Dario Argento

Say Uh… Phenomena!

[Reader beware. There are major spoilers coming up.]

Whenever the wind is in the trees, I think of Phenomena and nothing feels right or normal in the best way. Released in 1985, Dario Argento’s twisted fairy-tale masterpiece has always had a strange effect on me. It’s a ridiculous world of tangible impossibilities with an atmosphere of doom and insanity hanging around every corner. Imagine if your fantasy world got caught in the kitchen disposal and then you were able to film it; the end result would look a whole lot like Phenomena.

The film starts as Jennifer Corvino (played by Jennifer Connelly), the daughter of a famous actor, arrives at a Swiss boarding school. Jennifer has a sleepwalking problem and one night while she is wandering around the closed section of the school, she witnesses a girl being murdered by a psychotic killer. She meets wheelchair bound Professor John McGregor (Donald Pleasence), an entomologist living with his helper chimpanzee who’s been enlisted by the police to help track down the murderer. He seems to think that Jennifer’s sleepwalking is a symptom of burgeoning mental powers. McGregor’s hypothesis proves to be true as Jennifer soon realizes that she can communicate with insects. They decide to use her strange gift to catch the killer.

When the unlikely duo gets too close to discovering the truth, the killer comes after Professor McGregor. Now alone against a sadistic psychopath, Jennifer mistakenly takes shelter with Frau Brückner (Daria Nicolodi) who turns out to be the mother of the deformed creature that has been doing all the killing. With the help of a detective (Patrick Bauchau) and her insect helpers, Jennifer just barely escapes with her life. Frau Brückner kills the detective and comes looking for our young heroine. Jennifer’s ultimate rescue comes in the form of John McGregor’s chimpanzee that gets revenge for its slain master by taking a straight razor to the insane woman.

When I was 12 or 13 years old, I was intrigued by a segment on an MTV show called “Stephen King’s World of Horror” about Dario Argento. It talked about a film called Creepers and I sought it out. The cover of the VHS tape entitled Creepers really blew my mind. It features a painting of Jennifer Connelly (“The chick from Labyrinth!” I thought to myself) holding a handful of flies and other insects. These creepy crawlies were flying out of her half rotted face and I was completely mesmerized by the sickening beauty of this image. At this point in my young life, my parents were allowing me to rent whatever horror films I pleased. They had given me their old VCR to hook up in my room so I had absolutely no trouble getting this particular flick by them. There was a mix-up at the video store and the film Creeper (AKA In the Devil’s Garden AKA Assault from 1971) was in the Creepers case by mistake. Once that was resolved, I finally had the film in my hands.

Little did I know what awaited me on that tape. Creepers is actually Dario Argento’s giallo-fantastico masterpiece Phenomena, minus about 28 minutes of footage. A few very brief shots of gore had been trimmed but most of the cuts had to do with the plot and Jennifer Corvino’s character development. The most shocking moments in the film: the big reveal of Frau Brückner’s murderous and hideously deformed child and Jennifer falling into a pit of rotting corpses, remained intact on the rental copy I watched back in the day.

I love Dario Argento and Franco Ferrini’s childish plot. Everything that takes place in Phenomena, no matter how ludicrous, made perfect sense to my young mind. Even now, I’ll catch myself just nodding and smiling as the events unfold that would likely cause most rational folks to start throwing furniture at the screen. How is it that a girl with the ability to communicate telepathically with insects just happens to become best buds with a crippled entomologist who just happens to have been researching the psychic powers of insects throughout his career? I guess that is a small concession in a film that also features a dang chimpanzee armed with a straight razor that brutally savages his master’s murderer.

I especially love the film’s minimalist set design of the finale. The brilliantly lit monochromatic and sparsely decorated walls help focus the viewer’s attention on the action and give it a stark bleakness. Phenomena also has a hypnotic quality, a morbid melancholy (a little something which I call “The Vibe”) that I’ve rarely found in American horror films. Similarly, Joe D’Amato’s horror films often have little to no set design and I can’t help but feel this perfectly communicated sense of claustrophobia and horror in my bones. I’m sure one could assume these things were kept simple to keep production costs low but so be it, I’m already smitten.

The music of Phenomena ranges from spectacular to totally inappropriate. Simon Boswell and Goblin contribute the ethereal pieces and the horror stingers. And though they sound great where they are placed within the film, “Flash of the Blade” by Iron Maiden and “Locomotive” by Motörhead are disruptive to the flow of the rest of the soundtrack. Now don’t get me wrong, I was a metalhead during my early teens and the inclusion of these songs only made me love this movie all the more. But even as a youngster, I knew that “Flash of the Blade” has nothing lyrically that fits with what’s happening onscreen. Argento’s indiscriminate love of (often cheesy) heavy metal rears its ugly head again in his next film Opera but with less or more success depending entirely on your taste in metal.

