as Lorna Love. Score! The scene where one of Lorna’s films comes to life and starts calling to Joel is surprisingly well done and hypnotic. Oh shit, Donna is getting the cold shoulder as Joel becomes more and more obsessed with the dead actress.

Death At Love House is pretty tame and the plot is convoluted as hell but I’m having a good time. The film has a decent full-bodied soundtrack and the climax (despite the cheese) is awesome. Of course, everything has to go up in flames. Whoa, that denouement was abrupt. LeEtta expresses her dissatisfaction with that super quick wrap-up and I am in total agreement. So I guess everything just turned out okay then. That’s just like in real life.

Random 1976 Fact: “Afternoon Delight” by The Starlight Vocal Band is a number one hit.

Saturday

You know, I’m starting to get sick of the whole “something must go wrong every moviethon” bit. We decided to call it quits early last night so that we could get a jump on the films. Ha ha, a jump indeed. We get up bright and early, go to the gas station, fuel up, and the car won’t start. Luckily, a guy there is nice enough to get my 1978 (not ’76) Ford Thunderbird going again with a jumpstart. At AutoZone, we find out that my battery is toast. Luckily, it was still under warranty, so we get a new battery for $2. We immediately get breakfast, hit the grocery store for moviethon supplies, and head back home.

foodofthegods

“My name is Morgan and I play football.”

10:10am

The Food Of The Gods

Bert I. Gordon brings us a flick that I could have sworn that I’d seen before but after only a few moments of this schlocky nonsense, I realize that I’ve seen its 1989 sequel. Morgan (played by Marjoe Gortner of Starcrash) delivers some crummy foreshadowing in his voiceover. To sum things up: nature is sick of mankind’s BS and is making animals grow all big and stuff. The end. Okay, there’s more to this film than that but it’s all logic free cheese.

Attack of the giant rats! Attack of the big rubba bug! Attack of the giant rooster! This is anything but dull, that’s for sure. Oh crap, those giant maggots are really nasty. Ida Lupino is very charming as the perpetually freaked out Mrs. Skinner. Careful lady, they’re using the old good scientist/bad scientist routine on ya. Some of these lame effects are starting to get to me already. Well, look at that, the homely chick named Lorna the actress I had a major crush on from Legend Of Hell House! She fell down a hole? What a dumbass.

Why do giant rats make cat noises? Whatever the reason, these rat attacks prompt my wife to start laughing like a madwoman. I am starting to strongly dislike the treatment of the rats in this movie. They’re shooting them with paintballs, knocking them about in little explosions, and drowning them for the climax. Hmm, that really took the fun out of this one. I rarely get worked up about animal rights but that seemed excessively cruel to me. God, I’m such a whiner. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: A new car costs $4,557.

clownmurders

“I’m sick of his God-damned jokes.”

11:45am

The Clown Murders

Any film that starts with a rousing game of polo has got to be good, right? Ugh, 7 minutes in and I already don’t care. Come on, duder, this has a good ominous soundtrack, give it a chance. I’m talking to myself already. Speaking of animal violence! There’s a gratuitous chicken beheading. Hmm, is that better or worse than the rat torture from Food Of The Gods? Whatever, this film is Canadian, they don’t have the same rules that we do. Fat jokes and headless chickens? Can do.

This strange ass flick is well acted but the plot is ridiculous. Our “heroes” cook up a plot to kidnap the lovely Allison in order to stop some land deal from going through. This is one of those seemingly innocent but idiotic schemes where things invariably go very wrong. It doesn’t help matters much that one of their gang is crazy Charlie who still has a thing for Allison. I think my initial allergic reaction to The Clown Murders may have been too hasty. This is such a bizarre little thriller with a knack for building tension. After the POV stalking kicks in, I feel more at home.

This Rosie guy is a complete piece of shit. LeEtta would like him to be the first one to die. His name is Rosie. You know what? There is some creepy business buried in this movie. There’s a killer stalking these folks but that’s not central to the plot. Or is it? I’m certainly surprised by all of this. Adventurous viewers, this batshit flick is waiting for you. Then it just goes on this total exploitation bender. Okay, that’s John Candy rape.

Oh, this would have been perfect for Doomed WTFiethon. I’m not sure about this film. It’s gone from horror to exploitation but I… I’m speechless. It’s the weirdest one so far. Either way, this is equal parts boring, entertaining, and painful to watch. Talk about your roller coaster shifts in tone. This beast is unclassifiable.

