Terrible crap

Slaughterhouse Rock

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of Native American medicine men. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

Satan’s Wife

Satan’s Wife (1979)

The film opens with a disco satanic ritual featuring some nude dancers. Then we meet Carlotta (Anne Heywood), a former Satanist, and her daughter Daria (Lara Wendel), who Carlotta suspects is the child of Satan. Daria spends her time being a total asshole (so she has to be the devil’s kid) by torturing her teacher (Valentina Cortese) and a boy from her school. Carlotta seeks help from her witchy friends and even an evil priest (John Phillip Law) but Daria is too strong for them all. There is a final showdown but you’ll only see it if you’re still awake at the end of the movie.

If you were looking for the worst satanic horror film ever made, you’d meet up with Satan’s Wife AKA Ring of Darkness on your way down the list. Way, way down. Pier Carpi serves as both director and writer on this one and botches them both pretty good. The film is also edited poorly and it feels as though scenes are out of order but they probably aren’t. The dubbing is particularly atrocious as are the lame visual effects. Stelvio Cipriani’s score is a synthmare (which I normally appreciate) but sounds awfully familiar. It may be made up outtakes from other better film scores.

One reason to check out this mess is for all the great actors on hand. Anne “Chiseled Cheekbones” Heywood of The Killer Is On the Phone is great as the exasperated mother of the daughter of Satan. Heywood is always good for some Joan Collins level silliness and this film is no exception. Dig on her rocker makeup for the big final ceremony. Valentina Cortese of Juliet of the Spirits and Irene Papas of Oasis of Fear are pretty great and do a fine job in this terrible flick. John Phillip Law and Marisa Mell of Diabolik? What the hell? Were they bored that year or something? The insanely beautiful Paola Tedesco of Watch Me When I Kill is here as well but I wish she wasn’t. Tedesco, who hasn’t acted since the early 80s, is totally underused in this film.

Lara Wendel would show up for a grisly death scene in Tenebre a few years after this nightmare. She would even get starring roles in Umberto Lenzi’s wacko Ghosthouse and the completely ridiculous Joe D’Amato-produced Zombie 5: Killing Birds. In Satan’s Wife, Wendel has some pretty cool moments but mostly this child of the devil doesn’t act very evil. Daria just seems like a smug teenage jerk who is obsessed with dolls and occasionally talks directly to the camera. The potential is there for a really creepy performance but Pier Capri’s confused script just isn’t up to the task.

It’s impossible not to be a little underwhelmed and/or insulted by Satan’s Wife but if you’re like me, you’ll ignore the bad reviews and watch this sleazy crap anyway. Pier Carpi’s film is a bottom of the barrel Exorcist/Omen-clone but it does feature some unintentional comedy from the terrible dialogue, pitiful overacting, and wacky opening dance number. Pretty much everyone involved (except the director/writer) has done better work elsewhere. There are some interesting elements like how all of Carlotta’s old satanic buddies’ lives are destroyed because of their alliance to the dark lord. Hey, you know what? This film features a chess analogy! Okay, okay, don’t watch this one.

“Where did you get my sword? I told you never to go near that cupboard!”

The Devil Within Her (1975)

Ex-stripper Lucy Carlesi (played by Joan Collins) has just given birth to a healthy baby boy named Nicholas. The newborn has incredible strength and is prone to violence causing Lucy to believe the child is possessed, possibly by Satan himself. Of course, no one (including her husband, Gino (Ralph Bates)) believes her but what they don’t know is that Hercules, a dwarf (George Claydon) from her strip club days, placed a curse on Lucy’s firstborn child because she wouldn’t return his affections. Despite his best efforts, Dr. Finch (Donald Pleasence) cannot determine what is causing the child to exhibit such horrible behavior. As mysterious “accidents” continue to happen to those taking care of Nicholas, Lucy’s sister-in-law, Sister Albana (Eileen Atkins), believes that the child’s problems are more than just scientific.

Peter Sasdy, director of Hammer entries such as Taste the Blood of Dracula and Hands Of the Ripper, brings this transcendentally trashy Joan Collins vehicle to the screen. Even though The Devil Within Her is a tasteless The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby-inspired romp, the talent behind the cinematography, lighting, and editing are all competent. Veteran film and TV composer, Ron Grainer (The Omega Man), provides the excellently surf/prog/pop score that seems to have been written for an entirely different movie. So that leaves us with plot. Oh doctor! The plot is unbelievably insipid as evidenced by the gratuitous sex scene between Bates and Collins (character development!). The life-draining script crashes and burns so often that even the actors actually look stunned reciting it.

It really shows the dedication of the cast to put up with all this crap. The faith vs. science debate between Dr. Finch and Sister Albana is quite inspired considering the horrible dialogue. As usual, Donald Pleasence can deliver anything with unshakable sincerity. Even Eileen Atkins (Equus, Cold Comfort Farm) is able to lend her incredible talent to this drivel. I recommend putting this entire scene on mute and imagining something inspiring.

It’s hard to get around Ralph Bates’ (Lust for a Vampire) awkward pseudo-Italian accent to tell if he’s actually giving a good performance here. I wanted to see more of Caroline Munro (Maniac) as Lucy’s stripper buddy, Mandy, but there wasn’t much for her character to do. John Steiner (Tenebre, Shock) is also present as the vile Tommy, Lucy’s ex-lover whose bloody nose at the baby’s hands is well deserved.

And then there’s Joan Collins. First of all, one doesn’t merely watch a Joan Collins film, one experiences it! The Devil Within Her is Collins’ last foray into the horror genre and what a shame (that’s not sarcasm)! Her awe inspiring ultra-melodramatics are quite comical during the narration of Lucy’s flashbacks and her expressions of terror steamroll across the screen.

And finally, the most misused and abused actor in the film (besides the uncredited baby playing Nicholas) is George Claydon as Hercules. The exploitative nature of his role is propelled into the stratosphere when (through painful jump-cuts) Hercules takes the place of Nicholas in the crib wearing baby clothes. Other than being an evil little person there’s absolutely nothing to his character at all. And when Hercules cops a feel on Lucy, how does she react? With revulsion!

The Devil Within Her (AKA I Don’t Want to Be Born or even better It’s Growing Inside Her) is an extremely derivative and unintentionally hilarious anti-masterpiece. The sleaze factor is quite high in this movie. There’s attack-baby violence, dejected strippers, and a lecherous curse-spewing dwarf all for your entertainment. I highly recommend this beastly and warped little film but only because of its mega-campy merits. The Devil Within Her is quality entertainment and is painful fun tailor made for anyone with twisted ideas of what constitutes a good time in front of the TV. I love every minute of it.

