Vampires

The Vampire and the Ballerina

The Vampire and the Ballerina (1960)

A rock and roll ballet troupe stays in the countryside in order to practice before their next gig. The nearby village lives in fear of a local vampire who inhabits a medieval castle nicknamed “the Castle of the Damned”. One of the dancers, Louisa (Helene Romy) gets bitten by the vampire and her friend Francesca (Tina Gloriani) tries to save her from becoming enslaved by the undead. If I go any further into this convoluted plot with its extraneous characters, we’ll be here for a couple of hours.

Equal parts early 1960s pop-kitsch and gothic horror, Renato Polselli’s The Vampire and the Ballerina is a wacky good time flick. Aside from its silliness, the biggest problem with this movie is the pacing. It drags towards the end but it’s worth sticking it out. Bad movie enthusiasts will no doubt be able to get a laugh out of the incredibly cheesy dialog and half-assed dance sequences. Fans of the Italian gothics will enjoy the beautiful scenery, moody cinematography and effective lighting. The soundtrack by Aldo Piga is nothing to get excited about as it seems just a tad old fashioned though the upbeat pieces for the dance numbers are decent enough.

While it is completely tame by today’s standards, this flick is quite the sexualized little vampire tale and things get pretty hot and heavy. The vampire’s bite causes a rapturous sexual frenzy in his (always female) victims. Ladies affected by fangy charms look like they’re about to cream their dang jeans (or leotards, in this case). To add to the naughtiness, all of the female characters in this movie show a lot of skin. There’s plenty of practically see-through nighties and low-cut gowns (don’t forget those leotards!) to keep you perverts out there satisfied (or thoroughly teased).

Polselli would go on to direct some real trash in the 70s like the idiotic giallo Delirium and the supernatural head scratcher The Reincarnation of Isabel. On a much more successful note, this is insanely prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi’s first writing credit and I have to say this is pretty good, all things considered. The Vampire and the Ballerina is a humble, awkwardly plotted but fun beginning of a nearly 40 year screenwriting career. This man lent his talents to so many incredible films, that it is simply mind-boggling for an Italian film nut like me to even ponder.

The Vampire and the Ballerina is a lot of fun thanks to its hilarious badness but there is enough decent material stashed in the camp to make this a worthwhile Italian horror film. There is also strange twist to the vampire legend here (elaborated on below) and some weird, painfully obvious sexual overtones. I can’t say much good about the makeup though; the vampire looks like a crappy old lady with a skin condition. It just made me sad and I want to wish him luck. Good luck, buddy.

“Get back into your coffin; it is your coach to the land of the living dead!”

The Shiver of the Vampires

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The Shiver of the Vampires (1971)

Newlyweds Antoine and Isle (Jean-Marie Durand and Sandra Julien) make their way to Isle’s cousins’ castle for a quick visit before continuing on their honeymoon in Italy. They discover from the townsfolk that her cousins have recently died and only their servants remain in the castle. When they arrive, Isle is seduced by Isolde the vampire (Dominique) while Antoine uncovers the fact that Isle’s cousins aren’t dead but are actually quite undead. In order to save his young wife, Antoine tries to flee with Isle but it may already be too late.

Jean Rollin’s fourth vampire film, The Shiver of the Vampires, is one hell of a blend of the arthouse with the grindhouse. The perfect gothic scenery and brazen lighting are matching only by the beauty of the actresses involved. I couldn’t help but be blown away by the lush and fluid cinematography. The man responsible, Jean-Jacques Renon, also provided the excellent cinematography on The Demoniacs. Fans of 70s films will no doubt be impressed by the soundtrack performed by progressive rock band, Acanthus. While other Rollin soundtracks are much moodier and eerie, Acanthus just rocks out through much of the film but they know when to deliver the softer, moodier moments.

Who the hell came up with Isolde’s (Dominique) three grand entrances and deadly boob spikes? A genius, that’s who. The wildly sexy Sandra Julien is mesmerizing in her role as the object of the vampires’ desire, Isle. In fact, the scene where Isolde seduces her is deliriously hot. From hot to hilarious, actors Michel Delahaye and Jacques Robiolles are extremely amusing as Isle’s cousins, the two pretentious ex-vampire hunters. They deliver what are essentially monologues split up between the two of them with great timing and even take bows when their performance is over.

