Sometimes horror movies don’t exist. Who’s to say that those faux films can’t have their own soundtracks? Good news, my friends, they totally can! This is where FAUXRROR (Nafa Fa’alogo, Richard Glenn Schmidt, and Zac Tomlinson) swoops in and creates the sonic landscapes for all those nonexistent films. You can get FAUXRROR from Goblinhaus Records. With every order of Fauxrror, you get a link to download “Terror”, Richard of Doomed Moviethon’s synth-laden tribute to real horror movies! Once you do that, come back right here and read the plots and production histories for each film that never happened.
The FAUXsters and the FAUXnopses:
Terror Mexicano de Selva
AKA Mexican Jungle Terror
Released: 1967, 1975 (re-release)
Country Of Origin: Mexico
Director: John Stanley (AKA Juan Stanzos)
Starring: Nob Jordan, Juan Masalientadas, Charlton Heston
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
This very hard-to-find cannibal/zombie/vampire film shot in the jungles and back roads near residential areas in Tijuana and Ensenada. Using shock stock footage of very real cannibal rituals, amateur theatre students, and very rough jump-cut editing, this is probably the greatest Mondo horror exploitation film of all time. Directed by Mexico’s own, Juan Stanzos (credited in the American version as John Stanley), you’ll be hard pressed to find a film that is as sickening and silly as this one. In the mid-70s, Mexican Jungle Terror was re-dubbed with narration by Charlton Heston and dialogue by Italian voice actors when it was released in Europe and the United States. This film hit the old drive-ins and grindhouse theaters with a vengeance only to disappear into near total obscurity.
The Night Of The Cougar Nurse
(AKA La Notte Dell’Infermiera Del Cougar)
Released: 1974
Country Of Origin: Italy
Director: Gino T. Enzolianili
Starring: Feza Schaurzenhoof, Ivan Rassimov, Florinda Bolkan, Edwige Fenech, Joe Flaherty
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
German sexpot Feza Schaurzenhoof plays Inga, a nurse working in a hospital in Rome, who is plagued by nightmares of a monstrous psychopathic nurse in a cougar mask that stalks the halls of the hospital making love to and mutilating the male patients. When the murders from her dreams turn out to be real, it is up to Inga to determine if she is having psychic visions of these crimes or something far more sinister. The hospital chief of staff, Dr. Dani (played by Ivan Rassimov), tries hypnotherapy on Inga in order to learn the truth before its too late.
This awful Giallo with supernatural (I guess) overtones must be seen to be believed. A deer in headlights, German “actress” Feza Schaurzenhoof is absolutely dreadful and only manages to maintain viewer interest by constantly disrobing and allowing her naked form to be splattered with gallons of fake blood. Not surprisingly, Gino T. Enzolianili, responsible for nearly 30 Spaghetti Westerns and a dozen Peplum (sword and sandal) flicks, retired from film-making immediately after this film was released.
Die Nacht des Tageslichtes Zombies
AKA Night of the Daylight Zombies
Released: 1977
Country Of Origin: Germany
Director: Herman Menschenfresser
Writer: Adrien Biermann
Starring: Adalberto Russo, Placida De Luca, Elke Sommer, and Kazimierz Wojciechowski
Composer: Zac Tomlinson
Armin (Adalberto Russo) and Asta Michaelis (Placida De Luca) are newlyweds on their honeymoon in a remote area of southern Germany. Unknown to them, Dr. Franz Grossmann (Kazimierz Wojciechowski) has been performing horrifying necromantic experiments inside his nearby castle. Determined to exact his revenge on the nearby town for embarrassingly exiling him from the city, Dr. Grossmann has been stealing the recently dead bodies of the townspeople and turning them into zombies. One day while enjoying their peaceful honeymoon, Armin and Asta are attacked by zombies. They manage to fight them off – but just barely. Soon they meet a local (a surprise cameo that you will never believe!) who knows of Dr. Grossmann’s infernal plans. With him, they soon formulate a plan to defeat the horde of daylight zombies.
Herman Menschenfresser’s first foray into the horror genre is a competent attempt, although a bit naive. There is plenty of suspense, but the very nature of the zombies (operating only during the day) makes the movie less frightening than it could have been. Adrien Biermann’s script is about as original as any zombie flick from the 1970s can be. The film was a huge success in Germany, but not critically acclaimed. It didn’t fare as well in foreign markets, so it is difficult to find in the States. Copies of it are worth big bucks on eBay. If you’re a fan of 1970s German horror, you shouldn’t pass this film up. But I would suggest passing up the next two movies in the series.