A classic Italian horror film needs a great cast and Phenomena is certainly no slouch in that department. Leading the cast is a young Jennifer Connelly (who Argento spotted in Once Upon a Time in America and decided to cast her) and Donald Pleasence who was serving time in Italy between Halloween sequels. Daria Nicolodi is totally batshit crazy as Frau Brückner, one of my favorite villainesses ever captured on film. Belgian born actor Patrick Bauchau (of “Carnivale”) plays Inspector Geiger, the detective who almost saves the day but who dies horribly (off camera).

Sadly, Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly has since distanced herself from Phenomena and her time spent in Italy. In a 2004 interview with Vogue, she disses the film and her performance in it saying it was little more than an excuse to vacation in Europe. I can’t help but laugh at this because this is best thing Connelly has ever done or ever will do. No, I’m not kidding. As far as I’m concerned, Jennifer Connelly’s career tanked in 1986 with only a few minor points of interest since (Mulholland Falls, Dark City and the Dark Water remake). There’s still a chance for her to redeem herself but only if she returns to Italian horror.

One of the greatest character actors of all time, Donald Pleasence, delivers his performance of Professor John McGregor with his usual morbid sincerity. Pleasence is totally convincing as the renowned entomologist even while he is dishing up the corniest dialogue. He easily mesmerizes the viewer into believing his every word. In an interview in Profondo Argento, the actor mentions that Phenomena had one of the silliest scripts he’d ever read. I find this very curious. Perhaps he’d forgotten about Paganini Horror and Fatal Frames of hadn’t made them yet at the time of the interview. Those two totally wacko Italian horror films are easily sillier than Phenomena.

Near the end of the film, we have traveled with Jennifer through windswept Sweden, entered a girls’ school with almost no discernible curriculum, been knocked with her into a pit full of carrion and squirming larvae, and joined in her desperate psychic cry to her insect brethren to chew the face off her diminutive tormentor. Moments later, everything changes as Jennifer is swimming to shore thus washing away the horror (and filth from the corpse pit) and we’re led to believe that the horror is finally over. For me, this ethereal scene is the most resplendent of the film and is a transcendent landmark for Italian horror. This peaceful moment  is interrupted when Jennifer’s father’s lawyer who shows up to take her home. No easy denouement here as Argento has one more showstopping setpiece tucked up his sleeve.

Phenomena is a feverish, outrageous, and gory maggot party that will always be at the top of the list of my favorite horror movies of all time. I cannot stress enough how badly you need to see this film or see it again if you’ve already taken the plunge. There’s a whole lot of ugly, a whole lot of weird, and a whole lot of beauty packed into Argento’s whacked out beast. This film stands very tall among the dozen or so horror flicks that had a huge impact on my young brain. Phenomena’s somnambulistic evil grows as the years go by and every time I am drawn back in, I get just a little closer to happily losing my mind.

Church, The

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The Church (1989)

Sometime in the 12th century, a group of Teutonic knights slaughtered a group of Pagans thinking them to plagued by a Satanic curse. A church was built on top of the site of the massacre. 800 years later, Evan the librarian (Tomas Arana) uncovers an ancient document that details a horrifying incident which inspired the design of the church. The closer Evan gets to uncovering the truth, the more bizarre and horrifying events begin to take place. When blood is shed inside the church, an automatic locking system traps everyone inside. Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie) tries to do his best to find the secret of the church’s architect in order to destroy the demonic plague before it spreads outside the church and destroys the world.

Michele Soavi (Stagefright) directs The Church AKA La Chiesa, an exercise in unholy atmosphere and gory entertainments. Visually, this film is nearly perfect: the razor-sharp cinematography, moody lighting, and must-be-seen-to-be-believed setpieces all come together in a dizzying explosion of hot and goopy damnation. The soundtrack provided by Keith Emerson, Philip Glass, Fabio Pignatelli, and Goblin is fantastic without a trace of any inappropriate heavy metal or silly pop.

Where the film goes wrong is in the writing. There are 8 or so writing credits (some credited, some not) heaped on The Church and you can really tell. This is one confusing film with many, many unanswered questions. The best unintentionally hilarious moment comes when Barbara Cupisti’s character calls the police from her (seemingly remote) cabin and their response time is around 30 seconds. Those viewers who need to understand what they’re watching will want to avoid this film. Oh, and the English dubbing. Holy crow, there are some awful voices and performances in this one.