Although it doesn’t make my list of favorite Rollin films (Grapes of Death, The Living Dead Girl, or The Demoniacs), Shiver of the Vampires is still a fascinating and enjoyable film. The film is pretty slow-moving so be prepared for that but it gets better with repeat viewing. Luckily, like much of the director’s other works, this film is visually stunning and the characters are completely off the wall. Horror fans unfamiliar with Rollin should prepare for surrealism, a dreamlike delivery, and a minimal amount of bloodshed. Clips of Shiver can be found on When Eurotrash Attacks Volume 1.

Night of the Devils

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Night of the Devils (1972)

A man suffering from amnesia (Gianni Garko) staggers out of the woods, injured, and catatonic. He is brought to a hospital where a doctor (Umberto Raho) runs tests which determine the man has suffered a terrible shock that has reduced him to this agitated and paranoid state. The only person who can identify this man is Sdenka (Agostina Belli), a lovely young woman who claims she met the patient a just few days ago. She identifies him as Nicola, a business man from Italy, but then disappears after the very sight of her drives Nicola into a frenzy.

The film then flashes back to a few days before to the events that drove Nicola mad. While purchasing lumber for his company, Nicola’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he seeks help from a family returning from a funeral and living in a nearly abandoned village in the woods. Jovan (played by Roberto Maldera) agrees to help Nicola but it must be in the morning because there is said to be a blood-drinking witch who prowls around at night. This turns out to be true when the patriarch Gorca (Bill Vanders) returns from attempting to kill the witch but is now a vampire himself. As each member of the family falls prey to vampiric forces, Nicola tries to rescue the lovely Sdenka, the lovely daughter of Gorca with whom he has fallen in love with.

Night of the Devils kicks in with one of the most attention-grabbing opening scenes in Italian horror. Gianni Garko (or Sartana to you spaghetti western types) comes stumbling out of the woods into a clearing. He passes out near a stream and wakes up in a hospital where he is being examined by doctors. During his tests, we see into his mind where he is tormented by horrific visions of rotting corpses, a woman’s face getting shot off, ghoulish figures ripping the flesh from a naked woman’s body. This sequence is spell-binding. Its cheesy for sure but it is impossible not to wonder just what happened to this guy. Curiosity = piqued? You know it.

Director Giorgio Feroni (Mill of the Stone Women) remakes the ‘Wurdulak’ segment of Mario Bava’s Black Sabbath but makes it his own by amping up the sex, the gore, and the cackling madness of the vampires. The soundtrack by Giorgio Gaslini (So Sweet, So Dead) is great with its haunting vocal pieces and tense and minimal freakouts. Spanish cinematographer, Manuel Berenguer, keeps things nice and claustrophobic. While the countryside is nice, it is never pretty. Instead, the entire film is very somber and cast in shadows (without being overly dark). When there is a brightly lit scene, it screams danger and madness. If I have to find faults with this flick then it would be that the pacing is a little slow and the gore effects are looking a bit gamy.

Oh, this cast is great. Gianni Garko is always good. The lovely Agostina Belli of Holocaust 2000 and Scream of the Demon Lover is excellent as the sweet (or possibly evil) Sdenka. You might remember Roberto Maldera from The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave where he played the very unlucky groundskeeper. The luscious and hypnotic Teresa Gimpera of Crypt of the Living Dead gets ripped to shreds in this one (and it’s not by the critics). The always dependable Umberto Raho who usually plays police inspectors gets to flash his skillz by playing a doctor! And then there’s Maria Monti as ‘The Witch’. This is a truly eerie performance from an underused actress who had a small role in What Have You Done to Solange? I also have to mention young Cinzia De Carolis who grew up and played the freaky jailbait who tries to seduce John Saxon in Cannibal Apocalypse.

Night of the Devils is one of those forgotten masterpieces and a genuinely gore-soaked relic. This is the kind of cinema that drives me nerdily on. This film proves that if you think you’ve seen every last scrap of Italian junk, chances are there is one more title out there you need to see. Creepy, sleazy, bloody, melodramatic, nasty, and, as an added bonus: mind-fucky! The somber tone never lets up for a second and you just know that this ain’t gonna end well for our deranged hero. This is good stuff, y’all.

