Video Wars

Directed by Mario Giampaolo 

Released: 1983 (or 1984, who cares?)

Starring George Diamond, Dennis Warren, Maria Anna, Michael Harris

Running Time: 73 minutes

The Plot:

Prince Radolpho Reichmonger of Bastavia wants to become overseer of the world. He has the technology to “control the destiny of the people of any quarter of the world”. He is demanding a trillion dollars a year or else. The American government sends in super-spy Ignatius Maximillion Scattergood to a mountain resort in Bastavia so he can get into the palace and destroy Reichmonger’s mainframe. The Russians have also sent their best spies in to stop Reichmonger including an old flame of Scattergood’s, the lovely Natasha . Also attempting to stop this vaguely evil plot are two revolutionaries, Magda and Willy. Magda goes undercover as a model in a fashion show taking place at the resort. Meanwhile, there is a videogame competition where Reichmonger takes on Jimmy, the international video champion. This film also features payphones and snow mobiles.

Richard: Ladies and gents, welcome to our discussiethon of the ultra-obscure (for good reason) Video Wars. Hey Nafa, you want to start this one?

Nafa: Wow, from the get-go, you know this is going to be something special. Why, just transitioning out of the extended (yet minimal) opening credits you know where and when you are exactly. Everything about it exudes it’s time period: the sights, the sounds, the styles. To quote a line from the film, ‘It’s too everything.’ It reminds me of how arcade obsessed we were then. Man, I can smell the Showbiz pizza and feel the quarters sliding into the coin slots. And in this film even the dang President of the America is down with the whole video gameity of it all. Oh, and I’m gonna make up words for this discussion. Splash?

R: Well, nothing says FUCK YOU to the viewer quite like a spy movie parody. After the ruinous, depressing electro-dung of the soundtrack and the first of many, many failed jokes, I found myself totally entranced by Video Wars. There is an important moment when the President of the United States is too busy playing videogames to be bothered by the threat of a Slavic terrorist. I couldn’t help but notice that one of the President’s aides is trying to grab his joystick. What has become of our great nation? It doesn’t matter because Scattergood is going to save the day. After being briefed about the mission to stop the evil Reichmonger, Scattergood is given his special weapons that he’ll need for his mission. Choice dialog (and an example of the film’s jokes):

“And last but not least, your acid pen.”

“I hope it doesn’t leak in my pocket.”

N: When the special weapons are being doled out, his only response after each introduction is ‘Of course… of course… of course…’ And did he ever use any of the gadgetry besides the gun that he brought with him? Also, let me step back a moment and address a few things.

I: The first four-out-of-seven minutes of the film are either opening credits or walking in snow. In fact, there’s quite a bit of walking in snow in this film. Quite a bit. And remember that, because walking in snow becomes important later.

II: Attentive eared viewers will notice that the sound of the President’s video game comes from the game Galaga.

III: When Scattergoo(d) is first called, we find him in his boudoir with a lady-friend (who utters the memorable, ‘But you promised more than 15 minutes!’) before he has to go to his mission. During the entire scene there is a crew member in a white t-shirt and jeans visible in the ornate mirror. Either that, or Scattergoo’ enjoys a bit of the old voyeurism during his 15 minutes. Also, this scene is followed up by nearly a full minute of snow-walking.

IV: The music… is… BRILLIANT.

R: He does use his special weapons later. They’re so special that you forgot all about them. Nice job spotting the crew member. I missed that. Everywhere Splattergoo goes, the ladies fall all over him. There is a sequence where all the ladies from the fashion show are chillaxin’ by the indoor pool and he’s just walking along them, just like surveying the spread. It’s pretty magnificent. I like Magda and Willy (though I think his name changes to Tommy), the revolutionaries of the subplot who plan to overthrow the evil Reichmonger. I’ll talk more about them later. More choice dialog (and another zinger) from the models at the fashion show:

“Men! What do they want? We have class, style, taste- we’re beautiful!”

“Maybe that’s not what they want.”

“What do they want?” [Camera zooms in on boobs.]

N: You do realize that just before that exchange was quoted the camera panned in on a woman adjusting her bra only to give a gratuitous shot of her armpit. Yeah, this film hates it’s viewers. As the models arrive in Bastavia they are watched by Reichmonger as they enter his palace/ski lodge, and I am still convinced his secret base is in the lobby, complete with nude women. Also, the door man addresses Natasha Molanava (who is the leader of the models and also the Russian agent) with what is probably my third favorite line in the entire film, ‘I can see that you are a woman who KNOOOWS what she wants!’ Natasha and her gals have some great Bob Fosse-esque choreography by the pool (ie: two moves), and later she gives expert direction to the models for their runway walk (ie: she tells each to spin). And I’m not sure who the backstage show manager in the white sequined suit, but I can almost bet that when this film was screened someone excited parent shrilled, ‘Finally, a speaking role for our theater major son! Thank you, Philadelphia Academy of Theatrical Arts!’ And, yes, that is the name of the acting group that gets a thank you in the end credits.

All I need to say about Willy and Magda, is her quote: ‘There is no room for love between soldiers!’ That’s all I really have to say about them.

And let’s not forget our hero’s entrance to Bastavia, and after briefly inspecting his surroundings succinctly and eloquently states: ‘Ell-uh-gant, opp-ya-lent, wit a touch-uh dekka-dense.’ That line alone is the best epitaph for this film.

