I’m really stepping out of my comfort zone with this one, folks. First of all: a non-horror moviethon? What the-? And second: a comedy moviethon? For reals? Are you serial? Never fear, dear friends, for Stephen Chow will save us all. A fellow cult movie addict at work got me hooked on the greatest Hong Kong comedic actor turned director of all time a few years ago. He leant me his Chinese DVD of Shaolin Soccer and I have been a huge fan of Mr. Chow ever since.

One day while LeEtta and I were talking about potential ideas for moviethons with our friend Shelly at Tokyo (the sushi restaurant on Fowler and 56th street), it hit me like a ton of bricks… The Chowdown! I have managed to scrounge up many, many of Chow’s comedies. From this collection, I have picked my favorites, a few decent clunkers, and even one title that I’d never seen before to put this 17 title moviethon together.

I expect that there will be outrageous laughter caused by unthinkably funny sight gags coming at us a mile a minute. There will also be bizarre music sequences, wave after wave of politically incorrect slams, vehement disses, and (most importantly) brutally cruel slapstick. And oh yes, there will be cultural references that will totally baffle us western viewers. The most off-the-wall moviethon I’ve had so far (and probably will ever have) begins now.

Note: Due to the confusing subtitles and my sources’ varying opinions on characters’ names (and even the spelling of certain actors’ names), there are probably many mistakes below. If you notice any major issues, especially in regards to actors’ names or if you can possibly shed some light on film and cultural references I missed, please let me know.

Friday

We go to CVS so LeEtta can pick up some wine and I can acquire the always essential Mountain Dew (two different flavors!). I walk over to Cigar Castle and get a sweet selection to smoke over the next three days. Shelly will be joining us later so dinner will be dealt with later tonight. We get back home and get started immediately. This is the Chowdown and we are all going to be okay. I hope.

“Damn you, cripple. Your son will have no ass.”

5:09pm

Love On Delivery

I decided to kick things off with a bang with Stephen Chow’s first co-directing gig. The unbridled ridiculousness of this film is an excellent place to start. Lily (played by Christy Chung) is our sassy girl. She’s just looking for a hero. The Terminator parody at the beginning is genius. Stephen Chow plays Ho Kahm-An, a really nice guy but an idiot and a coward. He works as the delivery boy for a café run by a bunch of goons (one of them played by the hilarious Yut Fei Wong).

Oh, Lily you’re too cruel. She kisses our hapless delivery guy as a joke to throw off the unwanted advances of creep-meister Master Blackbear (Joe Cheng). The joke’s on her though. Kahm-An is so cowardly he ducks from a punch meant for him that lands squarely on the jaw of Lily and sends her flying. Chow is really in top form in this flick. He’s able to play an abominable loser very convincingly.

Kahm-An finds a roadside stand called Coward’s Saviour run by Ng Man Tat. To cure his broken heart, Tat dresses Kahm-An up like a damn idiot and makes him sing mirthlessly along to “Funky Town”. This man, who calls himself “Devil’s Killer”, proposes teaching him the crappiest Kung-Fu on planet Earth.

When Kahm-An can no longer afford his kung-fu lessons, his master tells him to roll down a giant flight of stone stairs (as the final stage of his training). The chemistry between Chow and Tat is priceless. Uh oh Lily, Master Blackbear just won’t take no for an answer. When things get rough, a mysterious kung-fu fighter in a Garfield mask shows up to teach Blackbear a lesson. What’s his secret technique? Getting up after having the tar beaten out of him again and again. The first fight scene is so out of control that I’m not even sure how to describe it.

Gee, if I had Lily’s horrible friends, I think I’d leave town forever. When Kahm-An Ho tries to reveal he is the man behind the Garfield mask, every creep in town shows up wearing masks. Ouch, the first bout of Japan-hate has just been dealt out. Lily’s new psycho boyfriend, Shui-Lau (played by Ben Lam), has returned from Japan and claims that he is the one who rescued Lily. This psycho wants to take over the kung-fu centre and make it a karate only academy. We are then treated to a totally over the top beat-down sequence as Lau takes over.

Queue the horrible musical number while Lily and Lau romance each other. It all culminates with a battle between Kahm-An and Lau. Let the psych-out begin! And thus begins one of the greatest fight scenes of all time. Kahm-An’s “traditional” Chinese boxing goes against Lau’s karate and our reality is destroyed by the destructive force of comedy genius.

Cigar Break

Shelly has her Tsingtao beer, I have Mountain Dew and a 601 cigar, while LeEtta has Bunraddy mead from our trip to Epcot. Somehow, I think Shelly may be capturing the spirit better than the rest of us. The weather is perfect. The air is very cool with a light breeze. The night sky is very clear with just a few clouds here and there. It carries no menace like it does during a horror moviethon. It is all very nice and merry. There are no black-gloved killers stalking the streets of our quaint little apartment complex this night.

We order food from Vocelli’s pizza. LeEtta and I order a stromboli for each of us filled with spinach, artichokes, and feta cheese. Shelly orders a salad with meat on it but the idiots forget to include the meat. That is our traditional Chinese food for the evening.

“You are not qualified to mess up here.”

8:28pm

Flirting Scholar

Ah, uncharted territory. This is the only Stephen Chow movie in this moviethon that I’ve never seen before. Stephen is Pak Fu, a master of calligraphy and basting chicken with bar-b-q sauce. His brother is a bad gambler and needs to be bailed out. Oh, these subtitles are going to be a fucking nightmare to read. We are less than five minutes into the picture when a totally crazy calligraphy scene involving his naked brother and a bucket of ink takes place.

His eight wives are mahjong freaks who all hate him. They use a book of his poetry to balance a crooked table leg and cut holes in his artwork to make pretty mahjong pieces. His wives all try to hang themselves at the same time to get attention. Shelly, LeEtta and I take a vote and our general consensus is that he should leave them to die.

And we just broke out into a song about chicken wings. He has to keep his kung-fu skills a secret but you know there’s gonna be a comedy fight scene! The family lives in fear of the Evil Scholar who could return and kill them all. Rock star scholars? What is this? We were hoping Mr. Tranny Nosepicker (played by Kin-Yan Lee) would show up and oh thank the Jesus, he did. You can be sure that we’ll be seeing this creepy bastard many more times in this moviethon.

He finally meets a kind and caring woman. Her name is Chen Heung and she’s the woman of his dreams. Wait, that actress looks familiar. It’s the dreamy Li Gong (of Hannibal Rising). Of course, she thinks Pak Fu is trash and he ends up working for her (in disguise) as servant number 9527. Enter the four perverted thieves who convince everyone that Pak Fu is a pervert. But then he raps and does a drum solo on some furniture which impresses the mistress of the house.

