Monsters

Maneater of Hydra

Maneater of Hydra (1967)

A group of tourists travel to an island to see its exotic botanicals. There they meet Baron von Weser (Cameron Mitchell), a reclusive scientist studying rare horticulture and experimenting with crossbreeding dangerous varieties of plants. One of the Baron’s creations is draining the blood of human beings (through a small hole in their cheek) and the tourists are dying one by one.

Mel Welles, the genius behind the inexplicably amazing Lady Frankenstein wrote this junky little number. The lame and predictable dialogue is goofily dubbed and the storyline is totally generic monster movie pseudoscientific hokum. The worst scene in the movie features all the characters shouting about who or what is to blame for the recent killings. Most importantly however, Maneater of Hydra has a beautiful mansion, an exotic locale and a windstorm that never seems to let up.

Our cast of characters is headed up by total spazzoid Cameron Mitchell (a man who inspires great love and hatred in me) of Blood and Black Lace and Minnesota Clay. Cora Robertson (Czechoslovakian actress Kai Fischer) is a hot bag of cleavage in heat. The lovely and sweet Beth is played by Elisa Montés who would show up in Jess Franco’s 99 Women. The most irritating character is the shrill and terrible Myrtle Callihan who shrieks and complains about everything. Trust me on this one: she should have been the first to die.

While Maneater of Hydra (AKA Island of the Doomed) is strictly non-essential viewing (thanks mostly to some dull bits), it’s still a good time for a very boring Sunday afternoon (or a Saturday with a head cold (which is how I viewed it)). The way the creature sucks blood from people is pretty disgusting and the animated opening titles are just splendid. Plus, the climax is quite outrageous and very bloody.

“I’m sorry but you were about to touch my giant… gardenias.”

Matango

matango

Matango (1963)

On a sailing excursion, a mixed group of disenchanted socialites and working class sailors get caught in a storm. With their communication and navigation equipment destroyed, the group drift for days until they come upon a seemingly uninhabited island. While searching for food on the island, they discover an abandoned ship run ashore on the other side of the island.

Inside the moldy vessel loaded with radiation research equipment, a captain’s log records the crew losing their sanity over the lack of food. The log also warns against eating the matango mushrooms that grow on the island because they cause insanity. While the group struggles to find food and repair the sailboat to escape the island (especially after some ghostly apparitions appear one night), some become too hungry and consume the mushrooms despite the warnings. Before long, symptoms far worse than insanity begin to plague the matango eaters and the remaining crew must fend themselves against unimaginable horrors.

This has got to be the strangest motion picture from Toho Films in the 1960s (aside from Frankenstein Conquers the World). Ishiro Honda, director of the original Godzilla and many other Kaiju (giant monster) films, brings the wild and weird Matango (AKA Attack of the Mushroom People AKA Fungus of Terror) to life. With sumptuous cinematography and a genuinely tense and creepy atmosphere, this is definitely not your average mushroom-horror film.

Another lavish part of the film are the sets and the locations. The magnificent tropical island blends seamlessly with the dank jungle where the matango thrive. The abandoned ship which the castaways use as their home on the mysterious island is very detailed and creates many opportunities for spooky moments, none of which are missed. The costuming and the makeup on the mushroom creatures as well as the humans in the process of turning into giant mushrooms are both top notch.

The cast is awesome and expertly conveys the growing tension aboard the claustrophobic quarters they find themselves as well as their terror as they begin to realize something is terribly wrong on the island. It’s hard to imagine a cast looking at the script for Matango and not jumping ship (literally). From the gratuitous musical number(s), overtones of sexual repression, hallucinogenic mushroom use, and seven and half foot laughing phallic symbols, these folks had their work cut out for them.

Matango is custom made for fans of creepy horror films or just plain freaky Japanese cinema. With themes of urban decay and the loss of innocence poured into its already intoxicating concoction, this film is impossible to ignore and will no doubt be showing up time and again on the shelves of J-horror and Toho buffs. I implore you. Please, do not eat the mushrooms.

 

Skeleton Man

skeletonman

Skeleton Man (2004)

A hooded skeletal creature is killing people in the woods near a research base. A team of soldiers, lead by Captain Leary (Michael Rooker), is sent in to find and destroy this creature. Unfortunately, this creature is the possessed spirit of a mad Native American warrior and is virtually unstoppable. It is up to the surviving members of Leary’s team to find a way to destroy the creature.

This disaster of a movie was directed by longtime stuntman and first time director, Johnny Martin. The dialogue is laughable, the plot is inane, and the performances from the actors lack any personality or gumption. The film contains some brief gory moments but nothing outstanding. There is a nasty exploding head, impalements, and even a grotesque (yet half-assed) pit of bodies. Even the gratuitous machinegun fire and explosions can’t make Skeleton Man even remotely exciting.

There are an uncountable number of opportunities for viewers to go “huh?” and “what?” during the film. At around 45 minutes, the film’s already shaky narrative completely breaks down when Casper Van Dien’s (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stunt double goes for a little joyride in a tractor trailer which results in a nice explosion. I can’t imagine Van Dien being too busy to be filmed driving a truck. But sure enough, shots of a faceless stunt actor and shots of Van Dien making faces from different parts of the film are intercut into this unholy abomination of a scene.

Now onto the creature that terrorizes the protagonists (and viewers) of Skeleton Man. First of all, there’s nothing scary about a monster in a shiny black polyester bonnet and cape ensemble. Also, despite the silliness of the creature’s mask, there are shots in the film where the actor’s nose can be seen where the skeleton’s nasal cavity should be. And finally, the whole Predator thing really hurts the film. For instance, the skeletal creature can cloak (or perhaps it’s teleporting?) and the POV shots through the creature’s eyes are very familiar (complete with what appears to be thermal vision).

Skeleton Man will horrify but not in the way that it was intended to. This movie may turn up on someone’s guilty pleasure list due to the fact that it is so mistake laden and logic free. And of course, it features an unmitigated Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Shadow Builder) running rampant throughout the film as the rugged (and more than just a little nutty) Captain Leary. So, if you think you’re man enough to take on a bewildering plot and embarrassingly trite dialogue (as well as ludicrous action sequences and vapid special effects), then try Skeleton Man on for size.

Tomie is Mine

tomie-article

[This article contains less than 65% spoilers.]

“I will show you the girl who cannot die.”

What is everyone’s problem with Tomie, anyway? She’s just a love demon! So maybe the love she inspires drives men to kill. Is that so wrong? We are not here to judge you, Tomie my dear. We are here to help us help you help yourself. Tomie is the creation of horror manga master Junji Ito and has made quite a mark for her evil self onscreen. Out of the 8 Tomie movies (so far), Tomie: Replay is easily my favorite. Instead of picking up from either the original 1999 film (directed by Ataru Oikawa) or the awful direct-to-video Tomie: Another Face, this film, released in February of 2000 (just in time for Valentine’s Day!), jumps right into the freaky end of the pool.