Random 1976 Fact: The Pittsburgh Steelers are the Pro Football champions.

Short Break

Nafa calls to say that he will be joining the moviethon festivities in a little while. He informs me that people are crashing their makeshift planes into a nearby lake. That sounds reasonable but way less entertaining than this hot movie action. LeEtta makes some guacamole dip which we devour and then it’s back to the flicks.

creaturefromblacklake

“All right, big creature, here we come.”

1:42pm

Creature From Black Lake

This soundtrack is very, very special. Could this film like actually be good? My expectations for a Bigfoot movie are rock bottom, so this flick’s got a fighting chance. Our two main goofballs, two old college students named Reeves and Pahoo, are traveling to the swamps of Louisiana to find Bigfoot. Is Pahoo slang for something? ‘Cause it sounds awfully dirty. Pahoo is obsessed with hamburgers and French fries. And just like me, he’s all fired up about Cajun women!

This flick is done surprisingly well and well acted even. Legendary lazy-eyed Jack Elam plays Joe, the crazy old freak who had a negative experience with the creature (it ate his friend). So, I guess that explains why he has a doll in a noose in his shack. Them there Bigfoot creatures do that to a man. Holy crap, that is one hot waitress there. Pahoo and Reeves are going to gather evidence with the height of 1976 technology: a tape recorder.

Orville is a good old boy with a story to tell (strictly off the record). We meet his pappy who is played by the incredible Dub Taylor. Don’t even mention the creature around this guy. Whoa, Pahoo just flipped out. Now Reeves and Pahoo are picking up chicks. Two bad one of the girls is the daughter of the sheriff. That might be problematic. Jeez, these guys are crappy anthropologists. Maybe they can tell me what hole the company that released this shitty pan and scan DVD are hiding in.

This movie is entertaining as hell… sometimes. There’s lots of comic relief. Guys, come on, stop arguing! We have got to stick together! Well, the creature isn’t all that impressive but at least they keep it hidden pretty well. Wow, what an awful ending. So that’s it. Really? To answer that question, we are tortured with some wimpy ending song with pitiful lyrics that I’ve already forgotten.

Random 1976 Fact: Nelson Rockefeller is the Vice President of the United States.

Almost Nap

I decide to take one of my world famous power naps. I get about 10 minutes into it when LeEtta knocks on the door and tells me that Nafa has already arrived. So, I don’t get my nap or the fantastic disorientation that comes afterwards. Boo hoo! Nafa brings me an awesome bicentennial flag which I immediately hang up to inspire us. Thanks to that flag, 1976 is so much closer now.

embryo

“I don’t want to kill! I don’t want to kill! I just want to live!”

3:38pm

Embryo

Uh oh, this one opens with a very important message that sends chills up my… Well, not my spine, that’s for sure. Ladies and gentleman, Rock Hudson. Sadly, Doris Day will not be joining us for this bleak and muddled little movie. Hudson plays Paul, a doctor who seems to have lost his way since the death of his wife. So one dark and stormy night, he runs over a pregnant Doberman and gets inspired to try and save the unborn puppies with science. Maybe that constant boom mike dipping into the shot can help.

Things fall apart when Dr. Paul calls his son in the middle of the night and asks for a million cc’s of dog plasma. DOG. PLASMA. His son Gordon is more than happy to oblige. He and his pregnant wife Helen (who was the mom on “Alf”) show up to see a puppy fetus in a big tank and they aren’t fazed at all. I guess when you’re drowning in pseudoscience, everything just seems normal. Paul manages to do a bunch of stuff to so that the puppy fetus is full grown in a week. My God, he’s created a super pooch!

So what do you think our newly mad scientist will do next? Get a human fetus and try it again. This is such a sad little film. He’s smoking in the same room where the baby is developing in the tank. That can’t be good. Okay doctor, we are no longer listening to your gibberish. This movie is dragging. The entire suspense at this point is the horror and revulsion we’re supposed to be feeling at this unnatural birthing. Gee, I wonder why this wasn’t a huge hit.

Now it’s the Helen Keller story as Paul teaches his instant woman (played by the lovely Barbara Carrera) to speak. He names her Victoria and it isn’t long before we know something ain’t right. She tends to hide behind doors with sharp scissors when someone frightens her. Poor Diane Ladd (yeah, she’s in this too). Her character, Martha, is the nails on the chalkboard in this flick. Between Victoria’s wide-eyed disconnectedness and Martha’s smarty pants cattiness, we’re really in a pickle here.