It turns out that Pak Fu’s poetry is forbidden so he can’t admit to the girl he loves that he’s Tong Pak Fu, the great writer. Hey look, it’s Gabriel Wong again. I don’t care who he’s playing, he’ll always be Turtle to me. Stephen Chow rapping? Did I already mention that? Okay, now I’ve seen it all. He ends up being the teacher of two mentally retarded young men. His idiot brother shows up and pretends to be Tong Pak Fu. Of course Chen Heung falls head over heels for the impostor. Then something happens and words fail me. Words fail us all. I hope this screenshot can explain it.

King Ning shows up and things are going to get complicated. Oh snap, it’s a poetry battle with lyrics from The Sound Of Music. The evil fat guy from The God Of Cookery (Vincent Kok) is here. That poetry is pretty powerful stuff. Fatty is hemorrhaging! The Evil Scholar returns and all hell breaks loose. But first, a commercial message for “Tong’s Killing Pill”… Genius. The fight scenes are awesome. And now it’s time to settle the score with Evil Scholar (who killed his pappy). Yes oh yes, this was a very pleasant surprise. Awesome.

“He is known to be love machine here.”

10:25pm

The Lucky Guy

Aw yeah! Ng Man Tat is back, y’all! Yes! Just so you know, Shelly and I are very enamored with Mr. Tat. Or is that Mr. Ng? Anyway, he’s just friggin’ awesome. There’s lots of folks from The God Of Cookery in this flick. Stephen Chow is Brother Sui, “The Prince of Egg Tarts.” He’s a man-whore and all of the lady customers of their diner are wooed by him.

His name is Fook and he’s a dang moron. And he’s in love. Stephen Chow isn’t really the main focus of this one but the other duders are pretty cool. Fon Fon, plays the little schemer chick with a secret. Tat’s son Nam is a dang weirdo! He’s obsessed with a Japanese girly cartoon character. Chibi Maruko. Fon Fon is taking over his life. The acting isn’t so great but this movie is fun as hell. Our favorite nose-picking tranny makes yet another cameo.

Stephen Chow must woo the horrible landlady named Flirty Si in order to save their little restaurant. And oh, she’s horrible. They are so screwed. Sui meets up with Candy, a girl he humiliated in high school played by the lovely Sammi Cheng. Ah, poor Fook. He can’t talk about himself, only about Brother Sui. The guy is comically pathetic. I love how even when Fook is at his lowest point, his good buddy Sui still charges him cash for his love advice.

Ng Man Tat and Fon Fon play an obscure drinking game played with riddles which is totally lost in the translation. Nam turns into a jerk and decides to exploit Fon Fon for news stories now that he knows she is the runaway daughter of a rich guy. Oh snap! Fook is now evil Fook! Heartbreak (even of the mistaken kind) can do that to Fook. This movie takes about a dozen melodramatic turns but it’s all good (though nearly impossible to write about without sounding like a jackass).

These flashbacks (and especially the flashback song) are really pitiful. Don’t be deceived, young Sui, being the bad guy never gets the girl. Okay, the sappy lovey love love shit is way out of control. Especially when TEDDY BEARS GET MARRIED! Thankfully, we get on with the rest of movie but the tension in the egg tart cook off is almost too much to bear. Will they get the egg tarts cooked before Flirty Si shuts them down? There is a not-so-subtle reference to Chungking Express (one of Sammi Cheng’s most famous roles). Okay, The Lucky Guy is kind of a stinker but God bless the outtakes.

“I will try my best to make your all eyes.”

12:20am

Forbidden City Cop

This is one of my favorites right here (I’m going to say that several more times in this moviethon, by the way). They don’t get much more ridiculous than this. Stephen Chow is Ling Ling Fat, a cop working the beat in the Forbidden City. All of the legendary kung-fu masters are all ugly and stupid. This movie has got some serious attitude right out of the gate.

The James Bond-style credit sequence rules! More delicious kung-fu action. Ling Ling Fat’s crazy inventions fail to impress the emperor. And he’s a gynecologist?!? (The most shameful of medical practices.) Of course, he’s an incompetent doctor where his patients treat themselves. I do believe I just heard a “Beavis and Butthead” reference? The relationship between Ling Ling and his wife (played by the lovely Carina Lau) is awesome. They always take the time to beat the shit out of each other. But it’s actually really sweet.

Some the plot points in this flick are fucking nuts. A fairy falling from the sky? It’s an alien that the medical community wants to dissect. The Gum Sect are the baddies who want to conquer China. They’re all stark raving mad but they’ve got a lot of moxie and some really strange powers. There’s the No-Face guy, the black and white giggling duder, and the crazy old lady (who’s really a man). This is going to give me nightmares.

The emperor is such an idiot. He is begging to be assassinated. There’s some great editing in this one. Nice juxtaposition of images. The whole alien dissection scene receives a bout of riotous laughter out of all three of us. The kung-fu battle to save the emperor turns into fun with magnets. Mr. Wizard would be so proud of Stephen Chow, you know, if he was alive and happened to be watching this scene.

So far it seems that somebody was smoking some dang crack when they wrote this film. For that, I cherish crack. Thank you, crack. Ohhh, nose hairs! Hey look, the nose picking tranny is in the prince’s ugly harem! Now we get Stephen Chow in drag and a dance sequence! He meets the gender-bending hooker from the Gum Kingdom named Gum Tso (Carmen Lee of Wicked City), and his faithfulness for his wife is shaken. Gum Tso is a freak! Everything goes to shit when this dang hooker comes home to dinner.

What have we learned, people? Do not screw with the Forbidden City cop! This film has one my favorite Chow moments of all time. When Brother Fat (played by Kar-Ying Law) gets hit and knocked across the room by the evil No-Face, his wig falls off, and both he and Stephen Chow just crack up on screen for several seconds. The editor intentionally left an outtake in the film. It doesn’t get much better than that, y’all.

Saturday

Throughout the night, I was plagued by hyper slapstick dreams. Something horribly funny was happening but it went by too fast to get much more than an impression of it. We get up late and take our sweet ass time getting the usual breakfast at Einstein Bagels. Then we head back home to try and get the next movie started before noon.

“Damn you, you want dying?”

11:19am

Fist of Fury 1991

Stephen Chow is Lau Ching and boy are his fists furious. While in the big city for the first time, he sees the “God Of Gamblers” (who is also played by Stephen Chow) getting out of a limo. Everyone should make a cameo in a movie they’re already starring in. Lau Ching refuses to use his mighty right fist so he gets into a spitting battle with a small time crook named Smart Ping (played by Kenny Bee). The spit bit gets really, really friggin’ gross and I’m glad I’m not eating anything right now.

Lau Ching loses his temper and hits the guy with his magical fist. With his best Bruce Lee impersonation, he sends the duder flying. After their fight, Smart Ping brings Lau Ching to meet his “sister” who is actually a prostitute. There’s some confusion about her “flute playing” that is pretty dang hilarious and Smart Ping ditches the poor guy.

