The slasher movie is the giallo’s more famous, coked up, and slightly more demented lovechild (we still don’t know who the father is). I’ve been meaning to have a slasher moviethon for years now but could never figure out which angle to approach it from. I decided to limit the titles by two criteria: 1. these slashers must be unseen by yours truly and 2. they were released between the years of 1979 and 1989. Not surprisingly, I have somewhere around 30 titles that meet those criteria. But now I can finally get around to some of those dang flicks that have been getting dusty on my shelves. Alright, I have picked 21 movies from that list and I am now ready to rock this bitch.

Friday

It is 7:32am. Sparkles almost woke me up much earlier this morning by putting her front paws on my shoulder and just standing there. I ignored her. I don’t know how much time passed before she just started meowing over and over again. When I rolled over and told her to shut the fuck up, I felt bad because she’s just so adorable. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I got up. I went out into the world to get some moviethon supplies from 7-11.

You see, I took the day off today for Slashers in the Night. I’d be a fool not to. My wife LeEtta is working today as is my mother-in-law Margie. She works from home so I’ll be hearing her from the office and probably running into her occasionally today. After retrieving a bevy of drinks and a sausage biscuit from 7-11, I come home. I got a Simply Lemonade to go with breakfast, a can of Arizona Watermelon drink or whatever in case I get a cigar to smoke this weekend, and two sodas: a Coke and a Mountain Dew. My goal for Slashers in the Night is seven movies per day for the next three days so I better stop dicking around and get started.

8:54am

Final Exam

A couple making out in the middle of nowhere, bickering and being really annoying. “Shh, what was that? I heard something.” This is the perfect way to start this shit. The first kill scene is bloodless but surprisingly well done. The music in this movie is phenomenal. It shifts from menacing to hokey happy from one scene to the next and everything feels perfect. I don’t think I could have picked a more perfect movie than this. Twelve minutes in and Final Exam is already a charmer.

The goofy professor is having an affair with Lisa, the hot chick but more importantly, there is a rapist van cruising around campus. Then the fraternity stages one of the most elaborate and irresponsible pranks the world has ever seen. This film was made back when campus shootings were still funny. The nerd named Radish could just as easily be a gay character. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. Too many character alert! The scene where the sheriff confronts Wildman on his little stunt has so many people in it and then some redneck security guard shows up to fill up some empty space left in the frame.

Hey, nice Toolbox Murders poster in Radish’s room. The frat guys in this movie are the scum of the Earth with their stealing prescription drugs and cheating on exams. They are also very gay. They make Radish look like Gary Cooper. Wildman is especially touchy feely with his bros. If these guys could un-closet themselves, they would probably be nicer people. This reminds me of Girls Nite Out with all the college junk. The first murder doesn’t occur until past the 45 minute mark. It doesn’t bother me though, I like this. I love the way the killer stalks his victims in this flick.

Jeez Courtney, you are such a fucking whiner! Boo hoo, Lisa is so beautiful, she has things so easy! All she has to do is get by on her looks! Grow a pair of balls, you morose beyatch. Oh man, Radish is not gay after all. He just half-assedly confessed his feeling for Courtney and by doing so made me realize that the actor playing him is definitely gay. Once the ball gets rolling, this film really comes together. Courtney, our final girl, is left all by herself to run around and look for help while shrilly screaming and screaming. I feel prone to yell out advice for her at the screen; the sign of a great slasher. Its corny, painfully typical, but totally awesome.

10:47am

Bloody Birthday

I don’t trust this DVD. What is up with these obviously newly generated titles? Weird. The eclipse is coming and with it comes creepy wind and the birth of three children. Flash forward ten years to another obnoxious couple making out and being stupid. They decide to climb into an open grave to do some more making out. What the hell? They die horribly and I couldn’t be happier.

In a classroom full of obnoxious kids, there are three particularly smug little shitheads: Curtis, Debbie, and Steven. They are the three eclipse babies grown into three ten year old freaks. OH WOW, an extended nude scene with Julie Brown. I have waiting all my life for this moment. My childhood crush is butt naked. Thank you, Bloody Birthday! This is the best present ever. She plays Debbie’s older, ditzy, and decidedly trampy sister.

The three little monsters kill the sheriff in a very, very improbable way. It’s kind of hilarious. Joyce talks about spooky crap, astrological gobbledygook, the eclipse, and fate. After an action sequence in the junkyard and more evil children running amok stuff, I come to the conclusion that it is impossible not to love this movie. I love the scene where Curtis is running around the suburbs at night with the revolver, looking for victims. He’s our neighborhood friendly Son of Son of Sam.

Curtis makes Joyce look like a loony in front of everyone during the Ant Poison in the Cake Icing Birthday Party sketch, I mean scene. Now Joyce’s boyfriend Paul shows up to scare the crap out of her and try to score. Looks like he is going to get to do both. I cannot stress enough how hot Julie Brown is in this movie. Her death scene is fucking brilliant too. It’s not a spoiler, you knew it was coming!

“Okay Billy. Time to rock and roll, here we go.”

12:24pm

Rocktober Blood

The movie opens with those words and then some really boss metal comes screaming from a totally shitty metal band called Rocktober Blood. Billy is a douche frontman and of course, he has banged the cute backup singer chick, Lynne Starling. She goes into the studio to belt out some bitchin’ lyrics: You’ve got rainbow eyes! You’ve got RAINBOW EYES! She and the producer decide to call it a night. The killer wears combat boots! The producer gets his throat slashed while she gets nekkid for a dip in the hot tub. Yup, everything is just fine.