Roddy McDowall is in fine form here (read as: he gets to look incredulous and shout a lot). NO! We’re back in the poorly lit laboratory again. Half of this movie is hard to see and this busted ass DVD doesn’t help either. Can we please just go back to the dog plasma? No we can’t because Victoria needs human fetus extract because Dr. Paul fucked up the growth acceleration procedure because… I think this movie will defeat us.

I love the synthesizer in the soundtrack and there are some eerie moments but damn, this shit will just not end. Victoria starts aging really quickly and her list of victims grows because she just can’t get enough fetus juice. The ending finally comes with a car chase and the rest is just painfully hilarious and overblown melodrama. Nafa, LeEtta, and I are totally confounded. It ends and we’re kind of ruined but the bad movie adrenaline is pumping. Nothing to do but go to Taco Bell.

Random 1976 Fact: Bacon is $1.05 per pound.

Dinner

It’s bright out and very hot. The clouds in the sky aren’t substantial enough to give us any relief from the sun. Nafa and I head out to Athenos to get LeEtta a veggie platter. Like a dumbass, I forget the spanakopita. We park in the Taco Bell parking lot and walk next door to CVS. Nafa grabs some Powerade and I get a 20oz Sunkist (the caffeinated orange soda). After getting stuck in line behind a scattered and bizarrely behaving Spanish family, we walk back to Taco Bell.

Despite experiences from previous moviethons where fast food has done me wrong, I order way too much food for myself and get a big Mountain Dew. Nafa and I jump in the car and head back home. On the way down 56th Street, we pass the legendary Morrisound Studios where death metal bands such as Deicide and Malevolent Creation have recorded their albums. Nafa and I decide that our very un-death metal band should record there as well. Back at the apartment, we find that Shelly has arrived. She and LeEtta are on the patio smoking while Nafa and I dig in. Once LeEtta has eaten and Shelly has ordered her Chinese food, we move on to the next movie.

nakedmassacre

“Who dares come between an Irishman and his drink?”

6:33pm

Naked Massacre

This movie is political because it takes place in Belfast. We see some hot Irish nurses and I begin to suspect that we’re in for a trashy ride. This disgruntled Vietnam vet is going to make some trouble. There’s lots of dialogue about nothing in particular and jump cuts galore. The most priceless scene in the history of film: the bad guy (does he have a name?) paying an old hooker to dance naked while he plays “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica. Okay, she isn’t really dancing so much as spasmodically jerking to the music while her big saggy everything shimmies to and fro.

Things are starting to look very grim for the four of us viewers as this trashy piece of trash finally reveals itself. So this guy kidnaps a bunch of nurses living together and starts raping and killing them. Even worse, he tells them bad jokes. Was Richard Speck really this “charming”? This is some seriously horrible shit. I’d had a just a tiny taste of exploitation with The Clown Murders, this is the real rapetastic deal.

We are all heckling Naked Massacre to keep from screaming. Talk about a totally wrong selection for a moviethon but that’s what happens when you pick a bunch of unseen titles. This is just unpleasant as hell and we’re all mortified and pretty embarrassed. I will say this in the movie’s defense: if I was watching this alone, I probably wouldn’t feel so totally miserable right now. But honestly, this movie just sucks. The end.

Random 1976 Fact: Reese Witherspoon is born on March 22nd.

Cigar Break

We are more than happy to go outside after that. I light up my H. Uppman cigar which is really, really good. It’s got a ton of flavor and it goes very well with Sunkist orange soda. Shelly joins me in the smoking with her cloves while Nafa just hangs out. The summer sun is finally going down and it is much cooler outside. Thank God. I apologize profusely about the Naked Massacre incident but nobody is too upset about it. The “Oh Susanna” scene was almost worth the pain of the rest of the film. It was shitty but not gloriously shitty like Embryo. After the break is over, Nafa takes his leave but Shelly hangs on for more flicks.

landoftheminotaur

“There’s nothing wrong with my capacity!”