“I’ve got to find someone like Gino before I bump and grind myself to death.”

The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (1975)

It’s 1902, in Ireland, and a group of actresses are invited to stay at the castle of Count Richard Marnack (played by Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). He is especially attracted to Evelyn (Patrizia Webley) because she reminds him of his dead wife. Or maybe she’s missing. Something. Oh yeah, there’s a curse in the Marnack family bloodline where the men go crazy and cut their wives’ heads off. I think that’s what it was. Anyway, it isn’t long before members of the group start turning up with their heads cut off. Ugh, I can’t even summon up the energy to describe this bag of crap.

Man oh man, this is one busted-ass Italian cinematic nightmare. I’ve seen many gialli with weak plots, tepid scripts, awkward actors, painfully over-the-top performances, cheap gore effects, listless direction, bland sets, unimaginative lighting, lame dubbing, and a complete lack of suspense. However, all of these factors rarely occur in the SAME DANG FILM! Alfredo Rizzo, I’m calling you out! The curiously (and severely misleadingly) titled The Bloodsucker Leads The Dance is one dreary movie experience. If you can even get through the longest 89 minutes on Earth, you’ll wonder why you did.

As to why these actors ever showed up to work everyday… Well, it must be some kind of a miracle. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart of The Night Evelyn Came Out of Her Grave and Death Smiled at Murder has certainly been much better in other films. I can’t really blame him for sleepwalking through this one. Krista Nell (Night of the Devils) seems to be the only one having any fun as Cora, the slutty actress. Redhead hottie Femi Benussi (Strip Nude for Your Killer) seems utterly confounded as to the “complex” nature of her role as Sybil, the maid. Shhh, she’s got a secret love for Count Marnack! God help poor Evelyn, played by the beautiful Patrizia Webley in her film debut (ouch).

Comic relief comes from Leo Valeriano as Samuel, stagehand and manager for the actresses. No, wait. I actually have no clue what this duder’s purpose is. Anyway, this sad schmuck is ridiculed by the ladies throughout the film. They refer to him as being “half a man” (?) and never miss an opportunity to remind him that they think of him as a eunuch. As an actor, Valeriano is awful but he does manage to put some of the most bizarre and hilariously inappropriate facial expressions I’ve ever seen into his performance.

The plodding pace of Bloodsucker will destroy your happy thoughts. As for the film’s “finale”, um… no. The big reveal goes off like a wet firework. For those of you brave souls out there who insist on seeing every Italian horror movie ever made and for those that will ignore my warnings about the unfathomable suck that is The Bloodsucker Leads The Dance, here is the only reason to watch this film: sex and nudity. Oh yeah, and there a couple of really pathetic and cheap severed heads. Dang, this may just be the worst giallo ever made. Yeah, don’t watch this… unless you want to.

“The world is a stage but sometimes it isn’t.”

Elvis is my copilot.

This is a chapter from the book called Doomed Moviethon. Get your copy right here!

For some reason, Elvis Presley has never really appealed to me. I’ve heard some songs I liked but it wasn’t until LeEtta and I started binging his films on cable when I realized that I kinda love the guy. The appeal of Elvis movies are really hard to explain. They’re basically great and the really bad ones are even greater. They’re like James Bond movies. Exactly like them. I didn’t pull any quotes from these movies because well, I don’t think they’re very quotable. This could also be called The Norman Taurog Moviethon.

FRIDAY

After a quick trip to the grocery store for weekend supplies and dinner (subs from a fancy restaurant called Publix), we eat and then I clean the litterbox. I may have washed my hands once or twice. Let’s get this shit started. There’s a stack of 25 Elvis movies that aren’t going to watch themselves. You’re the hound dog now, man!

6:31PM – JAILHOUSE ROCK (1957)

This black and white number features our beloved hero being a total dickhead. Elvis plays Vince Everett, a construction worker who accidentally kills a man with his bare hands and goes to jail. His cellmate named Honk or Hunk teaches him how to pay for sex with cigarettes. Then Honk or Hunk teaches Vince how to play a diminished 7th chord on the guitar and how to sing. Big shocker: the kid has a knack for it!

The dickishness begins when Vince immediately screws over Honk or Hunk when he gets out of prison by not honoring the contract they carved into a prison guard’s back. Now a famous rock and roller, Vince transforms into the terrible person we’re sitting through a movie about. His angsty sarcasm is grating but his dreamy eyes keep drawing me back in. This tedious melodrama is based on true events. The weirdest moment comes when Honk or Hunk walks Vince’s dogs until their feet bleed.

8:11PM – FLAMING STAR (1960)

Now here’s one we’ve never seen before. Elvis plays Pacer Burton, a half-Native American so yeah, this is going to get very topical. LeEtta is smitten with Steve Forrest who plays Pacer’s Caucasian bro who just doesn’t understand. I don’t blame her for her crush. Elvis looks like a stick figure next to him when they have their shirts off. The movie explodes when some Native Americans ride in and kill some of their friends. Tomahawks and flaming arrows are flying and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Can I turn this off now?

The incongruous fashions are fun at least. It’s a period piece but that all stops with the wardrobe department. The day for night filters are just confusing. Buffalo Horn wants Pacer to join their army because a war with the white man is coming. I think this film had its heart in the right place but the portrayal of Native Americans just ain’t working out. Hopefully, Elvis’s other westerns are better than this. Barbara Steele was going to be in this, but she was replaced by Barbara Eden and all of her scenes got cut. It’s probably for the best.

SATURDAY

Well, we’ve hit a snag. I woke up with a wicked sinus headache. Yardwork was almost impossible, especially since it’s July in Florida. When the back wheels of the mower fell off, I decided to stop.  After a shower and a nap for me, our friend Kat comes over and we go to a late lunch at Senor Tequila, my current obsession. We get home and I put on the first and rather late movie of the day.

3:11PM – VIVA LAS VEGAS (1964)

Elvis plays Lucky Jackson, a race car driver entering the Las Vegas Grand Pricks. That wasn’t a typo. Ann-Margret’s legs show up and lucky is immediately competing with an Italian count (Cesare Danova) for her affections. If you like tacky shit then this film is a feast for your senses. The best sequence is when Lucky and his boyfriend go looking for Ann-Margret by hitting all the shows in Vegas. Assuming that she is a showgirl and not a doctor or a lawyer is sexist. They finally track her down at a swimming pool where she works as a lifeguard. Now they are singing together? Is that a thing in these movies?