With vengeance on his mind, Lau Ching tracks down Smart Ping, beats him up, humiliates him and then moves in with him. There’s some really puerile humor in this one and well, it’s funny as hell. These two goofballs run afoul of the local triads. Then they have a chance encounter with hot kung-fu chick Mandy and bad ass duder Wai.

While trying to join a martial arts club, Smart and Lau Ching end up joining a gang run by the ugly Chiu. The two idiots rescue Mandy (played by Sharla Cheung of King of Beggars) and her father (Corey Yuen) from their own gang. Well, rescue might be too strong of a word but either way they get in good with the fam. They both fall for Mandy and each try to woo her.

A Japanese martial arts house challenges Mr. Fok’s school and we have yet another bout of Japanese stereotypes. Chow fights a giant Japanese fighter who kicks the shit out of him. Lots of comic hemorrhaging ensues but Lau Ching refuses to go down. Smart and Lau Ching begin to make Wai (played by Yeung Ming Wan) very jealous so, of course, he beats the crap out of them. The evil Wai even tries drugging and raping Mandy and when caught he manages to pin it on Lau Ching and Smart. The two are then forced to leave Mr. Fok’s.

Lau Ching runs into his buddy, who he came to Hong Kong to stay with in the first place, and he gets talked into “robbing” a bank. The whole thing turns out to be a prank and he ends up courting a homely virgin (who is actually really cute). Making any sense so far? Lau Ching joins up with some old martial arts masters to enter the kung-fu competition against Mr. Fok’s school to win $10 million. The training montage (which nearly kills Lau Ching) is awesome.

As we near the end of the film, I come to the startling conclusion that Fist Of Fury 1991 is goofy and stupid. So it’s a great way to start day 2. The movie loses some of its comic momentum near the end but is still entertaining. Predictably, Lau Ching must fight the evil Wai in the final round. Nice Raging Bull homage, duders. This is a pretty sweet flick with some classic Stephen Chow moments.

“How dare you taking LSD so early in the morning!”

1:19pm

Out of the Dark

This is as close to horror as we’re going to get in this moviethon. Take Ghostbusters, Leon the Professional, thrown in a little Evil Dead, and mash it all together and we get Out of the Dark. Comedy and horror are always great bedfellows and this flick is no exception. Kwan (played by Karen Mok of God of Cookery) is a hottie! Her trashy shiny outfit makes me happy to be alive. This haunted apartment complex is guarded by an army of idiotic and corrupt security guards featuring Yut Fei Wong (AKA “Iron Head” from Shaolin Soccer). There’s eerie music and ghostly activity aplenty.

Chow plays Leon, a ghosthunter who is trying to stop the dangerous supernatural forces at work in the apartment building. I wonder how many Chinese films reference The Highlander? Now Kwan gets dressed up Natalie Portman style to bust Leon out of the nuthouse. The mixed up situations in this are pretty bonkers. Mr. Lo is very clever, using the junkie as a shield against the crazy murderers armed with butcher knives.

Leon’s techniques of reviving the dead are crazy hilarious. By the half hour mark, this film is so dang silly, I can hardly believe my eyes. The guy who had sex with the headless ghost of grandma now has swollen genitals which everyone takes turns kicking and hitting with clubs. Leon agrees to train them to be fearless and uses a nasty tranny (played, as usual by Kin-Yan Lee) for a test of bravery. He then picks up a piece of poop which is carefully censored with pixilation and smears it on a guy’s face. After accidentally blowing his face off with dynamite, Leon is given some fake teeth that make me a little uncomfortable.

After putting ox tears (liquid soap that goes on like eyeliner) on their eyes, they’re able to see ghosts. When Kwan’s boobs inflate and then explode… well, I just don’t know what that’s all about. Yes! We just got another tranny cameo! We should start calling them “Trameos”. My copy of Out of the Dark probably has the worst subtitles I’ve seen in a long time. There’s all kinds of confusing flubs, un-translated dialogue, and hard to read text. But it’s all worth it. Especially when our crew of idiots take to the air and that possessed killer with the chainsaw just won’t stay down. The ending is… well, fucking brilliant.

Power Nap!

I lay down for a little nap and completely konk out. LeEtta wakes me up an hour later and I come to with a start. It was so nice and cool and relaxing when I laid down but now I’m sweating and generally freaking out. Once I regain my composure, I look at the window and am disturbed by the afternoon sun coming through the window. Jesus, you’d think I was in the middle of a horror movie marathon. We hear a knock at the door and it is Shelly returning for another round of Chow flicks. I splash some cold water in my face and we jump back into flicks.

“I’ll fly over and kick you with legs like scissors and kick your brain out.”

4:08pm

Fight Back To School

The first of the series of nutty classics featuring Chow as Star Chow, a dumb police officer who gets punished for his incompetence and is forced to go undercover over and over. This time, he poses as a high school student in order to search for the police commissioner’s stolen gun. The police commissioner (played by Barry Wong) is nicknamed “Scissor Legs” which is explained later. This assignment is especially rough for Star who is especially stupid and risks failing the mission by flunking out of the school. He has to work doubly hard just to pass his classes and keep his cool against the school’s bullies and callous administrators, none of whom can know he’s a cop.

Because Star looks so obviously older than all the other students, everyone thinks he’s retarded. He gets hit in the face repeatedly by flying chalkboard erasers and blown up by the absent-minded chemistry teacher. His only friend is nerdy Turtle Wong (played by Gabriel Wong), a sad little geek who abuses his grandma. Next, he meets Uncle Tat, a fellow officer who was also sent to work on the same case. He’s the school janitor who pretends to have a palsy (so he doesn’t have to work too hard) and chews on a stick to avoiding smoking in front of the students.

Star falls for the lovely Miss Ho (played by Sharla Cheung of Fist of Fury 1991), the only decent (and hot) teacher in the school. Things look grim when Uncle Tat shows him his memorial for his previous 9 partners who all died in the line of duty. Thanks to his combat training, the bullies are no match for Star but it just gets him into more trouble. Damn this bootleg, we can’t read any of his many dunce signs!

When Star gets tutored by Miss Ho, he starts getting smarter and better at surviving school life. But he gets a little too good and accidentally becomes boss of a school gang. Turtle becomes the extortionist of the gang. Thinking that Star is going to get lucky, Uncle Tat gives him a condom. There is a great scene where Star tries to pass the condom off as a piece of chewing gum in order not to offend Miss Ho.

When their cover is nearly blown, Uncle Tat reveals that he knows where the triads are keeping their arms shipment. Of course, it all goes terribly wrong and now Star has to save Uncle Tat from the gang. The shit really hits the fan when the arms dealers show up at the school and take the kids hostage. Star is the only one who can save them but he’s going to need some help from old “Scissor Legs” himself.