Billy is one creepy psycho bastard. He apparently kills 25 of his fans (off camera), kills the engineer, some random rock chick, tortures Lynne, gets caught, and is executed. Two years later, Lynne is now the leader of Rocktober Blood. At their tour announcement party, Lynne gets harassed by Billy. But wait! He’s supposed to be dead! What gives? My copy of this film is a little gamy. The whole top of the screen is just slightly purple and makes every scene look a little trippy. Someone is definitely trying to drive Lynne crazy.

Break out the leotards and the Flashdance routines, Lynne and her buds are working up a sweat. The girls are arguing and it’s pretty amusing because they have these adorable southern accents. Uh oh, watch out for those very scary combat boots. This is kind of slow. Oops, I just dozed off there. I don’t think I missed anything.

They decide to dig up Billy’s body. The body in the grave looks like a funhouse skeleton (its eyeballs are still intact). Hilarious. Lynne is kind of a bitch. She hollers a lot. If she was a little nicer, people might be more inclined to protect her from danger. She might even be able to convince someone that Billy is back from the dead. The twist of this movie is absolutely horrid and insulting to the viewer.

All hell is breaking loose on stage and the drummer just plays right on through it all. Wow! What this movie lacks in excitement it makes up for in comedy and a high body count. I love the killer’s microphone stand/axe thingie used to gut the dancers. I get up and dance to the closing song. I promise you there was air guitar in my performance.

“Fear? Fear!?! Fear is not in my vocabulary!”

1:59pm

Hide and Go Shriek

Some duder who likes to wear makeup picks up a hooker and knifes her. Now we’re off to the suburbs where some rad high school aged teens are getting together for a partay. Screw the spell check, I know what I’m doing. They hop into a minivan because they are going somewhere, I guess. Oh wait, the teens are gonna hide out in the store that is owned by one of the goofball’s dads. Sorry there’s a lot of mumbled dialog in this one. What they don’t know is that the guy’s dad has hired this super creepy ex-con dockworker and he lives in the freakin’ store!

If I were to judge this movie just on the quality of the teenage victims then I would call it AMAZING. Some meathead just stood up and shouted how they are about graduate from high school and go on to do “great things”. Lovely. What better way to liven things up in a dark and creepy furniture store than with a game of hide and seek. The couples are sneaking around, getting it on, drinking champagne, being obnoxious, etc.

Well, the killer isn’t the creepy dockworker in the basement. He has a tattoo of a snake on his hand and this killer doesn’t. Or maybe there are two killers. Or maybe I have no idea what the damn hell is going on. There are lots of creepy mannequins (which I like) and overly dark scenes (which I am not as fond of) in this flick. The characters are just running around and being friggin’ morons. The virginal chick just did a striptease for her boyfriend. This is just like real life.

Every time the killer claims another victim, he takes their clothes and their identities just long enough to kill someone else. That is the saving grace of this movie. That and the funny performances. First Bonnie was screeching and now everyone is screeching. Perhaps they are shrieking. Whoa, nice decapitation! Oh, ha ha ha! You will never guess the ending of Hide and Go Shriek, my friends. It is wrong on so many levels.

Nap Time

I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Four movies down, yahoo! I crash out on the bed for about 45 minutes. When I wake up and go out into the living room, LeEtta walks through the front door and hands me a small Styrofoam container full of leftover sushi from lunch. And she has brought me Vitamin Water. It’s like waking up into a magical dream. She heats up her leftovers from Gino’s (the Italian place next door) and Margie has tuna fish and a tomato. My lunch was so huge that five pieces of sushi are just fine for me. Time for the next movie.

5:14pm

Sweet Sixteen

The film opens with the completely agonizing song called “Melissa” and a nude scene from Melissa herself. Then Sweet Sixteen turns into an entirely different movie. There are a bunch of redneck fuckwads attempting to commit a hate crime on a cool old Native American duder but his hunky grandson, Jason Longshadow, steps in and kicks some ass. Melissa is there and she picks up some kook named Johnny. They get high and her dad catches them. Wait, she is fifteen years old? Wow. Oh yeah, duh, the title of the movie.

Anyway, Johnny gets wacked (and not the good kind) while he drinks alone out in the old burial ground. His buddy Hank and Hank’s sister Marcy are moderately upset about Johnny’s death. They live with their dad, Sheriff Dan who is played by Bo freakin’ Hopkins. This movie is pretty different from other slashers I’ve seen. The Native American angle is very unique and not too exploitative.

I love Melissa’s fake bad girl routine. She hits on a jock duder and it is funny as hell. Of course, any boy who gets involved with Melissa gets offed. Suspicion falls on old Grayfeather, Jason Longshadow’s grandpa and the rednecks decide to dole out their own brand of justice. Marcy and Melissa have it out at Johnny’s funeral and it is melodramatic magic. This means Melissa can finally stop being a total asshole. At her sweet sixteen party, Melissa is radiant. I think everything is going to be all right. Oh wait. There is some cool slow motion stuff happening. Uh oh, all is not right. I won’t spoil ANYTHING for you. This is a very, very different slasher. I dig it.

6:48pm

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout)

I think this was made in the 80s! After an amazing opening song, there is a tanning bed malfunction. Next up is some super sexy aerobics footage with lots of women wearing leotards and lots of makeup. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a magical place called Rhonda’s Workout. After closing, a beautiful black chick gets killed with a giant safety pin. One of the females employees of Rhonda’s likes to go through the men’s lockers to inspect and admire the jockstraps.