A little girl is rushed into surgery when a giant mysterious tumor growing on her stomach threatens to kill her. When Dr. Kenzô Morita (played by Shun Sugata) makes the first incision, the tumor moves and he accidentally slices his thumb with the scalpel. Suddenly, the tumor begins to turn inside the girl’s distended stomach revealing a human eyeball peering out from the incision. The doctors and nurses are aghast as a young woman’s head springs forth from the little girl and says “I am Tomie.” Damn, homegirl knows how to make an entrance!

After that, Dr. Morita disappears and his daughter Yumi (played by Sayaka Yamaguchi) shows up to try and find out just what happened. Yumi meets up with her father’s mistress and even reconnects with her estranged mother Yoko but neither of them can provide any answers. Dr. Tachibana (Kenichi Endo), one of Dr. Morita’s colleagues present the night that Tomie entered the hospital, hands Yumi her father’s journal detailing the events of Tomie’s discovery and then jumps off the roof of the building.

Next we meet Fumihito (played by Yôsuke Kubozuka), a hunky dude in the hospital for dialysis and his nerdy friend Takeshi (Masatoshi Matsuo). While Fumihito is taking a long pee (he should really NOT be drinking beer in his condition), Takeshi meets a naked Tomie (played by Mai Hosho) wandering around the hospital. He instantly falls in love with this mysterious girl and takes her home seemingly vanishing off the face of the earth.

As luck would have it, Yumi meets Fumihito while they are both searching for Tomie, the girl at the center of the disappearances of Dr. Morita and now Takeshi. As the mystery surrounding this monstrous being becomes darker and more horrifying, a romance begins to blossom between Yumi and Fumihito. Will this newfound love be able to withstand Tomie’s power or will these two young people be crushed as countless others have by her irresistible and deadly charms?

Full of outrageously ghoulish setpieces and some grisly violence, Tomie: Replay is a unique horror movie that refuses to behave itself. Director Tomijiro Mitsuishi kicks all kinds of ass in his first film (and only screen credit to date) and screenwriter Satoru Tamaki keeps things bizarre and very unpredictable. While all of the scenery and the sets are beautifully shot, the sequences in the hospital is where the film really shines in all of its sickening glory. The soundtrack by prolific composer Kôji Endô (One Missed Call, Gozu) is quite haunting and really adds to the somber tone of Tomie: Replay.

Everyone in the cast is quite good and there are a few familiar faces mixed in there as well. Most notably is Takashi Miike regular Kenichi Endo (of Visitor Q and Deadly Outlaw Rekka) as the mad Dr. Tachibana. Even though he doesn’t have a major role here, I have to mention this duder. Endo starred is one of my favorite Japanese because he looks so dang weird and always plays psychos, complete screw-ups or a combination of the two. Another complete freak is Moro Marooka of “The Great Horror Family” and Infection who plays the father of the little girl who was bursting at the seams with Tomie.

Speaking of our title character, Tomie is played by the lovely Mai Hosho (of Suicide Club) who is not afraid to get down and dirty and even gives the monster some complexity and pathos. Our two romantic leads (I still can’t believe there is a romance in this one), Yamaguchi and Kubozuka, are excellent actors and give their all to roles that could easily have been completely droll and expendable in less capable hands. Super creepy points go to Shun Sugata (Ichi the Killer, Organ, Marebito, etc.) for his portrayal of Dr. Morita, a man reduced to a quivering shell in the face of all that sexy evil.

So is constantly being killed and reborn getting Tomie down? Well yeah, with all her teasing, taunting and that maniacal freakin’ laugh, she’s kind of a complete bitch. Apparently, decades (or centuries?) of shallow graves has instilled in her a significant dislike of insects. Worse still is her opinion of human beings. It is easy for her to ensnare men with her charms but they always disappoint her. At first, her suitors are willing to kill for her but then she grows bored with them and their jealousy turns deadly. Women hate her for stealing their men away and the men eventually go insane and cut Tomie into little pieces. In Replay, Tomie complains that men “break so easily” and one gets a sense of her morbid disappointment with the human race.

Other disturbing aspects of Tomie’s character are thoroughly explored here such as her hatred of all her doppelgangers. If Tomie is constantly dying, being destroyed and then regenerating, then who is the original? The answer is simple: the one left standing. Our favorite unkillable demon reproduces like it’s nobody’s business. A stray hair or even a single drop of blood can sprout a brand new Tomie. I love how the Tomies react to each other with revulsion and always try to destroy one another. In Replay, the new incarnation finds the “original’s” still living head buried in a shallow grave in the forest (no surprise there) and sets it fire! So yes, Tomie has some self-hate issues but with everyone constantly calling her a monster (and just because she is one! WTF?), I’m not entirely surprised.

Guess what, kids? Junji Ito’s recurring theme of body horror (see Uzumaki (manga or film)) is alive and unwell in Tomie: Replay with all them Tomie molecules infecting people. The idea of a contagious evil that first invades the mind and then distorts the body is a joy to behold (if you’re a sick bastard). The human (and love demon) form is warped and twisted in truly sick ways. This film contains some truly nightmarish images which are brought to life by the film’s incredible special effects. Standout scenes include Tomie’s disembodied head growing a new body and the reverse: her headless corpse growing a new head. The nastiest scene however has to be the discovery of Dr. Morita’s rotting body stuffed in a tank of saline solution.

So why do I think this is the best of the Tomie franchise (Tomie: Re-birth is a close second)? For starters, this film still frightens me every time I watch it. There are some great scares, profoundly dark ideas, and a whole mess of freaky shit that just stays with me long after I’ve watched it. Take an unstoppable evil, combine it with hospital horror, and throw in some melodrama and well, you have something really, really special. Young lovers, Tomie: Replay is your date movie.

The Spirit Of ’76 Moviethon

spirit-of-76

In the summer of 1976, when I was 2 weeks old, men in black cloaks came to take me away. My family was living in Great Falls, Montana when one afternoon someone banged at the front door. My mother answered with me in her arms and asked these mysteriously garbed individuals what they wanted. They told her that they had come for her son. Frightened but headstrong, my mother held me closer and told them to leave immediately. Perhaps it was something in her eyes or her voice that stole their resolve but the men in black cloaks quickly retreated from the yard. Only feeling safe after she had shut and locked the front door, my mother looked at her young son and realized that he was something special.