Beware The Flod
Released: 1971
Country Of Origin: US
Director: Tony Aristomash
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, Mimsy Farmer, Ethel Merman
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Ah, Flod, or as I like to call it: ‘The Flawed’. This snoozer has been bouncing around in the public domain for over 25 years and it just won’t stay down thanks to its small but loyal fan base. Due to some incredible mismanagement on the part of Glass Foot Productions and director Tony Aristomash no one actually owns the rights to this film. A year after its release and surprisingly successful drive-in run, Paramount Pictures sued over the similarities between Flod and The Blob. Once it was discovered that the film’s entire proceeds went to The Church of Latter Day Saints, the case was dismissed.
A science experiment gone horribly awry and left for dead in the Arizona desert terrorizes locals and tourists alike. Described in some of the dialogue as ‘the bloody burning blob’, the monster is little more than innards, teeth, and pulsing energy with the ability to burn and devour its victims. A university professor (played by Cameron Mitchell) discovers that Flod is allergic to Freon and can be neatly captured in ice cube trays. With the help of a high school math teacher (Mimsy Farmer), the professor develops a mathematical equation which determines the number of ice cube trays needed to defeat the monster. The government is (understandably) unwilling to use his formula and instead brings in the army and national guard who are both easily crushed by Flod. Ethel Merman plays Meredith Baxtermaker, the aging heir to an ice cube tray dynasty and the only hope for mankind.
Bloody Insect Punk Rape Good Time
Released: 1981
Country Of Origin: Japan
Director: Splash Izumi
Starring: Unknown
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
This experimental film is widely regarded as Splash Izumi’s lost masterpiece. In a bleak future time, gangs of mutated and horny insect-like punk rockers terrorize the urban landscape of Shinjuku. Not much else is known of this obscure film. Rumor has it that Izumi destroyed the original print after the explicit nature of the film caused a riot at the Kyoto film festival but most sources cannot confirm this story. Keen and very lucky bootleggers have been able to track down 4th and 5th generation VHS dubs (with no subtitles) but as of yet, this film has never had an official release.
El Wombat Con El Asno Llameante
(AKA The Wombat with the Flaming Ass AKA The Stabbing Fire Killer)
Released: 1972
Country Of Origin: Spain, France, Italy
Director: Jess Franco (as Lyle Heat)
Starring: Jacinto Molina, Jeanine Coudoux, Klaus Kinski, and Perla Cristal
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
A serial murderer is mutilating and setting fire to the bodies of high profile fashion models. The only clues are clumps of wombat hair left at the scene of each crime. Former police inspector and current alcoholic Alfonso Albanchez (played by Jacinto Molina) is reinstated into the police force and given the case because of his expertise in Australian mammals. The case takes a turn when it is discovered that Albanchez’s psychotic twin brother has escaped from an asylum.
I am astounded that horror legend Paul Naschy AKA Jacinto Molina agreed to star in this Spanish, French, and Italian giallo-esque monstrosity. His dual roles are well-played by the actor but the amateurish split screen effects are abysmal. When the brothers start juggling knives like their days in the Australian circus, the actor’s superimposed hands are clearly not his own. French pop singer Jeanine Coudoux makes her acting debut and swan song as the alcoholic inspector’s estranged fashion model wife and is often blamed for the film’s failure. I think it has more to do with the seven writers and the perpetually eccentric Franco that did his best to save this piece of shit. While I’m told this has its fans, I just don’t get it. Keep an eye out for Perla Cristal as the kindly nun. [Spoiler Alert] Klaus Kinski is terribly miscast here as the killer with unhealthy fascinations for both wombats and fashion models.
Horrorcane
AKA In The Eye of Hell
Released: 1993
Country Of Origin: US/Bermuda
Director: Abe Tubefeld
Starring: Richard Johnson, Lily Brostoburner, Fairuza Balk
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
It is pretty astounding that a movie as offensive as this could have been made. What isn’t so astounding is that it came from the mind of sleazeball producer/writer/director Abe Tubefeld. Tubefeld was a legend of the 70s exploitation boom and yet Horrorcane (a disaster of a disaster film) turned out to be the last hurrah. What should have been a quiet tax write-off for his investors, Tubefeld promoted this movie as the zombie genre’s Gone With The Wind (clever, I know) and released the film during hurricane season less than a year after the destruction of Hurricane Andrew. Not to mention the film’s awkward (and blatantly racist) handling of its Haitian characters (the zombies). The end result: a massive campaign against the film’s release which caused theaters around the country to instantly refuse to play it.