Lucky’s luck runs out when he loses a wad of cash in the pool and can’t buy a motor before the big race. It’s okay because Ann-Margret’s butt makes everything okay. When this fabulous couple dance on a giant roulette wheel, I think it’s a metaphor for anal sex. Ann-Margret can’t handle the idea of Lucky getting in a car wreck so they break up. It all works out when he buys her a tree. It’s a metaphor for 69ing.

4:45PM – BLUE HAWAII (1961)

In one of my favorite Elvis movies, Elvis plays Chad Gates, a G.I. returning home to Hawaii. Chad’s lady friend named Maile (Joan Blackman) is waiting for him on the tarmac just in time to see him macking on a stewardess. In the car, he sings to Maile about how he was “almost always true” to her. Unbelievable! Chad avoids his overbearing family because he doesn’t want to work in the pineapple factory. This movie is so good because almost nothing happens in it. I miss painted backdrops. This movie is so dreamy already and I want to doze off.

To piss off his overbearing parents (including Angela Lansbury as his mom), Chad takes a job as a tour guide. Things get complicated when a sexy teacher and her teenage jerk students need to be shown around the island. Our friend Kat has pointed out that Elvis’s face just looks confused when he’s rocking out and now I can’t un-see it. The World’s Biggest Fuckhead award goes to Ellie. She falls for Chad and tries to seduce him with her subtle-as-a-tidal-wave teen sexy ways. When Chad flips out and spanks her, we all start screaming. There’s 1000 songs in this movie and one of them is about Chad’s pal who eats too much.

6:29PM – DOUBLE TROUBLE (1967)

The only thing that I remember about this film is that it sucks. The opening credits are a swingin’ good time of camp and the opening musical number is guitar porn for me. Elvis plays Guy Lambert, a singer on tour in England. His manager is a British schlub. Elvis looks bored and I don’t blame him at all. Guy is romancing a girl named Jill and it’s like watching a funeral. A joke just happened in the movie and we all nearly smirked. It turns out Guy’s love interest is a schoolgirl posing as an adult. Woops!

There’s a stolen diamond plot that makes me excited about this movie. Now someone is trying to kill Jill. A black-gloved killer?! Giallo tease. There’s so much corduroy in this film that I’m starting to chafe. Elvis starts singing the rock and roll version of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and now I know why people hate these movies. Director Norman Taurog is the devil. Diamond smugglers and an inheritance scheme? Who cares? Elvis just jumped out of a window to escape this film.

8:05PM – SPINOUT (1966)

My brain is mush and this is only the fourth film of the day. I know I’ve seen this before but it’s all a blur. Elvis plays Mike McCoy, a musician slash racecar driver. Shelley Fabares is in this. You may know her as the voice of Martha Kent in that Superman cartoon. I like her. We’ll see her again in a more memorable movie later. Mike plays a friggin’ rad guitar and his band has a girl drummer that’s melting my heart. Some lady is following Mike around while taking notes and watching him through binoculars. I hate it when that happens.

Elvis has returned to his dickish ways in this movie! Mike refuses a $5000 gig because of his principles not even thinking about his bandmates. Take the money, goofus. The woman following Mike around is writing a book about the “Perfect American Male”. It’s Diane McBain. You may know her as Pinky Pinkston from the Batman TV show. Help me. I’m drowning in my own references. Bless you, Google™. The plot is this: Mike doesn’t want to get married. It’s dumb as balls and the shitty jokes are awesome. This is like watching every Elvis movie at once. I think the song “Smorgasbord” is about having multiple STDs.

SUNDAY

After sleeping in very late, we put on a Lawrence Welk record and have bagels and coffee. It’s French Vanilla iced coffee for me with, get this, NO SUGAR! I feel infinitely better than yesterday but I think 25 movies may have been a little overly ambitious on my part. Crisco pukes up his breakfast. After breakfast, I do chores and then make a horrible mistake: I put on Harum Scarum [sic]. Let’s get this bullshit over with.

11:31AM – HARUM SCARUM (1965)

This opens with a movie within a movie bit. So it’s like a turd-filled donut and the donut is made of shit. Elvis plays Johnny Tyronne, a singer/actor on a goodwill tour of a country called Kibblestan(?). He falls for a princess and gets kidnapped. This movie has more white people done up as middle easterners than I am comfortable with. To be fair, I’m comfortable with exactly none. The king of the assassins has seen Johnny’s karate and wants him to kill the king. He says no and so they whip him. The costume designer should be whipped. According to trivia, the director himself designed Elvis’s terrible costume in the movie. What?

“I must seize the doorknob of opportunity whenever I hear a knock.” Did Shakespeare write this? I’m very concerned about the safety of the peacocks in this film. Who was the peacock wrangler? I hate to say it but man, this movie sucks ass. This is still the worst Elvis movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Tickle Me (1965). Everything that happens in this movie is either flubbery embarrassment or vastly inappropriate. Next!

1:58PM – EASY COME, EASY GO (1967)

After grilling up some bacon, hotdogs, and asparagus, we start up a film. In this, Elvis plays Ted Jackson, a lieutenant in the navy who disarms underwater mines. After discovering some treasure in the ocean, Ted and his crew enlist the help of Jud, played by Pat Harrington Jr. AKA Schneider from “One Day at a Time”. This guy is an inventor and a scum-sucking pig. He invented the Wheel of Women™ that you spin to help you choose your next conquest. It has women, their phone numbers, and measurements. It’s nicer than the one LeEtta and I have in our rumpus room.

Some supporting actors make this movie bearable. The yoga song is completely insane. Elvis plays a real dick in this one too! He’s trying to steal the gold from the wreck which belongs to someone else. He also says that treasure hunting is no job for a girl. Boo! Everything gets even more convoluted when some Aryan Nation Blonde Ambition Tour looking motherfucker gets involved and wants to steal the treasure for himself. Plotty plot plot and I don’t care.

3:35PM- CHARRO! (1969)

Ooh, I’m digging that spaghetti western-style credit sequence. Let’s see. This was filmed in Arizona and Hollywood, California and not Italy or Spain. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess. Elvis plays Jess Wade, a cowboy going around asking if a woman has been asking for him. Huh? Victor French (of “Highway to Heaven”) is in this as the villain. He and his cronies have a golden cannon with silver wheels. Things get nasty when he burns Elvis’s neck with a hot poker which probably smelled delicious. Put some of that on a banana and peanut butter sandwich.