Now the story keeps changing and I’m probably embellishing it here. When I first heard this tale from my mother, there were men in black cloaks. But recently they have morphed into just one man dressed as a monk who came to take me away. I have no idea if this story is true and my mom is very vague on the details. But that’s what she told me. Whatever really happened that day, it seems to me that it had something to do with horror.

The theme of this moviethon is all things 1976 but there is a twist. The rules are simple: 1) the horror films in question have to have been released sometime in 1976 (not just in theaters at the time) and 2) they have to be titles that I’ve never seen before. So many fantastic things happened in that magical year such as The Omen, Carrie, Werewolf Woman, Plot Of Fear, and Burnt Offerings but I’ve already friggin’ seen them. Oh well, this moviethon is about mining for the unknown in hopes of beholding the wonderful (and terrible) discoveries waiting for me in my birth year.

For further preparation, I looked at newspapers from 1976 on microfilm to see what was playing in theaters that year and I also watched 1976 TV on the blessed Youtube. “The Charo TV Special” was especially entertaining although almost all of the jokes centered on how no one could understand what she was saying. In order to truly envelop myself in half-assed research I picked up the 1976 edition of one of those Remember When booklets at our local Bob Evans (random facts appear below). That’s like receiving a master’s degree for the entire year!

Friday

The usual Friday afternoon post-work stuff is made particularly awful by the wicked humidity. We hit the CVS on 56th street so LeEtta can have wine and then we quickly pick up some dinner (Wendy’s salads are almost healthy). Once dinner is consumed and everything seems to be in order, it is time to begin. The lousy foulness I’ve been experiencing all through the day have melted away now that things are about to start. This horrible hypochondria has been haunting me ever since the werewolf moviethon was almost ruined by a dang head cold.

makojawsofdeath

“Okay, shark-boy, I’m gonna break your fin.”

5:17pm

Mako: The Jaws Of Death

First, a little back story on obtaining this film. I found a VHS copy of The Jaws Of Death on Amazon used for less than a buck. When I got the tape and tried to convert it to DVDR, everything went to shit. My VCR started making this high-pitched whine and the film was playing in a terribly distorted and unwholesome manner on my TV screen. Even though I figured it was a lost cause, I brought the tape to my friend Nafa who is something of an expert at VHS repair. After unspooling and re-spooling the entire tape and running it through an impressive looking tape-cleaning machine, we got it to play again and I managed to get it on DVDR, finally.

After just a few minutes into this flick, I’m already regretting having Nafa go to all the trouble rescuing this piece of shit. Sonny (played by Richard Jaeckel) loves sharks. I mean really, really loves them. He gives them names like Mattilda and Sammy. Unfortunately, he’s totally naïve to the ways of the world (that’s putting it nicely) and puts his trust in a pretentious scumbag like Mr. Whitney.

Down at the world-renowned Rustic Inn, we have the lovely Karen (played by Jennifer Bishop), an underwater dancer, and her sickeningly obese husband Barney (played by someone named Buffy Dee). They soon discover what a total sucker Sonny is and quickly take advantage. These people want to use him and his sharks for some reason or another and it’s all going to end in tears and blood.

Whoa, this movie almost just redeemed itself. Getting to see Sonny’s 1,000 yard stare is pretty priceless. I love how everyone takes turns shitting on this guy when he is clearly deranged. Sonny rescues Karen from some would-be rapists and one of them is Harold “Oddjob” Sakata. After an awkward kiss between Sonny and Karen, I realize that Sonny has probably never kissed a non-shark person before. Uh oh, things are going south as Sonny realizes he shouldn’t have trusted these evil people.

Man oh man, between the endless underwater scenes and all the poorly lit nighttime scenes, this is one murky ass movie. Take the poor quality of the film and match it with the cheapness of the videotape and the end result is more than a little challenging to watch. Thankfully, I can still see Barney in all of his sensual glory. Of course, Mako: The Jaws Of Death has all the tension and drama of a bathtub fart. Oh good, a flashback sequence! This explains everything! I want to go to sleep now. If there was ever a time to nap during a moviethon, it is right now.

As the climax of this ass festival gets closer and closer, a horrible realization has just hit me: I’ve seen this film before. How depressing is that? I go out of my way to avoid films I’ve seen before and this sneaky bitch turns out to be a (happily) repressed memory or some shit. Oh Florida, why do you want to hurt us with your hurricanes? And it’s over. Sonny got his revenge but the angry townsfolk got their comeuppance when he was eaten by his own sharks. I hope that by revealing a big whopper of a spoiler like that encourages everyone to avoid Mako: The Jaws Of Death.

Random 1976 Fact: The “Son of Sam” claims his first victim in July.

Cigar Break

After that Jaws Of Death business, an early cigar break is essential. The father-in-law hooked me up with a fistful of cigars last time I saw him so I’m all set in that department. The weather has changed. A steady breeze has kicked in and the humidity has been lifted making this July evening quite pleasant. I smoke a Bohio cigar and wash it down with some Arizona green tea. Very nice. The cigar isn’t rolled very well and is falling apart in my hands but the flavor holds out so I’m satisfied. Once that’s done, I head back in for another flick.

driveinmassacre

“Do you really wanna talk to that piece of puke?”

7:32pm

Drive-In Massacre

Drive-In Massacre introduces itself with some fake Santana opening credit music. Seeing that the magic of the drive-in has been captured on film forever, I’m already feeling good about this one. The couple getting hot and heavy in their car at the beginning has a problem: the guy is too busy watching the movie while his chick wants to jump his bones. This is the 70s, you friggin’ moron, you’re supposed to get it on. Better hurry before the AIDS comes. That is just so sad and it’s even sadder now that they’ve just been brutally murdered by a psycho killer who is stalking the drive-in. Whoa, that cheap gore sure is sweet and sassy.

The miserable cops, Detectives Mike and Larry, show up to question the owner of the drive-in, Mr. Austin Johnson, who is described as being the “perfect asshole”. Johnson just said “wang-bangers” and I think I’m going to have to strive for perfection myself. We are introduced to Germy, our special buddy, who’s wearing what looks like a Peter Pan hat minus the feather and who has the illustrious job of waving the cars in and picking up trash. Now the soundtrack sounds like three disjointed organ grinders playing at once. So it’s as perfect as Mr. Austin Johnson.

The film slows down for some psychobabble and some dull police procedural stuff but it hasn’t thrown me yet. The cops are a real riot shaking down their chief suspect, the local pervert who utters the line: “I just wanted to beat my meat!” I just saw some boobs; the first of the moviethon. In order to catch the killer stalking the drive-in, one of the detectives dresses up in drag for a goofy stakeout. You’ve got to love a slasher flick where half of the characters are ex-carnies.