Haitian corpses are caught up in a hurricane which carries the bodies over a leaking nuclear reactor. The corpses become radioactive zombies and end up in a boarded up and powerless Miami at sundown, thus leaving the residents trapped inside their homes and without means of news or communication. It is up to meteorologist Shane Dartmouth (played by Richard Johnson) and plucky news correspondent Jane Duncan (played by adult film actress Lily Brostoburner), to try and warn the inhabitants of Miami of the danger as well as fight off the hordes of the radioactive undead.
Doll Parts
Released: 1986
Country Of Origin: Hong Kong/Singapore
Director: Pomson Leung
Starring: Anthony Wong, Anita Mui, Richard Harrison
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Good luck finding this rare gem. Some legal issues over the release of the Thai DVD have made this film almost impossibly obscure. It’s a shame too since this very offbeat, gory, funny, and sexy flick is actually quite good. Though the film is mostly quite tame, scenes involving Anthony Wong’s character “making love” to some mannequins earned this a CAT III rating.
The story involves a small-time “British” fashion designer, Henry Lu (played by Anthony Wong), who shoots to super-stardom with his line of clothing that seems to fit perfectly. His secret: his mannequins are made from the plastic-encased corpses of high fashion models. Richard Harrison kung-fu chops his way through suspects as the embittered Interpol agent. When the designer falls in love with his next victim, a lesbian hand-model named Becky Jordan (played by Anita Mui), hilarity and horror ensues. Filmed on the streets of Jurong (doubling as the city of London).
Auf Menschen Jagd Machen
AKA Preying Upon Humans
Released: 1984
Country Of Origin: Germany
Director: Herman Menschenfresser
Writer: Adrien Biermann
Starring: Adalberto Russo, Placida De Luca, Karin Dor, and Henry Frankson
Composer: Zac Tomlinson
Herman Menschenfresser and Adrien Biermann team up again for this sequel to the 1977 film “Die Nacht des Tageslichtes Zombies”. Unfortunately, this film is nowhere near the gem that its predecessor is. After many failed films from Menschenfresser and with Biermann unable to even give a script away, they decided it was time to make a sequel to their most successful movie. Adalberto Russo and Placida De Luca reprise their roles as Armin and Asta Michaelis. Henry Frankson plays the zombie son of Dr. Franz Grossmann, Helmut Grossmann. Determined to get revenge on the killers of his father, Helmut abducts local women to build a new zombie army through disgusting necrophillic rites. He hunts down Armin and Asta, and an uninspiring climax is the result.
Unlike “Die Nacht des Tageslichtes Zombies”, this film has no charm at all. The special effects are downright atrocious, the acting is elementary and painful to watch, and the writing and directing are absolutely uninspired. The soundtrack is the best part of the whole film. Auf Menschen Jagd Machen was a bomb both in Germany and abroad, making this film even harder to find than its predecessor. Maybe some DVD company will take pity on this poor film and bring it to the salivating hordes of zombie film aficionados.
Alti Cinque Con Il Davolo
(AKA High Five With The Devil)
Released: 1979
Country Of Origin: Italy, Spain
Director: Andrea Montiponinino
Starring: Maxine Bruche, Ray Lovelock, Tomas Milian, and Jesus DeAmistad
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
Marie (played by Maxine Bruche) and her husband Paul (Ray Lovelock) are traveling through the Spanish countryside on their honeymoon when they get into a car accident with Mark Davis, a British aristocrat (Tomas Milian) visiting his summer vacation home in order to throw a party. Mark encourages the couple to stay at his villa for the night while their cars are being repaired by the local mechanic. His eccentric party guests (actually the members of a Satanic cult) begin a black magic ritualistic orgy of blood sacrifices and goat-cavorting. Paul and Marie must run for their lives after they discover that their young flesh plays a terrifyingly important role in the midnight black mass. Satan himself (Jesus DeAmistad in a bizarre cameo) shows up in the guise of a fish merchant to tempt the young couple into sampling the fresh devilfish.
A highly controversial and unusual horror film from Montiponinino. This film caused a major uproar in Spain upon its initial release. Apparently, the censors didn’t catch the fact that actor and political activist Jesus DeAmistad plays the devil AND a fish vendor. Threats upon his life from the Spanish fishing community caused DeAmistad to flee the country. Trouble also found director Montiponinino as he was excommunicated from the Catholic Church for having directed this thing. In a recent interview, Tomas Milian seems to be the only one proud of the film (even if it’s only for his own performance).