TV and film actor, Hugh Quarshie, is excellent as Father Gus but where’s the dang character development? It’s pretty obvious that he’s the hero of the story once Evan the librarian goes south but the film could have easily devoted some time to giving some background to what drives Father Gus. Put Tomas Arana (Body Puzzle) on the list of actors that I don’t trust. Seriously, this guy is really creepy and I really hope he gets some more starring roles in horror films.

The Church sports quite a familiar faces from the Italian horror world. With an unforgettably menacing visage, Feodor Chaliapin Jr. (Dario Argento’s Inferno) is great as the creepy bishop. The queen of the overbites, Barbara Cupisti (Stagefright), plays Lisa, a young woman working at restoring the church’s frescos. The lovely and criminally underused actress Antonella Vitale gets all messed up in her role as “Bridal Model”. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for even more Italian horror awesomeness: John Richardson of Fear, Giovanni Radice of House On The Edge Of The Park, and of course, Asia Argento of The Stendhal Syndrome and Trauma.

The Church is a visually stunning film with a seriously battered and neglected script. The plot trails off several times and the WTF? factor is quite high throughout the running time. Thanks to Dario Argento’s producer credit, this film is quite lavish when compared to much of the late 80s Italian horror output. (Note: Supposedly, Dario Argento imposed some cuts to the film against Soavi’s wishes which might explain much of the film’s confusing narrative.) Also, you’ll have a tough time trying to find a film with as much blasphemy, perversion, and gore as The Church. The extremely talented Soavi went on to do even more amazing films such as The Sect and Cemetery Man before spending time directing made-for-TV action and drama films. We should all collectively pray that he returns to horror very soon.

“C’mon, have a biscuit! They’re groovy!”

Argentophobia: 13 Films in 34 Hours

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I’ve been putting off watching any of my Dario Argento DVDs ever since Doomed Fulci-Thon nearly a year ago. The biggest delay with this moviethon was that I was searching for a watchable copy of Four Flies On Grey Velvet. After I picked up a halfway decent bootleg at Screamfest, it was time for Argentophobia to happen. It would be nice if Five Days In Milan would show up sometime. Anyway…

My original idea was to watch all 18 Argento DVDs at my disposal but my pickiness intervened. I cut Sleepless, The Card Player, Do You Like Hitchcock?, Jenifer, and Pelts, because a few of these are my least favorite titles and I didn’t want the moviethon to stretch too far into Sunday. I really needed my recovery time if I was going to make it to work on Monday. So, the 13 films were chosen and scheduled, a drinking game was concocted, and I invited some friends to participate in the festival.

Immediately after work, to the liquor store we went. I bought the mother of all Jack Daniels bottles while my wife, LeEtta, picked up some Admiral Nelson spiced rum and a bottle of Jameson. Then onto the cigar store where I grabbed two cigars: Cabinet Selección Por Larrañaga and an Oliva Serie V. Our last stop: 7-11 for caffeine related drinks: Java Monster (all 3 varieties). Our friends, Zac and Stephanie, arrive with Schlitz beer (for Zac) and Smirnoff Ice (for Stephanie). We ordered 2 pizzas from Papa John’s (yeah I know, we have poor taste in pizza) and we were finally ready to start.

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“Now you’re going to die! You’re going to die. Now, just like all the others.”

6:33pm – The Bird With The Crystal Plumage

Dario’s first. What better place to start? It’s our first encounter with memory and art. A character has to remember something he/she has already seen in order to catch the killer. And a piece of artwork gives the biggest clue to solving the case. Wow, Sam (played by Tony Musante) is such a dick! “These murders are inconveniencing me!” Suzy Kendall, you’re such an ineffectual little sweetie.

Now, we settle into the James Bond section of the film with Reggie Nalder chasing Sam around with a pistol. There’s some wacky ass pseudoscience all up in this piece. Some nonsense about vowel lengths like fingerprints in the human voice. Who knows, it’s probably true. This movie really doesn’t hold up to scrutiny in the detail department.

LeEtta: “There are no killers in Italy. Rome is like Candyland.”

Thank God I didn’t make eccentric characters part of the drinking game. There’s Berto Consalvi – our painter. Zac says he sounds like an extra from Fiddler On The Roof. Oh yeah, Solong AKA Garullo gets the nomination for Pimp Of The Year. Inspector Morosini – that eye twitch, wow! LeEtta points out that the bird with the crystal plumage is a pretty disappointing bird. And just like that, the first film is over. Great, great movie. Lame, lame bird.

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“I like solving puzzles.”

8:23pm – The Cat ‘O Nine Tails

Though not one of Argento’s finest, The Cat ‘O Nine Tails is one I’ve always enjoyed. The film stars Ken Doll look-alike James Franciscus and Karl Malden (Stephanie expresses her surprise at this). Now that’s a job for a blind man: typesetting a friggin’ crossword puzzle. Empowerment or cruelty?