Morgan the detective is a bad ass duder. He shows up to question people about the murder. Everyone suspects some chick named Diane because she is super creepy. Rhonda Johnson owns the place and she is a super bitch. Whoa. There is an awesome fight scene between Chuck (the new guy) and Jimmy (the creep). Their muscle-bound brawling would kill a normal, wimpy guy instantly.

This movie features lots of crappy music and more aerobics footage. Aerobicide totally blows but it is also completely brilliant. The bodies just keep piling up and then Jimmy (the creep) has a weird sex fantasy after getting a concussion. After this scintillating insight into the mind of Jimmy, he gets killed. Damn, this movie is like watching a Member’s Only jacket fuck a pair of legwarmers, only not as sexy. Oh wait, Jimmy is alive. Then who the hell was that other guy?

I know he’s supposed to be our hero or whatever but Chuck (the new guy) is a jerk. You can’t have a rake fight with only one rake you fool! The aerobics footage remind LeEtta of the classic film, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I command her to log onto Amazon immediately and purchase that DVD. There is a chase scene and I hate this movie so much that I just start scribbling in black ink over whatever notes I was taking. When the Aerobicide theme song starts playing again (Aerobicide! Working out until you die!), I get up and do some mock-aerobics for the amusement of LeEtta and Margie. It feels good and only moderately humiliating, especially after how traumatizing this film was.

“This Sunday is my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”

8:21pm

Slumber Party Massacre 2

Her name is Courtney. She is a dreamer. She is dreaming about horrible things, especially events from the first movie. She is the little sister all grown up. She is in a cool band with her friends. That is the good news. Her mom is an overprotective weirdo and her sister Valerie is in a loony bin. Courtney has to beg her mom to let her go away for a weekend with her band. She gets what she wants so she and her band go to a big empty condo. Courtney’s nightmares get worse.

There is a whole Nightmare on Elm Street vibe to this one. It is all very surreal. Champagne and corndogs and a slow motion pillow fight. Two idiot jerks show up and spoil all the fun. During her first night at the condo, Courtney has even more dream sequences and literally gallons of blood. LeEtta points out that there would be no movie without the dreams. I agree but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This film is trippy as hell and I love it. Everyone thinks Courtney is crazy. Sally’s pulsing little pimple turns into one of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen in a horror film. There is a Sixteen Candles moment and then everything just goes nuts. Nothing and everything is real. The killer looks like a skinny Andrew Dice Clay. This is an absurd music video. This has great lighting and great everything. Slumber Party Massacre 2 needs less rockabilly and more metal. Oh snap! It was all just a dream. Or was it. There really is no answer!

Goodnight

After the supreme majesty of Slumber Party Massacre 2, I decide to call it a night. I could go for another film but I made my 7 films per day quota for this moviethon plus I still have chores in the morning. I spend the rest of the evening organizing my notes and thinking about SPM2. I guess the only real dud today was Rocktober Blood. But was it really a dud? How could anything that bad be bad? You know what I’m saying? Now that I think on it, Hide and Go Shriek maybe wasn’t so good. Shut up, Richard! You’re not being nearly gnarly or radical enough for this moviethon.

Saturday

I woke up early and felt very refreshed this morning. I didn’t dream of a man with a drill guitar which is rather surprising. After a trip to 7-11 where I get an apple fritter the size of my head and LeEtta gets coffee for herself and Margie, I finish the morning chores. It is very hot outside and the air is pretty rank. Wow, it isn’t even June yet and it is sweltering. Well, everything is taken care of. Let’s do this!

10:03am

Cheerleader Camp

I really like the music for this one. Allison is going through lockers in a dark gymnasium while the camera stalks around her. She is having a really obvious dream with heavy-handed symbolism. In the first 6 minutes of this film, a fat man gets his ass stuck in a van window. Miss Tipton welcomes us all to Camp Hurrah. Chicks are bickering and Brent is “hot to trot”. I love Cory. She is the mascot who has to “go through life as an alligator”. I will use quotes in every sentence from now on.

There is a moment when the girls are sunning themselves and it is the most unnatural scene ever staged in a film. One girl is already dead and it looks like a suicide but you and I know differently. Allison is full of doubts about herself. She pops pills, brushes her hair too hard (which reminds me of Tawny Kitaen in Witchboard), and has visions of bleeding out of her face. Oh no, why are Brent and Timmy the fat duder rapping? Allison goes looking for sodas. The creepy chef tells her to the freezer which she does. Inside, she starts chugging milk. Oh yeah, and she discovers the dead chick’s body.

Miss Tipton is banging the sheriff in a very funny scene. What the hell kind of a cheerleader camp is this? I hope they aren’t paying much for tuition. Allison and Cory are so deep. They have great philosophical talks. I’m wondering if this is a slasher movie. Oops, spoke too soon! Someone just got hedge clippers jammed into the back of her head.

At the big party, the camp has hired a band that is part punky, part metally, part new wavey, and all terrible. For lack of a better term, I refer to this band as “badical”. Bodies start piling up and everyone flees the scene except for our trusty cheer crew because someone has sabotaged their van. Timmy is a genius. Instead of running for his life, he stays in the woods in hopes to film the killer. We’ll miss you, Timmy. Holy shit, awesome ending. What a great way to start the day!

12:43pm

Sorority House Massacre

We start with some excellent music and a girl in a hospital bed. She is Beth and something bad has happened. Next thing we see, she shows up at a sorority house. Meanwhile, a madman in an asylum named Robert AKA Bobby starts howling and generally freaking out. Wow, this is really trippy too. Lots of dreamy slasher moments in this moviethon. Weird mannequins, dripping blood, and lots of slow motion photography. There are even shots from SMP2.