“Television? Now that’s something I’ve never seen!”

To Sleep with a Vampire

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To Sleep with a Vampire (1993)

A vampire named Jacob (Scott Valentine) approaches a stripper named Nina (Charlie Spradling) but not merely to drink her blood. Jacob has lived for so many years without the sun that he needs Nina to describe it to him. Nina agrees but only because Jacob plans to suck her dry before dawn and she needs to stall for time. In a desperate attempt at survival, Nina tries reasoning with the vampire and even tries to seduce him. As the night comes to a close the pair discovers more and more about each other. Could this be more than just Jacob’s need for blood and more than Nina’s drive to live through the night? Could this be love? Googy?

Erotic thriller my ass! Director Adam Friedman took some time off from directing Playboy specials to fart out this unintentionally comical vampire flick. The plot moves along awkwardly and maligns the viewer by keeping the two leads in one room long enough for some “deep” conversation about vampires. And then there’s the script… Holy living ass, this is some of the funniest and most quotable garbage I’ve ever heard. Not to mention that our actors deliver this tripe with utmost sincerity.

An important revelation from the script is that apparently strippers aren’t trying to sincerely seduce the men they’re dancing for. You’re blowing my mind, duder! From the cheap sound to the even cheaper special effects to the minimal locations, To Sleep With A Vampire is some half-assed nonsense. At least the cinematographer got to have some fun by sneaking in some interesting camera tricks here and there.

They say it takes two to tango or rather; it takes two to ruin a movie. Charlie Spradling and Scott Valentine have all the chemistry of a broken Rock’em Sock’em Robots game. Spradling (Meridian) must have graduated from the Shannen Doherty School of Scowl-Acting and Valentine (My Demon Lover), well, I don’t know where the damn hell they found this guy. While his Jacob character is busy shattering many of the myths that surround vampires, Valentine himself is shattering many viewers’ preconceived ideas about the immortal creatures as well. Vampires that are cool, dark, mysterious, and sexy are miles away from this picture. You won’t find a dorkier or more spastic vampire than Jacob with his contortionist facial expressions and knack for pushing the boundaries of scenery chewing. Oh God, he looks like a mouth-breather! And that tiger print Speedo?!?

To Sleep With A Vampire is a comedy. Don’t let IMDB fool you with words such as “Drama”, “Horror”, “Romance”, or “Thriller”. No, no! These are all lies. The only real drama comes from my sincere pity for Nina who has to spend the night talking (and much more!) with the lamest vampire in film history. Once you have tasted the forbidden fruit of Jacob and Nina’s doomed night together, you will forever be altered. Part of you will be screaming maniacally at your television and the rest will be trying to climb the walls. Oh yeah, Charlie Spradling gets naked. There you go. Exquisitely painful. Enjoy.

“What does it feel like to have a friend?”

 

Crypt of the Vampire

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Crypt of the Vampire (1964)

Young women are being drained of their blood and all signs point to the Karnstein family. Count Ludwig Karnstein (Christopher Lee) enlists the help of historian Friedrich Klauss (José Campos) to explore his lineage. Klauss finds out that one of Ludwig’s ancestors was executed for witchcraft but not before she placed a curse on the family line. Ludwig’s daughter Laura (Adriana Ambesi) believes that she is possessed by the witch and is developing a taste for the red stuff.

Annette (Véra Valmont), the count’s mistress, knows that something is wrong with Laura. She is also suspicious of Laura’s new friend, Annette (Ursula Davis), who arrived under mysterious circumstances and has been at Laura’s side ever since. The family’s maid, Rowena (Nela Conjiu), thinks she’s helping the Karnstein clan with her black magic rituals but people keep dying despite her appeals to the dark lord.