Dinner Break

Shelly and I run out to pick up our sushi order from Tokyo. For this Chinese film festival, only sushi will satisfy. Actually, our favorite Chinese food place is a mega pain in the ass to order from so we settle on something totally inappropriate but delicious.

“What a shame to know you.”

7:05pm

Fight Back to School 2

The first sequel is even better than the original film. Now Star Chow must go undercover at a college for some reason. Thank God that Uncle Tat is back as well. Things haven’t changed much for their police careers or their intelligence. They decide to rough up a suspect with the usual comical results. Tat’s got the hots for the female police chief so he volunteers for the most dangerous department they have. Star gets demoted to traffic cop in a great parody of Jackie Chan’s classic Police Story 2.

Turtle is back this time and so is the whole nerdy gang from high school. With traffic cop Star in tow, Tat and his men blow a case tracking some terrorists. His relationship with Miss Ho has entered the next stage where they are living together. When it comes to marriage, Star is as slick as an eel. The possible in-laws are awful with the overbearing mom and the broken dad are just grand.

The chemistry between Tat and Chow is even sharper in this film. Star resigns from the police then decides to go undercover on his own without police funding. In order to afford tuition and pay Turtle and his buds to help him stake out the school, he drains he and Miss Ho’s savings. Then Tat shows up posing as the head of discipline at the college insisting that everyone call him James Bond.

This completely gorgeous bookworm chick named Sandy Lai (played by Athena Chu) falls for Star (whose undercover name is Stephen Chow). He just punched a priest! And he gets crucified in front of the entire student body for it. God, this movie is so great but I can’t remember why the hell they’re undercover in this college. One of the best scenes is in judo class where he does the cha cha and some other funky moves with Sandy. Her boyfriend tries to intimidate Star in the showers but the whole scenes ends up looking laughingly gay.

This whole bit with Turtle and the butch girl is painful to watch. Things get even more complicated when Sandy makes her move on Star. Master of disguise, Star depends on his trusty Bart Simpson mask. More crazy schemes abound as they try to get Star expelled from the school. Now the terrorists show up to take the college kids hostage for some reason. Ng Man Tat dressed up as the Terminator. But it’s up to Sing to save the day. My my, that’s a well lit boiler room.

Cigar Break

I light up a Flor De Nicaragua cigar and crack open a Mountain Dew. Always a winning combination. It’s getting cold outside and I love it. We talk about God knows what for a nice long break and head back in to complete the Fight Back to School trilogy.

“Idiot, everyone knows I hate wearing underwears.”

9:47pm

Fight Back to School 3

I don’t know why but this is my favorite of the Fight Back To School movies. It’s one long Basic Instinct parody. I don’t know why but this flick is fantastic. Let’s call this a guilty pleasure. So yeah, I have no idea why this is Fight Back To School 3 and not just some other movie. The Star Chow character and Miss Ho (Sharla Cheung) is back but that’s about it. Too bad Ng Man Tat couldn’t be here. He probably read the script and passed on the whole project.

Thee self-reflexive nature of the movies is awesome. He recognizes the chemistry teacher from the first movie. This time he is a twin of murder victim Milion Wong and must pose as him to catch a murderer. His new police chief Officer Lai, forces him to go undercover again. This film is possibly even more out of control than the previous two. Now he has his idiot cousin in law to deal with. He must investigate some trashy celebrity named Judy Tong (played by Anita Mui). Miss Ho, still not his wife, is understandably upset because he won’t promise not to sleep with Judy.

This is a testament to how fucking awful and unbelievably popular Basic Instinct was. When even the Chinese are parodying it, something must have gone right (or terribly, terribly wrong). Huh? Some poorly translated subtitles are quite confusing. Making fun of the Japanese again? Oh yeah. Their maid’s name is Toiletpapa (“It’s a Japanese name.”). There are so many gags in this one they almost happen on top of each other.

Anthony Wong plays Tailor, a totally ridiculous jackass who wears a mink on his bald head like a Mohawk. She makes Sing dress up to reenact how she met her husband in high school. I’m not into Chow’s gambling comedies but the poker game in this movie is actually friggin’ awesome. When Judy tries to seduce Miss Ho, things just get sillier. The whole mystery is so dern convoluted, it’s perfect.

This even follows the structure of Basic Instinct. Instead of a car chase we get an elevator chase. The dance sequence with the bananas is genius and is probably my favorite (all too brief) scene in the whole movie. Then there’s the wacky ending which is fifteen kinds of bonkers with a bunch of unnecessary twists.

“You’re too lazy to be a beggar.”

11:22pm

King Of Beggars

More calligraphy kung-fu? God, I do not remember this movie. Chow plays So, a spoiled and frivolous rich kid (who likes it when people talk down to him). When he gets into trouble, he is bailed out once again by his father (played by Ng Man Tat). Because everyone kisses his ass, So wants to marry the first woman who thinks he’s a piece of crap? But to impress the lady of his dreams (who is played by the always reliable Sharla Cheung), he has to be the best at something first.

This is a beautiful movie but fear not the slapstick and the ridiculousness are always right around the corner. Watch Mr. Emperor, watch my magic power! I can turn gold into a chick who can dance crappily for you. So is taking the exams to be the best man in the kingdom but his dad is helping him cheat on the written portion.

That moment at the 29 minute mark where he mugs for the camera after defeating his opponent in kung-fu. CLASSIC! Of course, it doesn’t matter if So cheats because the other side is cheating too. That there comedy kung-fu gets me every time. Especially when Chow does his Bruce Lee screams. So wins the physical portion of the test but his illiteracy is exposed. When he and his father are revealed as cheaters, everything they own is impounded and they become beggars.

Father and son fall on some hard times. Really hard times. He gets injured by the evil Mr. Chau. Dad gets too sick to be and well, it’s just fucking depressing. The scene where he is forced to eat dog food to get his dad out of trouble is just too much. In these dark times, it is time to unite the gang of beggars. So tries to get his kung-fu strength back by fighting dogs (?).

Cunning Ching, a beggar he helped when he was wealthy, comes to teach him to be a proper beggar. Just how evil is evil Chau (played by Norman Chu? He squeezes babies so that he can drink their delicious blood. HE DRINKS BABIES! When his woman is in danger, So rises to the challenge to lead the beggars. He is a master of the beggar style of kung-fu which consists of napping poses and breakdancing.  This one really goes all out with the spectacle and the heroicness (is that a real word?) is very pleasing to my eye. Thanks be to Jesus. Goodnight!

Sunday

Good morning, I am Ricky Lau and this is my lovely wife Lee Lee. For my crimes against the Chinese and humanity in general, I wake up way too early (around 7:45am) with a splitting headache. When LeEtta wakes up we go to this fancy vegan place up the road where we get soy omelets and jasmine tea. It’s called Dunkin Donuts, perhaps you’ve heard of it. We order sausage, egg, and cheese filled things and coffee. Again, we are cursed with beautiful weather.