Next we meet Sarah, a plucky sorority cutie and my favorite character in the movie. This takes place on Memorial Day weekend. How ironic since we are watching this on Memorial Day weekend. Beth is having visions of a killer duder but her biggest problem is her awful outfit. I am digging this film already. There is all kinds of psychobabble and pseudoscience in this. It seems that Beth and this killer are psychically connected.

While Cindy (the stuck up chick) is gone, Beth and the girls sneak into her closet and try on her clothes in a sweet montage full of big shoulder pads and big boobies. I feel conflicted. The madman escapes from the asylum (“That was easy!” LeEtta comments (and she’s totally right)). The boyfriends show up and couples are arranged by height. There’s Andy, a goofy dumbass. Come on, Sarah! You can do better than that. A text from my friend Brad says that people call this film a Halloween rip-off. Ha! That’s pretty funny, I didn’t even think of that.

LeEtta the perfectionist notices that none of the lights are on in the house but the TV works just fine. The idiots find the murderer’s weapon hidden under a brick in the fireplace. They hypnotize Beth and she sees more and more of her past. She is the sole survivor of her brother’s massacre and- Whoa! Those are some huge bobbins on Tracy. They’re like titacular flesh missiles with nipple warheads.

Bobby shows up and the fun begins! This film mixes dreams with reality quite nicely. The revelation comes and it is pretty heavy handed at this point. The writers think the audience are a bunch of morons and are too stupid to follow along. Man, where would slasher movies be if people just kept hitting the killer when he’s down? How about we sever the head or bash a skull in for a change? Oh well.

2:10pm

Curtains

Brad (who is several states away) and I synchronize our DVD players and fire up Curtains. This film opens up ostentatiously enough with curtains opening. Very nice. A director, Johnathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), and his lead actress, Samantha (ohhhh, Samantha Eggar), go to see a psychologist and she flips out. Oh wait, she wants to get committed so she can study for her role. That, my friends, is a bad plan. So she’s in the loony bin and preparing for her role in the lead in the play called Audra. Of course, Stryker abandons her there.

Months later, Stryker is auditioning some chicks for Audra (at his house?) and oh snap, Samantha has escaped from the asylum with revenge on her mind. A rape scene turns out to be just a bored couple role-playing. Isn’t that sweet. Creepy doll moment! Hey, this movie is awesome. Patti, the comedienne chick, is great. She will probably be getting the best lines in this film and then the “perverted kid at the gas station” scene happens and I am totally right!

At the creepy old house, the tension between the actresses all vying for the same part is cranking up. Samantha makes her big entrance and I have to say she deserves to kill the shit out of Stryker. The guy is a major douchebagel. In a standout scene, the ice-skating chick finds that creepy doll buried in the snow and then the super freaky killer comes after her in ice-skates, wielding a scythe. That is what I call slasher perfection. Why the fuck is this film so hard to find? The stalking scene in the theatrical prop storage room reminded me of Blood and Black Lace. This is really good.

Short Break

I take Shadow out for a walk and it is very weird outside. It is also excruciatingly muggy out. The clouds are just hanging in the sky. If there is a breeze, I sure as shit can’t feel it. Once Shadow has finished relieving himself, I rush home as quickly as possible. Time for another movie. This next one is brought to us by the magical internet. I’ll be watching it on my computer.

4:10pm

Hospital Massacre

Harold gives a little girl a valentine and she doesn’t respond very positively. So he kills her little brother. Flash forward 20 years and the little girl is all grown up. Her name is Susan (Barbi Benton). She has a freaky ex-husband and a daughter. This music is fantastic and this acting feels very TV movie of the week. Susan is going to the hospital for a routine checkup and things are immediately very bizarre. Yay! Another weird flick for the moviethon!

She gets on an elevator with some crazy person who is eating a hamburger dripping with ketchup. The killer shows up and he is a freaky duder in full surgeon’s regalia who grunts and breaths heavy. The killer switches Susan’s test results with that of a dying patient so that she has to stay in the hospital for more tests. This friggin’ movie is so damn strange. It is hospital freaky freaky!

Susan is on a table while a creepy doctor (who may or may not be the killer) is giving her an examination. It is cold, clinical, tense, and very off-putting. In fact, this movie is starting to get under my skin. It is making me uneasy and not in a good way. Susan gets lost in the seemingly endless halls of this hospital. The killer’s manipulations of the hospital bureaucracy is pretty brilliant. And the music! Every time the killer claims a victim, this odd chorus of female voices plays over the soundtrack. It’s rather Suspiria-like. I will never set foot in a hospital again.

Cigar Break

Shelly has come over though she is not exactly joining the moviethon. She, LeEtta, and Margie are going to a drag show. Yeah, I typed that correctly. I will be left alone with the slashers for a little while this evening. Out on the patio, Shelly smokes clove cigarettes (now marketed as clove cigars because of some ridiculous law) while I smoke a very dark Cain cigar. It is muggy and my Arizona watermelon drink is no help in cooling me off. When we get back inside the girls take off for true adventure.

7:05pm

The Slayer

I text Brad to let him know that I started this film and he does the same. You see, I’m not alone! The Slayer starts with a wicked nightmare sequence and I am hooked already. Our main lady is named Kay and she is haunted by some crazy visions. She and her husband David and another couple (her brother Eric and his wife Brooke) are going to spend a their vacation in an isolated beachside house. Kay might be disturbed. She is definitely an artist. They arrive on the island and it is gloomy and creepy. Major foreshadowing here. This is gonna be so good.