Death Number 4
Released: 1973
Country Of Origin: Hong Kong
Director: Franklin Bo
Starring: Francis Doujhe, Daoming Chen
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Most viewers will notice just how far ahead of its time Death Number 4 truly was. Amazingly, the film never lays on any painful Chinese or Japanese stereotypes. At its worst, the film is both anti-American and anti-Communist propaganda. At its best, Death Number 4 is an incredibly thrilling (though highly improbable) proto-slasher film. The killings are especially bloody and there is a surprising amount of nudity in the “Go-Go-Go Sweet Dance Brothel” scene.
Armed with an array of swords and scimitars, an American mass murderer and rogue spy (played by Francis Doujhe) makes his way to Tokyo and performs a series of serial killings while donning a blue suit and a Mao Tse Tung mask. His mission is to stir up anti-Chinese sentiment in hopes of igniting a war with China. Much surprising political intrigue ensues.
Trivia: Look for an uncredited Jackie Chan as the errand boy in the pork-shop swordplay sequence.
London Crawling
AKA Les Zombies avec Le Poisson et Ecaille et un Accent
Released: 1999
Country Of Origin: UK
Director: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Vinnie Jones, Jewel, Rowan Atkinson
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Post apocalyptic England gets zombified by Guy Ritchie. Think of this one as Dawn of the Dead from the British perspective. I really wasn’t too thrilled with this film. It’s sort of a zanier prototype for Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later. The sped up chase sequences complete with Benny Hill music are just too outlandish to be scary. However, the Benny Hill zombie in the bellhop uniform is pretty great. Jewel is miscast in her role as Edwina the down-on-her-luck bartender and her British accent is as uneven as her performance. Vinnie Jones on the other hand makes for a perfect antihero as Jo-Jo. Obviously, the worst decision Guy Ritchie made is the “Mr. Bean” tie-in. In recent interviews, Ritchie claims this was studio interference but I find this highly unlikely since Rowan Atkinson is, in fact, godfather to he and Madonna’s first child: Goober Ritchie.
[Spoiler] This is my major contention with this film: After Jo-Jo is bitten and turns into a zombie, it pretty much goes against every rule in the zombie film book that he would not only retain his mental faculties but also get super human strength. WTF?
Xenonecrodroids: After The Fall Of Chicago 1999
Released: 1982
Country Of Origin: Italy
Director: Guiseppe Peppini
Starring: Grace Jones, George Eastman, Paololo
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
After a nuclear apocalypse leaves the United States and most of the modern world a shell of its former self, a group of heroes led by Stife Frank (played by George Eastman) rises up from the ashes to try and form a new and peaceful government. Unfortunately, a bloodthirsty warlord, known only as The Wrash (played by Italian folk guitar legend Paololo), has banded together all of America’s remaining biker gangs and is terrorizing the helpless citizens of what he calls his “New-clear Nation”. Just as Stife and The Wrash are about a face off, an even more deadly menace arrives by way of flying saucers and lands in the middle of Chicago. Manshee (Grace Jones) is the queen of a mysterious Dead Planet and she is here take what is left of Earth as her own. Her army of a million alien robot zombies (called Xenonecrodroids) begin to lay waste to the wasted land. It is up to Earth’s last hero and its cruelest tyrant to join forces and defeat the zombie queen.
You have to give Guiseppe Peppini his props for attempting to pull this one off. The imagination behind this film is staggering. The budget behind it however is… way, way less. After a barrage of war stock footage and Rod Steiger’s overwrought narration, the film finally begins. It is clear from the moment we see “Chicago” that is a hodgepodge of painted backdrops and what appears to be some abandoned Spaghetti Western ghost towns. The casting is a genre film fanatic’s dream with everyone going out of their way to bring their larger-than-life characters to life. Grace Jones has never been better.
The most unfortunate flaw with Xenonecrodroids is the use of stock footage from another horror movie during the alien robot zombie scenes. When Stife removes a helmet from one of the creatures and we finally see what we’ve waiting for, we get clips from Herman Menschenfresser’s German zombie opus Night Of The Daylight Zombies! This caused quite a stir in the European film community as an international lawsuit broke out causing the film to be pulled from theaters after a very successful opening. Available only on Japanese laserdisc, Xenonecrodroids is a lot of fun but still remains disappointing thanks to Peppini’s “talent” for cutting corners.
Der Teich von der Zombiefroesche
AKA The Pond of the Zombie Frogs
Released: 1994
Country Of Origin: Germany
Director: Adalberto Russo
Writer: Adalberto Russo
Starring: Placida De Luca and Herman Menschenfresser
Composer: Zac Tomlinson
The third (and final) installment of the zombie horror trilogy started by Herman Menschenfresser and Adrien Biermann. As if the second film wasn’t horrible enough, this bomb was dropped on the public in the early 90s. After “Auf Menschen Jagd Machen” failed, it ruined the careers of all involved. Writer Adrien Biermann committed suicide after the premier of “Auf Menschen…” and Adalberto Russo, in a desperate bid to save his waning career, wrote a script for a third movie and managed to convince the remaining cast -those who hadn’t drank themselves to death by now- to try one more time for success. Herman Menschenfresser stars in this film, rather than directing it, and does about as good a job acting as he did directing the previous film.