The sexy French-born Catherine Spaak plays Anna Terzi: a beautiful woman with helmet head. There’s a lot of details to the mystery in this film. You know, small things that only a blind person would notice. Another gorgeous soundtrack by Ennio Morricone. Zac is totally smitten with the Porsche in this movie.

There’s a great scene in the barbershop with a barber who should probably retire soon. Hilarious. Argento’s comedy is something that I’ve noticed but never really remember. Oh snap, a wallpaper debate just broke out. Jellyfish? Brains? Some kind of sponge treatment? Bust out the XYY chromosomes, y’all. Yet another heaping helping of goofy ass pseudoscience. Add that to the drinking game rules.

Another helmet head, Rada Rassimov (Ivan’s sister!), gets killed pretty dang brutally here. I got a syringe for your milk, bitch. Anna Terzi has a look on her face like “Sorry about my boobs, duder.” Poison milk! Poison milk! And then there’s Gigi the Loser, yet another bizarre character. Nice lantern jaw, duder.

“COOKIE!!! COOKIE!!!”

The inspector is played by Pier Paolo Capponi of Seven Blood-Stained Orchids. The guy has one hell of a mug. Karl Malden is fucking awesome in this film but Cookie’s (his nickname) relationship with Laurie is just a little creepy. Holy shit! Ken Doll just got face-checked with a two by four. The film wraps up with a great fight sequence and an awesome (though abrupt) ending.

10:15pm – Cigar Break

I can’t believe that I picked a bum cigar. Cabinet Selección my ass! Zac and I load up on nicotine while the four of us sit on the patio discussing things. I seem to remember a friendly shouting match between Zac and I over Hostel; a totally inappropriate conversation considering our mission. No matter. Break time is over.

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“What’s everybody got against mailmen, huh?”

11:01pm – Four Flies On Grey Velvet

I’ve been pursuing a decent copy of this movie for years and I finally found a watchable copy which is pretty much the impetus of this entire moviethon. We’re in bootleg territory here, people, and so far, audio hiss and dropouts are our only enemy. Whoa, that creepy Kewpie doll mask! That is woefully disturbing to all four of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the supreme awesomeness of Mimsy Farmer. I get all kinds of stupid over this chick. Her presence gives me an urge to watch The Perfume Of The Lady In Black. Though most reviewers (and probably Argento himself) think Michael Brandon doesn’t work in the role of Roberto Tobias, I’ve got news for ya, people: He’s playing a drummer. You ever hang out with a drummer? Exactly.

Ah, visions of a beheading. Man, this movie (as well as the camera) is all over the place. This is my kind of Argento: beautiful and indulgent. Four Flies was to be Argento’s “farewell” to the Giallo. Everyone knows it wasn’t but you can see the guy pulling out all the stops with this one. He’s really challenging the genre here and giving it a surreal edge.

God is played by Bud Spencer because Bud Spencer is God. He named his bird Jerkoff. That’s nice. God damn it (sorry Godfrey), how many bizarro people are we going to meet tonight? Hell, even Solong the pimp is back as the battered mailman. Then there’s “The Professor” played by Oreste Lionello (the gay photographer from The Case Of The Bloody Iris).

Speaking of gay stereotypes, Jean-Pierre Marielle plays the hapless private eye, Gianni Arrosio. Ouch. Vengeance of the gay stereotypes when Arrosio meets one of his own. We’re all a little ashamed of ourselves now. LeEtta: “Oh my GOD, he had a fan.”

Pseudoscience has attacked for the third time tonight. Images recorded on a corpse’s eye? LeEtta interjects: “Oh, come on! What is this, the 17th century?” Oh, the ending is priceless. So much so that I want to tell you but no, you must seek this movie out as I did. Obscurity has been kind to this film. It isn’t just a completist’s holy grail. We are all in agreement: Four Flies On Grey Velvet is fucking good.

12.45am – Very Short Break

LeEtta and Stephanie have gone to bed. I envy them just a little bit since those last shots have left me all… Whoa Nelly! Zac and I are prepared for the last movie of the night, I think. Let’s do this. Break’s over.

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“But I am the proletariat of the pianoforte.”

12:50am – Deep Red

Gobin assaults us right off the bat. Oh yeah, it’s on. This is where Argento cannot be stopped. He has finally found his voice and its color is red. The surrealist’s Rome strikes again with strange corners and alleyways populated with all kinds of oddballs. Even the architecture is a character in Deep Red.