Drive-In Massacre slows down AGAIN for a carnival sequence and then some boring crap in a warehouse. Hello Arlene! Why hasn’t she been in the rest of the picture? Oh yes, this is all going to end in tears. The open-endedness of the finale is absolute genius. A little nod to William Castle, I think. This is a marked improvement over Mako: The Jaws Of Death, to say the least.

Random 1976 Fact: Life expectancy is 72.9 years.

deathatlovehouse

“She’s evil and this house is rotten with her memories.”

8:56pm

Death At Love House

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, E.W. Swackhamer and Aaron Spelling AKA The Dream Team! Joel (played by Robert Wagner) and Donna (Kate Jackson) visit the mansion of Lorna Love to help Joel write a book about the dead Hollywood legend. There’s a cat named Nosferatu, a ghostly figure running through a courtyard, and some mention of the Malleus Maleficarum (which LeEtta points out as being totally out of context here). Spooky stuff, let me tells ya. But I’m really just afraid of Joel and Donna’s friend Oscar who always shouts when he speaks.

John Carradine kicks ass as usual which is good since the plot just ain’t doing it for me. Joel’s dad was one of the mysterious Lorna Love’s lovers and… Well, there are some sepia-toned flashbacks. That’s great. Beware the duder in the black goat’s head cloak. His name is Father Eternal Fire and he was a holy man “of sorts”. Was he the one who tried to steal me as a baby?

Things start getting freaky when we meet the nutty Marcella (played by the legendary Joan Blondell) and hey, hang on a minute! That’s the luscious Marianna Hill from Messiah Of Evil as Lorna Love. Score! The scene where one of Lorna’s films comes to life and starts calling to Joel is surprisingly well done and hypnotic. Oh shit, Donna is getting the cold shoulder as Joel becomes more and more obsessed with the dead actress.

Death At Love House is pretty tame and the plot is convoluted as hell but I’m having a good time. The film has a decent full-bodied soundtrack and the climax (despite the cheese) is awesome. Of course, everything has to go up in flames. Whoa, that denouement was abrupt. LeEtta expresses her dissatisfaction with that super quick wrap-up and I am in total agreement. So I guess everything just turned out okay then. That’s just like in real life.

Random 1976 Fact: “Afternoon Delight” by The Starlight Vocal Band is a number one hit.

Saturday

You know, I’m starting to get sick of the whole “something must go wrong every moviethon” bit. We decided to call it quits early last night so that we could get a jump on the films. Ha ha, a jump indeed. We get up bright and early, go to the gas station, fuel up, and the car won’t start. Luckily, a guy there is nice enough to get my 1978 (not ’76) Ford Thunderbird going again with a jumpstart. At AutoZone, we find out that my battery is toast. Luckily, it was still under warranty, so we get a new battery for $2. We immediately get breakfast, hit the grocery store for moviethon supplies, and head back home.

foodofthegods

“My name is Morgan and I play football.”

10:10am

The Food Of The Gods

Bert I. Gordon brings us a flick that I could have sworn that I’d seen before but after only a few moments of this schlocky nonsense, I realize that I’ve seen its 1989 sequel. Morgan (played by Marjoe Gortner of Starcrash) delivers some crummy foreshadowing in his voiceover. To sum things up: nature is sick of mankind’s BS and is making animals grow all big and stuff. The end. Okay, there’s more to this film than that but it’s all logic free cheese.

Attack of the giant rats! Attack of the big rubba bug! Attack of the giant rooster! This is anything but dull, that’s for sure. Oh crap, those giant maggots are really nasty. Ida Lupino is very charming as the perpetually freaked out Mrs. Skinner. Careful lady, they’re using the old good scientist/bad scientist routine on ya. Some of these lame effects are starting to get to me already. Well, look at that, the homely chick named Lorna the actress I had a major crush on from Legend Of Hell House! She fell down a hole? What a dumbass.

Why do giant rats make cat noises? Whatever the reason, these rat attacks prompt my wife to start laughing like a madwoman. I am starting to strongly dislike the treatment of the rats in this movie. They’re shooting them with paintballs, knocking them about in little explosions, and drowning them for the climax. Hmm, that really took the fun out of this one. I rarely get worked up about animal rights but that seemed excessively cruel to me. God, I’m such a whiner. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: A new car costs $4,557.

clownmurders

“I’m sick of his God-damned jokes.”

11:45am

The Clown Murders

Any film that starts with a rousing game of polo has got to be good, right? Ugh, 7 minutes in and I already don’t care. Come on, duder, this has a good ominous soundtrack, give it a chance. I’m talking to myself already. Speaking of animal violence! There’s a gratuitous chicken beheading. Hmm, is that better or worse than the rat torture from Food Of The Gods? Whatever, this film is Canadian, they don’t have the same rules that we do. Fat jokes and headless chickens? Can do.

This strange ass flick is well acted but the plot is ridiculous. Our “heroes” cook up a plot to kidnap the lovely Allison in order to stop some land deal from going through. This is one of those seemingly innocent but idiotic schemes where things invariably go very wrong. It doesn’t help matters much that one of their gang is crazy Charlie who still has a thing for Allison. I think my initial allergic reaction to The Clown Murders may have been too hasty. This is such a bizarre little thriller with a knack for building tension. After the POV stalking kicks in, I feel more at home.

This Rosie guy is a complete piece of shit. LeEtta would like him to be the first one to die. His name is Rosie. You know what? There is some creepy business buried in this movie. There’s a killer stalking these folks but that’s not central to the plot. Or is it? I’m certainly surprised by all of this. Adventurous viewers, this batshit flick is waiting for you. Then it just goes on this total exploitation bender. Okay, that’s John Candy rape.

Oh, this would have been perfect for Doomed WTFiethon. I’m not sure about this film. It’s gone from horror to exploitation but I… I’m speechless. It’s the weirdest one so far. Either way, this is equal parts boring, entertaining, and painful to watch. Talk about your roller coaster shifts in tone. This beast is unclassifiable.

Random 1976 Fact: The Pittsburgh Steelers are the Pro Football champions.

Short Break

Nafa calls to say that he will be joining the moviethon festivities in a little while. He informs me that people are crashing their makeshift planes into a nearby lake. That sounds reasonable but way less entertaining than this hot movie action. LeEtta makes some guacamole dip which we devour and then it’s back to the flicks.

creaturefromblacklake

“All right, big creature, here we come.”