R: Shame on me for not noticing the armpit. I think that I’m just so over armpits, you know? They’re like everywhere nowadays. I too noticed that bedroom/lobby scene. Talk about shitty editing. I was like why are those people naked in the lobby? All they had to show was one shot of the CCTV and it all would have made sense. I really hate Splattergoo. As if he didn’t have enough ladies on his jock, the Russians send in the freaky Myrana to seduce him. She looks like a Rankin and Bass character in the flesh. Thanks to her, we get to see the aftermath of a little threesome between her, Splattergoo, and some other chick. Ugh, nauseating. Who will save this film? Will it be Jimmy, the international video champion?

N: Personally speaking, the one who saved the film for me for a moment was the random dancer dancing to that typical early 80s Electro-Funk song. But alas, her performance (much like any action in this film) goes on way too long and then she goes with Spattergoo’ back to his room, falling for the old chicken line. As for Myrana, I love the scene where the Russian agents are working out and she has no rhythm whatsoever -she can barely stand up- which is probably why she’s lying down in the next two scenes. Oy.

It’s at this point in my notes that I had the sudden realization that with the music, the acting, the dialogue, the story, and everything that this could very well be an 80s story-based porn film with all the explicit sex removed. Either that or some family’s really bad idea of a joke home movie.

R: That old chicken line goes like this:

“You like chicken, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Then grab a wing.” [And then he offers her his arm and she takes it!]

If you hadn’t mentioned that Video Wars seemed like an old porno with the sex cut out I might not have thought of it. That is the kind of revelation usually reserved for the New Testament. I love it. What this film needs is more stock footage BS to entertain us. Oh wait, it does! If you like skiing then you’re dumb but you’ll love half of this movie.

So Reichmonger puts on the big fashion show for everyone and he’s in the front row. When Magda struts across the stage in an outfit that can be best described as a theater usher’s uniform, she whips out a gun to blow the guy away. For some reason, before she can even finish drawing her pistol, Reichmonger’s goons are all over her thus thwarting the assassination attempt. I love that scene. It is chilling in its realism. No amount of screenshots that I could take can do this scene justice. And that’s the last we see of Magda or her pal, Tommy or Willy or whatever his name is. I will miss her face that looked like she applied her makeup with a hand grenade.

And then we are treated to more crap during the videogame contest between Reichmonger and Jimmy. Of course, Jimmy beats the guy in a game that is a series of blue and pink squares that seem to gyrate and flash for no reason whatsoever. This stuff goes on forever! How unwatchable can a film get? Video Wars is the answer.

N: It’s funny, but for the most part Magda and Wimmy barely even registered with me, they were just a kind of non-entity. It wasn’t until now when you mentioned it that I realized that she was the attempted fash-ssassin. Oh, and the fashion show contained some of the most unsexy and utilitarian dressing shots I’ve ever seen. If you want to equate them to something, go spy on your grandmother when she’s changing clothes and adjusting her truss- mmmmm, sexay! And don’t forget the literal polishing of a gun barrel for a cutaway scene. Careful, hon, it’s cocked, locked, loaded, and may go off in your hand- AND SPATTER YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FINGERS ACROSS A SNOW SCENE. *sigh* I can only wish that may happen in this film.

Oh, and the guards in front of the giant safe- ‘Cigarette break, fellas.’ Yeah. What? I’ve lost any sense of where this film is going. It feels like the Australian films of this time period, but without any of the charm. Even though this was filmed in Pennsylvania it’s gotta be done by a group of Canadians or something.

R: It is fascinating to me that this horrid little film has the balls to actually get boring. After all we’ve seen, NOW IT GETS BORING! After planning bombs and his super secret weapons all around the fortress or whatever, Scattergood goes up against Reichmonger in a fight scene that takes 5 seconds. The place blows up (off camera, of course) and then the film shifts into underdrive. We are treated to an interminable snow mobile chase that actually turned my hair gray. Where did all the goofy chicks go? I don’t know. I needed them and they all left me. Even the bad jokes, like concrete parachutes dropping from a blood red sky, are gone at this point. Video Wars is insultingly stupid and I think I’ve talked about everything I want to talk about. Nafa, you want to wrap this up?

N: I’m not sure I’m quite ready to let this one go yet. It reminds me of The Pirate Movie but without any of the set, music, costumes, talent, story, cinematography, acting, or humor. But in a way, it’s almost as fun. When Reichmonger finally confronts Spattergoo’ in the vault, he greets him with a hardy, ‘We meet again at long last!’ Man, you can’t write that kind of script. Seriously, you can’t. Then there’s the not existent fight followed by the implied implosion. And the snowmobile chase- what was with the trouble getting the motors started? And the size of the snowmobiles? They were kid-sized, it seems. God, the actors must have been paid in beer or blow or something because all the money must have gone into snowmobile rental I reckon. By the way, this entire flick takes place in the snow (as you can tell by the long cut shots of panoramic… erm… snow), yet after the climactic ending Mr. Spattergoo’ slips twice during a simple walking shot. For reals. Oh, and why waste a good phonebooth shot, let’s use it again. The whole underlying story is… well, non-existent.

Man, I haven’t even gotten to the kid by the stairs (‘Where didja find it?’ ‘Right here.’ *points straight down*), the phallic face on the snowman, Reichmonger’s general voyeurism or the princess bed he sleeps in, the ‘I am.’ ‘You are?’ ‘I.M.’ joke, all the music by King Henry And His Showband and Philly Cream, or the fact that Spattergoo’ looks like Serge Gainsbourg, Dustin Hoffman, and Robert De Niro all had a potato baby. This film… this film…

It’s… It’s too everything.