The plot is laughable at best. At the end of the last film, Preying Upon Humans, the body of Helmut Grossmann, the zombie son of Dr. Franz Grossmann, was thrown into a remote pond. His corpse defiles the body of water, mutating the population of frogs into zombies. Henry Frankson, who played Helmut in the previous film, refused to sign on to this one. To get around this speed bump, the corrupted soul of Helmut is transferred into the largest of the frogs, where he tries once again to avenge the death of his father. Rather than being frightening, the film is comedic. If you want a good laugh and don’t mind losing a few brain cells in the process, pick this film up. Unlike the other two movies, there are many copies of the Mill Creek DVD of Zombiefroesche floating around (usually in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart under the title “The Haunted Frog Bog”).
The Charnel House on Tickle Kitten Lake
Released: 1979
Country Of Origin: United States
Director: James Thistlestuffer
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, Marilyn Chambers, and Udo Kier
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
Maverick filmmaker James Thistlestuffer directed this semi-sequel to his massively popular independent horror film: Ghousthouseboat. Finally backed with the finances of a major studio, Thistlestuffer really comes into his own with this incredible (though at the time practically unmarketable) ghost tale. The shortsighted critics at the time deemed The Charnel House On Tickle Kitten Lake as too dense, too unentertaining, and too affected to be understood. Thankfully, time has been very kind to the film as it is now once of the most highly regarded art films of the last century.
What I love about Charnel House is that it constantly shifts perspectives once the Raper family moves into their new home. Something that most audiences didn’t understand at the time was the camera angles are jumping from each member of the family (including the pets), the ghosts, and a family of spiders inhabiting the corners. Thistlestuffer wanted to disorientate the viewer so that they would understand the paradox of the ghost mother’s grief for her dead ghost sons who, in fact, actually died back to life.
One unspoken notion of the film is that Striker Raper (Cameron Mitchell) has an eating disorder but pretends that it is just a stuttering problem so severe that it causes food to fly from his fingers. Udo Kier, in a career-defining role as Jessup, the Civil War lieutenant ghost, who has an affair with Mrs. Raper (played by Marilyn Chambers) subverts the fractals caused by the family’s sub-literal “raping” of the ghosts’ consciousness. However, the fact that the paradigm has already shifted is the most haunting aspect of The Charnel House On Tickle Kitten Lake. It’s just simply chilling and beautiful. I must also note that it’s well worth your time making it through the 4 and a half hour director’s cut.
Vampire Ravers
Release: July, 1996
Country of Origin: The Netherlands, Germany
Director: Guy LePlur
Composer: Zac Tomlinson
Starring: Johannes Naaktgeboren, Nina Rotmensen, Adrian Zeldenthuis, Tomas Timmerman, and Franka Potente
An ancient evil is disturbed by the booming bass from a nearby nightclub. Count Van de Groot (Johannes Naaktgeboren) rises from his hidden sanctuary to find thousands of ravers high on Ecstasy. Since he has not fed in centuries, he takes advantage of their impaired state of mind and began feeding upon them. The fact that raves last all night means he can feed as he pleases. Nobody at the club notices anything wrong until it is time to go home.
When they find that some of their comrades in dance are missing, Fridja Piest (Nina Rotmensen) and Peter Poepjes (Adrian Zeldenthuis) suspect that the Count, the “old dude” with no rhythm and a fashion sense that is hundreds of years out of date, must be the culprit. After witnessing their friend, Sabre (played by Tomas Timmerman), vanish underneath the Count’s cape, their suspicions are confirmed: they’ve been glowsticking with a vampire!
Filmed at the height of the rave scene in the Netherlands, Vampire Ravers was director/writer Guy LePlur’s attempt at fusing rave culture and the horror genre. Unfortunately, Guy discovered the public wasn’t ready for such a match. The film tanked on release, grossing 15,000,000 guilder, a fraction of the 250,000,000 guilder budget. Vampire Ravers has had much better luck finding an audience since its arrival on DVD and there are rumors of a sequel. Keep an eye out for a young Franka Potente in the rave sequence. The story goes that she was on holiday attending a rave and wasn’t aware a film was being made.