1:42pm

Creature From Black Lake

This soundtrack is very, very special. Could this film like actually be good? My expectations for a Bigfoot movie are rock bottom, so this flick’s got a fighting chance. Our two main goofballs, two old college students named Reeves and Pahoo, are traveling to the swamps of Louisiana to find Bigfoot. Is Pahoo slang for something? ‘Cause it sounds awfully dirty. Pahoo is obsessed with hamburgers and French fries. And just like me, he’s all fired up about Cajun women!

This flick is done surprisingly well and well acted even. Legendary lazy-eyed Jack Elam plays Joe, the crazy old freak who had a negative experience with the creature (it ate his friend). So, I guess that explains why he has a doll in a noose in his shack. Them there Bigfoot creatures do that to a man. Holy crap, that is one hot waitress there. Pahoo and Reeves are going to gather evidence with the height of 1976 technology: a tape recorder.

Orville is a good old boy with a story to tell (strictly off the record). We meet his pappy who is played by the incredible Dub Taylor. Don’t even mention the creature around this guy. Whoa, Pahoo just flipped out. Now Reeves and Pahoo are picking up chicks. Two bad one of the girls is the daughter of the sheriff. That might be problematic. Jeez, these guys are crappy anthropologists. Maybe they can tell me what hole the company that released this shitty pan and scan DVD are hiding in.

This movie is entertaining as hell… sometimes. There’s lots of comic relief. Guys, come on, stop arguing! We have got to stick together! Well, the creature isn’t all that impressive but at least they keep it hidden pretty well. Wow, what an awful ending. So that’s it. Really? To answer that question, we are tortured with some wimpy ending song with pitiful lyrics that I’ve already forgotten.

Random 1976 Fact: Nelson Rockefeller is the Vice President of the United States.

Almost Nap

I decide to take one of my world famous power naps. I get about 10 minutes into it when LeEtta knocks on the door and tells me that Nafa has already arrived. So, I don’t get my nap or the fantastic disorientation that comes afterwards. Boo hoo! Nafa brings me an awesome bicentennial flag which I immediately hang up to inspire us. Thanks to that flag, 1976 is so much closer now.

embryo

“I don’t want to kill! I don’t want to kill! I just want to live!”

3:38pm

Embryo

Uh oh, this one opens with a very important message that sends chills up my… Well, not my spine, that’s for sure. Ladies and gentleman, Rock Hudson. Sadly, Doris Day will not be joining us for this bleak and muddled little movie. Hudson plays Paul, a doctor who seems to have lost his way since the death of his wife. So one dark and stormy night, he runs over a pregnant Doberman and gets inspired to try and save the unborn puppies with science. Maybe that constant boom mike dipping into the shot can help.

Things fall apart when Dr. Paul calls his son in the middle of the night and asks for a million cc’s of dog plasma. DOG. PLASMA. His son Gordon is more than happy to oblige. He and his pregnant wife Helen (who was the mom on “Alf”) show up to see a puppy fetus in a big tank and they aren’t fazed at all. I guess when you’re drowning in pseudoscience, everything just seems normal. Paul manages to do a bunch of stuff to so that the puppy fetus is full grown in a week. My God, he’s created a super pooch!

So what do you think our newly mad scientist will do next? Get a human fetus and try it again. This is such a sad little film. He’s smoking in the same room where the baby is developing in the tank. That can’t be good. Okay doctor, we are no longer listening to your gibberish. This movie is dragging. The entire suspense at this point is the horror and revulsion we’re supposed to be feeling at this unnatural birthing. Gee, I wonder why this wasn’t a huge hit.

Now it’s the Helen Keller story as Paul teaches his instant woman (played by the lovely Barbara Carrera) to speak. He names her Victoria and it isn’t long before we know something ain’t right. She tends to hide behind doors with sharp scissors when someone frightens her. Poor Diane Ladd (yeah, she’s in this too). Her character, Martha, is the nails on the chalkboard in this flick. Between Victoria’s wide-eyed disconnectedness and Martha’s smarty pants cattiness, we’re really in a pickle here.

Roddy McDowall is in fine form here (read as: he gets to look incredulous and shout a lot). NO! We’re back in the poorly lit laboratory again. Half of this movie is hard to see and this busted ass DVD doesn’t help either. Can we please just go back to the dog plasma? No we can’t because Victoria needs human fetus extract because Dr. Paul fucked up the growth acceleration procedure because… I think this movie will defeat us.

I love the synthesizer in the soundtrack and there are some eerie moments but damn, this shit will just not end. Victoria starts aging really quickly and her list of victims grows because she just can’t get enough fetus juice. The ending finally comes with a car chase and the rest is just painfully hilarious and overblown melodrama. Nafa, LeEtta, and I are totally confounded. It ends and we’re kind of ruined but the bad movie adrenaline is pumping. Nothing to do but go to Taco Bell.

Random 1976 Fact: Bacon is $1.05 per pound.

Dinner

It’s bright out and very hot. The clouds in the sky aren’t substantial enough to give us any relief from the sun. Nafa and I head out to Athenos to get LeEtta a veggie platter. Like a dumbass, I forget the spanakopita. We park in the Taco Bell parking lot and walk next door to CVS. Nafa grabs some Powerade and I get a 20oz Sunkist (the caffeinated orange soda). After getting stuck in line behind a scattered and bizarrely behaving Spanish family, we walk back to Taco Bell.

Despite experiences from previous moviethons where fast food has done me wrong, I order way too much food for myself and get a big Mountain Dew. Nafa and I jump in the car and head back home. On the way down 56th Street, we pass the legendary Morrisound Studios where death metal bands such as Deicide and Malevolent Creation have recorded their albums. Nafa and I decide that our very un-death metal band should record there as well. Back at the apartment, we find that Shelly has arrived. She and LeEtta are on the patio smoking while Nafa and I dig in. Once LeEtta has eaten and Shelly has ordered her Chinese food, we move on to the next movie.

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“Who dares come between an Irishman and his drink?”

6:33pm

Naked Massacre

This movie is political because it takes place in Belfast. We see some hot Irish nurses and I begin to suspect that we’re in for a trashy ride. This disgruntled Vietnam vet is going to make some trouble. There’s lots of dialogue about nothing in particular and jump cuts galore. The most priceless scene in the history of film: the bad guy (does he have a name?) paying an old hooker to dance naked while he plays “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica. Okay, she isn’t really dancing so much as spasmodically jerking to the music while her big saggy everything shimmies to and fro.

Things are starting to look very grim for the four of us viewers as this trashy piece of trash finally reveals itself. So this guy kidnaps a bunch of nurses living together and starts raping and killing them. Even worse, he tells them bad jokes. Was Richard Speck really this “charming”? This is some seriously horrible shit. I’d had a just a tiny taste of exploitation with The Clown Murders, this is the real rapetastic deal.