The guys are chill (even though Eric is a total dick) but the women folk are real complainers. The creepy caretaker is warning them about the coming storm but you know he’s talking about so much more. Some weirdo on the book is talking to himself when- Whack! Oar crushes skull! Take that, under-developed character. Where has this movie been all my life?

Brad makes a good point: “Nice to see adult characters in a slasher.” The storm comes and things get super spooky. Severed head awesomeness! Okay, that was just cool as hell. David is gone so everyone goes looking for him. Kay’s hair is almost as frightening as this movie – major helmet-head. She thinks the thing from her dreams is going to kill them all. Oops, they gave her sleeping pills. The dread is creeping in. Now Kay is alone and fighting to stay awake. This easily the scariest film I’ve seen in a while. Fucking awesome.

Long Break

I call up Brad so we can discuss The Slayer and we end up bullshitting for an hour and a half. Woops. I guess I could have watched a movie in that time but hey, we talked about slashers! I get off the phone so I can walk to 7-11 for some dinner. I get a hot dog and a Coke Slurpee. There is a storm in the distance and there is lightning in the clouds. For some reason, the parking lot of 7-11 and the parking lot of Gino’s are jumping. People really freak me out. I keep waiting for the machetes and knifes to come out. After laying waste to my dinner, I put on another film.

10:25pm

Slaughter High

Bitchin’ metal music, man! Caroline Munro pretending to be a high school student? All right. She and her dickhead friends stage a rather elaborate prank on Marty Rantzen, the school’s biggest nerd. Oh great, I just saw that dude’s dick. Man, these high school students are ancient. And the cruelty just won’t stop. The next prank goes too far and Marty gets blown up and hideously burned in the science lab. Fast forward some years and Caroline Munro is an actress with a sleazy manager. I love the way this is filmed.

I can’t tell if Munro is really awful or if it is her putrid American accent. Everyone in this movie is so obnoxious. And now the music sounds like plonky fart sounds. All these prankster assholes show up at the reunion and no one else. They break into the now condemned high school to party while a thunderstorm kicks up outside. The British actors are all trying to pretend to be Americans. This is the high school reunion that you bring a machine gun to.

A douchebagel drinks a poisoned beer and his guts explode. How quaint. All kinds of crazy shit starts happening. The idiots are locked in and the bars on the windows are electrified. Nice gore effects! If you decide to watch Slaughter High, prepare yourself to root for the villain and you’ll do just fine. All the bodies disappeared! Queue the theremin. The chase sequence at the end goes on too long but the ending is excellent. The biggest problem in this movie is Caroline Munro’s wardrobe. She is wearing this white Abba paintsuit with Bea Arthur shoulder pads. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.

Goodnight

The girls return from their evening at Hamburger Mary’s where they witnessed a drag show. Once Slaughter High is over, I grab my guitar and strum along while listening to the stories of the crazy stuff I missed. When things die down and folks have sufficiently sobered up, we call it a night.

Sunday

Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t get the characters from Hospital Massacre or Slaughter High out of my head. It was a slasher crossover of epic proportions and it was more than a little hallucinatory. To calm my racing mind, I thought about guitar pedals and effects loops. BAM! Instantly asleep. And then BAM! Acid reflux. Less than an hour later, I was in the kitchen munching on saltines and chastising myself for eating garbage after 10pm. Sigh, thems are the breaks. I slept like a rock until 10 in the morning. I know I dreamed but I don’t remember my dreams. My body needed the sleep but I’m still annoyed. Only 6 movies yesterday? Lame. That just means I have got to get righteous today. Okay kids, bring on the corpses and boobs!

10:54am

Splatter University

Somewhere in New York City, or Jersey, or some other godforsaken place, there is a crazy people ward with a bunch of annoying patients acting stupid. One of the patients finds a knife. Then some nurse with a terrible attitude gives an orderly and another nurse some grief while she smokes casually in the hallway. She is unbelievably hot. The orderly gets stabbed in the dick and we’re off. After a charmingly simple synthesizer-infused credit sequence, I fall in love with this film. Then it’s St. Trinians College three years later. Then a chick gets killed. Then it’s St. Trinians College one year later. What the hell?

Miss Parker aces her interview with the priest at St. Trinians. He warns her that her classroom is jinxed and that a girl was murdered there. I like this chick. She’s a little frumpy but she’s got a lot of class. But maybe she’s a secret hottie. Oh no, we are introduced to our future victims and they are horrible. It’s a bunch of lunkheads that weren’t charismatic enough for their Jersey Shore audition. I am going to tell you right now, I fucking hate the fuck out of these fuckers. I can’t tell if Splatter University is funny or thinks it’s being funny. We might have a case of unthinkable sarcasm or sub-irony here. I’m guessing this is a comedy. That makes me feel sad.

The first day on the job, Miss Parker gets in trouble when the students bring up abortion for debate topic in her sociology class while a priest is observing. My favorite character is Tony. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with a girl with huge hair. She asks him if he brought a condom and he tells her he’s already wearing it. He’s just a genuinely charming guy. Speaking of charm, this movie has loads of it. The cheap look, crappy sound, recycled footage, and infantile performances actually work.