Camillo Mastrocinque (who directed Barbara Steele in An Angel for Satan) delivers an effective and enjoyable though not entirely original gothic horror film. The convoluted story from prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi (The Whip and the Body) has its chilling moments and takes inspiration from the classic horror story Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The dialogue is predictable and hampered by the awkward dubbing. There is also some totally unnecessary narration which is abandoned very quickly (thanks). What Crypt of the Vampire does have going for it is good pacing and superbly eerie sets and locations.

Christopher Lee (who thankfully dubbed his own voice) is quite good in Crypt but that’s no surprise as the man rarely disappoints. I really, really liked Adriana Ambesi as Laura whose flimsy nightgown threatens to explode throughout the nighttime scenes. Her dumbass black magic schemes led by her scary maid are pretty amusing. How about next time we DON’T invoke the spirit of a witch to possess anyone, okay?

Véra Valmont, who plays Count Ludwig’s lover Annette, is very arresting. She goes all out with the terror faces and I wish that she had done more horror movies. José Campos is a little bland as Friedrich, the heroic (?) genealogist. Luckily, Lee is around to keep the appropriate levels of badass dude in a smoking jacket right where they need to be.

With its cheesy Sunday afternoon horror thrills (and some wild-eyed and voluptuous ladies), Crypt of the Vampire is a whole lot of fun. There’s melodrama, mysterious manuscripts, and some gruesome business involving the severed hand of a hunchbacked beggar. This would make a terrific double feature with either Alberto De Martino’s The Blancheville Monster or the sleepy Barbara Steele vehicle: Terror Creatures from the Grave.

“I must kill you. That was my promise. I must kill you.”

Night of Dark Shadows

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Night Of Dark Shadows (1971)

Quentin Collins (David Selby of “Dark Shadows”) inherits the estate of Collinwood and moves in with his wife Tracy (Kate Jackson of “Scarecrow and Mrs. King”, “Dark Shadows”). Not long after arriving Quentin begins to have visions of a long dead witch named Angelique (Lara Parker of “Dark Shadows”) along with his ancestor Charles Collins (also Selby). With the help of the sinister housekeeper Carlotta (Grayson Hall: The Night of the Iguana, “Dark Shadows”) the spirit of Angelique slowly starts manipulating Quentin. Will Tracy with the help of husband and wife novelist team Alex (John Karlen: “Murder She Wrote”, “Dark Shadows”) and Claire (Nancy Barrett of, you guessed it, “Dark Shadows”) be able to free Quentin from Angelique’s clutches before it is too late?

In 1970 “Dark Shadows” creator/producer Dan Curtis (Burnt Offerings, The Night Stalker) decided the time was right to a make a feature length “Dark Shadows” film. The resulting effort was the excellent House Of Dark Shadows, a film that took the high points of the first major storyline of vampire Barnabas Collins and boiled it down into 97 minutes. It was a box office success and plans for a sequel were soon launched but by then the show had gone off the air and Jonathan Frid (Barnabas) would not make the film due to fear of typecasting. (Too late really. He should have done it because he was already typecast.) Dan and screenwriter Sam Hall quickly came up with an idea that loosely corresponded with the television show’s ‘parallel time’ episodes. And I’ll say this now, you do not have to be familiar with the show to watch this film.

Most of the folks in the film were in “Dark Shadows” the television show. Whereas Grayson Hall played (mainly) Dr. Julia Hoffman on the show, here she plays Carlotta the housekeeper, a character that never appeared on the show. Conversely David Selby did play Quentin Collins on the show but apparently not the same Quentin Collins that we see in the film. In fact Selby played two different Quentin Collinses on the show. So it can get a bit confusing. It’s made mention in the film that Collinwood was left to Quentin by his aunt Elizabeth (played on the show by Joan Bennett (Suspiria) in her only television role) and although we never see her it seems to be an attempt to tie the film to the series. In fact the witch Angelique is played by the same actress that played Angelique in the television show. But in the film it seems unlikely that this is the same Angelique that cursed Barnabas to be a vampire, one reason being that the television Angelique’s last name is Bouchard while the film’s Angelique has the surname of Collins. I say all this not to pick on the film, as I am a huge “Dark Shadows” fan, but to bring up my next point:

MGM forced Dan Curtis to cut 34 minutes from the film bringing it down from a run time of 129 minutes to 94. And they only gave him 24 hours to do it. Actually he originally cut it down to 97 minutes and the remainder was cut in order to achieve a GP rating. There is one particularly bloody scene in the film and one wonders how many more graphic scenes were cut. The film was successful but not as much as its predecessor and fans have always pointed to the editing as the main reason why. Watching the film it is obvious it was hacked up (I hesitate to use the word hacked because I do not believe that that was Curtis’ mindset while he was trimming) but not in an overly confusing way. People you’ve never seen before don’t pop up suddenly and the film doesn’t make any wild jumps in logic. It just feels like there are some things missing. According to Wikipedia those things are: another flashback to Angelique and Charles Collins, two more scenes of Gerard the handyman/caretaker, romantic scenes of Quentin and Tracy, more hanging scenes, and a candlelit exorcism scene that was to be the climax. Reportedly in 1999 the footage was discovered sans audio, 16 new scenes total and bits that extended scenes, injecting a darker tone. Hopes were high when the current DVD and blu-ray releases were announced that Warner Home Video would be reinstating the scenes but it didn’t happen. All we got for extras was a trailer.

As far as the editing that I did notice, two things in particular jump to mind. While reading Wikipedia it mentions that Alex and Claire Jenkins move into the cottage along with Quentin and Tracy moving into the mansion. Watching the film it seems to me that Alex and Claire had already been living there for a while as it is mentioned that Alex had met Carlotta the housekeeper a while before when they first moved in, while we see Quentin and Tracy meet Carlotta for the first time at the beginning of the film. (And while I am at it, Quentin says he has never been to Collinwood before which makes him being the television Quentin (either of them) even more unlikely.) The other is Wikipedia’s mention of Charles’ fate in the past. Without spoiling it I will say that unless I missed it, there is a discrepancy there as well. It is impossible for me to say if this is a case of me missing something, those particular parts being edited out, Wikipedia going off a slightly longer script/source, or Wikipedia simply being incorrect.

But what about the film itself? I enjoy it quite a bit while lamenting what is lost. Atmospheric cinematography from Richard Shore compliments Curtis’ surefooted direction. Flashbacks have the woozy blurring of the sides of the frame. The hanging scene is shot from some interesting angles. The film was shot on the grounds of Lyndhurst estate, a huge gothic manor, which is a huge asset to the film’s production value. Robert Cobert’s score ranges from ominous piano to harmonica (not as bad as it sounds) to creepy music lifted straight from the show. Selby does a great job as the haunted Quentin, a pre- Charlie’s Angels Kate Jackson is impossibly cute and perky and Lara Parker’s Angelique is threateningly evil in flashback while being very convincing as the ghostly apparition in the present. There’s one effect that is a bit cheesy but nothing out of line with films from this period. Unlike House Of Dark Shadows this was made without the burden of having to make the show at the same time and it shows (not that House feels particularly rushed.) That fact makes it even harder to accept that the studio demanded cuts. This could be a minor classic 70’s horror film (and I personally think it is anyway) in more people’s minds if there were a longer, slightly more realized cut out there somewhere. And speaking of the two films I’ve always thought that they should have swapped titles. This film seems a better fit with the title House Of Dark Shadows since it is Quentin’s arrival at the house which sets the film’s events into motion.

An interesting bit of trivia is the production’s hiring of famed paranormal researcher Hans Holzer (several books and an Amityville investigation) to give some authenticity to the film but sadly a lot of that seems to have hit the cutting room floor in the form of the exorcism. A prologue was written with a hippie sneaking into the house and being killed by Angelique and Gerard but it was never filmed which is interesting because the film does open a bit abruptly.

I recommend Night of Dark Shadowns to the 70’s horror film fan with the caveat that you are not (and probably won’t ever be) seeing what Dan Curtis intended for you to. He took the risky step of making a “Dark Shadows” film without the character of Barnabas and despite the cuts came out with a visually pleasing gothic chiller. But oh what might have been.

-Brad Hogue

Vampire Cheese Board

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Cheesy: Trying too hard to be good, unsubtle, and inauthentic.