Oh, Carlo, you’re so gay. What a fabulous affirmation. A truly great performance from Gabriele Lavia of Zeder, Sleepless, Beyond The Door, etc. And David Hemmings makes for an excellent neurotic and sexist hero. There’s a slew of Italian genre actors in this one and it gets pretty out of control. And that bastard police inspector played by Eros Pagni! Always harassing the artists.

Then the show is stolen by true Italian horror royalty: Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi. Her presence not only undermines the jackassery of Hemmings’s Mark character but she also completely steals the show. Nicolodi’s vivacious is just astonishing. The arm-wrestling scene is one of Argento’s funniest.

The camera doesn’t miss a thing. Every detail is lovingly filmed and where are we exactly? Rome? The future? Oh, and is that a replica of the Blue Bar? Sweet Jesus, this film has it all. The soundtrack by Goblin is a classic and those music queues are fantastic. The synthesizer meltdown when Mark is hanging on the side of the building just fucking owns, y’all.

Zac has passed out at the 52 minute mark with his last beer in hand. I’m dang drunk. There’s some scary shit here. An implied presence. Something you suspect is right over your shoulder but you’re too afraid to look. I’m going to try and not pass out before the movie ends.

2:52am – Goodnight

After grabbing the half empty beer out of Zac’s hand, I shake him awake to let him know it’s time for bed. I bid him goodnight while I stumble around in the kitchen trying to clean up a little so that it won’t be so scary in the morning. After my shower, I finally get to go to sleep or pass out or something.

8:39am – Good Morning

LeEtta and I get up to go to the grocery store where we get bagels and cream cheese and other foodstuffs. We get back home and see that Zac and Stephanie are groggy but are both ready for day two. After a lot of water and some breakfast, it’s back to the beasts.

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“If you try to close your eyes, you’ll tear them apart.”

10:23am – Opera

I have to confess that this isn’t one of my favorites. The ridiculous heavy metal and the wandering and totally halfhearted ending just piss me off. Having said that, I always like Opera more with each viewing so it is getting closer and closer to my heart as the years go by.

Betty is played by Cristina Marsillach and such a fine leading lady she is. Her performance just rocks. I especially like the turn her character takes at the end. Betty, I don’t mean to be rude but there’s totally something hiding in your vent. Not cool.

Let the birds sing! WTF? Can we have some more bird violence here? I think that this is the weirdest (and worst) production of Macbeth ever staged. Who is that dreamy stage manager? William McNamara AKA the guy from Copycat. Thanks, internet. Sorry for the spoiler but the duder has one of the most violent death scenes I’ve even seen. Let’s listen to some hideous heavy metal while Betty watches her damn boyfriend get stabbed to death.

Stephanie: “We all took emotional shots in this movie.”

The cinematography is fantastic (even more daring than Deep Red) and the sets in the abandoned parts of the opera house just friggin’ rock. Daria Nicolodi returns as a real shrew this time. You gotta love one of the newer queens of Italian horror, Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni (Phantom Of The Opera, Demons 2) as Giulia, the most annoying character in the film. Yeah, that ending really just trails off…

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“How about fixing me something to eat? I’m here and the cat’s not.”

12:16pm – Two Evil Eyes: “The Black Cat”

Well, GORE-io Argento, you’ve got my attention. Harvey Keitel? Oh man. Dario and Keitel. I can’t imagine them as a duo that got along very well. Nice beret, fucker. Harvey Keitel plays Rod Usher, maniacal photographer and murderer, and is so totally over the top. The whole “MEOW!! MEOW!!!” bit is priceless.
Imaginary Dario quote: “Here Americans, here’s what you like: Gore and cursing!”

Soundtrack by Philip Glass? Nope, that’s Pino Donaggio. Good stuff. And then the whole thing goes nuts. Uh oh, looks like the Ren Fest is in town. Much love for a Tom Savini cameo, y’all. Martin Balsam, anyone? Pittsburgh has never looked as stupid and annoying as it does here.

Wow, Tom Savini’s effects are so damn good here. Zac and I are in agreement that the meat cleaver to the hand effect is beautiful. Madeleine Potter, who plays Annabel, is such an odd looking (in a good way) actress. Oh shit, the schemes that Rod cooks up to hide his crime induce some major fucking LOLs. Yet somehow, it all comes together for the climax. Nice tension.

1:15pm – Lunch

I quickly reheat yesterday’s pizza and we get our munch on. Back to movies.

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“Nicholas, are you here with us?”

1:26pm – Trauma

Ah, finally, one of my guilty pleasures. So very definitely not one his best but this one was an early Argento in my life. It was the second film of his I’d ever seen (after Phenomena AKA Creepers). I rented this sooooo long ago. This movie just weirded me out as a kid and at the time, I had no idea that this was the same guy who directed Creepers.