After taming a wild horse in 5 minutes, Elvis goes to meet up with someone who may or may not be his dad or something. Whatever, Elvis is pretty good in this. I wish he’d gone to Europe and had made a real spaghetti western or a Jess Franco film. I’m going to say this even though everyone knows it: ELVIS PRESLEY HAD FUCKING TERRIBLE MANAGEMENT. Ina Balin plays his love interest in this movie and hoo boy, she is frickin’ hot! I wish Charo was in Charro! Her cutchi-cutchi could have livened this up a bit. While I eat cherry pie that LeEtta made with ice cream, I dispassionately watch as this film drowns in its own stupid. I’m like Phil Collins!

5:16PM – CLAMBAKE (1967)

I’ve decided that we’ll only watch Elvis movies that we actually enjoy for the rest of the day so LeEtta picks Clambake. Wow, this DVD looks like complete shit. Elvis plays Scott Hayward. Scott doesn’t want to be vice president of his daddy’s oil company, so he switches places with his buddy Will Hutchins (who was in Spinout) so he can be a waterski instructor. Elvis’s rival in this is Bill Bixby! Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Oh snap, we’ve got a Florida movie on our hands. Well, some Florida exterior shots anyway that feature an Elvis stand-in that you can’t quite see so good.

Like most guys, Elvis just wants to know if a woman loves him for him and not for his millions of fancy dollars. Shelly Fabares is in this. Hell flippin’ yes! By my count this was Elvis’s 25th film. Holy shit. Boat racing? That’s his real passion. And mine! The highlight of this film is Elvis singing “Confidence” with a bunch of kids at a playground. It’s ridonk. More guitar porn in this film! I want to jump in the movie and steal all of these stringed things. We spotted a very picturesque mountain range in the old Florida skyline.

6:57PM – SPEEDWAY (1968)

Elvis plays Steven Grayson, a racecar driver. Enough bullshit, let’s have some fascinating racing footage! Nancy Sinatra shows up as an IRS stooge who has it in for Elvis after his manager (Bill Bixby again!) royally fucks up their finances. After the scintillating racing footage, everyone goes to Birdie’s, an insane diner/nightclub that looks like the inside of Herbie the Love Bug’s asshole. Speaking of insane, Nancy Sinatra’s hair in this is totally deranged. LeEtta says that she looks even more bored than Elvis. It’s not a huge surprise that this was her last movie.

While Elvis tries to save his pal and destitute family who’re now living in a station wagon, Bixby is trying to fuck everything in sight. At least I think that’s what is going on, I’m not really paying attention. Ross Hagen from The Side Hackers (1969) is in this. He’s always great. That’s still my favorite MST3K episode because I know you were wondering. There’s thunder rumbling outside and making me want to watch something gory and violent. Speedway is kind of great.

8:35PM – IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR (1963)

Now the E-Man is a pilot named Mike Edwards who cares more about divebombing girls than the chemicals he’s dumping on potato crops. His moron friend named Danny, who has a gambling addiction, runs afoul of some bad people so they have to leave town fast. Mike’s constant womanizing will likely get him killed as well, so whatever. My favorite scene: Elvis walking through a screen door. That got an actual laugh out of me. Mike and Danny’s plane gets impounded so they go out on the road to make some cash. I guess they’ll blow dudes for money or blow each other in front of other dudes for money.

They get a lift from a kindly Chinese man (Kam Tong) who has a niece AKA the most adorable little plot device that ever walked this planet. Her name is Sue-Lin and she’s oh so precious. Mike takes Sue-Lin to the World’s Fair because her uncle has to blah blah. This movie is how I got into World’s Fairs and now own several of my own. I’m funny!

Mike feeds the kid 85 pounds of junk food and then has to take her to the nurse’s station where he meets his love interest Diane (Joan O’Brien). She’s into him but because Mike is a walking penis, he fucks it up. Oh little Kurt Russel, you little scamp! Who knew that kicking Elvis in the shin would make you turn into him? What else? Um, Yvonne Craig is in this one and Danny is a real piece of shit. This isn’t my favorite Elvis movie but I think it’s one of his best.

MONDAY

Last night, my sinus headache returned so the idea of another movie was out of the question. There is also the possibility that Jason Voorhees -wearing a pair of blue suede shoes- kicked down my door and chopped my head off.  After sleeping in, we have breakfast at Brunchies and then go to Lowe’s for plants and replacement mower wheels. After some grueling yardwork, I quickly run out to pick up a cigar and some lunch.

12:48PM – G.I. BLUES (1960)

Struggling with our yard has put me in a terrible mood. Make me happy or die, movie. Elvis plays Tulsa McLean, an army duder with a tank crew stationed in Germany. He and his buds are trying to raise some cold hard cash for a nightclub in Oklahoma. I’m not going to encourage these goofballs because they’re taking bets on who can bed a girl named Lili. They actually have money riding on whether or not Tulsa or some other creepo named Turk can nail this poor woman. The saving grace to all of this disgusting crap is that Elvis is on frickin’ fire in this one.

Ooh! Letícia Román from Mario Bava’s The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963) is in this one! There’s lots of silliness that makes the dumb bet get more complicated. While Tulsa is trying to woo Lili, he sings “Pocketful of Rainbows”. It’s a fantastic song. Holy shit. Then Elvis takes care of a baby and then he mocks people a lot. My buddy Nafa joins us (he’s an actual Elvis fan and a reason to keep going!) just in time for some dreadful post-dubbed dialog slapped clumsily into this film.

2:35PM – ROUSTABOUT (1964)

Elvis plays Charlie Rogers, a dick. His character is nowhere near the dickitude of Jailhouse Rock but yeah. He works in a dive bar where he angers some frat boys by utterly humiliating them. There’s lots of drama. Charlie gets arrested after using karate on the frat boys and the hot waitress lady bails him out. Then she slaps his face. Nice! It’s all very desperate. On the way to the way to the next town, he gets run off the road by the only guy in the movie who’s a bigger shithead than he is, a drunk carnival employee named Joe Lean (Leif Erickson).