Moribund Summer
Released: 2007
Country Of Origin: United States
Director: Eldrich Necronomico
Starring: Gemini Staralert, Stormdrain Axecloud, Gore Vital, and John Lydon
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
This is why you should never write and direct a horror film based on the songs of your death grind goth metal band. Well, I guess you could but just don’t do it this badly. Eldrich Necronomico is the mastermind behind this shit-festival starring his girlfriend, Gemini Staralert, and members of his Tampa-based band, Nyarlathotep Enema. Although this film has something to do with H.P. Lovecraft, I can’t quite find the connection. Moribund Summer is a SOV (shot-on-video) campground-themed Slasher that falls prey to all the usual indie horror technical mistakes: poor lighting, dreadful sound, etc.
To make matters worse, the film is overloaded with uninspired and repetitive digital postproduction effects. The writing is terrible as the film is basically plotless and the dialogue features characters speaking their thoughts out loud when it is pretty friggin’ obvious what they are thinking. The fact that the frequently nude Gemini Staralert (who can’t act to save her life) plays all four female roles (in different wigs) that all just happen to get disemboweled in the exact same manner is pretty annoying too. Recycling Final Cut Pro’s editing effects is one thing, but when you recycle your gore, I’m out. And how in the hell did they get John Lydon (credited as “Johnny Robbin”) to play a camp counselor?
Zombie Hitler And His Irradiated Army Of The Dead
Released: 2005
Country Of Origin: US (made for TV)
Director: Alan Smithee
Starring: Ben Savage, Tony Danza, Treat Williams, Tina Yothers
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Oh, Sci-Fi Channel, when are you going to get one right? This incompetent alternate history horror film is hampered by its awful performances from the washed up cast and reliance on substandard CGI sequences. The over-the-top quality of the plot will appeal to most horror movie folks but even the most promising of the elements, the Nazi zombies and the Mussolini Werewolf (Tony Danza), are so ineptly staged that it’s just pathetic. And speaking of miscast… Treat Williams makes the least convincing Albert Einstein of all time.
Hitler escapes the bunker and ends up in a secret underground fortress beneath the North Sea. There, his hordes have created a secret channel under the sea to the Netherlands where thousands of the strongest and most “racially pure” Nazi soldiers have been turned into irradiated uber-soldiers. Two years after World War 2 officially ended it all begins again.
Betsy The Bloody Harlot Of The Brooklyn Morgue
(AKA Betsy Whore Van De Graven)
Released: 1983
Country Of Origin: Belgium
Director: Phillipe Oost
Starring: Phaedre Lepere, Barbara Bouchet, Adolfo Celli, Barry Bostwick
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
Still banned in 59 countries, this nauseating nihilistic piece of gore-sleaze from Belgium’s own Phillipe Oost, still manages to shock and offend after the 25 years since its release. With at least a dozen different titles and a myriad of various cuts, a truly uncensored version of this film probably doesn’t exist. The scandal and subsequent criminal charges brought against Oost’s immoral fundraising for the film caused his production company to go bankrupt and probably have made this film even more famous than it should be. Known stars like Bouchet and Bostwick (poor Adolfo Celli just looks confused during his scenes) only add to this eye-opening mess’s infamy.
The story (if you can call it that) follows Betsy (played by Belgian porn star, Phaedre Lepere), an overworked and underpaid secretary who escapes the drudgery of her job by fantasizing about her nightly visitations to the morgue where she lets her necrophilia run wild. When her constant daydreaming gets her fired, Betsy goes on a rampage through the streets of “Brooklyn” (actually downtown Brussels) with a killing machine of her own design which is powered by her scissoring legs. How much of the plot is dream and how much is reality is anybody’s guess. One thing’s for sure, the maggot-laden nun-abortion finale will stay with the viewer long after the final credits roll.
The Kill’O Byter
Released: 1982
Country Of Origin: United States, New Zealand
Director: J. Fortnight
Starring: Mack Cullin, Shanice Trevors, Bruno Lawrence, and Donald Pleasence
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
After 12-year-old Sam Ramfan (played by Mack Cullin) testifies in court against the brutal serial killer Jack Boflue (played by New Zealand’s own Bruno Lawrence) who he witnessed killing his mother, he feels as though his troubles are over. Unfortunately for Sam, his older sister Mandy (played by the luscious 80s centerfold Shanice Trevors) is now his legal guardian and she wants nothing to do with him. At a wild party thrown on the night of Jack Boflue’s electrocution, one of Mandy’s college-aged boyfriends accidentally pours his beer on Sam’s Commodore 64. The computer malfunctions and becomes a doorway to the spirit world, giving the recently deceased Boflue an ideal opportunity to once again take up his murderous ways and get revenge against the kid who helped put him away.