9:04pm

Land Of The Minotaur

Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing go to Greece. Flame on, minotaur, flame on! We are treated to a ceremony featuring some retarded KKK-like duders in multi-colored robes. This breathy and weird Brian Eno soundtrack is seriously friggin’ awesome. Then a trio of hippies show up. They disappear and Father Roche (Pleasence) goes looking for them. He calls up Milo, a detective friend from Boston, who looks like Father Ted. Feck!

The locations for this flick are beautiful and there’s plenty of atmosphere to spare. “You’re out of line, Tom!” So Peter Cushing is Carpathian? That’s nice. Of course he’s the ringleader of this busted ass minotaur cult that needs human sacrifices for some reason. He’s the one who is responsible for all the suspicious glances in the village too. Damn, that Laurie chick (played by Luan Peters of The Flesh And Blood Show) is so crazy hot. She’s in peril, people. We need to keep a better eye on her. Mm-hmm.

I refuse to believe you, sensible priest! This movie is really strange and- Ha! I knew it! There are men in black cloaks! Finally, they are here. My mom was right. They came from Greece to get me. So much freakin’ oddness going on here. I want to say that this movie is boring but it is just so awesome. And explosive! So the only minotaur in the movie is a statue? That is rather lame but yet I can’t wait to watch this one again. I think we’re finally out of the rut. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: The Supreme Court votes to reinstate the death penalty.

houseofmortalsin

“None of us is without sin, be sure of that.”

10:32pm

The House Of Mortal Sin

Oh Jenny (played by Susan Penhaligon), you could so much better. Man, this chick is whipped by her scumbag boyfriend. Enter one seriously creepy priest who happens to be one twisted and murderous motherfucker. Father Xavier Meldrum is his name and he kills the boyfriend in a very brutal manner. Father Meldrum isn’t alone in his lunacy. Miss Brabazon is helping the priest keep it real. Brabazon is played by the incredibly creepy Sheila Keith from Frightmare.

The priest secretly tape records people’s confessions, is stalking Jenny, and is killing all the men close to her. Now he’s killing to cover up his other killings. That isn’t very holy behavior, dude. This might be director Pete Walker’s finest hour. We’ve got some great kill scenes, cool cinematography, and priestly temptations. I think the director may have been taking notes from the Giallos for this one. The cyanide sacrament! I saw that one comin’ a mile away.

Unbeknownst to Father Xavier, Mrs. Brabazon is going behind his back and torturing his poor decrepit mother. His mother, mute from a stroke, tries to warn people. The subplot with Father Bernard and his love affair with Jenny’s sister comes to a horrible end as well. Wow, this movie is outrageously cruel, malevolent, and dark. The House Of Mortal Sin accomplishes what many strive but fail to be. I’m looking at you, Naked Massacre!

Random 1976 Fact: “Happy Days” is the number one TV show.

Very Short Break

Shelly is leaving and LeEtta is getting ready for bed. That leaves little old me to fend for myself. Hey, how about if I eat a taco? Buying too much food at Taco Bell earlier was a blessing in disguise. I put sour cream and hot sauce on this taco. I eat this taco. I put another movie in the DVD player. Things are going to be okay.

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“The world is crazy.”

12:23am

Who Can Kill A Child?

Things are not going to be okay. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The very real and very horrifying news footage at the beginning of this film lets me know in an extremely unsubtle way that the fun is over. My God, this introduction is 8 minutes long! The world is chaotic and filled with hate. You will be destroyed exquisitely.

Our biologist buddy, Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn, arrive in a small village in Spain for a vacation. They head out alone to an island nearby where there seems to be no adults anywhere. The children are oddly quiet and very suspicious. The beautiful scenery has given way to an undeniable eeriness. Things are so very wrong on this picturesque island and the children are so ominous, I would have bugged out already.

Who Can Kill A Child? is one of the most frightening and claustrophobic films I’ve seen in a while. The tension just keeps growing. Those kids are gonna be so disappointed. There’s no candy in that old man they’ve strung up and are now beating like a piñata. Tom is trying to protect Evelyn from the things he’s seen. Fuck it, man, these kids is evil. This is like Village Of The Damned on meth.

They find one living adult who relates the chilling story of when the children woke up one night and starting killing all the adults. When Tom finally lashes out against their attackers, it isn’t cathartic like in a regular horror movie. There is no relief. This is a bold and challenging film from beginning to end that shows you inconceivable horrors awaiting our protagonists around every corner. And it only gets worse at the end. Amazing.

Random 1976 Fact: Stephen Wozniak and Steven Jobs found Apple Computers.