“I saw a toothpaste. A big toothpaste!”

9:54am

The Sixty Million Dollar Man

Stephen Chow is Sing Lee, a spoiled rich kid who dresses like Rodney Dangerfield and surrounds himself with sexy ladies in bad 90s bathing suits. This is easily the dumbest of Chow’s movies. Toilet humor reaches new lows as he and Ng Man Tat run amok on a college campus giving people laxatives and playing lame pranks (on Kin-Yan Lee who is not a tranny in this movie). So yeah, it’s great. Because Sing is the son of the director of the college, he thinks he can throw some money around and run the place. But the fact is, he’s a moron and nobody likes him.

And here’s one of the odd staples of Chow movies: an ugly girl who Chow doesn’t fall for until she gets a makeover. The faux ugly girl this time around is Chung-Chung (played by Gig Leung). After getting horrified and fainting in anatomy class due to the antics of Chung-Chung’s father, Dr. Chang (played by Elvis Tsui), Sing and Tat want to get back at the professor. They sneak into Dr. Chang’s lab and discover he’s a crazy Dr. Frankenstein who has animated body parts running around the place.

Sing’s mother spoil him rotten and his father (played by Yut Fei Wong) is batshit crazy. This film is almost more pointlessly cruel humor than I can handle. There is a gratuitous Pulp Fiction dance number when Sing takes the lovely Bonnie (played by Paulyn Sun) out on the town. They producers of the film even use the same song from the twist contest. Next, there is a parody of the overdose scene and Bonnie ends up stabbing Sing with a giant needle in the groin to revive him. Hilarity ensues.

Did I mention that this plot is totally all over the place? Well, it’s about to get even more bonkers. Bonnie’s husband, a Japanese gangster named Fumito (played by Joe Cheng) is totally awesome and psychotic. Sing witnesses Fumito executing someone and now he’s in grave danger. It is then revealed that Mr. Lee is not his real father at all. Sing is actually Tat’s son. Of course, everything goes to shit because Sing is such a total asshole.

Sing gets blown up by Fumito and his gang (but saves Tat in the process) and all that’s left of him is his lips and his brain. In order to save Sing, the doctors need sixty million dollars. Since Tat is now cut off from his wealthy parents, Tat gives six thousand dollars (his life savings) to crazy Dr. Chang for a discount operation. Roll out the terribly cheap and cheesed out 1995 digital effects! One of Sing’s most disturbing new attributes is he now has to urinate through a long hose with a spigot on the end of it.

They fake his funeral and only the faux ugly chick shows up crying for him. How touching. Two years later, father and son fall on hard times and Sing takes a job as a biology teacher. The school is overrun with spoiled brat juvenile delinquents. Could this be Fight Back To School 4? No, it’s not. Not even half man half machine Sing is a match for these evil kids.

Chung-Chung is now a teacher at the school as well and as predicted, she is now totally hot and Sing falls in love with her. Dr. Chang returns with a super chip giving him tremendous shape-shifting powers. For some reason there is a huge homage to The Mask. I’m guessing that Jim Carrey is popular in China too. Back at school, he is now a badass teacher and the shitbox juvenile delinquents don’t stand a chance. After getting the students to reform their ways and improve their grades, the school board (who profited off their idiotic student body) try to can him. A disturbing head eating scene takes place and I’m wondering where all of this is going.

The gangsters who destroyed his body return and he must use his new powers to save the day. He gets his revenge but the gangster’s henchman becomes a cyborg as well but with murderous programming. The evil guy trashes Sing and Chung Chung’s wedding. When Sing meets such a powerful opponent, he turns into Mrs. Wong. No, I don’t get the reference either. Research says…NEXT FILM PLEASE!!!

“Bump him to death!”

11:31am

From Beijing with Love

I hate James Bond movies. Not all of them obviously but the ones with Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore, and Sean Connery piss me off. That George Lazenby one was good though. So anyway, yes this Bond parody is one of my favorites. It takes the Man with the Golden Gun formula. There’s an evil man in super impervious body armor who stole a dinosaur skull and he has a crazy golden gun that shoots super bullets.

The opening credit sequence is wonderful. It has the silhouettes lovely ladies doing sexy dances with giant bullets and guns but it’s a total gag. This time around, Stephen Chow plays Ling Ling Chai, a secret agent posing as a pork vendor. The “sexiness” of his James Bond character is tainted immediately as he tries to pay a hooker for her services with a freshly cut pork loin.

Instead of a trusty pistol, Chai always carries his lucky chopper. The useless inventions of M are parodied to great effet. The crazy Da Man Si is our inventor of silly weapons and gadgets such as a flashlight that only works when you shine another flashlight on it. If it’s dark, the flashlight doesn’t work. He invents a briefcase chair so you can have a place to sit while staking out baddies.

The agency gives him $200 and sends him out on his first mission in years. Of course, there is a double agent in the government who is the man in the evil super armor who specifically chose Chai because he is so incompetent. His assistant is super hot assassin Siu Kam (played by the gorgeous Anita Yuen). Chai goes to Hong Kong but his hotel reservation is bogus. He ends up at a shithole run by a very familiar looking tranny (not the nose-picking kind) who offers him sexual favors.

The best scene is when Siu Kam tries to use Chai’s own gun to kill him and ends up shooting herself. Thanks to an incident with some random criminals and saving the life of a child, miss assassin starts to fall for Chai. Another hot assassin (the lovely Pauline Chan) comes along with her partner, a big mamalook with gold teeth like Jaws (played by Joe Cheng (the Japanese gangster from Sixty Million Dollar Man)). After shooting Chai in the leg, Siu Kam tries to save him. To ignore the pain of removing a bullet without anesthesia and to keep from bleeding to death, Chai puts on a porno movie while she operates.

I think this might be the most violent and bloody of the movies in the marathon. Good. Good! GOOD! Uh oh, I think our cat Sparkles is Chowed out. But we’re gonna be okay because Crisco is Chowed in! Aww, that is adorable: Siu Kam has fallen for Chai. That’s so sweet. Chai escapes execution by bribing the poorly paid soldiers with a hundred bucks and some cigarettes. The final showdown is truly magnificent and explosive. Da Man Si unleashes his super weapon 3000 which is a bunch of crappy weapons tied together with wire. Oh, this is a truly splendiferous comedy.

“He wants to sexually assault bean curd?!”

12:59pm

Tricky Brains

Oh fuck yeah, we are into the nitty gritty now. I pledge allegiance to this film. Chow is Handsome Tricks Expert Jing Koo, a master of pranks who gets paid to drive people insane with his tricks. Everything is a gag and no one is safe from the master. Jing Koo is hired out by the evil Macky (played by Waise Lee) to pretend to be the son of Mr. Chi (Ng Man Tat again) in order to destroy his good natured son Man Kit (Andy Lau) who is in love with Lucy Ching (Rosamund Kwan) who is actually the daughter of Mr. Ching, the head of a large corporation who the evil Macky wants to take over by marrying Lucy. Got it? Good. Let’s move on.