I thought Slaughter High had the least likable characters of the moviethon but oh no, this is where all the jerks are at. Miss Parker is cool and I was right, she is totally a secret hottie. And she’s the only person that doesn’t make my skin crawl. She starts dating Mark, the suspicious professor who lies about knowing the teacher who got killed in her classroom. The murders are piling up and I’m just thinking to myself, “I wonder what the next flick in the moviethon will be.” Splatter University is good for a laugh or two but it’s not what one might call essential. I am very happy when it is over.

“Besides those yayhoos couldn’t punch their way through a wet cracker anyways.”

12:19pm

Memorial Valley Massacre

From dirt cheap to only moderately cheap. The opening sequence has wretched muzak and stock footage. Cameron Mitchell? That’s all I needed to know! Cam is a big blowhard who is opening Memorial Valley for the public before it’s ready. His son David shows up looking for work and he is required by law to give him a job. David takes a lot of grief for being boss’s son from Ranger Webster. Oh, what’s this? There is some kind of a caveman causing trouble for the campers. No seriously. Did I mention this is a comedy?

Memorial Valley Massacre is a parade of wrong down a dead end street. The caveman is kind to the animals and all of the campers are stupid scumbags. It’s nature vs. city folk and we are all going to lose no matter what the outcome. The terrible fat kid goes for a spin on an ATV and the caveman takes him out. I’ll be damned if this isn’t entertaining. Deke, the cool old black guy, tells David about how Ranger Webster’s kid was kidnapped but never found and the police suspect that his body is buried somewhere in Memorial Valley. I’m ashamed for the screenwriters now.

A bear is blamed for the fat kid’s death and Ranger Webster refuses to shut the place down. He rounds up a posse of idiots with guns to go looking for the bear. This film is incalculably terrible and yet I like it. I just wish Cameron Mitchell would come back. Sigh. Today is going to be long and painful. One guy gets speared in the stomach AND throw into a pit of spikes. Margie asks if that’s overkill and I say that there I no such thing as overkill in a slasher movie.

The caveman finally meets a girl trampy enough to talk him through lovemaking but he gets too excited and breaks her back. Ugh, when is this going to end? Margie, LeEtta, and I have lots of questions for this movie. Why does the caveman not have a beard? How does he know how to operate a bulldozer? These will never be answered but at least we have them. That one chick notices that it’s Memorial Day and for some reason all hell breaks loose immediately. Stuff happens, the credits roll, and I feel like trying crystal meth for the first time. Screw it! Time for the next film.

2:03pm

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

I don’t know who to trust. I don’t want to get attached to any of these characters. I’ve been hurt so many times before. Some guy gets strangled and just for an added bonus the killer cuts off a couple of his fingers. The movies are happening to fast for me to process them. That cute chick from other movies is in this. Her name is Debbie. She is somebody named something. Zuniga! Daphne Zuniga. There are people cleaning out a dorm, I think. There’s a girl on the phone and she is upset because they were going to take 75 tables and now they don’t know what they’re doing. SHIT. Maybe the crystal meth wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Debbie is going home for the holidays with her ugly parents. I’m not kidding, her parents are insanely ugly. Oops, now they’re all dead! See, that’s why I shouldn’t get close to people. Now that Debbie is gone I don’t know I’m be able to keep going. So now Joann is the girl we are supposed to be following. I feel so ashamed. I don’t want anyone else to die. This movie is pretty good so far.

Let me just make it clear right now that I am having trouble writing down my thoughts because they are nonsense. Joann is having doubts about her relationship with a guy who looks vaguely like Krist Novoselic (before he want bald). Some creepo has been sneaking around Dayton Hall and causing problems but he really just wants to be around people. He lacks the social graces! And he might have stolen a drill. I like Patty. She is cute and she has the hots for somebody. Her boyfriend Bryan isn’t going to be too happy about that.

So they’re in the dorm, the phone line it cut, and the lights are out. It is that simple, my friends. There are some cool scenes and I know that I am not doing this one justice. Gruesome kills. Nicely shot. Awesome score. Smart final girl which is always a plus. And that ending is wicked brutal. Oh jeez. I did not see that coming.

“Gypsies always go away, don’t they?”

3:34pm

The Prey

I put on this DVD from Cinema de Bizarre. It looks like their source is either the Japanese VHS or the laserdisc. Oh goodie, kids going camping. Gayle (beyatch), Bobby, and some dudez. And there’s a park ranger. Nature footage. The killer has monstrous creature hands. This is okay. A snake eats a mouse and people are mumbling around the campfire. One dude starts telling a story and we get a flashback to some gypsies telling a story about a killer. Levels of reality, my friends. Levels. Fuck, these fuckers can’t tell a fucking story to save their lives. The sepia tone for the flashback fades away but we’re still in the past.

Some gypsy has sex with a lady. It was totally consensual but she claims rape. Now everyone hates the gypsies. The people who shot this crap were in love with making movies and not watching them. Where’s Johnny Depp? He’s supposed to be a Chocolat gypsy, right? LeEtta points out that these are decidedly European gypsies. What are they doing in Great Depression era America or whatever? This damn gypsy party is going on forever and forever.

I am getting the distinct impression that this was two unrelated films joined together to make a mountain of suck. There’s lots of sex in this movie and everyone is panting and moaning and hissing. I fast-forward through a couple of these sex scenes. Sorry. Most of the music for this film sounds like stuff from the library archives. Despite the unrelated gypsy footage and the obviously padded storyline, I still love the ending.

Short Break

Me walk dog. Me hear screams of children. Happy screams. The sun is burning my brain. Me come back. Me wash face. Me get second wind. There is a dead snake.

5:36pm

Don’t Go in the Woods

[The following is a transcript of audio captured with a handheld voice recorder.]