A vampire movie is like a cheese, I think. Processed, cheap, strong or stinky, it is almost impossible for a vampire movie to escape that wince inducing cheesy moment. Combine an obsessive fascination with these creatures who do not die, who live in the dark where we cannot see them, and who feed off of our life essences makes vampires one of the most enjoyable gambles Hollywood revisits through the ages.

I am always particularly interested in the ways our silver screen story tellers explain how vampires came to be in the first place. Did they start human and through sheer will power and meanness transcend our yoke of mortality to live forever and feed on what it once was, infecting others? Were they mutated by a horrible plague centuries ago? Are they descendant of Judas who was forever cursed to walk the earth? Are they Cain who was marked so that his human brethren would know him on sight? Or are they children of Lilith, Adam’s first wife, who gave birth to all the monsters of the world and would steal children by night and drink their blood? Actually, I’ve never seen a movie with Lilith as the explanation for vampirism, but wouldn’t it be pretty good?

There are as many options for how vampires look, how they live, can be killed, and what extra powers they may have as there are for how they were made. Movies wallow like little piggies in the infinite possibilities of something that is still automatically recognizable by people all over the world. To make this cheese board a little easier to digest, I will break the multitude of types into flavors:

Loud and Melodramatic

These are your sharp and salty cheeses, the ones that pair well with red wine, fish pastes, and olives. The vampires in these movies have been aged over centuries of artistic license. They are your cheddar, Fontina, Parmesan, and Fontinella. Bram Stoker’s Dracula story has inspired several adaptations and several character appearances in other movies. From Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi before him, to Gary Oldman, the Dracula story has been the cornerstone of vampire lore for celluloid ages. He is powerful, ancient, and deeply wronged. He is what humans wish they could be – strong enough to overcome any obstacle while still holding on to their broken, tragic, and terribly human past which somehow keeps them from becoming complete monsters. And yet, there something about Dracula, even as seen in Braum Stoker’s Dracula, that cannot avoid the cheese. Each of the male suitors is a caricature; the two female leads are complete opposites and almost entirely divisive. In fact, I will venture to say that the only really developed character in the whole thing is Dracula himself. And oh boy, that Dracula!

It is maybe the hardest thing in storytelling to capture a rage driven overflow of emotion without sounding kind of funny. We are prone to melodrama, speaking poetry aloud, bemoaning our fate, and cursing the heavens. We imagine these same traits in vampires because we recognize vampires came from us. Let’s face it, it’s funny – especially out of context, and it is cheesy. Even more so with an accent, see Van Helsing’s Dracula. Here we see Dracula almost as a caricature; a desperate polygamist husband seeking to appease his shrewish wives so they don’t bother him so much. The only powerful and mysterious card this Dracula is holding is more knowledge of Van Helsing than Van Helsing himself.

Speaking of rage driven overflow of emotion, how about some Interview with a Vampire and Queen of the Damned, though Interview… really does take the cake on bemoaning fate. Perhaps seeing the terrible monsters suffering is part of what allows us to think them sexy as well. I mean how cliche can a subplot get? 1.) girlfriend is afraid boyfriend is going to leave her 2.) girlfriend makes sure she gets pregnant so boyfriend will never leave her 3.) boyfriend stays for a while, but relationship gets more and more twisted. Only in this story, Lestat is the girlfriend, Loui the boyfriend. Get it? Queen… takes on a different cliche: I can save/change him romanticism. And after all that reminding the vampire monster that he was still attached to the gypsy violinist, who really changes at the end? Huh, Jesse?

Hissing and Sleazy

Vampires give us a whole spectrum of cheese, however, they are undead after all. Why shouldn’t they act like undead and slink around covered in cemetery fertilizer wearing their monster faces? Or haunt back-alleys and shadows, building their own criminal underworld? Vampires like Santanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Deacon Frost, Blade, are less sexy than they are porny and they’re the ones that are nice to look at – the velvita and canned cheese spray. As are Dracula’s ubiquitous mistresses in Dracula 2000, Kit from The Forsaken, and everyone in Vampire Circus.