Hey, Piper Laurie, nice accent. Oh man, the anorexia angle. Geez, it’s handled with less emotion than a god damned public service announcement. I really feel like I’m hallucinating all of this. I’m such a sucker for séance sequences; the more ridiculous they are, the better.

Finally, Asia Argento steps into the ring as Aura, a troubled teen. A discussion about nude scenes filmed by her father takes place. Somehow, this movie has found its DVD niche here, all pretty and restored for Argentoholics to visit and revisit, yet Trauma also belongs in video hell as well.

The irritating dumbass butterfly-collecting kid brings out the worst in all of us. Even the girls start taking potshots at this dumb little jerk. Speaking of irritating, what is Pino Donaggio’s score on this one? It’s always distant and beneath the action, never a part of it.

Ah, the amazing Frederic Forrester of Apocalypse Now as Dr. Judd. Wow, what a dang weirdo. The scene with the psychotropic berry is genius. Then our main character, David (Christopher Rydell), starts the drugging. Oh man. This movie does wander. Brad Dourif is awesome as always. Too bad Dr. Lloyd isn’t given enough to do. I really wish his character had been a little more substantial. Piper Laurie is just grand in Trauma and I’m totally convinced that she’s this crazy in real life. Hey there, Dario. Hitchcock much? Oh man, we just got DePalma’ed.

3:15pm – Cigar Break

Oliva Cigar and another one of those Java Monster coffee things. This time it’s the Big Black flavor and I’m surprised by how good it is. Dang, I need them to sponsor my life. Zac and I are chilling and smoking, delaying the inevitable. I am relieved to have a cigar that is world’s better than yesterday’s crap.

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“I have problems, you know?”

4:01pm – The Stendhal Syndrome

Now this is one of my favorites from the man. This one gets better every single time. German actor, Thomas Kretschmann, superbly plays Alfredo Grossi, a thoroughly evil serial rapist/murderer. He’s actually pretty frightening; this handsome and totally buff guy committing these odious crimes.

Asia Argento really disappears into her role of Detective Anna Manni. I love calling my answering machine to see who I am. So nice to know who I am. Ugh… Marco. God, how I fucking hate this guy. I like when bad things happen to Marco. It makes me smile so big.

Me: “So what did Stendhal call The Stendhal Syndrome? ‘The Me Syndrome’?”

Penis envy much? The psychology behind this film is pretty simple, naïve even, but it works for me. I totally forgot about her goofy brothers and her comically stern father (the actor that should be dubbed). This movie has some subtle nuances that just make it even more amazing. It’s so gritty and nasty and… just plain nasty. It feels like someone else’s film.

Like I said before, Asia is phenomenal in this film. I love the wigs. And I’m sure no one agrees with me on this point but I even like her voice actress. Hey, look it’s Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond as Grossi’s wife! I hardly recognized her with seeing eyes. Ah, poor Marie. Poor French bastard didn’t know what he was getting into when he started dating Anna.

Oh, by the way, I’m still watching the old busted ass Troma DVD of this movie. I haven’t picked up the Blue Underground disc yet. I still can’t get over the outright shittiness and incompetence of Troma Studios. Yeah, I get it. They’re a joke. They’re movies are a joke and they’re shitcan DVDs are a joke but they could have at least treated this one film with some respect.

5:54pm – Dinner

Zac and Stephanie take their leave of the marathon. They have both been run pretty ragged so it’s good that they make a break for it. Are they the lucky ones? The Phantom is coming… LeEtta and I make a food and wine run. The world looks weird. We get some Wendy’s and I order something… a creature… it’s THE BACONATOR!

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“I’m not a phantom. I’m a rat.”

6:39pm – The Phantom Of The Opera

LeEtta said this is a fun one and I agree. Fun for all the wrong reasons! Is this Argento’s worst film or his most misunderstood film? Well… it’s definitely uneven. If he could have just stuck with the comedy and/or horror and skipped the deplorable melodrama (and I normally love melodrama). There is a great deal of wickedly black and outrageous humor to be found in this film.

Hey, it’s Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni, that chick from Opera, as Christine’s maid. I don’t really dig the Baron (played by Andrea Di Stefano). Get behind me Satan! The sets are gorgeous and the music is excellent. Ennio Morricone strikes again. Of course, it’s hard to hear the music over the screaming and the screaming and the screaming.

Did I ever tell you that Julian Sands (Warlock) is awesome? Well, fuck yeah, he is. Lots and lots of rats. And I guess there’s no rule saying that the Phantom has to be disfigured (I’ve never been all that attached to the story). Hell, Sands is like a Nordic god or something (or is that a body double?).