We are all heckling Naked Massacre to keep from screaming. Talk about a totally wrong selection for a moviethon but that’s what happens when you pick a bunch of unseen titles. This is just unpleasant as hell and we’re all mortified and pretty embarrassed. I will say this in the movie’s defense: if I was watching this alone, I probably wouldn’t feel so totally miserable right now. But honestly, this movie just sucks. The end.

Random 1976 Fact: Reese Witherspoon is born on March 22nd.

Cigar Break

We are more than happy to go outside after that. I light up my H. Uppman cigar which is really, really good. It’s got a ton of flavor and it goes very well with Sunkist orange soda. Shelly joins me in the smoking with her cloves while Nafa just hangs out. The summer sun is finally going down and it is much cooler outside. Thank God. I apologize profusely about the Naked Massacre incident but nobody is too upset about it. The “Oh Susanna” scene was almost worth the pain of the rest of the film. It was shitty but not gloriously shitty like Embryo. After the break is over, Nafa takes his leave but Shelly hangs on for more flicks.

landoftheminotaur

“There’s nothing wrong with my capacity!”

9:04pm

Land Of The Minotaur

Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing go to Greece. Flame on, minotaur, flame on! We are treated to a ceremony featuring some retarded KKK-like duders in multi-colored robes. This breathy and weird Brian Eno soundtrack is seriously friggin’ awesome. Then a trio of hippies show up. They disappear and Father Roche (Pleasence) goes looking for them. He calls up Milo, a detective friend from Boston, who looks like Father Ted. Feck!

The locations for this flick are beautiful and there’s plenty of atmosphere to spare. “You’re out of line, Tom!” So Peter Cushing is Carpathian? That’s nice. Of course he’s the ringleader of this busted ass minotaur cult that needs human sacrifices for some reason. He’s the one who is responsible for all the suspicious glances in the village too. Damn, that Laurie chick (played by Luan Peters of The Flesh And Blood Show) is so crazy hot. She’s in peril, people. We need to keep a better eye on her. Mm-hmm.

I refuse to believe you, sensible priest! This movie is really strange and- Ha! I knew it! There are men in black cloaks! Finally, they are here. My mom was right. They came from Greece to get me. So much freakin’ oddness going on here. I want to say that this movie is boring but it is just so awesome. And explosive! So the only minotaur in the movie is a statue? That is rather lame but yet I can’t wait to watch this one again. I think we’re finally out of the rut. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: The Supreme Court votes to reinstate the death penalty.

houseofmortalsin

“None of us is without sin, be sure of that.”

10:32pm

The House Of Mortal Sin

Oh Jenny (played by Susan Penhaligon), you could so much better. Man, this chick is whipped by her scumbag boyfriend. Enter one seriously creepy priest who happens to be one twisted and murderous motherfucker. Father Xavier Meldrum is his name and he kills the boyfriend in a very brutal manner. Father Meldrum isn’t alone in his lunacy. Miss Brabazon is helping the priest keep it real. Brabazon is played by the incredibly creepy Sheila Keith from Frightmare.

The priest secretly tape records people’s confessions, is stalking Jenny, and is killing all the men close to her. Now he’s killing to cover up his other killings. That isn’t very holy behavior, dude. This might be director Pete Walker’s finest hour. We’ve got some great kill scenes, cool cinematography, and priestly temptations. I think the director may have been taking notes from the Giallos for this one. The cyanide sacrament! I saw that one comin’ a mile away.

Unbeknownst to Father Xavier, Mrs. Brabazon is going behind his back and torturing his poor decrepit mother. His mother, mute from a stroke, tries to warn people. The subplot with Father Bernard and his love affair with Jenny’s sister comes to a horrible end as well. Wow, this movie is outrageously cruel, malevolent, and dark. The House Of Mortal Sin accomplishes what many strive but fail to be. I’m looking at you, Naked Massacre!

Random 1976 Fact: “Happy Days” is the number one TV show.

Very Short Break

Shelly is leaving and LeEtta is getting ready for bed. That leaves little old me to fend for myself. Hey, how about if I eat a taco? Buying too much food at Taco Bell earlier was a blessing in disguise. I put sour cream and hot sauce on this taco. I eat this taco. I put another movie in the DVD player. Things are going to be okay.

whocankillachild

“The world is crazy.”

12:23am

Who Can Kill A Child?

Things are not going to be okay. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The very real and very horrifying news footage at the beginning of this film lets me know in an extremely unsubtle way that the fun is over. My God, this introduction is 8 minutes long! The world is chaotic and filled with hate. You will be destroyed exquisitely.

Our biologist buddy, Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn, arrive in a small village in Spain for a vacation. They head out alone to an island nearby where there seems to be no adults anywhere. The children are oddly quiet and very suspicious. The beautiful scenery has given way to an undeniable eeriness. Things are so very wrong on this picturesque island and the children are so ominous, I would have bugged out already.

Who Can Kill A Child? is one of the most frightening and claustrophobic films I’ve seen in a while. The tension just keeps growing. Those kids are gonna be so disappointed. There’s no candy in that old man they’ve strung up and are now beating like a piñata. Tom is trying to protect Evelyn from the things he’s seen. Fuck it, man, these kids is evil. This is like Village Of The Damned on meth.

They find one living adult who relates the chilling story of when the children woke up one night and starting killing all the adults. When Tom finally lashes out against their attackers, it isn’t cathartic like in a regular horror movie. There is no relief. This is a bold and challenging film from beginning to end that shows you inconceivable horrors awaiting our protagonists around every corner. And it only gets worse at the end. Amazing.

Random 1976 Fact: Stephen Wozniak and Steven Jobs found Apple Computers.

whisperinthedark

“Death is a place where no one’s ever happy.”

2:21am

A Whisper in the Dark

I need you right now gothic Italian horror movie. My God, this movie is pretty already. A fog enshrouded mansion? Thank you! We are introduced to a typical Italian family. Normal except for their son, Martino, who insists that his invisible friend Luca is real. Whoa, Martino is one freaky and angry little kid. Well, with horrid sisters like his, I’d be freaky and angry too. Mom of the feathered hair is clueless and dad is John Phillip Law of Diabolik (but is also clueless). Their marriage is on the rocks and their son going nuts is really quite bothersome.

That was strange. Martino describes a dream that sounds like a scene out of Who Can Kill A Child? A self-referential moviethon? It’s hard to focus when this kid is so dang hypnotic. The score by Pino Donaggio is very haunting and adds to the dreamy atmosphere. I know something terrible is going to happen. The family is starting to fall apart and things are becoming more and more surreal. Ha ha! The sisters don’t get to go to the party!