The Tricks Master manages to convince Mr. Chi that he is his long lost son by acting just as dumb and eccentric as he is. Chi gives Jing a necklace made out of his womb hair. Why can’t more parents give that to their children? Mom, if you’re reading this… Kit is suspicious of his new brother but slowly becomes convinced that Jing may be the real thing. The trio of Kit, Chi, and Jing is pure comic gold as their timing and chemistry is impeccable especially during their rhyme battle which is apparently a normal occurrence in their house.

Fat guy Chiu, the personnel manager at the corporation where Tat and Kit work, is a great fall guy for their gags. He pulls some strings and gets Jing a job. Big mistake. Jing and Kit have an inexplicable musical number about having a job. At work, Jing plays the fool so perfectly that no one suspects he isn’t a complete dumbass. He manages to get the best of Shark, the butch chick that everyone at work is scared of.

The film has perfectly politically incorrect moments like when Jing convinces Lucy’s friend Banana that he has AIDS. It’s a pretty heartwarming moment, especially when she goes apeshit after he kisses her. Oh yeah, Banana (played by Chingmy Yau of Naked Killer) is my favorite! She’s Lucy’s best friend and a sassy broad that gets dumped by her boyfriend on her birthday. Luckily Jing is there to cheer her up by acting like an idiot. And then there’s the fake nude suit…

This is one of those movies that I wish was 8 hours long. If only this could go on forever. LeEtta makes a hella great asparagus quiche for lunch and I eat it. I am now convinced that this is heaven. Jing puts itching powder in Kit’s underwear and then slips him some Spanish Fly (or translated here as “Never Can Kill Voluptuary”) to make him look a damn fool at the cinema. But the prank backfires and Kit ends up romancing Lucy.

In order to get Kit fired, Jing ruins a huge multi-billion dollar deal with the Japanese. After both of his sons get canned, Tat resigns only months before retirement thus losing his huge pension. This catastrophe (and a surprise birthday party) makes Jing have a change of heart about tricking these poor bastards. Jing refuses to work for evil Macky anymore so Macky hires a rival master of tricks, The Ultimate Expert, to destroy Jing.

Our gang decides to crash Macky and Lucy’s engagement party so that Kit can try and win her back. Ng Man Tat in drag! Those who have seen this sight are truly blessed people. Time for a crazy dance number with kung-fu fighting! And now a pranking showdown of epic proportions breaks out and we are all the better for it. As expected, this scene is completely bonkers and there’s plenty of “Shameful Candy” for everyone. Now we have Stephen Chow in drag!

“I drive Mercedes, you pick your nostril.”

2:47pm

The King Of Comedy

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of this thing and my eyes are starting to melt. This film is apparently a semiautobiographical look at Stephen Chow’s early career as an actor. John Woo gets parodied and his film The Killer is poked fun at. Even Jackie Chan shows up for a cameo. Chow plays Sau, a wannabe actor who can’t get a break in the cutthroat world of Hong Kong cinema. To get by, he manages the local youth center and teaches acting to the local slobs. The local wannabe triads are the only people he can get to star in his lame plays which no one bothers to attend.

Sau keeps showing up on the set of Sister Cuckoo’s new movie expecting to get work. Cuckoo (played by Karen Mok) a big star and he manages to cause chaos every time he’s on set, nearly killing her in the process. All Sau wants is a boxed lunch for his troubles but the head of catering (Ng Man Tat) is a real bastard and refuses to give him a break.

Enter Piu Piu, a young lady (played by Cecilia Cheung) with a bad attitude who works at a host club. Because she is such a terrible hostess and can’t pretend to be interested in the clients, her boss takes her and the other girls to acting lessons by Sau. Piu hates being told what to do but she especially hates being called a club girl. She beats the shit out of Sau with a folding stool after he insults her. However, when his lousy acting techniques actually come in handy, she returns for more lessons.

There’s something terrifying that we must discuss: the naked kid. Sometimes, life hands you lemons and sometimes it hands you a naked Chinese kid. My jaw has never dropped so hard and so far before as when I first beheld the naked kid. When Stephen Chow flicks the kid’s willy with a stick (don’t ask), I think part of me died. Seriously. I cannot describe the mind-bending horror of the naked kid. In other words, it is funny, really funny. The naked kid is real. You’ve been warned.

Oh look, another Fist of Fury parody and more chances for Chow’s riotously funny Bruce Lee screams. Uh oh, the romance between Piu and Sau gets all kinds of screwed up when he tries to pay her for their night of lovin’. Smooth move, dumbshit. She’s a club girl not a whore. Like… hello, there’s a big difference! He tries to fix things but it’s too late. Suddenly, this comedy takes a detour into melodrama but The King of Comedy is still awesome.

Sau gets a lucky break when Sister Cuckoo gives him a chance to be a big star in her movie after her leading man quits. Sau is hypnotized by fame and leaves everything he knows behind. But this is only after he drips a giant snot on Cuckoo while rehearsing an emotional scene. The movie references continue as a half-assed Quentin Tarantino impersonator gets the brush off by Sister Cuckoo. His entrance into the glamorous world of celebrity is juxtaposed quite painfully by a scene of Piu Piu getting beaten by a client in the hostess club. The King of Comedy? More like The King of Saddening Your Audience!

Getting back together with Piu Piu costs Sau his acting career since Cuckoo had fallen for him. In an even more bizarre turn of events, he ends up as an undercover agent for Ng Man Tat, who is actually a cop trying to infiltrate a gang of drug dealers. The movie has gone from comedy to melodrama to cop thriller. Why is this called The King Of Comedy anyway? Hey look, all’s well that ends well but what the hell is up with the Pringles commercial?

Cigar/Dinner Break

LeEtta and I walk to the laundry room for sodas. On the way, I light up my Pedromo cigar. It takes about 11 matches because it’s so breezy outside. Even though I hate wind (it’s a cigar smoker thing), the weather is fantastic. We see lovely birds by the lake and it’s just dang gorgeous. We walk and talk about Stephen Chow and some other various non-Chinese topics. I ask my wife about what she’s learned from all these Chow films. She says that you can be friends with an ugly girl but it takes a drastic makeover before you can love her. LeEtta also notes that Chow enjoys getting beaten up and that he’s such a sad sack in his films.

When we get back home, I retreat to the patio to finish my cigar and listen to some giallo music (sorry, force of habit) on my iPod. After that, we put together a dinner with some leftovers: open-face quesadillas with ground beef, spinach, and artichokes. I grate some cheddar cheese and sprinkle it over the top. Bake at 400 degrees and eat. DELICIOUS! Okay, I ate way too much. Time for some more Chow. Hey, has anyone noticed that his name is-?