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“Death is a place where no one’s ever happy.”

2:21am

A Whisper in the Dark

I need you right now gothic Italian horror movie. My God, this movie is pretty already. A fog enshrouded mansion? Thank you! We are introduced to a typical Italian family. Normal except for their son, Martino, who insists that his invisible friend Luca is real. Whoa, Martino is one freaky and angry little kid. Well, with horrid sisters like his, I’d be freaky and angry too. Mom of the feathered hair is clueless and dad is John Phillip Law of Diabolik (but is also clueless). Their marriage is on the rocks and their son going nuts is really quite bothersome.

That was strange. Martino describes a dream that sounds like a scene out of Who Can Kill A Child? A self-referential moviethon? It’s hard to focus when this kid is so dang hypnotic. The score by Pino Donaggio is very haunting and adds to the dreamy atmosphere. I know something terrible is going to happen. The family is starting to fall apart and things are becoming more and more surreal. Ha ha! The sisters don’t get to go to the party!

Some comic moments come out of nowhere. I realize that I can no longer be trusted. My notes are getting more and more erratic and it is clear to me that only folks really, really into Italian horror will enjoy this. No, even they won’t like this one. A Whisper In The Dark is visually stunning but is there any substance? The spell of the mysterious specter of Luca is taking over. Joseph Cotten (of Mario Bava’s Baron Blood) is here as the professor whose come to study Martino’s condition. How could a duder this unsettling ever make it as a child psychologist?

The party sequence is so outlandish and beautiful that I have ceased to wonder what happened to the plot. Drinking vodka and smoking in the bath? Jeez professor, when are you going to fix that dang kid’s crazy brain? Oops, he’s dead! I have a funny feeling about this movie but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I love the POV camera angles letting you know that someone is always watching. Leave mom alone, she’s goth. No wonder the reviews for this film were so bad. That ending wasn’t really an ending at all. Mom and dad have screwed and all is right with the world.

Random 1976 Fact: Sonny and Cher resume their TV show, despite their real-life divorce.

Trouble

It’s 4:15am and I just put in the last film of the Moviethon: Mansion Of The Doomed. I’m about 5 minutes into it when I realize that I can’t even look at the screen, my eyes and head hurt so bad. This isn’t fun anymore. I stop the movie and write down this gibberish: “I can barely moves. My eyes are distant shores. Nobody feels this way while my cat coos in his sleep. Sorry almost made it.” I am now going to haul my ass off to bed.

Many Hours Later…

I wake up around 10:00am Sunday morning and I really need to get out of the house. I’m pretty depressed when I wake up. I realize that I have one movie to go and that I should have been able to get through all ten movies yesterday. But then LeEtta reminds me that I should just start giving myself a schedule for these dang things. I feel run down but alive as the wife and I run to breakfast and go catch Hellboy 2: The Golden Army at the theatre. How un-moviethon and 1976-inappropriate is that? Oh well, we get back home and I return to the final film.

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“No! I’m a scientist! No more nightmares.”

3:37pm

Mansion Of The Doomed

The movie opens with some stock footage of eye surgeries that are just plain old nasty to behold. Something tells me that we’re gonna be violating some eyes very soon. Oh great, another mad scientist. I hope this one doesn’t have to send out for his dog plasma. Richard Basehart plays Dr. Chaney who has to conduct illegal and experimental eye surgery on his daughter Nancy. He feels just a tad guilty for breaking her eyes in a car accident.

A very young Lance Henriksen (from Pumpkinhead and a million other awesome things) is on board as Nancy’s fiancé. Dr. Chaney drugs the guy, steals his eyes, and then locks him up in a cage (with electrified bars!) located in the filthy basement of his mansion (of the doomed). When the eye transplant doesn’t take, the very evil doctor starts kidnapping more and more people. God, this movie is great. It’s claustrophobic and perfectly grungy in almost every way.

I sure hope Lucio Fulci got to see this one with all the eye violence and gaping blood-filled eye sockets we get to see. I really don’t like Nancy at all. Waa, I’m blind so my life is over, waa! Well, at least she’s better than the doctor’s washed out assistant, Kathy, who assists the evil bastard in all of his bastardliness. Mad scientists should never have children or wives or friends or colleagues. They’re a goddamned liability. Character actor Vic Tayback is totally underused as the detective trying to find out what’s up with all these empty eyeholes.