Some comic moments come out of nowhere. I realize that I can no longer be trusted. My notes are getting more and more erratic and it is clear to me that only folks really, really into Italian horror will enjoy this. No, even they won’t like this one. A Whisper In The Dark is visually stunning but is there any substance? The spell of the mysterious specter of Luca is taking over. Joseph Cotten (of Mario Bava’s Baron Blood) is here as the professor whose come to study Martino’s condition. How could a duder this unsettling ever make it as a child psychologist?

The party sequence is so outlandish and beautiful that I have ceased to wonder what happened to the plot. Drinking vodka and smoking in the bath? Jeez professor, when are you going to fix that dang kid’s crazy brain? Oops, he’s dead! I have a funny feeling about this movie but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I love the POV camera angles letting you know that someone is always watching. Leave mom alone, she’s goth. No wonder the reviews for this film were so bad. That ending wasn’t really an ending at all. Mom and dad have screwed and all is right with the world.

Random 1976 Fact: Sonny and Cher resume their TV show, despite their real-life divorce.

Trouble

It’s 4:15am and I just put in the last film of the Moviethon: Mansion Of The Doomed. I’m about 5 minutes into it when I realize that I can’t even look at the screen, my eyes and head hurt so bad. This isn’t fun anymore. I stop the movie and write down this gibberish: “I can barely moves. My eyes are distant shores. Nobody feels this way while my cat coos in his sleep. Sorry almost made it.” I am now going to haul my ass off to bed.

Many Hours Later…

I wake up around 10:00am Sunday morning and I really need to get out of the house. I’m pretty depressed when I wake up. I realize that I have one movie to go and that I should have been able to get through all ten movies yesterday. But then LeEtta reminds me that I should just start giving myself a schedule for these dang things. I feel run down but alive as the wife and I run to breakfast and go catch Hellboy 2: The Golden Army at the theatre. How un-moviethon and 1976-inappropriate is that? Oh well, we get back home and I return to the final film.

mansionofthedoomed

“No! I’m a scientist! No more nightmares.”

3:37pm

Mansion Of The Doomed

The movie opens with some stock footage of eye surgeries that are just plain old nasty to behold. Something tells me that we’re gonna be violating some eyes very soon. Oh great, another mad scientist. I hope this one doesn’t have to send out for his dog plasma. Richard Basehart plays Dr. Chaney who has to conduct illegal and experimental eye surgery on his daughter Nancy. He feels just a tad guilty for breaking her eyes in a car accident.

A very young Lance Henriksen (from Pumpkinhead and a million other awesome things) is on board as Nancy’s fiancé. Dr. Chaney drugs the guy, steals his eyes, and then locks him up in a cage (with electrified bars!) located in the filthy basement of his mansion (of the doomed). When the eye transplant doesn’t take, the very evil doctor starts kidnapping more and more people. God, this movie is great. It’s claustrophobic and perfectly grungy in almost every way.

I sure hope Lucio Fulci got to see this one with all the eye violence and gaping blood-filled eye sockets we get to see. I really don’t like Nancy at all. Waa, I’m blind so my life is over, waa! Well, at least she’s better than the doctor’s washed out assistant, Kathy, who assists the evil bastard in all of his bastardliness. Mad scientists should never have children or wives or friends or colleagues. They’re a goddamned liability. Character actor Vic Tayback is totally underused as the detective trying to find out what’s up with all these empty eyeholes.

Seriously, duders, this movie is messed up. Instead of Eyes Without A Face, this is Face Without Some Eyes. This is just one of the most satisfying horror experiences I’ve seen in a while. Why is Mansion Of The Doomed so friggin’ obscure? Could be that crappy soundtrack. I am consumed by the evil badness of these people keeping their eyeless victims alive in the basement until they starve to death or kill each other. Things go just as bad as they should and everything falls into place just as horribly as it should. It’s all about the eyes.

Random 1976 Fact: Tawny Godin of Saratoga Springs, NY becomes the next Miss America.

The End

This will forever be known as the moviethon that made John Candy cry or at the very least, the cruelest of all moviethons. Sure, I got burned a couple of times but by watching 13 unseen films (with Mako being the sneaky exception) but that’s just part of the adventure. The most startling aspect was their brutality. There were more than a few eye-opening scenes as well as entire films that were just painful to watch with their unrelenting torture of their characters. What can you do with a moviethon with a mean streak a mile wide?

So, have I beaten 1976, the year of my birth? I have to say no. There are too many horror titles released that year that remain out of print and will have to be acquired for a sequel. And once again, I’ve learned that poor scheduling, evil junk food, and OD’ing on caffeine can screw up the whole scene. With Marjoe Gortner as my witness, I will conquer my inadequacies as a moviethoner and become the man that I was always meant to be. I will not let the men in black cloaks win. And mother, I promise, you did not save your son’s life for nothing.

Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas

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Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas (2009)

All is not well in the seemingly idyllic town of Manchvegas. A knife-wielding murderer has been stalking its lovely ladies and there are monsters -gospercaps, actually- all over the woods. But fear not for M.O.S. is on the case. That’s the Manchvegas Outlaw Society, in case you didn’t know, and their leader is Marshall (Matt Farley), a plucky young man with the gumption to get the town back on its feet again. With him as always is Jenny (Marie Dellicker) and All-Star Pete (Tom Scalzo). But solving crimes and fighting monsters is not all that M.O.S. has on its plate. When Jenny’s burgeoning feelings for Marshall go unrequited, she starts going on dates with some of the eligible men of Manchvegas. Marshall and All-Star Pete go about sabotaging her good times with some wild pranks.

The creators of Freaky Farley, my favorite indie horror film of 2007 (possibly my favorite of the millennium), are back with Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas. Once again, director/co-writer Charles Roxburgh, co-writer/actor Matt Farley, and their dedicated crew drop the viewer headfirst into a delightfully strange and freakishly innocent world. The obvious care put into every line of dialogue in this movie really shows as this film behaves the way it wants to behave, not in the way you think it should. The intersecting love stories are convoluted yet undeniably sweet and essential to moving the plot along.

A key factor to this film’s success is due to the fact that Roxburgh filmed this movie with actual film! MMMManchvegas is lovingly shot on 16mm with excellent attention to color and detail. Of course, the writing is immensely important to what makes these guys’ movies so special. Even the songs by Moes Haven scattered throughout the film are custom made to keep the audience hip to what’s going on. My favorite of these catchy tunes is “Basketball Fun”.