Joe’s daughter Cathy will be our love interest for this 101 minutes of Elvisness. She’s played by Joan Freeman of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984). Maggie (Barbara Stanwyck) the owner of the carnival has the bright idea to give Charlie a job until his broken motorcycle is fixed. The carnival is in trouble with the bank and the competing carnival tycoon is a total doucheknuckle. More importantly, Charlie is treating Cathy like shit already. He didn’t even wait until marriage!

Drunk ass Joe Lean is bringing me down. I want to jump inside the movie and slice his throat to put everyone out of his misery but I don’t want to make him a martyr. We all have a good time soaking up the dreadful dialog featuring the secret language of carnies. The tension of the dunk tank sequence is palpable. I actually feel really anxious during it. Then the movie comes to a complete stop while Charlie drives his bike around the Wall of Death. Ugh.

4:18PM – FOLLOW THAT DREAM (1962)

It’s time to return to Florida. And there are actual Florida locations this time! Elvis plays Jethro Clampett. Just kidding, he plays Toby. He and his family of hicks are too dumb to function. This film establishes its tone super fast by slowing down. They find an abandoned beach and take advantage of a zoning loophole in order to do some expert squatting. This movie is quaint and kind of brilliant. Nafa points out that Elvis isn’t cool in this movie, he’s just a clever simpleton.

The mafia moves in and sets up trailers for some illegal gambling. Their cunning street smarts are no match for hillbilly wisdom. Queue the good natured fight sequence! The hot social worker lady has the hots for Toby but that’s too bad for her. He says he isn’t into girls because he doesn’t want all the bother. So he’s asexual. Just say it, movie! Arthur O’Connell is in this. I always mix him up with Jack Albertson.

CIGAR BREAK

I light up a Casa Fernandez cigar and drink some iced tea LeEtta made with a side of Gatorade. Nafa and I shoot the proverbial poop while we watch the rain come in. I’m definitely not asexual! I try to count how many films we’ve covered so far and I literally don’t know. Let’s just say that it’s not the projected 25 titles. Woops! It got nice and cool out when it rained, then it went back to being hot again. Time to get back to the Elvis creature.

6:52PM – KISSIN’ COUSINS (1964)

The military wants to put a missile base on Big Smoky Mountain. Since Admiral Josh Morgan (Elvis) comes from hillbilly country, they want him to negotiate with the Tatums, some stubborn mountain folk, for the deed to the area. The likelihood of tomfoolery and hijinks is very high. Hold on! There’s two Elvises in this one!? Or is that Elvi? Jody Tatum is Josh’s cousin and he’s blond. This is ridiculous! I’ve never seen the great Elvis Presley in something as silly as this before! I hope these two cousins start kissing soon. Yep, two Elvis Presleys kissing. Talk about your special effects!

Arthur O’Connell and Jack Albertson are both in this one! WTF? Are they cousins? Did they kiss? LeEtta and Nafa say that they’ve both seen this film before but wow yeah, it’s new to me. The female cousins are hot! Jody looks like he stole a wig from William Shatner. The negotiation scene with the Tatums and the military is turning my hair gray. Kissin’ Cousins is the most sexually charged film in this moviethon. Even for Elvis, this is a weird one. I’m not sure where I end and this movie begins. Nafa and I agree that this is a prequel to Rambo.

8:39PM – GIRL HAPPY (1965)

I’m calling it. This is the last film. It’s my favorite Elvis film of all time so we might as well go out with a bang. I wouldn’t call this my most successful moviethon. Much like Elvis Presley’s film career, it was equal parts wildly fun and fucking terrible. Elvis plays Rusty Wells, a musician in Chicago. He and his band travel to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to keep an eye on their boss’s daughter. Their boss is Big Frank (Harold J. Stone) who’s a professional sexist. His daughter is an enchanting “nerd” named Valerie (Shelley Fabares once again). Of course, she’s actually super cute so Rusty and his band of goofballs will have to earn their money.

I really want to check into the Sea Drift Motel. This is the greatest film ever made. All of the fake sets, rear projection, and kooky idiocy of Hollywood corniness that we need is right here. Pair this with Spinout and you’ll never need to see another Elvis movie again. I must say that Brentwood Von Durgenfeld AKA BVD is an MVP. Rusty’s pals aren’t a big help when it comes to being helpful. Their idea of keeping Valerie distracted from her Italian stud suitor is to chase after wild chicks in padded 60s bikinis. Nothing spells “beach time fun” like Elvis refusing to take his windbreaker off. You need to see this.

Doomed Discussiethon: Zombie Death House

Zombie Death House

Directed by John Saxon

1987

90 minutes

Plot: Vietnam vet Derek Keillor (Dennis Cole) pays the bills by working as a driver for mob boss Vic Moretti (Anthony Franciosa). When Vic discovers that his driver has been sleeping with his wife, he kills her and frames Derek for the crime. The jail he is sent to houses Vic’s brother Franco (Michael Pataki) and which also happens to be the most corrupt prison in the world. Colonel Gordon Burgess (John Saxon) is using the inmates to test a mind control virus. He calls in scientist Tanya Karrington (Tane McClure) to confirm and report on the success of his research. But everything goes wrong, the inmates turn into zombies and it is up to Tanya and Derek to come up with a cure. When Burgess begins to fear that he can’t contain the virus, he sends in the military to blow up the joint. Will anyone survive? Will anyone notice that I just skipped over about 90% of the plot of this convoluted ass movie?

[Please note: There are spoilers in this article because the warden short-sheeted us.]

Nafa: Right from the get-go you know you are in for a treat when the title screen pops up with the words ‘Zombie Death House’ but you notice the word ‘Zombie’ was added at some point later, probably for DVD release . Rather than make a completely new title screen they just threw the word ‘Zombie’ in with a similar but not matching font. They could have used a scary font or a different font, or played it off as intentionally different, but no- the viewer won’t notice, they’ll be too busy marking out for John Saxon (which I always have, but only because his name in the ‘80s reminded me of the video game Zaxxon). But we’ll deal with the cast in a moment. The other 800-lb. gorilla in the room is the feeling that you’re watching a made-for-TV film. I’m thinking one episode of “Hardcastle & McCormick” probably had a bigger budget, not that that’s a bad thing. Herr Sliz?

Richard: Duder, are we connected at the butt or what? Oh sorry, this is a prison film after all. But I did notice the font change. I think it was intentional. The slightly different font just makes the inclusion of the word ‘Zombie’ all the more terrifying. The next thing that struck me (slightly more interesting than fonts anyway) is the music by Chuck Cirino. Check out this dude’s IMDB page and bear witness to the supremely awesome movies he has lent sassy keyboard skills to (Chopping Mall, Sorority House Massacre II, etc.). All we need to know about our main character Derek Keillor is that he’s a Vietnam vet. I freakin’ love that about 80s movies. Just show that the duder was in ‘Nam and you can flush all that unnecessary character exposition right down the shitter. Instant depth!