LeEtta raises a point: The gore in this movie is some of the most extreme and over-the-top in Argento’s films. Sergio Stivaletti and company really outdo themselves. A woman’s tongue is pulled out by its root, a man is impaled on a stalagmite, and another man has his finger munched on by rats to the bone. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

The computer generated sky and the rat catching machine, oh my god. This reminds of the debacle that is Wax Mask. The dialogue is cheesed out and so many of the scenes are awkward. With Phantom, Argento redefines the word decadent. Sort of a chocolate covered corndog of a film. There really is no other way to describe it. Oh and Asia gets nekkid. Sooooo… Nekkid.

“CHRISTINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I have found a new appreciation for this unholy beast of a film. When Christine catches the Phantom lovin’ on his rats… Um… Sweet Jesus. I should have held Zac and Stephanie and gunpoint and made them sit through this. Of course, The Phantom Of The Opera overstays its welcome as the ending plays out like a slowly dying animal.

8:18pm – Short Break

We check out an interview with Julian Sands on the Phantom Of The Opera DVD to see if he can provide some insight on what the damn hell we just watched. Nothing. Richie calls to say that he and Barbi are on their way. Two more souls for our Argentonian feast. Word.

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“Suzy, do you know anything about witches?”

8:31pm – Suspiria

Finally, we are here. The home stretch. Oh doctor, I have such a crush on Jessica Harper. Somebody give that woman a sammich. I never could understand the point of the friggin’ narration at the beginning. Whose idea was it? This film and Phenomena both have abandoned narration.

Sorry, kids, but reality is no longer yours. Everything will destroy you. Every doorway, every color, and every note of the horribly beautiful music winds us up. Everything. Suspiria is a Day-Glo red-tinted trap. It never feels thirty years old. Not for a second.

Are those Dario’s monstrous hands that do the killing? They seem otherworldly as does the neon red blood. An exposed heart, a woman’s face pulled through a window (take a shot), a throat torn out, and much more. I love how the witches are feeding off the girls at the dance academy. Destroying their bodies and feeding off their souls.

I just realized that Suzy Banyan has stepped into Hell. Dance school Hell, that is. Even the girls at the school are awful. Every moment just turns into another nightmare. The most mundane scenes are ratcheted up with tension and strangeness.

And look at that: my friends, Richie and Barbi, arrive just in time for the maggot rain. Richie brings some Yuengling Lager! You know, happiness is a very young Udo Kier delivering the fucking gibberish. When your TV is exploding, you know it’s the finale of Suspiria. It’s one of the most complete horror experiences.

argentophobia-inferno

“You are being watched.”

10:15pm – Inferno

Now for Inferno, the enigma. The weird one. The color palette is even more invasive than in Suspiria. None of this is real. Or is it? Wow, this movie tries to destroy you. Don’t believe me? Just listen to Keith Emerson’s soundtrack. How come every library doesn’t have an alchemist? This film is definitely growing on me.

Images come by fast and furious. You can barely keep your feet beneath you. This film is visually stunning and endlessly perplexing. I have learned to just let it go because the witches have the advantage. Don’t even try to escape. It’s already too late.

The ridiculously long death of a bookseller gets on my nerves. That, my friends, is the creepiest butler of all time. The movie definitely doesn’t perplex me nearly as much as it used to. This is the closest to Lucio Fulci that Argento ever got. This is Argento’s The Beyond. Both directors went for weird and it all paid off.

Now I’m sure that Argento has a grand design in mind for every tiny detail and subtle nuance in Inferno but I’ll be damned if the plot doesn’t just seem like a collection of totally random moments that only take place for aesthetic value. Are setpieces the only end? The music queues just seem totally arbitrary. Mark finds a crawlspace and all musical shit breaks out.

Things start to spin out of control as Leigh McCloskey’s mustache starts to drive us bonkers. Who is that nurse? That actress… Is that Martha (Veronica Lazar) from The Beyond? My God, I think it is! The Euro-Cult nerd that lives in my brain just started breakdancing.

I still can’t talk myself into liking that ending. I’m thinking that Argento was going for a classic Italian horror kind of a thing or maybe something even older. Perhaps he saw a woodblock print that scared him as a child or something. Either way, Richie and Barbi aren’t convinced.

12:08am – Short Break

Richie, Barbi, and I retreat to the patio for a smoke and drink break. We’re getting pretty seriously wrecked at this point. Things get silly but I have to stay focused. Nothing to do but march onward.

argentophobia-tenebre

“I only drink when I’m on duty.”

12:46am – Tenebre

Utter confusion breaks out with Anthony Franciosa riding his bike on the freeway. I really have no answer for that one. Even more confusion is caused when I hint that one of the actresses is transgendered. The sometimes sexually confused and always sleazy characters just never stop popping up.