Seriously, duders, this movie is messed up. Instead of Eyes Without A Face, this is Face Without Some Eyes. This is just one of the most satisfying horror experiences I’ve seen in a while. Why is Mansion Of The Doomed so friggin’ obscure? Could be that crappy soundtrack. I am consumed by the evil badness of these people keeping their eyeless victims alive in the basement until they starve to death or kill each other. Things go just as bad as they should and everything falls into place just as horribly as it should. It’s all about the eyes.

Random 1976 Fact: Tawny Godin of Saratoga Springs, NY becomes the next Miss America.

The End

This will forever be known as the moviethon that made John Candy cry or at the very least, the cruelest of all moviethons. Sure, I got burned a couple of times but by watching 13 unseen films (with Mako being the sneaky exception) but that’s just part of the adventure. The most startling aspect was their brutality. There were more than a few eye-opening scenes as well as entire films that were just painful to watch with their unrelenting torture of their characters. What can you do with a moviethon with a mean streak a mile wide?

So, have I beaten 1976, the year of my birth? I have to say no. There are too many horror titles released that year that remain out of print and will have to be acquired for a sequel. And once again, I’ve learned that poor scheduling, evil junk food, and OD’ing on caffeine can screw up the whole scene. With Marjoe Gortner as my witness, I will conquer my inadequacies as a moviethoner and become the man that I was always meant to be. I will not let the men in black cloaks win. And mother, I promise, you did not save your son’s life for nothing.

Dark August

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Dark August (1976)

After accidentally running over a young girl, artist Sal Devito (J.J. Barry) is haunted by three things: visions of the tragic incident, a strange figure lurking in the woods, and by Old Man McDermitt , the girl’s grandfather. As Sal’s mind is slowly coming unglued, his girlfriend Jackie (Carolyne Barry) tries her best to stand by her man. Jackie’s friend recommends that Sal seek spiritual guidance from Adrianna (Kim Hunter), a witch who specializes in white magic. Adrianna discovers that someone has placed a curse on Sal which summoned a demon to torment him.

Director Martin Goldman takes a pretty big chance with his take on what a horror film should be. Without an effects budget or a high body count (this definitely ain’t no slasher film), he instead focuses on psychology, the performances of his actors, and the supernatural. But you’ll have to use your imagination here as almost nothing otherworldly is ever shown in Dark August to indicate that what’s happening is anywhere but in the minds of the characters. The score by William S. Fisher is a jazzy synth mishmash with some wacko drums and piano (so of course, I dig it). The workmanlike cinematography by Richard E. Brooks has a few surprises stashed in the film in the form of some gorgeously composed shots.

Unfortunately, the entire film hinges on Sal, a friggin’ unlikeable bastard. J.J. Barry (who co-wrote the film with Goldman and Carolyne Barry) turns in a great performance but his character is a selfish and smug douchebag. The only thing I liked about Sal’s character is that it doesn’t take him long to buy into the supernatural world around him. If this movie had taken an extra ten minutes he moronically vacillated between faith and science, I would have given up. Other members of the cast do a fine job but the script has them caught in a mire of banal melodrama. Dr. Zira herself, Kim Hunter, is great and she gets to spout some pretty crazy incantations during a seance which goes horribly awry.

Despite its “Me Generation” whining, ponderous pacing, and actors’ workshop vibe, I have to admit that there is something special about Dark August. On the surface it feels like Savage Weekend but without the trashiness or the chainsaw. It does have a very well staged and surprising moment of violence that I did not see coming. Another cool scenes is when we first see the dark figure that is always watching Sal, it is chilling. Sal tries to catch this presence by following it deeper and deeper into the woods and his demon stays just out of reach and is always seen in a blurry haze.

Also in the film’s favor: I watched Dark August after I burned my beat up Lightning Video tape to DVD-R. In my experience, this always lends a claustrophobic, anything-can-happen vibe to old rare films like this one. I highly doubt that this fairly obscure film will get the special treatment if it ever does make it to DVD. It’s a shame because even though Goldman’s film has some major strikes against it, I was left with a creepy feeling when it was over and a few things to think about. I can’t recommend Dark August too much because I don’t think horror film fans should go out of their way to find it. However, if this flick turns up on some 50 movie pack someday, patient folks should give it a spin.

Bad Girls from Mars

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Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.

Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.

Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.

Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.

SPOILERS (and some trivia)

According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.

“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”