The Kill’O Byter is perhaps one of the wildest New Zealand exports of all time. As to why director J. Fortnight decided to transport the entire cast and crew to Corpus Christi, Texas is anyone’s guess. Trying too hard to appeal to the American market, perhaps? My guess is that a certain production company owned by a certain savings and loan probably needed the tax break but you didn’t hear that from me.
To put it plainly: this film is completely bonkers. First of all, the creepy sexual tension between brother and sister is just plain wrong. Just how many times can a little brother ‘accidentally’ walk in on his older sister while she’s in the buff. I know it’s meant to be titillating but god-damn, for a 12-year-old, child star Mack Cullin sure does leer at the ladies like an old man. Then we have the superb character actor, Bruno Lawrence, who obviously never turned down a job offer in his life. The scene where the computer sprouts legs, arms, and Lawrence’s head, and starts chasing around the half-naked (and later completely naked) Shanice Trevors is pure camp genius. Though the film clocks in at just 84 minutes, it moves at a snail’s pace. Be sure to stick around for the RadioShack showdown at the climax and keep your eyes peeled for Donald Pleasence’s wasted cameo as the warden.
The Twitchin’
Released: 1957
Country Of Origin: US
Director: Shill Chateau
Starring: Boris Karloff, Matt McDonough, Leslie Nielsen, and Andrea Lambshead
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
This is the ultimate greaser horror film! A mad scientist (Boris Karloff) sets traps and causes road accidents on a lonely stretch of road. Then by using a combination of science and sorcery, he resurrects the bodies to create the ultimate greaser terror gang. Their tell-tale sign: “The Twichin'”. Horror film gimmick pioneer Shill Chateau dreamed up this little scheme: he secretly rigged certain theater seats to ‘twitch’ in key moments during the film. This film was wildly successful and for good reason. Its campy plot, goofy dialogue, deadpan delivery, wild rock and roll, and gorgeous stark cinematography by Nicholas Musuraca make Twitchin’ a must see. Oh yeah, and fellas, you’re eyes will be riveted to the screen once you see the vivacious personality and gravity resistant VA-VA-VOOM of British actress and cult movie icon, Andrea Lambshead.
Bushiro
AKA Bushiro: The Nasty Mutant Beast (Australian VHS title)
Released: 1993
Country Of Origin: Japan
Director: Masakaki Agumimumiriri
Starring: Sakura Daikogama, Ichi Aichihiru, and Chazz Palminteri
Composer: Richard Glenn Schmidt
It’s very odd to see Chazz Palminteri pop up in this giant monster flick. The poor bastard chose to be immortalized in one of the most half-assed and totally ridiculous monster flicks of all time. Director Agumimumiriri, more accustomed to his famous Yakuza Skydiver movies is at a total loss with this turkey. The guy can’t stage a giant monster action sequence for shit yet somehow this film has found its cult following. Idol singer Sakura Dikogama’s then burgeoning acting career has yet to recover from this one.
Mad scientist, Dr. Aaki (played by Aichihiru), accidentally creates the creature named Bushiro after dumping his failed experiments with growth hormones into a lake behind his laboratory already polluted by a nearby nuclear reactor. Dr. Aaki discovers his creation the next morning and adopts it as the son he never had. He even kidnaps a hapless schoolgirl (played by Sakura Daikogama) to be his son’s wife. For some reason, an American federal agent (played by Palminteri) is called in to search for the missing girl and is also kidnapped by the crazy doctor. The creature goes berserk after it accidentally kills Dr. Aaki and its rage causes it to grow (?) 500 feet tall and go rampaging through Osaka. After a ton of plot and endless dialogue about how the monster came to be (though it hardly explains anything), the final rampage and showdown are both over in less than 8 minutes.
Claws: The Red Menace
AKA Robstaru
Released: 1953, 1966, 1978
Country Of Origin: Russia/Japan/US
Director: Frank Honer, Sho Masuketaki, Denjiro Masuketaki, Unknown
Starring: Donald Sutherland, Sonny Chiba, and Mayya Bulgakova
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo
Claws: The Red Menace has one of the most twisted production histories of all time. In 1966, Kaiju director extraordinaire, Sho Masuketaki, began filming a film called Robstaru, a giant crab-like monster. After shooting for only two weeks, Masuketaki suffered a fatal heart attack and the project was shelved by Toho Studios. Thirteen years later, Masuketaki’s son, Denjiro, now a respectable director in his own right, took the charge (plus his father’s footage) and began to work on the film with Sonny Chiba playing the hero. Tragically, an explosion on the set took Denjiro’s life after only three weeks into shooting. Believing the film to be cursed, Toho Studio’s board of directors sold all of the footage and rights to American film producer (and horror hack) Frank Honer.