[beep]

Richard: My name is Richard. It is 5:36 on a Sunday afternoon and I am about to press play on Don’t Go in the Woods. But before I do that, I am going to mention that my wife LeEtta and I went outside and picked up a dead snake. It was not something that we are collecting but we decided to pick it up and throw it away because it was going to rot and get all stinky. And the maintenance people are off today because of the holiday weekend so we took care of the rotting corpse of the snake.

And now we are going to have some dinner shortly- Oh, we washed our hands. Let me make that abundantly clear. And we are going to watch a movie. There’s a pork roast in the oven and LeEtta is frying up some vegetables and I believe there is going to be some rice. So, I will start this movie now.

[beep]

This is what is known as a backwoods slasher film. The reason it is called backwoods is because it was filmed in the woods out back behind the community college. There were over 6 backwoods slasher movies make during the 1980s. This is one of those 6. What you need to know about this movie is that it takes place in the backwoods. There are trees, creeks, sticks, branches, water, sunlight, there are probably caves, and there might be nighttime when the sun goes down. If that is a spoiler, I apologize.

[beep]

I should mention that there are campers in this movie. Campers are people that go into nature in order to camp. They often like to bring short shorts or sleeveless shorts. Sometimes they are prone to humping. Sometimes they are prone to arguing and getting lost. These particular campers are very attractive people. They were born in the 80s and therefore the movie takes place in the 80s.

So far we have seen one person get killed. This person was not a camper. This person appeared to be a nature observer or a scientist. This person was killed with an object of sharpness. It was not clear what it was but his face got hurt and his arm was cut off. Then there was screaming and the camera cut away. I’m not sure what we missed but I am sure it was very exciting what we didn’t see. This is a movie.

[beep]

One surprising aspect of Don’t Go In The Woods is the presence of cameras in urban settings. In something that resembled a police station in a city or town there are people talking and there is a woman who is dubbed. That is not her voice. I’m not sure how they can show an acting without sharing their voice. There is a man with curly blond hair who is talking but I can’t hear what he is saying because I am recording this. There is a fat sheriff in this movie. A frighteningly fat sheriff.

This is film is made with film and it is old looking despite the fact that it was made sometimes in the 80s. It looks old as though, for instance, there were things that look old about it. Sometimes the camera is out of focus. I believe that this is an artist measure to keep us squinting and fearful of what is going to happen in this horror movie. Please wait while I watch the horror movie.

[beep]

I just want to say here and now that this is probably the greatest film ever made out in the woods with a Farah Fawcett rug on the ceiling of a camper. There is a woman who says things. She has a hawk-nose and she says horrible things. And there’s this guy named Dick who’s her lover and he keeps repeating himself over and over again. And I think perhaps he has earn an Oscar for his performance several times over. Fifteen honorary Oscars for every moment he is onscreen. And now Dick is dead. Poor Dick.

[beep]

My mother-in-law believes that aviator sunglasses are racist because more than just aviators wear them. It seems an unfair stereotype to refer to those sunglasses as aviator sunglasses. I need to point something out about this movie while I am talking about it. There are people being stabbed and there is blood flying everywhere.

LeEtta: Furry hands!

Richard: My wife said something about furry hands. She may be saying something-

LeEtta: The attacker had furry hands.

Richard: She may be saying something not related to the movie. But I believe she said the attacker had furry hands which means that the attacker is one of those people that dresses up like a panda bear and has sex in convention halls.

[beep]

One thing that many people don’t realize about Don’t Go in the Woods is that it is a dialog driven movie. For those of you who are dialog lovers, this DVD has provided you with the remastering . The music is loud, the screaming is loud, the sound effects are loud, um… Unfortunately the dialog is mixed very quietly so you may want to turn on the subtitle option so you can figure out what’s going on the movie. There is no subtitle option on this movie because deaf people can’t hear. So who is going to type it up? A bunch of listeners? I don’t believe that’s fair or right or just. This is American, people, let’s see what we can do.

[beep]

One of the aspects of Don’t Go in the Woods is the wondrous music used throughout this film. In particular is the music used when the killer -who is a mountain man- shows up in his fur-wrapped baton talon knife javelin sword with the people he is trying to kill. It is a curious sound and my wife has identified it as a bouncy rubber ball. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. This sound when you hear it, it means run because that means the killer is coming.

There are t-shirts in this movie and tents and roots of trees. Um… I haven’t seen any insects but I am assuming there are insects. There are jeans and t-shirts and rocks in this movie. There are also branches of trees. LeEtta asked the question why do women have the baggy shirts and why do men have the tight shirts. And the answer is obvious. Those aren’t women. Those are men. Very, very sultry men.

LeEtta: In aviator sunglasses.

Richard: Don’t be a racist. It’s not about aviator sunglasses. Do you want to be in a street fight? Then don’t wear your aviators! Don’t wear your aviators!

[beep]

Hellos this is Richard again. We have reached the hour mark and we are done with this movie. I just want to make a note of that. This movie should be ending. Um… So… Just letting you know that.

[beep]

Far be it from me for criticizing a movie for being different but- Wait a minute! What the fuck? I was just about to talk shit about this movie because the girls are out of commission. One girl dead. One girl in the hospital. But they just went on this little hunting party to go find Joanie and they brought Ingrid along to help collect evidence. And of course, she’s completely traumatized, wrapped in a blanket, and staring at a bloody machete. And… there’s one other thing. She looks like a boy!

LeEtta: She does. She looks like one of the Weasley twins.