The cast is ready, willing and able to bring this weird film to life. Matt Farley is great as the single-minded Marshall. He won’t let anything stand in the way of M.O.S., even if it means denying his feelings for Jenny. And speaking of Jenny, Marie Dellicker practically steals the show with her fine portrayal of a girl who wants to grow up just a little bit but knows that it might mean losing her best friends. Some familiar faces from Freaky Farley pop up when another love story blooms in Manchvegas. The irrepressibly plucky Sharon Scalzo plays Melinda, a young woman in love with the easy going and somewhat clueless Vince (played by Kyle Kochan), even though her overbearing father (Kevin McGee) doesn’t approve.

Though it has monsters and a couple of dead bodies, Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas is not a horror film. And don’t expect an ounce of gore from this one as the film is practically bloodless and hell, there isn’t a scare to be found. This whole offbeat cinema production revels in its gloriously cheesy vibe and driest of dry senses of humor while remaining very, very watchable throughout. I can’t stress enough how badly I want to live in their alternate universe. Finally, I know where “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”

“Gosh dang, it’s monster central, man!”

Visit the Shockmarathons site for more.

Freaky Farley

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Freaky Farley (2007)

Ever since the death of his mother, “Freaky” Farley Wilder (Matt Farley) has been constantly punished and repressed by his father, radio personality Rick Wilder (Kevin McGee). The small amounts of time that Farley can sneak away, he spends spying on girls and tubing on the river. This all changes when he meets and falls in love with Scarlett Carter (Sharon Scalzo), a young lady with ambitions to write a novel about the bizarre characters in their town. When his father forbids Farley from seeing Scarlett and reveals a terrible family secret, Farley goes on a bloody rampage. Now, locked in an insane asylum and recounting his life story to a psychologist, Farley reveals that there is something even more monstrous behind his killing spree.

It’s extremely rare that I feel the need to return to a film within 24 hours of my first viewing. Yet somehow, the first thing I did the morning after I watched Freaky Farley, was watch it all over again. Independent horror films rarely get to me like this. The guys behind the Shockmarathons books have created a film influenced by the 70s and 80s VHS horrors they endured during their movie marathons. Yet this is not a wannabe demonic possession rip-off, or a slasher clone (though it fools you in thinking it is in the beginning), or even another dull zombie flesh-munching festival. No, this is something very, very different.

The combination of 16mm film, kitschy organ soundtrack, and the gorgeous New Hampshire (in autumn) locations, is a perfect concoction for grabbing and holding my attention. So the corny script with banal dialogue and silly characters should have instantly put me off, right? Not with delivery like this. The lead actors in this film take eccentric and quirky to a new level. Everyone in this film is either as stiff as a board or going so over the top that it is breathtaking.

Matt Farley practically steals the show as “Freaky” Farley with his bizarre sincerity, nervous energy, and odd intonation. It is impossible not to find humor in his delivery. The post-dubbing of his voice also adds an otherworldly quality to his performance. His role is complimented by the other oddballs around him. Sharon Scalzo is vivacious, endearing, and quite entertaining as Scarlett, the girl who steals “Freaky” Farley’s heart. I also really like Katie Reidy as Katie, the annoying “girl next door” who Rick, Farley’s father, is always trying to set him up with. The rest of the cast is even more awkward and strange but they all seem to fit in perfectly.

Shortly after the hour mark, Freaky Farley goes bat-shit crazy as the deadpan humor is abandoned for an even zanier tone. I was hoping the film would stay in a comfortable place forever but it does veer off into some wacky business. Yet, it didn’t lose me along the way. The grand surprise (which I won’t ruin here) is that the rules the film establishes are thrown away and things get even stranger. Thankfully there’s no winking at the camera or subterfuge of any kind. Freaky Farley never lies.

Freaky Farley is a sincere masterpiece of low budget eclecticism which resists the crassness which most horror comedies suffer from and the Kevin Smith-isms that so many indie films rely on. This isn’t the horror movie version of Clerks in Morgantown, New Hampshire. Freaky Farley takes its cue from the low budget horror pioneers of the 70s and 80s yet somehow stays innocent and barely even hints at their exploitative tendencies. I can’t wait to see what this crew does next.

“Heh, silly ninja.”

Visit the Motern Media for more info.

Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You!

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Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You! (2012)

When Neil Stewart (Matt Farley), the greatest tutor Rivertown, USA has ever known, returns to town, he has to face many obstacles. You see, after being left at the altar by his fiance Emmaline (Elizabeth M. Peterson) when his claims of seeing the mythical Riverbeast made him the town laughing stock, Neil’s life fell apart. With nearly every citizen openly mocking him at every street corner with the nickname “RB” (that stands for “Riverbeast”, btw) and a shameless muckraking reporter on his heels, duder is really up against it.

But Neil is determined to get his life back. First, he moves in with his best friend, Teddy Hollingsworth (Tom Scalzo), who has been living in near-seclusion since Neil left town and not pursuing his path as a guitar-plucking busker. Next, Neil starts tutoring again as well as trying to get his ex-fiance back (even though she’s engaged to the biggest jerk in all of Rivertown).

Out of pure desperation, Neil hires big game hunter/ladies’ man Ito Hootkins (Jim Farley) to help him capture the Riverbeast and prove to Emmaline and the residents of Rivertown that he is not a crazy kook. When that plan backfires and he gets blamed for a series of murders committed by the Riverbeast (yep, it’s real), things are looking even worse for Neil. But all is not lost. With the help of his fellow tutors and his plucky pupil (and wannabe reporter), Allie Stone (Sharon Scalzo), Neil is going to put an end to all this Riverbeast business once and for all.

When was the last time you spent 99 minutes away from your terrible life with something good? Why don’t you just forget your troubles and give yourself to the happy homemade bafflement of Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You!? I did and look how great I’m doing. I’ve been a huge fan of director Charles Roxburgh, Matt Farley, and company since Freaky Farley and this entry in their oddball canon does not disappoint.

The camerawork lovingly captures the beautiful New England landscape and the writing is genius. All of the dialog is outstanding and characters say some insanely elaborate sentences that are just mind-blowing. There are moments so strange and so droll that I thought I was hallucinating. Who knows, maybe I was. The monster suit is cheesy but also quite impressive and the music is excellent. You’ll be humming “River Party Days” long after you hear it.

If you dig indie horror films in the least, then you need to swing by Rivertown, USA. You’ll be glad you did. Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You! is an eccentric, zany, family friendly (and I mean that as a compliment), and laugh-out-loud funny horror film with a positive message and a gaggle of kooky characters. The film even features one of those warning systems that go off whenever something monster-related is about to occur. The screen will flash red letting you know it’s time to cover your eyes but peek through fingers just a little bit.

“Ah yes, the ever elusive Riverbeast. Half ape, half reptile, half I don’t know what.”

Visit the Shockmarathons site for more!