Honer took the Japanese footage, some scenes from an incomplete thriller starring Donald Sutherland, and mashed them together with a 1950s Russian military propaganda film. He even went so far as to rent a lobster-costume and film himself stomping on his son’s army men. From the fully-realized Japanese creature to a guy in a torn lobster suit, Robstaru appears in the film in three different forms! None of the film stock matches and none of the scenes make sense in the order in which they’re presented. All of the black and white Russian footage is tinted with various colored gels which make them stand out even more. What Honer created is one of the most disjointed and freaky monster movies of all time.
And now for the plot: At the height of the Cold War, the Soviet Union releases its most secret weapon on its enemy: a monster Alaskan King Crab Lobster which is hell-bent on destroying the United States. Raised in a lab in the high north of Siberia by a deranged female scientist (played by Mayya Bulgakova), Robstaru is set loose in downtown Pittsburgh. Now a team of Japanese scientists (led by Sonny Chiba) and a defected KGB detective (Donald Sutherland) must come to the aid of America to stop the Robstaru, The Red Menace.
Kyojin Kirabiyaki Robotto
AKA Big Gay Robot
Released: 2019?
Country Of Origin: Japan
Director: Konichi Musomi
Starring: Riki Takeuchi
Composer: Zac Tomlinson
Kodokawa Pictures is still withholding information about their most recent giant robot horror musical, “Big Gay Robot”. Apparently, the initial test marketing way, way back in 2006 was disastrous and the film has been in the reshooting and reediting stage ever since. Director Konichi Musomi has said that the studio was never comfortable with his gay robot idea and they are having second thoughts. He has hinted in interviews that if the studio decides to drop the picture entirely, he will release the film at his own expense but this project has yet see the light of day.
The plot goes something like this… Gay Dr. Aki (played by Riki Takeuchi) has been in hiding over 50 years since his expulsion from the homophobic Japanese scientific community. The doctor has been very busy in the last half century as he has been building his giant gay robot. Equipped with a ray that turns straight people gay and gay people even gayer and a Gatling gun loaded with hetero-seekers, the robot rips through Tokyo in a rainbow rage. When it is discovered that bisexuals are immune to the ray, a bi-curious strikeforce is formed to combat Dr. Aki’s creation. Not a horror movie per se but the “exploding genital can of mace” takes this film to a very sick place from what I hear.
Clown Syndrome
Released: 1983
Country Of Origin: United States
Director: Rainer Dupoit
Starring Lesley Anne Warren, Shrub G. House, Brigitte Lahaie, and Tom Atkins
Composer: Nafa Fa’alogo, Zac Tomlinson, Richard Glenn Schmidt
The films of French-born arthouse pioneer, Rainer Dupoit, have always been something of a challenge to horror movie fans and Clown Syndrome is no exception. What is different here is that his normally obtuse manner of storytelling is replaced by a deceivingly simple plotline. And instead of his usually implied violence, the camera lingers on every death scene almost comically long as if to imprint the bloody images on the viewer’s subconscious.
Dupoit really wanted to make a commercially successful horror film and he actually pulled it off (though the road to success wasn’t a smooth one). One point of contention with fans of this film is what exactly defines a “director’s cut” of this film. Rumor has it that Dupoit’s original 9 hour cut enraged the MGM studio execs who threatened to sue the director if he didn’t bring them something they could use. Ever the iconoclast, Dupoit returned with a 19 minute version of the film which is said to have been nothing more than an outtake of a clown using the toilet. After this, the director was banned from the studio lot. Dupoit’s assistant director supervised another cut of the film with the editor and the 90 minute version became the theatrical version.
Not wanting to lose on their investment (and obviously pleased by the financial success of the film), MGM invited Dupoit back to take unused portions of his 9 hour cut to create sequels to Clown Syndrome. The sequels (11 in total) were also well received by horror fans. Rumors that Clown Syndrome 3D: Demons in a Clown Car is going into production have been confirmed for sometime next year.
The plot: In the summer of 1948, a mysterious circus rolls into the quiet town of Salmonburg, Pennsylvania. Everything seems normal and the people of the town are quite pleased to finally have some wholesome entertainment. But late at night, after the Ferris wheel lights go out, the clown car takes to the streets and people start disappearing. It seems that Mr. Tooters, the largest and cruelest of all the clowns, was born in Salmonburg but ran away to join the circus. Now he’s back (and completely psychotic) and aims to settle the score with the grownup children that teased him so many years ago.