Richard: Ohhhhh. Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

[beep]

Okay, this is Richard and the movie is over. LeEtta would you like to share your thoughts on this film?

LeEtta: Oh my God.

Richard: Could you elaborate?

LeEtta: There’s a little girl in the woods and she’s-

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: No, there was always a little girl in the woods.

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: In the beginning there was… axe. Axes?

Richard: Axe me a question, I’ll tell you no lies.

LeEtta: I forgot what the [unintelligible] was. [laughing]

Richard: That was my wife. So Margie, would you care to comment on the movie?

Margie: I didn’t get to see the whole thing.

Richard: What did you think of what you saw?

LeEtta: The Teddy Bears’ Picnic!

Margie: It would be a spoiler.

LeEtta: It’s the Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Richard: That is awesome. That is a perfect closing song for this perfect movie.

[beep]

7:28pm

The Initiation

This movies starts off with some neato synthesizers and dolls with their heads ripped off. A little girl is seeing her mommy bang a strange man. Her father walks in, flips out, fights with the stranger, and then dies in the ensuing fire. It was a dream! Flash forward to some awesome sorority chicks in lingerie standing over the waking Kelly (Zuniga again) and chanting.

Next thing, we go to a madhouse with some crazy patients. Could Kelly’s dad be alive? No way! The mean old nurse can’t control the patients. Zuniga has more dreams/nightmares. Hey, this is a smart movie. But don’t fret, there is time for melodrama (dead serious confessions) and clowning around (sorority and fraternity pranks).

She has to help the sorority girls break in to her father’s department store. The pledges’ mission is to steal the uniform off the hunky security guard there. They don’t know that the poor bastard is already dead. The bitchy sister from hell has something up her sleeve so the girls get a big scare. This is really good. How the hell did I wait so long to watch this? Time just flies. Never a dull moment. I wish I had more to say.

“Aim at that sack over there.”

9:13pm

The House on Sorority Row

Please note: For some reason, I lost the ability to take notes during this movie. I could neither type nor write them down by hand. After I begged her to help me, LeEtta agreed to take over. Here is what she wrote down:

Hello, this is LeEtta reporting.

Sorority babes just graduated and stick around to help clean up the house.

Balloon looks like a boob.

Hey, so the house mother is the lady giving birth in the first scene.

It’s an uprising!

Uh oh! Doc is giving the lowdown on Ms. Frazier’s (the house mother’s) craziness.

A GUN, A GUN.

Hey, that gun is loaded.

Oh damn, accidental death.

Richard says: The one thing that really dates this movie is the band.

Richard says: That’s more Peter than I can handle!

Richard says: Ah! I love the knowing glances.

Hey look, old fuses.

What’s with the saggy bottom boys?

“I’m a sea pig.”

That is a fantastic figure to put clothes on.

Yeah! Put the body in the dumpster.

Dead bird in cage.

Richard is making suppositions about Peter.

In case of emergency, call Doc.

Hide body in open grave – ingenious!

Why the hell is Doc sneaking up on people with hypodermic needles, yo?

Crazy awesome lighting cool hallway shot killer in a mask head in toilet

OH NOES – KILLER ISN’T DEAD!

The Last Short Break

Margie heads off to bed, wishing us the best of luck. We hit the showers for a last bit of energy to get through the last movie. We are relatively delirious. I slam my Mountain Dew just to make sure I can stay on the ball.

11:01pm

Intruder

I found the laserdisc of this for 50 cents once and started watching it. During the first few minutes I checked IMDB and found out that it was the censored version. I immediately turned off the movie and then totally forgot about it. So here it is, finally. Uh oh Jen is having guy trouble. Her ex, Craig, shows up at her job at the grocery store just before closing and starts making trouble. In fact, he pretty much kicks the asses of all the dudes that work there and then takes off to parts unknown in the store. LeEtta wakes up (I didn’t even noticed that she had dozed off) and decides to call it a night.

The tension builds immediately and you just have to wonder where the hell this is going. The Raimi boys are in this and they are friggin’ great. They catch Craig and throw him out of the store. While waiting for the cops to come, the boss drops the bomb on them; he’s selling the store and their employment ends at the end of the month. As an added bonus they have to stay late repricing the entire store. Jen reveals to her pal Linda that her jerky ex actually killed a guy in a bar brawl so she broke up with him.

This movie is an indie spectacular. There are lots of crazy experimental shots and all kinds of character dynamics and development that you don’t normally see in a slasher. I love the way this is building. What in the world is going to happen? When does this turn into a horror movie? Okay, Linda just got whacked. The dark sense of humor of Intruder just showed itself.

One by one everyone is getting knocked off in increasingly gory ways. There is a table saw scene that reminds me of the one in Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue only done way better. This film is just cool and clever and bad ass. This flick is just way, way over the top. What I love about Intruder is that it feels like something I would have caught on cable back in the day and loved immensely. I love it now (even if it’s a little long-winded).

12:41am

Conclusion

This moviethon, more than all the others before it, feels like it was a very long journey. I can’t remember what movie I started with. And I feel like a different person than the guy I was on Friday morning. When I turn off the lights and walk across the bedroom, even the darkness is disorienting. I can feel the blood of all those murders swirling around me as my brain pulses and these invisible waves roll through, distorting my senses. And to think, people take drugs to feel this way. Fools! Good freakin’ night, my friends. Thank any and all of you for joining me on this ultra-slashy 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day.

Final Stats

Total Body Count – 175 (approximately)
Nude Scenes – 37 (boobs, butts, bush, and wieners)