Nafa: I am soooooo not buying the intentional font change theory. It’s totally there to appeal to a bigger audience on DVD. But I digest. ‘Nam vets make the best -erm- everything. There wasn’t an ‘80s action flick or TV show that didn’t have at least one kick ass guy who served in ‘Nam-Rambo, the “A-Team”, the soldiers from the original Predator, Sloth from The Goonies. The formulaic thing about these HollywoodNam vets is that they always end up working for a bad Italianesque mobster. I don’t know if there is a hook-up book for these pairings but it seems like a thing with them all. Oh, and hot, if not dated (in the fashion sense), blondes.

Richard: The blond women of Zombie Death House are pretty amazing. First up is Genelle (Dana Lis Mason) who has this really odious make-out scene with her gangster boyfriend Vic Moretti (Anthony Franciosa). Of course, Genelle hooks up with Derek “I just drive” Keillor and the sparks fly. And by sparks I mean awful sex scenes. This affair leads to Genelle’s untimely drowning in the bathtub by Vic. And just like this movie, she’s a floater.

The most significant hottie in the film is Tanya Karrington or TK for short. Tanya is played by Tane McClure, who is the daughter of actor Doug McClure and the inspiration for Journey’s classic piece of shit “Faithfully”. Useless trivia? Not at all. I couldn’t figure out if TK was a scientist or a journalist. I guess she’s kind of both but whatever, the main thing is that TK has trust issues. You see, she got burned by Colonel Burgess (John Saxon) before when they were working together on the previous version of the mind control virus. You just can’t trust da gubment.

And finally, we have the soul-crushing, ball-busting, mega supreme power of Warden Hagen’s wife, Mary (June Chandler, who portrayed Barbara Walters in the Mike Tyson made-for-TV biography). She threatens to take away Christmas if Hagen doesn’t abandon his job for some family time. Okay, I’ve spent too much time talking about chicks. Nafa, would you care to enlighten us on some of the fabulous dudes in this film?

Nafa: The cast is a veritable who’s who of people you think you’ve seen in other roles but can’t quite place. There’s the head guard, Raker (Howard George, best known in recent years for his work as ‘Stripper Auditioner’ on “Roswell”), who brings new meaning to the word ‘corrupt’- if the new meaning meant the same as the old meaning. Then there’s the “guy you want to survive to the end but know won’t though he gets his revenge” Adams (Earl Johnson), a Rastafarian sage and the only thing with even a vague sense of a spiritual soul in this film. And then there’s Franco Moretti (Michael Pataki), flamboyant brother of Vic Moretti, who runs his brother’s business inside the big house. He proves that behind every good man is another man doing his hair. The rest of the cast is consists of people who you’d use other celebrities to reference- such as the gang duder in the red headband who looks like George Lopez, the soldier with one scene who looks like Michael Ian Black, or Colonel Burgess’ assistant who I swear is Andy Richter.

Richard: That guy is so Andy Richter. Awesome. Hey, is the phrase “tearing him a new asshole” code for something? Michael Pataki (of Sidehackers) is a god among other gods in this movie. Franco Moretti is such a fancy character. I have to agree with you about Adams. He’s my favorite character in the movie and he gets killed off way too soon. It’s actually pretty sad: “They stuck me!” The guy who looks like George Lopez is Rickey Pardon and he plays Hector, the kickass bastard who says “Hey mamacita, I’m you’re date for the prom!” Raker seemed pretty harmless and ineffectual until he RAPES Franco’s cellmate/life partner. His best line: “Save your spit, you’re gonna need it in Hell.”

Anthony Franciosa (of Tenebre) is the real catch here. The guy has the most fascinating voice ever to slide its way out of a human head (with awesome immovable hair). He is completely committed to this role and exudes evil in every scene. John Saxon (also of Tenebre) is in pretty amazing form here as well. The dude is in the director’s chair for this one and his character is the mastermind behind all this mind control zombie nuttiness. Of course, Saxon ensured that Colonel Burgess would get a monologue that is nothing short of breathtaking.

[The rest of this very Doomed Discussiethon is being written literally 3 and a half months later.]

Nafa: Have we watched this film yet?

Richard: Oops! Yeah, we totally watched this film already. I guess the holidays kind of put a screeching halt on this discussion. Let me refer to my notes and see what we haven’t talked about yet.

Nafa: Yeah, I’m sorry about that- I totally dropped the ball on this. I guess the terrorists win.

Richard: We need to talk about the chef. “Don’t touch my twinkies!”

Nafa: Ah yes, the chef. Probably one of the most expected-yet-unexpected scenes in the film and by far the best line in the film. The thing that creeped me out most about the chef is that I started to think that he wasn’t a zombie, just a Twinkie-lover (wow, that last word pairing was very close to another prison term, though not entirely divergent). The thought that he was cooking the food just as he is makes it all the better in my mind. Re-butt-al?

Richard: Yeah, I foolishly assumed that the chef duder was a zombie. But he could have just been a total dick with a skin condition. I wanted him to kill that fucking annoying Luke look-at-me-I-can-has-skateboard-kid. Did I mention that dream sequence yet? Oh my god. You think that we’re going to get some R rated lovin’ between hero Derek and TK the sexy scientist but oh no, that’s just a dream. Like the duder didn’t get enough action from his boss’s wife (which landed him in jail in the first dang place), now he has to have the hots for the heroine. What a pig! But he gets his when her face is all zombified which probably wouldn’t slow me down in a fantasy sequence.

Nafa: Which reminds me of another point. I sort of got confused with the blondes once they were thrown into the mix together. That happens sometimes, but I sort of lost track which was which. Maybe I’m thinking of another movie, but probably not. Probably both. That’s the thing about 1970s-1980s films like this, sometimes the characters aren’t all that indistinguishable. Just like having a cave in a mountain for a prison that’s located in the middle of the desert (smooth segue, no?).

Richard: Don’t worry. You’re just having a perfectly normal reaction to what some doctors refer to as TERRIBLE or CHILDLIKE screenwriting. Don’t get me wrong, I frickin’ love the cheese and the whole quasi-epic nature of Zombie Death House but I was perfectly satisfied and ready for this shit to be over. And then it goes on for another 19 minutes! The army gets called in and instead of just nuking the fucking prison off the map, they send in a squad to plant bombs. Timed bombs?!?! As if we weren’t bored enough; now we have to wait for a bunch of clocks?