“Thank you. You make us to get our kung-fu back.”

6:35pm

Shaolin Soccer

Now we have arrived, folks. There’s no turning back now. The final three Chow masterpieces begin with Shaolin Soccer. Golden Leg (Ng Man Tat) is a dick and he pays dearly for it. He accepts a bribe to throw the game and his teammate Hung (Yin Tse) arranges to have his golden leg broken and thus ruining his soccer career. Flash forward many years, Hung is now the manager of the evil soccer team and Golden Leg is now a glorified towel boy who kisses his ass. Golden Leg asks for a chance to coach but Hung refuses. He also lets him know that he was the one who arranged for his leg to be broken on that fateful day. Tat is amazing in this scene. Golden Leg is so crushed by what a joke his life has become that he can only laugh miserably.

By chance, he meets a strange character on the street named Mighty Steel Leg Sing (Stephen Chow) who can kick with a near supernatural ability. He knows that kung-fu could change the entire world but doesn’t know how to market it yet. This film is worlds better than many of Chow’s earlier efforts and he really comes into his own here. Everyone is excellent, the jokes are silly and awesome, the insane digital effects rock (well, most of them did in 2001 anyway), and the storyline is superb.

Steel Leg meets Mui (played by Wei Zhao), a homely steamed bun maker who uses the power of Shaolin kung-fu to make extremely light and delicious buns. Yes, we have another “ugly” chick who has to become beautiful before Chow’s character will fall for her. We’re watching the extended version with cut scenes left in. There’s a whole dance number that should have stayed in the picture. We get to meet Steel Leg’s brother Iron Head (Yut Fei Wong) and he’s a broken man who is treated like shit by his boss at the nightclub. They sing a song at the night club praising the virtues of Shaolin kung-fu (my favorite scene of any film ever) that is completely awful and it gets them beaten up.

Golden Leg meets up with Steel Leg Sing again but this time he gets to see him in action. Steel Leg takes out a bunch of triads with his kung-fu and a soccer ball. This fight scene kicks three different kinds of ass. Golden Leg and Sing figure out a way to market Shaolin kung-fu by using it to play soccer. Now all they need is a team. Steel Leg convinces all of his brothers with different kung-fu powers to join their team. Can you name them all? Iron Shirt, Light Weight, Iron Head, Steel Leg, Hooking Leg, and Lightning Hands.

Golden Leg’s soccer team has a really rough start mainly because none of them have a clue how to play the game. It doesn’t help that none of them seem to remember their Shaolin skills. They are so totally pathetic that they get slaughtered and humiliated at their first amateur game by a gang of hooligans pretending to be a soccer team. These thugs beat the shit out of Steel Leg and his friends. Then, in their darkest hour, a change comes. The brothers remember their powers and mop up the field with these cheating bastards.

Oh shit, I almost missed a TRAMEO! The deleted scenes are awesome. We get to see Mui kick some ass and then be depressing. Damn, that’s just awesome. The serious moments are tempered with doses of insane comedy. It seems like Golden Leg’s team have finally met their match when they go up against Hung’s evil team. Iron Shirt is still my favorite: there stands a hero. After getting thoroughly thrashed on the field, the team is out of players. Thankfully, Mui shows up with her head shaved completely bald to be their replacement goalie and… well, you’ll just have to watch the movie to find out. Haven’t I given you enough friggin’ spoilers already? DAMN IT!

“Go home and raise pigs!”

8:29pm

Kung Fu Hustle

If you haven’t seen Kung Fu Hustle yet, then please do so immediately. It is an excellent starting place for folks looking to get into Stephen Chow. Just don’t expect the effects to be this good in any of his other movies and don’t get spoiled by the big scope either. I think a budget this big is something quite new for Mr. Chow. This really is the apex of our director’s vision. This is an epic comedy action masterpiece and is essential viewing for Chinese film fans. In other words, it’s pretty good.

The Axe Gang is here to kill the shit out of everyone. They are led by the psychotic Brother Sum (played by Kwok-Kwan Chan). Let’s go to Pig Sty Alley where the poor folks live and are unaffected by the crime-ridden world outside them. Not idyllic by any means but peaceful. This is where the landlady rules and her bad attitude and shrieking voice are the law. Her husband is a lecherous goof who she smacks around even going so far as to throw him out a third story window. Somehow, he can take this abuse without dying.

Stephen Chow plays Sing, a wannabe criminal who goes around trying to muscle people with his fat partner Bone (who played Light Weight in Shaolin Soccer). When he tries to blackmail the barber into giving him some cash, the landlady smacks Sing with her sandal repeatedly. Sing summons the Axe Gang, who he’s not really affiliated with, and they actually show up. Someone beats up the Axe Gang’s Vice General (played by Suet Lam) and the reinforcements are called in. It turns out that three residents of Pig Sty Alley are kung-fu masters and send the Axe Gang packing.

This is my favorite scene of the movie. When Coolie (played by Yu Xing), the gay Tailor (Chi Ling Chiu), and Donut (Zhi Hua Dong), rise up to defend their neighbors, the result is more kung-fu action than you can shake your fists at. Brother Sum turns to two creepy assassins to take care of the three kung-fu masters living in Pig Sty Alley. Another glorious fight scene erupts with tragic results. “In great power lies great responsibility.” Thank you, Spiderman. By the way, the landlord and the landlady are kung-fu masters.

Everything in this movie is larger than life. So is the cruelty. The world is a terrible place but it’s still funny as hell. Thanks to great performers and the advances in special effects, this is one incredible ride for martial arts junkies. The film has less crazy plot twists and odd divergences than the other films but more insane and cartoonish visuals pick up the slack.

Sing and Bone have been told they have to kill someone before they can join the Axe Gang which they screw up with hilarious results. Sing is bitten on the face by poisonous snakes but doesn’t die. Hmm… Something is fishy here. He is reunited with Fong (played by the lovely Shengyi Huang), the deaf girl from his childhood but he pretends not to know her. A depressing flashback shows Sing as a kid getting ripped off by a beggar who sells him a kung-fu pamphlet. He tries his new moves out on some kids bullying Fong but they beat him up and pee on him. Ah, such sweet memories.

After robbing Fong’s ice cream stand, Sing ditches Bone and ends up at the Axe Gang’s casino where he is given a new assignment. He must retrieve the deadliest kung-fu master from an insane asylum. He is known as The Beast and he his excellently portrayed by Siu-Lung. Hm, a not so subtle reference to The Shining. Never thought I’d see that in a Chinese film. He’s creepy and gives off that smiling evil that cannot be stopped. Love it.

The landlady and the landlord show up to defeat the Axe Gang and take on The Beast. An insane smackdown ensues and Sing manages to save the day. For his efforts, he is nearly killed but survives thanks to his newly awakened kung-fu powers. When The Beast reveals his true power, the toad style, and it’s more than a little freakish and disturbing. I slap your frog ass down with the Buddha’s Palm, bitch. Wow, this movie is so weird that it’s almost abstract. With Kung Fu Hustle, Stephen Chow has revealed his godlike powers to us and we must not disobey him (or the snotty kid).