That continuous shot around the entire house; does it help or hurt? Argento goes so over the top with this film but in a totally different manner than Suspiria and Inferno. I love how the brilliant color scheme of the last two films has been replaced with drab whites and grays only occasionally interrupted by gouts of bright red.

Could this be where the giallo and the slasher merge? There’s something about the music, the fleeing teenager, the almighty POV shot, and the overly lit sets that just scream Slasher. Argento still doing the classic Giallo but with an eye for the trends.

Veronica Lario plays the ill-fated Jane and for me, she’s an Italian horror icon that never was. Aside from having one of the most memorable death scenes in all of Argento’s films, Lario also has the classic Hollywood beauty that just infects my mind and I can’t stop looking at her.

I love the misdirection in the park scene with good old John Saxon. The whole thing feels like Hitchcock. Dang, that final reveal is so satisfying. Call me an idiot but I never saw it coming. “A book!!!” There’s no shortage of blood spilled here. Argento was a man on fire in the 1980s. The screaming won’t stop. Not for me. Not for another movie.

2:26am – Short Break

Richie and Barbi leave but they wish me luck on their way out. I need it.

argentophobia-phenomena

“I love you. I love all of you.”

2:35am – Phenomena

The next three sentences are totally true. This is my favorite Dario Argento film. This is my favorite Italian horror film. This is my favorite horror movie of all time!

Ever since I saw this as Creepers when I was 12 or 13 years old, I can find no wrong in Phenomena. I can’t think about the subtext that Argento may or may not be trying to convey right now. I’m too far gone. After years and years of repeatedly watching this film, I find nothing more in it than total entertainment. I cannot be dissuaded from thinking of this as the perfect horror film.

That being said, what the fuck is with the heavy metal? This is where Dario’s indiscriminate love of heavy metal started. Good songs chosen with no regard to lyrical content. Iron Maiden’s “Flash Of The Blade” is about duelists, for God’s sake! Okay, so maybe “Ace Of Spades” could be about anything but it still sounds like shit on the soundtrack and it’s totally out of place. The rest of Phenomena’s soundtrack is haunting, eerie, and beautiful but it is stained by the inappropriateness of the two heavy metal numbers. I’m a metalhead and even I can’t buy this.

One of the greatest character actors of all time, Donald Pleasence, delivers his performance of Professor John McGregor with a morbid sincerity. They guy is totally convincing as a renowned entomologist even while he is speaking the goofiest dang dialogue. Pleasence easily mesmerizes me into believing his every word.

The scenes underneath Frau Bruckner’s house are truly horrifying and are bursting with that Italian horror sensibility. That indescribable grim and claustrophobic feeling I get from the horror films of Joe D’Amato and Lucio Fulci. Making the most of a deceptively minimalist set seems to be the trick. The wild plot and the childish logic of Phenomena go hand in hand. I’m wide-eyed and nodding, taking in every twist like it makes sense.

The places where this film takes me, these are infernal places. Don’t worry. You’ll never come back. Alice skips Wonderland and goes straight to Hell with about a million creepy crawlies to guide her way. As Jennifer Connelly is swimming away from danger and rinsing off the filth of the corpse pit, that moment, I’m nailed to the spot and I’m on the verge of tears. I’m so fucking happy. Ladies and gentlemen… MONKEY WITH A STRAIGHT RAZOR! This is the complete package. Horror will never be this good again, beeyatch.

4:29am – The End

I am really going down for the count here, folks. My eyes are swimming and my body feels like it was assembled wrong. Good night. Good morning. Good night.

Conclusion

The next day I woke up in pain. LeEtta came in with the cats at 9:30 in the morning and I felt fucking horrible. My only instinct was to watch more Argento. I wanted Four Flies On Grey Velvet all over again, maybe Deep Red just one more time, and I wanted to get to the movies I’d left out of the moviethon. Why did I cut Do You Like Hitchcock? again? I thought I liked that one. If only I had a decent copy of Sleepless (stupid Artisan DVD pan and scan!)…

I was actually saddened at the end of this experience. After Doomed Fulci-Thon, I felt totally satisfied. But with Argentophobia, I ended up just wanting more. All I can do now is think about the next moviethon. Something even more involved and yet more random. I need the world to stay looking weird. Thanks to having watched 13 of Dario Argento’s films in less than 36 hours, everything should stay in its proper aspect ratio.

Argento Drinking Game Rules

Take a drink when any of the following happens:

A woman’s head crashes through a window

The killer puts black gloves on

The killer caresses and/or fondles their weapons

A limb is severed

Harvey Keitel screams “Meow! Meow!”

Asia Argento gets naked

Someone is killed by a sculpture

Eye violence

Animal violence

Monkey with a straight razor