Not so nice to look at, and a little stomach turning the closer they get to your mouth are your limburger, and royal blue Stilton vampires from Salem’s lot, John Carpenter’s Vampires, Blade II, and Nosferatu. These cheeses have been aging so long that they’ve lost their sexy. Oh they can try and dress it up a little, put on a nice parchment paper wrapping, but in the end they have a bouquet reminiscent of horse apples. Lest we forget Razor Charlie and Sex Machine in From Dusk Till Dawn. I must at least give props to Nosferatu for predating the all too common vampire phenomena of sexy blood play. Count Orlok was a scary walking corpse monster dude; he just got a little old. Jittering, skipping old black and white movies require a different type of suspension of disbelief than do any of our modern celluloid fair, and for most of us violence desensitized folk, are just not that scary anymore.

Sexy and Full-bodied

On balmy summer evenings when the thick warm air is filled with the tang of fresh cut grass, the breeze moves just enough to keep the bugs away but not enough to dispel the hazy blanket of moisture around every streetlight, you might be looking for something equally as sensual in your vampire movie. You are drinking heavy sweet wines and munching on brie, Gouda, and goat cheese. You are watching Vampyros Lesbos, The Hunger, Vampyres or Daughters of Darkness, movies that capture the elusive mystery of dark creatures and replace our natural fear of death with an unhealthy and obsessive fascination.

I might be tempted to say that this class of vampire movie is lacking in cheese, but then I’ve already mentioned the ridiculousness of sex and vampires. It makes them human, makes them understandable, brings them down to our level (or up to it). As beings who prey ruthlessly on humans, a vampire’s sexual allure is more akin to the rotting smell given off by a carnivorous plant in order to attract a victim with the promise of food.

Amid this group of cinema are also tales of temptation and darkness that conjure up fantasies of youth. While I wouldn’t say that the child protagonists in stories like The Moth Diaries and Let the Right One In are sexy, they have in them the nebulous and trembling odor of danger that suffocates us in youth and later gets smothered by puberty. Lost Boys starts this way as well, though carries with it a smattering of other flavors as the story unfolds.

A Battle in the Mouth

But sometimes you want some salsa in your cheese dip; you want jalepeno cheddar and pepper jack to dip your crackers in. Sometimes you want the vampire action movie. Movies like Underworld I, II, and III, as well as Blade I and all, take with them a little bit of the vampire cheese while reaching for some action cheese to mix it with. In the action movie, the vampire mystique is paused on like love scenes in between improbable leaps of physics and loud noises.

Vampires are perfect for action movies because they’re invulnerable and superhuman. Where other movies have vampires lurking in the dark, brimming with power but only ever wielding it in the pre-dinner struggle, vampire action movies turn the ever living bodies into catalysts for stone pulverizing, ceiling running acrobatics.

Mild and Romanticized

And finally, when the week is over and you are lounging on Sunday afternoon watching Golden Girls and pondering what you aren’t too lazy to make for lunch, you might have a cheese sandwich with American, provolone, mozzarella, and Swiss. You might watch the happy, unchallenging, teen movie variations on vampirism like Once Bitten, Love at first bite, and My best friends a Vampire. Vampires in these movies are only scary at all because of how the characters react to them. They never seem really dead and, as in My best friends a Vampire, aren’t necessarily dead at all. Here vampires are simply misunderstood and mistreated outcasts of society. They don’t even hunt! They buy at blood at the butcher, instead. They are the vegans of vampirism; for them, it is just another way to diet.

Among these teen movies you may end up with stories like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which hardly depicts vampires as the new worrying parental problem, but has a little bit too much bubble-gum to make them a threat.

I was recently thinking about the human tendency to put things in their power place, to make situations and relationships about dominance. You can see it everywhere. Perhaps the vampire myth exploded from a need to feel as though there is a predator out there for us. It’s almost as if we find it unbalancing being at the top of the food chain. We are uncomfortable in our place when we have only an anchor on one end.

But being the creator, we just couldn’t get beyond building a little of ourselves into the vampire. This is what makes them cheesy. We have imbued them with our own faults and shortcomings; we have given them an Achilles’ heel. We have basically undermined their ability to be really terrifying. If their dangerousness were genetalia, we have castrated them. They are geldings because even while we wanted to feel that something had power over us, we needed to build in a fail-safe so that we could still retain power. We are the cheese.