Nafa: I was about to skip all the wait to the very end, but the bomb squad- and not the music producers for Public Enemy kind- what was that all about? Were they Special Forces? Spetsnaz? Tzahal? I mean, what was that? They weren’t very good, but they were awfully special. Urgh. OK, the end. We can assume that this prison in the middle of the desert was at least 12 miles away from any isolated caves or mountains. If not, then this was the worst protected prison ever. (And why did it remind me of the end of Silent Rage?) I think I was watching this ending and making up a different one in my head to go along with it. Bah, I’ve got no more to say. I’m thoroughly spent on this film. Can you put a bow and name tag on this for us, Sliz? Any thoughts on the ending?

Richard: It sucks and it takes forever? Hmm, I will admit to the overall awesomeness of the entirety of Zombie Death House but with the CAVEAT that the shit is just too friggin’ long. And then the weirdest non sequitur of all: they play Dead Kennedys over the end credits! Even that can’t help John Saxon recover. I can only hope that the duder will return to directing and give this gig another go. The writers shouldn’t ever write again though. I’m assuming that they are probably in their mid-20s by now. I guess what I really want to say is that Zombie Death House is what Missing in Action could have been or perhaps what that “Oz” show could have been. Sigh.

Goodnight, folks!

Nightmare Zone

Nightmare Zone (1998)

This trilogy of horror stories begins when May Ho (Emily Kwan) becomes bored and calls her family’s old phone number only to find herself on the other line. In the next story, Mr. Tin (Lai Yiu Cheung) and his wife, Lily (Cheung Yuen Man), are just trying to get by in their failing marriage and squalid apartment. Tin’s urge to murder innocent people after they even slightly offend him and Lily’s need to carry a meat cleaver around with her at all times don’t help matters much. Lastly, Simon Chu (Max Mok) is haunted by dreams of the past and finds that the only one who can help him is the con artist, Feng Chin (Yvonne Yung).

I can’t even say “Nightmare Zone” without screaming, falling to my knees, and shaking my fists at the sky. Director Yuk Jan Lee’s horrifyingly bland and terrifyingly lame Nightmare Zone runs less than 90 minutes but feels just under 90 years long. Come to think of it, other than some stylish (yet very brief) moments in the cinematography department and amusing flubs in the subtitles (“Yeah, human is never up to the Heaven.”), there is nothing even remotely valuable about watching this picture. Well? Hold on, maybe I can come up with something.

The first story is filmed very nicely in a moody blue hue. Unfortunately, the script is gray and tan paisley. The unluckily named, May Ho (played by Emily Kwan of The Untold Story and Dr. Lamb), goes goth while feeling lonely without her boyfriend around (codependent!). Pretty sad to watch someone bottoming out in Hong Kong because she called herself and herself answered the phone. Confused? You won’t be but you’ll wish you were. May’s whipped boyfriend, Chi On, is sufficiently dreamy but man, get a life. The finale at the “Tin Tin Building” couldn’t come any sooner with an open or closed ending that hurts if I think about it too much. Not a good way to start the trilogy.

The best story of the three (and that isn’t saying much) is up next. The story of Mr. Tin (Lai Yui Cheung of The Stewardess) and his crazy wife has the plot of a Cat III flick but none of the extreme sex and violence. This is a damn shame since the best performances in Nightmare Zone are wasted on a tame and bloodless storyline. Other than a couple of quick murder scenes and some implied cannibalism, we’re left with a quick and unsatisfying ending to a decent story.

They saved the best for the last if you happen to hate entertainment. The gorgeous Yvonne Yung (Chinese Torture Chamber) plays Feng Chin, a fake psychic who cheats people out of their hard earned money. It’s amazing to watch such a beautiful woman playing a money-grubbing scumbag like this. Poor Simon Chu (Max Mok of Ghost Fever), he has to follow this biznitch around and try to find the answer to his dreams. Hell of a hobby. The ending will simply not stop taking its sweet time wrapping up and pretty soon the whole thing just induces giggles and eye-gouging.

If you feel you have to see every Asian horror movie ever made then put this one at the top of your list so you can get it over with quickly. Nightmare Zone gives all Hong Kong horror movies a bad name just by its very existence. I keep trying to figure out why I have watched this one twice when twice is three times too many. That’s it, screw this, I’m going out to have some “monkey affairs” of my own, whatever that means.

Hollywood’s New Blood

Hollywood’s New Blood (1988)

An actors’ seminar at a remote house in the woods is interrupted by a series of murders. Legend has it that many years ago, a movie crew got drunk and accidentally blew up a house belonging to the Glouster family. The bodies of the three brothers, Emil, Jeb, and Lou were never recovered. That’s because they weren’t really killed. No, no, no, no, no, NOOOOO, it’s not true. The Glouster boys just got burned real bad and now they are killing the actors one by one.

Sometimes when a store is liquidating their VHS stock, people get hurt. I am one of those people. Hollywood’s New Blood may have cost me only a dollar on that fateful day but what I was really losing was much, much more. My sanity, my dignity, the respect of my wife, and even my ability to have children (lawsuit pending) were all things I lost when I sat down to watch this monotonous slab of death-cheese.

Director James Shyman, in league with the devil, brings us 10 minutes of plot in a 77 minute film. Thanks, fucker. Punctuating nearly every line of dialogue are endless shots of the forest. The editor (some joker from L.A. Video-Grams) is brilliant. One of his finest juxtapositions comes when he superimposes the image of one of the actors roasting marshmallows with that of the burned face of one of the Glouster brothers. That shit is chilling, yo.

Okay, so what else is wrong with Hollywood’s New Blood? Well, I’ll tell you! There are inappropriate and totally unnecessary jungle sound effects for the forest. Is this the most generic musical score ever composed for a horror film or is it a keyboard factory farting and dying? I can’t decide. The makeup effects are pitiful with the un-menacing Glouster boys shuffling around in hobo clothes with paint and strips of latex hanging off their faces.

Instead of sending the actors to a real acting seminar, Shyman decides to put these incompetent fools in a movie together. This ensemble cast really comes into their own when they are all sitting on the couch and staring at the fire. Our hero, Brett Standish (played by Bobby Johnston), is a real stick in the mud with his little ghost stories but don’t worry, he’s gonna save the day after almost everyone is already dead. Brett is also really dreamy with that hot mullet of his. Why did it take Liz so long to fall for this super-hunk?