“You… You are very excrescent!”

10:10pm

The God of Cookery

This is it, the zenith of human comedic entertainment. Once you have witnessed it, The God of Cookery is the only film you’ll ever need to own and watch over and over again. Stephen Chow plays Stephen Chow, the former God of Cookery. I’d love nothing more than to debate the contents of your “Assorted Noodle” but lady I ain’t got the time. Forget horror films, forget slashers, and forget torture porn; you want real brutality, watch a Stephen Chow comedy. I’ve seen the face of darkness and its name is CHOW!

This was my first introduction to the world of Chinese comedy and I still can’t get over it. I’ll never get over it. Ever. Chow is at his most despicable at the beginning of this film. As the God of Cookery, he lies, he cheats, and he ridicules and violently abuses his staff. Ng Man Tat is his shady business partner who has had enough of his bullshit. Together they’ve created a great marketing scheme for God of Cookery products but they’ve also created a monster. Oh snap, that was a TRAMEO!

Now Tat has a plan to destroy this control freak and give the world a new God of Cookery. Bull Tong (played by Vincent Kok), a chef who wants to get in on the action, manages to get a job as a gopher for Chow. But there’s more to this smiling idiot than meets the eye as he takes the God of Cookery throne. With Chow out of the way, Bull Tong turns out to be even worse than the former God of Cookery.

Now pretty much living on the streets, Chow is a beggar and meets a horrifying young lady named Turkey (AKA Twin Dagger Turkey), a street vendor played with limitless gusto by Karen Mok. She is in a constant struggle for dominance with the other street vendors. Oh my God, there are so many faces from other Stephen Chow flicks in this one. There’s Goosehead played by Siu-Kei Lee from The Lucky Guy and Kai Man Tin from Shaolin Soccer and King of Comedy as the green-haired triad member. They all take part in this amazing scene where Goosehead gets pissed off and makes everyone stand in a lineup and repeat this phrase: “Shit, mix the Pissing Shrimps and Beef Balls.”

Everything about his movie is the tits. My God, I can’t hold it together. Comedy is a destructive force. It has ruined me for life. Nothing will ever be this good again. This lineup bit is the funniest scene and it’s all just to prove who was mouthing off during Turkey and Goosehead’s negotiations. Chow (as co-director once again) leaves all these mistakes and goofy shit in this scene. It’s totally out of control. I love the improv comedy with giggling and the obvious flubs. This is why I was born. And then Twin Dagger Turkey starts singing about buddies. “My blood is bleeding for love.”

The street vendors settle their differences and mix the “pissing shrimp” and the “beef balls” to come up with “Explosive Pissing Beef Balls”. It’s like the filthiest food of all time. With this miracle food, these upstart entrepreneurs begin to take over the snack market. There’s something Zen-like to this flick. It calms me. Soothe me, Mr. Chow. That’s it, I’m going to clown college. All it takes to be funny is to be horrendously cruel. I can do that.

Chow’s plan is to retake the throne of God of Cookery but he’s still got his old enemies to worry about. Tat and Bull Tong try to stop him with negative Feng Shui but he arranges the branches of his stores in a pattern to spell out “Sure win!” Turkey hitting Tat in the head with a metal trashcan is a high point of the film. Of course, Twin Dagger Turkey is in love with Chow but not too surprisingly, she’s too hideous for him to ever consider loving. When Tat sends an assassin to kill Chow, Turkey takes a bullet in the face for him.

Chow runs away to the Chinese Cooking Academy to get the skills he needs to defeat Bull Tong. There he meets Wet Dream (played by Tats Lau of Forbidden City Cop), a perverted monk who won’t let Chow leave the school. It turns out that the Chinese Cooking Academy is also a Shaolin temple where the legendary 18 Brass Men reside. Chow acts up and gets beaten severely for it by these brass warriors. I can’t feel my face. I can’t laugh anymore. It’s all happening on the inside now.

At the competition to crown the next God of Cookery, Chow shows up at the last minute to participate. He goes up against Bull Tong for the title and hijinks ensue. The best character in this scene is the Princess of Taste played by Miss Nancy Sit. The chick is awesome! After tasting Chow’s food, she has a fantasy sequence where rolls around on a giant piece of pork. This is all very dramatics and I won’t revel tej end for you. IT crazy and god.

Hahey pretty lady funny=Nevver mind I just bust out laughing just now. iT is lal good.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

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Godn gihggg=== goodnight. Everypeople. Thanks.’’’’’’’’’’’’

Conclusion

Despite the garbled insanity of the last few minutes, this was the easiest moviethon to watch. But it was also the most difficult to write about. I find this 19 page Word document pretty daunting and this one may take a while to get ready. The only similarity to other moviethons the Chowdown has is that the day after, all I want to do was watch more. Stephen Chow’s films are addictive as hell and even ones I don’t like (A Chinese Odyssey Parts One and Two, God of Gamblers II, Hail the Judge, etc.) are starting to look good to me this morning.

If you’ve never seen a Stephen Chow film, then you need to fix that right away. If you like comedy or have ever laughed or would like to laugh someday then by all means, get on the Chow bus. My only suggestion is to always watch his movies in Cantonese. If the film is dubbed in Mandarin or (very rarely) in English, then seek it out in Chow’s native tongue. His voice, even if you don’t speak the language, is big part of his humor. The God of Cookery, Shaolin Soccer, and especially Kung Fu Hustle are all great starting points.

As I’m writing this, there are all these rumors that Stephen Chow is about to come to Hollywood. One of the rumors is that he will play Kato in a Green Hornet movie (his Bruce Lee worship continues) but I’ve also heard otherwise. I would go see any American film with Chow in it, even if he only made a cameo or the film was terrible. I am that desperate to share this amazing, amazing comedian with everyone. His brand of humor could easily cross over to American audiences who already have bizarre and cruel senses of humor. Chow’s films have progressed from simple parodies of popular Chinese films to fiercely original masterpieces and I hope that his influence will not be ignored in the US.

I’m reminded of this great and underrated movie called Funny Bones starring Oliver Platt and Lee Evans. In it, Freddie Davies plays this old circus performer/clown who has a line that goes “I never saw anything funny that wasn’t terrible, didn’t cause pain.” This is especially true of Chow’s films which are both explosively funny and relentlessly mean. Everyone has to make someone else (who they perceive to be lower than them) suffer. Chow himself is not immune to this. In fact, the parts he plays are always losers in one way or another and someone always seems to beating the crap out of him.

Ladies and gentlemen, STEPHEN CHOW IS THE KING OF COMEDY and my life has vastly improved ever since the day that I accepted that fact.