The final needle this movie jabs into my eyes is a clip show at the end. Because Hollywood’s New Blood obviously did not make the required amount of footage for a full feature, the fuckers in the editing room completely recap the whole dang thing after the story ends. For the next ten minutes, I am treated to the theme music of Hollywood’s New Blood (lyrics below) and a quick run through of scenes, both major and minor (they’re all minor), that I may have missed (or slept through). If anyone is reading this, I implore you, please don’t watch this movie.

“The dishes are dry. Why don’t we get wet?”

Lyrics to the Hollywood’s New Blood theme:

Yes
Hollywood bows to the flood of new blood
The new blood won’t survive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood stays alive
Hollywood’s New Blood
New blood

 

Angel of Death

Angel of Death (1987)

Marc Logan (Antonio Mayans) works for a group of Nazi hunters looking for Dr. Mengele (Howard Vernon). When Marc discovers Mengele in South America he forms a team to try and capture the notorious Nazi doctor. His team is comprised of Mr. Agility AKA Jose, the acrobat, Garcia, driver and demolitions expert, David, technology wizard, and Roger, martial arts expert. Marc also teams up with Eva (Suzan Andrews), the doctor’s ex-mistress, who goes undercover inside Mengele’s Nazi fortress. Once inside, Marc’s team discovers, to their horror, just what Dr. Joseph Mengele has been working on all these years.

The Odessa File? No. Marathon Man? Uh uh. Boys from Brazil? Not even close! Filmed in Uruguay by Andrea Bianichi (credited here as A. Frank Drew White) and written by Jess Franco (Oasis of the Zombies, Vampyros Lesbos), Angel of Death AKA Commando Mengele entertains a part of your brain that modern science hasn’t even discovered yet. Jump cuts and post dubbing loops abound in this fast paced junky action classic. The off camera Nazi commanding the training soldiers to: “Try harder! Harder! Move it! Move it! Get the lead out!” and “Shuffle! Shuffle! Move around!” is looped four or five times in the same scene. The plot is a maze with no twists or turns (okay so maybe it’s more like a hallway) and the dialogue will induce both giggly hysteria and ennui equally. Rarely has a synthesizer pummeled the ears of viewers quite like Norbert Verrone’s score for Angel of Death. He composed at least 3 pieces of nearly distinct music for the movie: attack synth, there’s no evil synth, and carnival music thing.

Antonio Mayans (Revenge in the House of Usher) has this concerned/bewildered look stapled to his mug throughout the movie even while riding dirt-bike #27. Marc’s brief grieving when his girlfriend, Rachel, is killed by the Nazis gave me one of those “oh snap, it’s on now!” chills up my spine. Jess Franco regular, Howard Vernon, makes some impressive faces while playing Dr. Mengele and Fernando Rey (Companeros) spends a great deal of time on the phone as the leader of the Nazi hunters. And of course, you can’t f with the g-damn Jack Taylor (Eugenie, The Ghost Galleon). Christopher Mitchum (Faceless) is here as well playing Dr. Mengele’s right hand man, Wolfgang von Backey, with slow mo ferocity. The rest of the cast are either a million miles away from the script during their screen-time or trying to tear apart the rift between themselves and the audience watching at home. This film is not safe.

I need to stop and talk about Suzan Andrews before my heart bursts out of my chest and blows up a helicopter. Andrews (whose comeback as an actress is still marked on my calendar) plays Eva, a fiery phoenix pregnant with Nazi hormones. Not only does she risk her life by using her feminine wiles to trick Dr. Mengele into taking her back but she also uses her face to make me forget all of my troubles. Who can do that? Damn you, Wolfgang von Backey for stealing Eva’s heart with your fabulous sports car and fancy friends!

Oh, you have to watch Angel of Death; it is so goddamn important. Once you see Roger and Mr. Agility AKA Jose in action you’ll probably join the simple circus or start your own ADD dojo. You’ll never be the same once Eva’s face enters your life. It doesn’t matter that they reuse the same footage of her emoting to the camera in completely unrelated scenes three or four times, you’ll be shaken to the core. Dr. Mengele’s experiments turning people into half-monkey creatures will have you running to the mirror to check your uni-brow. Do I have a monkey ear? Oh, don’t look at me. Don’t look at me!

“Listen, I’m an acrobat. Might come in handy. And a gypsy. The Nazis gassed my father. If you need any help with those bastards, count me in.”

The Legacy

legacy

The Legacy (1978)

Margaret Walsh (Katharine Ross) and her boyfriend Pete (Sam Elliott) run an interior design firm in San Francisco. They are invited to come to England to work on a project. Everything is very hush hush but the money is too good to refuse so they agree to the project. In jolly old England, they meet Jason Mountolive (John Standing) who invites them to stay at his mansion after they have a little motorcycle accident. Turns out he is this really ancient duder with some black magic powers and a coven of six people that Margaret is the newest member of. Suddenly, everyone starts dying in mysterious ways and yeah, that’s the plot.

This horror/romance(?) movie has the lavish sets but not the gothic feel. The tone is further hampered by its romance novel whimsy. Sam Elliott is great and all and a gratuitous butt shot never hurt any actor’s career, right? But he just seems completely out of place in every scene. I can’t say I’m all about the Katharine Ross (The Stepford Wives) either. The rest of the cast is pretty stellar with lots of familiar faces from British cinema. Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show shows up, looks very suspicious, and speaks in that insanely cool voice of his before dying spectacularly. Roger Daltrey makes the most of his death scene by taking it to comic proportions.

The Legacy has been avoiding me and now I see why. However, 1970s horror is alive and well in this one as the ancient evil gets hip to the ‘Me Generation’. There are some great moments and a couple of cool death scenes but much of this film is pretty bland and impossible to take seriously (which is normally a good thing). British director Richard Marquand would go on to bigger and better things but it’s hard to believe this looked all that good on his resume.

In the hands of a Spanish or Italian director with less than half the budget, we could have had something really special here. My biggest complaint is that the few chilling moments show that with a little more care, The Legacy could have been something really special. The ending is definitely interesting and makes evil seem like it could be pretty fun if you just keep on smiling. And good luck getting past the wretched opening song. It’s a big old 70s sub-AM turd called “Another Side of Me” by Kiki Dee.